My final post about this stupid thing.

When Alicia Ybarbo from The Today Show contacted me about the Cosmopolitan Mommies piece in the New York Times she told me the show was interested in doing a piece about this supposed 'trend'. We talked at length about my own playgroup, about the response to the piece and about how it isn't a 'new trend' it's something women have been doing since the 60's.

In the beginning they wanted to come and film my playgroup for the piece. Since our kids are now all in school full time, we don't have a weekly playgroup anymore so this was problematic. I suggested a more 'happy hour' gathering where we'd meet after school and our husband's would swing by after work for our usual family pizza night. Alicia said the mixing of dads would 'taint' the story (Read: "Make the subject more palatable because men keep their women in line and they have an auxilary liver in their penises.") So I told Alicia it just wasn't going to work out. My friends are busy with young kids and active schedules, so sorry.

After seeing how they twisted 3 hours of filming into a wine bottle orgy when those women (one who's commented here) had a glass each, except for her because she'd found out she was pregnant. How they chose quotes which made it sound as if the author believes sober mothers are not very good mothers. With the way my mouth goes and goes and goes, they could easily have pulled a very unpleasant quote from 3 hours of my yapping. Not only that, if my friends were embarassed by their portrayal I would be about 1000 times more angry at this point.

A month or two later Alicia contacted me again. She said she had loved what I had to say on the topic and they'd like me to come to New York City to be on the show. At that point I wet my pants. I wet my pants not because I was so excited to go on television but because I knew this was an opportunity I could not refuse. Even though I hate talking on the phone and am far better in writing than I am in person. Even though I would like to weight 20 pounds less to appear on television. I knew that, for me personally this would be a huge step toward being the person I want to be.

Alicia said it would be a live segment in the studio and there would be a psychologist, Dr Janet Taylor, there with me. Here is where the lies begin and this is a huge part of why I am so angry about the experience and am using this platform I have to explain it.

The psychologist is 'on board' with the whole thing. She's a mother herself and understands. She's just there to set limits and to explain what may be 'a problem'. Which makes a lot of sense to me. Once we define problem drinking and how to know when you might be crossing over into that realm, we can have a light hearted conversation about moms getting together to be social while their children play. Just like Regular Grown Ups.

As time went on ramping up to my appearance. The psychologist bit seemed to be changing a little. Alicia informed me the psychologist was now feeling like she had to say mother's of very young babies shouldn't be drinking (something I still disagreed with, but okay....), "...you know things like that."

Right before Alicia left town (she was not on set for my appearance....hmm....surprising) she said, (something like, I'm starting to realize why she always wanted to talk on the phone, not via email) "Now, Dr Janet Taylor's position has changed a bit. She's feeling like as a professional she has a responsibility to make sure women understand the risks."

Which still, I was okay with because in my world there is a difference between drinking and drinking to get drunk.

In the end I showed up on a show with Dr Janet Taylor, well trained media machine who was not discussing drinking in moderation but was instead talking about women as children who have no clue how to drink in moderation and can not be trusted.

I was told this was going to be a 'lighthearted' discussion. I pictured talking about how no one is talking about 'Kids And Keggers!', I pictured discussing drinking as a social activity many adults do, I pictured discussing how my husband and I often drink as a social activity at kid centered activities and not a single reporter or television has ever called to ask my husband "what that glass of beer means to him".  I wanted to emphasize how silly it is to call this a trend. I wanted to emphasize how mothers are raising children, they are not children themselves.

I was not at all prepared for a debate between "Melissa Summers, blogger!" and "Dr Janet Taylor, psychologist with impressive resume and four kids." I was especially not prepared for a debate which involved Dr Janet Taylor repeating the same thing over and over like a very tall robot.

"Mothers must find healthy ways to relieve stress." Really Dr Janet Taylor? Like doing Yoga, meeting friends for dinner, going out with my husband, spending a few alone hours at the coffee shop or the bookstore browsing? Like that? Oh, good because those are things I do as well and I just pointed them out and I may as well have been talking to my hand because you heard none of it.

Dear Alicia Ybarbo, If I had known this would be some sort of faux debate I would not have agreed to appear with a fucking psychologist with plenty of television experience as my opponent. This was unfair and you know it and that is why I was never informed this was a debate.

Would I have had the same discussion with another blogger who thinks it's not a good idea to drink at playgroups? Yes absolutely. We may have been on equal footing in that way. A blogger may have been able to actually say something of value or entertainment because we are not trained in the ways of traditional media. Which for Dr Janet Taylor means saying the same thing over and over without ever really saying anything of value.

Things like, "We underestimate...." the effects of even one drink on our ability to parent. Dr Taylor? Did you know our bodies have something called a liver and our liver can process alcohol? It's funny how people all over America routinely operate a car going 30-80 miles per hour and are considered legally able after one drink. But you're right Dr Janet Taylor, after one drink I can't change a diaper or push a kid on a swing or wipe somebody's butt.

Jennifer Ramsey from Stay At Home Motherdom was quoted in the New York Times piece and has a personal story of alcoholism which sprouted out of the loneliness of early motherhood.

Any social drinking can develop into alcoholism. Your husband's beers over football could as easily become alcoholism as a drink over the swingset could. But it's true, it's always a risk and it's something worth discussing especially as a network which doesn't want to be blamed when a mother says, "Well Meredith Viera says I can drink whatever I want whenever I want!" and then drives drunk killing herself and her children. Yes, I can see that.

I'm trying to keep this organized but as I explained at someone's birthday party yesterday (with Siobahn!) the longer I let this simmer the less able to sum it up I feel. I'm used to writing in 10 minutes off the top of my head with barely an edit. I've written this post 12 times, starting on the plane on my way home from the debacle.

After Alice headed back to New Jersey to get Henry from school I went back to the hotel to watch the video of the appearance and the more angry I felt. A combination of exhaustion and intense anger left me crying in the lobby of my hotel trying to get NBC to get me a flight home ASAP. When Isabel, from Alpha Mom, arrived to take me out for a drink she was greeted with my sobbing face.

I don't like being lied to. I don't like being called a babysitter. And I don't like being pitted against a psychologist unexpectedly on national television.

NBC called me at 3 o'clock (the process had started at 1pm) to tell me they'd gotten me a flight at 3:50. Wow, thank you NBC. You've given me 30 minutes to make it through Manhattan to Laguardia...to check my bag and get through security. You rule!

That's actually when the crying started and Isabel arrived. I ended up calling back my contact, telling her to forget it I clearly don't have enough time to make it. In 5 minutes I'd booked my own flight and paid for it myself.  All I wanted was to be home where I could tell Logan how intensely pissed I was.

In the meantime I told Isabel, who, as we all know, is very familiar with the dark side of media, all about it until I inhaled all the air out of the lounge we sat in. It was exactly what I needed and Isabel had great input I definitely wouldn't have gotten from Logan. God love him, but remember he's got a second liver in his penis and so a free pass to do as he pleases.

Let's talk about what happened behind the scenes. Alice chatted with Dr. Janet Taylor in the green room while I had my makeup finished. Alice asked, "Well what's the difference between a family at a backyard bar-b-que drinking a few beers while the kids play?"

Dr. Janet Taylor replied, "I think there's a difference between a bar-b-que and a playdate."

Alice asked, "What?"

And they were interrupted and Dr Janet Taylor had no answer except, I assume, "Mothers must find healthy ways to relieve stress. Mothers must find healthy ways to relieve stress. Mothers must find healthy ways to relieve stress."

Do fathers need to find healthy ways to relieve stress? And healthy ways to support one another? These are questions we'd all like to know but Meredith Viera is more concerned about the difference between a mother and a hired caregiver. Way to go Club Mom co-founder! Name change: "Club Glorified Babysitters!"

Is the difference between a backyard bar-b-que with families the fact that there are penises around to keep the mommies from over doing it? We underestimate the effects of even one drink after all. Is the difference the fact that there's alcohol combined with an open flame and children? I'm dying to know Dr. Janet Taylor.

