You thought I was beating a dead horse before.

But you really had no idea how bad it could get.

I already mentioned a few times how I've been working on removing this ridiculous wallpaper. Guess what? I'm still talking about it.

This morning I got to work on the last section. This section included about a 14" tall section spanning about 1.5 feet above the cabinets and then another two foot section above the door. I worked from 10 o'clock this morning on that part. Then I took Max to school and spent that 3.25 hours tearing down a 16" x 5' section of wallpaper. 3.25 hours.

Yawn you say? I want you to understand how long this process has taken me. I want you to understand why I'm typing this post with claw hands. Why my thumb has 3rd degree burns from that steamer. I only wish I could let you smell the grandmother-like scent of the Downey I doused my walls in and then steamed which is now filling my home and giving me a horrific headache.

Why don't they make fabric softener which smells of bacon....Canadian Bacon....?

This afternoon, after I picked up the kids from school, smelling like a grandmother wearing an Avon fragrance and looking like a woman who has been deranged by wallpaper and steam, I decided to document how long it actually took me to remove the last section of the wallpaper.

Because when you're standing on a ladder and bruising your shins while trying to control a red hot steamer which might "accidentally" drip scalding hot water down your arms or might "accidentally" fall off the barstool you've propped it up on because those really high ceilings you love about your 1920's bungalow aren't really all that charming when you're trying to reach the top of the stupid wallpaper.

When you're doing all that, it might just feel as if you've been stripping wallpaper for your whole life or 22 hours.  Maybe you've only actually been in a living hell for 30 minutes. It turns out stripping wallpaper is actually as big a time suck as you might imagine. (If you can't imagine it, then you're Logan and I don't want to hear about it.)

Here is the shot of what I had left to do today after already working for 17 hours last week and 5 hours today. (Please note the steamer, my nemesis, standing there, waiting to hurt me. No wonder I dream of snakes.)

Looking at this corner, I thought to myself, "This can't possibly take more than 90 minutes. If this takes 90 minutes I am totally stripping off my clothes and running down the street with this stupid steamer rolling next to me for warmth."

I don't like to hug people or talk on the phone. You can imagine I'm not wild about public nudity.

Here is the time when I started this very small corner.

JSYK: I have never cooked a Bacon (Slice) in this microwave. Who would limit themselves that way? Okay but who else? (Also, I've never cooked a pizza or a frozen dinner in this microwave.)

The next time I took a brief water break, I want to write a joke here about giving myself a hot facial with that stupid steamer but that would give me a shit ton of unpleasant google hits. Oops. The next time I took a break, it was:

This is what my progress looked like after 45 minutes. That's almost a whole Oprah show.

If you look at the upper right corner of this picture you'll see a very white spot at the top of the picture. This is a hollow spot on the wall, a box if you will. When I first noticed it was hollow, it makes an unsettling sound when you scrape it, I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be awesome if there was money in there? Or maybe an apology letter for putting a water based paint over an oil based paint?"

Because I would accept an apology at this point, because I know what it's like to do your best and have to cut corners just to save your sanity and your fingerprints. I know.

By the time I finished with that corner of the room, I found myself thinking about that box behind the wall and "Dick In A Box" got stuck in my head. Because wouldn't it be funny if that's what was in the box behind my wall? That entertained me for another 30 minutes. (Thanks a lot Stefania.)

(If I have to tell you that link is not exactly work safe then you deserve to lose your job. Dummy.)

30 minutes later Dick in a Box was no longer entertaining me.

This is the process I'd made at that point. What you can't see it? Me either.

At this point Logan called to give me a 'Sanity Check' and if my voice has ever had the ability to kill a man, it was over that phone call. This ability was exaggerated by the fact that I rammed my nose accidentally with the paper scraper while I held the phone up. I hate the phone.

