The hair is the best, that's all that matters. Right?

First of all: Here's what happens when you think Cocktail Playgroups are a good idea.

Oh My God you Guys I would totally write this now but I'm totally SHIT FACED!!!!! And the kids are staring at me while I do it! Look at this example I'm setting for them! I had three beers in three hours and now? I'm SO WASTED!!

Woops! Sorry honey, mommy just fell down! Can you help mommy up!? Where's my drinks honey? What do you mean this is the toy fridge? Madison, be a dear and fix mommy another Momtini?

Zzzz....no...nooo...honey Mommy's just resting her eyes.

Yes the New York Times revealed today that sometimes 'Mommies' are also 'Grown Ups' and they may share an adult beverage or two. Sometimes RIGHT IN FRONT OF CHILDREN!!! But please don't worry, they only drink beer, wine or cocktails after they shoot up in front of the children because we need the children's help to keep the needle steady.

No no no. I think Stacy Lu handled the topic with balance. She shared the risks of drinking, drinking in general has the same risks actually and also shared the idea that perhaps mothers having a cocktail together is just another example of mothers just being people.

No my comments are in response to the first round of comments at Blogging Baby, where I have a history with the Righteous Indignation of middle America.

The last comment I read was actually a decently provocative one, where someone suggested that drinking wasn't the problem but teaching kids that alcohol is a way to relax might be. I take that to heart and so I'm having a masseuse come to my house every day before I crack open any alcohol.

No, but really I do take that comment to heart because I think that's something to be mindful of as a parent. (This was not sarcasm.) (No really.) (See everytime I say it's not sarcasm you think, 'See? She's being sarcastic!') (But I am not being sarcastic. I think there is the risk that you send your kids the message that drinking = relaxing no matter if you drink with other moms or with your husband each night. It's something I think about.)

This as opposed to Tina before that comment, who said, [I added caps so I can imagine Tina SCREAMING AT HER COMPUTER]

"HAVE YOU PEOPLE LOST YOUR MINDS? WAKE UP! KIDS DO WHAT THEY SEE. THEY LEARN BY EXAMPLE. KEEP DRINKING DURING PLAYDATES...THEN MAYBE YOU CAN ALL GET TOGETHER IN THE ER A FEW YEARS FROM NOW WHEN ONE OF THEM WRAPS THEIR CAR AROUND A TREE IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR....LIKE THEIR MOM TAUGHT THEM TO DO."

I'm always teaching my kids to wrap their cars around trees in a drunken stupor because everyone knows having a drink or two as an adult of legal drinking age in moderation means we're all totally shit-faced and then driving our cars around trees.

When our kids do that we'll have to look at each other and say, "Wow, we taught our kids to do that. We should be very very proud of us....Want to have a drink?"

But imagine this? I'm not sure I mind if my kids model my behavior. When they're adults, if they would like to enjoy a drink with friends, I hope they model my behavior and do just that. I hope they don't drink to the point of being drunk and I hope they're responsible drinkers when they're old enough to partake. That's what we're modelling really. We're modelling that with less wrapping of cars around trees and trips to the ER.

Right after I was interviewed for that piece, I asked my girlfriends if they wanted to be photographed for the piece at a cocktail playgroup. One of my friends brought up her concerns that the public would judge us (check out Flogging Baby for that) and that maybe the Times wouldn't portray us the way we'd like. At first I bristled with irritation ('Screw everyone!' I thought) but then, when I had to promise everyone, "It won't happen that way." I found I couldn't really promise that.

We all remember the Mommyblogging piece? The one Alice called "Vaguely damning". The thought of putting my friends in a picture where the Flogging Baby people could judge them left me uneasy and the thought of a picture of one of my friend's kids peering at an ominous wine glass in a national paper makes me want to throw up so I told Sandra we weren't interested. I almost changed my mind a couple of times but really? I just couldn't do that to them, I didn't want that over my head.

Not long after that interview, Logan and I went up to the Clarkston Union for Oktoberfest. While there we saw a crowd of mostly parents having a beer or two while their kids jumped in the moonwalk, or danced to the band or waited for face painting.

(Funny aside, the band that day was  Strum Diggity who does not have a website. It's a kid's band led by a very nice lady who recognized Logan from this site and introduced herself after she was done singing. And then? It turns out she was the college roomate of Xiobahn. The world is very small unless you want to floss all the teeth in the world.)

And I wondered, what the hell is the difference here? Parents, responsibly imbibing. No one is stumbling or vomiting. We're just being people at a little festival...and we have kids.

