New Guy.

My sister is the third child in our family. Because she is the third child there are four pictures of her as a baby in existence. I hear this is true, though I have yet to see one.

My mother told my sister a picture of me just home from the hospital was actually a picture of her. I know that is a picture of me because I have a weird almost cleft palate, the room is full of boxes because my parents bought the house the week before I was born and also because on the back it says 1973, four years before my sister was born.

There are precious few pictures of my sister even as a child and almost all of those are polaroids. My sister had a baby book. The first page reads, "Teri Lynn Williams Born May 31, 1977" Then, apparently my sister failed to perform anything more interesting than that.

Sometimes, because my sister is the baby of the family, I have trouble remembering she is no longer this child. Even though she hasn't worn a bathing suit in more years than even me.

Sometimes I forget she isn't this little girl who calls her tennis shoes her "Tenny Runners" and Mrs. Mitchell, the neighbor down the street with the seven kids, "Mitchell Mom".

Sometimes I forget she isn't the little girl who could eat her body weight in ribs.

I try to forget when we were forced to wear hideous dresses and she looked like a demonic child, but I'm having a hard time forgetting.

The other day my sister sent me an email because she'd gotten a dream job she'd been hoping for. The job with a large ad agency, with benefits Up The Ass (that's what her offer letter said) and more money than she thought possible. I screamed with joy because I was so happy and also confused. My sister is 17, how can she be making that much money?

Max had a friend over at the time and they both came running up, "What is it?"

"Teri got a great job. I'm so happy for her!"

The boys cheered and ran around the room like lunatics as they often do.

Then Chase stopped, "Who's Teri?"

Over Thanksgiving my brother was in town with my favorite sister in law so we had everyone over to our house for Chicken Shack because my brother lives for Chicken Shack and if my sister in law would let him he'd put a big greasy drumstick in one pocket and a pile of 'broasted' potatoes in his other pocket to have for later.

My sister came with her boyfriend Mike, who my sister in law named "New Guy" because there have been a few boyfriends for my sister, especially since she's still 12. One gave me a painting of a nude for Christmas one year. I think the model was my sister and that was awkward. One unemployed one told us he didn't have a job because even monkeys could work at a gas station. Which is kind of amusing because what he's saying is even monkeys have more motivation than him. My brother's head exploded. We like to get her boyfriends drunk at Christmas and do obscene things just so the cream rises to the top. ('Old Guy" rose to the challenge but then, I think Choppable scared him away.) "New Guy" we just fed a lot of trans fats and he loved it.

On Saturday my sister called me and I didn't answer because I never answer. She called Logan's phone and I worried something was wrong. She said, "Mike and I are getting married!"

And for a brief moment I was ready to do my Snotty Big Sister thing, "Are you sure?" Because she's only like 8. But then I remembered, because of that baby book with the one page filled in, she's going to be 30. She's a grown up.

She's having the best week ever.

When we told Maddie Aunt Teri was marrying Mike, she said, "Can I still call him 'New Guy' or do I have to call him Uncle Mike now?"

These are important questions.

Comments

[virginia]

Love the matching dresses! My mother used to do hideous things like that to me and my sisters. I can completely sympathize with you on the weirdness of baby siblings getting married. My brother got married this past June and it seemed like he was waaay too young. I'm 42 - He's 30. I can remember changing his diaper for god's sake! What's really strange is that to me he seems younger than my own daughter who got married the summer before him. Congrats to TeriLynn.

[Amy]

I vote for "Uncle New Guy".

[Bensmom]

I too had a version of that dress. Only mine was in brown tones. Yipee! I think I wore mine to school once near Thanksgiving as my 1st grade self thought it very pilgrim-like. (Why oh why do I remember that?)
Where does Choppable hail from?
Aunt Teri and Uncle New Guy sounds about right to me.

[Kyran]

I have the same disorientation around my "baby" sister. everytime she has a birthday and tells me how old she is, I think, "that can't be right." Because that would make me...

...that much older.

[slouching mom]

Those dresses are right out of Little House on the Prairie. I'm thinking that bad Nellie wore one just like those.

I was the baby sister. I guess I'm still the baby sister, which is pretty laughable.

[ozma]

What's the age difference between you guys? I have to give my little girl a sister before it's too late! Sisters ROCK.

[mp]

I think you and your sister raided my childhood closet. Only there were 3 of us sisters in our family photos. The "baby" came later. Her birth certificate says she was born in 1979, but to me she's still in high school. I'm close, right? MY baby sister got married 2 years ago (we're now fully adjusted to Uncle Marc) and we recently were told that a new baby is on the way. Gulp. I guess they just don't teach those teenagers about birth control! She's only 13, so she shouldn't even be having S-E-X, right??! Yikes. When reality hits, it slaps you silly. I'm almost 10 yrs older than her, which means I'm TOO OLD. I still see myself as still totally able to fit in on a college campus. Of undergrads. yeah, right - denial is beautiful.

