Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Need more pie.

The Buzz Off this week is very fancy. It includes visual aids.

"Okay everyone, we really pulled it out with a one-two punch in 2004 with the lice and summer vacation. But she's getting more and more stable. How can we really up the crazy in the 06-07 school year?"

Once again, sobriety is seriously overrated.

Last night as Logan and I went to bed I checked the Weather Channel just one more time. I looked online for any school closing announcements. My biggest fear last night as I went to bed was there would be a snow day today prolonging the torture that is Midwinter Break.

And I woke up at 7am, checked the school cancellation site and said a little word of thanks to God for saving me from another day of torture. By 8am, I was wishing we'd just had a simple, cost-free, pain-free snow day.

At 7:30 this morning Max wanted to eat something called a 'Breakfast Cookie'. Since there was only one I told him no, not right now. Because I was thinking he could eat it after Maddie went to school and no one would have a fit about how unfair life is. I wouldn't have to tell them, life isn't unfair until you've spent 7 days locked in a house with a couple of people who think stuffing toys in their pants and singing 'I like big butts' is big fun. Until you do that, you can't tell me life isn't fair.

Max didn't like my 'Not Now' answer and wanted to make sure I knew how unhappy he was. So he marched into the kitchen and yanked the snack drawer so hard it came flying off it's track and landed directly on his big toe. When I came into the kitchen to see what stupid thing had happened while Max was angry because he couldn't have the stupid breakfast cookie this minute, I wasn't wearing my glasses so it took me a moment to see that he was bleeding.

A lot.

I suspect if I'd had a little something to drink I may have handled the next 2 hours while we waited for the doctor's office to open a little better. During that time I mainly fumbled around spilling blood on every surface and every towel in the entire house.

He wasn't in a lot of pain but I could not get the bleeding to stop. There was no way to put pressure on it and as you might imagine when a drawer falls directly on your toenail, it involves a lot of blood.

Thankfully our sofa is red.

We made it to the hospital where Max was blissfully unaware of what was about to happen to him. It's at times like these I realize how different my kids are. Madison would have walked into the hospital and immediately gone into 'Worst Case Scenario' mode. She wouldn't see a simple x-ray machine, she would see something she was pretty sure could kill her. (I just can't imagine how she got that trait.....)

Max on the other hand, just takes it as it comes. He was nervous but never crying. We went in for the x rays and when they took his bandages off, I expected him to pretty much freak out because his bloody and battered toe is pretty difficult to look at. But he could have cared less. He stared at it as they got his foot into position and seemed entirely unaware of it's absolute disgusting-ness.

Things were a little more intense once we actually had to surgically remove his entire toenail. The shot to numb his foot caused the most angry sounds to come out of my son's mouth. I kept waiting for a string of "MOTHER FUCKERS" to come out of his mouth. It was that kind of rage. It took 4 separate shots to finally numb his foot enough.

Then he laid quietly waiting for it to be over, every once in a while glancing down at his foot as the doctor put several stiches into his now nail-less toe. Everything around his foot was covered in blood and yet, he looked at the scene with quiet detachment.

As the doctor finished up she told us she would be making a little 'shield' out of a sterile piece of foil to protect the sensitive skin on Max's toe. She sewed it on and unveiled it to Max.

If I looked down and saw a piece of foil sewn onto my toe I would probably pass out or vomit. Max looked down at his new silver toenail and announced, "I'm like a superhero! Super Silver Toenail Man. I fight crime with my silver toenail!"

Super Silver Toenail Man! Saving the world one toenail at a time.

We're home now and Logan and I have a lot less money than we did this morning.

I told Logan Max probably learned a big lesson today. Something about not letting your temper get away from you.

Logan asked if I'd learned anything today. I said, "Like what? Don't say no to Max?"

"No, never ever buy those stupid breakfast cookies."

And I won't. Never again.

Horror Vacation.

This week is making my eyeballs fall out of my head. My kids have gotten increasingly bizarre as they spend days and days together. Max has developed an elaborate story of being born to kangaroos in the state of Australia and riding naked on the backs of koala bears.

