I can't post my thoughts until I drop the "What the fuck's?" from the dialogue.

It's difficult to write about this topic and how I think NBC is a bunch of moronic clods while still expressing how thankful I am to have had the opportunity to appear on the show.

The politically correct thing would be to dismiss my own feelings on the topic and simply smile and say the piece was fair and balanced to make sure my book sells well. A-hem. But we all know that smiling and keeping my gigantic gob shut is not my forte.

I'm going to sleep on the irritation for one more night and then, I'm letting loose.

Here's a fun conversation from last night.

Logan: "Hey it's 6! Do you want me to mix you a cocktail?"

Me: "Oh, no....the kids are here! We can't. Oh wait, you can because you have a penis. A penis which must have an extra liver in it which makes you capable of metabolizing alcohol. I, on the other hand, can't be trusted."

Logan: "No baby, it's okay! I'm here, I'll make sure you're under control. I know women can't be trusted. Me and my auxillary liver will keep you in control."

Comments

[Kyran]

it wasn't fair and balanced. it was asinine. it really came home to me how asinine, as I was pouring a glass of sauvignon blanc last night for myself and a girlfriend who was dropping her son over for a sleepover. for the very first time it occured to me that there are people who would find that objectionable.

so I drank the whole bottle.

just kidding. don't let sales/popularity/traffic keep you from standing by your convictions. you don't want those kinds of disciples.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

Your appearance there was a perfect example of why blogs exist. Because the mainstream media always gets it wrong.

[The Metamorph]

Politically correctness is overrated. Someone's gotta tell it like it is, or the terrorists win!

Or something.

I think part of the reason people admire you so much - and the reason why you ended up appearing on the show - is because you don't shut your gob. So let loose! :)

[pnuts mama]

melissa, my respect for you is inspired in part by the fact that you keep your integrity and speak up for the rest of us when it would be so much easier to quiet down and be the good little woman. you keep saying WTF and we'll be right there with you.

i thought of you last night while i opened my 2nd beer after dinner- thank goodness i had some people with auxillary livers here to keep me under control as well! as if i couldn't drink most men under the table. as if.

[sarahtk]

Long time reader who loves your site, loves your honesty, your writing. I think you do so much to knock down the "perfect mother" myth that no one lives up to and yet everyone seems to expect others to live up to.

And yet, these last posts (and responses) have been bothering me, and I'm trying to put my finger on it. I hope I don't get too flamed, because I really mean this in the spirit of openness, but I think it has to do with the whole "Mommy Wars" thing that the show played into, and that is being perpetuated here.

The idea that women who make different parenting choices are incompatible or that they MUST have fundamentally different value systems (whether it be about having a drink, staying at home or working, nursing or formula, etc) is total bullshit. We live in a society in which women get pitted against women all the time, and we all buy into it way too easily. It's lucky for the status quo, though--All the in-fighting amongst women just continues to reinforce it. A world where women are their own worst enemies makes them less threatening elsewhere, I guess.

Obviously the show had an agenda. But was the babysitting question really that bad? I can't be the only who hesitated at it? I think a question that makes you think harder about why you do what you do is a great opportunity. I think it's perfectly okay to have a drink when I'm watching my kids. It wouldn't be okay for a babysitter. Why? Can I articulate that intelligently? I don't know.

I do know, however, that I've felt frustrated by the degree to which the response here has been it's own kind of mudslinging, a big wall-building exercise that perpetuates the myth that women who choose differently are fundamentally opposed.

[Melissa Note: I agree with you actually. It was not relayed to me that I was there to 'go up against' the tee totalling psychiatrist (and host). It was relayed that we were there to discuss moms being adults while also being mothers. Making choices. It was always my intent to say :I do this, you don't have to and if you don't want to and think I'm 'bad' for it? Then we won't be friends." The way they played the set up segment made it clear that the angle was "It's the Drinkers against the Lame-O's" Ugh...I have to write this all out clearly. I appreciate your thoughts and understand what you're saying.]

[Judesmommy]

I've just viewed The Today Show's clip and I have to tell you that you were articulate, you were brilliant, you stood your ground in the face of people around you with judgemental and superior attitudes. I'm proud to have you represent me as a mom. Thank you for your bravery.

[metalmeredith]

I am just pleased as pie that now while I read your blog, I can re-enact what it looks like when your eyes roll back into your head.

Could you see outside the window behind you while you were talking to Meredith Viera?

I think you are the bee's knees.

[J.]

I went and watched that whole debacle, courtesy of Izzy.
Good for you for standing up! Hell, they made it sound like we were all a bunch of drunks who couldn't be trusted to raise our children.
I'm waiting for the burning at the stake.
*wink*

[Kyran]

I don't want to bash Janet. But it was very obvious that she was thinking about her future as a talk show talking head, and was not going to stray from the script.

I thought the author in the backyard video was doing the same thing.

You kept it very real, and good thing, 'cause otherwise we'd have to remix the whole clip, with the David Bowie number from Extras:

Little drunk mom who sold her soul,
Little drunk mom who sold her dream...

;-)

p.s. I agree with the commenter above about not letting the cheerleading veer off the defense into offense.

[KristiV]

Sarahtk,
The reason it is not OK for a babysitter to have a drink while watching kids is because they are working. I don't get to drink at work and a babysitter shouldn't, either. Also, Melissa has stated before on here that she doesn't have any problem with moms who do not drink at playgroup. I don't think there has been any "mudslinging" against women who don't drink at playgroup, only those who judge mothers that do. That's just my 2 cents.

Melissa,
You were wonderful on the show and your looked fabulous in those boots!

[Melissa Note: The babysitter question was only seriously annoying to me because it equates stay at home mothers to a paid worker. That's bull shit and Meredith should know that as a co founder of Club Mom for the love of God. I do lots of things I wouldn't want my paid babysitter doing. My laundry, showering while here, browsing the internet, having sex. I do all those things in my home with my kids around. Should I stop all of that Meredith?]

