Will never be my free pass. Ever.

Logan and I like to play a game from time to time. We call it 'Free Pass'. Let's say I was at the grocery store and David Beckham walked up to me and suggested we go back to his hotel so he could give me some soccer tips. I'm allowed to do that if that's who I've chosen as my 'Free Pass'.

Now, if say, George Clooney walked up and asked me the same thing, I would have to decline his invitation because he is probably lying because I don't think he knows how to play soccer and also because he's not my free pass. Usually my choice for free pass is so ridiculous Logan gets angry. Not because he feels inadequate in the face of my choice but because I typically pick someone like Stephen Colbert, "....because he's so funny!"

Logan says, "Why would you pick someone funny as your free pass? You're going to stay up all night talking?"

And honestly, I really might just do that.

All this to say, I would never in one million years choose Long Haired Swinger as my free pass. (Though one of the rules is it can't be anyone you actually know in real life.)

So I wish he would leave me alone.

I've managed to avoid Long Haired Swinger as the weather and my general demeanor turned cold. But in the last few weeks we've had a couple of warm ups in the weather and I guess warm ups make Long Haired Swinger think maybe my heart is melting toward him along with the snow.

One afternoon another mom brought her new puppy out to meet all the kids. Long Haired Swinger came strolling up to admire the cute puppy and I stared at the puppy pretending not to notice him.

He walked up and said, "How is Miss Summers today?" What is this third person thing? Why am I Miss?

He went on, "Oh puppies are so cute when they're little....just like people. Then they grow up and you're not sure you like them anymore."

And I replied, "Only if they grow up to be repellent!"

Only I didn't really say that. I made this noise I've perfected for any communication I have to make with Long Haired Swinger.

It sounds like this, "nnnnh." And I look at the ground while I say it. Or off into the distance in the opposite direction of him.

Him, burrowing his beady eyes into the top of my head: "Blah blahblah?
Me, looking at the ground. "nnnnh."
Him: Blah! Blahh blahhhhhh blah I am freaky!"
Me, looking at the sky: "Nnnnnnh."

The other day it was beautiful, almost 80 degrees. These glimpses of spring are probably the best thing about Michigan weather. When the sun does come out and it's warm for the first few times, it's so life affirming the whole world seems like a better place.

Until Long Haired Swinger crawls out of his hole.

On this day he walked up to where I was standing, alone. I usually hide outside the gate at pick up so he won't see me.

"How is Miss Summers today?" (WHO TALKS LIKE THIS?????)
"nnnnnh"
"So now that the weather is so beautiful does this mean we'll be seeing your smile again?"
"nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhh."

And I walked away.

The thing I can't figure out about this person is why he is even still interested in talking to me. I would think someone acting the way I am is a horrifying bitch. I would think to myself, "Wow, what a bitch!" And I would avoid that person.

I avoid people who have acted even less bitchy than I have just because I don't want to waste my time on people who are bitches.

Oh God, I just realized this. Does he think I'm playing hard to get? Does he think he can melt my ice queen ways and show me the tantric ways of his peoples?

Why can't Long Haired Swinger find this website like my in laws and the Presbyterians and get so angry about it's contents he never speaks to me again?

Why can't Stephen Colbert just show up on a whim at my playground and ask if I want to hear some of his new material?

Comments

[Dana]

The next time he says "How is Miss Summers today" bark back "MRS. Summers is FINE."
If he doesn't get the message you may have to draw him a picture, literally, like with crayons.

[Michelle]

I have a Short Haired Swinger I cannot avoid, as he is a friend of a friend of a friend and sometimes shows up to parties.

Sometimes he does creepy stuff like tell me I smell good. And then he has his wife smell me too.

Oh, and my free pass is Joaquin Phoenix. It makes my husband mad because Joaquin Phoenix is a vegan.

[mamaloo, the doula]

No, you have to do that cough-talk thing. Then you can tell him to F*ck off and it'll sound mostly like a hack attack!

Or maybe you should just start coughing all over him as if you were Typhoid Mary and tell him that you are so sorry, but you've just got this horrid Black Plague thing and you just can seem to shake it. Maybe he'll start backing away.

[mamaloo, the doula]

Michelle, I can't help it: is the "Joaquin is a vegan" thing have anything to do with what you will and won't allow in your mouth? Because otherwise I don't know why that makes your husband mad!

[Melissa Summers]

I think Michelle's husband is sad because he thought his ability to eat meat and the products of living things was what attracted her to him.

Now that he's finding she can be attracted to men who eat neither of those things....he wonders if his carnivourism was all in vain.