If you say, "Actually no, you were born in a hospital about 2 miles from our house, in Royal Oak." He vehemently denies this and becomes furious with you. So for now I've adopted my son from kangaroos in Australia. It's funny though because I do have this scar and I could have sworn he came out of it almost six years ago. Perhaps he's confusing being born by c section with being birthed from a kangaroo's pouch.

Midwinter break is the stupidest break ever. I hate it for existing.

On Thursday I took the kids to the African American History Museum. They'd been begging to go for a while and I thought it would be interesting. It really was but Max has a phobia about talking mannequins. Which, I can't say I blame him. We made it past all the talking mannequins and past the replica of the slave holding cells with mannequins chained in a dark scary cell and onto the replica slave ship which carried all those people to America (and other countries) in hellish conditions. We read about it and heard a recording of a man wailing as he was branded.

And then we heard the story of a woman who was hung upside down for three hours and beaten because she refused to dance naked for the captain and crew of the ship. She died during this attack and when the captain was tried for the crime, he was found 'not guilty', despite alarming evidence otherwise.

And wow, we've talked about the lady who wouldn't dance naked a lot this week. And the branding soundtrack. Sometimes we talk about it late at night while we cry. Wooo!

So after being on the deck of the ship replica, I decided it might be a good idea to, move on, because my kids were having a difficult time taking in all of this information. So was I, but my brain is just slightly bigger and at least a little more able to comprehend the monstrous things human beings can do to one another.

So we went down the stairs, the only way out of the exhibit, under the deck where the slaves were stored like cattle. Worse than cattle. It was dark in the room and on nothing but shelves, bodies were lined up heads out toward the passageway. The sound of the man on deck being branded seemed to be piped into the small chamber. The minute I saw the bodies I knew all hell was about to break loose on my kids. Maddie started to cry, Max covered his eyes and put his coat hood up.

I tried to explain that this was just a replica, this really happened and can you imagine how awful it must have been for those poor people? But these are just mannequins, they're just here to show us how awful it was. But I have to admit, in the dark it felt like we were really looking at bodies piled into a ship. I worried one would be animated like some of the other mannequins in the exhibit and my children would die on the spot.

Pretty much I took my children to a horror show. Which I guess I should have realized it would be because it's a pretty horrific slice of history. But then, as we have established, I'm not always the brightest bulb (please see: "The sink is dirty? We must get a new one!").

We finally made it to the civil rights movement, which was less scary since they know about Martin Luther King Jr. and the march on Washington and Rosa Parks and Ruby Bridges. Of course then we saw video footage of the city of Detroit burning in the riots. Then footage of soldiers in tanks driving along in the street as children watched. And Maddie watched with her mouth hanging open as she realized war actually can come to our country and Wow! I picked a really fun outing for an 8 year old. It got even better when she got to hear about the little girls in Alabama.

It's not that I believe in sugar coating reality for my kids, but I do believe in giving them information as they are able to process it. I'm not convinced the kids were able to process this kind of suffering and violence at 8 and 5 years old.

We survived the "And Still We Rise" exhibit and went into a gallery. Art! I thought. Art won't be so scary! And the kids were ready for some relief and it looked bright and colorful in that gallery so we went in. Oh! This is the "Unmasked! Stereotypes in American Material Culture" exhibit. Okay. How will this go?

We see a notepad attached to a frame made in the shape of a heavy black woman with a mop and a head scarf. Madison looks at it and says, "Oh! That's a cute idea!"

And I am thinking, as other families mill about the exhibit, "Oh. My. God. Explain this! How do I explain this????"

So I explain that the problem with these items is that they make people think that all people with black skin are like this. Are like slaves. Have wide noses and are always looking kind of happy to serve others. I said, "I kind of think a lot of these things were a way for white people to feel okay about treating black people badly."

Maddie looks at me and at the stuff in the glass display and says, "Well if it was a white person instead I think it's a cute idea to have a notepad on top of a person like that."

Well, okay.

There's a whole section devoted to watermelon and African Americans and in explaining to my children why this is offensive I ended up telling them about a stereotype they were previously entirely unaware of.

