Once again, sobriety is seriously overrated.

Last night as Logan and I went to bed I checked the Weather Channel just one more time. I looked online for any school closing announcements. My biggest fear last night as I went to bed was there would be a snow day today prolonging the torture that is Midwinter Break.

And I woke up at 7am, checked the school cancellation site and said a little word of thanks to God for saving me from another day of torture. By 8am, I was wishing we'd just had a simple, cost-free, pain-free snow day.

At 7:30 this morning Max wanted to eat something called a 'Breakfast Cookie'. Since there was only one I told him no, not right now. Because I was thinking he could eat it after Maddie went to school and no one would have a fit about how unfair life is. I wouldn't have to tell them, life isn't unfair until you've spent 7 days locked in a house with a couple of people who think stuffing toys in their pants and singing 'I like big butts' is big fun. Until you do that, you can't tell me life isn't fair.

Max didn't like my 'Not Now' answer and wanted to make sure I knew how unhappy he was. So he marched into the kitchen and yanked the snack drawer so hard it came flying off it's track and landed directly on his big toe. When I came into the kitchen to see what stupid thing had happened while Max was angry because he couldn't have the stupid breakfast cookie this minute, I wasn't wearing my glasses so it took me a moment to see that he was bleeding.

A lot.

I suspect if I'd had a little something to drink I may have handled the next 2 hours while we waited for the doctor's office to open a little better. During that time I mainly fumbled around spilling blood on every surface and every towel in the entire house.

He wasn't in a lot of pain but I could not get the bleeding to stop. There was no way to put pressure on it and as you might imagine when a drawer falls directly on your toenail, it involves a lot of blood.

Thankfully our sofa is red.

We made it to the hospital where Max was blissfully unaware of what was about to happen to him. It's at times like these I realize how different my kids are. Madison would have walked into the hospital and immediately gone into 'Worst Case Scenario' mode. She wouldn't see a simple x-ray machine, she would see something she was pretty sure could kill her. (I just can't imagine how she got that trait.....)

Max on the other hand, just takes it as it comes. He was nervous but never crying. We went in for the x rays and when they took his bandages off, I expected him to pretty much freak out because his bloody and battered toe is pretty difficult to look at. But he could have cared less. He stared at it as they got his foot into position and seemed entirely unaware of it's absolute disgusting-ness.

Things were a little more intense once we actually had to surgically remove his entire toenail. The shot to numb his foot caused the most angry sounds to come out of my son's mouth. I kept waiting for a string of "MOTHER FUCKERS" to come out of his mouth. It was that kind of rage. It took 4 separate shots to finally numb his foot enough.

Then he laid quietly waiting for it to be over, every once in a while glancing down at his foot as the doctor put several stiches into his now nail-less toe. Everything around his foot was covered in blood and yet, he looked at the scene with quiet detachment.

As the doctor finished up she told us she would be making a little 'shield' out of a sterile piece of foil to protect the sensitive skin on Max's toe. She sewed it on and unveiled it to Max.

If I looked down and saw a piece of foil sewn onto my toe I would probably pass out or vomit. Max looked down at his new silver toenail and announced, "I'm like a superhero! Super Silver Toenail Man. I fight crime with my silver toenail!"

Super Silver Toenail Man! Saving the world one toenail at a time.

We're home now and Logan and I have a lot less money than we did this morning.

I told Logan Max probably learned a big lesson today. Something about not letting your temper get away from you.

Logan asked if I'd learned anything today. I said, "Like what? Don't say no to Max?"

"No, never ever buy those stupid breakfast cookies."

And I won't. Never again.

Comments

[AmyB]

Wow, it sounds like Max is such a trooper. Super Silver Toenail Man has a seriously positive outlook on life!

As a sidenote, my husband had a run-in with a Haloween pumpkin that was sitting in the middle of our hallway one dark morning (why was there a pumpkin in our hallway? We're not really very organized, I guess). But the pumpkin split his toenail all the way down, and I'm still waiting for the disgusting nail that was left to fall off. I'm wishing I had known that you can have your toenail surgically removed, because I'm guessing a shiny new silver one is a lot easier to look at than a 4-month old dead yellow one.

Sorry that happened to Max, though!

Amy

[Monkee]

Well, it could have been worse. It could have been the African American History Museum outing.

[Susan]

Dear god now I need a drink.

[Lisa]

Wow, just reading that made me squirm. Max is one strong superhero.

[justanothermommyblog@blogger]

Uuugggghhrhrhhrhh .... Be glad it was him, not Madison. That is just icky. Poor kid. Poor MOM!

[slouching mom]

Oh, so it's the BREAKFAST SQUARES that are making my kids act so disgustingly lately. Thanks for passing that on; I will herewith banish them from my house.

I'm sorry about Max's toe! And the blood! And the towels! And all of it happening on the morning you needed to be free!

