High school is never all that far away.

If you were reading my journal from the summer of 1993 you would have read quite a few pages involving my angst over Sara* and her sister Mary*.

In the summer of 1993 I was working at a very fancy summer day camp at Cranbrook. This was a job I held for 4 summers total and I loved the 'work'. Back then I liked children, because at that point I didn't know that kids often need you to wipe their butts for them.

I also liked being outside all day and going canoeing with my friend Julie on our breaks and laying by the side of the pool for an hour while our campers got swim lessons. Also there were 'Talent Shows' where I watched Julie show all the campers how she could pick her nose with her tongue. Also about thirty 6-year-old very well-to-do white girls each week dancing to 'I Like Big Butts'. They would shake their actually quite small butts all the while looking off stage left at themselves in the mirrors lining the walls.

They really liked big butts then but I have a feeling when they were teenagers about half those girls developed eating disorders because big butts were no longer all that appealing.

But where was I. Oh yes, Sara and Mary. In the summer of 1993 I was anxious to leave the hell of high school behind but I thought when I agreed to work at the camp I could do that, even though 80% of all the other counselors at the camp were from my high school.

But I am an adult now, I thought. I don't need approval from these women anymore. Besides I'm dating the hottest guy in the world.  We drink Lambrusco on the weekends! Those girls are nothing to me anymore.

A bad high school experience leaves scars I think. I had remained quite invisible through school, carefully avoiding anyone's wrath so I wasn't scarred by bullies. I was scarred by the indifference, along with my father's suicide and you know going to a mental hospital. A-hem.

I think it wasn't high school that left me scarred, but that time in my life I was ready to leave behind and when surrounded by people who know you as "That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital", it's difficult to leave the scarred person behind to become who you want to be. Which is, actually, who I am now. Only thinner.

I was partnered with Mary a very thin and pretty blonde girl who came from a wealthy family. Mary was incredibly disappointed to be paired with Melissa Williams, you know, That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital and not with one of her many other pretty, thin and wealthy friends from our school.

So any chance Mary got, she would slip away from our group of campers leaving me to collect them from swimming or art or worse, to manage the wet pile of 6 year olds in the locker room after swimming. I put up with this clever laziness and mild disdain for me for the entire 6 week session.

Near the end of the session we had to come up with some sort of Tribe (Yes! We were tribes...I had the Tillamooks) act for the end of the year musical show. Mary was of absolutely no help and so one night while Logan and I drank Lambrusco (I was only 20! And Logan bought me Lambrusco! Which is wine for 20-somethings who should be drinking grape juice!) and I got drunk we thought how funny it would be to make the campers into little Sonny and Cher's and have them lip sync to "I got you babe."

We got brown paper bags from the market and cut them out to make little faux leather vests and we helped the kids make bands to go around their heads and I made construction paper flower for them to hold up. The kids decorated their vest and head bands and Mary laid by the pool with her friends who were not, you know, That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital.

Just before the show I was trying to help the kids learn our little act and the kids were crazy as 6 year olds tend to be. I could barely keep them under control and found myself yelling and shh shhing and getting crabby.

This is when Mary said, "It looks like you've got this under control. I'm going to head up to Lake Jonah [the pool] okay?"

And that is when, That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital pretty much lost it.

"What? Mary what the hell? Do you know I've put this entire show together. I came up with the idea, made all the costumes, brought the music, have taught the kids the whole routine and you've done NOTHING! Not a single thing except go to the pool with your friends through all of it. I could use some help!"

Mary was a very thin and pretty girl from a wealthy family and Mary didn't really like to be told what to do. So at the end of the day Mary told her older and bitchier sister Sara about our little interlude. And this is when Sara decided it was a good idea to tell all the other counselors in the camp what a bitch Melissa Williams is. It was also when Sara decided to write me a note telling me how full of shit I was and how dare I tell anyone what to do. This was when all the other counselors began ignoring me or, conversely, giving me the evil eye or, even more enjoyable, staring at me, whispering and then laughing at me.

Given my desire for the 4 years of high school to remain under the radar of scorn, this was a fresh hell I was not prepared for. Even as a 20 year old who was mature enough to drink Lambrusco on the weekends with her 25 year old boyfriend.

I didn't go back to work at Cranbrook after that summer obviously. It was clearly time for me to let go of anything related to high school and the time I was That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital. I haven't even given that time in my life all that much though until last year at Kindergarten Round Up night when I sat down and saw a familiar face.

And the face recognized me and it was Sara sitting right behind me. Oh! She looked so happy to see me! "Oh my Gosh! How are you!?" "Wow! Can you believe this!? Our kids are going to kindergarten!"

I told myself to take a deep breath and let go of high school. She probably doesn't even remember me as, you know, That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital. Probably she doesn't even remember how she made me feel like a stupid asshole at day camp that one summer 13 years ago. She had 30 friends (and I had zero) so those few weeks where I was stared at and laughed at were probably a tiny blip in her radar. Gone within weeks of the incident. And yet, for me, after remaining invisible for 4 long years, it hurt a lot.

Oh but I'm not done yet.

So we start the year and oh! There's Sara and her little boy in Max's class. I wave across the playground but have no desire to talk to her because she made me feel ostracized 13 years ago. Also, I don't want to be, you know, That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital anymore. And, though she probably has no idea, her presence is taking me right back to that place.

And then Max comes home one day and tells me John is his best friend. He LOVES him! He's SO FUNNY! John did this! And then John did that! We go to the halloween party at school and Max and John dance together and do the limbo and eat candy together and I see Sara and her husband watching with a smile and Logan and I are watching and Logan's happy Max has a good buddy and I kind of want to throw up.

Max keeps asking when John can come over. Logan asks, 'Why don't you ever invite John over?'

And I can't really answer because the answer is in my head and it's really pretty stupid. I don't want John to come over because his mother made me feel like a fool 13 years ago. I don't want to be That Girl Who's Father Committed Suicide And Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital. I don't want her to come to my home and see that I'm still not wealthy.