Madison: "So is it mean to eat watermelon?"
Me: "No. But it's bad to assume someone likes watermelon just because their skin is a certain color."

[To Myself: "Wooo! Good answer! Please let the rest be this easy to explain."]

Next we see a black lawn jockey. Maddie looks and, still trying to understand what the problem is, says, "I think that would be so cute if it was a little white kid you could stick on your lawn for a decoration....like maybe with one of those stone dogs next to him."

Now I've terrified my children with the story of slavery and the often demonic acts of many white Americans and I've given them some stereotypes they never would have come up with on their own to mull over.

Midwinter break is kicking my ass.

I'm thinking over spring break we'll head to the Holocaust Memorial Center for more big fun!

PS: Mississippi? 1995? Really? You didn't feel comfortable formally abolishing slavery until 1995? Could you do me a favor and give it to the US Archivist and make it official? You've had a long time to think it over and it might be a nice gesture. Don't look smug Kentucky, 1972 isn't much better.

Non-Sensical Things My Father Would Say When Losing An Argument

Some nonsensical, others just plain irritating as all hell.

"Play the game [fill in name], just play the game."

"Garbage in, garbage out." (ad nauseum)

"Just keep talking. Keep right on talking...."

"Nope. You're right. You're right. You are absolutely right. You just keep talking and then maybe you'll believe it."

"Keep it up. Keep it up. Keep it up. Keep it up."

"What? I can't hear you? I'm blaring this Jimi Hendrix from my oversized stereo which rattles every window in the house." (He said that, but not in so many words.)

It's Pancake Day! I didn't make it up!

Some people indulge on Fat Tuesday with wild Mardi Gras debauchery.

Let's try pancakes this year...I'm a mother I can't drink! Duh.

Finally, serve your pancakes on these plates. Because, it's true: pancakes make people happy. Unless you have Celiac Disease because then pancakes are slowly trying to kill you. They also might not make you happy if the pancakes are made on the Jesus Pan, in that case they might make you feel a little unnerved. Or pious.

 

I know I know I know I know

I know I said I was done....but you can blame Meredith (not Viera) and Elenor (thanks!) for tipping me off to this video of Meredith Viera, the little tart, on The Daily Show.

First joke: "I wake up at 3 in the morning....have my first drink by 3:15...."

Oh you little weasel Meredith Viera.

Is the reason Meredith is so hesitant to say mothers can function as responsible parents after one or two drinks because she has a drinking problem?

(Disclaimer: I am joking. Unless Meredith Viera wasn't joking and actually does have a 'refresher' to get up in the morning. In which case she is possibly a bad mother and also a raging alcoholic. Otherwise my speculation should be ignored. Oh Meredith, you and I are going to BFF by the time I'm done with this topic.)

Yesterday Isabel from AlphaMom emailed me this link to the Huffington Post. Debra Condren, PhD and author of amBITCHous, relays her experience with an evening news program splicing her long interview into something which did not encompass her book's message or her personal beliefs at all.

My mouth gaped open and I once again praised the lord above that I was not pretaped for that segment because my mouth goes and goes and goes and could easily be spliced together to make it appear that I am in fact advocating motherly drunken orgies.

Which I am clearly advocating, but I didn't want to say that on national television.

There were some striking similarities, right down the follow up email from the producer of the segment.

Condren's post though, points out an even more global issue I tried to get to but ended up frothing at the mouth about my specific issue.

This part really jumped out at me. But maybe that was because I'm drunk!

"Instead, we saw yet another socially sanctioned misogynistic cultural split: nice, lovely, successful woman vs. mean, bitchy, unattractive women. One or the other, with no continuum, no spectrum, nothing in between. Not unlike the Madonna/whore split, or pitting working moms against stay-at-home moms. How very stereotypical--but that's sensationalistic, dumbed down t.v., designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Are we viewers really incapable of intelligent, critical thinking? Is it too much to ask for serious, sophisticated programming that educates rather than sends us slumming?"

Apparently, it is. We have to make it easy for America to know what is good or bad in their eyes by simplifying every issue into a black and a white. And then, they can hurl their anger/judgment/blame at the opposite side, because that is incredibly useful.

