Another Lesson.

So we had three showings last week. The first one came while I was writing that last post and that is why it's untitled. Not for some mysterious and insightful reason, 'It is untitled...because my feelings can not have labels'.

No it's untitled because the real estate company called and said, "An agent and her client are in front of your house, can they come in?"

Thankfully I've gotten into the habit of making all the beds and showering first thing in the morning instead of writing all morning in my pajamas showering just to take Max to school. Though about half the time I throw on workout clothes so that I look like I'm always ".....on the go....." I'm on the go if 'on the go' means sitting in my basement painting all the fucking time.

We got out of the house with all our breakfast dishes and also a cocktail shaker from the night before. And a chef's knife I hadn't washed yet. I wish we'd been in an accident because all these items would have been of great concern to rescue workers.

The agent let my agent know that the house is beautiful and her client was excited until he got to the basement. You recall the Bend Over Bar? I've done a lot of work in the basement since that time and it is actually much nicer with organized storage and even a gift wrapping cabinet....yes. But it's still a space with less than average head room, and this client was 6'5". I started to tell the realtor about the Bend Over Bar, maybe her client is gay? But then let it go.

****

Speaking of school. I've said over and over to always write as if the person you don't want to read it will read it. When I wrote this post, I'm not sure why I wanted the people I was referring to to know they'd hurt my feelings when it was so clearly a tiny blip in the universe and also so clearly a direct result of the fear in my head that the world knew I was from a whole lot of crazy.

It's true, sometimes I use my blog to explain things to people I am not entirely fond of. Sometimes I use it to express my true disdain for them. It's true this behavior makes me far from 'nice' but it's also based on some very real and intense hurts from the past and so I don't feel all that badly about that type of thing. Most of the time when I write about someone in unflattering terms I try to leave out identifying details so that I'm not spreading gossip, just sharing my part of the story. Except for the Creepy Long Haired Swinger and I want him to read this site because then maybe he'll leave me alone (actually, in fairness he has been leaving me alone).

I didn't think through the fact that when writing from the viewpoint I had as a 20 year old girl and revealing the identities of the people I was talking about, I was spreading gossip (something I hate more than painting my kitchen cabinets) and also leaving people with an unfair view of these two girls.

Which would have been fine if no one they know were reading my site but it turns out there are a few mothers from the school who read this site. And someone put together my bitchily rhymed names for these girls I had trouble with 13 years ago with a mom from our kid's class and let her know she should read my blog.

And she did and on Thursday night she emailed me to let me know and I explained and apologized and told her how stupid I was. That I could have easily told that exact story without being a bitch and leaving in identifying details. She said she did not remember that incident and also had no idea what had happened to my father and how I'd flailed about in high school. We talked further and she felt kicked in the gut and also a little silly having the mothers from the class corner her to tell her about this. And I'll bet she also felt a little ridiculous having all these women reading a story so clearly about her when she had no idea.

We've talked and she's been incredibly gracious and more kind than she needs to be. She said, "Let's just move on. Don't apologize anymore. You don't need to apologize."

Which I'm trying to do because that's the most gracious anyone's ever been to me in the face of my bitchiness. Well except my friend Andrea and also Logan. And maybe my sister.

But all weekend I worked in the basement painting cabinet doors. It's funny how your kitchen can have so little storage but SO MANY FUCKING DOORS. As I painted I kept churning the whole situation around in my head. I often do this while I scrub the kitchen floor but the house is already so clean I didn't bother.

The fact that these girls had no idea what I'd been through during high school and yet I felt it was so obvious to everyone. I believed everyone knew and had labeled me 'weird'. I thought about how I make myself feel like the star of my own show and believe everyone is constantly watching and judging me. Like when I almost hurled myself off a sailboat and was then so incredibly embarassed and my friend Jean said, "No one thought a thing about it."

The truth is, when you peel back all the layers of popularity and wealth and all of that stuff that is always a part of high school. The truth is I had no friends not because my father killed himself and I was actually happy about that. I had no friends because I was shy and more awkward than I am now. (I know! Not possible! But it is.) I had no friends because I was afraid people would see I wasn't like them.

I had no friends because I was really deeply sad.

The way I felt about that argument that summer at day camp was so much less about what anyone said or did. It was all about how I was seeing it because I believed everyone knew I wasn't like them.

Something else made my stomach churn all weekend. Why would I be such a bitch? Why did I even want these two girls to see what I wrote. I even said it in my original post, "I'm rhyming their names so they won't find it Googling their names. But if they come across it they'll know it was them."

