.....

I think the world just needs to shut up for the most part because while I don't actually want to keep my head buried in the sand like a moron, I also can't keep idly thinking about what makes men hurt little girls (and boys) over and over and over because I just can not take it. The issues which have brought us to a time when men break into schools (twice in a couple of weeks) to kill young girls, are far too huge for me, with my very small brain, to really comprehend or theorize about or even understand.

I don't want to believe that the issue goes beyond a few very disturbed individuals with very disturbed upbringings. But it gets harder and harder for me to believe that, since not only are there a number of random attacks there's also a much more horrifying number of bad things happening to children who know, love and trust their abusers. And still, I take in all this information and all these theories and none of it really matters in a day to day sense.

I don't understand what's happened or how we've ended up here.

I realize how little control I have, I've realized a long time ago how I can't protect my children from bad things happening. I can follow my gut and I can teach them about being safe and owning their bodies and I can listen to them and protect them at all costs when I know they're being hurt and I can make them secure in the truth of the protection I will give them at all costs. I can't make bad things not happen, but I can make them strong and sure of themselves and make them certain of my willingness and ability to speak for them when they can not.

That's the only control I really have. That's the only thing I know for sure.

And still it bothers me because sometimes I feel like it's inevitable that something bad will happen to my children. Probably not a milk man who storms into their amish schoolhouse, since I'm not amish and have no plans to become amish, but there will be other people who could hurt them.

That really nice coach or the really personable dad of a friend everyone loves, are probably the worries I would serve myself better with. I'm not complacent but among my close group of 5 friends, 2 of us made it into adulthood unscathed by someone else's sexuality but then 3 of us were abused in some way by men we looked up to/trusted/loved as little girls. And, it's important to note: none of us told anyone. Then, when you look at my extended group of Internet Peers, we're looking at even larger numbers.

I don't know how else to take in this newest information. As a mother, I can't think very much about the reason men use girls for their sexual satisfaction, because my brain explodes with the societal implications of that.

I will not take my children to the park at the end of my street and spend the hour we're there fearing the predators who might cast their eyes on my children's incredible beauty and be compelled to snatch and abuse them. I won't stop putting their pictures on the internet because someone may view their beautiful cheeks and want to do horrible things to them. I still believe those types of attacks on children are the exception and not the rule.

People have always done horrible things. There have always been murders and rapes and molestations. Sometimes though, I worry that something has blurred the line in how we look at girls. My brain is not capable of making sense of it all, I'm only able to cry about all of this. It's complex and no one knows how to fix it and maybe there isn't a way to fix it.

I want to simplify that statement with all kinds of societal blame but I can't because it's not simple. And that scares the shit out of a lot of people. Including me.

Comments

[Suebob Davis]

I think everyone is feeling kind of raw and awful this week. It doesn't feel like we're changing seasons - it feels like we are changing WORLDS.

[Grace D]

It's scary. It's insanity. It's carnage.

But I know this about you - you are a brave survivor. You would do anything and everything to protect a child within your reach, whether your precious children or another mom's. And, in that moment, you would "fix it."

Peace to you, Good Woman.

[LB]

Oh Sweetie, thanks for addressing this. I have similar feelings worring that if we can't protect our kids in the US freakin' Congress where can we protect them? I too live in a shitty area and once when my son was 4yrs old a guy with a bobbing blanket in his lap and said "Cute Kid!" as we walked by. I felt really bad and stupid and poor but then a pal from a tony Evanston Il neighborhood said the same thing happened to her. FUCK! At this point even the Amish are not safe. You didn't explicitly touch on it but try not to make this about your desire to move, try not to be too hard on yourself for this.

I'm happy to read that you are not planning to stop showing your darlings since they are, soooo DARLING.

Hang in there & Happy Friday

[Pioneer Woman]

I don't fear disease. Or accidents. Or anything that's much more likely to happen.

When it comes to my children, I fear one thing: abduction and abuse. Well, that's two things.

I'm convinced everyone out there is lurking in the bushes, ready to snatch my children.
They'll have to fight me first.

[tracy3906]

Emerging from lurkdom to say that I completely agree. This is all too much. Yesterday my Kindergartner even had to practice for such an event. I blogged about it and am still digesting it.

[Josephine]

I'm the last person who should comment because I don't feel safe anywhere. I can spot the weirdo in any crowd and on any street, whereas my large husband is totally oblivious to all but the screamers.

I do believe it has a lot to do with the size of the population: the more people in a city, the more mentally ill people, criminals and creeps you're going to have.