I promise this is the last time. Unless someone else sends me a video of Meredith wearing a baby in a Baby Bjorn, cigarette in hand while doing a beer bong. Better yet? Dr. Janet Taylor in a similar situation. If someone sends me that I won't just write about it, I'll come and make out with you.

I know it's technically her labia.

What happened to Wednesday? At playgroup yesterday, (Snow Day!) where I did not drink. (Just thought I should let you know when I did or did not drink any alcohol so you don't get the impression that all I ever do is drink because it SAYS SO ON THE INTERNET.) Yesterday at playgroup I said, "Why isn't it Thursday yet?"

And voila it is Thursday and I don't even remember Wednesday. I'm like a toddler learning about object permanence.

The last time I wrote I told you that I'd put something new up at The Buzz Off, about 1 minute before I missed my 'Tuesday' deadline. Today I am seven hours earlier! This is progress. Sad and pathetic progress but still. The Buzz Off is about keeping your kids entertained while you eat out. Which is something I enjoy doing with my children because, as you may have noticed, cooking for my family sucks huge amounts of ass. I love them I really do. But my God how can people live in a world where nothing has any flavor?

But then I didn't just want to be rude..."Hello! Go away!"

So I'll tell you this odd little conversation I heard at the airport on my way to New York.

Two older men, 60's and 70's-ish, sit across from me waiting for their flight. They appear to be discussing some health issues one has recently dealt with and the other has dealt with in the past.

Man One: "Well yes so they did a different procedure. They went in through an incision at his hip."

Man Afraid Of His Anatomy: "You mean they didn't go in through his pee-pee?"

I know teaching kids the anatomical words for their sexual organs is a little awkward sometimes. Like, when your three-year-old daughter announces to her uncle that the way he's carrying her on his hip is making his belt "hurt my vagina" causing your brother to burst into flames immediately. Or, say, when your son is in a public restroom with his dad and announces loudly, "I see your hairy PEEEE-NIS!"

I know it's a little embarassing.

But probably not as embarassing as being a 70 year old grown man calling your penis a "pee-pee'.

News-Like Product.

I don't usually watch my local news. But I watched it tonight because I was up trying to finish my post for The Buzz Off.

These are the reasons I don't like watching my local news.

On very cold nights, the weather man declares a "Cuddle Alert".

"Coming up next: We test coffee from local shops to find out if your decaf is really decaf." (Dear God, have been getting extra caffeine all this time? I am suing.)

It's snowing here and all night my local newscaster was coming up at every commercial break to declare: "It's snowing! TAKE COVER! We're all going to die!"

It is 11:55pm on Tuesday.

I am supposed to publish the Buzz Off on Tuesday and Thursday. I am technically on deadline but you know I think Tuesday morning is what I'm aiming for. It just took me a while to come up with an idea.

But I did and I found some cute Alphabet themed items. You should think about going to take a look.

Creating a new person vs. staging a house.

This weekend we moved into 'Holy Shit How Is February The Spring Market?' mode....and got busy with our Must Have Done list.

I have 4 bags of stuff (shoes, purses, a boob cupcake pan)(new, unopened....I don't know why I had that but it was time to part) for the Salvation Army. My refrigerator is totally void of all clutter, which you can't believe after seeing this set of pictures. I've reworked all my cupboards to fit all the clutter within them and make it appear as though this is actually plenty of space to live in.

Which it is, you just have to keep on top of your stuff to live in this space.

I felt really good about everything we did this weekend, until Maggie totally showed me up and did this this weekend.

Welcome to the world Henry.

Things I Did Today Right In Front Of My Children Which Could Have Been Disastrous If They Did What I Do.

Things I did, my kids watched (or were nearby) and I don't expect them to do any of these things until they are of age.

Drove a car. Twice.

Balanced my checkbook.

Washed a cashmere sweater.

Organized our tax information.

Tongue kissed another adult.

Drank two diet cokes. (It has ASPARTAME!!!!)

Used a razor to shave my legs.

Took prozac.

