Things I Did Today Right In Front Of My Children Which Could Have Been Disastrous If They Did What I Do.

Things I did, my kids watched (or were nearby) and I don't expect them to do any of these things until they are of age.

Drove a car. Twice.

Balanced my checkbook.

Washed a cashmere sweater.

Organized our tax information.

Tongue kissed another adult.

Drank two diet cokes. (It has ASPARTAME!!!!)

Used a razor to shave my legs.

Took prozac.

Cooked a glob of 'Egg Beaters' over an open flame.

Sliced meat with a very sharp knife.

Wrote a post about head lice at the Buzz Off.

*Later On I Will Also:

Drink a beer with my husband.

Go to a bar with my sister and consume alcohol (I will tell the children I am doing this. They will know....and think it's okay to do that.)

Within feet of my children I will have sex with an adult male within the bonds of holy matrimony.

God, I just hope they never want to cook with Egg Beaters.

Comments

[virginia]

I can generally predict when I'll be having a beer with my husband but sex? A total crapshoot! I must know the secret to so much confidence!

[Melissa Summers]

It's just been a while and I've been in the mood for a while.

[slouching mom]

Today, in front of my impressionable five-year-old son, I let the Maytag man into my house! And he fixed my washing machine. So I told him he was the best Maytag man ever. Right in front of Jack, who will no doubt tell my husband each sordid detail.

[Melissa Summers]

Did you ever think if your child watches a Maytag Man fixing your washing machine...your child will MODEL THAT BEHAVIOR and probably electrocute himself.

God. The Today Show has it's next topic I'm sure. All of these children are in grave danger.

[bgirl]

Dr. Janet Taylor would never turn the oven on in front of her children. Would you let your nanny turn the oven on? Then why should you get to do it?

[teresa]

you balanced a checkbook! color me impressed. i rely on our online account to do that for me. i run a rough, very rough, running total in my head.

i am by no means a drug crazed, free love hippy but i have found throughout the years having to hold back certain things about our family life from people i know only vaguely well (like kids friends parents) : our twin sons still sleep with us, i still bathe with said three year old twin BOYS, i let my 11 year old watch South Park, we are atheists...

i have to admit one of my testers to whether i am going to hit it off with someone is whether or not they have beer in their home.
i had my daughter when i was 19 and so i was just so out of the loop of other parents. i wasn't aware of all the 'right' things to do because my peer group wasn't having kids. it is so weird now that those people who were around my kid in their early 20's now that they have young kids what crazy ideas they get. Now with my twins i am around the same age as other parents and they drive me bonkers. i already raised one to almost out of the house I don't get all excited about the stuff they do: lessons, etc. etc.

did i digress? sorry.

[AmyS]

Today I made an international purchase with my credit card (Sent some sympathy flowers to a friend in The Netherlands), and because of my night job, I'll probably end up talking to some cops and facilitating a rape kit at two o'clock in the morning.

I'm pretty sure neither of these things is approprate for an 8 year old to be doing, but, I trust her ability to tell the difference between things I do and things she's allowed to do.

This weekend, though, I'm totally making my kids some a pitcher of margaritas.

[Leah]

I think you should patent a Suburban Bliss drinking game: take a shot every time you do something adult.

[JP]

Sex...well, okay. But the beer?!

Shocking.

[misslizzie]

For real, I'm glad you didn't really stop talking about it. The last few posts have been priceless. Thanks for the laughs!

[pnuts mama]

i crossed a busy street (ok, jaywalked) without any supervision (besides my own! agh!), had a gigantic coffee-espresso beverage, made grilled cheese (on the stove! a gas stove!) and wrote part of a chapter for some grad work.

to be fair, my kid did a few things all by herself, too. she pooped in her diaper (twice!), ate some apple slices with no peel, watched elmo's world, and yelled the same word over and over again (mommy) for about 20 minutes.

your evening sounds like a plan. a very good plan. a plan that may be copied here. except the eggbeater part. that would be crazy.

[NoPasaNada]

What if they see you washing the cashmere sweater and they don't pay attention and then they do it and it SHRINKS?!?! Then what??

[Melissa Summers]

Heather! That's what I'm talking about!

They are clearly not old enough to wash a cashmere sweater and yet....I do it all the time. Right in front of them where they will learn to 'imitate me' and then what?

