The Top Reading Group

A new post at the Buzz Off is up. I'm writing about picking children's books and using blogs to help you do it. "(Oh God How Many Truck Books Can A Three-Year-Old read? Answer: Many.)"

I think I mentioned before somewhere that in elementary school I always believed I was a really good reader and that I should be in the Top Reading Group. And each year I was trapped in the Middle Reading Group. The group for average readers, even though I was certain I was a really good reader. I have no idea why I believed I was a superior reader but every year I was stunned and outraged when the reading workbooks were passed out and mine always had Group Two on it.

Yesterday we attended conferences for the kids. Max's teacher, leaves a little to be desired, which is kind of like my entire experience of living in this neighborhood overall. Talking to Max's teacher about Max was like talking to Max's teacher about the weather: it's a vague and pointless experience.

Conversely we met with Madison's teacher who had such nice things to say about Maddie. She said she's a serious worker and an independent thinker, she told us her reading score grew by nearly 80 points over the summer and that's wonderful because usually kids lose some ground over the summer.

She also said that sometimes (she hesitated, gauging our faces)....Madison seems anxious....and that they spend a lot of time talking through her worries. She worries about substitute teachers and fire drills and a dozen other things. We told her how much ground we've made with Madison who used to cry and cling to my leg at drop off, even in the early part of second grade. We've tried to help her gain confidence by facing her fears but also by respecting her temprement.

I felt so thankful talking to her teacher because she understands who Maddie is and I think Maddie's going to have another year of 'good experiences' under her belt to help her be the most she can be. Her teacher told us one of her daughters was a lot like Madison so she understands and she said sometimes being bright is a blessing and a curse. She said, maybe Maddie is so anxious about things because she's bright enough to think through all possible scenarios and worry about how things will go.

Using that gauge, I am one of the brightest people you've ever met. Given that I've laid awake for over two weeks thinking about what will happen if our house doesn't sell or if our house sells and we can't find a house in our price range and what if we can't send our kids to the school we want and what if the new neighborhood turns out to be full of even louder people who love Willie Nelson at 10pm on a Friday and what if we move to the neighborhood but have to buy the smallest crappiest house and our kids are embarassed to live there when everyone else has nicer houses. Where's my Nobel Peace Prize in worry!

And really the whole point of this story was to tell you this: yesterday Maddie's teacher said she wasn't sure how to handle a situation considering Madison's temprement. "We'll be forming literacy groups with the other 3rd grade class in the next few weeks. Madison's scores are high enough to put her in the highest group, with other kids who read at the same level she does. But she would have to go with the other 3rd grade teacher because I am teaching the mid-level group. I've been pondering if I send her to the other teacher or keep her with me so she's more comfortable."

And my heart burst open and I told her to put her in the Top Reading Group.

I've always wondered if I would have been in the Top Reading Group if so much of my childhood wasn't spent surviving all kinds of bad things.

I know I'm doing so much wrong with my kids, I'm so imperfect I might not even be in the Mid-Level Reading Group of the parenting world.

But it seems to me that since my kids aren't worrying about things adults should be worrying about and they aren't listening to their parents scream and throw things and that since they aren't afraid to go to sleep and they aren't waiting for their parents to get divorced so some of the bad things will stop, they get to be in the Top Reading Group.

And I'm proud of myself for that.

Comments

[carosgram]

In my book you are in the Top Parenting Group and Top Writing Group!

[Wood]

beautiful post. There is a lot for you to be proud of, and letting Maddie with her sweet little worrier temperment fuss over things like substitute teachers (instead of the awful, adult things you had to deal with) is #1 on that list.

[ashleyaugust]

Wow. Your post brought tears to my eyes. The last part is so familiar to me- I remember listening to my parents scream and my mom crying, wondering if my dad would come home drunk or at all. I was in the top reading group, but I think it was just an escape. I have a 6 month old daughter, and whether or not she is in the top reading group, she will NEVER have to hear her parents scream in the middle of the night and be afraid to sleep.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

I was in the top reading group, and I only missed one question on the placement test.
To this day I remember exactly what question it was, and I still think it was a bit of a trick question.

I also still remember my teacher disallowing "colour" as an acceptable spelling.

One shouldn't be so bitter about the 6th grade at my age :

[robin]

I was an anxious, worrisome, fearful little kid in the top reading group. Starting in kindergarten my group had to go up to the next older class for reading. I was *terrified* of the "big kids" and apparently I cried a lot about it .... But my teacher and my parents kept me in the program anyway. I don't remember the crying so much, but I do remember being so proud to be in the top group.

What I'm trying to say is, good for you for encouraging Maddie to take a risk. It may be scary for her, but I'm sure she'll always be glad, and hopefully it will give her confidence to take other Big Scary Risks in the future!

[rootietoot]

When I was in first grade they thought I was mentally retarded because when it was my turn to read a page, I didn't know where we were. Then it turned out it was because I had finished the book and gone on to something else by the time it was my turn. Finally they just sat me in a corner with a chapter book.