Given that we're talking about drinking in moderation, like real right grown ups. Let's say we're talking about the generally accepted guideline of about one drink an hour. I'm just not sure it's something worth getting worked up about.

I love that site I just linked and how it points out all the hip slang for being drunk!

"Other words for being intoxicated include getting pissed, loaded, smashed, hammered, buzzed, sloshed, wasted, wrecked, ripped and just plain drunk"

I predict a night before the end of the year where I end up saying to Logan, "You know what!? I am Jush Plain Drunk." (Never fear! I will not be 'Pissed' in front of the children. Imagine what would happen then.)

I think what I'm realizing is how when discussing mothers sharing a few drinks, people's personal beliefs and experiences with alcohol come into play.

If you believe a drink = being shit faced. Then yes, you're going to have a huge problem with moms having drinks. If you grew up with a rageful alcoholic, you might tie alcohol to those behaviors and so all drinking might be 'bad' to you. Keeping those things in mind as I face the judgements of the internet kind of helps.

So much of what the internet thinks about you is how they perceive you through the filters of their own experiences.

Now that we've gotten the alcohol aspect out of the way, I also want to talk about another thing I said during that interview (which was ON THE PHONE! New readers: I don't like the phone. Or hugs.).

"It might just be a way of weeding out the mothers who are righteously indignant about what other people do. I know I don’t need more mothering guilt or mothering judgment in my life.”

You don't need to have a cocktail to do that, in my group of girlfriends it just cut through a lot of bull shit. If you think women who have a beer in front of their kids are irresponsible asses, you and I aren't going to be able to be friends. (FYI: If you're a baby eating Presbyterian, we're not going to be friends either.)

Not because I need you to love beer (or wine or cocktails) but because if a beer freaks you out then you're probably not going to like the fact that I am depressed and am on and off medication. You're also not going to like the fact that sometimes? I don't like my kids and I think they're being whiney brats and I want to put them to bed at 3pm or sell them on Ebay.

Last year we were standing outside the preschool and a woman was standing with my group of friends. We were talking about our weekend, the weekend where Logan as a shriner (in fairness to the anti-drinkers...that was a night it was actually good there were no children around. Whoa.) had gotten his fair share of Halloween. He left the first party we were at to go to a second party with one of my friends, I went home because I can't go that long. At parties. 

My friend mentioned the ugly hangover she'd had the next day and the ride home they'd had to get from the party's (sober) hostess. We laughed about it, because in our world, everyone cuts loose sometimes.

The look of disgust on the other mother's face was so distinct I wondered if someone hadn't farted.

She didn't even attempt to hide her feelings saying, "You went to a party with her husband?"

Because going to a party together means you are having an affair. That's all it can mean.

And then, after she was done judging us for our open marriage, she said, "Wow, drinking? I guess you just kind of outgrow that kind of partying at some point. I mean, I just don't see the point."

It's true, I don't drink like I used to. We don't party like we used to. But we do drink and we do go to parties. And in that one brief conversation I knew this woman and I would never, ever be friends. Not because she chooses not to drink or go to parties anymore now that she's married with children.

We kind of couldn't be friends because it seemed, from her incredulous comments, that she didn't understand how people could incorporate versions of their former selves into their current life as mothers and wives.

Her life included tea and cookies at playgroups and quiet nights at home with her husband marvelling at the fruit of their loins and anything outside of that? Is Not. Normal. As I said, I've got enough guilt and angst in regards to my life as a wife and mother, I don't need help adding to it.

I don't want people like that in my life and if serving cocktails gets rid of those people faster? I'm happier because of it.

Let's have a cocktail.

Also? I got my hair cut and I just can't say enough nice things about it. I am in awe of what a razor can do to eliminate the mushroom. As my new hairdresser cut my hair, he said, wiping a drip of sweat from his brow (with the effort of it all), "Wow, has anyone ever told that for fine hair you sure have a lot of it."

I replied, "No...no one's ever told me that but...I think I love you."

Alex of Alex Emilio salon (new website: now) on Main street south of Fourth cuts the hair of many mothers I know. If you live in the Royal Oak area, I'm going to strongly urge you to call him.

Today while he cut my hair he asked what I do for a living. I said, "Well I write for a couple of websites. You've heard of blogs?"

And he replied, "Wow. That's great."

So he wasn't listening to me and still I don't care because this cut is amazing.

Comments

[mountaingrrrl]

Love the 'do! I hacked off my flippy mushroom last Saturday, and it looks similar to your cut. I walked out feeling like a million bucks, just what a frumpy-feeling mom needs. As far as those grouchy teetotalers: fuck'em. I enjoyed the article and bet that my cluster of moms could identify with it.

