Allergens.

When Madison started kindergarten I was faced with the family who lived a couple houses down who were dentally challenged and also sported mullets and smoked with pride through three pregnancies.

I had managed to mostly ignore them making only brief contact waving across the street if we were both putting our garbage at the curb. But then Maddie and their daughter were in the same class. I realized that, although he talked about giving the kids ice cream for breakfast because it was dairy and they loved it, he was actually a very nice dad and although my kids are perhaps being cared for in a more sanitary and smoke free environment I would say his kids were having a lot more fun than mine. Because he was more fun than me, especially with the hair. You know business up front and party in the back. Woo!

Maddie even started to play at their house, even though it was a hideous mess and when I went inside it made me want to die. It's just dirt I told myself, stop being such a god damned snob. When Maddie came home smelling like smoke I would just febreze her and congratulate myself on trying to like this stupid neighborhood.

But one day on our walk home from school, I asked this dad if they'd be attending family night at the school. He replied, "Well I would have except they called Child Protective Services on us and now I have this huge hassle and I don't feel like breaking bread with those people if you know what I mean."

I laughed, 'Ha ha! Dude, I totally know what you mean! This reminds me of that time I moved to a neighborhood where the housing was well priced but the neighbors left a lot to be desired and then I realized I was trapped in that neighborhood. Well, except your story has nothing to do with mine...it just brought all that to the front of my mind. Bye!"

Logan and I decided Maddie couldn't go to play across the street anymore, her classmate would have to come over to our house instead. Of course Maddie questioned this decision and I wasn't sure what to tell her and I didn't want to make her classmate feel bad either.

So, I lied.

I told her she was allergic to smoke and that's why she couldn't go play across the street. Now, 3 years later, Madison eyes smoking people with caution. When in a restaurant, passing through the smoking section, she holds her breath. She says she feels 'all itchy' when someone lights up near her.

I've thought about coming clean with her or even telling her that sometimes we outgrow our allergies. But then, maybe it's good for her to believe she's allergic to smoke for the rest of her life. Deathly allergic to smoke. And to alcohol. And sex. And especially Myspace.

Comments

[emery]

You gotta watch out for that Baron von Munchausen by proxy stuff there, mother.

[NoPasaNada]

And plastic. Don't forget plastic. Specifically the plastic that is used in credit cards that makes them all nice and shiny. Some sort of polymer that Visa, AmEx and I'm pretty sure Mastercard use in their cards. Something about touching them and swiping them too frequently can lead to some sort of rash or debt. So I've heard...

[Kellie Sullivan-Herring]

That is awesome AND something I am going to totally do.

[wordnerd]

he he he - funny

My husband thinks I am allergic to cats...truth is I just hate them... He once "mistook" my hate for allergies...and let's just say that this slight discrepancy never went corrected.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I was going to oadd debt, but Heather covered that with her treatise against plastic.

When we moved to our house in the country (won't somebody please buy it!?) Ty got invited to a bunch of birthday parties in the first month of school. Every single time he came home smelling like he'd smoked six packs of Camels. I couldn't fathom it. Still can't.

[Kelly]

er..."add" debt. No oadd. Not sure what oadd means unless it's the sound I made the first time I realized I was $22K in debt and jobless.

[Elleana]

Oh heck yeah - that all sounds like such a good idea. I wonder if it's too late to convince my kids that they are allergic too...

[KUchick]

I have been lying to people that I am allergic to smoke for years. I think it started with my freshman year roommate in college because I was too wimpy to just tell her not to smoke around me. But it's been a good, non-confrontational excuse ever since. Maybe when Maddie is older you can tell her, but until then, it's just a little white lie! If you think about it, I suppose you could say we are all allergic to cigarrette smoke, given the horrible things it can do to the human body, first- or secondhand.

[flailingmyarms]

That's a good lie. I mean, there are no good lies.

I mean...uh...yes, allergic. Right.

[Peggasus]

It's not a lie, you've just, uh...stretched the truth a bit. It's certainly better than telling her the real reason, so no harm done.

My mother told us when we were little that she was allergic to dogs and cats, and thet's why we never had a pet. (I know, boohoo, poor me.)

It wasn't until years later (I mean, I was in my 30s and had one of each) that it finally occurred to me that she never sneezed or had red eyes of any other signs of being allergic when she came to our house. When I confronted her with her deception, she just smiled this shit-eating grin and didn't say a word. I think it's the only lie she's ever told in her life.

Eh, I'm scarred for life, but not from that.

[Krissy]

My mother told me I was allergic to fruit roll ups, I never had one until I was in high school. I still don't know what she had against fruit roll ups.

[pixie sticks]

You are a brilliant mother and should definitely write a book with these helpful hints. I'd buy multiple copies! I am myself allergic to bad teeth, so I completely get the logic.