Right before we went on air, Dr Janet Taylor and I were standing waiting to be mic'd. At this point I was thinking we were still on reasonably the same team. I was excited. I asked her if she'd done television before and she said yes, several times. Oh? Awesome for me! I'll follow your lead (except that her lead was robotic and said nothing of value to anyone). She also brought up two stories of mothers who had been drinking during the day, one had killed people at the elementary school during after school pick up and another had killed her children driving drunk.

I said, "Well, obviously these are people who were not aware of their limits and over did it. There have to be limits."

Dr Janet Taylor said something like, "Well maybe there are no limits." (I don't remember what she said exactly but her answer gave me an unsettled feeling about what was about to happen.)

And then we got onto our stools and Meredith Viera called me Marissa when she met me and that really boded well.

Things I wish you could have seen: Meredith Viera choking on a monster sized turd when I suggested sometimes my children make me think about ridiculous things, like selling him on ebay. (Thank God I didn't mention that summer where I wanted to eat the children dipped in chocolate. Lighten up Meredith!)

I wish you could have seen me roll my eyes in frustration when Dr Janet Taylor was given the last chance to speak and said absolutely nothing but a bunch of 'healthy ways! Not judging your alcoholism and inept parenting!' Oh wait, you did see that...and I thought I'd hidden it so well.

Logan said, "When you looked down and sighed at the end? Anyone who knows you knows that's your 'I'm trying not to punch you' look."

Things I wish had gone differently:

When Meredith asked me what the difference between me and a babysitter is."[Hearty Laugh With Incredulous Head Shake] Meredith? Did you seriously just ask me what makes me as a mother different than someone I pay to give care to my children? The co-founder of Club Mom just asked me that?" I also wished I'd said, "Well since my role as mother is 24/7, I often have anal sex with my husband while 'on duty'.  I don't really want my babysitter having anal sex with my husband."

Just imagine the turd which would fill Meredith Viera's mouth with that comment. It makes me giddy. Absolutely giddy. Dr Janet Taylor's head would have popped off and rolled away calling, "Mothers need to find healthy ways! HEALTHY WAYS!!!! HEALTHY!!!!!"

I wish Meredith would have been prepared to ask some more pointed questions of Dr. Janet Taylor. Things like, "Why is it not okay for mother's to be social as adults, while their children are social as children?"

Or

"Is it okay for fathers and mothers to have a few drinks at a bar-b-que?"

"Is it fine for families to socialize together with adult beverages? What makes that different?"

But no, let's just let Dr Janet Taylor spout her same ridiculous message over and over without ever asking her for clarification of her position.

I wish that the author in the green shirt had not said her ridiculous comment about sober mothers not being good mothers. I hope this was a misrepresentation of what she meant. Because I hardly think a sober mother is not a good one. Also, I think it's probably wise to generally keep your drinking within the legal limits of sobriety when drinking with or without children (or you could ask your husband to help keep you sober...God knows women don't know how to control themselves). I wish though, she'd said something more like:

"Show me a mother who never drinks and you'll be showing me a mother just like myself who is still a woman, is a human being who makes the choices she thinks are best and who is making dozens of mistakes every single day with her kids and almost none of those mistakes will ever matter in the big picture. So everyone chill the fuck out."

I wish I'd brought up the socializing with alcohol my husband and I do together and questioned why my husband has never been brought to New York to be shamed for having a drink in front of his children. No one has ever asked him "What that drink represents to him...." No one has questioned his ability to be a parent after having a glass of wine.

I like to picture Dr Janet Taylor replying, "Well, men have a penis." and Meredith Viera shaking her head in agreement, "Yes, yes....a penis!"

Most amusingly, at the end of the segment when the cameras went off Meredith Viera said, "In Europe this wouldn't even be an issue." Right Meredith and NBC. Thanks for helping out the cause you moron.

Let's see if I can put into list form the things which have upset me. I am not at all upset with how I was portrayed. I think NBC came across pretty clear. They invited a media savvy psychologist to go up against a mother with a blog. They asked no real questions and the psychologist said nothing but a premade sound bite, "Women must find healthy ways.....to be martyrs!"

I came across as I'd wanted to. As a normal woman who likes to combine her roles as a mother and an adult. I came across nervous, but reasonably well spoken (especially for someone who is afraid of the phone) and I interrupted where I needed to and challenged Dr Janet Taylor in a way someone, like a journalist (Hey Meredith!), should have.

What made me unhappy were these three things:

I do not like being lied to and set up for something I was not expecting and was not prepared for at all.

I did not like the overall stench of misogyny. I don't like crying SEXISM, I find it annoying as all hell. Both sexes have to deal with stereotypes and negative attitudes, but something about this idea that drinking is okay if husbands are around infuriates a very deep rooted anger in me.

I also do not like the lack of questioning of what fathers drinking around children implies. It feeds into the mothers as martyrs thing I mentioned falling into last year and which I've been trying my damndest not to fall into again. That somehow mothers have more of an obligation to be 'appropriate' or 'not concerned' with their own needs than fathers do. It's bull shit and the media messages only perpetuate it, so much so that I found myself mired in it without really realizing it or intending to do it.

Finally it bothers me, The Today Show had yet another chance to bridge the Mommy Wars and instead they laid out a stupid black and white message with the power of a psychologist suggesting mothers who have even one glass of wine are being irresponsible parents. NBC and The Today Show have sent out another wave to fan the flame of the Mommy Wars and I'm fed up with it.

And before I get another round of 'But you're judging mothers who don't drink!' let me reiterate: I am judging mothers who judge *me* for having a glass of wine in front of my kids without my husband's penis in attendance. I don't care if you drink or not and if you don't care if I drink or not, then we'll get a long just great. Unless you're a baby eating presbyterian or if you are incredibly negative and every other word that comes out of your mouth is a complaint or if you're my in laws (who do drink!).

This is terribly long and I'm not even sure if I'm getting across everything I wanted to.

But let's link to other people who are talking about this in a more detached way because I am about to tell you that someone who was on that stage with me had pants which were cut so low her thong rose above the waistband by about 4 inches. Professional! Talking about setting examples for our kids. Tsk tsk. But see that's a really bitchy personal attack so I'm not really going to do it. Except that I did. I'm a blogger, we're like live wires.

The Zero Boss talks about it here.
Karen at Home on the Fringe here.
Stefania at CityMama here.
Eden at Fussy here.
Izzy at Izzy Mom here.
SupaMB here.
CalistaWolf at LilacPixels here.
Chris at Notes from the trenches here.
Mysternyc here.
The Bean Blog here.
A Mommy Story here.
Get Sheila here.
Laid off dad here.
Kristin at Imperfect Mommy here.
(The newly pregnant!) Mihow here.
At MayasMom here.
VenturaMom here.
Jessica at Kerflop here.
Alice at Finslippy, who spooned me the night before, here.
Karli at Mom on a Wire here.
Kris at Wonder Mom here.
Mamaloo, the doula at momcast, here.
Amy at BlissfullyBitchy here.
Danielle at Foodmomiac here.
Grace at State of Grace here.
Nancy at Mom, Ma'am, Me here.
Susan at Friday Playdate here.
Jen at Jen Dude-ist here.
B.V. at I Had A Thought here.
The Silicon Valley Moms here.
Karen at Troll Baby makes it short and sweet here.
SoloMom at Sanity and the Solo Mom (at NBC owned iVillage! Hee!) here.
Suburban Turmoil here.
Erika at The Daily Camera here.

There are of course lots of places discussing how very wrong I am and how right Dr Janet Taylor is. But I don't feel a responsiblity as a blogger to search out those links for you. You may call it what you will. But a lot of the personal attacks out there are being written simply (including a 7 paragraph long comment/discussion of my personality disorder, my need for dental work, my horrid haircut and payless shoes!)(WOW!) to attract links, hits and readers. You can find those on your own.