Logan worries his hotness and work on his physique is wasted on me since I just fantasize about sitting around with a tall lanky man and laughing.

[slouching mom]

I may never be able to show my face on the Internet again (oh, yeah, wait a minute, I don't show my face on the Internet), but my free pass is James Taylor. The angularity, the leanness, the height, that voice... I know he's old! So am I!

Oh, and...

"Blah! Blahh blahhhhhh blah I am freaky!"

Love this. Made me laugh hard.

[Sonya]

OK, this used to happen to me a lot. I think I was a "weird guy" magnet. If I am psychoanalyzing, I think I was giving off a "weak, bad childhood, damaged child, so take advantage of me" vibe. So, one day, I decided to do the exact opposite of my normal "coy, slightly rude, shy" routine. It totally worked. When he approaches, look him in the eyes - never look away. Dead stare. No smile. and say with your hardest, deadest voice..."I'm fine." Only look away AFTER he looks away (and trust me, he will). Then walk away. It will feel very uncomfortable at first, but once you do it, you will feel so liberated. And, you will not be a cooky weird guy magnet anymore!

[anne nahm]

I love it! Reads like one of some Victorian novel. I agree with your other commenters - 'nnnghh' is far too polite. Could mean shy, could mean on-the-fence. Guys like that have to be matched in their degree of heavy handedness or they just keep hassling you.

I embrace my inner bitch in those situations, make steady eye contact, and say "fuck off." No more, no less. Harsh? Hells yeah. But better to whap them with a blunt instrument than try to kill them with a thousand paper cuts.

[Monkee]

The next time he talks to you, just pass gas. That should work...Unless it doesn't work and then you have a whole new, much creepier problem, in which case, you're on your own. See, wasn't that helpful? =)

[Melissa Summers]

I am not at all a creepy guy magnet. This is the first time this has ever happened to me.

I give off a bitch/unfriendly vibe all the time. Seriously I am never ever even flirted with by normal men.

He's getting the point. Unless he propositions me I'm not saying Fuck You to a dad on the playground.

[roaringmommy]

I know exactly the sound you are speaking of that you use as your reply to the creepy guy. I think I make that sound a lot to people who annoy me in general. They're probably just trying to be nice, but if they annoy me the least little bit, I give my version of "nnnnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhh" and then smile a smile that looks like I have a gas pain.

[zhanae]

I used to work with this woman and one Friday night or work function or something, I met her husband. On Monday, I heard from her about how he thinks I'm so beautiful, and every time I was at a function with them from then on, all I heard about was that I was gorgeous. It's really uncomfortable when a co-worker's husband is chatting you up and you're wondering if they are proposing what you think they are proposing.

[Kevin]

Sounds like the guy is thinking it's third grade or something. The kids would throw rocks at the people they liked and ignore the ones they didn't.
Perhaps this guy is taking your "nnnnnh" as rocks being thrown?
"Oh yeah baby, Miss Summers is really hating me now, she's giving me the, 'nnnnh'."
I don't have a clue, have you asked him about yeast infection cures? Nothing scares me more than yeast infections, simply because I have no idea what they are, I've just been told they are no good. Maybe that would squash out any compromising mental images he has of Miss Summers, if he was to think of bread baking under the curvy boot cuts.

[BOSSY]

Bossy's Free Pass is always John Cusack: a man so pathetically hang-dog and puffy even Bossy's husband agrees he needs Bossy.

[Bronwen]

You nailed (figuratively speaking, of course) my free pass in your first paragraph - David Beckham. Of course, after Posh, he probably wouldn't know what to do with THIS MUCH woman... Maybe he'd give me grooming tips. Or let me tie him down with wet rawhide strips and write the Gettysburg Address all over his nude body in eyeliner pencil. Whichever.

[HeidiKR]

Matthew McConaughey (if he didn't speak), Eddie Vedder and Johnny Depp, although I may just want to sit and talk with the two latter. Funny, because my husband's Free Pass is always just "Gwyneth" -- which, you know since you've met my nerdy husband -- is quite probably not gonna happen. He's no Chris Martin, whatever that means ... No matter how much I find myself enjoying Coldplay from time to time, I still think he's half Joe Cocker and half Air Supply.

[Liesel Elliott]

I never know what to do with the creepy guys either. I'm usually too polite and struggle to get away.

BUT, you should come to the playground in my town and you may very well see your "free pass" (Colbert, not Beckham). At the very least you can see him on the train into the city.