[jenn]

I just had a therapy session this morning where we talked about my tendency to "awful-ize" everything to the point that I can't even enjoy my life (which admittedly, is pretty wonderful.) I make a mental list which sounds a lot like yours, of all the horrible things that could go wrong, and then I dwell on that all day until I feel as bad as if all those things had gone wrong. That way at least if something does go wrong, I won't feel any worse. And when I think about it, it's so dumb to do that, but it all goes back to growing up in a dysfunctional family and always waiting for the rug to be yanked out from under me. (By an alcoholic tantrum from my grandfather, who I lived with, or not seeing my mom for a few days, or not seeing my dad for a few months.)

You know what? I'm tired of "awful-izing" and I'm going to try to figure out how to stop. Let me know if you have any suggestions.

Great post, by the way!

[ozma]

Geez. They still do that top reading group thing? That's so retrogade! I can't believe that they still do that!!! Guess where my reading group was in first grade? In the coatroom with a kid named Mike. We could both read long books by that time and the teacher would just put me and Mike in the closet to read by ourselves while she taught the other kids to read. I guess that was the top reading group and I liked to read so it wasn't a horrible torture. My teacher was old and crazy and I realize this isn't exactly the top reading group ideal but I think they would come up with a better plan than top middle and low reading groups in this day and age.

Maddie will be great with you as her mother. I think having a mother who understands and acknowledges who she is is going to give her almost everything she really needs to make it in this scary-ass world.

[flailingmyarms]

I also spend a considerable amount of time trying to figure out how NOT to pass on my own axieties to my kid.

In the end I always feel the same way. I can only do what I can do. And hell, the kid seems pretty happy most of the time.

[Lena]

Sometimes these are the only moments where we allow ourselves to admit we're doing this parenting thing half right: when we're doing better than our parents did. Bravo Melissa. And yay! Maddie!

[Ninotchka]

Save for a few details, I could have written Jenn's comment up there. Wow. Except my therapist calls it "catastrophizing," and I do it all the time. Which is why I'm having to constantly keep track of all the good things in my life. But the inner dialogue of "Don't freak out dumbass, everything's FINE. FIIIIINE!" does get so tiring.

It's nice to have confirmation sometimes that we're not totally frogging it up. Way to go, Madison!

[CursingMama]

A reading score growing by 80 points in the summer is surely a sign of good parenting.

[MelissaS]

Well I think that may be misleading, because there are lots of great families who's kids lost some ground over the summer. It just happens that Maddie likes to read, especially more than she likes to play outside or ride a bike so to me that all evens out.

The part I take pride in is just that I've given her a family which is better than my own in some very important ways.

[drowninginkids]

Way to go maddie, way to go you. My oldest daughter is the same way. It fills me with so much pride.

You have lots to be proud about. I think most of us consider our parenting skills to be lacking at varying times and degrees.

Your children's accomplishments are a reflection of you.

[Candace]

I wonder, daily, how my life would be different if I had had supportive parents who shouldn't have been married in the first place, let alone procreate. My mom was okay, I guess, but she was so fearful of me getting hurt in any way that she never really taught me that I could do anything, be anything. My dad? Forget it. Once I reached about age nine, he'd had enough of me. And I was the quiet, good one!

I know that my kids are well-adjusted and that we're giving them the best foundation of all: a good, solid, happy marriage. Sounds like you're doing the same. Good for us!

[Abigail]

Oh, Melissa, your story made me cry.

My mom was always so pissed that I was in the middle group and she insisted it was because there was so much shit at home and then she was always guilty about the whole experience.

I love how we all have stories like this.

[schmutzie]

You made MY heart swell for Maddie. And for you.

[Paige]

Melissa.
I'm so proud of Maddie. And my heart broke as I read your story. Broke.

[Lisa V]

Melissa, what a wonderful story. This one needs a star next to it when you pull up your archives for your kids one day. And they will say the same thing reading it that I am, you are most assuredly in the high parenting group.

[MelissaS]

Ozma, I haven't worked in Maddie's class this year, but in first grade I volunteered every other week and could honestly never tell if Maddie was in the highest reading group, the middle group....but I could tell the lowest group. But never because anyone said anything. Her teacher was very careful never to refer to the groups as anything but "So-And-So's Group' (each child had a turn being the 'captain'.

I think they're worthwhile since you have kids who can read very well and you have kids who are still struggling. Why dumb down the kids who are catching on faster and make the kids who are not catching on at the same rate by making them feel crappy about their reading skills?

I don't think they say, "Okay, A-List readers you go here."

I think they're subtle but aware that everyone catches on at differe rates.

[Missy]

Awesome.

[Hetty]

Your post brought a lump to my throat.

FWIW, I concur that had you not been going through "interesting times" at home, you almost certainly would have been in the top reading group. And I think you were absolutely right to choose the top reading group for Maddie. Letting her be "dumbed down" to keep her from being a little anxious would not serve her best interests over the long run.

And I also think you are currently in the Top Parenting Group. :)