Congrats to your clearly talented and happy sister. Good news!

[Notredame9207]

Congrats to your baby sister and the "new guy" on their engagement! I too am the youngest (of 7 kids though) and a 1977 baby....that must have been a really good year!!!

I've been with my current bf for 5 years and my neices and nephews have come up with so many silly names for him, that when one of their friends came over to visit, my neice who is 9, wasn't able to tell her friend his real name!!

I vote for "Uncle New Guy" as well....it's better than what my neices came up with for my bf.....hopefully he's "the one" for her....unless his name is Jerry b/c Teri and Jerry is just weird!

[Tommy from Michigan]

Kick ass post.

[superblondgirl]

New Guy works better, I mean, how many Mikes are out there, and how many New Guys? It's more descriptive. This was a cute post - except for Choppable, who scares the bejesus out of me, and for those dresses (also scary). You were a cute baby!

[sneakyg]

Congratulations to your sister and Uncle New Guy!

My baby sister was born when I was in college, and now she's preparing to apply to college herself. Talk about making a person feel old ...

[angela marie]

Congrats to New Guy and Little Sister! And a new job, yay!

I've noticed that our pictures are waning as we go from our oldest to our youngest. Well, not pictures, but home videos. We have a TON of Chase (12), but almost none of Gracie (4). And the two in between? Varying degrees.
I suck.

[cce]

This post rang a lot of bells with me. I'm the third child, I filled out my own baby book when I was ten and wrote really glowing things about myself because my parents had failed to record anything at all. My older brothers spent YEARS chasing off boyfriends with sick jokes, name calling and other completely absurd and juvenile stuff that is now funny but was exceedingly irritating back in the day. Thanks for making me laugh all over again and giving me some comfort that these things happen to third children the world over.

[bgirl]

Great post! My baby sister is turning 29 but when I talk to her on the phone I swear the picture in my mind is of her at 14. I wonder if that will ever go away?

[cce]

By the way, it's only funny after you're married and your siblings can't chase off another potential mate. So congrats to your sister.
cce @ madmarriage

[Womanwithkids]

Oh, he should stay New Guy until "Uncle Mike" is earned... My brother's nine years younger than me, and now he's a marine. Since when did the marines accept infants, because I'm still 16? Right??

[BOSSY]

Does this mean we get to look forward to photos of you in a hokey Bridesmaid dress? Congrats.

[m.]

Bershon + Pinafore = BERSHONAFORE!! Please immediately release a 7" single of your rocking Bershonafore tunes, Melissa...

Hooray for Happy Week in your fam! Here's hoping the good luck rubs off on your house, too. :)

[Lisa]

Great post, I too have a baby sister born in '77.

I seem to have a bad habit of calling my sister by my daughter's name and vice versa. I always thought it was because my daughter should have been my sister's kid, they are too much alike and the fact that I am 7 years older than my sister so guess who was mom's favorite (cheap) babysitter ~ I practically raised that kid?

But now you've got me thinking maybe it's because my sister is still 10, not turning 30 because of course I'm still not 30 yet :)

[Mo]

I so enjoyed reading this post because it is exactly how I feel about my baby sister. She can't be older than 15 and it's crazy that she has a grownup job and is thinking of buying her first house. Her longtime boyfriend is called "Aunt Matt" by my kids because we've been unsure what to call him. He didn't like "uncle" because he felt it put pressure on him to marry my sis (do it already, man!) so it's his own fault that he is now Aunt Matt.

[Angel]

My sister and I had our share of the hideous 70's matching dresses LOL. In fact that one looks particularly familiar, but I think ours had lime green instead of red sleeves.

I won't even get into the neglect over my kids' baby books :::hanging head::::

[Shannon K.]

I have a brother 15 years younger than I who is still a toddler to me. In fact I call my son by my brothers name at least once a day. Even my younger sister is only 2 1/2 years younger, but it freaked me out when she got married and I know when the baby news rolls around I will be in denial.

[Crouching Hamster]

Love this post! Well written.

[TeriLynn]

Of COURSE the one day I don't read your site, you write the shit that makes me cry!
You are the best.

-Miao.

[Shelly]

OH Melissa. I'm that 3rd child in my family and you hit the nail on the head. My mother just a few weeks ago was trying to say a picture of my sister was me.... it wasn't.... because mine are all polaroid pictures.... and there's only 5. I think I stopped growing up around the age of 13.

shelly

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

After my SIL broke off her engagement she brought a friend over to my in-laws for dinner. She introduced him as "my friend Brian" so of course Joe and I proceeded to call him "Friend Brian" all night.

She and Friend Brian are now engaged and we STILL can't stop.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Also?

I'm pretty sure I had that same hideous dress.

[Jessi Louise]

I want a sister.