[Deena]

Ms. Summer's I do like the new do. Looks fab. The whole Ms. thing is craking me up though. I don't get that. What was she thinking?

[Meghan]

Melissa, I totally want to be you when I grow up*. Seriously. You are one of the most amazing people I 'know' and I LOVE how you can put into words exactly how I feel about this topic.

And yay! The hair is perfection. A good haircut makes all the difference.

*And by 'grow-up' I mean 'get married and have babies.' Because I know there is little chance of me actually 'growing-up' in this lifetime.

[GetSheila]

In regards to everything you just said, plus the groovy new 'do: I'll drink to that!

[PK]

Cute hair!
My grandparents drank and my mom never touches it. My mom never touches it and I can drink like a fish. So I don't go in for the whole "bad example" thing, when you're talking moderation, which you are. Kids aren't complete idiots.

[sarae]

When I read that article earlier, I was thinking that if having kids mean 18+ year of sobriety, maybe I didn't ever want to have kids. But, whew, they're wrong.

Also, I really like your hair. If my head didn't look weird with short hair, that's exactly the type of cut I'd want. It's perfect on your head. I mean, you.

[Lynnster]

I grew up in a home where there was beer in the evenings. Anytime there was any socializing and I got to accompany the 'rents, there was alcohol around. Whenever we went to my parents' best friends or they came to us, there was much alcohol and usually a fair amount of champagne between the women. Actually let me rephrase that - a LOT of champagne.

I suppose it's debatable and depends on who you talk to, but I grew up all right. Heck yeah, I partied as a teenager and in college, but it's not like I ever needed 12-step recovery. So to all that I say basically - pffft.

Things like this make me kinda glad I'm not a parent - the level of freaked-out-ness about things like this just slays me sometimes.

(PS Never wore a seat belt 'til college either and I lived to tell about it!)

[jenB]

you LIE about hugs. at least i know you like mine now. and i wish you liked the phone. When Mark and I drink, it is usually after a bad day, or hockey or just because we wanna. Since we are home now more because of the toddler, we seem to drink more. I drink AND I am on meds! JUDGE ME! I can't imagine we will change anything as the kid gets older. You can certainly model responsible drinking.

and your hair looks fab'.

[Missy]

As a fellow gal with a lot of fine, straight hair that never wants to do anything...I LOVE YOUR HAIRCUT.

As for the uptight prudes, people find the most ridiculous things to judge others about. Fuck 'em.

[FlippyO]

Do you think I shouldn't pop pills in front of the pets? They're now saying (I read it in the Wall Street Journal) that animals have consciousness. I worry that they'll imitate me and wrap their car around a tree after popping too much Rimadyl. And I suppose if pills are out, pot is a super no-no. Imagine if my pets had the munchies? Ugh, two 100lb dogs wanting Doritos and brownies - I'd never be able to keep any junk food in the house.

Great haircut!

[AlisonC]

I love your new hair!!

Lets have a cocktail to celebrate ;o)

[lousoz]

Your hair is so very cute! I"m happy for you.
You are not the first person who has recommended him/that salon. However, it's one of those places ( like Somerset) where I can't enjoy the experience because I don't feel like I fit in. I might reconsider it though, if the money ever starts growing on the tree we planted out back.
And this: " that she didn't understand how people could incorporate versions of their former selves into their current life as mothers and wives." is why I'm in therapy. And boy are the people I've been friends with forever freaked out by that. My new "mom" friends, well, they are quite possibly the most supportive people around. And now that the hospital sponsored portion of our mom's group is over, I fully expect there to be some time of drink at our playgroups. They just seem like the type that'll be cool with it.

[Karen Rani Bodkin]

Love the haircut. LOVE the drinking points. I grew up with a raging alcoholic, but I enjoy drinks like a normal person and *gasp* I've been known to drink with my kids still awake. Is 11 a.m. too early? I THINK NOT.

[Justbeachy]

Melissa! I love that haircut on you! I had one similar it is so amazingly easy to care for.

Now. article. Didn't read it. Just going by what you are saying. I agree.

I dont want to write a book in your comments, but. Both my parents were total alcoholics, my stepfather was a drug addict. They taught me well. By 20 I was addicted to both. Over the years I made choices that led me to be who I am today. I am a Christian (WoW! You think drinking at playgroup is bad, wait till you announce that you believe in God - the looks, the steps backwards..) Next, I am a woman. I do not forget that even though I am married and have kids. They do not define me (which I think a lot of this indignation comes from - lots of moms are defined by their roles instead of who they are) Next, a Wife - yes, if given the choice, I would rather spend time with my husband than with my kids. Then I am a mom. (Shocking, they come in fourth.) I go to church activites/lead bible studies and drink wine - usually a glass (or two) a night. And my kids are here. I pour a glass while I am making them dinner - and enjoy that glass while I am having dinner. Our evenings are relaxed and enjoyable.