My purpose is to share my thoughts and show the producer at NBC what other people are saying about how they handled this topic.

I have not deleted a single comment on this thread and I've left several thoughtful opposing viewpoints remain in my comments, including one which calls me an alcoholic. I've responded to some negative comments because I found them so irritating. So please give me a break here. If you want to make personal attacks or have your opinion mostly left unchallenged then you'll have to do it at someone else's site or your own.

My final thought is this: I don't need Meredith Viera to tell me to have a drink. I don't need Janet Taylor to tell me I'm a good mother. I do want the way we look at motherhood to change. The drink is symbolic of a bunch of other issues related to being a mother.

That's my bigger picture.

No, it's not world peace, but the mommy wars certainly aren't creating world peace are they?

[Edit: Please see my update about the follow up piece at The Today Show here.]

Comments

[KristinAugieandJoelsMom]

Ok. I have read all of your posts regarding this whole Shooting Match, as it were. I have been told that my writing skills are adolescent because I use bullet points too much, but none the less, I like to write with billet points. So I want to make a few points. Can I say point any more?

1) Does Meredith even have children? because if she did, she would never, ever referred to what you do as babysitting.
2) I did not watch your piece and I do not watch the Today Show. And I will continue in that vain because I am one of the other end of the spectrum - the Luddite Mommy who doesn't let her kids watch TV. Since I like to make gross generalizations, I am right now grossly generalizing that this is part of the larger phenomenon that I like to refer to as The End of TV as We Know It. Are viewers really that unidimensional and gullible that they think that mom's drinking is a new trend? (Please refer to my comment on Finslippy regarding my mother, her beer and her Tareyton 100's and her suntan lotion).
3) Please don't go to a place of despair. Ok. You were duped. I would have been flattered, I would have gone to New York, I would have done the same thing. You need to remain at a place of rage beause your posts are hilarious. And in all seriousness, it displays with acuity, the complete shallow-ness of morning TV and TV in general and Our People's lack of ability to grasp nuance, complexity, adult responsibilty and many other things I could list here but need to get to a meeting about a 950lb man.
4) Although I live in Minnesota, Happy Hour at our house is at 5:15. You are all invited. My husband is a brewmaster and last time I checked, our children are still above average and our liver enzymes are still reading at normal levels.

[crunchy carpets]

Hi there, I didn't see the segment, but read about it on MSN..I also have been reading all the bs bitch sessions going on in reaction to ....nasty comments and personal attacks...childish and pathetic behavior all in the name of 'sticking up' for the blogger friend. Disgusting and sad.
Not to mention I was a bit boggled by so much focus on how good you looked and what you were wearing by some of the bloggers out there...wtf has that got to do with anything.....

It is very clear that you were used. They had a non topic and were trying to turn it into some big hot topic..feeding the mommy wars flames and turning everyone into desperate housewives....or stepford bitches.

So the only thing that SHOULD be argued about is the media and how they can twist words and stories. And how they think we are all stupid too.

I have ranted a bit about this on my own blog connected to another piece on MSN....truly pathetic writing....but it does make me wonder.....you can visit crunchycarpets.com if you are interested.

Please though...no comments on my ankles or lack of fashion sense...seen enough of that all over the place.

[Katie]

You have a new loyal reader and fan! (And how the heck didn't I find you before this?)

The babysitter question just kills me. When those words came out of Viera's mouth, I think my heart stopped. You were so polite about it, I think I would have walked off stage in protest.

I blogged about this earlier today. I want to see Meredith tell Nancy Pelosi (US Speaker of the House) that all those years Pelosi spent raising her 5 children as a stay at home mom that she was just "babysitting". And I seriously doubt that Pelosi (Italian-American Catholic) never ever had a glass of wine around her children.

[Tabitha]

Melissa -

I don't want to respond all that much to the whole "Mom-tini" issue other than to say what you've already expressed much more eloquently than I am about to - if you want to have a drink or two while watching your kids and you are aware of your alcohol limits and double pinky swear you won't get bombed and start dangling your kids over balconies, more power to you. If you don't want a drink while watching your kids, swell. Whatever floats your boat.

What I more wanted to say was thank you. I'm a first-time mom to my 11-month old son. For the past 11 months, I've struggled with feeling isolated, judged, frustrated, and confused. Motherhood has not proven easy regardless of the career success I enjoyed beforehand that made me think I could breeze through this mommy thing no problem. Your posts on this issue have done what no one has been able to do yet - you've made me feel empowered as a parent and as a mom. My decisions - regardless of how others view them - are my decisions for better or worse. Like every mom, I set out each day trying to do the best for me and my son. Some days I feel I've done well and some days I'm waiting to see if Child Services will be knocking on my door insisting I'm incompetent and unable to care for anything more than an in-grown toenail.

You've reinforced that while I am a mom, I'm still also a person. And I can enjoy the life of a person in addition to the life of a mom. I am smart, I am responsible and I damn well know right from wrong. I'm exhausted from the non-stop judgment that comes with motherhood - moreso than fatherhood - and I appreciate you providing your "live and let live" perspective. It is refreshing and wonderfully freeing. And I can honestly say "freedom" isn't something I've felt a lot of to this point.

For all the frustration and anger you've had over this, I hope you can at least feel a little satisfaction knowing that you've helped one new mom feel a hell of a lot stronger. Bless you, Melissa, and cheers.

[Sarah Cool]

Brilliant. This was incredibly well written.

Nice work, Melissa. I'm impressed.

[slouching mom]

Holy shit, Melissa. This is awesome. What a hypocrite Meredith Viera is to have commented about Europe immediately after the segment. So her "Today" face and her "View" face are different? Man, they must be paying her a lot to have gotten her to sell out that much.

[Vikki]

We are in REAL trouble at our house. You see, my partner and I have two children. We're both women. There are no penises around to keep us in line. Sometimes, with crazed indifference to the well-being of our children, we sit in our backyard and have a gin and tonic while our children play on their swingset.

I know my comment adds nothing to the intellectual debate on this topic but, at some point, you have to realize that people are so entrenched in their moral superiority that they can't see reality anymore.

[greentshirt]

Kudos to you for stating your case so well. My love for you grows with every post.

[MelissaS]

Crunchy Carpet: I think people commented on how I looked because I have made it abundantly clear that I am insecure about my weight and my looks. This is a 'friendly' place so people would like to reassure me about that thing that gives me trouble.

I know that annoys some people but I personally appreciate the thought behind it.

(ps: People defend when their friends are attacked personally. Someone's ankles come up when dental work is hurled as an insult.)

[ash pdx]

I have been telling my husband about this debate, and we both think it is such a non-issue. I mean, are we (and I am including men as equal culprits here) not "allowed" to have a glass of wine at dinner since the kids are present?! Ridiculous.

The only thing that really caught his attention were your anal sex comments. He is now going to start reading your blog regularly...

[dubtrub4me]

I taped the segment for my friends to see. We watched it together Friday evening. We could totally get your comment on the rolling of the eyes and selling on e-bay! Gosh, what mom hasn't had a moment like that at some point (or more) in her life! I will say that the babysitting comment raised much ire around here! It just didn't make much sense to us! Whats the difference, indeed! My friends and I gather to have a drink (wine or beer) with children AND puppies in tow! Many, many times the hubbys will join us when they get off work. To watch over us? Hell no! To enjoy the fun we have! We are much more relaxed, easier to talk with and just plain more fun! After a long day of the usuals (laundry, cleaning, shopping, homework, etc) its nice to kick back! We applaud you for what you tried to convey! And anytime you are down in NC, look us up! We'd be more than happy to have you join us! Good job, Melissa! And thank you for giving us a voice!

[anne nahm]

Have to tell you that the day your segment aired, a Mommy & Me friend stopped me, gasped, and said, "did you see that thing on the Today Show about moms drinking at playdates??? "

I internally cringed, waiting for this mom to follow the party line that had been fed to us all via modern media.

