Crafting brought to you by Prozac.

I've been in therapy for a while now trying to figure out what's wrong with me and at the end of this latest breeze through "How Do You Feel" I realized I am, in fact, chemically depressed. This is not a shock to me, what is shocking is how I believe in medication versus vitamins and positive thinking as a way to manage depression, but still, I have spent about 9 months trying to will myself to stop being depressed.

To stop giving up on my to-do list because I just can't even imagine ever completing it. To stop feeling like every tiny event in my life is a crisis which sends me careening into obsession. To stop  spending half the day counting the hours until I could go back to bed.

I told myself B12 would help. I told myself yoga would help. I told myself to snap the fuck out of it. And voila! I continued the cycle because none of those things could ever work and so I ended up angry with myself for not being able to get a hold of everything. Anger turned inward is depression. Also really annoying.

I enjoy creating things but depression doesn't really make a lot of room for things you love. When just getting out of bed and making it until 4pm is a mammoth effort, you don't really want to go to the craft store, load up on supplies, make a huge mess and create something. Mostly you just want to get through the day without feeling overwhelmed.

In my travels for The Buzz Off I come across a lot of projects I'd like to do with or without the kids even. My bookmarks folder for Holiday Crafts/Gifts is 53 items long and over half of those come from Kiddley. I didn't get to all those projects this year because, like I said, the Get Out Of Bed task took up a lot of my time. I actually only got to one.

I started medication about a month ago. It's taken some time to feel it starting to work, but I noticed a few things were changing. When the cats knocked over the Christmas tree, I felt okay with that. When I think about listing the house in February I feel mainly hopeful and calm with a sense of certainty that one way or another we're moving.

The Dream House in The Dream Neighborhood I wanted so very badly I had begun placing my furniture in it (literally I had dreams where I was moving furniture around in the house....I have a very creative imagination) sold and I felt no sadness or total come apart. I felt almost relieved, because now selling my house isn't a race to get me to the perfect house. Now the perfect house isn't out there yet and we'll find it when the time is right.

Last night when we made little pinatas for New Year's Eve, I realized my medication had given me another thing back. We're having a party tomorrow for a bunch of kids and adults and two nights before I was able to sit down with my family to make something a little special for the kids.

I told Logan before I started medication I was in maintenance mode. The only things I could do were: Get Out Of Bed, Write, Empty The Dishwasher and Paint Trim. That was all. Life is a little drab in Maintenance Mode.

A month ago I would have planned our New Year's Eve party in two days. It would have entailed a dirty house, nothing for the kids to do and a bag of chips with a jar of Pace salsa.

Instead the house is clean, I'm cooking and baking, buying supplies a full 5 days before the event. I'm excited to make things for the kids, I lovingly wrote out fortunes for each of the kids to open inside their pinata. Logan suggested, "Don't Be Such A Douche Bag In 2007."

I resisted. My friends appreciate my sense of humor but I don't think they want to explain to Caroline what a douche bag is.

If I were opening a fortune tomorrow night I think it would say something like "Maintenance Mode Is For Suckers."

2007 is going to be great.

Comments

[Cinelady]

Wow, Melissa, I've been reading your site for almost three years now, and I have to say, this is probably my favoritest post ever. Keep raising hackles, girl. You're so much more than you allow yourself to believe.

[Carcharodonna]

Melissa, I too, have been reading your site for a number of years. I truly enjoy it. I love seeing what you and your awesome family are up to. You've inspired me to try and build relationships with girlfriends so that I have the kind of friends you talk about. I think you're absolutely right, 2007 will be great for you! We bought our house in March 2006 - we found it about a month after our "dream house" sold to a higher bidder than we were. Our agent assured us that the house was out there, and it was, at about $20k less than we had bid on the other. Good luck to you and your family on getting your dream house!
www.carcharodonna.blogspot.com

[FishyGirl]

Delurking to say that it sure is nice to hear you sounding positive and...and happy, or at least okay with okay. 2007 will be great, I'm sure of it.

[clearlydistracted]

I think falling into maintenance mode is one of the common traps of parenting young children.

Best of luck in 2007! I'm excited to read about the big move this winter/spring!

[MelanieinOrygun]

I've been reading for about a year, and this is the best post, and the best news, I've read in a long time.
I am so glad for you. So damn glad.
Also? I LOVE your new masthead! And that is a beautiful picture.