Not a problem. People are always going to judge - because as you say they are looking at you through their own experiences. The key is knowing that it is their problem not yours. I LOVED THIS POST. Thanks.

[Elisette]

I'm 23 weeks pregnant with my second child and would really really like to have a few drinks. Obviously I can't. Have one for me at the cocktail playgroup!

[Suebob Davis]

My mom is of the generation that thinks that (any random man) + (any random woman) alone together = instant mad hot sex. The idea of male/female friendship just wasn't a concept back then, I guess. I wish people would get over it.

[jennifer]

Amen on the mommy judgment. Those kind of people are the ones who are insecure and measure one's full value as a person on black/white parenting -- because heaven knows that there are no such things as personalities and circumstances that may vary. But you knew that already.

Anyway, thanks for the haircutter recommendation. I have desperately needed one for a while, and I need someone who razors. Love me some razor, and it's hard to find people who do it right.

[smoov]

People in Europe drink as part of their culture, they drink right in front of their kids. They don't have the alcohol issues there that we have here. Americans are so uptight but then they also don't understand the concept of moderation. Drinking at the table with friends, food, conversation....nothing wrong with the kids seeing that. Passing out on the kitchen floor, well probably not so good for them to see that.

[msadventures]

This post is fantastic. THANK YOU. I guess some people think they're doing the best for their kids when they give things up, but to me there's just something so...phony...about it, as if they're trying to say "I don't exhibit this behavior so therefore it doesn't exist and when you grow up you won't do such things." It's so dishonest and delusional. I can't be one of those people whose entire identity just becomes "Mother" after having kids. I've tried it and it made me miserable and I'm still digging my way out of it.

So, thank you for a fantastic post, congratualtions on your fantastic new haircut, does Alex make house calls? To Arkansas? You are fantastic.

[Jessica]

I have to make a comment about drinking in front of your kids. I grew up in a home where my mother drank often, not to get drunk, but often. As children at school we are taught to stay away from alcohol and drugs. Alcohol and drugs are bad. Hearing this at school and then seeing my mother drink at home was very conflicting to me. I felt ashamed that I had a mother who drank weekly. I felt insecure about it because she was doing something wrong. This started around the age of 5. Now, I am not saying not to drink in front of your kids. I just wanted to let you know how some children may feel or think about the weekly drinking. I think it is important to talk with children on their feelings about it.

[Meganann]

It really bugs me how that article goes from you saying "one glass of wine is nice" to "one glass of wine is too much for a MOM, you will kill your children because of your boredom induced drug-addiction". Nothing like a little more drama to make a woman feel guilty over responsible social drinking.

I noticed that no one really gets all fussed about the dad's getting together at someone's house to watch the game and drink beer, where children may indeed be present. No, that sort of behavior is not at all the same as a mother drinking a beer with friends on a Friday afternoon.

Thank you so much for cutting through the sactimony surrounding women's behavior. The standard that mothers are held to is one of the biggest hipocrasies American society.

[Heather]

I like this part the best - "she didn't understand how people could incorporate versions of their former selves into their current life as mothers and wives."

[Jessi Louise]

Great post! Lots of laughs and food for thought as well. It inspired my latest post: http://jessilouise.blogspot.com/2006/11/mom-in-box.html.
Thanks!

[Melissa Summers]

Jessica that's another interesting point. We do the same thing with cigarettes. I don't want my kids to smoke for a lot of reasons, but my sister and mother both smoke (not around the kids but my kids know they do) and we talk about how it doesn't make them bad people. We just wish they didn't because it's not good for your lungs.

We talk (with maddie) about how alcohol can be bad for you just like candy can be bad for you if you have too much.

We talk about how drinking isn't for kids but when she's an adult she can drink if she chooses to but it's a little like junk food. You can have it but not too much.

As she gets older the message will change of course to reflect peer pressure and all of that.

It's very sad to me that watching your mother have a few drinks made you feel ashamed. I guess I wish schools would talk more about responsible drinking if that's the only message you walked away with.

[Susan]

Razoring makes all the difference.