I read it again after hearing from the mom from school and was stunned. Why did I do that?

As I painted yesterday all day and into the night I practiced saying this to myself.

"Sometimes you are a bitch."

That is a really hard thing for me to say because I don't want to be a bitch. I want to be honest with myself. I want to be up front with the people I dislike or who are offensive to me. I want to learn from my past mistakes and remove myself from relationships or situations which make me bitchy.

And still, sometimes I am still just a bitch.

Comments

[homeslice]

I recently insulted my sister-in-law to a degree I didn't think was humanly possible. My venom and dislike of my in-laws finally came to a head, and I said something in her house that I shouldn't have said. Having the grace to own up to the inner-bitch we all have is an admirable thing. Two weeks post-incident, I am still flogging myself about it, even though you and I and the rest of us have the right to feel the way we feel whether it's validated or not.

[momdotcom]

When I read your original post about high school I think some part of me applauded you for putting your feelings into words. Maybe we all had similar situations as kids---mine was grade seven, but I was still in elementary school at the time. Needless to say, when I think of those days, and how tortured I was by this particular group of girls I wish for some...justice. I have often wondered what I would do if I ever met one of these girls 'all grown up'. Would they also have no recollection at all of how horrible and mean and torturous they were?? Alas--------probably. Melissa, thank you for again putting into words what so many of us have felt about so many different areas of our lives. You have that gift and I appreciate that about you. Now go paint! And then paint some more! Have a great day.

[bgirl]

It's beautiful how we all see ourselves in these posts. I am humbled to think of all the times I have been Just A Bitch. I appreciate your candor.

[Sarah Cool]

I LOVED this post. I loved it. I think pride is a huge stumbling block (it is to ME!!!), and in my opinion, you set aside your pride and probably some embarassment to really do what you thought was right - which was publically talk about this. I loved it. I think you are just super!

[merseydotes]

I don't think the incident was a tiny blip in the universe. Maybe in the girls' universe, but clearly not in yours if you remembered it in this much detail so many years later.

It's great that you feel okay owning up to the times when you are not nice to people, but don't flog yourself too much for them.

FYI, you missed a couple of name-changes on that post when you scrubbed it. Check the fifth paragraph from the top and the fourth paragraph from the end, where you added the edits.

[madame sosostris]

I dunno. Just because they may read your blog entry doesn't mean that the facts you reported aren't true. You wrote it in your blog because you couldn't call them out to their faces about it and because you wanted to express your feelings about it. Why do you need to apologize? If she wants to write about it or give her version, maybe she can do so in your Comments section.

I wouldn't feel bad if I were you, and I don't think you were being bitchy in that post. And I notice that there is no mention of any apology TO you FROM her. Even if she doesn't remember it, you do, and if she did something to hurt you (making comments to you, pointedly excluding you, whatever), she owes you an apology from her younger-and-bitchier-self. Don't let the one issue (quasi-accidental public disclosure) obscure the other.

Don't feel bad about this!

[MelissaS]

There was an apology from her of course.

Please, let's not turn this comments section into more attacking or picking apart this woman. I'll have to shut down comments.

I owed her an apology because what I wrote was my truth, not the truth about her. Not the truth about her then and not the truth about her now.

I could have written the story just as well with the same emotion and same thread a lot of us feel about being younger and out of place and unhappy without bringing her into it today.

For that I owed her an apology.

[alh]

I know the feeling: http://stellarstories.blogspot.com/2007/04/im-no-good-at-small-talk.html

[Jennifer]

I read this post, then I went back and read that post. You acted like a grown up who has moved on when you apologized. I am not sure that I could do the same if confronted by my past in such an unexpected manner. I am sure that you don't need a pat on the back because you are such a grown up but I'll give you one anyways.
Good job Melissa!

[Yolanda]

In addition to acknowledging that you're capable of being a bitch, perhaps a place to get to is another step further. That it is, in fact, okay to be a bitch. That you don't have to be a nice person every minute of your life. People's feelings may get hurt, but they will not die from it. Your feelings have been hurt and you're still standing. It is human to hurt others' feelings. So why punish yourself for ot being inhuman? If we interact with others, we will at some point cause them pain (just as they sure as hell will cause pain for us). When they acknowledge their hurt, it is human for us to empathize and apologize. Our ability to annoy, sadden, or frustrate another person does not make us evil. It makes us human. If we forgive everyone else for doing it, we had best forgive ourselves.