I know I have to talk to her and have her kid over to play and I have to grow up already. But it's amazing how someone can take you right out of the present, which is everything you ever wanted, and toss you right back to the past when you had nothing you wanted and felt ashamed of it.

[Edited to add this comment I left below:]

Her little boy is very sweet and funny and kind. The perfect kind of crazy for Max.

And if I've changed as much as I have, I can only think she's changed as much.

I'll get over it and it seems to me if we've ended up living blocks from each other (after growing up in the poor part of town vs. the nice part of town) with our boys in class together and taking a shine to each other....probably this is something I'm supposed to work through.]

[Adding also: She's not evil or mean, as much as I wasn't a freak or crazy.]

[Edited: Removing names and most identifying details. I fucked up. Again. See more here.]

Comments

[virginia]

OMG - I actually cried a little when I read this. I totally feel your pain and it took me back to a place I don't like to visit either. A couple years ago, a girl (my brother's ex-girlfriend in fact) who was horribly cruel to me through out high school found me through classmates.com and sent me a sweet little "how are you...blah blah blah" letter. I couldn't believe she had the nerve to write to me after the way she had treated me in HS - I guess she had conveniently forgotten how horrid she had been. I sent her back a letter saying that I was sure she had grown up to be a very nice woman but that I didn't think I could be chummy with her since I still held a grudge about what a bitch she was - and more. She never did write me back again. I felt like I had finally gotten a chance to tell her what I wanted to say back when I was an insecure wishy-washy teen. I think you are remarkably restrained. {{{{{Melissa}}}}}

[kristin madpony]

beautiful post. i know exactly how you feel.

[silvermine]

OMG you are amazing. I mean, I couldn't write about this stuff, for one. I'm too ashamed, even though I never even went through anything so... icky. I was ignored. No one ever went out of their way to even make me feel bad. And it was all over WAY before I was 20! Good god... I was so happy to get out of high school when I was 16. You poor thing!

Honestly, if I found her at my son's kindergarten, I would never go there. I'd probably do my best to move or send him to private school or do naything to Never Have To Go Back There. Aiieeeeee!!

Just showing up at all proves that you're doing pretty darn freaking good!

[jbeeky]

Was dropped by my group of friends for no reason. Years later I saw two of them and resisted the urge to work my graduate degree or income tax statement into the conversation. I still felt like a chiclet toothed nothing, just like that. Amazing and horrifying at the same time. And the worst part is they seemed not to remember what they had done. Ugh. I can only hope I have not left that negative an impact on others. Sorry, rambler here!

[Shyun]

Wow. Great post. It seems like the traumas from the teen-early twenty years never really go away. I would feel exactly the same way if I ran into some of the people from my past. I agree with jbeeky, can only hope no one out there remembers me for those same horrible reasons.

[Flix/Aviatrix]

It pains me to read things like this, only because I know I can imagine the depth and strength of the feelings, and I hate that for anyone, cheesy as that sounds.

I've always said Life is High School, and I mean that on several levels. One, people never really change in the sense that there are always cliques of people (though I'd like to think they get more open and welcoming as life brings everyone more empathy through experiences), and that there's always gossip, and that there are always people who want others to feel badly about themselves so that they can feel better. You (one) grow up, and yet people don't really change.

Side note: this seems to be an American phenomenon. My mom went to HS in Canada, and has no attachment to the time whatsoever. No reunions to worry about (don't have 'em), nothing.

Life is also HS for the way it haunts us.

However.

I have another theory about growing up, about families... Round One, you have no say. You're born in to the family, however bad or good, or rich or poor, or happy or sad. You can't control that. You just do the best you can, if it's a matter of survival, to get through it and get out. Or you enjoy it as long as you can before you're tossed out to become a grown-up (finally). Either way, that was only Round One. The Round One that lasts 18 years by law. Then comes the good stuff. Round Two. During which time you take everything you learned in Round One and do the very best you can. The biggest difference being that (hopefully) you picked the other starring member: Your Spouse. And with that (hopefully) favorite person in the world, you make other people to join your team who are in your likeness, if not by nature, then by nurture. And so you give them their Round One to deal with some day...

My point being that you're on Round Two now, baby! You are in control of your life, and you're not at the mercy of the Pretty Girls any more. That hotty 25-year-old? Yeah, still loves you. Still hot, too. And your kids? Pretty darn awesome. And to boot, you've got a posse all your own now to circle the wagons and beat off the wolves should it ever come to that. Sadly, there is safety in numbers (see Life Is High School).

My only other point being you already know (as is obvious from your point) that you shouldn't care what they think, but don't beat yourself up if you do. No self-defeating talk allowed. :)

Several years ago a good friend's mom starting dating again at age 58. She was as dreamy-eyed and ridiculous and stupid in her decisions as a 16 year old. So it struck us how even adults are works in progress. Forever. No matter how together it looks from the outside that people have it. Cut yourself some slack when you're just like every one else, and are still in progress.

You rock.

[chrissyg]

Ugh, this is why I moved half-way across the country after high-school and have been back only a couple of times. Melissa, you are brave -- I doubt I could have even been polite enough to say hello and fake-chuckle.

But you know... you don't have to forgive. You don't have to be her friend and should not pretend to be. Being a grown-up sucks.

[dana]

I do not talk to anyone with whom I graduated high school. My ten year reunion showed me that many of those people were still frozen at that juvenile point in time.

That being said, indifference kills. I would react the same as you. I get the feeling that you still sort of think that she has more than you, which I disagree. I also disagree that you need to "grow up" over it. Your feelings were hurt by how this woman defined her character. It's not something that you can just get over. If it were me, I'd straight up broach the issue in conversation with her, like "Remember back when we were younger? And you were a total witch to me? Yeah, NOT good times."
/my intrusive armchair psychology.
Good luck.

[BetsyGinDC]

In situations like these I think that there are 2 real courses of action that make me feel better.