[Shawnee]

I'm not even a mom, but I can completely respect that it is the most difficult & demanding (albeit rewarding) job out there. What I have never understood is why some women try to make this role even more difficult with the judgement & negativity against other women. When are we going to learn that EVERYONE DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE SAME to be acceptable? We're supposed to be the nurturers, why can't we support each other?

Oh, & the hair? LOVE IT. So jealous.

[CatLady?]

Great post and great hair. Regarding the comment from the woman on blogging baby, who said "none of them were drunk, but they had been drinking and not paying attention" when describing a group of moms at a pool, where a child had drowned. No one can ever watch their children for every single second of every day; there are many things that distract us, such as lack of sleep, or stress, our own health issues, or just being preoccupied with another problem. We have responsibility in all of these things; moms do the best they can to balance the real world and raising children. Why judge someone so harshly for having a drink responsibly? The outcome in that situation was tragic, and that poor mother will live with the guilt for the rest her life. Is it any less tragic if she were preoccupied with her own health? Tired from a new baby? Distraught from a fight with her family? Blaming doesn't solve anything, and judging doesn't solve anything. It just makes the person blaming and/or judging feel righteous and superior, which is selfish in the end.

[jgsearls]

The hair? It is fantastic.

CatLady - couldn't agree with you more.

As for the comments on Blogging Baby - when, pray tell, did we as a country lose our sense of humor and our common sense?

[anne nahm]

Very thought-provoking post.

It seems to me to be somewhat alarming - and something of a trend in our generation - to believe our children have no resilience.

As their parents, we have promoted ourselves to demi-gods. Anything we do might crush their little souls and wreck their natural lives. As such, parents are free to be as punative as possible towards other parents about anything that might even have a whiff of possibly being harmful. It is after all, for the safety of the child.

Now, it is common to think that the mother who never goes out and has a drink with her friends is morally superior.

But I don't know that children who are snuggled in front of the fireplace, with their loving parents and no one else, never doing anything but reading books and playing Monopoly with their siblings... I don't know if that isn't an equal problem for a child's development.

Sure, they will be safe and loved and not scarred by some memory of drunken parents, but they will also not have a very wide view of the world. And they may not have much understanding of others around them.

Anyway, sorry for the hijacking.

And great hair!

[sarah]

What a great post. Drinking isn't evil, especially in moderation. When we talk about modeling, I would hope we would model how to have beer or wine without getting drunk. Our kids need that message, rather than an all-or-nothing Prohibition. I can see good in showing kids that moms and dads know when to stop, when to avoid driving, when to sip. My only complaint about my own drinking is the calories :)

And I like your new hair. I think I have your last cut--thank you for inspiration for the next.

[TeriLynn]

I love how in the article, they mention bringing wine coolers... I guess they had to mention the teen-pregnancy moms.
Ha! Oh, you're not going to laugh, are you? oh.

[MoMo]

I think you can allow some space for mothers who for whatever reason would not drink in front of their kids, but don't judge those who do. I have no problem with anyone, including my husband, drinking in moderation in front of my son, but I choose not to because of my own experiences as a kid with an alcoholic step-father. It has nothing to do with how I feel when others do it. I don't see it as wrong, I don't judge others when they do it -- I simply make a different choice at this point. That might change. It takes time to figure it all out -- to figure out how to integrate your old self and your new self and to work through your own childhood issues -- so I can only hope that you would give me the benefit of the doubt if I was one of those mothers not drinking at playgroup.

[Abigail]

Whenever one of my friends gets drunk, he goes through that list, holding up his fingers as a scale of 1 to 10. Then he carefully considers and announces where he is on the scale.

Love the haircut!

[Dana]

Where are all of those tongue cluckers when adults have a glass of wine at holidays meals? There's a difference between responsibly enjoying a glass of wine or a beer and getting sauced. Those who choose not to, cool beans; it doesn't mean that those who choose to are alcoholics or that their kids will wind up in AA at 16. My best friend nearly died of alcohol poisoning at 16 and was in AA at 17 and his parents NEVER drank.

[Melissa Summers]

MoMo: You're right and I was trying to say that. If my friends pulled out a glass of wine and someone in the group cluck clucked at it? Well, I don't really want to hang out with that person.

On the other hand, if that person grabbed a soda and kept on talking? Who cares! It's an attitude as much as it is partaking in the beverage.

(When I first met one of my best friends she was pregnant and couldn't drink. I still grew to love her and welcomed her into our group. Another friend rarely drinks at playgroup, because she was training for a half marathon or whatever. It's not the drinks. Really it's not.)

[turtletam]

I surfed my way to this site from a story on AOL. I have to say your blogspot is the best! I makes me sad that I have moved away from your area, i would have loved to get together for a 'play date' with my kids!