Hey look! It's after 5....it's 5:25pm and I'm finally done. Somehow this is anticlimatic because the walls still look like shit and I still have to sand, prime and paint everything but at least the steamer and I can part ways now without any permanent scarring.

After that last phone call from Logan I mentioned, I hung up after he asked if I was doing okay. Because we'd spoken 5 times today and each time I told him how I would love to talk but the steamer wanted to choke the life out of me right now so I have to go.

As I started cleaning up the mess.....oh wait I can show you that too!

As I started scooping and shop-vac-ing wet wallpaper scraps, Logan called one more time. Luckily I picked it up. Because he wanted to drop dinner off before he went to Billiards tonight (The Championships! Also! The last game! Hooray!).

He also brought me this.

Just when I think Logan just doesn't understand me. He just doesn't get that I'm dying here trying to get the house ready and write and clean Max's silver toenail and make sure Maddie's report on the grizzly bear gets done on time and she learns good research skills in the process, he does these types of thing and I realize, I got my best one.

Speaking of beating dead horses. (Not safe if you dislike beating of horses.....which is my entire site so why are you reading?)

Dear Dr. Janet Taylor, I would like you to know that tonight the only reason I've had 3 of these beers is stress relief. I know it's not healthy. There is no designated parent here. I must find healthier ways to relieve stress, like SELLING THIS MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.

Janet, do you know how to paint? Because someone painting my stupid kitchen would really relieve a lot of my stress. Also, do you want to buy a really competitively priced house in Michigan? We could live really close and relieve our stress together!

Love you!

In closing: the wallpaper is gone, I still have to paint, the drywall guy comes tomorrow. I promise when we're living in our new home I will whine about half as much as I am now about home improvement.

Comments

[maiareads]

After all your efforts you had three??! There are three to go. I won't tell Janet.

[slouching mom]

Holy shit. I bow before you. You are a fine, fine stripper with stamina to boot. (Isn't she, Logan?)

PS Bacon (slice). Forget Dr. Taylor. Even the microwaves are sanctimonious these days.

[mac]

I think anyone who can strip like that deserves a whole six pack. Cheers!

[Beacon Hillbillies]

Good heavens. You deserve more than a six-pack. And I can't believe you waited until the job was done (and the kids were fed and the toenail dressing changed and homework finished) to crack one open. Me? I would've starting shooting bourbon at 4:29.

[jkopftwins]

I came on over to tell you to drink the other 3 beers *immediately*, but... everyone's thinking along the same wavelength! Hope they were nice and cold!

[carissa]

Great work. You would have been justified in going straight for the tequila. I hope you can move soon. But seriously, WHAT IS IN THE HOLLOW WALL?

[Jenn]

Oh my God, when we took down wallpaper last spring, I think I talked about it for a month straight. The paper itself came down easily, but then we had 4 layers of paste. We used a mixture of vinegar and water, and then all the paste STILL wasn't off, so we had to sand everything, and then wash them AGAIN. I still can't see wallpaper without getting twitchy. Why didn't somebody bring ME beer?

There is nothing worse than having to pick up all the little wet scraps of sticky paper, nothing except the act of taking the paper off in the first place. I hope by now you've started in on the next 3!

[Annika]

OK, I read some of this to my husband, and he said, "I think she's fantastic. I wish we lived in Michigan so we could be her friends." Which is just so damn cute I had to tell you.

[susies]

We live in an older house with "character" as well. It took me weeks. Weeks and weeks and weeks and months and forever to get the paper off what was the dining room. Three layers of non-strippable wallpaper. In someplaces FOUR layers - and it was the same paper laid over the same paper. W. T. F.??? You are a strong woman who deserves the beer. And if you liked being touched, I'd suggest a massage, but...
Once upon a time I was having a bad week (or two) and my husband came home with a case (a CASE) of Boddington's. My very favorite and very expensive beer. I cried. It was the most thoughtful gift he'd ever gotten me. Those chicks who like jewels instead of beer confuse me.