"I never heard of such a thing! Can you imagine?" She said.

I peeked out from behind pinched eyes, getting ready to go on a tirade about how biased that show was etc., etc.

And then the mom said: "What a great idea! We should totally have one of those!"

So maybe your message is getting across despite NBC.

[hoxwrth]

In Las Vegas the local affiliate did not show your interview, only the taped segment with the ladies in Encino. I was so disappointed and could not figure out why you weren't on! Sorry I can't remember what they showed immediately after the Encino part, but it had nothing to do with the cocktails story.

I did watch the interview on MSNBC's website and I thought you did a great job. The psychologist had absolutely NO sense of humor and Meredith asked some really stupid questions. But I'm not telling you anything you didn't already know...

And I agree, you were the best dressed of the three :-).

[CallistaWolf]

Dang but you did a great job of discussing the "debacle" (that's exactly what it was). Basically just chiming in to say "Yes, yes, yes!" to everything you said. The issues you had with it, the big ones, were pretty much EXACTLY the same issues I had with it. I posted about it all here:
http://lilacpixels.com/slackermama/01/27/2007/if-im-a-babysitter-wheres-my-paycheck/
but I'm not sure how eloquent I was. It's not about drinking... not really. I don't care if moms drink or if they don't drink. It's about the JUDGING.

Melissa, I'm proud of you and proud of being an open minded mommy blogger. Ambushed though you were, you represented us well.

[momdotcom]

Well said, Melissa! Over the past few days I have been thinking about my own gut reaction to the piece----which was disgust at the way moms in general were presented. Part of me felt I knew you just from reading your blog for three years. Having read your posts daily (or close to that)I felt I was really getting a sense of who you are through your writing. And because of that I had this weird feeling that I had to defend you. And protect you somehow... just as I would feel if a good friend of mine were raked over the coals. This is why, crunchycarpets, faithful readers of Melissa's blog are commenting on her stunning appearance. We want to make her feel good about herself. Of course her great boots and nice haircut have nothing to do with the issue at hand, but who doesn't like a compliment??

No doubt about it: the Today show was covering it's butt, and it's clear that Dr. Janet was speaking not as a mother and a friend, but only as the mouthpiece for NBC. Whoever put that sad piece of journalism together should be ashamed of themselves. Judgemental and one-sided claptrap.

[Sparklykatt]

I thought you did a fabulous job on the show! I thought you were very articulate, and better yet, real! Not to mention you looked fabulous! What are you talking about wanting to be 20 pounds lighter? Blah...

It really is a shame that the segment ended up being more fuel to feed the mommy wars fire. How sad that we all judge each other so much.

I wish I could come to your play groups. I could use some mommy friends, even better if they let me have a drink with them.

[MollyAtHome]

Melissa,I watched the interview and you handled yourself inpecably. I was apalled when Meredith Viera asked what the difference is between you (as a mom) and a babysitter, and she does have children. She also probably has at least one nanny to watch the kids during *her* playdates. It's always very easy for people to judge others when they have never walked in the other's shoes.

Be proud that you held your head up high, presented yourself well and made your points consisely. I can tell you from experience that the media will always twist what you say to them to tell the story their way and to create the most sensation. Usually they just wind up making themselves look bad for failing to represent the truth. You're the Superhero for speaking out for all of us who can use a little adult time after a day filled with kid stuff.

And by the way, where DID you get those boots? They looked awesome, and I need something for my husband's office thing this weekend.

[Millie]

Beautifully argued...I hope NBC reads this. I'll never watch morning TV the same way again.

[Kathy Travis]

Melissa, You admitted that 1)you sometimes want to sell your child and 2)you will have a drink when you feel it's appropriate. Which makes you, in my book at least, human. And I thought I was the only mom who refuses to believe I stopped being a person the second I gave birth. You're my idol! Keep up the good work!

[hello insomnia]

Amen, Melissa.

NBC had the home court advantage with their stupid questions that were meant to frame mothers as good or evil, with no gray area that says a glass of wine isn't going to send your kids to CPS.

I didn't know that Meredith had co-founded ClubMom which further infuriates me that she could put babysitting and mothering on the same level.

[Gwen]

Melissa, I am sorry that this was such a difficult time for you. I watched the clip on the web (even had to use that dreaded ie)and I was impressed with how composed you seemed even though you were obviously ganged up upon. If I were in the same situation I am sure I would not have done nearly so well. I might have even resorted to a "Well you are stupid!" Take that Dr. Janet Taylor. Where did you get your degree? How screwed up are your children?

I haven't written anything about this on my blog yet, but I wanted you to know that even the puritanical Canadians are on your side. :)

[G]

Everything you have said makes perfect sense. It's a tough world out there for women and mommies without all the bullshit we throw at each other, and it's a shame that there are always some trying to push others off the boat. I truly hate that Viera angled the story in that way; not that I had much respect for her in the first place, but now I despise her self-righteous face. And the doctor she had on with her was so bland and artificial, it was ridiculous.

Your writing is such that whether you write about poop, as you mentioned, or about moms being able to make their own decisions without a bunch of self-righteous bullshit being thrown at them, you'll have lots of fans and well-deserved attention. Bravo to you.

[Lauren]

A pox on NBC and my kudos to you! I have sent the network a very bitchy email and I have posted on my own blog asking people to do the same.
http://lifelibertyvodkatonics.blogspot.com/
I applaud your honesty and your bravery- THOSE are the things your kids will remember and model! I hope I grow up to be half as good a Mom!

[Deanna]

I'm not a mom, but I was delighted to hear you say that sometimes you think about selling your kids on Ebay. There are plenty of smart moms out there wallowing in guilt because they have feelings like that. Just by standing up, telling the world that motherhood isn't all lambs and bunnies, and that damn it, sometimes you want to have a drink; maybe you made a whole bunch of people feel a lot less guilty. Fuck the ones who can't take a joke.

[StacyK]

This is perhaps the best post I have ever read at your blog, Melissa.

I like to have a drink now and then, and EGADS, yep, I have two young children. So here's my toast, a very common unorigina one, but still:

*with drink held high*
Here's to you
Here's to me
If ever we shall disagree
.....
.....

Well, then F*ck you and here's to me.

[amki]

I'm afraid I have to disagree. While I understand and believe that your group and concept may have been misrepresented, I think you're execution of points led to very little weight in your favor. The rolling of the eyes, and the eloquent comment of selling your children on e-bay made you present yourself as more of a bored and angry mother who is seeking social permission to drink. As a mother myself, I can fully empathize with your sentiments regarding the children, having said on several occasions that I wanted to throw my children out the window. I would, however, find a more diplomatic way of saying this on national television so that it would not look like I was an angry mother ready to drown my troubles. While I do not disagree with having a drink and socializing, I'm afraid you were a poor spokeperson for the cause.

[Melissa Note: My message and delivery isn't for everyone. I can only be who I am. Not everyone will love me. That's okay, just ask my in laws and the presbyterians!]

[Zoot]

You made me proud, Melissa. I held my daughter in my arms while I drank a beer with my husband this weekend. We toasted to you.

[habsatu]

I just discovered your blog and can I just say that you? are awesome. This whole thing has me so angry my head might explode, and I think the penis/auxiliary liver metaphor is the best possible way to explain WHY it makes me so angry.

Also, if those boots are from Payless, sign me up!

[Ambra Nykol]

I agree the conversation was slanted and you were brought into a debate without really being told that's what it was. I can certainly admit to that even though I'm in the "Parents shouldn't be drinking in front of their children" camp.

All that said, I don't think what took place on the Today Show is the least bit out of the ordinary or isolated towards women, mommies, or even every day bloggers. Being slanted is the nature of these shows. You get interrupted, you don't get asked questions that deal with issue, you get pit against some "expert" with lots of letters after their name and it's not really about intelligent conversation but rather who can get the last word. That's not necessarily a good thing, but it’s certainly a reality and one that should be expected when one agrees to participate in this type of opportunity.