[ETB]

The fundamental problem with the segment was that it boiled down to one question: Can Mommies be trusted to drink a glass of wine or two and moderate their own behavior when Daddies are not around.

The segment wasn't about whether it's OK to drink wine at the dinner table, or get a cooler of beer for a Superbowl party or any other zillions of other common scenarios in which children have the opportunity to witness their parents' consuming alcohol.

It was about whether Mommies can be trusted when they're not being watched. Much in the same way you might wonder whether your babysitter can be trusted when she or he is not being watched.

And it was clear from the editing of the produced piece (here, kid, let me film you through this empty wine bottle while your mom is probably off puking in the azaleas) and from the interview questions that the Today Show believes the answer is No.

[Melissa Note: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's making me insane. It's so misogynistic it has gotten seriously under my skin.]

[Sherry]

I get so agitated by this topic that I had to write about today just to keep my head from exploding.

The nice thing about blogging is that I can sit and compose my thoughts and then type them. I think I would have gotten really flustered by the obvious slant of the questions and I admire that you were so calm and collected.

[liz]

That was a completely asinine interview. I always kind of liked Meredith but not any more. The reason a mom can drink around her kids is that she's living her life and her kids are part of it as opposed to a baby sitter who is doing a job. I've been a stay at home mom for 17 years and I can't tell you how many margaritas I've had in the company of my mommy friends. Am I not supposed to have a cocktail for 17 years? That's crazy. I have a drink with dinner at home maybe 4 nights out of 7. Am I not supposed to do that either? I didn't realize that my life should revolve around being ready to take one of my kids to the hospital in case of emergency. That's why they have ambulances, although I haven't been too drunk to drive since college.

[jbeeky]

Phew. At least I now know why men are so obsessed with thier penises. The liver, the liver. Thank God we hysterical female types have these phallic masters to keep us in line. Now, can someone loosen up this corset before I need vapors?

[marian]

'What the fuck?' was exactly what I kept saying when watching that clip. I don't think I could have gotten through that interview with the little miss perfect psychologist sitting there playing the good girl without using the word 'bullshit' at least once, or getting all up in their faces. Jesus Christ. That was disgusting.

As I commented on jenijen's blog, if this were france they'd laugh you off the stage for being such a tightass prude that you think one glass of wine does anything but make life better.

[atlantamom]

Hi Melissa,

I've been reading your blog since your blurb in the NY Times and really looked forward to your appearance on the Today Show. Wow, what a setup. If these anchors were as rough on politicians as they were on you,we probably would be out of Iraq by now! But don't get me started on politics. I'm the only democrat within 100 miles of where I live(suburbs of Atlanta,home of the Mcmansions.)Anyway, I felt your nervousness through the screen or maybe it was shock that this wasn't how Moms re-group and relax but how awful our parenting skills are. Puritanical bullshit is what it is. French children are taught as toddlers to sit quietly at cafes for hours while their parents drink wine and discuss things other than their children! And don't get me started on the dads! If a Dad takes his son to a sporting event and has a few beers he's looked at as a hero for spending quality time with his kids!I grew up in the late 60's,early 70's when all my parents did was get together with their friends and drink and smoke. There were no trendy restraunts to enjoy and they couldn't afford a babysitter every weekend. They had huge parties and put all the kids in one room with a little tv. I guess that would be considered abuse these days. This all boils down to the fact that we have become a child-centered society and have lost our identity as adults. I started on that track with my twins and fell into a deep depresssion. When they turned two, I said enough. No more kiddy music in my car or separate meals for finnicky eaters. Play time was outside and at 5:00 that included a glass of wine with my friends. I have great memories of sitting in the back yard with my friends talking and watching our kids amuse themselves and not depend on us for their entertainment. We had potluck dinners and cocktails too. I wouldn't trade that for the world. Now my twins are 9 and I don't need those playdates anymore. My kids do their homework and then run out hte door to meet their friends. Now I enjoy time to myself and looking forward to a 2nd career. I'm living proof that those cocktail playgroups didn't damage me or my children!

[Heather]

Here via Izzy, and haven't watched the interview yet (because watching it would likely end in me being angry and throwing stuff and we just got nice things so I'll refrain). Add my childhood to the VERY long list of ones where my parents drank in front of me, and it taught me important things like drinking responsibly, in moderation, and that drinking was something adults did.

If I lived closer I'd be happy to buy you a margarita.

[Melissa]

I have to start by saying that I have no children, but after living in Australia for the past year + (I am an American) I can say that the US mainstream media's tension on alcohol is totally overdone. To the point where I wanted to smack both Meredith and the so called 'expert', Janet over the head with my laptop (Those were some slammin' boots, btw}. The political correct-ness gave me a migraine and their self-righteous attitudes made my blood boil. Of course, people drink to relax! Of course, you wouldn't want someone that you are paying to watch your children to imbibe. And for GOD's SAKE - 1 or 2 drinks does not make you a lush!

There is definitely a more European attitude towards alcohol in Australia and I can tell you that no one would give this whole 'controversy' a second thought. The world is NOT going to end if Mommy has a drink during a playdate. I lost all respect for Meredith and her producers. The questions were leading and judgmental and you acted with grace under fire.

You just KNOW that the 'perfect' mommies that protest the loudest about this are the ones that are tossing back pills like candy and drinking themselves into a stupor in secret after their 'perfect' kids are put to bed.

Everything in moderation, for chrissakes. If anyone else gives you grief, tell them that you would rather be a whore than a Madonna, then tell them to fuck off. Then have a drink for me. I know that when I have children, I will.

