Hair cut of doom.

I don't like cutting my hair. I also don't like having my hair. I don't like to look at it. I don't like what it does when I attempt to style it. I wish I could rise above my hair and live as a totally self actualized woman without any hair at all. But that will never happen.

This afternoon I am going to get my hair cut. I am going to a new place. All my pretty (and thin) friends go to this man. I would like it if he could make my hair as long and luscious as my friend's (or at least make my ass as thin and lean) but he will be unable to do either of those things.

Instead I've decided I want to crop my hair short. I'm tired of the bob and the inadvertant mushroom-ish triangle it keeps morphing into even though every morning I say, "Today, Hair, today we are not going to become a mushroom. We are going to be normal. We're going to channel a Tea Leoni style bob and we are going to work together."

And my hair tells me to go fuck myself and then I walk out of the bathroom with a mushroom on my head.

Why, you ask, why do I need your help? What you need, you're thinking, is the help of a mental health professional. And I do, and I am getting that. But what I also need is an image to show my hair dresser of what I want my hair to look like.

I can't seem to find a good image of what I'm looking for, maybe you can help me. (My appointment is at 1pm EST.)

First, what I need is a television with that Woolite stain thingie commercial playing to show my hairdresser the haircut I want. You know the one where that lady has a bunch of morons over for cocktails and appetizers and they keep throwing all their food and drink on the floor? Over and over and over and the hostess is on some really good medication because she never says, "Jesus Fuck! What is wrong with you morons? If you drop one more glass of God Damn Merlot on my rug we are absolutely not wife-swapping tonight."

Because that's what I'd say...if we could entertain in this construction zone (I stubbed my toe on an air compressor in the dark tonight)....or if we wife-swapped.

(I'm sure there's a more 'Swinger Savvy' term for wife swapping anyway, isn't there?)

I like the hair on the charmingly sedated hostess in that commercial. I would describe it, if you've seen the commercial tell me if this sounds accurate, as cropped in the back with longer-ish pieces on the top. Not as short as a true over all crop (a'la Jamie Lee Curtis), but not as long as a bob and definitely not some sort of inverted bob either (blech).

So short in the back, cropped up but with longer pieces on the top. Not bob-ish but not pixie-ish either.

Does that make sense? Do you have any pictures to share?

Logan's counting on you. The man has weathered at least 18 hair traumas over the last 14 years. Ask him about the Hair Trauma of 1999 sometime. Almost no one made it out alive after that one.

Finally, after you're done looking for my haircut there are a couple new posts up at The Buzz Off.

"Dear Madison, please stop saying, "One Minute!" every time your parents as you to do something. It's annoying. Love, Santa!" Or "Hey Max. I know you love your parents a lot but 4 am isn't the optimal time for a cuddle puddle. Love, Santa."

Comments

[maiareads]

Consider your daughter advanced. My son did not use the "In a minute" clause until he was 12. Now it has rubbed off on his younger sisters (damn him!). So I implement the 1-2-3 clause, heh, works like a charm!

[Goingape]

Ooh, here are some ideas. We only have crappy antenna reception, so I've not seen your blessed Woolite commercial with the magical hair lady.(When you're poor and in graduate school, one must make important decisions: Cable or Netflix. Netflix won. Mainly because my poor husband ends up nursing a beer and a movie while I attend to this thing called homework...)

Okay..the picture links
http://www.more-hairstyles.com/short/s3.jpg

http://www.more-hairstyles.com/short/s8.jpg

http://www.whistlinginthedark.net/knitting/images/glamourshot.jpg

Or here's a whole bunch
http://www.stylesonvideo.com/styles/blondsho.jpg

[nicole]

I'm pretty sure this is what you're looking for...

http://www.bobcut.com/451070-jpg-hairstyle-picture.html

[nicole]

p.s.

I mock because I love.

[Suebob Davis]

1. You are cute as hell no matter what.

2. I am with you on the hair trauma. I once burst into tears of rage and shame when this idiot Billy Yamaguchi (who I later saw on Queer Eye) feng shui-ed my hair and decided, with all his assistants, that I needed a dye job...I just could not stand HAVING SO MANY PEOPLE LOOK AT AND TOUCH MY HAIR.

I would not expect normal people to understand this, but somehow I truly believe that you, Melissa, will. Such is my faith in you and Suburban Bliss.

[Johschmoh]

Hair trauma - check! I realized last fall that I'd been trying to get the same style to work for 10+ years, and never quite made it. Now I'm still in growing-it-out hell a year later...except that all my hair is falling out post-partum. Fun! Good luck with your new style.

[Eileen]

Check out Clairol.com They have a "try-it-on" studio. You upload your pic and then try different hairstyles, colors etc. I've picked a couple of new hairstyles this way. Good luck!