Truth be told, a few days from now, this will all boil over and it'll be onto the next person who was invited on tv to discuss the topic du jour.

Honestly, I really wouldn't allow myself or my emotions to be dragged into this. You find yourself in great company of the many great and influential writers and women who have been invited on to major network television shows and felt slighted and underlying misogynistic themes. It's like an initiation of sorts. Roll with the punches.

The good news is this: this week more people in America know who Melissa Summers is than last week and by my calculations, that's pretty awesome.

Shake the dust off your feet and move on.

[Melissa Note: Exactly what I'm doing by expressing myself. Just like I always do here. Thanks.]

[Kristin]

Here's one more comment fully supporting you Melissa. I thought it was bullshit the way you were set up on the live piece. And you can also add my two cents worth available at http://imperfectmommy.com

[Allison]

Finally the post is up! I have been waiting for this all weekend.

I am not a mother, but I am a woman. I read your blog and other blogs of parents/moms and childless people as well. I don't discriminate! I read them because they are insightful blogs dealing with real life issues, and often shed light into other lives or the life I could be leading someday.

I TiVo'd the segment. I find it so disturbing that NBC would hold such high standards as mothers, but not to fathers. I was furious when Meredith asked about babysitters being just like moms. Who the hell is she to compare mothers to babysitters?

I have lost all respect for her and the Today Show and wonder to myself what would it have all been like had Katie Couric been hosting the segment.

[merseydotes]

I am so glad that you walked through the whole process, first phone call to leaving the city, in you being on the Today show.

The way that the Today show set you up is unconscionable. They misrepresented the piece in order to hook you into doing it, they edited the footage in Encino (the addition of the 'wine' song was especially over the top) to support their opinion, they put you up against a talk show psychologist who has done this a million times and was prepared for a debate and Meredith Viera herself had different things to say about the subject when the cameras weren't rolling. NBC was trying to get ratings and increase its buzz, and maybe - in a spectacular display of conflict of interest - Meredith herself was trying to highlight an issue that would drive traffic to Club Mom. The whole ploy wouldn't have worked unless someone was there to naively say, 'Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with moms having a drink during playdates!' And when I say 'naively' I don't mean that you are stupid or easily duped; I mean Alicia Ybarbo presented it to you one way and you - as someone who's never been given a reason to question the portrayal - took her at her word. Perhaps if you had been just a bit more paranoid, cynical or jaded about this opportunity, someone else would have been the sacrificial lamb.

What I think is worst about this whole thing is that you did really, really well on TV - you looked great, you were articulate, you were funny, you handled the curveballs well - and you're probably never going to do anything like this ever again because you got burned so badly on your first time out. What a shame that mainstream news outlets will miss having a witty, intelligent, timely voice to include in their discussions.

[metrochic]

I could not be happier to have found your blog despite all the stupidity surrounding what went down. It was nice to see a real mom on TV, eye rolling included...and I just wanted to throw my hat into the ring of support with all the others. Cheers, Melissa!

[jeff]

Melissa,

I don't really have much to add to the drinking issue that hasn't been expressed many times. I would only note that your willingness to voice an eminently sensible opinion in an era when the entire concept of common sense seems to have been forgotten is almost heroic.

The real reason I'm posting this comment is to express sympathy (and a little empathy) at your clear mistreatment. Like you, I am generally capable of presenting myself well in public (and, as a lawyer, I better be). But being sandbagged in public is, without a doubt, the worst feeling in the world. It suddenly dawns on you that (to quote the great Norm Peterson) "it's a dog-eat-dog world, and you're wearing Milkbone underwear." At about the same time, you realize there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. When every cell in your body is screaming "This sucks! Let's get out of here!" you still somehow have to find a way to hold your shit together. To your credit, you didn't show any sign of the betrayal and shock you must have been feeling.

I live in the area. If I ever see you in Royal Oak, be prepared. I will walk up and say "Hi." I will tell you how awesome I think you are. And if Logan knows what's good for him, he'll be wearing his woman-saving underwear.

[serafina pekkala]

Alright, bring on the ad hominem (ad thong-inem?) attacks!! :P No, not really...Melissa, you are nearly as cogent blowing off steam online as you were in person. Thanks for the inside scoop on the whole shebang. Here's hoping you can feel the sisterly, awkward hug extended by your many admirers here. Also, if Oprah calls, you should totally do it -- a yellow leather sofa smackdown is the best revenge! :) emily

[pixie sticks]

As someone who agrees with you wholeheartedly on this subject (proof: http://www.flickr.com/photos/77888553@N00/371594827/) I think you did an excellent job of making your points considering the lack of information on where they were going with the segment. Meredith and Janet would not be my friends. You came across as real and funny and articulate.

[TeriLynn]

Ooh lordy! It's getting to where I can't read all your comments anymore!

Most of my friends held the belief (as do I) that it was vaguely misogynistic, condescending, and biased, but ultimately you held up your end VERY well. And you're pretty. And apparently, you're "clearly" my sister, and everyone must know it because you wore boots. Heh. (p.s.- great boots!)

-miao.

[Shandra]

I have been so entirely perplexed about this one from the start. Maybe it's a Canadian thing but I feel outraged at the sexism and the puritanism on your behalf. And my own. I think you did great and although it was a lousy experience for you I'm glad you were on TV to give a normal perspective.

[g2s]

Melissa,

You are accoplishing your final thoughts!

It is nice to have a voice for all of us who believe that we are women first, then wives and mommies.

You have helped more mommies than you will ever know!

~g2s

[Emily]

Melissa you get a big round of appalled from us here. I watched the clip via TiVo last night and even my husband (who had no idea what it was about, who you were, or why I was watching it) said, "Wow they really screwed the cute girl in the sexy boots. That was completely one sided, even for daytime TV." I can not believe that they lied to you and put you in that situation, shame on them. I still think that you held your own, and came off as a real mother talking about the issue. You went up there and did you best as one of "us". And I appreciate that.

[izzosmom]

I totally RACED home from dropping my daughter at school to see your appearance. The whole thing made me very uncomfortable, as it REALLY seemed like a set-up.

And seriously, a babysitter? My respect for her plummeted at that point. I now understand why the rest of the newscasters on the show treat her as if she was a savant.

HOWEVER!! At the end of the show, Ann and Natalie watched the clip again, and talked about how they didn't really see any problem with it, in fact, it was kind of nice to see the women bonding. Awwww, THEY should have done the interview.

I think the journalistish (Viera) is required to play "devil's advocate," even if they don't agree with the message, and she was just ridiculous. I'm sorry that happened to you, but I hope you realize how many parents LOVE the way you put words to their lives. It is brave what you do, and we all really appreciate it.

[Melissa Note: What did I say? I kept saying Ann Curry would have understood, especially about my period. Damn. Plus Natalie liked Logan's hair coloring job. Why didn't they save me from Meredith? Ha.]

[Mom101]

It's really interesting to hear the whole progression of the production. Good lesson to the world that things aren't always what they seem to be.

And along those lines, I have to say in defense of Stephanie, the mom you mention on the pretaped LA segment who writes at babyonbored.blogspot.com, she came off as light and funny and fun. Clearly her joke about sober mommies being bad mommies was just that - a joke. Same as your ebay comment. Besides, we don't know what she said immediately before or after it.

Any viewer who missed the humor in either comment...well, as you said, you probably wouldn't like them anyway.

[Melissa Note: I know it was a joke but hackles are pretty high on that note (I have been accused of hating sober mothers myself) and as I said, I'm sure in the three hours she said lots of great things and they chose something which could be flammable by other mothers.]