[Kymba]

A to the MEN girlfriend. I'm so glad you have found something that works for you, because painting trim is a total drag. I'm in that hell too.

And I'm totally robbing that pinata idea - I'll be sure to tell Claire I'm lifting it.

[Karianna]

Absolutely - best for 2007!

[Shan]

most definately a great entry to read. This post inspired me to register so I could comment. I feel oddly close to you because you share so much of yourself, if only I could be that courageous. I love your description of maintenance mode, I live there often.... Raising my momtini to a great 2007 for you and your loved ones! oh, and your readers too! ;)

[Pants]

I would have said, "2007 is going to be heaven" because it's 2008 that's going to be great...

[Sarah]

This is the first time I'm writing. I really appreciate your honesty in this post, and find the emotional change that you are experiencing uplifting and positive. It couldn't be more appropriate with a new year ahead of us. I also have to say that I am INCREDIBLY impressed with your craftiness. I respect any vaguely Martha Stewart-like tendencies, but am hopeless myself...L.A.Z.Y..

[Y]

Yes, it is.

Beautiful post, Melissa.

[drowninginkids]

What an inspiring post. I'm very happy for you. I can hear the happiness seeping out of your words.

Happy new year.

[kate]

Way to go, Melissa! 2007 is going to be a great year!

[Alice Bradley]

In honor of your getting out of maintenance mode, I'm drinking a 2nd glass of wine. And you know what that means--I'll be under the table in a few minutes.

2007 is going to be the best. I can feel it.

[Marnie]

And, by the way, your new header is fabulous. You rock!

[maiareads]

I too really like the new header.
Hoping the meds work for you. Know I could not do it without, been on them some 11 years and do not see a day I will go off.
Cheers to 2007!

[Lisa]

Melissa, I am so glad you reached out for the medication that will help you lead your life. I resisted it until a few months ago, and didn't know until after I took it how bad things were before, or why I (who can because I'm single without kids) was spending entire weekend days in my bed. Anyway, I don't say this to bring you down, but to tell you that the meds turned that around for me, and they're still turning it around for me all these months later. Welcome to Life, Melissa--I know you will live it well. :)

[jkopftwins]

What a wonderful post... it's so nice to finally feel (and I can say this thanks to Zoloft, BTW) "I'm *looking forward* to next year" instead of hoping simply that the next year will be less frustrating and crappy than the one just gone by. A toast to you, Melissa... you're doing great!

[zhanae]

It's the sucky thing about being chemically depressed -- that we resist the meds for so long, only to realize how bad things were and learn what "normal" feels like. Once I started meds, I constantly asked people I know, "So this is how you feel all the time? This is happy?"

Congratulations on taking steps to make things better for yourself. You deserve all the credit in the world, because it is a hard, hard thing to do. Happy 2007!

[Andie D.]

Love the new banner!

I've recently come to the conclusion that my depression is chemical. I've tried CBT up the whazoo. Meds. My shrink finally convinced me after telling me over and over again that it's the same thing as if I had diabetes and had to take meds to control it. So be it.

And Prozac? Prozac does it for you? I'm asking only because I've tried Zoloft and am inching my way up the Effexor dosage chart and still waiting to get out of maintenance mode.

Because DAMN RIGHT Maintenance Mode is for Suckers!

2007. 2007 WILL rock. It has to dammit!

[GetSheila]

BTW, LOVE the new banner!

[Bronwen]

This is a wonderful post to read. I'm so happy for you that I'm crying right now. I know how that feels - to be lifted out of depression, to see the difference between existing and living. It's a wonderful thing and I'm so glad that you're experiencing it. Have a fantastic 2007.

[Dan]

Awesome post, Melissa. Here's hoping 2007 IS great for you and your family.

We have somewhere between 50 and 70 people coming over in less than 24 hours. I don't think any amount of medication could calm my inner panic right now. . . .

[AnaBell]

How did you make the name tags? Stamps is my guess. Those are beautiful. And I'm really happy for you.

[Grace D]

Yay! Better living through chemicals!

Happy New Year, Melissa.

[ColleenS]

I'm thrilled for you!

All the best in 2007.

[Izzy]

First of all, congratulations on starting to feel better. I'm really happy for you because I understand how good that lifting of the dark, pilly blanket feels. Second, thank you for this moment of clarity. I've known for a long time that I'm not functioning at 100% capacity but it never occurred to me that I might be in "maintenance mode" which kind of sucks ass, particularly for the people who have to live with me. I am going to at least consider going back on Zoloft.