[Lorri Dean]

I just found your AMAZINGLY written blog from a link on AOL. Can I say that I SOOO want a momtini party, too?! In fact, this weekend...I'm getting myself a bottle of wine and a nice wine glass. I deserve to relax with 5 kids!! :)

[AmyinMotown]

Love the hair. I have heard great things about Alex Emilio but agree with a previous poster who said she'd just feel like she doesn't fit in. I am always too self conscious that people look at me and think "Those pants come from TARGET! Yoou SUCK!" I let myself get too intimidated by beauty-service places, affter bad experiences.

I was so happy to see you quoted in that article, and I think they did a great job of not making the cocktails moms seem pathetic or dangerous. I thought about emailing it to friends saying "We NEED this" but sadly, I can't imagine who I would approach.

Growing up, my parents had an active group of friends and neighbors they socialized with and had a few drinks with regularly. I didn't even like their friend's kids, but it still led to nice memories and was a great way to grow up. No one got stumbling drunk, and we kids were never left "on our own." IN many ways it as a great way to grow up (and the ways in which it wasn't have everything to do with my parent's expectations of me and nothing to do with alcohol).

[Rita Arens]

I think it's only appropriate that those who create alcohol-friendly playgroups to chill out the judgement that often goes on in playgroups are then judged.

And I *am* being sarcastic.

There are those who will judge us regardless. I doubt Europeans discuss whether or not wine at the playgroup is appropriate. This is just us being uptight Americans.

[VoxNoir]

I signed up for TypeKey just so I could leave a comment here.

Surely you are properly impressed.

Moving on -

Saw you mentioned in the Times. This post is a riot. I snorted latte up my nose while laughing. Unattractive, yet strangely satisfying. (could it become a dangerous addiction?!)

Since everyone loved your hair, I went back and looked. Having cury/wavy/straight/fineyetverythick hair, one hoped for a derring do to emulate. Unfortunately, my hair doesn't razor well - disappointing - but all is well, considering it does, at least, look quite fetching on you.

As stated by someone whose nickname I (rudely) didn't bother to recall, Europeans drink like fish, their kids don't explode or emulate tree bark...and the French in particular (winos all) have remarkably fewer incidences of diet-related heart disease - and their diet is even 'less healthy' than ours. (take that, FDA!)

They teach their totlings about enjoyment and moderation, not puritanical twaddle about how the demons of alcohol possess you if you so much as sniff a whiff of gin from a block away. Ah, America...

All intercontinental anecdotes aside/asnide, please forge onward with nothing but a smirk and a momtini - and a (chicken) pox on the Parent Police.

Since one is now 'invested', after having registered, expect an eventual return visit - whereupon one expects an equal level of hilarity and bon mots, or bon bons, or whatnot.

Swizzle on, sister - amen.

[JazzB]

The article kinda disturbed me. I felt like it was a bit skewed to be controversial. In the begining it seemed harmless but then the whole "repeating the 50's wives" thing just rubbed me the wrong way. We've had playgroups where the hostess has served drinks to those of us who wanted them. Not everyone drinks at these things and we're usually there for 2-3 hours and we have food, too. It's not just about drinking. We need the companionship and fun w/o judging!

Very cute haircut! I have lots of hair but its thick so I could never pull that off.

[Amy]

I am so happy that I have actually met some like-minded moms in real life. Generally, as a group, we moms need to take a chill pill (but God-forbid we do it in front of the kids - oh the scarring!), and not judge and not care about being judged (I know, I know, I fail at that too).

Think of how much happier and relaxed the moms are when they can enjoy themselves and how much that translates to the kids. Especially when a little bourbon goes into the sippy cup. (sarcasm people!).

If we were forced to be sober for 18+ years like some commenter up higher said, I think when the kids moved out, I would go on one hell of a bender.

Growing up, my parents met with friends every weekend and the evening (for them) consisted of pizza, cards, and Harvey Wallbangers. No one ever became a stumbling, sloppy drunk.

Like a few others, the reference to moms of the 50's was a little disturbing, yet not entirely off the mark. Mother's little helper comes in many forms, we're just not so ashamed about it nowadays.

[Julie B.]

I'm really glad you posted about this topic, it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm pregnant with my first kid and been wondering how to deal with the whole drinking thing post-baby. It's hard for me to navigate, because my parents NEVER drank, in front of us or otherwise, so I can't really think of how it would affect a child to see their parents drinking. I'm more along the lines of the commenter who said that they don't want their kids to view alcohol as the way to relax at the end of the day, and I really don't want my kids to be sneaking off and drinking at friends' houses at 16 because that's what their parents do. But on the other hand, I don't want to make alcohol such a "forbidden" thing that they go off to college and binge drink when they finally have access to it. Because I've known kids that have done both. I guess it's just nice to read a post from someone advocating being yourself after you have kids. Because really, the thought of never having another shiraz once I pop this kid out is enough to send me spiralling into depression.