Route 1 is that of the poster who was honest with the person who was mean to her. I think that this kind of honesty makes the person who was in the wrong feel uncomfortable (which is a great bonus for being brave enough to confront them). With a little luck the person will even apologize.

I think that Route 2 is a little easier though. This methods entails being super, super nice to the person, but dropping in some kind of comment about the past (like the year the event happened and the name of the camp) so that if the she didn't remember or thought that you didn't she know that you do remember and feels dumb and uncomfortable.

That said, Melissa, you have tons of fans. More than this lady and her sister will ever have. Your blog is fabulous and I'm sorry that I haven't sent you kudos earlier. You don't deserve to be confronted with bad feeling every time you see this lady and finding a way to spin in a positive light will empower you. She should be embarassed, not you because you did not do anything wrong. As far as having her son over to your house, even better revenge as he can tell his parents what a wonderful time he had and what a great mom you are.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

I was also The Girl Who Spent Time In A Mental Hospital, so I really do relate. I got a letter from the popular girls when I was in sixth grade effectively telling me that I was nothing and worthless and they would never be freinds with me.
If I my son were to become freinds with Leigh's son I think I'd move. (But I already did so I'm safe)

[angiewis]

Great post.

I don't know what I'd do if I were faced with my childhood tormenter. And I had to put up with the bitch from 2nd grade through high school. I'm glad I moved out of state.

[Judypooh]

Damn, I know how that feels. In high school there was this one girl who was my nemisis. We were part of the same group of friends. She hated me so much just for being alive basicaly and she took every opportunity to be a snarky bitch. I was so happy when HS ended and I never had to see her again.

I keep up with a few friends from HS and last year one of them FOUND my nemisis contact info and dared me to contact her (we both hated my nemisis). Because I've grown bold in the years since HS I sent her an e-mail that lead to her inviting me (and my kids) over for lunch. I went and we had a nice time, I discovered that she was a lot like me - a mom who had left HS way behind her. During our afternoon she took the time to appologize to me for being such a shit to me and admitted that she never really had a reason for it, she just was a shitty person then.

Maybe you should go talk to Karen, you might learn she was just as insecure back then as you were (we all were pretty insecure really).

[Gullebarn]

Wow. Your post really hit home. I moved across the country when I was 13 and in 8th grade. The kids at my new school were really cliquish and didn't want anything to do with someone that had a weird accent and dressed differently then they did. I became the wallflower. It really sucked.

I did get my revenge though. I left right after high school to LA, to go to music school. Fast-forward a few years and I ended up playing bass guitar in a rock/metal band that opened for some more well-known bands, and one gig was in my old hometown. It was great to have all those guys and girls in high school who wouldn't even give me the time of day, asking if I remembered them. I pretended like I didn't. They were still stuck in the high school rut, beer bellies and all.

Now I have moved back to that town to raise my family. I still run into those people now and then, but it is a non-issue. I think having my little bit of sweet revenge took the sting out a little bit.

[2jsmom]

What a post. You just took me right back to my own crappy high school experience. Thanks a lot!

A few years ago I had a former classmate (cute, tiny, cheerleader--who is, of course, still tiny and cute) approach me at a restaurant and say, "Did we graduate together?"(I was invisible in high school.) I smiled politely and said yes, but what I wanted to say was, "I don't know, did we?" The implication really pissed me off: "I'm not sure I remember you, but you obviously would know ME." Ugg..

But, Geez, having your kid buddy up to a former tormentor's, that really sucks. I'm not sure I could be the bigger person and have him in my home. Good luck.

P.S. Never could get Dutch going on the DVD/SUV issue, could we?

[merseydotes]

There are times when I feel a little bad that I moved 500 miles away from home after graduating college. But thinking about having to play nice with some of the people from my high school just because we have kids the same age...I am happy to be in a place where I don't have much history.

What did Logan say when he read this and found out the answer to why you don't want to have James over to play?

[Emily]

Beautiful post. Beautiful post. Lady you have got me all teary at work. I just recently moved back to my very small/very small minded home town. I moved back to help care for a family member, and I hate that every time i go to the gorcery store I am faced with half high school graduating classl. I was not popular, by a long shot. I was teased, bullied and tormented. I hated that town and left flipping off the entire place. Now, back, I am forced to deal with all the same bull shit. I try to rise above it, and not care. But I can not shake the shivers that go down my neck every time I see one of "them". I know we are all adults, it is just hard to shake the memories. Glad to know i am not alone. Thank you for your words.

[Lisa V]

Melissa, this is a great post. It's painful. I have a 15 year old who was recently called "creepy and weird" by one of the popular girls. I want to smash that girl. Instead I bite my tongue until it's almost chewed in two. Teenagers can sometimes be the cruelest most sadistic creatures on the planet. It's bad enough to live through it the first time. I'm sorry it's being reincarnated to visit you again.

[J P]

It's times like these that I seriously wonder how in this big, gigantic universe that the world could be so very small.

It just doesn't make any sense.

[ann]

great post, BUT, am i the only one trying to figure out what names rhyme w/"karen" & "joleen"? joleen? WTF? is there another name out there that actually rhymes w/that? it's reminding of the seinfeld episode where her name is a female body part or rhymes with one or something like that ("mulva?").

[katiebe]

Isn't it amazing how that stuff just stays with you? That is exactly why I would never want to move back to the small town where I grew up.

What a tough one. It's just friggin' Murphy's Law that the ONE kid you would prefer was not your child's best friend ends up being so. Maybe it's a phase?

[maiareads]

OH MY GAWD. What a living nightmare.

In your shoes I would either tell my son the truth ('His mom is really an evil witch in disguise who tortures other people and I would rather her son did not visit') or be brave and confront this woman. (Or hope she reads your blog.)

BITCH!

I found this post really upsetting, so sorry you are in this situation Melissa.

[chris]

Never been to any of my high school reunions either. I'd like to just erase that entire time from my memory.