[Judypooh]

Sometimes we are all bitches. And sometimes we are all wrong. It happens to everyone, don't beat yourself up about it. I've done the exact same thing and felt that sting of humiliation and the burn of guilt when I got caught and then appologized. Just part of being human.

[slouching mom]

I find your honesty refreshing, compelling, and yes, even inspiring.

That, and your incredibly fine-tuned self-awareness.

You just impress me.

[jennifer]

Yeah, Judypooh's right. We all have our moments... just like the people who felt it was important to send this woman to your site. That's a big "oops" moment for them. I'm glad you both were adults about it and made it constructive, in the face of the drama-mongering of others.

[BOSSY]

We all want to be better than we are - it's the great equalizer because we are NOT.

[lindsayc]

I think that sometimes we write stuff down to really finish processing the situation. If the writing helped you in whatever way, and the reaching out from the stranger girl brought her viewpoint to you, and the apology meant that you could close the door on this type of hurt - then it was worth the work. And we can all be bitches, like judypooh said we are human...not robots like Logan!

[MelissaS]

Jennifer: A-fucking-men.

She wrote me this weekend to tell me how much she loves my site and etc etc etc.

So way to go Playground People (Person)!

Please let my house sell.

[GetSheila]

Oh honey, we are all bitches at one time or another. It is good to get the bitchiness out in the open and deal with it, which it sounds like you both did with a phone-to-phone conversation. Anger and hurt and loneliness often come across as bitchiness. Some people will breach the wall to see what is on the other side. It is nice to have agile allies.

[Erica]

Thank you for the honesty and self-awareness. This is a great post.

YOUR HOUSE WILL SELL, YOUR HOUSE WILL SELL - I am totally sending good house selling vibes your way.

[d.regina]

I connect my bitchiness to my bitterness, my sense that my life has been harder than most and this is somehow other people's faults.

An obviously flawed and childish logic, but it's very easy for me to slip back into it if I don't watch out.

And when I do? Jesus H. Christ, I am a bitch.

And the shame I feel when I get a grip? Crippling.

I still remember a therapist emphasizing to me, "D. Regina, EVERYBODY has their thing in life. The thing that makes their life different and hard. Yours is an abusive mother. Mine is my leg. (He was disabled.) You can't let your thing be an excuse for being angry at everyone for the rest of your life."

Maybe he sounds like a monster of a therapist from that quote alone, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. And I still need to hear it, every day.

[Amy]

Even now, happy with my life, etc....if I run into anyone from HS (with the exception of 3 people), I immediately morph back into the awkward, chatty, try-too-hard-to-be-funny 16 year old. Why IS that?! What about that time is so indelible when I can't even remember where my damn keys are?

I appreciate your honesty - it's refreshing. And makes me feel like I'm not the only one who spews forth nonsense from time to time.

[Vikki]

Perception is so very complicated and insight is not always fun. I've always thought of myself as a shy but kind person. It was a sad day when I realized that I sometimes come across as an aloof bitch. No fun.

[jeanie]

Hey there Melissa - the feelings of you as an alienated teenager are very valid and it is healthy to get them out and move on. Don't curl yourself back up and deny her right.

Its great that she apologised and didn't realise - would have been far worse if she still remembered sticking it to you - and kudos to her on fronting you and both of you for discussing it.

That being said, happy house-selling vibes heading your way for short rich buyers to appear and offer 40k more than your asking price because they love the basement so much and get into a bidding war!

[IrishGoddess]

I was in a relationship with a woman when I was in high school. We were both mocked, teased, taunted - it was horrible. Every day I felt all eyes on me, I heard all the whispers and snickers, I tried to pretend I didn't notice them following me home calling me names. I felt ashamed and afraid every day. 20 years later, after somehow getting the nerve to go to my reunion, it STUNNED me to realize that many of them never thought much about it. Several of them said "oh, yeah, I heard those rumors..." but it certainly wasn't what they thought about daily. They, too, all had their angst and issues to deal with. One of the rotten things about high school is how we all feel our problems are RIGHT THERE IN THE SPOTLIGHT, when truly it is in our minds that our problems are the worst. It is bittersweet, isn't it, to remember the pain, but look at it from a different persepective.