[ThisMom]

I agree, being politically correct is way overrated. And the whole Mommy Wars thing? So over it.

[Womanwithkids]

Seriously? I propose a toast to Meredith:

May your playdates be a never ending series of temper tantrums, leaky diapers and runny noses.

Cheers.

Melissa, you rocked. And? When she compared you with a babysitter, you get extra points for not throwing a martini on her head.

[Nancy King]

Morning shows never allow enough time for any kind of real debate on any topic...just enough to cause more questions and controversy. Heck, they didn't spend enough time on the right fit for jeans to solve my issues. Is the question really at what time of day that these play dates take place? When did getting together in the afternoon, with other parents and kids and having a couple of drinks become an issue? You're right Melissa, the absence of Dad's at these get togethers is the unspoken ingredient that makes it controversial.

You were great, you held your own with little time to really do the topic any justice. Maybe MacNeil/Lehrer Newshour will decide to take this up... That would be cool!

[sailboffin]

That sounds rough. Maybe you should stop off here for a quick one to calm down... http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,,21128025-5006007,00.html

[G]

Hi Melissa, I'm new to this and to your site, directed from Fussy. I did see the video and thought you did a great job. May I suggest that this truly is not an issue, though? We're all adults. We can all choose whether to drink and how much, and if we drive home, etc. Viera looks like an idiot for making a big deal out of this. It really isn't. You don't need to stand up for anyone's rights here, because we already have them. Viera and her troops won't be making it illegal for us to drink (or not drink, for that matter) at our playdates, don't worry. You haven't made a fool out of yourself; she has, by giving this "topic" the bright lights of television.

Best of luck to you!

[Melissa's Note: You're right. I guess I don't like the attitude which pervades so many issues in motherhood. I think it's worth pointing out. Or I could go back to writing about poop I guess.]

[IzzyMom]

I'm not sure how much you've read around the blogosphere but suffice it to say, the general consensus it that the piece was anything BUT fair and balanced. I wrote a post on my own blog about the show and my opinions on the whole thing so I won't belabor the points again here. Just wanted to say that all things considered, you did well and I'm proud of you for not caving in to their bullshit.

[slouching mom]

We really haven't come very far in the last century, have we? In the 1940's, psychiatrists suggested that children who became schizophrenic or autistic did so because they had 'schizophrenogenic' or 'refrigerator' mothers. In the first case, mothers who were alienating caused psychosis in their kids. In the second, mothers' coldness towards their kids caused autism. Never was any mention made of fathers' input.

The Today show simply perpetuated this kind of thinking, though in a really oversimplified way. If mom has a drink around her children, and her children turn out badly (either by becoming delinquents or mentally ill), then surely it is because mom had that drink.

It is so much easier for people to engage in "mother blame" than to address the REAL reasons why kids may turn out badly -- society plays a role, but also genetics, which tend to be swept under the rug because they're not so easy to change.

So mothers in this country continue to be damned if they do and damned if they don't. It's a national disgrace. Someone needs to air this dirty laundry.

[Julie Pippert]

Just out of curiosity...what was Janet's point about how you were dressed?

Who cares if you wore skinny jeans and boots or painter's loose pants and a muu muu?

She wrote, "These women wore makeup, they were back in their skinny jeans..."

Let me see if I have this straight...

How is it that the Perfect Mom Goes?

(All my other points are already eloquently made or blogged. :) )

[Annika]

Hi! I'm new. I like talking about poop as much as the next person (maybe more) but I also think it's important to talk about things like this. Holding mothers to a higher standard is all well and good, except that it sucks. My son wears cloth diapers, nurses, and sleeps in the family bed. I have an opinion on these things, but I would never use my platform (um, if I had one) to single out and humiliate someone who feels differently than I do. I am totally disgusted by the sort of ganging up that happens on shows like Today (I have seen it on just about every talk show and no longer watch television at all except on DVD). I'm sorry that you were misled about the nature of the segment. I think you were wonderfully composed and articulate. I'm sure I would not have been under such circumstances.

[Kate]

Those teevee ladies are a real couple of prudes. Eff them.

[KBMom]

I don't even drink, and this has me fired up. Where is the uproar when a dad has a beer when he takes his son to a football/baseball/hockey/etc game? That's just a great dad bonding with his child, right? Where is the uproar over men having a drink after they come home from work? Are they not parenting then, too? Or even the family that goes out to dinner on a weekend and the parents order wine? Can we NEVER have a drink in front of our children? In a society that allows adults to drink, shouldn't we be able to model appropriate, responsible drinking for our children? Or are we required to model abstinence?

[rahree]

I watched the segment. I am married, no kids yet but I have 10 years of teaching school behind me, so I have a eentsy-weentsy idea of the resources and amazing strength it takes to parent a child, and am looking forward to trying it in the pretty-near future.

And I have to say: drink up!

First off, being with kids all day is rewarding, but is hard work. If your kids see you socializing with friends, see you enjoying any kind of beverage responsibly, then you're doing right by them - modeling appropriate behavior and giving them a social context.
AND What works for one person, child or adult, may not work for other. C'est la vie - no one gets to dictate how another runs her life or family.

I applaud you. You rock! Thanks for providing a great role model for those of us who are thinking about wading into the baby pool without losing our identity.

[jenp]

I guess I was naive enough to think that they would run through the prospective questions with you before being on air. If this totally came out of left field, even more kudos to you for keeping your cool.

[Suburban Kamikaze]

"Dr. Janet Taylor, whose recent appearance on the Today Show capped a thoughtful discussion of the ways in which women have failed to completely sublimate themselves to the demands of parenting, said she was not prepared to completely condemn the practice of playgroup burlesque."

