I have eaten my weight in freshly made tortilla chips.

i should know by now that vacationing with children does not resemble what you'd hope a vacation would resemble. I say this in the sense that I've been in 3 museums, a cavern 180 feet in the ground and very nearly killed by zebras who would like to eat the animal feed you have but also your brains, in a drive through safari ranch. I've done all this in the last two days and day two is only now coming to an end.

Right now the children are swimming with Logan and I am sitting down to write but it's awfully difficult to slow my brain down while I'm not at home. Home where I am easily able to slow my brain down because all I'm thinking about is selling my house. Which I AM NOT THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW. AT ALL. I was going to just load up a few pictures because I have some nice ones, including a few in the "This Is Melissa Crabby At [Fill In Attraction]" series.

I swear I'm not crabby but Logan waits until I press my lips together to spread my lipstick and I look sort of grumpy. Or he waits until we've spent 10 minutes trying to get a random man on the street to take our picture in front of the Alamo and he keeps hitting the 'self timer' button rather than the shutter button so that we're standing there squinting in the sun thinking this is a lot more trouble than it's worth. There are no pictures I like less than pictures of people in front of the place they are. These pictures tell me absolutely nothing about the vacation other than we stood. in. front. of. the. alamo. Then he says, "Okay just one more!" I look grumpy then.

Fine, maybe I've been a little grumpy a couple of times. If a zebra slobbered on your hand, you might feel a little grumpy too.

I would share those pictures but it appears my connection to the internet is a fickle little pain in the ass and isn't going to let me.

Today as we went to the Children's Museum in San Antonio after a life-saving stop at Rosario's for chips, salsa and sangria. This stop saved us from familial homicide, four ways. I ran into Walgreen's to get a bandaid for my blister. As I stopped  outside to put it on, a homeless woman asked me for some change. I politely declined and continued fiddling with my phone. She asked if she could use my phone and I said, "We're from out of town so the roaming charges are exorbitant."

Which is the polite way to say, "Look lady, I'm crabby not stupid."

Maddie watched this interaction and was visibly concerned I did not help this woman out. I explained that we help homeless people by giving a donation at Christmas to our local shelter and that I would let someone borrow my phone if they were in distress but not just so they can have a chat with Jesus or whomever else they think they've got on speed dial.

We stood waiting for the crosswalk to change and I noticed homeless lady saunter up next to Maddie who was to the right of me. She reached out and *squeezed* my daughter's head and shook it saying something either in another language or in her own created language. Something which did not sound menacing but did sound purposeful.

What has stuck with me about that moment is how unprepared I was for some stranger to put a hand on one of my kids. And how I responded internally with a fiery ball of adrenaline which made me want to scratch this woman's eyes out but I responded outwardly by saying:

"Oh no no no....now let's not do that please."

Like God Damn Mary Fucking Poppins.

*Updated to add: Here are the first of (probably) many Pictures Of Melissa: Crabby On Vacation. Wow, that woman is crabby. (Only I swear I'm not!)

Comments

[BOSSY]

Wait - so like: Is Bossy commenting first? Because that would be totally distracting if Bossy were commenting first. It would practically make Bossy forget to tell you that you need to keep in mind that you are starring in a movie about the woman whose house sells while she's on a family vacation.

[KYouell]

Ack! I hate strangers who think they can touch my kids! What is wrong with these people???

I've had to take my son with me to the grocery store during the week prior to both of his heart surgeries and it just seems that's when the nutsos who must touch babies come out. Damn freaks. I finally started grabbing his hands and saying to them that he doesn't understand that he's about to go in for surgery so can't touch people (he's almost 2 btw). That worked much better than telling people that they can't touch him. I've actually told a woman she couldn't touch him and why and then she *took off her gloves* to give him a little "blessing" touch. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Make.them.stop!

[KYouell]

Ack! I hate strangers who think they can touch my kids! What is wrong with these people???

I've had to take my son with me to the grocery store during the week prior to both of his heart surgeries and it just seems that's when the nutsos who must touch babies come out. Damn freaks. I finally started grabbing his hands and saying to them that he doesn't understand that he's about to go in for surgery so can't touch people (he's almost 2 btw). That worked much better than telling people that they can't touch him. I've actually told a woman she couldn't touch him and why and then she *took off her gloves* to give him a little "blessing" touch. AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Make.them.stop!

[Lori]

I stopped going to the Walgreens near me because the homeless people that hang out there are on just the scary side of crazy. I now drive in the other direction and go to CVS, which is much better.

I think you handled the situation perfectly. No need to scare Maddie or fire the woman up. And Mary Poppins is pretty damn cool.

[The Lady Harvatine]

A very similar thing happened to my youngest sister on a family vacation to Quebec City. A very dirty homeless man pet her hair. My dad's response was a very forceful "No sir!"