Cooked a glob of 'Egg Beaters' over an open flame.

Sliced meat with a very sharp knife.

Wrote a post about head lice at the Buzz Off.

*Later On I Will Also:

Drink a beer with my husband.

Go to a bar with my sister and consume alcohol (I will tell the children I am doing this. They will know....and think it's okay to do that.)

Within feet of my children I will have sex with an adult male within the bonds of holy matrimony.

God, I just hope they never want to cook with Egg Beaters.

What's that godfather line....the 'pulling me back in' one?

I know I said that was my last post about all this. But the Today Show did it again and as we all know I have a pathological need to have the last word. Some day I'll give you the psychoanalytic reason for this but today we need to discuss this one last time. I hope this is the last time.

Best line from this morning's Today Show revisit of the stupid Drink at Playgroup topic [link when available][It's up now.]:

Email question: "My husband and I split a beer at dinner in front of our children....."

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor: "....that's not responsible drinking, both those people need their own beer."

Perfect. Hilarious. Loved It.

My friend elaborated: "Yes, if you can only have half a beer, please work on your tolerance for crying out loud."

She's irish just like me.

Also I loved how Stefani knew not to fall asleep during her appearance. So media savvy that one. I thought you were supposed to close your eyes on tv. I'm from the midwest.

The other thing I thoroughly enjoyed was the part where, during the lead in, Matt Lauer asked Meredith Viera what her opinion about cocktail playdates is. Remember when I said Meredith choked on a turd when I joked about selling my son on Ebay? I think she choked on another when asked for her opinion and actually said, "Well, you're putting me on the spot."

I think I had an orgasm at that point.

I am trying to remain positive about today's revisit of the topic. It was much more a sane and reasonable discussion than the one I had a couple weeks ago. Actual questions were asked of Dr. Janet Taylor, so, you know, that was a welcome and refreshing change.

When asked to defend her opinion that mothers should never drink, even one drink, when they are primary caregivers (which is actually all the time), she realized there were a few holes in her position so maybe she should actually stop being a robot and speak like a human being.

That maybe instead of assuming women are so stupid they don't know how to control themselves, maybe we should do things like "Be aware....." drinking to relieve stress or to self medicate can be a problem.

Yes! Absolutely! Hey! I wanted to have this discussion a couple weeks ago!

According to the producer Dr Janet Taylor did not change her opinion. Which is a lot like saying my appearance would not be a 'debate'. It's like a whole other reality for The Today Show. In The Today Show world I am 110 pounds and 6 feet tall, even though I am not either of those things in The Regular World. I love it there. I wish I could live there. 

I would only like to add this:

When Dr.Janet Taylor was asked why this is such a hot button issue. I disagree that it's entirely a situation where women are very afraid of being called a bad parent.

I think it's a hot button issue because a lot of women are tired of being told the lie. The lie that they are not capable

As Alice said: "We need to be watched. We need to be told what to do. We must be monitored, judged, and corrected."

Main stream media is invested in this message for a variety of reasons someone else could probably dissect more intelligently than I can.

Dr. Janet Taylor's message was meant to be so extreme the first time so that it fanned the flames of the ongoing war between mommies. I suspect, due to her ongoing relationship with The Today Show, she was actually told to be polarizing, and I also suspect today she was told to be a little more reasonable. Today, instead of assuming women can not have a drink and also "be aware" of the signs of problem drinking, she realized it seems, that women are not babies. We can actually "be aware" and not be told that we 'underestimate the effects' of just one drink.

I think there are people who will always think drinking is wrong. There will always be people who can't differentiate between having a few drinks and being drunk and out of control. I think there will always people who associate social drinking with violent alcoholism they may have grown up with. I think there will always be people who believe the best way to teach minors to abstain is to abstain yourself. Those people are wonderful mothers and imperfect people.

I don't think drinking is wrong. I think there is a huge difference between a few drinks and being drunk and out of control. I see a huge difference between social drinking and violent alcoholism. I think modeling responsible drinking is a way to teach your children to be responsible social drinkers when they are of legal age. I am a good mother and an imperfect person as well.

I am tired of The Lie and I know a lot of other people who are as well.

