It's a playground, not a swingers convention.

People often tell you to be careful on the internet, because you never know who's reading and some unnamed very bad things will happen to you if anyone knows who you or your children are. I'm finding this attitude especially ironic this week as I am being pursued by freak-ish parents from Max's school.

It's a very long story that's not really all that entertaining. What is entertaining was earlier this week when I was standing on the playground watching the kids play and Mildly Odd Mom walks up and begins chatting with me. It was fine and I felt a little bad about not wanting to pursue a friendship with them because they creep me out so very much.

I really only thought I felt bad then, but I felt a lot worse when the Freak Dad, but let's call him Mr. Odd Name Said With Dramatic Flourish (because he does) walked up to me, his wife walked away and Mr. Odd Name Said With Dramatic Flourish put his arm around my shoulder in a side hug. I don't like hugs. I don't like hugs from people who call my home 14 times in two days. I don't like hugs from people who follow me home from school. I don't like hugs from people with excessive nose hair, long greasy hair and an odd name which is said with dramatic flourish.

I thought I was feeling pretty bad about the half-hug but then Mr. Odd Name Said With Dramatic Flourish took it one step further. "I wanted to ask you the other day but you ran away so fast [BECAUSE I AM FUCKING AFRAID OF YOU] I didn't have time. We were wondering if you'd ever want to come over by yourself. You know, no kids, no husband, so we can get to know each other. Would you like to do that? Are you interested in that? Do you think you'd want to do that?"

I tried to sound non-commital but still polite and instead sounded like I was choking. On a sentence. "I....I uh...well I'm not sure...I...we''ll...have...to.....see....or.....something."

Then the teacher opened the door, the kids went inside and I ran away.

Since that day I've decided, for this and other reasons, that this man is not picking up subtlety. His ear hair is blocking his sensor which tells him when he's scaring the shit out of people. So instead I've taken the blatantly rude approach for dealing with him. It sounds harsh, but I think I was just asked if I want to swing. While I waited for the kindergarten teacher to call my kid into class.

....

....

My girlfriends in the dream neighborhood, were invited to a cookie exchange with the women from their school this week. I, on the other hand, was invited to swing with a man with excessive nose hair and poor personal hygiene.

Gee, why did I want to move again?

Look I don't care if you're a swinger. Swing away. You're going to have to find your partner somewhere else. It's what the internet is for, not kindergarten drop off.

This is part one of Drama: Elementary School Edition because I even have a little irony for you in our next installment.

PS: I'm not the only mom on the playground he's been weird to.

PSS: The words "You have such an artistic neck" were used.

PSSS: WTF?

Comments

[lousoz]

eewwwwww.
do you think they have any idea that you run this site?

[MelissaS]

Frankly I hope they do. If I've ever wanted someone to be angry and give me the cold shoulder, this is it.

Of course if "Mr. Odd Name Said With Dramatic Flourish" turns out to be as psychotic as my bones are telling me, then I'm screwed because he's going to kill me.

[chris]

yuck. just yuck.

[ChristyD]

Oh my God that freaks me OUT to read it. I can't imagine experiencing it. What does Logan think you should do? I hope the guy gets the hint somehow.

[Corinne]

Ick to the infinite power. I'm glad it was you and not me, because I'd have looked at him in sheer horror and disgust and heavens only knows what I would have said. either that, or I woulda just crapped my pants... either way.

[MelissaS]

Logan seems to think I'm 'A Grown Up' and I can handle this myself. But I'm kind of like, "Bluh! FORGET WOMEN'S LIB!!!!! I WANT YOU TO PUNCH HIM!!!!" (He also likes to make a few jokes along the way. IE: "Hey, after you're done "Getting to Know Man With Dramatic Name", could you stop at the market and get....")

[Lisa V]

Ew. It's like a porn film from the 70's. "Hot Mom's Playground." I bet the guy has back hair.

Not that I want you to confirm that.

[midwestgrrl]

GOOH. Artistic neck? Ack ack ack ack ack ack.

[Lisa]

ewww ewww ewww ewww that is just gross

My husband would be the exact same way, make dumb jokes and tease me about it even though he knows I am creeped out to the nth degree.

Good luck, hopefully he'll get the hint somehow.

[Suebob Davis]

Good Lord. The pathetic thing is that people like this get away with going around creeping people out because we super-polite types can't say what they deserve to be told, which is "Get the fuck out of my face, you creepy loser." But no. We give them little polite half-smiles that they interpret as "I want you so bad."

I wish I had more Jerk Nerves.

[maiareads]

UGH!! I agree with Suebob.

I was once in a playground visiting with a friend while we watched our kids play. A father, also watching his kids, comes and sits at the table and chats with us. Nice enough guy. UNTIL we noticed his PENIS magically falling out of his shorts and growing very erect. Naive me wondered if he realized this as I ushered my friend to gather the kids. (My husband assures me he DID. Shiver...)