[superblondgirl]

You should just tell him to fuck off. Why not? Even if it pisses him off and makes him think horribly of you, at least he'll leave you alone. (So says a fellow nnngghhh kind of noise maker...)

[pagalina]

I'm always amazed at how much you can get away with if you act as though you are joking.

imagine:
titter titter!
"You're not hitting on a married lady, are you?"
titter titter titter!
If he can't say yes cause this would be too asshole-ish.

firstly, you are expressing your opinions
secondly, the other can't be obvertly (shit! SP?) insulted because you're joking!

[erksh]

I get those types, in droves for some unkown reason.

I do this:

titter titter!
"You're not hitting on a married lady, are you?"
titter titter titter!

But without the titter. Just a calm, frosty "You DO realize that you are coming off in a very inappropriate fashion?!" coupled with a dead stare. You don't have to be rude or even loud, just calm and blunt.

Stops a manipulative weener dead in his blubbering,perverted tracks.

And Dave Mathews is in my top five. Bloated and sweaty, but I'll close my eyes -- he can just sing my clothes off.

[MelanieinOrygun]

I don't think you should *swear* at the guy, but maybe a slightly less offensive "I don't like to talk to you, sorry," and a swift departure?
Nah. I don't know. I have no idea. If the steelclad bitch facade thing isn't working, I don't know. It usually works for me. Now you've got me paranoid, worrying that a can't-take-a-hint-freeeeky-swinger is going to find me. Argh.

[OMSH]

Pick your nose and offer it to him.
It works EVERY TIME.

[zuhl]

You said "Unless he propositions me..." I think he pretty much did that when he invited you to the playground alone so you could get to know each other better back in Dec.

Now that's not an overt "here's my dick in box" flavor of proposition, but what the hell else does he have in mind? Conversation? Sha-yeah, right... not so much.

You are free to tell him to tell him to go to hell or whatever, IMO.

[Andi]

I'm going to be exceptionally blunt here. (I know that this will come as a shock because "Blunt" is certainly not the order of the day around here.)

Your downcast eyes and refusal to make eye contact are very submissive postures. Your inarticulate mumbling is giving him a very clear impression of what you'd sound like with a ball gag in your mouth. In short, your attempts to be rude are turning him on.

I agree with Sonya, seize the offensive. "Mrs. Summers is a bit annoyed that her attempts to gently rebuff the attentions of the neighborhood skeeze have thus far been completely ineffective. And you, sir?"

[Angela]

I hate to tell you this, but I think he may think you are playing hard to get. Either that or it is like a conquest of his to get you to either smile or express interest in him.

I have my own version of your the bitchy "nnnnnnh" thing because I work at a lock and alarm place and various men come in there and pester me. I am not the classically attractive type and I am not even particularly nice and there are some men who will not leave me alone. They attempt to flirt with me and ask me why I don't give them a nice smile. Erg. They're gross and deranged and don't get the point. (They might if I weren't at work and was actually able to be genuinely mean.)

So this guy may be one of those freaks.

[Melissa Summers]

Wow. Now he's a bdsm guy too. Wow.

I've got it under control ladies.

[Tarin]

My comment is not about you. It's about me. I want you to post on weekends, Melissa. I know you're trying to live your life and all that. And doing what cha gotta do to get that house ready to sell. I hestiate to say I am living for your posts because that's creepy and sad. But I am so very certain that I am not alone, checking in on Saturday and Sunday, knowing you don't post then, but hoping, just hoping that you have. Perhaps it presents itself as an obstacle, having to post, but don't let it. Just a few curt words and a photo will tide us over. Every day, if you could. Thanks.

[Melissa Summers]

I want to post but honestly, the house is killing me. Slowly strangling the life from me.

I do often post pictures over the weekend at Flickr.

http://flickr.com/photos/suburbanbliss/

We primed the kitchen walls and Logan sanded them and I think paint will adhere to them now.

I am in heaven with this turn of events.

[Tommy from Michigan]

I suggest giving him Jehovah's Witness pamphets or try to sell him Amway.

[angela marie]

I think he DOES know about the website. He is just pretending not to know so that you don't think he is a crazy fan. He wants to be able to say to his other long-haired swinger friends that he is on the make with Dr. Janet Taylor's nemesis.
Yeah. That's it.

[romom]

Please post a picture so the rest of us R.O. moms know who to avoid.

[Melissa Summers]

You can't miss him. Long stringy gray hair.

Here's a bad picture I snapped from the living room of him at the park near my house.

http://flickr.com/photos/suburbanbliss/353431608