[carosgram]

I really liked this post for many reasons. Of course it reminded me of times I have been unnecessarily cruel in my comments to others. It also clearly dealt with the issue that when we are children we see things through a child's eye and our perceptions of what happened may not jive with reality. That doesn't mean the hurt was any less real, just that the cause was more our perceptions of events rather than other people's motives. But I guess what I liked most was your ability to be so open. You risk greatly but your reward is that so many of your readers like you just the way you are - not perfect and not trying to appear so. I'm glad you were able to finally get some clarity on what happened before and that you were able to move on the form a better relationship with that woman today. I hope that your good fortune keeps up and you sell the house quickly, for more money than you are asking for.

[Suebob Davis]

Owning up to your inner (or outer) bitch is a powerful thing to do.

I know that this is your blog and that it is basically about you, the writer, but it is also about us, your readers. Telling your painful stories is a service to us. It allows us to feel more human, to say "Aha - other people were feeling the same kind of terrible awkward loneliness that I was."

So while letting your bitch out may have hurt a few people, it probably helped hundreds more. That is the risk we writers take. If we are totally raw and honest, people may get hurt in the process. But if we are lucky, human life becomes a little more bearable and makes more sense to other readers.

[memilygiraffe]

Hmm, why don't you practice saying this to yourself? :) "I am a nice woman. I like people and they like me." Then you can make good on it and think about things you like about the lady you wrote about, and then think about things you like about yourself. If you tell yourself you're a bitch, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You seem like someone who has a lot of guilt (this is from the perspective of someone who just read about 4 posts of your blog, but I think it's a good hunch.) You sound like you've had some hard times. Don't let things drag you down. Everyone makes choices about how they deal with the things life throws at them.

Best.

[superblondgirl]

Sometimes I'm just a bitch, too. I think that if something hurts you, you lash out sometimes, and that's what happens. It's weird looking back and realizing that probably no one noticed how weird and sad I was either, because they were all stuck in their own little high school dramas.

[PK]

So you can be a bitch. The thing that absolves you is that you spend the afternoon churning over it instead of blowing it off or denying it or justifying it or whatever. Not that that makes it ok to be awful to people, but it makes it ok to forgive yourself for the bitchiness sometimes.

[madame sosostris]

"Please, let's not turn this comments section into more attacking or picking apart this woman. I'll have to shut down comments."

Sorry. I didn't think I was doing that. Glad you've reached an understanding with her.

[grudgegirl]

I have been reading you for so long now, and this is the first time I've been brave enough to comment. Actually, I should amend that. Sometimes, when you're going through something particularly emotional, I can't read you for a few days because it makes me so raw. I feel inordinately protective of you, I think, because our reactions and responses to things are SO similar. When you're embarrassed, I'm embarrassed. When you're furious, I'm furious. When you can't let something go, GOD, I get that.

I hope that someday I can get to the point that you seem to here, a gracious, insightful, and mature analysis of your own actions and motivations, and a sincere attempt to rectify any hurt you may have caused.

I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it. You give me hope.

[susies]

If anyone were to bash blogging in my presence, I think I'd link them to this post to refute every argument they have against laying your life out there for the world. There's so, so much good in this post - good for the reader, good for the writer. Other commentors have said it far better than me, but this was a powerful post in a lot of ways.

And, hey, don't you think "Sometimes I'm just a bitch" teeshirts would sell like hotcakes??

[alyce]

Good on you, Melissa.
And good on her, too, for being upfront with you once she discovered it (or was faced to confront it, since those other people hardly could ugave her a choice).

Being a grownup is hard.

I'm with susies. I 'd buy that t-shirt.

[Jessica]

Melissa - you are just making your way through this incredibly complicated and emotionally charged life like the rest of us. Some of us are just more emotionally charged than others. I completely relate to you, but I also know other people who've never felt like us. Don't beat yourself up. You are living and growing and developing and examining yourself all the time so you become a person you like. We all stumble and fumble, at least I do, and you have a lot of us out here that relate to everything you say and care for you just exactly the way you are - blemishes and all. I appreciate you. Keep up the good fight.

[Hearbeats]

Its funny I read this post today because last night I came to a similar realization and more or less said the same thing to myself. I often feel bad after I've acted in such ways and I'm constantly trying to figure out why I act the way I act, and treat people the way I do. It's a battle between saying how you feel and considering people's feelings. And its something I'm still working on. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

[Angelina]

I'm sorry that both of you had this experience but I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one this has happened to.

I think I was much worse than you in my offense, and definitely even sorrier. The only redeeming action on my part was to actually call the woman I had offended and apologize. Which was challenging because I wasn't actually sorry for what I said, just that I said it in such an insensitive way. The woman was really impressed that I called her up to talk about it.

Which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Besides give birth.

And break my hip.