[MelissaS]

LB: This is not at all about the bad neighborhoods. My neighborhood is no more teeming with potential abusers than any other. That's my point and that's what is scary.

The people we must protect our children from isn't really the freak jerking off under a blanket. He's easy to protect our kids from because he's gross and you wouldn't let him babysit or go play with his kids at their house.

I'm not scared of some random predator but I am scared of how many men think it's okay to take advantage of children in horrible ways.

[MelissaS]

Let me make this really really clear Pioneer Woman and Josephine:

Our children are not in serious danger of abduction and abuse. The person who might hurt your child is NOT (statistically speaking) a random mentally ill person, criminal or creep.

I don't know any one, not a single person who has had their child abducted and then abused, I don't know a single person who was abducted and abused as a child.

I do know of several women who were abused as children by people they knew and who their families knew and trusted. I also know of several girls who have been molested by someone in their life they knew and trusted.

Spending time worrying about the boogeyman, I just don't see how we can do that and raise happy productive brave children. If we can't go to the park with out WAITING FOR THE PREDATORS THAT ARE EVERYWHERE, then I don't see how that's a life.

And again, I go back to my original point, which is that your child is at more risk of being abused by someone they know and trust. They're more likely not to tell you if they're made to feel like co-conspirators.

So that's where the energy would be better spent: making sure your children understand adults never ask children to keep secrets, that you will ALWAYS believe them and protect them etc etc etc.

To me that's the productive kind of energy to spend.

[womanwithahatchet]

Melissa, I know exactly what you mean. I took a class on Keeping Children Safe and the one thing they repeatedly said was that it isn't strangers, it's who you already know. They suggested a book called The Gift of Fear.

I feel very "gifted" and I've never read the book, yet.

Instead, here's what I wrote about the subject not too long ago when a friend asked what I was doing putting pictures of my daughter on the web. We can't live in fear all of the time and survive.

http://womanwithahatchet.blogspot.com/2006/09/photographing-caitlin.html

[Lin]

You're absolutely right, Melissa. Children need to be taught (if they don't know already) that they can tell their parents anything, anytime and that they will be listened to.

The page business on the Hill? Just weird shit, not scary shit.

The Amish horror of this past week? More than I can even begin to digest. Those poor children, those poor little girls.

[cagey]

Thank you for saying this. I made the point once on my own blog that children are at greater risk from people they KNOW and that the media totally over-hypes the stranger abductions because those stories sell, sell, SELL. I did receive a few commentst that insinuated I was very naive.

There is a fine line between being Aware and being Afraid. I hope to teach my son the former because the latter? Is stifling and this life is way too short to be lived in fear.

[Shandra]

I feel really strongly about this topic so I'm delurking to comment.

The book "Protecting the Gift" (same author as the Gift of Fear) is really good on this topic for anyone wanting to get a handle on what you can do, if you are just that sort of person.

But the stranger danger stats are pretty clear. Here's a link:

http://www.snipeme.com/archive.php?year=2004&rant=strangers

And some highlights:

"• Children are twice as likely to die of the flu than be kidnapped by a stranger
• Children are 4 times more likely to die of heart disease than be kidnapped by a stranger
• Children are 17 times more likely to commit suicide than be kidnapped by a stranger
• Children are 100 times more likely to die because of an accidental death than be kidnapped by a stranger"

...

The odds of dying in a plane crash are 1 in 310,000. The odds of being abducted by a stranger? 1 in 610,000! Wow, that means that a child is more likely to die in a plane crash than get kidnapped by a stranger.... The odds of being struck by lightening are 1 in 240,000!... A child is 2 and a half times more likely to get hit by lightening than to get taken by a stranger!

[ChristyD]

Melissa, I agree with you completely. A few of my not-so-close friends think I'm nuts because I'm wary of all men who have any contact with my kids. All I can say is, I previously worked in a building that held a meeting each week for sex offenders, and the guys who showed up for that meeting all looked like somebody's white, middle-class grandpa. It opened my eyes a lot. I wish I knew what could be done about it all.

[jocelyn]

The most important thing I have read is that adults don't ask children to keep secrets.
I didn't get that advice. I will give it.

[Maria P.]

I too look at EVERYONE who comes in contact with my children with a very scrutinizing eye.
This topic angers me so much. I truly wish death upon every single one of them. I'll stop there.

[JenInSeattle]

Melissa, thank you so much for your post.

I'm delurking to tell a story. I'll try to make it short (although I know that's unlikely).