Oh, and I LOVE the new haircut, very chic!

[karenw]

I'm pretty sure I love you. My friend and I were having a conversation the other day which went something like this:

Me: I think I'm going to sell my kids on Ebay.

Her: Yeah, what do you think you'll get for them?

Me: I'm not sure, but I'm thinking a case of pinot grigio would be a good deal.

[Keri]

Virgin reader, virgin poster... found you in the NYTimes article. Please continue with your crusade. I am a very recent empty nester (yes!). My children are 18, 19 and 21. I was raising children way before the internet, way after the 50's and horribly during the "it's all about the children no matter what" years. I sacrificed everything. I AM the epitome of "supermom" and then some. My god the pressure... I was also an "in-the-closet-wine/beer-consumer". My god the guilt. My god the debates and sometimes outright fights, over the fact that "mommy" after working an 8-10 hour day in a 6 figure pressure cooker job, poured a glass of wine (ok, or three) while cooking that perfectly balanced meal (that she was also going to have to clean up after).
I'm here now to tell you all... All of you with little ones... Don't let them do it to you! Don't let the media, the other moms (they are jealous cows), or the mommy-eaters, make you feel one iota of guilt over this. You deserve your cocktail (don't you LOVE that word!) parties and then some!!
I let it eat me alive.
And here I sit, Friday night in Manhattan. I have no girlfriends here. I have no guy friends who are "allowed" to hang out with me. My husband is in Europe on business. All of my children are in college (probably getting drunk at greek parties) and I here I sit, with my martini and my computer.
Don't do it. Hang on to yourselves. Hang on to each other. Again, you deserve it!
Bravo, Melissa, Bravo!

[loribo]

:) Melissa, you're just so NORMAL, and I love it. You haven't given over everything that is 'Melissa' to everything that is 'Mom'. My kids are 13 and 10 and I live across the continent from you, or I'd be inviting myself to playdate with you (I'll bring the shaker!).

[Mocha]

Good stuff there, Sexy Hair.

In fact, I was thinking about how the Europeans handle their alcohol (very well, thankyouverymuch) and doing so around children who learn how to healthily drink in moderation. I used to keep everything out of the house until I realized that I wanted to portray healthy drinking to the children. They've yet to see me stumbling around the kitchen.

Unless it's me on the prowl to find an Amber Bock ale.

[superblondgirl]

Great hair, I love it! And yeah, I have to say that I grew up with a father who drank. In moderation. And even let me have sips. And you know what? Now I drink. In moderation. And sometimes I let my son have a sip of beer. And neither of us have died of it yet. And I bet someday he, too, will drink in moderation. Every big drinker I know was either taught that alcohol is the tool of the devil and don't touch it, or was a child of an alcoholic. Moderate social drinkers breed same, and I think it's totally healthy.

[Kim E]

We could totally be friends. It is because of red wine that I haven't sold my children on the side of the road.

A side note: I am totally loving the irony of your ad service picking up on all the alcohol references in your post and putting a huge banner for Kahlua on your site.

[Torrie]

A) My parents exposed me to drinking and talked to me about things like sex.
I was the only one of my friends who didn't drink in high school(and still to this day at age 30 have never puked from drinking) and I didn't lose my virginity until I was 18 (unlike most of my friends).
The kids who were drinking, smoking and having sex were usually the kids who's parents tried to shelter them.

B) Your hair looks fabulous.

[urbangal]

Hey there, I just read the New York Time article. I love what you are doing. As a single gal with no children, it's hard to catch up with my married with kids friends. I can only hope that someone like me gets invited to one of these when my married girlfriends start their own cocktail playdates.

Pay no attention to the morality police behind the curtain! Rock on, gals.

[NicoleP]

Melissa -

You rock so much :). Your ability to be an adult AND a mom gives me the courage to have children of my own! Many of the moms that I have hung out with are brainless mommy drones that can't have a conversation outside of the confines of their children... but you! You can be yourself, evolve as a person and, oh yeah, actually have fun. Get down with your bad self. Kudos to you and your super-cute haircut!