And to think his wife was probably at home, thanking her stars her husband was good enough to take little Johnny Jr to the park..

[Alice Bradley]

Did he do a boob-brush with the side hug? I'll just bet he did. God, this is making me so HOT.

[MelanieinOrygun]

I agree with you that at this point I'd just go on ahead and go with full frontal rude-ity, as in, "I'm sorry, I have all the friends I want right now. And you are invading my Personal Space (tm). Go away."

[Pants]

When Logan heard about this, he suggested that Liss respond with "Keep your fucking hands off me."

[pixie sticks]

I know everyone thinks we here in San Francisco are all crazy maniacs, but this really makes me question the shinanigans going on in the middle part of the country. On a playground?? wow. That right there? - just plain BOLD.

[Hetty]

I concur that that was his "subtle" way of asking you to swing. (Excuse me while I hurl a little ....) I also concur with Logan that "Keep your fucking hands off me" is an entirely proper response. Or if you don't want someone to overhear you using Naughty Words on a playground, use something a little more legalistic: "Hey, about the other day, when you asked me over to your house? First, if you ever, EVER touch me again, I'll take out a restraining order on you. And if you ever make another improper suggestion to me, I'll have my husband punch your lights out." (He doesn't have to know that Logan isn't very excited about doing that.) Then watch for the terrified pee puddle on the ground. Say all this in a nice quiet tone so that no one else hears, and if he has the gall to carry tales to anyone else and they come to you, you can just shake your head sadly and say, "Well, we all know Mr. Dramatic Flourish has a few problems, doesn't he?"

It can be quite exhilarating to confront someone, even for us mousy types. In Spain, while playing tourist, I once grabbed a Gypsy woman who was MUCH larger than me by the collar and shook her until she handed over my wallet, which she had just helped herself to. Afterward, I was shaking. But it showed me a side of myself I never knew about. I encourage you to take *some* sort of action ... you will feel better for it.

[siobhan41]

I've always longed to use this line Audrey Hepburn uttered in "Charade". This seems a perfect opportunity for me to live vicariously through you:

"I'm sorry. I've already all the friends I can handle, and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly find room for one more." (Ok, it is a paraphrase, but that is the gist. I believe it helps if it is delivered while you are wearing sunglasses--and actually ARE Audrey Hepburn, truth be told, but there has to be hope for us mere mortals.)

What an icky creep! Good luck!

[Jonniker]

I agree with Hetty. This is totally the type of dude you should just go off on, because this is so, so inappropriate and disgusting. Calling you? Following you home from school? Inviting you over without anyone else? That really upsets me, and I agree that he needs to be told, completely impolitely, that he can go fuck himself, his wife, and the animal of his choice, just get his goddamn hands off of you.

[andrea from the fishbowl]

The problem with schoolyard parents (and I'm one) is that you have the entire length of your child's school career to stand around with them and make small talk.

Next time he tries to touch/hug you pull way back and just say "can you please not touch me?" He should get the hint, hopefully be taken aback and not speak to you again.

If he doesn't, well, I would worry.

[merseydotes]

Who knows? Maybe he just wanted to boil you down in a tasty stew. That would be less creepy than the swinging thing. And hence the interest in the other mom's delicious-looking neck. Maybe he wanted to make 'artistic broth.'

I'm reminded of the scene in Dodgeball where grody Ben Stiller is trying to pick up Christine Taylor and she jerks her head reflexively and says, 'I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.'

[bgirl]

I have a super creepy mom from my son's school who always asks me if she can "make" me something. Apparently she's very crafty or something? Like maybe she "makes" vests out of human skin?

[Xdm]

um. Ew.
Last week I was at a cheesy lobbyist holiday party on the Hill and a 70 y.o. man started rubbing my back. I'm sort of a back rub whore, and he wasn't half bad, so I let him keep going. It was when he started to move south towards my ass that I thanked him for the drink and bolted.

You DO have an artistic neck. That's why he wants to paint you... in the nude...

[Sumo]

They are already really into you as a solo act. Do you seriously think they'll back off once they see that Logan is the other half of the deal?

Be strong! Channel that bershon girl you once were and give them the brush-off!

[beki]

Holy Shit!!! Are these people retarded? Yuckity yuck yuck!!!

[Heather Barmore]

Maybe he'll get the hint that you're not interested once you beat the hell out of him.

[jennifer]

Stab him in the eye with a fork. That shit is insane + 1.

[Amy Jo]

Um, my entire body convulsed when I read 'artistic neck.' Please do away with this man as soon as humanly possible!

[Eileen]

Eww, Eww, EWW!!!

Be as blantantly rude and you need to. This guy probably still won't understand. If that's the case I think I'd file an order with the police, but then I'm not sure he'd understand that either.

So sorry. It's just, well, eww.

[msadventures]

He sounds like someone who should be sprayed with Lysol.