See "Taking It All Off in Peoria"
www.suburbankamikaze.typepad.com

[Andrea]

I cannot believe I am commenting again but I can complete understand your frustration. I knew that I would miss your segment live so shortly after I arrived at work, I went online and watched the video. I immediately concluded that the segment was biased. I think you did a fabulous job handling the situation in an intelligent and humorous manner. It seems like no matter what a woman does as a mother, she is criticized. If she is a SAHM, her role as a mother and work she does is invalidated. If she elects to work, she is selfish and a bad mother for not staying home to care for her children.

Again, great job!

[Jet Pass]

I did see the segment and was thinking when I was watching it...where do I know you from--here obviously.

I thought that the babysitting question was a good one actually.

I notice that everyone who has commented here is very anti-Meredith and the dr. and pro you. I would like to believe that you're open to both pro's and cons.

I have to say that you do talk about drinking a lot on your blog. You've got tons of pictures of you drinking and it appears that at all functions you must have a drink, or two or three. I have to ask the question and I'm being serious here. Do you think you have a drinking problem? Does your depression case you to drink? Is this why the interview set you off so vehemently?

[Real Susie]

I just had to say that the editing of the playgroup segment was unbelievable. As a previous commenter noted - angling the camera behind the wine glass, showing the child looking at their mother drinking, the camera making the moms look like they were reeling. All we needed is a mother to pass out in the sandbox and it would have been an after-school special.

[The Metamorph]

Jet Pass -

As I said on my own blog, a real mother knows the difference between a stay at home mom and a babysiotter and doesn't need to ask.

And when you ask those last questions of Melissa, you're asking that question of all the people who agree with her. Drinking alocohol, talking/writing about alcohol, and being photographed drinking alcohol don't make someone an alcoholic. Come on, let's get with 2007 already. And yeah, I'm being serious here.

[mrsjcatalano]

I cannot tell you how this "controversy" has me fired up. I'm not a mother, or even a big drinker really, but I am so saddened by the judgment that Today clearly brought to that piece. It ranged from thinly-veiled to blatant, and I find it offensive as a viewer that I was hardly given the opportunity to make up my own mind about the subject before having it force-fed to me by two mothers themselves.

You and the other like-minded interviewees were clearly not opposed to NOT drinking; not once did I hear that you feel you cannot be social adults WITHOUT a drink. What's really bothering me, though, is the babysitter comment. A childcare provider's responsibility to the family starts and ends at certain times of the day. A parent's obviously does not, and therefore the ability to enjoy something on an adult level cannot be restricted to the times when a child is not present. It's just pathetic to see not only other women but mothers themselves place this stigma on something that ties you to friends in a period of your life that can be so isolating.

Cheers Melissa. I love you for this. I'm sipping one for you right now. [DEAR MEREDITH: It's ONLY BECAUSE there is a sober man in the house to protect me from harming myself and others.]

[leahss]

All those shows make me uncomfortable because they just pit people against one another. It's usually the loudest person wins. And I turn off the tv. But for you I watched the whole thing. You were great to agree to appear; and you did a stupendous job. When MV asked about the babysitter, I would've stammered until the end of the segment, but you were so cool.

So glad (some) moms in MI can keep it in perspective.
You've got a friend in Ann Arbor -
Leah

[merseydotes]

I think atlantamom has a very good point. Dr. Janet (and others who seem to be anti-drinking during playdates) seem to think that if you have a child, that child should always be at the center of your world and the only factor in all your decisions. Every choice you make should boil down to whether or not it's BEST for your child - not acceptable for child, not value-neutral for your child, not merely good for your child. You should always been doing the thing that is 100% (or as close to 100% as you can get) in the best interests of your children. And if you don't, then it's a problem. It's not healthy. You're a problem. You're not healthy.

I really think so much of this mommywars bullshit can be boiled down to that - there are women in this country who believe in their heart of hearts that formula is not good enough because breastmilk is BEST, that working outside the home is not good enough because being with your children all the time is BEST, that having one drink around your kids is not good enough because having no drinks is BEST. For these people, 'good enough' choices are not good enough.

I firmly believe that a happy mom = a happy home and happy children, and (within reason) moms should be empowered to make choices that make them happy - without being judged, labeled, frowned upon, ostracized, put on the defensive, set up on the Today Show, etc.

I also believe that, as any good financial planner or flight attendant will tell you, you must take care of yourself before you attempt to take care of your children. Ie, you have to put your own health and wellbeing first because then you wlll be in a position to take care of your children. That means, sometime's moms' needs weigh in the decision-making more than their children's needs. If a mom needs to feel just a little relaxed, carefree, spontaneous, wild, etc, to keep her mentally and emotionally on her A-game and having a little wine with friends meets her needs, then I just don't see why anyone should care. Again, I'm talking about reasonable needs here - clearly things like a mom needing to feed her drug addiction or other unhealthy behavior cannot really be justified.

Although Dr. Janet said a couple of times in a couple of different ways that she doesn't believe that one glass of wine with friends is healthy - she said that it impaired 'focus' and ability, and she also implied that it was an emotionally unhealthy way of dealing with stress and loneliness. So I guess I don't know what to say to that other than, 'No, it's not.' I feel like Dr. Janet and I could do an oldschool Even Stephen all day on that point ('Yes!' 'No!' 'Yes!' 'No!' 'Yeeeeessss!).

[maiareads]

AND, not only should you not have that cocktail in the childrens presence but you should be the one whipping it up for dear husband while he relaxes in the lazy boy smoking his pipe. You alone, slaving in the kitchen of course.

[~A~]

You can come drink with my friends and I. We're thinking of hiding in the closet from now on. :)

[Dana]

You know what I don't get? Didn't Meredith's ClubMom fly you out to CA to discuss the site's inception? I don't get why she came at you with fangs bared (unless you got drunk while babysitting her kids) and especially knowing that so many mothers who blog would be watching. I haven't even had any liquor today and yet I feel drunk trying to reason that all out. Maybe I am drunk. Gah! And on a Sunday! Get those Presbyterians to save my soul.