Happy New Year :)

[tikimama]

Right on, sugar!

[lightspring]

I spent 12 years in Maintenance Mode. I wish now that I had gone the medication route, but instead I left an unhappy marriage and reclaimed myself that way.

I figure, whatever gets you to feel alive, really alive, must be good. Congratulations on having the courage to take back your life.

Awesome header. Go, you.

[Kristin]

I've been on Prozac (well, its generic friend) for five years now, and the best way I know how to describe it to people is that it lets me think. It doesn't change who I am, but it instead helps me actually deal with things. It's a hard step to take and a lot of people belittle that step. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did. I'm really proud of you.

[Susie]

Wow. What a fantastic post. I'm so happy for you. Congratulations on finding your way back out of Maintenance Mode. Happy 2007 -- you've earned it!

[schmutzie]

I have been in much the same mode as you, and this post made me feel hopeful, which is incredible, because I am still recovering from the post-Christmas stress disorder thing.

Prozac, huh?

[Allyson]

I'm so glad you're feeling so much better M. I remember how good it felt when I finally accepted that I couldn't *cure* my depression/anxiety on my own. I'm off meds now, but I wouldn't hesitate to go back on them if I needed to. It just makes such an unbelievably positive difference. Thanks for sharing your story! I figure that every story shared is one more strike against the stigmas that exist, and one more chance for someone how is in maintenance mode to hear that it isn't hopeless. :)

[lynsalyns]

I've only just started to dig into your blog (I know, I AM a douchebag) and I am compelled to congratulate you. I've been on and off various drugs for depression for years and I know it is a tough battle to lose. I agree with Allyson - if we share our stories we can't lose.

You are a very, very brave and strong woman. Happy 2007.

[Tommy from Michigan]

Recently stumbled onto your blog and enjoying it. Best wishes for you and your family for a great 2007.

[maiareads]

BTW (posted last night too) if Prozac does not work for you try Effexor. Have been on it 3 years with no sexual side effects, no side effects at all, provided I take it the same time of day every day.

All the best to you and yours this year! Cheers! And hope you are enjoying your party :)

[jane]

Just a quick note to let you know I've been reading your blog since you championed the Momtini. You rock. Sorry you're feeling blue. Best wishes to you and your family.

[Bethany]

I'll take the Douche Bag fortune for myself if you don't mind. I get the humor. And the point of it.

Great post, and I am in love with the little pinata things. Must. Learn. How. To. Make. Them.

[flailingmyarms]

That was a great post. Not that a thousand people hadn't said it, but I thought I'd add my redundant comment just the same. Glad to hear you're starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and you didn't flip when the cat knocked over the tree.

[Ty]

Once you hit a stride with the medication, everything seems possible again. I felt like all I needed was, to quote myself, "some smooth sailing." I said that over and over again, but it wasn't until I finally got some little white pills that I started to find that smooth water. And the scary thing was, I was right! Two and a half months in, and I felt like I could let go of the medication. I'm going on a month without them now, and things seem back to normal. I just needed to get out of that spiral. I cannot tell you how good it feels to get out of that.

And as a side note, I had also given up crafty things, and it feels so good to be back into them. And ENJOYING them again!

I'm glad things are turning around for you.

[kaleigh]

Great post! I remember maintenance mode well...it lasted for about 2 years after my son was born, but I didn't even realize what was going on until after it was over. (I really don't remember his infancy very well compared to my daughter's).

Totally unrelated....I think I saw you at Trader Joe's in Royal Oak on Christmas Eve...was that you? (My folks live in Michigan and I was visiting.)

[Kate]

Holy crap - I'm in maintenance mode. I really hadn't realized that.

[sonnetj]

yeah drugs! yeah energy! and focus! and being able to complete tasks! and not crying when your husband forgets to take out the trash!

we deserve to be happy, even if it means supporting the evil pharmaceutical industry. yeah evil pharmaceutical industry!

[Jennifer]

You're living my life, from 15 years ago.

It gets so much better, you really should know. Or maybe I should say, you're starting to see for yourself.

2007 is going to be awesome.

Indeed.

[TeriLynn]

Well, at least skipping seeing me wasn't for nothing.