THEY SHRINK YOUR SWEATER!!!!

Next Week On Today With Meredith 'TeeTotaler' Viera: "Women with the audacity to wash cashmere in front of impressionable children. Not only distracted from parenting also putting their children at risk."

"What if the children fell down the stairs while they washed that cashmere sweater? What then? Is that cashmere sweater worth it? If you wanted to do laundry, why did you have children?"

[ShelFish'sDad]

Sex tonight....wait one minute! Meredith, could you please get my wife pissed at you!

[toyfoto]

Wait, wait ... As long as the man you're having a coital interaction with ISN'T wearing your cashmere sweater, I'm sure Meredith won't have a problem.

[silvermine]

LOL! Awesome. :)

[christy]

Oh fun! Here's my list:

- Listened to music with dirty words in it.

- Walked across a college campus and bought my own lunch.

- Browsed the intarwebs.

- Used a cell phone (complete with cancer causing super rays).

- Walked in a parking lot without holding anyone's hand.

[LaLaTS]

Obviously this is your blog and you can write about any subject you wish, but personally I wish we could move on from the Today show episode. You made valid and well-spoken points in the beginning, and I agreed with you totally. In my opinion, though, continuing to rehash the matter post after post only gives "them" (the naysayers) more of a forum.

There are so many topics out there and you do them so well, can't we put this one aside?

[Melissa Note: Here's the problem. I always write what's on my mind. I'd started to put this away in my mind....but then it aired again Wednesday and I've gotten another flurry of email and so, it's on my mind again. My mind isn't controlled by the whims of the internet. This website is a chronicle of me beating dead horse after dead horse. This is nothing new. I'm childish and immature. Duh.]

[bohemian girl]

my friend Andrea (superhero) pointed me in your direction today. i just LOVE your humor, girl.

i'll be back.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

LaLaTS: personally, I want to see Melissa BEAT THIS ONE TO DEATH.

[Melissa Summers]

I am so close. I'm going to kick it in the teeth and then do a full body slam on it next.

I love blogs! Wooo!

[shelley]

i drank a large latte today. is that bad? in front of a 6 year old. maybe i should find a healthier way to wake up in the mornings. or wait until she goes to school to drink it...

(LaLaTS: there are plenty of other blogs if you'd rather read someone else obsessing about something less funny.)

[OMSH]

I cut the cheese.

Literally and figuratively.

Man, I hope they don't do that.

[sarahtk]

Mrs. Kennedy wrote: "LaLaTS, personally, I want to see Melissa BEAT THIS ONE TO DEATH."

Mrs. Kennedy, you are undoubtedly in the right place.

[chris]

I don't think you are nearly done with this topic.

Please. I am not ready to give it up.

[Linda]

I could give myself nightmares if I think to much of what I did in front of them or in the next room! I'd rather think that they will forgive me for all that they saw or heard. Hopefully they don't do it in front of theirs..

[kerry lynn]

i purchased drugs [from a man in a white coat]

i came home and took said drugs [in front of the kids]

now i'm gonna have a glass of wine, while the aforementioned drugs are still in my system, and maybe get a buzz.

all [of course] while ebing alone, in my home, with my children [and with no liver-penis in sight until 10pm]

woo-hoo

beat it til it bleeds!!

[Shannon K.]

OMG you freaking crack me up. Keep beating my friend, you do it too well to move on quickly.

[Kristen]

I never understood how the people who think parents should never have a drink make it through parenthood WITHOUT all the liquor. ; ) Or maybe they're just closet alcoholics?!!!

[Rosie]

And still with the Today Show stuff? *sigh* Melissa, I stand behind you and agree with you, but I cannot read one more whiny word on the subject. I'll be back in a few weeks to see if this has blown over!

[Melissa Note: Hey! There's an idea! You don't need to make an announcement. It's cool if you just, you know, read what you choose. I'm not whining, but I detect a hint of whining from you in this comment.]

[Womanwithkids]

Your recklessness astounds me. I mean, hello? Washing a cashmere sweater? You are just totally Out Of Control.

Why don't you go have a drink to calm down.

[Crazydazymom]

Melissa - please please please keep being your hysterical self and beat this to death and then some! Loving your posts... Today is our happy hour playdate and I am going to raise a glass in your honor. Cheers!!!!