[abogada]

I'm sorry that I missed your appearance. But, my heavens, what a ridiculous thing for people to be fighting about. A drink? In front of my toddler? But of course. I don't even wait for playdates; I have a glass of wine when it's just the two of us. My daughter will tell you that daddy drinks red wine and mommy drinks yellow (we haven't yet corrected her that yellow = white). Count me on your side of the debate.

[AChildIsBorn]

Is there any other place to see a clip, other than at MSNBC? For some reason, I cannot view the video.

(Damn it.)

[VenturaMom]

The Today show piece = misogynistic, slanted, overblown.
Melissa Summers = genuine, articulate, sassy woman/mom/wife/blogger.
I ranted about it, too.
http://venturamom.blogspot.com/2007/01/momtini-myth-judgement.html
Cheers to you!

[Shannon K.]

Thanks for that. I needed to hear that I wasn't the only one who felt completely blindsighted, and a little bit used.

[Melissa Note: I am so sorry Shannon.]

[MB]

Thanks for the link, Melissa. I wrote something because of Isabel Kallman's comment on an earlier post of yours, to the effect that we should use our collective ire for good and create some sort of reverse buzz.

I'm really glad you wrote this giant follow-up. I think it's important for us to realize just how fake and skewed these "news" shows are, and your and alice's behind-the-scenes really show that. I think it's also important for our collective sanity to remind ourselves, over and over again, that we aren't stepford moms, we're just people. People who happen to be in possession of one or more children.

We don't hear that anywhere else in the greater world of media, so we have to remind ourselves.

[Mocha]

I'd love a new logo, please, Melissa. Keep the martini glass and lose the pacifier. Obviously, I need a penis in my drink. That would be awesome.

[Melissa's Note: HA!!!!!]

[Melissa]

Thank you so much for your sincere writing, because as a new mom, I'm tired of all the books and experts and OTHER WOMEN who judge mothers so harshly. We need to give each other a break. It's hard to teach kids about compassion and tolerance when most ADULTS haven't learned these things.

I will only argue with you on one point, and that is, I think you looked great! :)

[carolyn]

That piece which I watched on the internet made me irate. I thought you did an amazing job and the other woman up there with you sounded like a robot. I do wish you'd been a little quicker on your feet and called Meredith Viera out when she compared you to a babysitter. That would have been truly priceless. I hope Meredith and the Today show are reading your blog and are ashamed of themselves. You, on the other hand, should feel proud and beautiful. Count me in as a huge fan of Suburban Bliss now and always.
P.S. Would you set a reserve price do you think?

[Melissa Note: OH MY GOD. Me too. I make Logan play Meredith and we relive it each night. Damn it.]

[ShelFish'sDad]

Professional, nice! Who's thong are we talking about here!? C'mon a stay at home dad's got to be able to daydream!
Good grief.

[merry jennifer]

I TiVo'd the Today Show piece and was incredibly uncomfortable watching it. It was pretty clear that you walked into a trap, and no one was going to help save you. You know, I'd always sort of liked Meredith Viera, but after watching that segment, I've lost respect for her.

One of the things I have struggled with since becoming a mother, especially in these early years (my daughter is 3 and my son is 4 months) is my IDENTITY as a mother, as a wife, and as a person. A mother's identity is SO tied up with her child's identity that I think we lose part of ourselves. For me, having a glass of wine with dinner (yes, even while nursing!) allowed me to feel like I was part-human again. Adult again. Able to make my own decisions.

The cocktail playgroups are a great idea. I only wish I had other friends (and time) to get one going around here. Imagine that...we could feel like mothers AND adults all at the same time. What a foreign concept.

Thanks for doing what you do. You did great, by the way, and you looked fantastic. Good job!

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Oh, PLEASE let the visible thong have belonged to Janet.

[ShelFish'sDad]

I'm a stay at home father. Yes, we are rare, but do exsist.
I was forwarded the link to your appearance on the Today Show and wanted to let you know, I loved it! Cheers to you! My wife and I were talking about the issue at hand, neither pro nor con, but both agreed that if it was me on there with a group of stay at home dads drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon in the backyard with the kids, Meredith would have sent me off to the gallows right then, no questions asked. Matt would have been there with a cell phone camera and the silly weather guy would have been chanting, "Does it taste great or is it less filling?"
Here’s to you Melissa.. I didn’t approve of the way the story was pretty one sided based it seems on Meredith’s views, but you made us proud.
You have another fan that will read on.

[wine makes mummy clever]

Someone may already have said this, but I think that the whole episode is a perfect example of why mainstream media, and particularly presenters and commentators like Ms Viera, are starting to feel a bit nervous. Their days are surely numbered when smart women can choose to watch the Today Show or read a well-written blog. Chardonnay-quaffing mothers around the world are watching people like Ms Viera shoot fish in a barrel (sorry, you're the fish in this analogy) and going elsewhere for their daily dose of intelligent debate and discussion. Yes, comment fields attract their fair number of dickheads, but we are learning to ignore them, too. If I was in America, this whole thing would cause me to stop watching that program, and anything else that sets up 'debates' between two people, one of whom starts their argument with 'not to be judgemental, but...' for the sake of ratings and instead come over to Suburban Bliss to boost Melissa's stats.

[gigi]

Very well said!

I'm not sure if this has been said yet but one point that I've been thinking about is this: Isn't it possible that by drinking RESPONSIBLY in front of your children you are teaching them healthy drinking habits? I grew up with an alcoholic father. Before he got sober he drank to excess and behaved horribly. When he got sober my family converted to the religion of AA where alcohol is the new satan. What message did I learn from all of this? Alcohol is bad. But that isn't true. We just went from having too much alcohol in the house to none. Never did I learn that alcohol could be consumed in appropriate amounts (a glass of wine, an occasional cocktail, a mimosa on x-mas morning) without opening the gateways to hell. When I finally had the chance to have a drink I took it way too far. I didn't know limits because there were never any set up for me. It was black or white, all or none. What you are doing is teaching your children that there are gray areas in this issue and that there are multiple choices- not just all or nothing. I applaud you. You are teaching your children a healthy attitude towards alcohol. It's the most loving thing that you can do for them.

[FeelinFroggy]

Wow, I didn't get quite to the end of that post and I am ashamed to say that I do not fully understand how all of this happened. Did you decide to have a Strawberry Daquiri during a playdate and it escalated into all of this?

I don't have kids but I am helping my boyfriend raise his six year old daughter. All of my girlfriends have kids so we get everyone together and we serve adult beverages (to the adults only of course).

I do not drink in front of children if I know their parents would be upset about it. I hate the next morning "mommy has a headache bring me the medicine thing" or the "bring mommy another drink". I don't especially think that the kids should be that involved in the drinking process.

You seem like a reasonably competent woman with probably a good grasp on reality. I cannot picture you throwing back tequila shots in the car on the way to get your kids from school. I am sorry that you have been raked over the coals so much on this one. Especially on national television with Meredith Viera, that woman makes me miss Katie Couric.

You have listed several good outlets for stress besides drinking, you seem to be saying A drink instead of A BUNCH of drinks, oh yeah and HOW YOU RAISE YOUR KIDS IS NONE OF MY DAMN BUSINESS.

Keep up the fight and if you need backup, well it looks like you have plenty!

Oh and by the way, I have actually written up the e-bay add for my boyrfriend's daughter and for several of my friend's kids, its good to keep your options open.

[Melissa Note: I haven't had a shot in over 9 years. When I had a shot of tequila at a wedding and spent the next hour in the bathroom staring at the walls trying to regain some sense of sobriety. My limit does not include shots.]

[MsShad]

Great piece. I saw the segment, even tho I don't watch their morning show. I thought, manoman, Meredith is different than she was on the View. When she was on that show, she talked many times about going home and having some wine. And she also talked about how crazy her kids made her.

She's lost all credibility for me.

[capello]

honestly, i'm rather impressed with you. you managed not to curse or punch anyone.

no way in hell i would have showed as much self control.

