....and then I went through a dark tunnel.....

Things have been a little awkward for the last few days and it's been a little difficult to write because of it. Last week my sister and I had some words, ironically started with a flippant Flickr comment, which exploded into a full blown deep family secret revealing, soul sucking conversation.

Flickr: Sharing pictures, sharing skeletons.

Today I decided to get out of the house (and my head) and work at the coffee shop where I'd feel a little more self concious about numbing my brain with hours and hours of Solitaire. When I walked in I ran into a friend who I decided to create new boundaries with earlier this winter. Though I hold no ill will toward her, she seems to be very angry about the new boundaries making our inevitable bumps into one another exceedingly awkward.

But it gets better. Remember my old banner referring to the Baby Eating Presbyterians?

The friend with new boundaries is friends with a woman who is a Presbyterian and apparently has a rabid hunger for the hearts of babies because when she came across my post referring to the Presbyterians and their baby eating ways, she pretty much freaked out to the point of mildly shaking when she tried to talk to me. Of course I had no idea how angry she was, I just thought she liked shaking when she talked, until our mutual friend (who now has new boundaries with me) explained it all to me. I don't typically talk to other people about their friends in unflattering terms because in general that makes a friend unhappy and/or defensive of their friendship....but then I'm not a presbyterian. They do things differently.

The Blood Thirsty Presbyterian told the Friend With New Boundaries, how evil I was and how it's a good thing we're done sending our kids to that preschool because she would make sure we weren't welcome anymore. (uh....how christian of you?) 

When it was suggested I was using sarcasm she replied that this was not sarcasm. She's right, no, it wasn't. I really do believe she eats babies. Absolutely.

So today in an effort to get away from the awkward discussion with my sister late last week, I came to the coffee shop to get some work done. I walked into Angry With The New Boundaries Friend and at her table was.....you'll never guess!?

Blood Thirsty Presbyterian!

You know what would make this story so much better? How about if my mother-in-law was at the table, with my sister-in-law and maybe Joleen and Karen were all sharing a latte at that same table. Let's see who else would make me feel awkward? How about my gynecologist?

When I wrote to a friend to incredulously tell her what was happening, she replied. "Take your shirt off if you haven't already."

Yes. That would make it more awkward. Not awkward enough? How about if I take my shirt off and walk over to hug everyone!? Awkward!

I didn't come to the coffee shop to talk about all of this. I was going to tell you all about how  I can't write anything because I'm not feeling all that creative after the awkward Skeletons In The Closet conversation with my sister.

I was also going to tell you that even my dreams are boring and uncreative lately. For the last three nights I've had the most transparent dreams, even my subconcious is feeling a little shell shocked it seems.

The first dream involved our house and neighbors who were keeping ferocious wild animals in their screened in porch. Animals like a rhinocerous and a huge lion. I was afraid to leave the house or let the kids out to play because of these wild animals threatening to eat them like the presbyterians.

In the next dream there was a mammoth snake in a tree in front of the house. It was wound all through the tree and was at least 20 feet long. Since it was 20 feet long it threatened to enter our house through any opening. I spent the dream running to the car every time we had to go anywhere, dodging the man-eating snake (it must have been presbyterian as well) and filling every opening in our house with foam and nailing windows shut.

Last night I don't remember the dream but I do remember this part very clearly. I was walking along and someone with me found a small green snake, picked it up and handed it to me. At that point the snake stuck to my hand and no amount of shaking to get it off would dislodge it. It wasn't wrapped around me or biting me, it was just plain sticky.

Holy shit Subconcious, could you be just a little more creative? Is my brain really so vacant you have to be so ridiculously obvious with the dream symbols?

These dreams seem to refer to my fear of living here, being stuck in this neighborhood, hating where we live. The snakes and man eating animals may also refer to my desire to protect my children from harm. They also may be representing the Skeleton Revealing conversation with my sister and my inability to see the conclusion of that situation at this time.

Or they could just be my mind's way of telling me to stay away from baby eating presbyterians. Which will be easy since we're not welcome.