[Notredame9207]

I agree with Mrs. Kennedy......go for it!
As for LaLa (wasn't that a TeleTubbie) and Rosie (obviously O'Donnell), you are in the WRONG place ladies.....that's the beauty of the internet......

doin' what-cha want....what'cha waaaaaaant!!!

[Darla]

A sharp knife!? My husband doesn't even let me use those.

I operated a power drill to hang wine racks from the CEILING. In front of a friends 3-year-old.

I used a microwave, with it's evil cancer causing cells, without assistance.

I talked on the phone, in front of my 4 and 7 year-old nephews, while pumping gas into my car. (Gosh - I hope they don't think they're old enough to pump gas.)

I think you should have a drink to celebrate each commenter's adult and unsupervised actions.

Perhaps certain get-off-your-Today-show-high-horse readers should first attempt to get on the Today show and be lambasted my Meredith Viera in front of thousands of viewers and than see how long it takes them to repress the fury. You are handling this marvelously AND .. AND .. with a sense of humor.

You go girl!

[m.]

In related news, today I was flipping through the Feb. issue of Family Circle, and who do you suppose has an ad/assvice column? Yup, Dr. Janet Taylor! I may have missed this tidbit in the thousands of earlier comments, but come on, this is a prime opportunity! I plan to write in several variations on the question, "I am a robot. Will I short circuit if I spill sangria on myself at the upcoming Mommy & Me Pubcrawl?" Under ridiculous fake names, of course. ;)

[sundayschoolrebelsam]

Beat this one to death. Besides, it's really funny at this point. It obviously caused a stir over at the Today show, you know that show I no longer watch, out of protest? Really, Meredith used to be so much fun on the View, I don't know what happened at Today. Maybe she's absolutely petrified? Scared funless?

I will do all sorts of things today and tonight, whilst carrying my unborn child. Oh, the possibilities! I may even eat some junk food! Or fast food! Perhaps both!

[Delton]

First of all, why stop? It's funny!

Second, you haven't taught them to balance your checkbook for you? Get a move on! I learned to do this job for my parents at an early age. Besides, in your constant inebriated state, it's probably safer to have the kids handling the money anyway. In fact, maybe they should start driving you around too, for safety's sake.

[peach_linen]

I can just feel the naysayers and Dr. Janet Taylor responding, "But you shaving your legs doesn't immediately endanger your child, like drinking does." To which I then say, "What if I cut myself while shaving and bleed to death all over the floor, what then?" "Or what if the stove explodes and sends shrapnel through the house?"

Just giving you the next step, Melissa. You totally rock.

[Melissa Summers]

No, see a drink doesn't immediately endanger your child. Your distraction is what endangers your child, your delayed response due to the drink is the danger.

Doing *anything* which takes your eyeballs off your child IS DEADLY!!!!!!

Once while I showered, our cat scratched Madison's eye and it was very bloody....It was clearly my fault for showering and not monitoring my child at all times.

If I wanted to shower I shouldn't have had a child! Everyone knows that!

[Melinda L. Wentzel aka Planet Mom]

Hey, it's noon somewhere, right? Pass the bottle.

As for the Today Show topic...it appears to have legs...even still. I say, "Run with it then!" It has been deliciously entertaining thus far.

[metrochic]

Hey, don't tell this to Dr. Janet (she sounds more like a sex therapist when I call her that and thereby seems less robotic in my little brain) but I have also done the tongue kissing in front of my child. I thought I was showing her that I love her father enough to slip him a wet one, but all I did was introduce her to the dirty practice of spit-swapping.

One day, as I went to tuck her in to bed, she wanted to give me a kiss and tried to poke out her little tongue. I stopped and asked what she was doing and said, "That's how you and Daddy kiss, so I thought it was the right way." Since I am SUCH a responsible parent, I immediately told her that only dirty grown-ups do that and she couldn't slip her mom tongue. What happened next was simply brilliant. She said, "Oh" and went on about her business. EARTH SHATTERING! All I'm sayin' is be careful with that dangerous behavior! WON'T SOMEONE THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

PS -- I will say a little prayer tonight about the Egg Beaters thing. Poor children.