[Michelle]

I watched this and have to say that I, along with my sister-in-law, both were in total shock over the whole interview. We both know you from back in the early MOMS Club of Berkley days (hi from Michelle and Lenice!) and know what kind of women, mom, wife, etc. you are. I don't know who all of this got turned around into something that it's not. heck, I needed a drink myself after watching the interview because I was so disgusted over how it went down (and to know now that isn't what they represented to you how it would go). Anyways, you have many people who totally understand what this is all about and what you were trying to convey but wasn't allowed to.

[Kris]

Just one more mom/blogger joining in to say: you did a great job! And, I totally agree with you. I was so annoyed about the mom=babysitter statement coming out of Veira's mouth that I blogged about it too. I'm sorry they blindsided you with the format. I still thought you did a fantastic job.

[Melissa Note: Sorry about ripping your head off. Blogging Baby brought out my most inner rage. More than even Meredith Viera maybe even.]

[snakeepoo]

Miss Zoot had a link on her site to the video. I watched it and the first thing I thought was, this would not be a big deal in Europe. I cannot believe Meredith Viera waited until the cameras were OFF to make that statement!! Now that would have been an interesting question for the doctor. Why do we feel the need to make this a big blown out deal here when this is a normal part of life in Europe? They have wine with everything! It is a normal part of life. Why do we feel the need to demonize everything? Why does everything have to be one extreme or the other?

You handled yourself very gracefully. I don't think I would have. I think I would have really messed up their LIVE broadcast and they would have had to cut to commercial but quick!!

Meredith Viera has some nerve if she calls herself a journalist! She is nothing but a talking head! As far as anyone getting bent out of shape over what you've said or this issue in general, I say get over it!! There is so much more going on in the world to worry about than whether Miss Melissa has a glass of wine!

[Irie]

Don't you know that it's not the penis that allows men to drink and still be decent, law abiding members of society? It's because we have ovaries! It's the ovaries that makes us weak.

Seriously, the whole thing was a crock of shit. Ms. Vieria really isn't a hard hitting journalist who seeks to be fair. She cheapened herself when she began hosting a game show. When was the last time you saw Barbara Walters host The Dating Game? Or Cronkite on Blind Date?

[Nicole]

You may already know about this, but Meredith has a blog on iVillage and people have been leaving many comments in support of you and questioning her behavior during the interview. She addresses comments and questions every Friday so I'm curious to see if she'll respond to all the buzz this has created.

[Melissa Note: Interesting, thanks for the heads up!]

[mamaloo, the doula]

Inspired by my righteous indignation over The Today Show Momtini Debacle (the official name of the horror you endured?), I wrote on my own blog about my feelings on women judging women. http://momcast.blogspot.com/2007/01/on-friday-morning-melissa-summers-of.html

The underlying misogyny in this incident really got under my skin and enflamed some of the things that have been bugging me about this whole mommy wars bullshit.

I enjoyed your final analysis of the situation and was amused and horrified at the same time to hear the behind the scenes take.

You spoke truth, though. That's why I like to read you.

[Roobacca]

Here's the link to Meredith's "blog":
http://www.tiny.cc/MeredithsBlog

[Melissa Note: One of Meredith's people emailed me a while back wanting me to link to her blog. I bet this is not what she had in mind. Ha!]

[mihow]

I don't even know where to begin. I, too, am interested in reading what Meredith has to say on iVillage. I had no idea she had a blog over there. That should be interesting. But all of this does have me wondering.

Could this have been done strategically for ratings knowing full well how the blog world works? Do you know what I mean? Am I a cynical bitch for thinking that they may have done this on purpose, to attract more attention to their show/blog/etc? After reading what Shannon (can't remember if I have her name right) wrote about the editing process that went into the show, I can't help but wonder if they planned this a bit.

After all, "haters" help ratings. And "haters" with blogs don't hurt either. (Not that we're haters, I am using that term from that movie that came out last year.)

If Meredith and friends really want to address neglectful and/or bad parenting, perhaps they should use their media outlet and cover the ACS and how helpless and hopeless it has become here in New York City (Nixzmary Brown anyone?). Perhaps they should talk about something that really matters, like poverty, starvation, abuse, sexual abuse, lack of education for inner city children, homelessness, gang fights, the fact that a sexually abused, young girl threw her newborn out of 3-story window, God, the list goes on and on. But I guess what really matters, what might truly make a difference, takes too much work. And (here is where I get cynical again) I imagine on top of all that work and time, covering those stories won’t boost those immediate ratings.

I'm getting worked up all over again.

[mihow]

I have to add something to my comment above. I am not a regular viewer of The Today Show, nor do I read Meredith's blog or know anything about her at all, so if she does cover the things I mentioned above, forgive. I am going solely but what I saw. And I have trouble taking the whole wine on a playdate thing seriously when there are so many other far worse situations taking place.

[MomO'Four]

Am I the only one who caught the segment (and looked at it again on the NBC site) and thought that it was a fairly even-handed segment? The women from here in California, and the women from the bar in NYC all were saying it works for them and they never drink more than 1-2.

Why are you working overtime to get yourself and your readers whipped into a false frenzy? The host's comment about babysitters wasn't the most astute comparison ever, but it was hardly an attack.

I've read plenty of things on your blog that I've found funny and true, but is there any chance you're trying to fan this situation up for more attention, or are being a bit of a martyr?

[Melissa Note: Nope, but you're welcome to that opinion. When I don't like something I write about it. Just ask my in laws. This is nothing but it involves national television.]

[silvermine]

Wow. When I was little, if my parents had wine with dinner, they'd give us all little glasses, too. :D I wonder how crazy Miss Stuckup would feel about that!

[ErikaMSN]

Melissa, I don't think I've ever commented w/ you before.
First, I think you looked great.
And 2nd, I was yelling at my computer "Why aren't we talking about dads here?!?" So glad to see it brought up in your post-mortem (and some of the comments to Meredith's blog). It's a ridiculous issue. I thought you presented yourself well, and my only regret for you is that you didn't get a chance to point out how f-ing hypocritical this discussion is (there's a reason they had Meredith and not Matt do it), and that you didn't get a chance to talk about modelling responsible behavior.

To the above poster (MomO'Four)--the transcript may be even-handed, but the use of images--WHoa! Big bottles of wine! Wine glasses on the play structure!--made it classic propaganda.

I'd like to see what Miriam Peskovitz says about this--she's my anti-mommy-wars hereo.

[ShelFish'sDad]

To the above posters, they wouldn't talk about dad's because in my (stay at home dad) opinion, if the segment was about men doing the same thing as the women, the dad's would be shot on site and kids hauled away to a foster home or in-laws house.
Long ago when parents would give kids a sip of wine or whatever...wasn't that called "nite, nite juice"?

[Lisa]

I have only read about this fiasco. I have to admit, my jaw dropped. I myself do not drink at playdates *only* because I know my tolerance level and, given the typical short duration, I prefer not to have any alcohol if I will need to drive. It is a personal choice based on my own physiology. I also choose not to get totally smashed (or even slightly smashed) *ever* because I'm the default. If DD cries at night, I'm the one who goes to her. If she falls, I'm the one she wants.
I could blather on, but I'll leave it with this. It sounds like you were not treated well at all. I would hope that most people have a brain in their heads, would realize the CYA (cover your a--) approach of the psychologist/show, and would roll their eyes too.

[Melissa Note: See! A woman who knows her tolerance and abilities and chooses not to drink with her kids at playdate because of it. Is it possible? A woman knows herself? And can be trusted to make her own choices? WHAT!!!]

[patches]

I'm not a mother, so that may invalidate my p.o.v. but here goes... All mothers were women first, and they will remain women long after their roles as mothers become less demanding. But most importantly, they are WOMEN and MOTHERS simultaneously. Being good at one role shouldn't render you incompetent in the other.

You were sandbagged, Melissa. I believe in you.

“Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another”
-Henry Louis Mencken

[Soccermom Steph.]