[jenc]

My hair plans have evolved back to grow-it-long-enough-for-a-bun, congrats on your success though. My point of posting though is because I felt I needed to say "OMG if we couldn't have a drink.....omg". It's month 9 of an 18 month deployment for hubby and it took til last month before I decided I really needed to fit beer and wine into the budget. Sorry but with 4 kids, two of which aren't in school yet, I'd be flippin crazy. Which would be a much worse impression for my darlings to witness than Mommy watching the news with a glass of happy let me tell you. I'm totally of the group that thinks kids should see life, they see me waiting to drive somewhere because I have had a drink, hopefully that translates into "hey, I don't think I'll wrap my car around a tree right now" when they do start drinking. I think the poor unfortunate overly protected uninformed kids are the ones who are going to have trouble knowing how to drink and what to do when they do drink. Take that prissy moms!

[sillyme]

I give all of my new mommy girlfriends a copy of "The three Martini playdate"
If you haven't seen it, pick it up on Amazon, or at the Barnes and Noble in RO!!!

This is my favorite post so far.....by far.

[nicole_gt]

Just saw the article in the Sunday Times of London that mentions you-
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,17909-2449756,00.html
I am also a very proud Martini Mom- although in spirit of full-disclosure, I must admit to never having done a Martini playgroup. Here, we are more into the Champagne and wine. In fact, until I read your entry about how this is such an issue for some people, it never even dawned on me that it might not be a good idea to drink with the babies around. Is it because I live in France and there is such a cafe culture that no one bats an eyelash if you sit out in the sun, with a baby in one hand and a kir in the other? And really the thing is, I might have a child but I haven't had a personality transplant. My child has to fit into my life, and my life involves a glass of wine on a very regular basis. Seriously, if there had been a law stating that once you had a child, you couldn't drink, I would have been much better about remembering the Pill!

[Crouching Hamster]

Lurve the hair. Cheers.

[Sumo]

That is one sweet-ass haircut!

[Abby]

Great haircut. I had never ready your blog before the articlue but I totally agree with you! Can't take life so seriously!

[ks]

You're also not going to like the fact that sometimes? I don't like my kids and I think they're being whiney brats and I want to put them to bed at 3pm or sell them on Ebay.

That sentence basically summed up parenthood perfectly. I loved it.

It's also been my experience that the kids who go crazy with drinking/drugs when they hit college are the ones whose parents made it into this huge, awful thing that no good person did. They just didn't know how to handle it. My parents had parties and drank in front of us, and even gave us the occaisional sip of beer, while I was growing up. I think it's healthy to model good behavior, which included knowing your limits and enjoying an adult activity in moderation. I do the same with my kids. We take them to parties, one of us stays sober for the driving home, and the other will have a couple of drinks. It isn't really a big deal.

[ScatteredMom]

I enjoyed your post, Fussy. I have never been a drinker-mostly because growing up I was taught that it was an evil, evil thing that you should never do and if you do, you're going straight to Hell.

I tell ya, residual guilt sure ruins the adult fun. I can count on one hand how many times I've been in the liquor store, and I've never been drunk. Ever.

However, we were given a bottle of wine and another of Bailey's for Christmas, and we've enjoyed them immensely. No stumbling around, just the rare treat of 1 glass after a stressful day.

I have no problem with other people drinking. The only thing as a Mom that I would be more careful about is how well I know the parents who are drinking in front of the kids before I allow my son over there, because you never know.

Some people are far too judgemental.

[Denise A]

My friend Becky tuned me in to all this ridiculous hype and I (of course) have something to say about it too (better late than never, eh?)

I don't drink at playdates (nor would I drink at 4 o'clock in the afternoon) just because it makes me so. damn. tired. That's it! I wouldn't hesitate if someone wanted to drink at a playdate, I wouldn't judge them, I would just say "no thanks, but make me some coffee, 'kay?"

So, does that make me a caffeine addict? And therefore, a drug addict (don't even get me started on the evils of coffee consumption, even though I "imbibe...") Because I do love my afternoon latte.

When I was pregnant last year, I would try and take a nap at that hour. With my 4 year-old at home. She's a good enough kid (and I didn't fall asleep all that deeply--I was pregnant, remember?) that I could trust her to sit in the living room with me and color, or put on a video and let her watch something. Does that make me a bad parent?

I guess what I'm trying to say is, once you start judging someone else's parenting, where do you stop?

We all have to do what we have to do to get through the day. I love that you have brought all this up, I'm only sorry that you got roped into a cold, black-and-white argument the media is so famous for.

Oh and look! MSNBC even did a segment on one of my favoite books, The Mommy Myth, which brings this argument out into the open, too: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4163361/

How's that for irony?

[Mataopichot]

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