When I was little I was forced to go to that hell called summer camp. None of the girls in my group liked me. Even now looking back somewhat objectively I can not imagine what I did.

But there were two girls, Alice and Hillary, who would call me "Chris Chris smells like piss" every single day. And make fun of my bathing suit and clothes. And their older sisters were the counselors and would do things like throw me in the deep end of the swimming pool even though I couldn't really swim.

It was horrible. And of course I had a crazy mother who really didn't care.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to let it go, for your own sake. I say this as someone who can't let go of a grudge. So yeah.

[Bluesqwerl]

Melissa, I won't add to the many stories, but you see that this is a shared experience. You just have to believe in Karma.

Obviously, that doesn't make it all better- but I hope it helps.

[Izzy]

Have you ever seen on daytime talk shows where they bring the bully or tormenter on the show under false pretenses and then they have the other person come out and confront them and them and tell them how their behavior has hurt them etc?

The tormenter person is always completely slackjawed. They've almost always forgotten about it and when reminded they are typically ashamed and contrite. Or if they haven't forgotten, they immediately start apologizing.

I love those...

But more to the point, this Joleen person (a really horrible name, BTW) and her sister would probably feel like total assholes were you ever to casually bring it up and call them out on their past behavior.

I'd never have either of those bitches in my house without some kind of resolution first. But that's just me. I'm not very mature, I guess.

[LB]

Oh fuck! Is James a nice kid? Maybe Logan could take the boys out to do something? Chuck E Chez or something? bowling? That way you don't hafta deal with Joleen?

I have a sweet friend who was a very popular type in high school, she says she she was a real mean, stuck up bitch, but she's 40ish now and so down to earth and compassionate. I met her as an adult but my neighbor remembered her and was amazed we were friends 'cause of what she was like back then,in her old persona she would never have liked me according to my neighbor, LOL. I also once met a woman at a wedding downtown Chicago who went to the local HS in my neighborhood. She is a zippy SanFrancisco dweller now and she's said she never comes back to this 'burb 'cause of her behavior back then.

So some people do change. Can Logan test the water?

GL!

[Alana]

Doesn't it seem like we can all relate to that? I know I can! I was the nerd in my Catholic school, where I was "lucky" enough to be with the same kids from pre-k to 8th grade. They tormented me daily, because I had an unusual name, was painfully shy and not as well-off as them, and they thought I was a snob. I was really afraid to talk to them, because I figured it would somehow get me made fun of. I would be invited to parties to help clean up, though at the time, I thought they were trying to make friends.

I made it through one year of Catholic high school with those snobs plus the ones from the other two Catholic elementary schools. I then switched to public school and re-invented myself. I haven't lived in my hometown for over 12 years, but every time I go home and visit my parents and see one of my former classmates, I avoid all eye contact and pretend like I don't know who they are. It's sad that it still haunts me.

My husband had a similar experience in Catholic school, so we made sure to move somewhere that had great public schools.

Sorry for such a long comment, but your post brought back some strong memories for me! I honestly don't know if I could have that woman in my house and feel comfortable.

[MelissaS]

Her little boy is very sweet and funny and kind. The perfect kind of crazy for Max.

And if I've changed as much as I have, I can only think she's changed as much.

I'll get over it and it seems to me if we've ended up living blocks from each other (after growing up in the poor part of town vs. the nice part of town) with our boys in class together and taking a shine to each other....probably this is something I'm supposed to work through.

[Tommy from Michigan]

I would never want to return to childhood if it meant I would have to survive adolescence again. Your last comment is the best part of all.

[superblondgirl]

Wow. That post was hard to read - and I wasn't even really tormented in high school, though I was Girl Who Spent Time in the Mental Hospital and Girl Whose Best Friend Committed Suicide, so I was definitely a weirdo. Either way, though, I (personally) couldn't have a relationship with this woman without somehow mentioning how she had made me feel all those years ago. Even if it was 50 years ago, if it made me feel like it obviously makes you feel, I would have to say something or it would eat me alive. Of course, I'm vocal and bitchy and terrible at keeping quiet, so that could be part of my problem, too.... Either way, I hope you come to some resolution that sits well with you and doesn't leave you tormented with high school demons.

[Suebob Davis]

First - by using the name Joleen, you have me singing "Joleen, joleen!!" in my head like Dolly Parton.

Second - I am incredibly jealous that you found Logan at age 20. I am 45 and am still single and confused.

Third - If I ever met Jamie Lambert (yes, that is her real name - if she gets here from google, well, hello) again, there is probably zero chance I could even be civil to her, despite 25+ years of spiritual development and life experiences. She tried to wreck me in every way she could. I could be a bit of a bitch in HS, but I never went on a concerted campaign and enlisted other people into the badness.

I know it is nutty. I am a freaking church board member. But I somehow can't forgive that one.

[MelissaS]

Okay Joleen was the best I could do.

Her name only rhymes with Joleen if you pronounce it "Jah-Lean"

And....replace the Jah with Cah.

Ta-Da.

[madame sosostris]

That sucks. Like many others who've already commented, I had my own hellish experiences during high school. One thing I realize now is that the "Me" who I am now has a lot of compassion and protectiveness toward the "Me" I was then. So for me, part of the cringing horrible feeling I get when I think of high school is certainly from feeling like I've gone back there in time, but part is a more sympathetic reaction for that 17-year-old version of me. Recently I read that book "Odd Girl Out," about the way girls act out their aggression socially rather than physically, and it was kind of helpful and therapeutic.

I don't think you need to be buddies with this woman. She was an asshole then, even if she isn't now. At the same time, there's nothing she can say or do now, as an adult, that can really harm you, because now you don't give a rat's ass what she says, and you have your own awesome friends and family. So she can just suck it! And remember, you've got the goods on her--when she was a teenager, she was a total bitch and a total asshole. AND, she had a bitch asshole for a sister. My own 2 cents is that you don't "owe" it to your son to go through something painful. There are lots of cool kids out there he can be friends with. But if you feel obligated to interact with her, maybe you can be coolly "cordial" toward her and otherwise try not to let her suck up any more of your psychic energy. She doesn't deserve it.