[DinerGirl]

I'm totally allergic to exercise. Isn't that tragic?
My mom told my brother and I when we were little that we were both allergic to cigarette smoke. You're not doing anything wrong.

[Momtojr]

OK. Weird. That is practically the exact set of circumstances that lead to my son (then age 5, now 10) believing that HE is allergic to cigarette smoke. At age 10, he will still start to cross the block to avoid smokers. When I ask him where he's going, he jerks his head and eyes in the direction of the cigarette and says "uh, MOOOM? HELLO?" and I say "OH! RIGHT! you'd better steer clear of that smoke!" and we cross the street together, me feeling 99% proud and 1% guilty, and him secure in the knowledge that he has survived another attack-free day! Good work, Melissa! Be careful, though. What goes around, comes around. My daughter told her babysitter that she cannot eat those peas because she is ALLERGIC to peas. She told the lunch lady at school that she is allergic to apples. etc. She is fine, though, with cheetos. No epi pen needed for the cheesy treat.

[b]

Allergies make the best lies. Anyone can say they are allergic to just about anything and everyone else has to go along with it.

I remember lying to my kindergarten teacher during our 'ethinic week' about being allergic to avacados so I didn't have to eat the guacamole. We were supposed to try everything and expand our horizons. But I was six and that stuff was green! And mushy! "Um, yeah. I'm allergic. That's it!"

[Mrs X]

Which is pretty close to how my husband started to believe that I'm allergic to kitty litter, pistachios, and Braveheart (because how many times can you get stuck watching that movie before you feel the need to take an ice pick to your eyes?).

Allergic to smoke is a very good thing. Even if it's not real.

[Adrienne]

Well, isn't everyone allergic to cigarette smoke on some level, in some way? It's a CARCINOGEN, after all. Good move, regardless of how you had to accomplish it.

My mom just told me (at the tender age of 4) that smoking was disgusting, and that I wasn't allowed to be around it because it would kill me. Same result, more judgmental child - even of smokers who were otherwise model parents, so there you go.

When Maddie's older, just tell her you didn't want her to look down on others, or inhale tar, as a sort of "bonus" reason. I think she'll understand 100%.

She'll probably appreciate the story too. CPS? Oh my!

[TeriLynn]

I don't know about the rest of it, but for the love of GOD, keep her off myspace. If she were to catch me making all those masturbation jokes, I'd JUST DIE!

-miao.

[the3facesofeve]

That's a good parenting lie... like Santa Claus! GOOD lie! GOOD parenting!

I'm just lucky that my husband is so understanding of my 2 main serious allergies.. blowjobs and laundry detergent.

[emery]

I have a lesbian friend who can't let her lips touch anything wet. How serious of an allergy is that?

[Isabel Kallman]

oh, Melissa, this is a classic.

[superblondgirl]

Love it, what a smart idea! I wish my husband was cool with lying to kids so I could use this one, but unfortunately he believes in brutal honesty and he'd totally nip that in the bud. He's just biding his time waiting for the day the "Is Santa real?" question comes up so he can come clean and stop this charade I love so much, so I can't imagine what he'd do with this one.

[Melissa Summers]

He'd tell them the neighbors were white trash so that your kids could go back to school and repeat that to their classmates. Which makes everyone feel good.

I'll stick with allergies.

[thesilentk]

Ah, that was hilarious.

[Girl About Town]

Oh God, I am SOOOOO going to steal that excuse!!! :)

You are a brilliant woman!!!

[Elise Foreman Carter]

Uggh. I wish EVERYONE was allergic to Myspace.

[greentshirt]

Damn.

I think someone told my youngest that she's allergic to books, her homework, and dish washing liquid.

This explains so much.

[Velma]

My son has a bona fide allergy to peanuts. My daughter, feeling neglected, began telling everyone that she was allergic to Goldfish crackers...but not the regular little sized ones. Just the extra-large sized ones. Yup.

[LisaK]

Okay, okay, I totally agree--fool the kids with allergies to smoke. Nothing grosser than smelling smoke on your kids. And very bad for their growth and development. I have mine totally convinced it's just the worst possible thing--they didn't even have a word for cigarettes until they were about 6 and a half. But what I really want to know is how goes the house hunt? And is your dream house in Royal Oak, the one you've lusted after and posted pix of still on the market?

[ali]

best. idea. ever.

just tell my kids they are allergic to EVERYTHING.

[cagey]

Whoa.

I am totally stealing this Parenting Tidbit! Awesome. I'm thinking Red No. 40, high fructose corn syrup and All Things McDonalds should be added to the list, too.

[KC]

You know, the whole Secondhand Smoke thing is reason enough. You don't want your kid breathing it. That's a better excuse and probably it's not a lie.