[HoorayForSaturday]

Yep, wallpaper pretty much sucks ass. We have some in our home that needs to come down this summer. It's in the stairwell, so no doubt that it will be a blast to deal with. Ladder, fat man, chemicals that will take all the skin off, it should make for great TV.

I wish you luck with the rest of prepping for the market and can't wait for you folks to get settled in the new mansion.

[Kate]

Wallpaper should be outlawed. It is unacceptable for SO MANY reasons.

[gorillabuns]

do what we do with unsightly wallpaper situations, get a can of $10.00 spray on texture and paint over that m*****f*****!

sorry, i have such a way with words.

[Hetty]

Um. You probably don't want to hear this at this point ... but should you ever be desperate enough to want to strip more wallpaper ... you don't need the steamer. I stripped an awful lot of wallpaper in our last house, and the dumbsh*ts that had put it up did not paint or otherwise prep the drywall beneath. So that paper was REALLY stuck. But a scoring tiger, and warm water with some detergent, applied with a sponge, softened it beautifully. Clean walls are not worth burning yourself over!

[Rayne of Terror]

That was one hell of a job.

[Melissa Summers]

Believe me, I tried it without the steamer. I tried at least 6 of the 20 suggestions I got.

The steamer worked the best. The paper and glue came off the easiest of all the methods. It was just time consuming and perilous.

[Andrea]

Wallpaper has been the bane of my existance since we purchased our "crack house" four years ago. I affectionately call it that because there are so many weird things wrong with this house and it is always in disarray due to a project in process. Someone had the brilliant idea of wallpapering without priming the walls. Asshats. Needless to say, it took a whole freakin' weekend of my life to get the damn wallpaper off. It involved a lot of spraying, scraping, sanding, and swearing.

Drink those last beers while wielding that steamer in the presence of your kids. I'm sure Janet would approve.

[Andrea]

And I forgot to mention, that was the kitchen with not a lot of wall surface to deal with. Thinking about the spare bedroom, dining room, and living room brings me to tears.

[melissa]

You know about "DIF" right? The blue spray gel that makes wallpaper fall off? We moved into a 1940's cape and EVERY ROOM had wallpaper. Also, the steamers were no help. If you can stomach it, we bought one of those sprayers that landscapers use to spread chemicals. Fill it with really hot water and after you have scored the paper and applied DIF, hose it down. In some rooms we had to do it twice because the paper separated, I think because it was fabric over vinyl or something equally bizarre.

[Melissa Note: YES YES YES! I tried DIF! I tried vinegar and water! I tried downey! I tried another chemical stripper. Nothing helped! Except the steamer!!!!!! Not my first choice, obviously since I am burned over 30% of my body, but the only thing that worked in my particular situation. Please please please stop telling me something else would have worked better. I tried several things. Believe me.]

[chris]

I have not yet had to resort to the steamer. But I am dying from the smell of DIF and Downy and my knuckles are bloodied on my left hand from scraping against the plaster wall.

And if I lived closer I would have drank the other three beers, and brought a six pack of my own over.

[kathy]

You need to make sure to tell your realtor that you will not look at ANY house that has wallpaper in it!

For me that was a big turn off in any house, wallpaper or stucco walls - yuck!

[AEMom]

What a nasty job. I live in Montreal and I also had a nasty job once but my steamer didn't look anything like yours. Mine was a flat rectangular thing about the size of a computer monitor. You would press it on for about 30-60 sec and then scrape the piece of wallpaper off. It took forever but your steamer just looks evil and it would take longer than forever with yours.
Your post does remind me why I said that I will never use wallpaper.

[Sheryl]

I want you to know you have totally inspired me to get off my duff and paint my bathroom, because all I have to do is tape, and prime, and paint it. Thanks God we have no wallpaper in our house.