[merry jennifer]

Wow. You are so brave to let this all out in a public forum. Like many of your readers who commented above, this hits home for me, too. *hugs to you*

[susies]

You are being so mature to think about getting over this and moving on, even if it is for Max. My middle school tormentor now comes into my workplace occasionally on business and is always pleasant. I can barely turn around and acknowledge him. And it's a two-person office , so I'm guessing he notices. I have a physical, stomach-wrenching reaction every time I hear his name. I so want to tell him off, but in a way, I'm frozen by his presence. It is a complete transformation to the middle-school-me. It bugs the crap out of me for days that it affects me so much. How do you get past something like this? I dont' even like thinking about it.

[jnocutenames]

Your ability to describe a pain that so many of us have experienced is, in a sad way, a true gift. It makes everyone realize they are not alone, or at least are not the only one who despised that time of life. I learned this lesson at my 20 year high school reunion. Everyone felt like an asshole in high school, popular or not, although some definitely had a worse time than others. I am a huge proponent of programs for high schoolers (they are available!) which encourage senstivity and empathy for others. It's such a selfish age by nature, but it never hurts to stop trying to make others more aware of the pain they may be causing. I will print this column for my pre-teen daughter to discuss during one of our many "be kind to others" lectures. Thanks for sharing.

[Delton]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Just wanted to say glad you made it through all the crap. I've been reliving some of my High School Memories on my blog this week also. I somehow was lucky enough to find ways to fight back against some of the oppression I faced back then, but I certainly know some of what you felt.

I enjoy reading your take on things. Thanks for always putting yourself out there, saying the things that need to be said.

[GetSheila]

I thought I was the only freak who is magically transported back in time to traumatic moments from childhood and adolescence, reliving the pain and awkwardness like it was yesterday.

Thanks for being such a freak. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

[Missy]

Wow, what a topic.

I can only say that I've been there, too (minus the suicide/mental hospital bit), except, that the girl that was super mean to me ended up being ridiculously nice later on and her mother got killed by a drunk driver.

I couldn't do the "fuck you" thing. I just smiled politely and moved on. Luckily, I also live 2000+ miles away from where I grew up, so it's not really a problem for me now.

[Lori MacBlogger]

The only girls bitchier than the ones I went to high school with were the ones I went to camp with. Yet I still kept going.

Funny... in the summer of 1992 I was a junior counselor for a group of highly privileged 11 year olds - who spent three weeks practicing that song (I like Big Butts) for the annual talent show. To this day, I still know every single word.

[Rebecca]

Reading this, I'm filled with such a sense of shame-- not just shame at having never really fit in with my classmates, but at my own pathetic behavior back then. In 7th grade, I completely dropped a good friend of mine because she wasn't "cool" enough, and didn't fit in with my plans to become popular (I know, I know). I was horribly insecure at the time-- I badly needed to feel valued, and idiotically thought popularity was the way to get there-- but about four years ago (when I was 23 or 24), it really hit me what a thoughtless, hurtful thing I had done, and what a fool I'd been to throw away true friendship for superficial relationships with other people (who, you might be satisfied to know, mostly treated me like crap and in one instance sealed my feelings of worthlessness for many years after).

Anyway, a couple of months ago my best girlfriend (whom I met a couple of years later, in 9th grade, and who helped me slowly accept my true self) discovered that this girl I'd hurt now has a page on MySpace. So I sent her a big, long letter saying how sorry I was for having been such an ass to her back then, and how she'd done nothing to deserve my treatment of her-- that my rotten behavior was entirely a reflection of the type of person *I* had been in those days, not her. I wanted her to know that not only was I sorry from the bottom of my heart, but that she was and always had been a great person who'd done nothing to merit being dropped like that.

I never heard back from her.

Sucks for me, sure (I hate unresolved issues), but it's understandable-- I mean, just because I was ready to apologize, I can't expect her to be ready to forgive. She may still be grappling with issues from those days that involve the way I made her feel, and I know those things take time to work through. But I hope that one day-- even if she never contacts me to say so-- she *is* able to forgive me; not for my sake, but for hers. I myself still grapple with forgiving those who hurt *me* back in those days, and I know that it's a damn heavy weight to carry. And that's what REALLY sucks.

Anyway, all of this is just to say: Know that the Karen of today, like me, has possibly since realized what a royal boogersnot she was in her school days, and is just as appalled by it now as you were then. She may want to apologize to you in a less public place than your children's classroom area, and is just waiting for the right opportunity; you never know. Or she may be the sort to just hope you don't remember anything of those days, and will act like everything is hunky-dory. Either way, forgiving her (for your sake, not necessarily hers) is something worth striving for. As SARK once said, "There is a tremendous freedom in being the one to change. It does involve letting go of the attachments to justice, revenge, self-righteous behaviors and proving past wrongs. It also means releasing expectations that you will ever get what you think you missed out on back then or now." There is such crazy and powerful truth in this statement.

Best of luck to you, Melissa, and may you find peace in this situation... you deserve it!

[Hetty]

Oh, my ... I think you can see you've hit a nerve with a lot of us out here! As for me personally, you've taken me back to why I took summer school courses so I could graduate a year early and get the hell out of Dodge....

I have to say you're clearly a much nicer person than me. My first instinct would be to find out who Joleen's current friends are, invite them all over for tea and then drop a few choice lines such as, "Joleen? Oh, she's such a sweetheart! Wow, I've always felt so bad about her first husband leaving her high and dry like that ... you know, it was really unfair of him to get so upset about her giving him herpes, crabs, athlete's foot and gingivitis. I mean, these things just happen sometimes, right?"