We had a two-hour delay here, but no ER trip. I guess all things considered, I'll take the delay.

I think Max is on to something with 'Super Silver Toenail Man'. That could be your ticket out of your neighborhood right there. DC Comics, are you reading?

[empressofdirt]

Make mine a double. Glad your boy is indeed a superhero.

Pardon my Canadian Ignoramousness, but did you return home with less money because you had to pay for your hospital visit?

When you said Logan asked if you had learned anything today, my first thought was: ya, you need some drawer stops on those kitchen drawers. lol.

[exasperatrix]

I'm totally stealing that idea for Halloween (if the writers of Heroes don't steal it first).

[Pam Anderson]

Speaking of drunk and toenails....I lost my big toe's nail last July at Lake Tahoe because I was a wee bit drunk on a couple of Waboritas after a Mellencamp concert. I was gushing bright red blood all over the casino's purty carpet. I didn't go to the ER; I just let it fall off gradually. *chicken*

PS My kids were not present in my toe-bashing drunken state. I left them home alone.

[Pam Anderson]

Oh! And you sooo have to flickr a pic of his silver toe! That rocks!

[BOSSY]

Wait - you have a SNACK DRAWER?

[Kelly Ferry]

ack! poor max! damn breakfast cookies. Hope it heals quickly.

[MelissaS]

I'm either dropping a grand on Cobra or whatever out of pocket this little trip cost.

All for 4 f-ing days between our old insurance and the new insurance with Logan's job (March 1st.) GOD DAMN IT.

There are drawer stops. Logan and I tested the drawers to see how the hell he did it. We couldn't get them to unlatch. Superheros have strength they can't control I guess.

Either that or it was a fluke.

[Cinders]

Forget about if it happened to me - I feel faint just reading about it! Thank God everytime one of my children have been hurt my husband has been there to deal with the blood. Passing out would not be beneficial for anyone.

Hope tomorrow is a better day.

[OMSH]

I'm literally wincing reading through this - it hurts me to read. OUCH! There truly is no end to these types of things. It seems like we hop from one to another - perhaps that is why blogging is so therapeutic.

[Lori MacBlogger]

Ugh! I'm so sorry! What a morning!

When I was maybe 7 years old I was taking a bath when a piece of the stuff that keeps you from sliding in the bathtub came loose from the tub and slid right under my big toenail. I screamed bloody murder, and my mom came rushing up the stairs thinking that I must have been electrocuted or something. She called my dad and they took me to the emergency room, where I think they did something fairly similar to what Max went through. Once I didn't have to look at the blood anymore, I was fine, but to this day I still cringe when I think of that story. So, um, thanks. :)

[SuburbanTurmoil]

Good. Lord.

[maiareads]

UGh! You are a lot stronger than I (and Max apparently stronger than both of us) as I would have probably seriously lost it. Just reading your account made me squeamish and wrinkling my face into a knot. And in need of more wine.

[superblondgirl]

That's gross yet incredibly cool. The foil toenail is just great, plus his reaction to it -- priceless. That SUCKS that he had to do this before your insurance became effective. NOT FAIR.

[3togetready]

Good luck to Max! Accidents are no fun for anyone, even if you do end up with an awesome silver toenail.

I feel for you with the ER costs. Last August our 7-yr-old fell off the monkey bars and broke his arm. Even with insurance our portion was $700+, not counting return doctor visits or prescriptions. Yarg.

[Elise Foreman Carter]

"We're home now and Logan and I have a lot less money than we did this morning"

Oh, that made me laugh. A lot.

[gorillabuns]

this reminds me of the time my one and a half year old dropped a full bottle of corona on her big toe. i kissed the black toe and kept on drinking.

[Shannon K.]

Ouch!!! I LOVE his response though. . .leave it up to a boy to make something icky sound cool. I SO hear you on the insurance thing. I cracked a crown last year and had to have a root canal and replacement crown put on. The day after I shelled out $1000 for the root canal my husband came home and informed me we were getting dental insurance through his job, effective that day. They wouldn't pay for the crown either since it was pre-existing. The second 1000, when you have dental insurance you are not using REALLY hurts. $2000 could have bought me a lot of Vicodin to make it through those 24 hours.

[Lee]

This should make you feel better:

http://ayearinthelifeoflee.blogspot.com/2006/04/ouch.html

Make sure you click to embiggen.

Hope he feels better!

[PK]

Oh...suckage, honey. Hope you feel better (Max is obviously right as rain already).