I have read your blog since I started blogging almost two years ago. I never comment, but I feel like I must today. I caught your segment on the Today show and I was so aggravated.

I was mainly aggravated with Meredith Viera. She is a journalist I have respected for years. Even on the view I liked the fact that she was unafraid to ask tough questions or play the devil's advocate on things. Where was that Meredith on this particular day?

I am actually someone who might normally turn down a glass of wine at a playgroup. Mainly because it would just make me sleepy. But, what I think the Viera interview with you basically showed was that women today STILL have to point a finger and flame the mommy wars instead of just agreeing that everyone had a different opinion. Someone needed to be the bad guy, and so they tried to make it out to be you and the other moms who were honest enough to admit that sometimes when we stay at home, we need to live and feel like we're more than mommies. We need to be women too. And, there's nothing really wrong with that at all.

[Xdm]

I think folks should realize that for some us born in the late 60's early 70s a glass of wine was the least of our little baby worries. Tonics and Tots? PUH-leeeeze. for some parents it was more like:
Wee Ones & Weed!
Tokin' with the Tots!
Babies & Bongs!
Makes a beer at the barbecue sound quaint.
xo

[JudyR]

Melissa, you got blindsided. TV people, most especially daytime TV Producers, Associate Producers, what have you, work for the devil. All those "women's shows" love to put divisive crap like that piece becuase women "care" about judging each other. The shows and pieces are insulting to us all. The only way to make them stop airing and producing segments like that are to stop watching them. I'm sorry you were lied to, but not surprised one bit.

[daybreak]

I wonder how Katie Couric would have done with the interview?

The whole interview didn't really show anyone in a good light. Meredith seemed detached. Janet was just saying enough to get by and you were left defending your answers and position.

Maybe someone else will interview and actually discuss this issue and not just use it as a filler.

[Patty Maher]

It bites. I'd like to say I'll stop watching the Today show, but I don't watch it now. I did try to comment on Viera's most-recent post on her blog, but I couldn't get the comment in. This is what I wanted to know. (Her post dealt with something her oldest son was doing and ain't life grand for him and his proud parents.) My comment, which just won't be posted for reasons unknown to me, was:

I'm doubting that it's actually you reading the comments or that they will ever get to you, especially if they're negative, but I'll go forward anyway. Any chance you are going to respond to the tempest that's been swirling because of your "segment" on Friday regarding women who -- gasp -- might have an alcoholic drink while on a play date? It seems that perhaps it's a tempest that you were after. I mean, come on, asking her what difference there is between her as a mother and a babysitter. I mean, you don't see them as interchangeable, right? Even if you've had babysitters tending to your kids while you work, as I have, too, we take credit for forming our children. Children like Ben.

[AmyinMotown]

Damn, you gt blindsided even worse than I thought. makes your level of poise all the more admirable (although Logan's right, even though I don't know you, I recognized the "look down and try to stay calm" as a classic fuck-you look!

Hey, I wrote abbout this too, finally. Although plenty of your commenters have done a better job saying what I was trying to get across,

[mamie]

i watched the today show friday to see you, i had a really bad feeling with even just the way they were leading the story, the wording very centered around 'debate'. then the three of you sitting perched in stools, lined up, i thought, uh oh. and then the interview started. i commented later to my husband that it was such an unfair pairing and portrayal of the topic. i rarely find any issues on the news of today to have adequate and fair coverage and think it particularly brave of you to have tackled this subject publicly. the taped segment of the frolicking moms in socal really had the air of a happy 'backyard' hour, then the assault by mer....i don't know, i think you were hit with some unfair shots, did well at countering and did not crack under pressure. i am in the process of becoming a mom, i question what the future holds for my independence and balancing mommi-ness with me-ness. i liked the comment about the topic being just one more way for women to judge each other. we need to stop with that, applaud each other's efforts and support each other in times of need. you did fine, girl, just remember, ask for ann curry next time.

[Jennifer Ramsey]

I thought the babysitter question was unfair, as well. There is quite a bit of difference, no?

As I saw in one of your other comments, it is important to model behavior in front of our children and that includes responsible drinking. If moms can have playdates with responsible drinking, there is nothing wrong with it.

Let's just also be cognizant that there are moms out there with hidden issues that we, as friends, need to be intuitive about. People with issues tend to disguise it well.

[MomVee]

I can't help suspecting it's all been said, but I also can't resist flapping my own jaw about this:

It was unconscionable, absolutely despicable, that they misled you about the psychiatrist's role in the segment.

I would give anything to hear Janet Taylor's answer to Alice's backstage question.

Your line about her head rolling away saying "healthy ways" made me spit _my_ glass of wine all over the screen.

You looked magnificent up there, and you were well spoken. You should get a commission from the superhero necklace people.

[Nicole]

I am not a mother. Yet. But the segment offends my feminist sensibilities.

Oh, and the thing about dad's being allowed to drink in front of kids? Here's a story on responsibility for you.

Scene: my parents, sitting in the living room, having a cocktail each before dinner. An 18 month old myself running around, doing what toddlers do best (whatever that is).

Mom: I need to go check the roast. Keep an eye on my drink please.
Dad: (watching the news) Yep!

Mom leaves and comes back 5 minutes later to find her drink gone, Dad in the same position and me bouncing around moreso than usual.

Mom: Um. Where's my drink?
Dad: (watching tv) where you left it.
Mom: Yes. the glass is here. The DRINK is gone.

Yes. I got ahold of my mother's drink and drank it while she was out of the room. While my FATHER was watching tv...err...me...um. You get it.

Not that it ever happened again. But still. :)

The segment is ridiculous.

[thethinker]

I'm not a parent, so this may not mean much. But, I can give you the perspective of a teenager.

Personally, I think it's great that my parents drink in front of me. That gives me a view of drinking with a balance between not drinking at all and drinking to get drunk. I'd rather learn about alcohol as something innocent when taken in moderation from my parents, than be deprived of that lesson until I get into the real world and make mistakes that I didn't know were possible.

So, I don't really give a damn what this Meredith lady or her "expert" think. I like the fact that my parents are open with me about drinking and have been since I was a baby. And, they've even let me sip wine every once in awhile. (SHOCKING, I KNOW!)

The point is, I'd much rather learn all there is to know about alcohol while my parents are here to protect me from all the dangers associated with it and, most importantly, to see that you don't have to be so drunk that you're vomiting all over the place just from a glass of wine or two. And that's a lesson I don't need any robotic expert to tell me.

[madame sosostris]

OK, my comments are probably all repeats, but here goes.

First of all, you looked great! Cool outfit and composed demeanor. Second of all, I thought you were incredibly well spoken; humorous, thoughtful, concise with your message.

I found it really weird that the subtext was that "sad, lonely women" are turning to drink to assuage their pain. I thought you did a GREAT job of noting that having an occasional drink was just ONE of dozens of ways that normal adults conduct themselves socially.

The fact that NBC sandbagged you really sucks. That shows the same lack of integrity that underpins their whole approach to the story. The pathetic filming of little kids through booze, the ridiculous alarmist rhetoric about this "newfangled trend" of ladies drinking booze around their kids, the bizarre comparison of mothers and babysitters.

You also did a great job, although you didn't get enough air time, of pointing out that this whole thing is about mothers being people, with a whole adult side that doesn't have anything to do with being a parent. You were people before parenthood and, guess what? You are still an individual!! Gee!

Personally, I suspect that if parents model responsible, moderate drinking in front of their kids, they aren't likely to go bezerk when they hit their teenage years.

Anyway, you rocked on the show and I cracked up at the end when you sighed and looked down in resignation and frustration. I was right there with you, sister!! And when I have kids, I'm DEFINITELY doing a happy hour version of playdates!

[thethinker]

Oh, and one more thing.

I found it very ironic that Meredith's blog has got an advertisement for Bailey's on the side. Last time I checked, that's got alcohol in it.