[H]

Ah hah! The extra liver! So THAT'S why they weren't interviewing dads drinking beer at the Chuck E Cheese in Canton!

[babs]

I haven't had a chance to comment yet, and say, you looked so freakin awesome on TV! I think you presented your side so well... and I absolutely hate how judgemental women are about each other. I mean, ONE drink, please! You rock.

If you're ever down in Austin, I'd love to have a playdate with you... um, if only I were lucky enough to have kids. :)

[midwestgrrl]

Last week I went to a pub with co-workers after a meeting. It was early afternoon, maybe 4pm, and behind us was a table of women and their babies. Some of the women were drinking NA beer (gooh) but some had a glass of wine or actual beer. Just talking and socializing and YES, attending to their children in a responsible manner.

I have to say, I didn't even think twice about it. I suppose because when I go out, I know how much I can drink based on whether I am driving or if I have eaten or whatever. I imagine this ability to reason does not disappear after childbirth.

WTF indeed, Today Show.

Hmm I had a few glasses of wine tonight...maybe I should ask my boyfriend if I am allowed to leave this comment? Please help me.

[patti]

I guess I'm still not seeing what the big deal is here.

Were you not invited to go on national television to discuss your point of view for the very reason that it *does* controversy among some people?

While it appears obvious to me from reading all of your comments that the majority of people agree with you, it will always remain that there will be those who simply do not.

You were presented with an opposing point of view and you handled it with style and grace. You were heard and your voice resonated with many - obviously.

This whole "moms drinking" is nothing new --it's been going on forever. The only difference now is that our society has become so politically correct (and, in this case, child-centered) that it's now viewed as "wrong" by some.

So let them think it.

Does it really change who you are as a mother?

Why is it now becoming a sexist issue? Was it somehow implied that it's okay for a man to drink in front of his children but not a mother? I guess I missed that, too. On the flip side, fathers face many prejudices that mothers do not, i.e. stay-at-home dads are lazy, fathers who earn less than their wives are not ambitious enough, not good providers... it goes on and on.

It feels like people are being hyper-sensitive on both sides about something that simply isn't new.

Every situation in life is open to judgment from all sides (case in point: I'm hearing alot of it from your supporters against Dr. Janet and Meredith) -- always has been and always will be because it's human nature.

I guess I'm wondering when - in a case like this that is really a personal choice - being true to your convictions, and sharing your life with others who have similar philosophies, stops being enough.

[Kellie Sullivan-Herring]

I watched the interview the other day. I have to say that on one hand I was not surprised, on the other hand I totally shocked about how Meredith seemed to be on the same page as Dr. Janet. She has never seemed the type. I know that I have heard her on The View talk about drinking wine at home. I am also pretty sure that that hubby of hers isn't going to be taking care of the kids while Meredith has a drink because he is so ill.

Too bad I couldn't have been on. I would have made Dr. Janet's skin fall off when I told her that I bring my three-year-old to the pub with me. Yub, I bring my baby...to a bar. We have a pub near us that all of my friends and brothers have worked in at one point in their lives. It is the place where we all meet a few times a week. Since I have had my son I don't get out alone that much and usually show up once a month now without him. BUT, on a sat. or a sunday you will probably find myself, my husband, my parents, my grandparents, my brothers and our friends there enjoying a pint or two. My son and my 2 year old nephew take over control of the pool table (with the help of a few chairs) or color.

I am the worst mother on the planet apparently. Good thing my husband is there to make sure I don't go over my limit.

[jamielynnlynn]

You were awesome. Loved the boots and loved that you were holding your own.

There is nothing wrong with alcohol in moderation. So sayeth FDA-eth:
http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/Publications/NutritionInsights/insight4.pdf

See all the men and women who understand and support you (in the past 3-4 days of comments)?? Delete the trolls and Overly-Moral Robots of the world and continue raising your kids the best you can.

And then blog it so we all may witness it.

[Atalanta0jess]

What the fuck indeed! They were ridiculous...the whole thing was such a pile of bullshit.

I love (not) how they kept equating the desire to have a drink with your friends with the need to have a drink. As if wanting to have a glass of wine with your friends is the same as NEEDING one to relax, and needing one to cope with social situations, as needing one to get over your loneliness. Because there is no other reason that an adult human being would want a drink, right?

It made me want a beer, quite frankly.

Anyway, fuck all of that noise. You were great - thanks for being a voice for the non-puritanical non-perfect folks.

[Lena]

What about the long held holiday tradition of dads watching the kids alone while drinking beers and watching sports while the moms are out shopping?

Has the media EVER addressed that a father's judgment should be questioned in this instance? We see this scenario played out in COMMERCIALS and no one bats an eye.

What is the difference? What is with this inherent acceptance that men are more capable?

The most angering interview question for me was the final one: "What does it mean, Doctor, that more and more moms are TAKING THIS ROUTE?".

What the fuckity fuck indeed.

[cliopatra]

The segment aired after I had to leave for work and I taped it, and the hub and I watched it yesterday afternoon. His comment was "Dr. Janet has a much stronger argument" which of course, made me think that he was in agreement with her. So we had the big discussion about when we have kids, if he comes home and has a beer it's ok, but if I have a glass of wine, it isn't? He said no, he didn't say he agreed, just that she had a stronger argument. I think there are a couple of reasons for this:

1. She was a psychologist with all the inherent psychobabble at her disposal, up against a real live human being.
2. She obviously had the whole NBC cast and crew behind her.

This was obviously an ambush. You looked lovely (if a bit nervous) and you handled yourself well under the circumstances. I'm not sure I could have kept myself from starting a hair pulling contest.

