I am also sober right now.

Here are some photos of my weekend.

On Saturday we celebrated someone's birthday downtown.

This person who, according to his wife wanted nothing for his birthday. "If nothing's what I want, why can't I have it?"

So we bought him a pacifier. A pacifier for the baby. No, we actually bought him a set of pinup playing cards. And he graciously accepted them because he knew I'd write about what a baby he is if he didn't. Oops. Just did that anyway.

Here is a picture of me doing something weird with my face. A little while ago Dutch pointed out how I always put up really crappy pictures of myself, so that when we met the first time he said, "Wow, photos just don't do her justice." Which is such a nice compliment I've decided to post only really shitty photographs of myself so that when people meet me in real life I am by comparison shockingly beautiful.

Next up! This shot.

I'm not sure what I'm doing here but here's a good guess. After I'd had 3 pints in about 2.5 hours, far too much to make sure I don't kill my children while under my care, the paper lining from my dinner basket was ignited by the candle on the table.

Since women underestimate the effect one drink has on their ability to make sure their children do not perish (according to The Today Show and Dr. Janet Taylor), being incapable of even dialing 911 in an emergency. You would think when my dinner basket ignited I would have been unable to handle the situation.

You might imagine I flopped my body on the ground and waited for the entire bar to go up in flames. God knows I can't care for my children after consuming just one drink, how can I be expected to respond to a FIRE AT MY TABLE!

But hey! The paper ignited and within 1.3 seconds I had blown the fire out with my breath. I know! I can't believe it either. I was actually capable of responding quickly to an emergency, even after 3 pints of beer. Amazing. Thank God no one needed a push on the swing or a cup of juice. God only knows what I would have done then.

(I keep saying I'm moving on but then....bluh. I can't help it. Neither can The Today Show. Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is going back to face off with Dr. Janet Taylor on Tuesday [edit: bumped to Wednesday] morning. She asked me for advice and I begged her to use my anal sex joke and also to come up with a blurb to say over and over much like a robot. I have a feeling the setting will be a little more 'mom friendly' on this round. Plus Stefanie has TV experience so she'll be marvelous, well and also prepared for an ambush.)

The other thing we did this weekend. Finished our crown for the Maya's Mom contest I mentioned.

I'm really glad I asked Logan to help with this because his idea is something I never would have come up with in a million years.

Though it's a little silly to point out, there have been rumblings about how all I talk about is drinking, is she ever sober? This crown was created without a single drop of alcohol consumption.

I'll post pictures of the final product once my camera thaws out. It's really cold here.

Comments

[slouching mom]

Ah, but in the photo of you out for dinner, you have your cell phone(that IS your cell phone, is it not?)at the ready, in case your babysitter has had too much to drink!

What a mom! Always prepared. When my husband and I go out (and when would that be?), we usually forget the cell. And shrug our shoulders -- parents went out long before the advent of the cell phone, right?

OK, you can come and take my children away from me now, DCW.

[Amanda Mae]

Did you see Dooce today? It was very funny, and I thought of you.

A lot of what you say resonates very deeply with me, even though I don't have children, and I hope that no matter what Meredith Viera or DOCTOR JANET TAYLOR say, you know that you have a community that loves you.

[Lori]

I thought of you this morning as I watched the Today show. Meredith Viera was interviewing a number of people about the new HPV vaccine and how it has been mandated for 11 and 12 year old girls in TX. At one point, she argued that it was too new to know if there would be medical repercussions for these girls down the line. The guest (one of them, there were a few) then said, Well, Meredith, I should point out that between the both of us we have three girls, and all three have been vaccinated. Meredith was taken off guard and got just a wee bit snippy, saying Why yes, I did vaccinate my daughter but that's not the point...

Anyway, it seemed like an unscipted moment and I appreciated it.

[Cadbury]

I'm a little confused, though, why it is you seem to be making the crown wilst naked? Do you have other vices that we are not aware of?
I was thinking that maybe you were wearing an off-the-shoulder top, but then your camera froze, so maybe your shoulders would too?
;-)

[Xdm]

You blew the fire out after all that drinking? Your very lucky there wasn't some catastrophic mushroom cloud-like explosion. You all could have died.

Re: the bad photos-- Everybody. Listen to Dutch. He is a very smart man. She is much prettier in person. For some reason she likes to manage expectations.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Once again, you totally rock ;)

[LOD]

I understand the desire for nothing. And I also now have a cheesy beard. It's clear Dutch and I are fusing into the same person.

[Krissa]

Do you know what time the rematch airs, Melissa?

[Emily]

Dude, Dutch is wearing a jacket from the Gap. His street cred has gone so down hill for me.

[dutch]

emily: american apparel. but that's even worse.

[Kyran]

Oh, that's nothing. Why, Holly (Nothing But Bonfires) set her arm on fire just a few weeks ago. Careful, Dutch, I think it was an American Apparel hoodie she had on at the time.

We bloggers are an inflammatory breed.

[christy]

Only brazenly drunkard hussies make things out of pipe cleaners.

[BOSSY]

Well you remembered to both celebrate a birthday and keep your cell phone within close proximity - which is something Bossy can never manage to do. It's like walking and chewing a cell phone at the same time.

[superblondgirl]

I love the crown - I think I'm going to steal the cool pipe cleaner idea to make one for my son. I'm glad that Stefanie (with an f, that's how my baby sister's name is spelled, too! So cool...) is going back on to talk to them again, and I hope it results in... well, in something. A retraction is probably too much to ask for, but maybe a slight apology? A little change of viewpoint? Either way, will you post info on when that's happening or put up a link? Because I'd love to watch it!

[Jenn]

Just to clarify, Stef will be on Wednesday, not Tuesday. It was bumped. I am looking forward to seeing how they handle all of this after the backlash.

[Shannon K.]

So jealous you got to have 3 pints of beer. And doubly jealous that you have a crafty husband. I love all things crafty, and my husband thinks I am insane. He would rather poke his own eye out that walk into a craft store with me, nevermind touching a pipe cleaner!

[maiareads]

Logan, the CRAFT KING!

[Star Shine]

Go Logan...that's some serious creativity!

[Colleen]

Hi! I've been reading for a while... and just love you Melissa. I know you say you're trying to get off the whole topic... and maybe I've actually missed this thought somewhere...but what do you think would be the reaction if Dutch were to come along to your playdates with his daughter, and then (horror of all horrors) he had a glass of wine or a beer? If stay at home dads were involved... then would the drinks be ok? That might have thrown Dr. Janet for a loop.

[Melissa Note: Dutch is a total raging alcoholic. Everyone knows that. Ha ha ha! I'm kidding! The producer of the segment just contacted me and says they will be "discussing many of the interesting issues the feedback raised". So I guess watch tomorrow? Unless it gets bumped.]

[cc]

oh my gosh! when i was reading your post and you mentioned "dr. janet taylor" i nearly spit my mouthful of wine at my screen....your mom is right...her name really is 'genetalia'.....at least that's what i heard in my head. oh, and yeah...i'm drinking a glass of wine, a half of a glass i should say...and i'm a mom......i know, i know.

[Rosalyn]

I read about the Today Show "incident" recently on a local mom's blog. I found it online and watched last night. Whether or not I agree or disagree with you, you were ambushed. I felt so strongly that I wrote to NBC about this interview. Both sides were not talked about, Meredith and the other guest clearly had an opinion and doubled up against you. It was a totally unprofessional interview, and I felt bad for you while watching. One good thing I did get from the interview was the name of your blog. This is my first time to read, and I'm sure I'll check it out again.