[madge]

I mistakenly turned on the Today Show yesterday just as "Doctor" Janet Taylor was spouting some more robotic, non-sensical comments. This time it was about kids and strangers. I was wishing I was in the studio so I could vomit all over her carefully manicured suit.

Oh, and... Hooray for finishing the wallpaper!

[merseydotes]

I feel very ripped off because I just bought a microwave and it does NOT have either a one-button hot dog setting or a one-button oatmeal setting.

Has this experience altered your view of owning a charming old house in the future? I know that after I had to deal with 50+ year old wiring in our old place, I was never so happy to move into something less than 15 years old. Even though I always thought I would go for an old house with great molding and deep window sills, I was willing to give up the charm for something that didn't have decades of surprises tucked into its walls.

[ETB]

Holy Mother of God, you deserve a medal. And another pale ale.

We live in a 150+ year old former schoolhouse that was renovated and turned into a family home in the '70s. (That's 1970s.) Our bedroom once belonged to a teenage boy who, in the midst of upstate NY, fancied himself a surfer and wallpapered his bedroom accordingly with the.most.awful. foiled purple/turquoise/black 80s graphic surfer wallpaper. With a 10-inch border on top!

And why prime the walls? I mean, why would anyone ever WANT to take this paper down?

The person who designed this paper better hope I never run into him or her at a playdate when I've had a few too many.

[Foo]

Melissa, I'm so impressed! I know you're not looking for advice, but that's not going to stop me...

My husband reminds me every time we do a project like this to just tell myself that I'll never have to rip down this piece of wallpaper (or haul this bucket of plaster and lath, or whatever) again. Once it's done, it's done.

You'll never have to steam the wallpaper off your bathroom walls again!

[marymuses]

I once removed wallpaper from a friend's ceiling, and that was perhaps the most strenuous week of my entire life. The previous owners of that house had wallpapered EVERYTHING, including a couple of metal wardrobes they'd left behind. Insane. Wallpaper removal is hellish; kudos to you for getting the job done. If I lived close to you, I totally would have offered to help you out.

[jgsearls]

I'd give you a hug but I don't want to compound your misery. The kitchen is going to rock when you get it drywalled and painted. It'll all be worth it when you move into your great house in the great neighborhood where block parties and drinking playgroups spontaneously erupt at least once a week.

Just don't do what I did which was move from a house with walls and walls of wallpaper that you score and wet and strip and score and wet and strip and patch and sand and swear and swear and swear and then? Buy another house with wallpaper.

But in my defense...there are block parties. And hot neighbors with tool belts. And a yard where the kids can gallivant to their hearts content.

Oh...and if you do find problems with the wallboard and it's not worth going to the trouble of ripping it out and installing more...Zinsser's Guardz Primer. Magical stuff. It acts like a bandaid for damaged drywall.

[AmandaT]

As someone who has recently had to prepare a house for sale (and then second guess all my efforts when my house did not sell instantaneously upon listing it), and then turned around and bought a 3500 sq. foot house--3400 of which are wallpapered, because I'm a real dumbass--I really do sympathize with your situation. Good luck going forward!! But after seeing your progress photos, I had to speak up and ask... why are you steaming off your wallpaper with a garment steamer?

[Melissa Summers]

Because it was available and free. I spent all my money on drywall guys and COBRA remember?

[AnaBell]

I was waiting to see a hole in the wall where the box was. And then a picture of an empty hole. No money in there.

[AmandaT]

Aha. All you had to say was "free." Anyhow, you kicked that wallpaper's ass. Good for you. I've still got rooms and rooms to go, so I envy your scalding and messy achievements. Can't wait to see how the room looks with paint.

[jbeeky]

I am so down with you and Janet living side by side. And you collecting everyone's empties in a 10 mile radius to put out on recycling day.

[cce]

Wait 'til you get to the sanding if you think wallpaper's a bitch! Just kidding. Wallpaper's definitely the worst part. And you should be happy, there are walls still standing after offensive wallpaper is removed. If you lived at my house you'd be rebuilding walls before sanding, priming and painting. So there. You're better off than someone out there and that should make you feel better. Can I have the other three beers?