[Meg]

Hi Liss! My friend Alaina has the haircut for you!!! Watch for pictures in your inbox soon!

[Lauren]

that sounds like heather armstrong's hair - http://www.flickr.com/photos/dooce/140398881/

[Melissa Summers]

How did I never register that it looks like Heather's hair? WTF?

Nicole: I bristled.

Suebob: ME TOO! (I know you're shocked.) I had to stop going to one hairdresser because the place liked to be supportive and have everyone 'come over' to take a look and then tell me how GREAT IT WAS and I just felt so stupid. I couldn't take it. I probably lost my best hairdresser that way.

Going Ape: I think that WhistlingInTheDark picture is pretty close...actually a little different than what I was thinking but i think it might be more flattering. PS: Number 1554 scares the living shit out of me. If I come home with that I will hurl myself into traffic. I'm serious.

[jcklein]

I feel your haircut pain.

After over thirty years of hair strife, I started paying through the nose for the owner of a fabulous salon to cut my hair. I swear that doing this contributed to the health of my marriage (after major hair fiascos in 1993, 1997, 1999 and 2001 - and those are just the ones that occured during the marriage). I could sit down with this man and say, "Make me look good." And he would. I did not have to take in photos, explain, etc. He knew what to do. He did not turn my thin straight hair into a glorious thick mane of flattering waves, but he did make what I had look damn good.

I hope for this for you.

Last week I called to make an appointment. I learned that he had sold the salon and was no longer there. They did not know where he has gone, too. No contact with clients, just gone. I started to cry.

I suspect his father's health has taken a turn for the worse and he is taking care of him in another state, and that the sale was sudden and swift. Sigh.

My husband is bracing himself for more hair strife. For four and a half years he had none of this to cope with. He is thankful for that time. He is also asking all his female colleagues for recommendations in an effort to stem the pain.

Good luck today!

[Katie Lady]

Hey!

Visiting from Sweet Juniper and thought I'd pipe up for this post. There's an email from a strange person coming your way. That's me.

[stephanie]

I have a haircut that I think is similar to the one you want. I showed my stylist a picture of Sienna Miller with short hair. http://www.hairboutique.com/tips/tip21070.htm (scroll down a bit). Here's another picture of it: http://www.thehairstyler.com/celebrity_hairstyle.asp?name=Sienna+Miller

Mine is pretty low maintenance and hard to make look bad. Good luck!

[flyingstef]

That hostess looks a lot like Josie Bisset from Melrose Place. I used to have that haircut and wish I could afford to get it back. Or that I could at least afford a stylist who understands that bangs are supposed to end above, not below, the eyes.

What does the hostess say? "Just squeeze, blot, and groom?" That commercial is brilliant -- it's so annoying but we all know it!

[Susan]

"Squeeze, blot, and groom" is what I do to my hair every morning. Seriously.

[Melissa Summers]

You forgot 'And Done!' (and also, "Now stop spilling shit on my carpet you idiots.")

[bliss44]

Buy a Chi flat iron. Seriously. Best $100 you can spend for hair care and ultimately, your daughter will demand one. Heat it up and squish those mushroom ends. No amount of layering and cutting will tame fat hair and I speak from experience. In fact, have hair cut dude show you how to use one today. Good luck!

[Katiegirl]

De-lurking to say that Brittany Murphy had a super cute short haircut in 2003-ish, but for the life of me I can't find a picture. It was short in the back, longer in the front with a deep side part and kind of flippy-outtie on the sides. (The only reason I know this is because I had my hair cut like this using her picture a couple years ago, I'm not a Brittany Murphy psycho stalker or anything.) Also, I saw you quoted in the NY Times today in the Cosmopolitan Moms article. Awesome!

[m.]

Um, Melissa, was this whole haircut dilemma thing cooked up to mask the fact that YOU ARE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES TODAY??? :D "Cosmopolitan Moms," indeed...you are in the Top 10 Most Emailed Articles right now, woo!

[m.]

Although, allow me to clarify -- the article is a little over the top, with that picture of the kid being menaced by a looming glass of white wine! A classic Thursday Style Section driveby of an old trend, with some gloomy quotes from "the experts" to make it "legit." But YOU are great in it! ;)

[Melissa Summers]

I'm going to comment on it but I need to have a drink first. Ha!

And go get my hair cut.

[Laurie]

http://freestatefamily.com/parents/profiles/loralee_stevens.shtml

I love this hair. My hair is supposed to be cut like hers (a little stacked in the back, with long, messy, wispy pieces in front) but does not look quite as good since she has natural curl. the bitch! Anyhoo, I thought you might be able to get inspiration from it. I hope I haven't commented too late. How dare I wait until 12:02 CST to read your blog!!!! Bad me!

