I know it's technically her labia.

What happened to Wednesday? At playgroup yesterday, (Snow Day!) where I did not drink. (Just thought I should let you know when I did or did not drink any alcohol so you don't get the impression that all I ever do is drink because it SAYS SO ON THE INTERNET.) Yesterday at playgroup I said, "Why isn't it Thursday yet?"

And voila it is Thursday and I don't even remember Wednesday. I'm like a toddler learning about object permanence.

The last time I wrote I told you that I'd put something new up at The Buzz Off, about 1 minute before I missed my 'Tuesday' deadline. Today I am seven hours earlier! This is progress. Sad and pathetic progress but still. The Buzz Off is about keeping your kids entertained while you eat out. Which is something I enjoy doing with my children because, as you may have noticed, cooking for my family sucks huge amounts of ass. I love them I really do. But my God how can people live in a world where nothing has any flavor?

But then I didn't just want to be rude..."Hello! Go away!"

So I'll tell you this odd little conversation I heard at the airport on my way to New York.

Two older men, 60's and 70's-ish, sit across from me waiting for their flight. They appear to be discussing some health issues one has recently dealt with and the other has dealt with in the past.

Man One: "Well yes so they did a different procedure. They went in through an incision at his hip."

Man Afraid Of His Anatomy: "You mean they didn't go in through his pee-pee?"

I know teaching kids the anatomical words for their sexual organs is a little awkward sometimes. Like, when your three-year-old daughter announces to her uncle that the way he's carrying her on his hip is making his belt "hurt my vagina" causing your brother to burst into flames immediately. Or, say, when your son is in a public restroom with his dad and announces loudly, "I see your hairy PEEEE-NIS!"

I know it's a little embarassing.

But probably not as embarassing as being a 70 year old grown man calling your penis a "pee-pee'.

Comments

[jkopftwins]

oh dear god, i have to come up with a quick explanation as to why i just laughed so hard at work that i'm practically hiccupping.

my twins think it's hysterical to rip open the shower curtain while their dad is showering, scream "I see your peanut!" and run. As funny as I still think it is after 100 times (can't speak for him but, you know, I think it's funny so that's all that matters), I hope we're beyond "peanut" when they're 70.

[AmyS]

I had to get a key made, so I took my kids (4 and 5 at the time) to Meijer. The key making lady was pretty... chesty. My four year old noticed and YELLED "Wow! You have giant nipples!"

And, I couldn't leave because she was holding my entire key ring.

[hello insomnia]

My mom hates the word vagina and prefers to call it a "pancake." This explains why I've always felt uncomfortable at IHOP, where their pancakes are international.

[slouching mom]

WOW. That is pretty bad. 70, you say? Yikes! Wonder what his wife's like. Wonder if they ever figured out how to have kids.

[Millie]

When I was young, we called it a "peeper." Because I grew up in the 70s, this lent itself to HUGE confusion over the eyeglass company's commercial that sang:

"Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those peepers?"

[halfmama]

I agree -- nicknames for body parts give me the creeps. I heard my husband using weird names with our twins once and I put a stop to it RIGHT THERE. It's just not one of those things you discuss before you get married. How many kids you want to have — yes. Where you want to live — yes. What to teach the kids to call their penis/vagina? Uhhh... how did we skip that discussion?

[JT]

Merciful heavens. I'm picturing this 70-year-old man sitting in the urologist's office, not understanding what the doctor means when he talks about the man's penis.

"You're going in through my pee-what?"
"Penis."
"Pee-what??"
*sigh*

[superblondgirl]

That has got to be the most degrading thing, to be old and still feel that you need to call it a pee-pee. My son wouldn't even know what you meant. Though, unfortunately, he does know what teabagging is. And how to do it. So maybe I should have taken a leaf from that man's book, now that I think about it...

[ChristyD]

This is slightly off topic, and perhaps I've missed it in comments or somewhere, but Melissa, have you heard of the book, "Three Martini Playdate?" A friend was raving about it, and I am dying to read it. It's along the lines of "Confessions of a Slacker Mom" apparently. Anyway, thought it might interest you.

[Kevin]

Please know that you are not alone on the cooking for a picky family boat. We have oatmeal, cream of wheat on occasions, and sometimes we get really wild with a bowl of oatmeal!
We are using the words vagina and penis with our kids. However, when it comes to going to the potty it's all wrong. We use immature terms like shooting the stream and dropping the deuce, horrible.

[Lobsterchick]

Kind of off-topic yet on-topic... at the furniture store, my niece when she was three years old: "I BROUGHT MY BUH-GINA WITH ME TODAY MOM, DID YOU BRING YOURS?" "Yes, Evie," my sister whispers, "I have mine with me." "OH GOOD, EVERYONE HAS THEIR BUH-GINAS." Now why would a child never say that about her elbow or her belly button?

[Lobsterchick]

Kind of off-topic yet on-topic... at the furniture store, my niece when she was three years old: "I BROUGHT MY BUH-GINA WITH ME TODAY MOM, DID YOU BRING YOURS?" "Yes, Evie," my sister whispers, "I have mine with me." "OH GOOD, EVERYONE HAS THEIR BUH-GINAS." Now why would a child never say that about her elbow or her belly button?

[angie]

My friend's husband took their son into a public restroom, that was full of course, they went into the stall and the dad was peeing and the son says, "Daddy! You have a big penis! When I get big, I want a big penis like yours! Will my penis get that big like yours?" Her husband kept trying to 'talk' over him so no one would hear. When he came out of the bathroom, she said her husband's face was stark white and he looked like he was going to throw up.

[merseydotes]

The other day I was getting ready to take a shower and was walking around my bedroom in a sports bra. Petunia looked at me and said as someone who's just tasted a fine wine, 'Mama, I like your breasts.'

I said, 'Uh, thanks, honey. I like them too, I guess.'

[Suzanne]

That is hilarious. My 5 year old tells everyone that her Daddy has a hairy ass!!
My neighbors daughter told her Dad that he forgot to dry off his tail when he got out of the shower!

[Womanwithkids]

Boy 2 thought "penis" was the best word ever. He said it often, for no reason, everywhere we went for about a week straight. Fun!

[Sasha]

My 4 year old was going on for days about her grandma's car, saying grandma has two vulvas, one on her body and one that's her car! But my fave is in the store when my 2 and 4 year old want me to cruise by other shoppers so that they can chant, "Mommy wears taxi-pads!"

[flailingmyarms]

we're there now. little-e's mom -- i think, in one of those "...uh, i'll explain that later" moments told e that her vagina was her "bottom." so now we always have to clarify, "do you mean your front bottom, or your back bottom?" because it never seems like the right time to drop the "vagina" bomb. you know.

[Antonia]

Shortly after I had Esme, I was talking with two of my girlfriends (who don't have kids) about labour. Emma said she was worried about tearing "because I have a small noo-noo."

We both looked at her. "Did you just call your vagina a noo-noo?"

"Erm - oh God - yes."

"And it's very small?"

"Yes."

"So it's a nanonoonoo?"