The last part of my dream involved a pretty funny scenario where I watched the show Cops and saw my neighbor, the loud guy with the boat bigger than his house and the wife who's voice could cut tile, being arrested. He was thrown on the ground and beaten by the police while Tile Cutter tried to hold onto his leg.

Still a kind of boring dream but it was nice watching him getting beaten because I sort of want to do that myself as I listen to him revving the engine on his truck for 3 hours straight all afternoon. (Does he work? Ever?)

So there you have it, family secrets, gossip and simplistic dreams. Big fun over here.

Comments

[dana]

Is this arsehole month? Because they're crawling out of the woodwork. Those churchy folk you discussed amaze me. I wonder which side of their mouth they prefer to speak from: their right or their left.
Feel better.

[Womanwithkids]

Hope things get better. Perhaps as you walk by them you could be overtaken by an evil spirit and start cussing? They'd be torn... as christians, they should save you. As bitchy woman, they should ignore you... The dilemma!

[PinkPoppies]

I am delurking to say a friend tells me that dreaming abut your house represents dreaming about yourself/your body/your place in the world. The animals she said represent your feelings. Perhaps you have unresolved feelings on different things and the dreams are trying to tell you to deal with it. Just offering what my friends offered me years ago. And she was pretty darn close to the truth, for me that is. Perhaps for you, it isn't. Sorry your day sucked. Hope the rest of the week improves. Pink

[bgirl]

I myself live in a small community, but why the frick are you always bumping into the Awkward? Also, awkward is a funny word when you type it, as I'm sure you noticed.

[GeeseOPlenty]

Enough with the religious bigotry. Even as a joke, it's wrong to say that presbyterians eat babies. It's the episcopalians who eat babies; presbys simply pick their teeth with the bleached bones of infants.

[hello insomnia]

I hope all this talk of Blood Thirsty Presbyterian and the Friend With New Boundaries will spark your subconscious into giving you a dream in which you drop-kick these two. I know those kind of dreams always make me feel better and no IRL violence is necessary.

[ecob]

eghh screw them all. These bad days only make the brighter ones that much brighter. Your a star Melissa.

[slouching mom]

Your waking nightmare (all of these people at once in the coffee shop) strikes me as far more frightening than the snake dreams!

I would have died on.the.spot. in that coffee shop. I can't imagine how you got out of there!

I firmly believe that women never grow up from the social entanglements they studied and created in high school. There is too much gossip and innuendo, and sometimes it is about the SMALLEST things.

I am sorry. I empathize. Sympathize. Whatever.

[cagey]

I was just telling a Has No Sisters Friend THIS very morning that a relationship with a sister is like no other. No one understands me like my sister, but no one can hurt my feelings like her, either.

[TAMPA BAY IMAGES]

Great stuff! Keep it up - I'll be back for more!

jerry in tampa
JerrySpeak
www.jerrymoores.com

[lousoz]

That stinks Melissa. So sorry you're having a crap week.
The only time I've ever run into anyone was at the cell phone store. And I ran into the sister of a girl I cut out of my life in college. That was fun. At least we were polite, but it still scares me that her kid is the same age as mine and at some point they will goto school together.

[Peggasus]

Man, I'm just happy to see someone else other than us Catholics taking some heat.

And I'm also sort of, sometimes, happy that I have only brothers and sons, so I don't have to ever really deal with girls. (But I don't really mean that at all, you know. I love my friends. But my pets are all female, just for the solidarity factor. Except the dog died, so now it's just me and the cat...but still..)

If I was Freudish, you know what they say about sssssnakes, don't you?

[Lily]

"Yes. That would make it more awkward. Not awkward enough? How about if I take my shirt off and walk over to hug everyone!? Awkward!"

I love it. I thought the same thing when I read the part with your friend's response. Hugs all around!

[mcconk]

Don't let the haters get you down. Anyone who would get so angry she is shaking due to an obviously humorous web banner is wound just a little too tight to begin with. Seriously.

