Horror Vacation.

This week is making my eyeballs fall out of my head. My kids have gotten increasingly bizarre as they spend days and days together. Max has developed an elaborate story of being born to kangaroos in the state of Australia and riding naked on the backs of koala bears.

If you say, "Actually no, you were born in a hospital about 2 miles from our house, in Royal Oak." He vehemently denies this and becomes furious with you. So for now I've adopted my son from kangaroos in Australia. It's funny though because I do have this scar and I could have sworn he came out of it almost six years ago. Perhaps he's confusing being born by c section with being birthed from a kangaroo's pouch.

Midwinter break is the stupidest break ever. I hate it for existing.

On Thursday I took the kids to the African American History Museum. They'd been begging to go for a while and I thought it would be interesting. It really was but Max has a phobia about talking mannequins. Which, I can't say I blame him. We made it past all the talking mannequins and past the replica of the slave holding cells with mannequins chained in a dark scary cell and onto the replica slave ship which carried all those people to America (and other countries) in hellish conditions. We read about it and heard a recording of a man wailing as he was branded.

And then we heard the story of a woman who was hung upside down for three hours and beaten because she refused to dance naked for the captain and crew of the ship. She died during this attack and when the captain was tried for the crime, he was found 'not guilty', despite alarming evidence otherwise.

And wow, we've talked about the lady who wouldn't dance naked a lot this week. And the branding soundtrack. Sometimes we talk about it late at night while we cry. Wooo!

So after being on the deck of the ship replica, I decided it might be a good idea to, move on, because my kids were having a difficult time taking in all of this information. So was I, but my brain is just slightly bigger and at least a little more able to comprehend the monstrous things human beings can do to one another.

So we went down the stairs, the only way out of the exhibit, under the deck where the slaves were stored like cattle. Worse than cattle. It was dark in the room and on nothing but shelves, bodies were lined up heads out toward the passageway. The sound of the man on deck being branded seemed to be piped into the small chamber. The minute I saw the bodies I knew all hell was about to break loose on my kids. Maddie started to cry, Max covered his eyes and put his coat hood up.

I tried to explain that this was just a replica, this really happened and can you imagine how awful it must have been for those poor people? But these are just mannequins, they're just here to show us how awful it was. But I have to admit, in the dark it felt like we were really looking at bodies piled into a ship. I worried one would be animated like some of the other mannequins in the exhibit and my children would die on the spot.

Pretty much I took my children to a horror show. Which I guess I should have realized it would be because it's a pretty horrific slice of history. But then, as we have established, I'm not always the brightest bulb (please see: "The sink is dirty? We must get a new one!").

We finally made it to the civil rights movement, which was less scary since they know about Martin Luther King Jr. and the march on Washington and Rosa Parks and Ruby Bridges. Of course then we saw video footage of the city of Detroit burning in the riots. Then footage of soldiers in tanks driving along in the street as children watched. And Maddie watched with her mouth hanging open as she realized war actually can come to our country and Wow! I picked a really fun outing for an 8 year old. It got even better when she got to hear about the little girls in Alabama.

It's not that I believe in sugar coating reality for my kids, but I do believe in giving them information as they are able to process it. I'm not convinced the kids were able to process this kind of suffering and violence at 8 and 5 years old.

We survived the "And Still We Rise" exhibit and went into a gallery. Art! I thought. Art won't be so scary! And the kids were ready for some relief and it looked bright and colorful in that gallery so we went in. Oh! This is the "Unmasked! Stereotypes in American Material Culture" exhibit. Okay. How will this go?

We see a notepad attached to a frame made in the shape of a heavy black woman with a mop and a head scarf. Madison looks at it and says, "Oh! That's a cute idea!"

And I am thinking, as other families mill about the exhibit, "Oh. My. God. Explain this! How do I explain this????"

So I explain that the problem with these items is that they make people think that all people with black skin are like this. Are like slaves. Have wide noses and are always looking kind of happy to serve others. I said, "I kind of think a lot of these things were a way for white people to feel okay about treating black people badly."

Maddie looks at me and at the stuff in the glass display and says, "Well if it was a white person instead I think it's a cute idea to have a notepad on top of a person like that."

Well, okay.