I've read most of the comments here, and some people said things a lot more eloquently than I could have. We as women are our own worst enemies, until we just stop being that way towards one another and ourselves.

[Divinely Crafty]

Geez Melissa!! Look at you!

I leave the country and may as well have gone to another planet! I had no clue that any of this was going on. For shame on me and keeping up with things.

I find the debate itself hysterical though. Do you know that here they serve alcohol (not just a glass of wine, but full bar) at official primary school events **with children present** ! This year we had a "Thank God the fucking puritans left the country" themed Thanksgiving meal with all our ex-pat friends. I really do enjoy Living La Vida Limey...

Katie (formerly of Oregon, now of a tiny village in SE England )

[cooler*doula]

As someone who has written for newspapers, and worked for a network station, for a couple of years, I find the constant 'it's the media's fault' thing very annoying... But this segment on NBC proved to be right on. Three minutes or so just isn't enough to create a balanced picture - not that they were trying...

Jesus. The soundtrack for the segment...

"Just give me that wine..."

?!!??!!??

"An afternoon for three stay at home moms is a happy hour... And not just for the kids"is the opening salvo.

Hello. It may have worked as a cutesy intro, but Happy Hour is when you get drinks half off so you can get schmackered. That's not what we're talking about here.

"The backyard bar..." ?!?!?!?!

Qu'est-ce que le fuck, indeed.

It was awful. Totally unfair. Just wrong. It's outrageous that they call themselves a news show. Wankers.

[italianmommy]

1) I don't understand your issues with your weight. Now you are not anorexic-looking, but you are also not even remotely chubby. Perfect, really.

2) The whole babysitter thing doesn't make sense.

I have sex with my husband while my children are in the next room sleeping, or watching TV but I wouldn't want my babysitter having sex at my house.

3) "Children model their parents." I'll tell Grandpa to stop smoking his pipe b/c everyone knows that the kids are going to be chain smokers. Please.

4) I'm Catholic and we drink wine at church. Is this a bad example for my family?

You were too nice to Meredith though I understand you were caught off guard.

[italianmommy]

Oh yeah. Did you know they serve BEER and WINE at Chucky Cheese. So let's all blame the sahms for that one too.

[Cherie]

First of all, congratulations on appearing on national tv and doing such a great job. You were very composed, gave great answers, and looked great. I was very disappointed in the piece because it didn't offer a real, balanced debate on any topic. I wasn't immediately offended by the babysitter question, but the more I thought about it, the question should have been something like, Is it ok for dads to get together and drink beer (at a BBQ or sports game) while watching the children? And is it ever ok to have a drink in front of your children? And, if you can't ever drink in front of your children, how are they going to learn that having a drink or two is enjoyable and ok? I'm wondering now if they were trying to stir up controversy (like from those shots of the wine bottles at the playground) so they can do a follow up story and generate more buzz.

[wine makes mummy clever]

OOOOOHHHH this sort of shite makes me SO angry.

I'm really pissed. Not in the Australian sense of the word, but in the American sense. As in angry. Not drunk. Because if I was drunk Dr Taylor might want to come down here and rescue my kids.

[superblondgirl]

I'm still mad, too, and it wasn't even me being abused on TV. I can't imagine how angry you must be.

[Maddy]

Deinitely a sexist approach on their part...that women must be monitored and "good" at all times. Creepy, really.

Glad Logan's male liver was able to protect your wimpy female one.

[Alexavair]

First of all - you're brilliant. I've read your blog since last fall and you're just amazing.

I don't understand why you can't have a drink on a play date if it's okay to have a glass of wine or a beer with dinner. I can't offer anything that someone else hasn't already said, but this just gets under my skin. I don't drink because I hate my son, I drink because I WANT TO.

Next they're going to warn us against the evils of taking a Benadryl in front of our children...I'm worse off if I have one of those than four or five drinks. Guess I'll renounce my sense of self in any way, shape, or form so that my son has a good role model. Cause that's healthy, right? ;)

[joanne]

I thought you seemed kind of surprised and indignant at how stupid that Meredith and Whatshername were. I think it's more telling that Meredith Viera, who's been in her job for quite a while now, seemed really nervous and uptight and ... kind of gross, really. Maybe she was jealous of the boots? Because they really are fantastic.

It seems to me the problem here is that in Meredith's (and any of these uptight prigs) opinion, YOU are at WORK (or so you claim!) and so you can't drink. You are no better than a babysitter, you SAHMs are always going on and on about how it's a JOB, right? So don't drink at work! I think it's the same thing with these SAHMs that think it's horrible and shocking that you would consider having a glass of wine while at home with your little darlings. They would never do it because they care more about their children (job) than you do about your children (job).

The thing that nobody seems to get is that a SAHM job isn't like any other job. Not everybody can do it. It's really really hard, time consuming, not immediately fulfilling, annoying, boring but busy, on and on. If I'm a SAHM and I'm not supposed to drink (or whatever babysitters aren't allowed to do) during working hours, then when are NON-working hours?

I think it's just jealousy, plain and simple. I think the ones that aren't SAHMs think that we sit around all day and don't do anything so we don't deserve to drink, and I think the ones that are SAHMs don't have any fun and can't get the big SAHMartyr stick out of their ass long enough to figure out how to have some.

It's gross and annoying and here to stay, I'm afraid. I don't know how to combat it except to keep on keeping on, and have great representation on TV like you.

[jillpmcd]

Melissa,
I don't watch television.
I do read your blog.
I watched the segment...the entire insipid 7 minutes.
YOU did a good job of remaining calm under duress. I'd have told them to fuck off.
Now I remember WHY I don't watch television.
(You know if everyone quit watching what passes for network news today...eventually they'd have to actually create true news programs again.)

[She]

Dear Suburban Bliss,

Last night I drank a beer while playing a board game with my 7 year old.