[Millie]

Yesterday, at the store, my two-year-old -- who was two hours past her nap -- threw a toy of the cart. A man walked up to her and started shaking his finger at her and said, "YOU DON'T THROW THAT TOY. THAT'S NOT NICE. THAT'S BAD, YOU DON'T DO THAT." I was stunned into silence, and it's only when her quivering lip turned to screams that I reacted and picked her up. "THAT'S MEAN," I managed (weak) and he'd already walked away. I've been stewing over my own ineffectiveness ever since, and wish I could turn back the clock so I could:

a) say firmly "Don't talk to my daughter that way." and

b) Punch him in the face.

Gah.

[Jodi]

Sounds like a - mostly - fun vacation. I will add, that both times I have sold our personal houses, offers have come in while on vacation. Also, I am a Realtor, and every time I get super busy, it's when I am on vacation. This could be what you need!!

And, mmmmmmmmmmm, freshly made tortilla chips... Heaven...

[virginia]

"Like God Damn Mary Fucking Poppins."

Have you seen the real Mary Poppins?
http://www.thedisneyblog.com/tdb/2006/12/mary_poppins_re.html

[superblondgirl]

Aaack, you don't touch other people's kids!!! That freaks me out. You need margaritas to get over that.

[arithmancy]

Someone touching my childlren would really squick me out.

That said, I always feel guilty for NOT helping these people. Once we met an elderly woman in a store and she admired my children and told us how lonely she was; her husband had recently died and they had had no children. That night I felt badly for her and told my husband we should have invited her to Thanksgiving dinner. He rolled his eyes.

Another time, when I was in high school, my mom and I were eating at KFC and a homeless man came in (ironically he looked a lot like Santa) and they gave him some coffee and a biscuit. I remember giving him what we were going to take home. My mother was stunned. We sat in the car and she said, "I was looking forward to eating that." I said, "me too, but he looked like he needed it more."

I am such a sucker for that stuff. If it weren't for my husband I would be the proud sponser of 50 third world children. If he even sees a panhandler in our path he grabs my hand and rushes me by...sigh...

Damn that Baptist education (and Mary Poppins which I watched 50 gabillion times as a kid)

[Hetty]

If you have time left in SA, you might visit the McNay Art Museum. Very nice place ... an old mansion that has been converted to a museum, lots of very good 19th c. art and a lovely courtyard that is almost as soothing as fresh tortilla chips. :)

And btw, the original Mary Poppins (in the book, not the movie) was Not to Be Trifled With. You could do worse than to channel her!

[Beacon Hillbillies]

I lived in San Antonio for four years, so I'm glad that you've hit all the good spots. That being said, have you been to La Fogata? GO THERE. I cannot imagine that you're friend wouldn't agree that it's the best place in town to get margaritas. Seriously.

[Beacon Hillbillies]

I lived in San Antonio for four years, so I'm glad that you've hit all the good spots. That being said, have you been to La Fogata? GO THERE. I cannot imagine that you're friend wouldn't agree that it's the best place in town to get margaritas. Seriously.

[Bensmom]

Its an unwritten rule that you have to be crabby when you go to the alamo.
(I have pics of myself to prove it!). Glad that you are enjoying(!) SA, though the rain has certainly not been helpful. I think this has been a record May for rainfall. Just your luck, I know. I second the above poster on La Fogata. Excellent, and they give you an orchid in your margarita. Don't forget to try out the Mexican Martini while you're here.

[Ginger Spice]

Wow. Sounds like you're just a blast to vacation with. Your sense of adventure and positive attitude amaze me. Isn't your family lucky to be spending so much time with you? I wonder why you didn't just stay home...?

[Melissa Summers]

Wait a minute, you're being sarcastic aren't you?

Now now "Ginger Spice" with the same IP as "Rosie" do you just read this site to be annoyed? Because that's actually quite positive and adventurous. I wonder why you didn't just not read my site.

But you're right, having my picture taken at the Alamo and having my kid's head shaken by a homeless woman is incredibly adventurous.

Also, this one post encompasses my entire 5 day vacation. Believe me nothing else has happened.

Hugs and kisses.

[Kelly]

Augh. I hate it when people want to touch my kids, followed closely by when I was pregnant and strangers felt it was their right to touch my ever-expanding waist-line.

However, as much as I reviled nutters patting my belly, I really can't stand complete strangers touching, patting, tousling, or caressing my children. And yet, despite how much I disklike it, I never quite know what to say to the toucher, and usually come out sounding a bit Poppin-ish myself, much to my dismay.

[Matthew M. F. Miller]

When people whisper to me, as if they are trying to keep our conversation a secret when in reality it generates the vocal equivalent of a flashing neon sign, I sometimes get the urge to smack their lips off.

Gossip is louder when delivered in whispers. Really people, stop speaking ill of others in hush tones and start doing it at full-voice, behind closed doors.

[NicoleP]

Melissa, this isn't really related to this post... well, except for the crabiness... but I thought you'd enjoy this article from Slate disproving The Secret. Negative thinking can save us all: http://www.slate.com/id/2167191?nav=tap3