There's a whole section devoted to watermelon and African Americans and in explaining to my children why this is offensive I ended up telling them about a stereotype they were previously entirely unaware of.

Madison: "So is it mean to eat watermelon?"
Me: "No. But it's bad to assume someone likes watermelon just because their skin is a certain color."

[To Myself: "Wooo! Good answer! Please let the rest be this easy to explain."]

Next we see a black lawn jockey. Maddie looks and, still trying to understand what the problem is, says, "I think that would be so cute if it was a little white kid you could stick on your lawn for a decoration....like maybe with one of those stone dogs next to him."

Now I've terrified my children with the story of slavery and the often demonic acts of many white Americans and I've given them some stereotypes they never would have come up with on their own to mull over.

Midwinter break is kicking my ass.

I'm thinking over spring break we'll head to the Holocaust Memorial Center for more big fun!

PS: Mississippi? 1995? Really? You didn't feel comfortable formally abolishing slavery until 1995? Could you do me a favor and give it to the US Archivist and make it official? You've had a long time to think it over and it might be a nice gesture. Don't look smug Kentucky, 1972 isn't much better.

Comments

[CinAA]

Oh. My. God. Now, I'll admit I've been sick for a week and so am not at my strongest, but even though I sniggered at your clean the sink joke, I cried at the civil rights part.

Our winter break is next week and boy, am I looking forward to it. Actually, I'm not. But if we can all be healthy and avoid the African American History Museum, I'll count it good. Nobody crying in the night is too much to hope for at our house lately, and we don't even have a good excuse like the horrors of slavery and rioting.

Be strong, Melissa. I'll make a cocktail with a Hall's throat lozenge floating in it and drink to you.

[Thel]

I kept laughing at your wry commentary, but yeah, yikes...

On the other hand, though, maybe it's not so bad that they start learning about things like that earlier. Just like my parents gave me no information about using alcohol moderately as an adult, they didn't tell me about any of the ugly parts of American history. It's hard not to feel lied to when you grow up and hear about those things later, and feel like an idiot for not knowing them already.

[Lisa]

Thanks for the heads up, I've been wanting to go back to the AAHM, haven't been since 1993 ~ pre-remodel. Think I'll wait a little longer, my 10 year old may do well, not sure about the 5 year old. Been to the Holocaust Center many times, but that's a lot of sensitive information too.

The Henry Ford Museum has a good display called "And Justice For All" which goes through the Revolutionary War, the Civil War, Slavery, Woman's Sufferage & the Civil Rights Movement. It's done very well and a bit easier to digest for younger ones.

[slouching mom]

This is EXACTLY how I felt when I took my kids to the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam. Let's face it, I did it much more for me than for my kids, I know that. I don't think there's any way to explain concentration camps to kids under 11 or 12 and get it right. If someone knows a way, please tell me! There are some horrors that are just too unimaginable. Even my nine-year-old was too young for the AF House. But wait! I know you're thinking that Anne Frank herself was not that old when she had to learn about unimaginable things. And I say to you, that's true, but she HAD to grow up too soon. My kids don't have to, luckily, and there will be plenty of time for them to be shocked, dismayed, and horrified at the cruelty people can inflict on other people. At least my kids can say that they saw the Anne Frank House. That's gotta count for something, right?

[Lori]

I've never heard of the watermelon stereotype either. And I'm 30.

[Valette]

I have to admit that I've never heard of the watermelon stereotype.

[Melissa Summers]

I think I'd like to have told them more about racial violence and slave treatment in pictures and words before I dropped them into it being played out.

The Anne Frank house made me sob uncontrollably. No way...not until my kids are teens.

Here's some information about the watermelon thing. I'm glad you've never heard of it.

http://www.ferris.edu/jimcrow/picaninny/

here is another piece about one woman taking back watermelon and letting go of the symbolism.

http://www.csmonitor.com/2005/0826/p18s02-hfes.htm

[dutch]

I drive by that museum occasionally and see busloads of black kids no older than Maddie going in there; imagine seeing that and learning it's how your great-great-great-great-grandparents came to this country; imagine seeing those exhibits without your parents. . .I'm not trying to take away from this emotional response your kids had, or suggest that they shouldn't have reacted so emotionally. Aside from the pain-in-the-ass of comforting them and talking and talking and talking about it, I think it's really awesome they went there and learned about that stuff. Kids their age have endured wars, genocide, prostitution, slavery, and conditions so horrifying they are difficult for people in our position to imagine. Kids are strong. So are yours.