At the beginning of this year, we moved cross-country to the Big City, and I was immediately thrown into the lottery process for my 5-year-old's kindergarten. One of the schools we were very (VERY) interested in had a before- and after-school program (of which my kid would be involved two and three days a week) run by a very charismatic young man -- a pillar of the community and neighborhood if I may say.

We ended up choosing another school as our child's school. On the first day of school, however, the director of that other school's before- and after-school program was arrested for child molestation.

I won't go into all the details about how horrible/sick/angry we felt about that here at our house, especially since my child was 'thisclose' to attending that man's program. Needless to say, profanities were shouted and tears were shed. I was ANGRY and CONFUSED.

We're now in the school of our choice, and my kid is attending its own before- and after-school care program, so far with success. There is, however, one young man (the principal's son, for crying out loud!)who is a caregiver in this program, and I find myself NOT TRUSTING HIM. Sucks? Yes, it does. Why do I judge him? Well, I know why I do. Should I feel the way that I do? Probably not. Does that stop me? Well, no.

And this completely, totatlly, and utterly sucks. I hate this part of parenting. I really do.

Thanks for letting me share this.

[kristenv]

As a parent and a mental health professional I am a little obsessed with this subject. Here's what I've learned:

Predators are very patient and may lie in wait for years cultivating relationships with a families and communities in order to develop opportunities to prey upon the vulnerable. They groom you, and in turn your children, to trust them.

SO, focus on that over which you have control: view all with an eye of unapologetic suspicion; teach your children what is appropriate touching and ways to defend themselves should sometime, eg. shouting "no!," running away, making a scene; and make clear that children should NEVER be asked to keep secrets. Think about raising kids to be anything but victims.

For kids that are abused some of the most important things that can put them on the road to recovery is an adult who tells them its not their fault, they're so very sorry for what happened to them, and promises to make sure it never happens again.

I not convinced that there is more abuse now than in the past, I think we just talk about it more openly. And as awful as that can be, we as individuals and as a community can be smarter and safer because of the light we cast in places previously dark and secret. Let the healing begin.

And for the record, I am a vicious proponent of castration for convicted offenders. No such thing as rehabilitation for that crowd.

Gettin' down off the soapbox now. Hang in there, y'all.

[ChristyD]

kristenv,
How can we "promise to make sure it never happens again." ? How do we protect our kids and promise them nobody will ever hurt them in that way? I can see promising my kids that a specific person will never have access to them and will therefore never hurt them again, but what about the rest of the world? How can I promise that?

[virginia]

I read your post the other day- nodding my head and agreeing with what you were saying while at the same time feeling a little smug that something like this would never happen in our little town. This morning a 13-year old walked into one of our middle schools with an AK-47 assault rifle which he pointed at students and faculty. Thank God! no one was hurt but he did fire one shot. Now I am sitting here stunned and shaking with fear. What the fuck is going on!?!?!

[merseydotes]

Whenever I am out with my daughter in public and some random, well-dressed man smiles at Petunia while she's in the grocery cart, singing her way down the sidewalk, etc, I always think the same thing: First, "What a nice man. I bet he has a daughter/neice/granddaughter the same age, and my Petunia reminds him of her." And then second, "I bet he's a child molester! It's always the ones you never suspect."

Petunia turns three on Sunday, and I have already started having some "private parts are not for any grownups except your mom, your dad and your doctor" conversations.

[junegloom]

Hi Melissa, I'm so glad I found another blog out there that is struggling with suburban life! This entry was really powerful, and I thank you for speaking about what I believe is our culture's big fat elephant in the room. Like you, 90% of the girls I grew up were molested and/or raped, and like you and many of the commenters have pointed out, they were abused by family friends and relatives for the most part, not gun toting maniac milkmen.

I did a whole rant on the Amish school shooting (mainly about the media's fascination with psycho gunmen who are guaranteed instant fame for their misdeeds), so I'll skip that for now. But I think the larger question you raise about what the high incidence of pedophilia says about our society's collective unconscious (for lack of a better term) couldn't be more important. From vamped-up kid's apparel to Lolita advertising images to the ubiquitous presence of "teen" porn on the web, the sexualization and exploitation of female children seems to be becoming more and more mainstream in our media-saturated, consumer culture. And that's just a little too freaky for my blood.

Like you, I struggle to wrap my mind around the enormity of the problem. I struggle to know where to begin to solve it while somehow protecting myself from dwelling too much on something that looms so loathsome and large. But I do think it's important to break the silence as much as we can. That's at least a step in the right direction. So, thanks making some good noise on behalf of all those little girls who really have no way to speak for themselves.