Am I going to hell?

~Not a baby eating Presbyterian in Iowa

[lisame]

Last week, I liked you.
This week, I wanna have your babies and make you raise them. I feel silly being so proud of a woman I've never met.

[jennifer]

Melissa, thank you for staying above the fray of the mommy wars. I think the idea of making this about Janet's and Meredith's working mom status (see other entry's comments) is bunk.

It's about cluelessness... not working-mom-specific cluelessness about how hard it is to be a SAHM. My husband is not a SAHD and also not a woman, and he knows the difference between a babysitter drinking and a mom drinking, and he thinks it's fine to have a drink around your kids. So yeah, failure to empathize or respect a person's jugdment is not about the jerks' own parenting circumstances, it's about them being situationally dim and extreme (purposefully or not, though I put my money on purposefully for Dr Janet and dim/bandwagon for Meredith).

This is about two women being insulting, straight up. To me, asking the babysitter question is not insulting, but comparing a mom to a babysitter with "what's the difference?" is insulting. Assuming that a playdate is about the drink is insulting. Deciding that it's universally unhealthy to have a glass of wine if you're a mother hanging with peers and kids is insulting. Making this a working mom vs SAHM deal is insulting to all of us, too.

[Monkee]

It was an ambush! I very quickly found myself screaming at the TV and explaining to my husband why I was trying to wrench it off the wall, throw it to the floor, and stomp on it. You showed great restraint.

[jgsearls]

I agree with jennifer's comments above - it's not a SAHM vs. working mom debate. I work full-time and still have a drink while I'm home with the kids.

Here's the thing...NBC highlighted this as a "growing trend." Really? Is it really a trend? And is it really growing? 'Cause according to my mom, her mother had the ladies over for lunch - with the kids - cocktails all around. That's going back some 50+ years. A trend? And growing? Based on what? Someone 20 years ago did a survey and now we're comparing that data and determining that the numbers are up? Ummm....somehow I doubt it. I know for damn sure my mom didn't organize "playdates" for my sisters and me. She had social gatherings - sometimes with the kids, sometimes without - most of the time with cocktails. Still...here I am. A productive member of society who pays her taxes, supports her schools, loves her parents. Whouda thunk it?

[Lisa]

I just heard about this, and I wanted to give you a pat on the back (and a middle finger to Meredith and Janet.) I think you handled yourself very well, and you did way better than I ever could have. I'm pretty sure they would have had to escort me off the premises because I was either crying hysterically or yelling all sorts of things that would sound like a long bleeeepppp! on the excerpt that would be found on YouTube the next day.

(I wanted to say that I just read your Lice Fest 2004, and thank you so much for turning that unpleasant experience into something I can laugh at now.)

[ksc]

calling all prohibitionshits! We must stop this *new* trend of moms drinking around their kids! It is just NOT safe! PAH-LEASE!!!!! My GOD. Oops. I'm sorry for having wine around you, sweetie, would you rather I run a methlab out of my home? Would THAT be better? At least I'm working then.

Ditto all said support, Melissa, and screw(driver) Mrs. V and Dr. Mrs. Robotididn'traisemykids. You were fantastically composed and articulate and a lot more calm than I would have been if presented with the "argument?" that you're just a babysitter. Here's the deal: I'm too lazy to look for her email address...but I need to give Ms. V an earful. I think we all should boycott her and the Today show. Shame on HER. You were fabulous. Congratulations on being in the middle of this. :)

Could SOMEONE please provide me with Meredith Viera's email address?

[ksc]

Oh and another thing: What's with the "who would drive the child to the hospital?" Shouldn't we expose the DANGERS of one-car families? What if darling child gets hurt at 10 am and mommy doesn't have a car because dad has to get to work? Shame on them for not having another car.

God, I'm fired up about this, and the lack of journalistic integrity that was displayed on that program.

[OldestSister]

Unlurking to comment on this one. You sound more furious as time passes, understandably. I do agree with a former comment that it's a shame to turn this into a woman v. woman debate, especially the endless and fruitless SAHM issue.

My POV comes as someone who is past the lifestage you, and many of your fellow mom bloggers, are at. I've got 2 kids who are teenagers now. And I will never, ever argue that those baby/toddler/little kid phases aren't dog years for many moms-including me! With all the love them, wouldn't trade it yada yada yada I've got to say I do not miss the downside component, which you eloquently express along with the joys, of those years with my children. I don't apologize for thoroughly enjoying the way teens have their own lives and most times prefer you show your love by leaving 'em alone (no problem, sweetheart, I'll just be lying on the couch with a good book if you need me!).

But my take on the infamous babysitter question is somewhat different. Here's why: I think what MV was trying to get at was that watching little ones, no matter who is doing it, is something that requires the watcher to have all her-or his-wits about her/him. Thus, your hesitation about why you wouldn't want a babysitter drinking. The fact is, alcohol physically affects our mental acuity. Heck that's why we as humans consume it! It doesn't mean that one glass of wine or even more for some people is going to lead one to being incapable of functioning. But it does mean that reflexes are not going to be as sharp, that your consciousness isn't exactly as peak as if you haven't consumed the alcohol.

So for me, back in the day having alcohol while at a playdate woulnd not have been a good idea because it meant I wouldn't have had all my wits about me. Personally I rarely had enough wits to start with that I could afford to spare any. Seriously, we all know that scary things can happen thatfast with young children. So while I'm not advocating never ever sipping a drink until your children have grown and left home, I do think that a gathering of parents (note gender equality) all having alcohol while supervising young children is not optimal. There, that sounds sufficiently PC yet judgmental I hope(?!).