I am sure the lessons they learned there will continue. Every time you cross eight mile with them there will be an opportunity to show them that the things they learned at the museum are not confined to the past but a part of an ongoing history. Why does Woodward look so different in Highland Park? Why don't white people live in the neighborhoods filled with gutted houses? Why don't white kids don't go to those schools? Segregation isn't something only to be found in a museum display; it's a few steps more than three miles away.

These things are an important part of living here, and for a lot of kids and a shocking number of adults it's just a lot easier to never learn about them and never, ever think about them. I am proud of your kids. I'm sure you're wishing you'd waited till they were older (duh) but what's done is done and now they understand a little more about the ugliness of this world. And maybe that means they'll want to do what they can to make it more beautiful someday.

This sounds preachier than I wanted it to. Poor Max. Learning the world can be so shitty is never easy. But it shouldn't be accompanied by the soundtrack of a man being barnded.

[superblondgirl]

You'd think they'd make a section that was a little more child-friendly, or at least post a warning. Because, yeah, of course kids need to know that stuff, but in an age-appropriate way. Of course, I might be suggesting shielding your kids from reality since a lot of the world isn't age-appropriate for pretty much anyone. I think I might be a little suffocating as a parent.

[Lori]

Wow, Melissa, thank you for sharing those links. I had no idea.

[Melissa Summers]

"Kids their age have endured wars, genocide, prostitution, slavery, and conditions so horrifying they are difficult for people in our position to imagine."

Just because kids have endured that kind of unimaginable horror doesn't mean my kids should have to.

Like I said I have always intended to teach and show them those things, to not sugar coat our history. The history of our nation, our city and our family.

I think I overestimated their ability to really wrap their brains around the fact that the world can be a very dangerous and unimagineably cruel place when it was shown in such graphic detail.

We've talked about it before. We've gone to the Henry Ford exhibit. We go to the Detroit History Museum and read about civil rights. We've talked about the riots but I don't think Maddie was ready to see that it looked like a war in Detroit when she's already afraid everyday of the Iraq war coming here.

There are all kinds of things I've endured in my life that I don't intend to show or tell my kids about until they are old enough to wrap their brains around it.

I have a duty to tell them and show them all those things as a parent. But I also have the responsibility of giving them what they can handle when they can handle it. Determining when that is, is the trick. Determining that age based on the suffering of children all over the world is...just not fair.

I would, if I could, protect all those children from all the suffering I am protecting my own children from for as long as I feel it's appropriate.

To me, images of the cruelty of slavery and torture are no different than telling my children my father shot himself in the mouth after a long and twisted life. It's the truth. I lived through it, and worse from an even younger age and I survived. Does that mean my 8 year old needs to hear it? Or see it?

And we do have those talks about Detroit all the time. Last week at Chelli's Maddie said, "Samantha says people are murdered and eaten in Detroit." And that was a fun discussion full of lots o' propaganda to send back to Sam and her parents.

[dutch]

People are killed and eaten in Detroit. But only people named Samantha.

[Melissa Summers]

Exactly. That's exactly what we sent back to Samantha and her parents.

I hope she enjoys it.

[BOSSY]

Bossy hears the Incest Museum is lovely this time of year, and not too crowded if you begin in the Misogyny Room.

[BarbaraM]

I wanted to comment about your appearance on the Today Show (you were genuine and fabulous), but didn't want to bother with type key at the time. I am so impressed that you took your kids to the African American History Museum, and stayed even though it was horrifying, that I overcame my type-key fear/inertia to tell you so.

I'm sorry that it was more graphic than you had wished. But your kids will be the better for it, and our world a better one for it. These things happened, and they still affect the world we live in today (it really wasn't that long ago). Good for you to brave these uncomfortable feelings with them. They can't help but develop into honest and empathetic people. They have your splendid example.