[madge]

So what about driving? One would hope you are distracted enough from your children to operate the vehicle. But when you are distracted from your children, then you are endangering your them. But if you are focused on your children and not your driving, you are endangering your children AND innocent civilians!!!

THERE IS NO END TO THE ENDANGERING! AHHHHHH!

[madge]

Uh, them. You are endangering them.

Hmm. Perhaps if I were a robot, I would proofread better...

[Crouching Hamster]

You can wash cashmere?!

[Flaneuse De Vivre]

Hilarious. I'm not quite ready to let this one go yet either...

[JustTheMommy]

I can't seem to let go of this either. The whole uproar just makes me sad for all of us mommies. I'm reminded of a quote from the past: "Can't we all just get along?"

And by the way, I'm not a normal commenter...I guess that makes me a lurker, right? Well, I figured I have to comment now because I referenced your Momtini in a blog I wrote today (here if you are interested: http://ispider.blogspot.com/2007/02/momtini-heard-round-blogosphere.html) but I - unlike the Today Show - did give you credit. Since I talked about you, I thought I should let you know.

I look forward to every new post on this blog. And it doesn't matter to me what you talk about - it's your blog, and you can cry (or whine or bitch or be happy or whatever) if you want to.

[Dooce Fan]

Woah!!

[Lkea]

I have this daydream where you open a line of bars/daycare centers called "Momtini". A parent would walk in the door, hand his/her child to a babysitter (because the child won't even notice the difference) and happily skip into the bar area to consume alcohol.

The bartenders and servers would all be male, as to better watch their patrons rates of drunkenness.

When you are done drinking, a Janet Tayor/nun/police officer type authority figure would give you a breathalizer test before you can get your child back. They would shake their heads and tsk-tsk all the while.

If you pass, you get your child. If not, you have to sit with the Janet Taylor, nun, police officer cyborg until you sober up.

When you finally do get your child, you have to sign a waiver that you will not hold Momtini legally responsible. Because you will still probably kill your kids in a horrific car accident on the way home, or, at the very least, not apply enough Balmex when you change the next diaper.

[susies]

I'm with Lkea. My husband and I have thought about opening a bar - he'd be a great bartender. But we don't want all the late nights. So we thought about a bar with a daycare. Parents come in for a nice relaxing drink while they read the paper and watch the news. Kids are next door in the day care being watched. Doesn't that sound great? Of course there's the teensy matter of driving home after, but if we limit each person to one drink, we figure the day care would be mobbed and the bar part would all be gravy. And everyone's home by six.

[BOSSY]

So funny, Melissa. By the way -- where do you balance your checkbook? On your head, or the tips of your fingers?

[Fenicle]

Cracks me up that people are complaining that you're writing about The Today Show! Maybe they need a glass of wine to chill.
I'll keep tuning in to see what's on your mind.

[ditzymoi]

I thought back to all the "modeling" ive done in front of my kids and the things I WISH they had picked up !!
like... making their beds and picking up dirty clothes when they wake up! that woulda been nice but nope ...
how about... doing dishes and picking up after themselves! ive been doing this for years and no one seems to have developed that habit!
and then theres ... cleaning the tub and bathroom every time I use it... NOPE no such luck .. they are all still slobs
what does this say about my parenting skills ? obviously im doing something wrong ...maybe I should drink all the way thru all of these chores :)

[jamiefred]

Melissa, I am a new recent lurker comming out of the lurking closet. I love your blog and the fact that you enjoy beating a dead horse over and over again. I too am an over beater. I think its in hopes that it will get up for round 2-10. Keep it going it gives much needed humor to us drunk babysitters (oops I mean moms)

[jgsearls]

Right now?

My husband is sitting in the Pittsburgh airport waiting to board a flight to Pensacola.

I'm in the kitchen. With a glass of wine. And Lemon & Olive Chicken simmering on the stove! And my three cherubs are playing nicely...er...scratch that...not so nicely (the youngest cherub hasn't napped all.day.long.) at my feet.

THE HORRORS!

There are no adult penises in sight!!! Although, I do have two child-size penises? Does that equal one adult penis? It's all so confusing.

Oh..and thanks for the link to the Goat Cheese Salad. Made it yesterday for a lunch at my sister's house and it was deee-licious!