[AmyinMotown]

Right there with you, Peggasus. Maybe this is because I am a Catholic whose church has done things which required me to grow a thick skin about religious comments, but anyone who can't see you made the baby-eating comments in jest really needs to get over themselves. And you strike me as the kind of person who, if presented with a calm and reasoned explanation as to why something was offensive, would rectify the situation as best you could. Getting huffy and humorless solves nothing.

[marymuses]

Those poor Presbyterians, being denied their right to eat babies without others grumbling AND being born without a sense of humor or any tact. Maybe we should pray for them...

[pixie sticks]

Sounds like you've accidentally fallen into a time machine and traveled back to 2006. Fodder for the Today show perhaps?

[Crouching Hamster]

You need to move.

[Loonytick Skook]

FWIW, I'm a Presbyterian-an elder, even!-and I am absolutely on Team Melissa. Or is it Team Awkward?

Oh, and I don't eat babies. Honest. Maybe that's just a difference between their Presbytery and mine, I dunno.

Also, I don't know if I posted this sentiment before, or if I just meant to and didn't get around to it. If I did, sorry for the deja-voodoo.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

I love you Melissa! Honestly, if we lived near one another I'd totally hang out with you, if you'd let me. Then again I may come across like creepy-play-date-dad, so never mind.

But I do think you rock.

[greypattern]

Have you thought about moving?

I kid. I kid.

[LOD]

You could answer Engine Revver by standing in the front yard and yelling, "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking dreams!"

Over and over. For like an hour.

[sunnyface]

Hey Melissa, another delurker chimes in...we have some things in common that have made your blog something this bored SAHM of 3 preschoolers look forward to (crappy childhoods in metro Day-twa), thanks. Some thoughts: Your blog is better than Dooce's--stop comparing yourself to her. Those jerks, the girls in the coffee shop, are probably so jealous of you. Look what you've accomplished--quoted in The New York Times, an upcoming appearance on the Today show, you've given them so much to talk about! Try (I know it's hard) to hold your head high. And Joleen & sister, even though she's Max's friend's mother--keep her at a distance, do people really change THAT much? And if she has why hasn't she acknowledged her past sins? I'm sorry you had a knock-down with your sister. Think about NYC, and all the fun you'll have:savor it!

[mama2bna]

A voice that could cut tile...
So brilliant. We have a neighbor who's teeth my husband imagines grinding down with a crude piece of granite.

If the law of averages exists, you should be able to tune into my written existence just about the time you get things squared away and be glad that it isn't you that finally snaps, outing her closeted mother-in-law and telling her catholic father-in-law to lay off the dark skinned folks and saying, No stepdaddy dearest, you cannot call them yellow, red or brown people.

And as for the neighbors, I say you rig up a chorus of chanting lawn gnomes.

[MelissaS]

Uh...where did I say I was comparing myself to Dooce? I mostly just want to learn to enjoy bourbon like her.

The coffee shop women aren't necessarily jealous. They're mad for their own reasons and it's sort of the price I pay for living this open life. Everyone's not going to like me.

(Especially if they enjoy devouring babies.)

[Suebob Davis]

Here's my Band Camp story (this one time? at band camp?): This one time? At the gas station? The woman at the next pump was the last person I wanted to see. She was the Unwanted Roommate - the person who had moved in, unasked, with my other roommate, and pretty much camped out 24 hours a day, leading the other 2 roomies and I to kick them both out in an Ugly Incident.

So I whisper to my Idiot Ex-BF, "Let's get out of here." But he was deaf from his years as a DJ. So I ended up saying louder and louder, "Let's get out of here," until he finally understood me.

At that point, he decided to Make a Stand against me rushing him all the time. For a while I was hoping we would get out of there without being noticed, but no. When the Awful Unwanted Roommate started toward me, I leapt into the car and took off, leaving Idiot Ex-BF to quickly run over and dive in, realizing I was serious about leaving him behind.

Scene.

[maiareads]

Hoping you are almost through the tunnel. I hate fricking tunnels.