[nancy]

Which is just one reason why I can't imagine planning a field trip for my kindergarten class this year. On a side note the National Holocaust museum in D.C. has a really nice, children's exhibit, that helps get the point across in an interactive way that is not as overwhelming as the rest of the museum.

[maiareads]

My Gawd, my kids would have nightmares for months if they went there!

[merseydotes]

That would be an intense experience for a grown adult. I've done the permanent exhibit at the Holocaust Memorial Museum here in DC twice, and I've just decided that I can't do it anymore. Standing in a replica of a rail car used to transport victims to concentration camps and standing in front of the pile of shoes worn by Holocaust victims - god, especially the pile of shoes - was just too much for me.

Basil and I struggle with communicating big ideas and details to Petunia all the time. Petunia loves The Sound of Music. Do we need to explain exactly why the Nazis are bad people, or is it okay to just say that they wanted to take people away from their homes? Petunia is going on three and a half; I don't think she could understand murder, much less genocide, so the watered-down (sugar-coated?) message is what we use. We plan to fill in more details as she gets older and can process what we're telling her. And I guess someday I will have to renege on my word and take her through the Holocaust Museum's permanent exhibit so she can get the whole picture. But that will be many years from now...

At least you were there with your kids. Imagine if they had gone as a field trip, and you didn't know exactly what they had seen and what images and experiences stuck in their little brains.

[NoPasaNada]

My father is from Birmingham, AL and used to tell my younger brother and I the BEST STORIES EVER. Especially the one about the little boy, Emmett Till who was beaten beyond recognition for looking at a white woman. And then my father showed me pictures and I did not sleep for months. Oh and those girls who died in Alabama were friends of his.

So I spent my entire childhood thinking that if I went any further south than New Jersey, that someone would beat and/or maim and/or blow me up for being black.

So really, it could be worse.

(P.S. I'd go for cantaloupe before watermelon any day. So we can put that little stereotype to rest)

[De in D.C.]

Of course, VA voted yesterday to express "profound regret" at the state's role in slavery. Where was this apology a hundred years ago, when it would have had at least some relevence?
http://news.aol.com/topnews/articles/_a/virginia-lawmakers-pass-slavery-apology/20070224211409990002?ncid=NWS00010000000001

[Kelsey]

I was once reading my first-grade class a really beautiful Patricia Polacco book about a couple reunited years after they were separated during the Nazi occupation. The book does not really go into the details of their separation, so I figured we'd be safe. Of course one little girl new all about Hitler and jumped right in to explain what happened! Yikes - talk about warning bells and lights going off in my head. It is kind of a blur at this point (it was a few years ago), but I managed to guide a discussion without going into any territory that got me angry parent phone calls. I understand that discussing is different than seeing, which is probably why the kids handled it surprisingly well. I was often amazed by the conversation and content those six and seven year olds were capable of.

Good for you for sharing our history, good and bad with your children. I don't think they'll hold it against you in the long run!

[Jess]

Sounds like you're doing everything just right, even if the visit was deeply colored by their shock. We want to be there to help our kids process through this stuff. For what it's worth, I think you did right by your kids, even if the results were not what you expected. I feel with them, I sure do.

I teach (high school) and when I have taken my students to the Museum, they always respond in particular to the "slave ship" portion of the tour. It's hard for them. They are uncomfortable and disturbed. I just wish I could get them to make the connection that the effects of such horrors are not easily reversed. I'm totally with Dutch on the point about "ongoing history." It seems so blatantly clear that it takes more than several generations and one hundred and fifty years for a population to recover from *systematic* devastation. Can't convince my upper-crusty students of that, though, no matter how many exhibits they see. Most of them appear to have already lost the capability for the *degree* of empathy that your kids have shown. I have very mixed feelings about that. With all due respect to personal opinion... what's too early for such exposure, and what might be "too late"? I have to wonder.

(For those of you tempted to avoid the Museum, if you were unaware, it's been running in the red for years and could really use financial support. Yes, it is a powerful experience worth keeping.)