Seriously, other posters may be right: she may have grown and now feel horrible about the way she treated you then. Or ... she could just be oblivious. People frequently are. In any case, I have no advice to offer, only my sympathy for being in a bit of a tough situation. But I think you'll find a solution you can live with.

[Marnie]

High School. Yeesh. Actually, Jr High was way worse for me than HS, but both of them pretty much sucked. I wasn't cool, wasn't pretty, but I was smart - the curse.

I moved between Jr Hi & HS, but have family in both places, so visit those towns often. The first 5 years out of HS I avoided like the plague seeing any of my classmates. 5-10 yrs out, I avoided, but would actually go places with my mother where I might see someone. Now, when I go back, I don't actively seek anyone out, but I definitely don't avoid it, and when I'm out I look to see if I might recognize someone.

My philosophy is that, I know how much I've changed, so I force myself to assume that they have too, until proven otherwise.

One of the bitchiest girls in high school - not particularly nice to me at any step of the way - "Ann", ended up working with my mother. Several years ago, I went with my mom to her office so she could show off my daughter to her coworkers. "Ann" was there, so I put on my biggest smile and told her how great it was to see her, even though I could name an entire list of people I'd rather have seen. Turns out we have kids the same age, who enjoy doing the same things, and we really had a great chat. There was no trace of the previous bitchiness, and she's really very nice, and loves working with my mom. I wouldn't call her a 'friend' and we don't keep in touch, but I acutally look forward to seeing her when I visit my mom's office.

Go figure.

[JenInSeattle]

Holy hannah! This is such a great post. There are obviously lots of great stories here, of perservence, and such (I've had too much red wine to drink!), so I'll just say thanks for sharing because your story is quite compelling. You rock! Really, you do!

[Anne]

Ohh. I know how that feels, just a little bit. Thanks so much for sharing this - there are a lot of people with similar experiences out here! I hope she's changed a lot - sometimes highschool is just a really bad time for the kids who are horrible to everyone else, which is no excuse, but it does mean that they're sometimes likely to be normal people later on. I do fear though, that Gina S (another rhyming pseudonym) from my school days is pretty much the same as she was then. At least, when I visit home and hide from her in the street, that's what my fear tells me.

Hang in there.

[hayesmary]

In 5th grade, my friends (led by one particularly nasty girl named Tracey) sent me a note explaining that they didn't really like me and were dropping me. And that was it - for the rest of the school year, I waited for the bus alone, ate lunch alone, and spent recess alone. In the summer between 5th and 6th grade, I was mysteriously reincluded - I never knew why and I never knew how long it would last. I wish I could say that I learned something from the experience, that I became a model of social justice and caring, but in fact I was so petrified that it would happen again that I went along with Tracey in 8th grade when she chose another girl to torment and exclude and I was silently grateful that it wasn't me. I was aware enough to be a little ashamed of myself, but my crippling self-doubt (nicely fueled by being the Girl Whose House We Don't Go To, Because Her Alcoholic Father is Passed Out on the Kitchen Floor) completely smothered my nascent urge to do the right thing.

Presumably James is also bugging his parents to invite Max over. The fact that Karen hasn't yet had Max over suggests that she does remember exactly what happened and is worried about your reaction.

[Asha Dornfest]

What an amazing story, and an amazing telling. Moving Karen out of the "evil bitch" category and into the "flawed human" category, and possibly even having a conversation with her some day...and maybe even finding out she's grown into a decent person...takes such bravery. It's easy to seek refuge in our childhood fears, and having the courage to open your mind is incredible.

[AChildIsBorn]

College (I presume the girls in question went) can be very transformative. I remember some guys from my high school who were total racists, homophobes, mysogynists, etc. etc.

Two ended up as elementary school teachers, incredibly respected, and one taught high risk kids. It's amazing how experience, being the new man/woman on campus, exposure to all kinds of people, can be life- and personality-changing.

Anyway, I can relate to your being the mental hospital girl. Though I wasn't hospitalized until my early 20s, one of the phlebotomists (SP?) was in my HS graduating class, and during my second breakdown, I was dating someone I went to HS with. At my 10-year reunion, I felt like everything knew all this stuff about me.

But yeah, man, people can take you right back, and it's so infinitely difficult to move on from that. So here's to your inherent bravery, Melissa. (Raising coffee mug.)

[jcklein]

I live 3000 miles from where I grew up...and the parents of one of girls who was so awful to me in jr high lives now live not 40 miles from here, in a town I occasionally spend time in. They have a business in that town, and a unique surname. Just one of their signs takes me back to adolescence. Ugh.

[slouching mom]

Thank you for such a moving post. My mother just went to her 50th high-school reunion. This was a huge step for her, because throughout high school she was treated like shit on the bottom of a shoe. Not only was she very overweight, but she was two years younger than the rest of her class, because she had been skipped. So she also had the audacity to be smart.
Do you know what she found at the reunion? Everyone treated her like a long-lost best friend. And she was entirely convinced that all the mean girls (er, old ladies)had no memory of their crimes. Are we so self-serving that we conveniently forget everything about ourselves that isn't pretty?

[Heather Barmore]

In middle school there was a group of girls that actually made fun of me because my parents were divorced. They also called me names, etc. And I basically hated them. I ended up being in a lot of their classes in high school because there were so few AP students in my year, so we all were grouped together. STill didn't like this group of girls especially the one girl. And then I moved 400 miles away to DC and to have a life not being called mean names and being made fun of about my parents divorce.

So! A few months ago, I'm in Urban Outfitter picking up some stuff and I look up at the front of the line and there at the front is one of the bitches who made fun of me for having divorced parents. When I proceeded to ignore her she called my name loudly in a store and began talking to me and acting like she never called me mean names and I wanted to run away and ask her why the fuck she was in MY city. But I didn't I just gave her my card and she commented on where I worked and then I walked away.

It's amazing how seeing those sorts of people brings you back to a place that you tried so hard to leave. Dude, it sucks and I feel for you.