Having said that, I don't espouse a double standard. I don't think it's a great idea for a dad to be hoisting a few cold ones while in charge of the kids. As for whether families at a gathering should drink or not, well if both parents are there you've got some redundancy. Without going to the designated-parent level, I see a qualitative difference in the sense that you've got 2 adults who both have as their highest priority the health of their kids.

Going back to another point, it is also true that it's hard I think when you are in the thick of it to realize that the old cliche all those old ladies keep spouting is actually true: it does pass and quickly. The time is coming when life will open up as far as those endless hours and days of grueling caretaking is concerned. You will have a life again, really. You will have time and energy and leisure without kids on top of you. So I'm not sure the argument that it's vital to keep being able to enjoy that side of adulthood is really a valid one. At least as it relates to having cocktails at playgroup.

Plus, and this is something I relate more to as my kids grow up, there really is a message being sent. Yes kids certainly can and should see that their parents are adults. But a function like a moms/kids playgroup gathering is a different dynamic than a larger multi-family gathering. Sort of whose rights take precedence on this one-sure moms have a right to have a drink occasionally. But kids have a right to grow up without an implicit message that mom needs something to relax while she is with them when that relaxing always or most times means alcohol consumption. As noted, I've got teenagers and trust me it will come back to haunt you. This is why it is so important to keep some adult pasttimes and preferences private-so you can lie your teeth off when the time comes. Oops, sorry slipping into a real mother of teens tangent there...

And I do disagree with your point in the other post that people can/should drive after consuming some quantity of alcohol that leaves them legally unimpaired. Personally my own feeling is that if you've had that first sip, you shouldn't be driving. I just think that automobiles require, again, that one has all senses as sharp as possible when I'm driving. It's dangerous enough on the road sober, given the idiots that surround us daily.

Anyway, it is a shame you were ambushed on national tv-and there is no question you were. You did handle it as gracefully as possible.

But through the anger and hurt, I hope there is still some room for a real discussion about this issue somewhere in between the fuck-Meredith group and the you-and-your-fellow-Chardonnay-sucking-friends-are-going-to-hell camp.

Oh, and when all is said and done, may I add my opinion that based on what you choose to show and tell in your blog about yourself and your family, clearly you are a loving, caring and excellent parent. Sober or not (JK as my teenagers would say!).

[Melissa Note: I understand your point of view but the basic premise is something I don't agree with or accept. Also, thank goodness you aren't making dui laws!]

[Lee]

OMG....I've read through all the comments of the posts up to this entry, and OldestSister finally set me off.

"But kids have a right to grow up without an implicit message that mom needs something to relax while she is with them when that relaxing always or most times means alcohol consumption. As noted, I've got teenagers and trust me it will come back to haunt you. This is why it is so important to keep some adult pasttimes and preferences private-so you can lie your teeth off when the time comes."

Never in any context was it said here or anywhere else that "relaxing always or most times means alcohol consumption". Please correct me if I'm wrong, Melissa, but I don't think your playdates were daily, and you have already stated that there are many other things you do to relax.

As to the "keeping adult preferences private":

If you are talking about a penchant for bizarre sex, baby eating, or wearing your wife's underthings, then yes, perhaps your children should not have to deal with the image of a silky black thong parting their father's butt hair. But as far as modeling behaviors that are a part of the fabric of normal society? Why would you not want to set an example or educate you kids from a position of wisdom?

I am the father of a 16, 10, and 4 year old. I dropped out of school. I had my first child when I was 17. My children know these things, because I dont make a habit of "lying through my teeth" to them. I don't(and can't) step on my moral high horse about staying in school or sex. What I can do is point out what I've done and how it affected my life, in the hopes that they will make better choices than I did, without being "do as I say, not as I did"-ey.

Trying to present the picture of the faultless parent is far worse than showing your warts to your children.

Melissa: I starting reading this blog because my wife was constantly chuckling over your entries, so I decided to see what the fuss was about. I probably check for updates more than she does now!

You held your own in circumstances that were adverse in the extreme for defense of your position. Good on you!

[Melissa Note: At it's height it was once a week. And during the school year only one or two people would imbibe at a time. Sort of like a business lunch! Occasional drinking at the table.]

[OldestSister]

So here I was trying to avoid sounding like the Voice of Judgment while being honest about my own opinions, and I clearly pushed major buttons. As for concealing one's life from your teens, that was mostly intended as humorous.

I feel badly that Melissa even feels the need or urge to explain anything about her decisions on drinking-please understand this isn't about deciding that it all has to be one way or another. I have my opinion, other folks have theirs. If it is impossible to listen to each other without attacking what's the point of discussing it at all?

These are just my thoughts and they may or may not be what others feel. Doesn't make them less worth sharing though, or so I assumed, just because they don't agree with the overwhelming tone of the discussion. That's all.

And maybe Lee missed my last paragraph? Melissa, my grandmother once gave me the best advice on raising kids I ever got: No matter what, love them and let them know it. Everything else will follow. Your kids clearly have a great mother who loves them very much and lets them know it. Peace to you and your family.

[Tracey]

Melissa,

I love you to pieces. I'm a longtime reader of this blog, and watched dutifully on Friday morning and cheered for you from my couch. I think you did really well and looked great -- confident and poised. What I think you did BEST on the show was not get into it. Everyone watching knew what was going on... that they seemed to be ganging up on you, sensationalizing the issue for the camera, and that this issue is more about trusting women than anything else.

You didn't need to get riled up about it on TV because 99% of the viewing public agrees with you. And likewise, no one else needs to get riled up about it now because it's beside the point. I hope you can get back to the "confident and poised" way you handled this on air. Meredith and Janet were just doing their jobs -- Meredith was desperate to make this worthy of the Today Show, and they could not have hired a reasonable person to sit in Janet's seat or it would not have been worth the airplay.

Perhaps there were things you wished you would've said, and though you may regret not staying so composed, but believe me, you represented mothers better by retaining some composure.