PS: Hey! Meredith would like your jokes. I asked for your jokes a few weeks ago. First they use something remarkably similar to my trademarked logo, now this. Maybe Meredith really wants to be my friend. We'll be like sisters!

I made it....only 8 hours later than I meant to.

New post about Valentine's Day at The Buzz Off.

It's very cold here. The kids and I are trapped inside and I'm having flashbacks to endless summer vacation.

I will put them in a heated bubble and roll them down to school tomorrow if it will make the school district restart classes.

Please....please.....please.....

Table Talk

Tonight at dinner Logan told Maddie our neighbor's puppy (he was two) was hit by a car and died.

Maddie loved Bumper a lot and was really sad to hear this news.

After she'd told us how she felt, we played Table Topics to take her mind off it. The first question was "How are you different than everyone else."

Logan said, "I like to have fun more than a lot of people I know."

Max said, "I can make this sound." (A very realistic hissing sound with his tongue, like a snake. It's totally freakish.)

Maddie said, "I like how I can tell people how I feel and I'm not embarassed."

I like that about her too.

I am also sober right now.

Here are some photos of my weekend.

On Saturday we celebrated someone's birthday downtown.

This person who, according to his wife wanted nothing for his birthday. "If nothing's what I want, why can't I have it?"

So we bought him a pacifier. A pacifier for the baby. No, we actually bought him a set of pinup playing cards. And he graciously accepted them because he knew I'd write about what a baby he is if he didn't. Oops. Just did that anyway.

Here is a picture of me doing something weird with my face. A little while ago Dutch pointed out how I always put up really crappy pictures of myself, so that when we met the first time he said, "Wow, photos just don't do her justice." Which is such a nice compliment I've decided to post only really shitty photographs of myself so that when people meet me in real life I am by comparison shockingly beautiful.

Next up! This shot.

I'm not sure what I'm doing here but here's a good guess. After I'd had 3 pints in about 2.5 hours, far too much to make sure I don't kill my children while under my care, the paper lining from my dinner basket was ignited by the candle on the table.

Since women underestimate the effect one drink has on their ability to make sure their children do not perish (according to The Today Show and Dr. Janet Taylor), being incapable of even dialing 911 in an emergency. You would think when my dinner basket ignited I would have been unable to handle the situation.

You might imagine I flopped my body on the ground and waited for the entire bar to go up in flames. God knows I can't care for my children after consuming just one drink, how can I be expected to respond to a FIRE AT MY TABLE!

But hey! The paper ignited and within 1.3 seconds I had blown the fire out with my breath. I know! I can't believe it either. I was actually capable of responding quickly to an emergency, even after 3 pints of beer. Amazing. Thank God no one needed a push on the swing or a cup of juice. God only knows what I would have done then.

(I keep saying I'm moving on but then....bluh. I can't help it. Neither can The Today Show. Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is going back to face off with Dr. Janet Taylor on Tuesday [edit: bumped to Wednesday] morning. She asked me for advice and I begged her to use my anal sex joke and also to come up with a blurb to say over and over much like a robot. I have a feeling the setting will be a little more 'mom friendly' on this round. Plus Stefanie has TV experience so she'll be marvelous, well and also prepared for an ambush.)

The other thing we did this weekend. Finished our crown for the Maya's Mom contest I mentioned.

I'm really glad I asked Logan to help with this because his idea is something I never would have come up with in a million years.

Though it's a little silly to point out, there have been rumblings about how all I talk about is drinking, is she ever sober? This crown was created without a single drop of alcohol consumption.

I'll post pictures of the final product once my camera thaws out. It's really cold here.

Contest at Maya's Mom.

If you ever want me to do something important, just you know don't because I suck.

A long time ago Charlene, asked me if I'd be willing to make a crown as a prize for a contest they're having over at Maya's Mom. I said, 'Hey, sure Logan would love to. Logan loves when I sign him up to create crafts for other people."

You can read all about the contest here and learn how to enter here and if you don't want a crown made by Jay Allen or Logan Summers you can also get a bunch of commercial goods you might like. If you're into that sort of thing.