[Spot Gurl]

Holy Crap, Batman. Awesome post. You and other posters have written everything so thoughtfully on the subject. I grew up outside of Detroit in one of the crappy suburbs (Roseville) and eventually moved a million miles away to Portland, Oregon (was surprized to read about your Tillamook tribe!) just to get away from what you and others have described. And yes, I'd love to shove my handsome husband, wonderful college degrees and nice house on the hill in some faces but hey, why bother, eh? Cheers to you, Melissa, and I hope Joleen reads your blog. I think those early offenders of meaness should be called on it even if they've "changed".

[Nichole]

Well said. I'd like to give you a hug now, but I know how that would likely turn out.

[AmyinMotown]

Sheesh, that's a horrible story. My middle school tormentor is the brother of my brother's best friend and his mom is a friend of my mom's (and she is such a sweet lady, I have no idea how she raised such an asshole). At a community thing some years ago, at a time I was thin and cute and feeling pretty good about myself, I happened to see, uh, "Pike" at a community function where we were at the same table. Mind you, we were many years out of junior high at this point. The asshole sat there and ignored me, occasionally giving one word answers to my attempts at conversation. Hello, GROW UP. I still cannot believe that. (I think Logan worked at the agency he works at--he's on the business side and you know what social winners those guys tend to be, OR NOT).

I do think it woud be amazing if you just called her on what happened way back then. I'm sure, given how nice she is now, that she's grown up and feels shitty about how she behaved. I know none of the bitches from my high school years would appproach me in a friendly way even now, so I have to figure she's learned something. Personally, I'd love to hear from the buullies who've grown to regret it why they were so awful back then.

[kel]

Wow. Amazing post. Totally riveting. You definitely have balls, for both talking about this and for actually talking to Karen.

I have to admit, I was never tormented. I was never in the "cool crowd," but I was one of those get-along-with-everyone kind of kids. However, this brings me back to when I had one act of tormenting in 4th grade. I was a good artist, so I was good at forging signatures. I wrote a note to Brenda, supposedly from our teacher, telling her something along the lines of "you smell and no one wants you here." The fact was, she did smell, and at the time I of course had no idea that anyone could live in a home different from my perfect happy family. Looking back, I'm pretty sure she had very little money and had very little parental involvement in her life. I can clearly remember the teacher finding out, her bringing Brenda over to me in tears, being yelled at, and apologizing and crying myself. I realized what a shit I was for doing that, and never did anything like it again. I wonder if Brenda remembers. I feel awful thinking about it.

Maybe you should bring it up with her. Maybe it will make you both feel better to get it out in the open. That is, unless she doesn't remember and then you might just be more pissed off...

[rhonda]

Great post.
"High school, this will be the best time of your life". Repeatedly heard that through the high school years and each time my inner voice screamed "NOOOOO".
Thank God they were wrong!

[Ophelia]

Hey! Not only was I The Girl Who Spent Time in a Mental Hospital (I went to Fox Center in Pontiac.), I also worked at Cranbrook during the summer (while I was going to Oakland University). I worked with the Cranbrook Math & Science/HUB program. You may have quit right when I started. (I was there from 1994-2000) But I remember hanging out at Lake Jonah (until they closed it!) and I remember all you summer campers running around that gorgeous campus. I was running around with all the big hormonal teenagers!

Incidentally, I got my then-fiance a job teaching at HUB there in 1995. I quit when we got pregnant in 2001 and he STILL teaches there during the summer!

I am totally with you. Reading your site is always so much like reading about my own life. But especially this post! Sheesh!!!

(Hi, Aim!)

[Peggasus]

I think we can all agree that we are (mostly) not the people we were in high school, and that we all regret some of our actions back then. Geez, we were just KIDS, and, for the most part, we have all changed for the better. I, like Kel above, got along with all the groups, and when I didn't, I just didn't give a shit whether I did or not.

I just don't see the point in trying to 'get back' (as some above have suggested) at 'Karen' after all these years. You've grown, she did say hello to you, and chances are you will have to deal with her in some way or another for the next few years, as Max and James are friends. That doesn't mean you have to be BFFs, but I, personally, would give her a chance, letting her take the lead to be nice. Then, if you feel like it, becoming more friendly. Or at least cordial.

I also wouldn't be surprised if she didn't already know who you were, as you have had some publicity in your town (and nationwide) for this blog. So, see, now YOU are one of the 'cool kids,' because blogging is the new high school.

[juliloquy]

If writing well is the best revenge (M. Kennedy), you've got it, hands down.

"Probably this is something I'm supposed to work through" sounds pretty grown up to me. Best wishes in sorting it all out.

[dandyjack]

God. You are a much bigger and better person than I. And also? Girls are mean mean little creatures.

My "best friend"/worst enemy from high school lives around the corner from me and has a son about 6 months older than Jack. Our parents are still friends.

Every time I see her I am transported to that place. That place where I am invisible and she makes sure to let me know that I am only invited to her parties because her parents made her... I call her "best friend" because that's what her parents thought we were (this is what comes of only having two jewish families in a small southern town).

I hate her and will literally go out of my way by 3 blocks to avoid her. And this was 16 years ago.

So. Not only are you cooler than "karen" and her friends, but you're way cooler than me for even being able to deal with them.

Cheers to you!

[L.]

There are people in this world who will always remind you of where you've come from, and who will always delight in dragging you back to where and what you've fought your way out of, either on purpose or not. They usually have you beat with sheer numbers -- why high school cliques continue after graduation, I don't know. But they do, social strata, nastiness and sheer bravado when it comes to rumours and gossip intact.

This post hit me between the eyes. I've been thinking a lot about high school lately because I find myself in contact with someone who is still involved with that clump of people, and as a result I'm wondering where our friendship can go because I am a different person. I'm not 17, for one. I have other friends, other experiences, a whole life that in my opinion, fully trumps who I was then. So yeah, I'd love to go get drinks. If we talk about junior year one more time though, I will run over my foot with that older woman's Rascal scooter. I know, I pluck my eyebrows now! I'm going to choke myself on this ice cube. Right now. Before the chips get here.