Repeatedly.

[Andi]

Next time Mildly Odd Mom tries to chat you up on the playground, because it looks like he's sending her over to break the ice, just tell her "You seem like a very nice woman and I'm sure that I'd like you if I knew you better, but your husband causes me to have flashbacks to childhood traumas and I just don't think that I could ever be comfortable around him. Please don't take it personally."

Of course I once told someone, "This is entirely my issue... if you want scary you should sit in on one of my therapy sessions... I have more issues than reader's digest."

[Alisha]

Ewwwww to the nth degree. I echo what everyone else has said. But moreover . . . have you considered speaking with the school principal? I mean, if this guy is so inappropriate that he would use the schoolyard as his own personal pickup joint to find compadres for his own sexual proclivities, what else might he do? I'm NOT suggesting that all swingers are pedophiles - the level of impropriety here speaks more to his lack of personal boundaries than it does to his sexual practices - but he's crossed that invisible boundary behind which we all hope to keep our children. Just My Humble Opinion (but I do evaluate people for the need for involuntary psychiatric care for a living, and I'd see this as a huge red flag!)

[sarah]

Umm yeah...that's gonna go ahead and be super creepy...
Sometimes "having kids the same age" is NOT reason enough to befriend people.

[susies]

my skin is crawling.

[Bluesqwerl]

At least you could fork him or Lysol him. Our best married friend couple just, umm, yeah. Icky. Now every time we see them, and we must see them because Husband is child's godfather, I can't stop the scary porn from playing in my head.
Bow shicka Boww bow

[Bluesqwerl]

ACK, that sounds like we participated...NO! they just told us about their fun.

lol

[LB]

Yeeuck! From what I know about swingers (which is not that much) it should totally be consenting. My friend's dad is into that, to her eternal shame. And my mom has a friend at work and her daughter and dentist husband party with a group that takes turns watching each other's kids so they can go to sex parties, like a co-op. They think they are very responsible. I think it's pretty Fucked-Up!

Can you band with some of his other targets to freeze him out? I can see kneeing him in the balls, but it could also be provking and get them worked up. He might like a reaction either way. If you stay steady, with a "no thank you" vibe, he'll go sniffing along, I hope!

There was a mom of a friend of my son's who gave me a couple to close brush bys, ack, that creeped me out. "What's a nice way to tell someone please stop touching my boobs?" I wailed to my hubby. But then it all went away.

[jgsearls]

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

[jkopftwins]

eeeeeek.
That's really all I have to say.
Except, all other things aside: Did he actually think this approach would WORK?? On a PLAYGROUND? With KIDS around?? What the hell is his problem (and I'd say it runs deeper than his, uh, proposal).

[FlippyO]

Very politely walk up to him and hand him a small slip of paper, with the permalink url to this blog entry.

[dana]

I didn't even experience this firsthand yet I feel the need to shower. I bet he has luscious back hair. I also bet his music collection is comprised of songs with funky 70s slap bass lines. What a turn on.

[Karianna]

That makes my tummy hurt. How incredibly ikky. The only one who should enjoy that artistic neck is Logan. Or something like that.

[superblondgirl]

Oh, eeeeewww, eeeeewww, eeeeeeeeeeeeewwww! That's vile. Why the hell can't this guy take a hint? I guess your artistic neck is just driving him mad with lust, huh? I would have run home, locked all my doors, and started drinking very heavily after that. I hope you guys get to move to cookie swaps soon.

[Wordygirl]

In answer to this: "I wanted to ask you the other day but you ran away so fast ... Are you interested in that? Do you think you'd want to do that?"

Next time, just say a simple "No, thank you" and just walk away.

[Strizz]

Did you shiver with dramatic flourish after that? eeewww

[Andrew]

Ok let me first say this, I feel your pain and your fear. Not all swingers are pyscos and in fact most are very nice! My wife and I have been in the lifestyle for over 4 years and it has made our marriage a lot better. You are right though, you should not pick up partners at the playground it is simply not right! If you tell this guy "I am not interested in that, or no thanks" I think that he will leave you alone. One stereotypical thing about Swingers is that we are all freaks or that we will do anything to get laid this is simply not true and like anything there are bad apples. He may not have been even inviting you to swing but more then likely he was again just say no. One thing that I think women fail to understand weither they are talking to a single guy or turing down a swing request is they are afraid to say no, if you don't say no it is actualy worse because they guy or couple will contuine. It is hard for swingers to ask partners to join them because of our American culture being so hung up around sex. I mean how would it sound if I came up to you and said "hey you are beautiful and my wife and I would love to swing with you or have sex with you?? Its just not right. So as creepy as it may be I am sure this guy was asking you. But again, just say no and yes you are right it was the wrong place to ask to swing. Have a great one, I hope that you get the chance to see the good swingers who are really good people. By the way you would be suprised at who really is swingers.