[Xdm]

I already left a little story on the Flickr photo and now that I know what's going on, here's the rest of it...
My mom (former nurse) never took me to the hospital because, "what do they know. Stupid Doctors. Nurses do all the work anyway and doctorsmakeallthemoneybastards you'renevergoingtobeanurse!!!"
When my toenail filled with blood and turned black, my mother relieved the pressure under it by lighting the end of a paperclip to a white-hot point and burning a hole through the nail. (mm... i love the smell of burning dead flesh in the morning...) Black blood geisered and I bit down on a wallet, or something. My momma didn't raise no pussy. (You sure max ain't one of hers?) The toenail eventually fell off while I was swimming at a local pool. I remeber being bummed because I wnated to save it.

[linda]

Wow. I can't believe you did all that for a toe nail. You are such a better mother than me- or you had a really bad triage nurse on the phone.

[MelissaS]

No "Linda", I didn't do all that for a toe nail.

I also didn't deal with a bad triage nurse, I dealt with my pediatrician.

It's called a Subungal Hematoma. If more than 25% of the nail bed is affected by the hematoma then medical attention is required because the pain is excruciating as pressure behind the damaged toenail builds. Less than 25% damage is most likely to heal on it's own in a week or two.

You can educate yourself here:
http://www.emedicinehealth.com/subungual_hematoma_bleeding_under_nail/article_em.htm

I am a better mother than you if you wouldn't go through all that when your child's toe is completely blackened and bleeding for several hours. But I have a feeling you'd do the same thing if your child was in pain.

[zhanae]

Holy hell. SEWING foil to the TOENAIL BED! That makes me wiggle around like crazy, trying to get the heebie-jeebies out. Geesh.

What a week, you poor thing! I think that definitely calls for a 10 a.m. cocktail.

[micheled]

Bet right now you wish you had a snow day instead. We did.

This happened to me once in college. Only it was both of my big toes. And I had to wait for months (into the summer) for the toe nails to drop off on their own. Not a good time to have a job at a swimming pool. At the time it happened, the doctor said he'd never seen bruising show up on an x-ray. Glad I could broaden your horizons, doc!

[Xdm]

You didn't over react. Smashed toes hurt like a motherf-cker. It's less painful just to cut the damn thing off.
(Did I mention that my mother re-set my brother's broken nose in the midle of a soccer game? And made him keep playing? And you wonder why I'm all kinds of effed up...)

[dutch]

damn, Irish nurses are cray-zey!

[jkopftwins]

owwwwwww!
(but I bet being a silver-toenailed superhero would be even so much cooler if only it were summer and Max could be flashing his superhero-powered toe in some sandals.)
my sympathies on the ER, too --

[Tina K.]

Something very similar happened to my daughter, the removal of the nail, that was mostly hanging off anyway, and then stitches across the nail bed where the top part of the nail had cut into it. And yes, I remember the gusher (six years, seems like yesterday). It wasn't a drawer though, but a bunk bed side board that fell. The only remaining sign is that the nail grew back in a little funny and she has to keep it really short to keep it from getting ingrown, so watch for that. My heart goes out to you...

[FishyGirl]

My 5year old dropped a vise on his foot back around september or so, and because it stopped bleeding and seemed okay we didn't do the hospital/removal thing. It fell off on its own back around december; now he has this thick icky toe thing that looks like it's going to fall off again sometime soon here. You went the better route, I'm sure, because your son gets to be a superhero instead of Icky Toe. Glad he took it so well, and so sorry you had to go through it - the whole insurance thing sucks donkey balls sideways.

[HoorayForSaturday]

I lost one of my toenails way back when there were no foil replacements. I had to walk around school in a pair of Pro-Keds with the toe cut out for a couple of weeks.
So thank hooray for foil toenails, I would imagine the conversation is a lot better with a super foil toenail, instead of cheap sneakers with the toe cut out.
Did the he ever get the breakfast cookie? And what the hell are they?

[Danielle]

I feel for him. I cut my palm close to my thumb a few years ago and had to have 8 shots in it to numb everything. I did drop a few f-bombs on that one. I almost kicked the doctor in the head. I love the foil nail. That's awesome!

[Hetty]

Poor Max! At least he got a silver toenail out of the deal. All you got was about five years off your life expectancy....

I utterly and completely sympathize with him about the shots to the foot. I stabbed my hand last summer trying to open up an avocado (the knife nearly came out the other side!) but when we went in to Emergency to get it stitched, the unbuffered lydocaine that they used on my hand nearly made me go through the roof! It hurt MUCH WORSE than stabbing myself! I also dropped some vehement F-bombs in front of the primly disapproving doctor. Another doc told me later that you should always, ALWAYS buffer lydocaine. He practically called the doc who used unbuffered lydocaine a barbarian. So you have to cut Max some slack on that.

[Sarah Brown]

I read all of these comments hoping to learn more about the breakfast cookie, to no avail.

[michelle lamar]

I so feel your pain. This winter there were days I almost cried when I found out there was a snow day! And then to have to go to the ER. I feel your pain..and his. Spring has got to come soon!