I KNOW you hate your house and want to move but bear with me when I say I love the interior of your home from what I have seen of it. It is similar to yours in that it is old and has character but your hw floors kick ass compared to mine. And the entry way to the dining room from living room so much more ornate than ours (ours has a simple coved ceiling, none of your yummy wood work.) And while we are confessing, I copied one of your house shots to my desk top as I so loved the color you used in the living room.

Not sure why I hadn't noticed it before but also grooving on your menus and reactions on the left hand side bar. I am tempted to start a blog if only to record what gets eaten around here and the reactions (always amusing). Might inspire me to cook something other than the favored 5 recipes I kick around, weekly.

See, you may be feeling hurt and battered but I think you rock :) So there.

[Jessica]

Why do the women at the coffee shop care? I don't get it. Seems to me that they focus an awful lot on others and not on themselves. Typical of people who don't truly know who they are, and so they project their crap out onto others. Much easier to be pissed of at someone else than fix yourself! Sheesh! Also -- those women in the coffee shop take things a tad too literally. Good God -- women -- get control of yourselves!

I've been reading you for a couple of years, and I have always admired and welcomed your complete openness. I don't often comment, but I always look forward to reading you. You are absolutely a real person, good points, bad points, foibles and triumphs, just like the rest of us. I heart you! (Don't worry -- I won't stalk you. At least not every day.)

[witchesforest]

melissa have you ever considered that maybe your problem is just living in the US? i know that in the US there are many good people who find sarcasm funny, or even don't find it funny but at least understand it - but there are also many others who just can't understand the whole concept.

here in australia, almost all of us understand sarcasm from a very young age. we train hard at it by making sarcastic comments to each other as often as possible. maybe your family should move to a more sarcasm friendly environment where your funniness would be truly appreciated, instead of attracting painfully serious people who are constantly getting deeply offended.

just an idea....

[roaringmommy]

Know what drives me crazy about this whole thing? People who cannot take a joke and take themselves too seriously, that's what! Why is it that so many "demoninational" people get so terriorial and worked up about everything? It gives God and church a really bad name.

[Shan]

First, big awkward hug for ya. 2007 has been mostly good so far and one good thing about families (esp baby sisters) is that the love makes it around again. This too shall pass as those smarter than us say. Let's look forward to your big trip to NY and how much fun Logan will have hiding all your spices and throwing away your gourmet marinades & sauces... love ya, but not in a creepy way...

[carosgram]

Just remind yourself that you are earning great Karma. Dealing with all these people and situations is way stressful and yet you are earning brownie points big time. By the by, one of my favorite tv shows is Semi-Homemade. She gives the best recipies for cocktails I have ever seen, a new one every week. Yummy, better than coffee when dealing with life.

[Mitzi]

Atlanta is a great place to live. Maybe you should check it out. A little southern hospitality would be good for you and the housing market is great.

[OhBlahDah]

OMG! Thank you! I laughed so hard at your stories. I am here at work, muffling my laughter so folks don't think I've lost it permanently.

Okay, sorry to laugh at your pain, but that was so damn funny -- the way you portrayed it in words. I am going to share this blog with everyone I can think of who needs a laugh.

Hang in there with the Baby Eaters. OMG -- so funny.

Now take off your shirt, and give 'em all a hug!

[Durham Jen]

Hello. Regular lurker who just went through an ungodly lengthy process and sold my first-born for the right to register and comment.

Anyhoo. I need to know what the big family secret was. Or at least a hint. Please share.

Also, I wanted to speak up for most of us Presbyterians that we don't actually eat babies. And some of us even get sarcasm. Your shaky friend doesn't represent us cool, hip, non-babyeating Presbyterians.

[littlewhiteliar]

One of my Flickr photos of Christmas 2005 had a caption that included a vaguely snarky comment about my mother's choice in wrapping paper (it's tacky). My mother has made a few return jokes on the subject, but then my brother actually sat me down for an intervention this Christmas. His words? "You need to stop talking about mom on Flickr. It's making her really self-conscious." Photo-sharing: ripping families apart for free ever since politicians totally played out the tell-all autobiography market.