[You can call me, 'Sir']

I've been down the major-remodeling road, but never while juggling young'ns and spouses. That said, I'd be happpy to come over and finish the sanding and painting. I could use the good karma.

[OMSH]

I have stripped wallpaper until all my fingernails are gone and my fingers are nubs. I KNOW that burn from the steamer - and the precarious balance b/c WHY DO THEY NOT MAKE THOSE STINKIN HOSES LONGER?!

You are the bomb.
You stopped to take pictures.
You rawk.

[Crouching Hamster]

My hat is off to you.
Now go fry up some bacon, the way God intended.

P.S. - Ahava mineral hand cream; L'Occitane shea butter hand cream

P.P.S - That COBRA is damn expensive. (You're guaranteed access to health insurance for 18 months - because how long do you really need health insurance anyway? - after you leave your job, but you won't be able to afford it!) We're working on this one in the upcoming elections.

[J]

Obviously you've received a million suggestions... but as someone who has removed wallpaper from 3 bathrooms, 1 bedroom, 1 kitchen, 1 laundry room and 1 very big pain-in-ass hallyway in the last 6 months using a steamer... here's a tip for what comes after the wallpaper.

Those paint bubbles... those are hell. If you thought the wallpaper sucked, just wait. You can sand them sure... but then they flake. The edges never seem to get smooth either!

Here's my mother's best fix. Spackle. Pre-mix spackle and a very large plaster thing to put it on. You want to throw some spackle on the spreader and just put a super thin layer over the scraped bubbles.

This might sound like an extra step, but it makes the sanding much more productive and your walls will be smoother faster.

A thin layer of spackle over the scrapped off crap will guarantee you primer has something good to stick to. Otherwise, you remove wallpaper, scrape, sand, prime, paint and uhh the paint bubbles up and peels off where those first round of bubble were.

Trust me - the little bit of spackle will save you time in the long run.

And hey... we miss you guys! We have to have you over our new - very unfinished house sometime soon! We no longer have wallpaper, but you should see our green sculptured carpet! :o)

Jeanette

[Jaycee]

I'm exhausted just reading about all the work you've done, but so excited for you. You are so much closer to your goal and have a lot to be proud of. Can't wait for your next installment. The new house is gonna be swell!

[Velma]

I am having flashbacks thanks to reading this nightmarish process. The only thing worse than what you are going through getting that wallpaper down?

Doing the exact same thing in August, in a heat wave, with no air conditioning.

I did the dining room of our old house, and it was such a nightmare that afterward, we gave up and painted over the wallpaper in our living room. In the end, the paint over the wallpaper looked better, because I never could get the walls perfect in the dining room.

Turns out? Under the wallpaper? More wallpaper, only properly sized and applied on two of the walls. The other two had the forensic details of where a previous owner had reached the same insane level of frustration and taken an exacto knife to the drywall! Apparently someone also thought that a nice heavy duty outdoor paint, like the aqua-colored stuff you use to paint a pool, would rectify the exacto damage. Good times...good times.

I recommend more beer. You must be dehydrated after all that steam!

[Suebob Davis]

"You know what would have worked better?" OMG how mean are those people?? Haven't they SEEN the photos??

I just wanted to say "Melissa Summers, Stripper Extraordinaire" in case you needed some weird google hits.

[Kim E]

You are amazing. I would have given up and hung myself with that handy hose on the steamer.

[BOSSY]

Scrape, Prime, Paint. You forgot clean. You must clean all remnants of wallpaper paste from the walls or the other coats will be funky. And sometimes funky coats are great (like vintage Pea Coats) and sometimes funky coats are really really bad (blistering paint.)

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Poor Melissa.

Thank God you are an alcoholic ;)