Regarding all the legal stuff, was anyone aware that our gov. has never designated lynching as a hate crime? That would allow crimes based on race to be prosecuted differently, but every move to change those laws has been filibustered. The Senate's "apology" two(?) years ago on that subject made headlines, but nothing's changed. Apologies and sympathy will have to be enough, I guess. Get out the broom and the rug.... :{

Okay, yes, before I step away from the lectern (or soapbox, as you please!), I'll share this link about children and conflict, which I happened to run into just moments ago. I bet it will be disturbing, but worth it:

http://english.aljazeera.net/NR/exeres/EC9D9CB4-1978-43E1-A91C-4EBB1F77AA3D.htm

Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Melissa.

[Hetty]

Well, what's done is done. Your kiddos might have been a leeetle young for that ... but they're resilient, and now they are aware of things they never thought of before. It's vitally important to teach our kids history; with any luck it will keep them from redoing the worst parts of it.

But teach 'em ALL of history -- the good, the bad, the ugly. Now that they've seen the slave ships, teach them about the white abolitionists who risked life and property (when they absolutely did not have to) to help black people escape that kind of awfulness. If you discuss Hitler's concentration camps and the hideous things that went on there, teach them too about the American soldiers who liberated the camps. Tell it all, not just the PC parts.

[ozma]

I don't know the right age to teach your child about evil but you are right, Melissa that there are some things that young children cannot wrap their heads around. I think we absorb some of the terrible things of history slowly, over time and if we are given the right tools from education and our parents we become courageous enough to face them and work for change. Eventually, my daughter will find out that her great-great grandparents and all their family were killed in the holocaust. It's not like you can ever be ready to know something like that but it is not something I want her to know until she is much, much older. I guess what I hope is that she can face such things without despair (I hope, better than I can) and that when she sees injustice and cruelty as an adult she will know how to stand against them.

[AmandaT]

Hi Melissa, thanks for sharing your experience. My daughter recently turned three, and we had to have a painful People Are Awful to Each Other lesson last year when our home was burglarized. She still talks about The Bad Guys every day, and it breaks my heart. I have to keep trying to find new ways to help her understand what happened, that The Bad Guys are gone and aren't coming back. It's hard. I hope that you will find ways to help your children understand what they saw at the museum, and how we all have to be responsible for our actions. Since you have addressed sterotypes, I also hope that you will continue to teach by example and be mindful of the way you use them yourself. Thanks. I hope you get a break from midwinter break soon!

Sincerely,
Your friend in Kentucky, who feels not at all smug about slavery.

[OMSH]

Perhaps he's confusing being born by c section with being birthed from a kangaroo's pouch. - Seriously? Best line ever.

And? I wouldn't have made it through that display of the horror of our past and I'm 34. I would have bawled like a baby all the way through.

[MommasWorld]

If your Holocaust museum is anything like the one in Washington D.C. I would totally skip it. It was horrifying enough to go through as an adult. Upon admission you receive a card which identifies you as one of the many who went through this horrific ordeal. . It was very real hard to take.

It is tough teaching our children about the horrible things that happened in this country long ago. It does my heart good to know my children do not know the stereotypes. They know all people are equal and should be treated as such. Goes to show you America has come a long way as a nation.

[JustTheMommy]

Thanks for the extra links. I have heard of the watermelon stereotype (sadly, from some of my relatives), but hadn't really given it much thought. The second article by Ms. Davis is a real eye-opener. How sad it is that our society still can make people think twice about eating a piece of fruit. I worry that I am not doing enough for my kids, particularly my 8-year-old son. Sometimes he talks about the "brown people" and how he doesn't like them, but he doesn't know why. I blame our mostly color-less town and myself, and try to talk to him about all colors of people and find ways to expose him to more diversity in life. While a trip through the African American History Museum would probably be a little much for him to absorb, too, I think you are doing right by your kids to open and continue the conversation now. Crying in the night sucks hard, but my guess is that they will remember that trip for a long time and that it will ~eventually~ have a very positive impact for all of you.

[TeriLynn]

A couple thoughts-

1) My boyfriend totally built that exhibit.

2) Add the movie, Jesus Camp, to your Netflix. It's so scary to see what some people will talk to their children about, and how they'll talk about it. I know not all Fundamentalist Christians are that effed up, but it's scary to know that there are those out there.

3) Yeah, give it some time before you take the kids to the Holocaust Memorial. The kids'll friggin' fall apart.

-miao.