[Emily]

So,
I found this site that lets you pick cuts and stules on your "digital model" I am not sure how great it is, but my digital model was quite busty so it was worth while to play with it! Good luck!

http://www.hairfinder.com/hair_imaging.asp

[Ginevra]

I have the mushroom dilemma myself, it's a wavy hair thing. Tell your stylist that instead of plain mushroom, you need them to take some of the weight out of it. The mushroom cut is easy, every hairstylist learns it, but a good one knows how to cut the right angles into your hair - think layers, but vertically instead of horizontally to encourage your hair to lay straight instead of poofing out.

Also, cannot recommend a ceramic flat iron and Biosilk enough. My mom post-chemo even used biosilk on her scalp to moisturize. It's awesome stuff.

Spend the money. Your haircut is like the outfit you wear, but every. single. day.

[Melissa Summers]

I'm back. I think I like it. I think it could even be shorter. But yes he cut a lot of weight out of it.

It's weird I have the thinnest finest hair but all the sudden I'm growing a ton of it.

A flat iron? Really? Even on the straightest of straight hair you've ever seen? Like a piece of paper?

[Ginevra]

It's helpful on the ends with a bit of product to get a bit of the spiky shape. and there is some science of hair thing that says even though your hair is straight as a pin, the individual hairs aren't, so a bit on the ends "finishes" the look.

If you get the right cut, you can even stack it up in the back to get that 70's mom era look like that one scene in Eternal Sunshine with the go-go dresses. Am I still talking? God.

SHOW US YOUR HAIRCUT NOW PLEASE AND THANK YOU.

[Buttercup]

What about Charlize Theron as Aeon Flux. That's a bobbish do with longer angles in the front, and it's slightly shorter in the back. Here's a pic:

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://images.allmoviephoto.com/2005_Aeon_Flux/2005_aeon_flux_035.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.allmoviephoto.com/photo/2005_aeon_flux_035.html&h=782&w=1200&sz=212&hl=en&start=13&tbnid=D-qMHJmU_rnn2M:&tbnh=98&tbnw=150&prev=/images%3Fq%3Daeon%2Bflux%26svnum%3D10%26hl%3Den%26lr%3D%26sa%3DN

[Buttercup]

By the way, I saw you in the NY Times too (but I've visited before)!! Congrats!

[CursingMama]

I had my hair cut last night by my very trusted long time stylist person. She is wonderful with the cut but always interesting with the style.

Last night when I arrived home Gameboy rolled his eyes at me in total exasperation because I was clearly going to ruin his social life. He then proceeded to tell me that I looked like a Japanese Punk Rock Star and it wasn't a good look for a 36 year old white lady.

I really wish I could reproduce what she did to me just once when I have to pick that little crapper up.

[lorrainemd]

This is a little longer than you want, but I this is a look. a look that will get looks.
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/Media/Photos/Helicopter_Hair2/

[Jennifer]

Good lord - how amazing to find you in the NYT! It was a little strange that immediately after your quotes they said psychologists worry about martini playdates when you made a perfectly good argument for them, but whatever. I hope you get lots of good traffic!

[Carla*Hinkle]

I have had many, many years' experience with the mushroom, in numerous incarnations.

The only thing that ever de-mushroomed me was a flat iron. Seriously. It is one of the best beauty purchases I ever made.

At first I bought a cheapie which was a big mistake and fried my hair. After sucking it up and spending close to $100, I now have Hair I Don't Constantly Hate. Just sometimes.

I also got the best cut ever my last cut -- kinda short-ish and layered but with a little "swing" to it. Not sure how that happened -- I just said "cut it short, I hate it" and this is what emerged. The best thing is that if I spend 15-20 minutes drying it and flat ironing it properly, I only have to wash/dry/iron it every 5 DAYS. I think I have reached hair nirvana.

Good luck!

[beth]

So, I stumbled across your blog in the NYT article today. The prospect of a real-sounding mom out there with the binky-garnished martini logo sounded too promising. I probably won't drop too often because I generally end up too lazy to wander out of LJ in to the rest of the blogging world, but I just had to stop by and mention that your blog rocks! So any time I need a break from the uber-mommies at school or the hot single chicks at work, I'll have to drop by and get my fix.

That said, I'm no help for the haircut dilemma. Mine is so hopeless, I've opted to actually grow it back out long. At least I can pull it back in to a ponytail that way.

[BlackMagicGothicVamp]

My favorite part iz when u said your hair tells u 2 go fuck yourself. I got my hair cut in April 2006 and I'm use to it now. I'm 14 and I got it cut when I was 13 and u know the 8th grade boys were talking about me and I just didn't listen to them. But I do miss my bangs!!!!