We went shopping today for our crown supplies and I can assure you it will be full of love and not a drop of alcohol. However, we might be full of alcohol while we make the crown...and The Today Show will be covering the Hot Topic next week: "Crafting: Under The Influence....What about the glue gun?"

They also give out free clearasil!

Meredith Viera is totally kicking herself for not having my friend Heather on to talk about her playgroup.

I talked to Leah Peterson who has written a little something at The Huffington Post. The last three paragraphs are worth considering. I was honestly so naive to believe a producer, when all reason tells you how television works.

Meredith Viera has also spoken up. I'm referred to as "our mom", you rule Meredith!

When I was trying to organize childcare last week, I'd hoped Logan could take a day off, but it was in his first week of work so it felt a little soon. He could have explained why he needed the time off and I'm sure they'd have understood. But then he'd be telling them about my website, and he wasn't quite ready for that.

Of course that same day he got an email from a new coworker. "Hey, my wife cocktails too."

He found the site by googling so no more talking about Logan's crush on Lindsay Lohan and we're definitely not talking about anal sex or the arguments we have because that type of thing will make Logan really uncomfortable at work.

Oh wait, shoot. I just did it again.

Logan's loving his new job. When he started my friend said, "Wouldn't it be great if he ended up working with a lot of older people who don't go out so much?"

Because Logan has a strong desire to be 'out' and sometimes Logan forgets that being 'out' costs money. Sometimes he even picks up the tab for 5 other people's drinks as well as his own. And then I spent two weeks pointing out everything we *could have* bought if he hadn't bought an evening's worth of drinks for 5 people.

But we're past all that now. Shit, I just did it again. I can't write without embarrassing my husband.

The funny thing is, Logan is maybe the oldest person at his new office. I think the owner just had his bar mitzvah and I think his boss is 14. In fact, we might be fine on the social outing front because no one Logan works with is of age I think.

There are video games and subsidized lunches (no one can drive to get lunch, they're not old enough), free soda, a zoo membership and a plastic spider which is involved in a game called 'Chuck the Spider At People On Your Team'. So Logan's really comfortable there, with adolescents.

He's very happy there and likes the work and it's not automotive so I don't have to have a heart attack every time the Big Three lays off more people and cuts budgets. It's also literally 6 minutes (all side streets) from our house so he can come home for a midday romp in the sack.

Shit. I just did it again.

Tonight I am going to a happy hour with Logan and without children. Like a real adult. I kind of want to make another penis joke here but I know it's getting old. Just ask Logan how old it's getting. Let's just take a moment to say 'Thank You' to Logan for being around to keep me from humiliating myself by succumbing to alcohol poisoning.

Another reason to love Logan's office is someone posted a note on a message board and she likes to babysit. We've paid a babysitter about 10 times in 8+ years. It's not that I haven't wanted to hire a babysitter, it's just that we have family who can't say no. I'm also embarassed to say I get really nervous about bringing a new babysitter here. My kids are now old enough I shouldn't get the anxiety I used to, "What if she doesn't know where the diapers are!" "What if she can't get Maddie to stay in bed!"

Now I have vague worries about her not liking my kids or not being fun. Or her finding all our porn. Or what if she DRINKS ALL THE LIQUOR IN OUR BAR?

But now I know I shouldn't worry about that. If I want to have the freedom to drink while I'm a mother, my babysitter deserves that same freedom. A babysitter is just like me, only paid!

Fingers crossed it goes well. A 23 year old sitter, who likes my kids could mean Logan and I could possibly leave the kids with her to go away for the weekend all alone. It's been three years.

Which isn't a lot to some people who actually love their kids and aren't selfish monsters. But as we all know I don't love my kids and I am a selfish monster.

Moving on...sort of.

I finally stopped drinking long enough to write at the Buzz Off.

It's not about The Today Show but I can't help but put in a couple of digs because that's how I am. Surprise!

You can read it here.

And promise me, if you ever run into Meredith Viera will you ask her to make out an autograph to me reading as I suggested in the piece? Please? Just tell her her biggest fan wants a little something to remember her by.