Melissa, as so many have said, your life and personality and wit and light far surpass anything people from your past could throw at you. Instead of adjusting to the mundane life that many people groan over after leaving high school, you've achieved so much while embracing who you were and who you are and all the lovely things you will be. Love, Maya Angelou. Or a poster with cats on it.

[MelissaToo]

I've enjoyed your blog for some time and this is the first time I've responded on it.

I can definitely relate to what you've written.
What's amazing is that some people who hurt people during their teen years (or earlier)often have no idea how they've hurt people and how those wounds can be so close to the surface.
I moved several times in high school and was quite fragile. I hope I can forget how I felt when a girl at the new school who had also moved from my hometown to this new place, insulted me by saying, "Why are you hanging around me. I DON'T LIKE YOU."
My face no longer burns when I think of that day, but I still hope she was more miserable than I was that year. That is my comfort. She may not remember it but I take comfort in the fact that miserable people often lash out at others so she must have been just as miserable.

I'd like to recommend extending an olive branch to that girl when you are ready.
I know that's a big thing to recommend, especially since I don't know you and you don't know me, but life is really short and if you both can leave adolescence in the past, you might heal easier. She might have grown up since then and deep down be sorry for what she did.

I had a road-rage "run-in" with someone who works in my building. For months we avoided each other and there was tension when we found each other in the same hallway.
I started to turn the other cheek and make peace and then soon after, she was killed in a car accident on the way to work. I never got the chance to make peace with her. I regret it now. Don't leave attempting to make peace for another day.
Let us know what happens. Thanks

P.S. I've enjoyed your remodeling stories, especially the grout from hell.

[Builder Mama]

Good God, this just brought back so many memories. Back in August, my father was critically ill and had emergency surgery, and as I was standing in the OR recovery room I kept eyeing the nurse that was attending him. Turns out she was the bitch that tried to kick my ass almost every day of my senior year of high school. And of course, when I reintroduced myself she didn't remember me at first. How is it that the people that torment us the most in our youth can't remember? Is it asshole amnesia?

I was just telling my husband last night about how things were before I moved South from NJ my junior year of high school. I was tormented by this particular guy all the time for being a "nerd" - fast forward two years later when I'm at a major university, had majorly reinvented myself, and ran into the guy in one of my classes. I then spent the next semester torturing him as he asked me out over and over again and I jerked that guy around the whole time. And was highly satisfied.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do in your shoes. I'm a huge grudge-holder and it hasn't been until the last few years that I've been able to let some old grudges go (or maybe just stop letting myself be so raw around the edges). I could sit here and say "be the bigger person", but I don't know if I could do it myself.

I think you're amazing. No matter what you decide to do with Karen, I know you'll have made the decision that is best for YOU.

[Carson]

Oh I think I may have the same first name as one of those "mean girls". I feel guilty by association. But it wasn't me. I swear I have yet to set foot in Michigan and I don't have a sister.

I went to two different highschools - switching from the first in an effort to not be so entirely and painfully invisible. At my new school I was less invisible but I also developed an eating disorder and was still totally lonely and miserable despite having some "cool friends".

Being a teenage girl was more often than not just plain awful. I never felt like I was "enough"... not thin enough, pretty enough, cool enough, wealthy enough, smart enough... just never enough. I would not go through that time again for love or money.

Saying that I do think that I learned a lot from the teenaged suffering - it certainly molded me into the person I am now and most days now I feel like I am a more than "good enough" person, mother, daughter, friend, employee. Though I doubt I will ever be "thin enough" to erradicate that nagging insecurity.

I wonder if the cool girls, for whom highschool wasn't one long hellish lesson, have also learned the same painful though valuable lessons the less cool, invisible girls learned. Or perhaps it was hell for them too and they were just better actors. Who knows? Maybe if you get to know the "mean girl" from your past you will be able to answer that question.

Anyhow Melissa, metaphorically speaking, if the internet is a highschool it seems to me you are one of the really cool kids now.

[maiareads]

Coleen ;)

[Kristin]

Hi there, long time lurker. Your post really hit home with me. I was tormented in junior high by a couple of girls, and never understood why. This was at the same time that my mother was dying of breast cancer, so it was not exactly a shiny happy experience. Anyway, years later I found out that one of the girls who was such a bitch in junior high was divorced, living in her parents' basement with her kids, and out of work. So karma sometimes does come around to kick those assholes down.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I think your blog is wonderful, and that I don't think you have any obligation to be nice to "Karen" and pretend that nothing ever happened, unless she decides to be an adult and apologize for what happened.

[carosgram]

This post really got me thinking. How would I handle a situation like this one? How will it effect my child? Why is life so unfair? Why did my child have to like her child? Why is her child so nice (it can't be genetic). Do I have to be nice to her? How would I explain why I don't want to get close to her and do family things even though I don't mind that the kids like each other? Then I remembered a conversation I had when my kids were young. We were riding in the car and they asked if they could take tap dancing lessons. I hate tap dancing (except in movies). I told them "NO". Of course they wanted to know why and I told them the truth. "I have an irrational prejudice against tap dancing". You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you don't want to do things with 'Karen'. It is just an irrational feeling. In reality we don't like people because they are worthy, nor dislike people because they aren't. (though you have lots of reasons for not wanting to be near her)There is no rhyme or reason for why we feel sympatico with some people and not with others. It just is. Let the kids do and don't feel any need to get together with Karen. Best wishes to a great lady!

[ericka]

great post. i think most women can relate to you on some level because i know i sure as hell can. however, i wanted to point out the fact that you used to drink lambrusco. i, too, used to drink wine such as lambrusco, but mine was mad dog 20/20...mixed with sprite. who didnt drink boones or md 20/20 or anything of the like, back in the day? anywho, props on your post. been lurking your site for about 2 years now and always have and always will be a fan. keep it coming!