My husband: lover of lawn servicemen.

While Logan was with the kids in Indianapolis and I was in San Francisco, the trees finally turned green and the lawn came to life and swallowed our house. When we all got home, there wasn't much time to mow because of the rain and because of our schedules and so we pulled out the machete and cleared a path and left it like that for almost a week.

On Thursday night I was outside taking new pictures of the exterior of our house now that the trees are green and things look alive. My neighbor, not the bad ones, came over and asked how it was going. I told him we'd dropped the price and I was trying to get a better picture with the trees all green.

We both looked at the house for a minute, lamenting the market and he said, earnestly, "Maybe you could mow the lawn."

Gee, do you think the jungle in our yard was deterring potential buyers?

He went on to tell us about his lawn service and how much they charge and on Saturday morning they came to our house and they mowed and weed whacked around the miles and miles of fencing and they edged.....they edged the miles and miles of concrete surrounding our house and our 4 different concrete walkways and the long, long driveway.

And Logan watched and said, "I've never been sexually aroused watching men work before but I'm pretty sure I'm turned on right now."

Then they pulled out the leaf blower and did what it takes Logan and a broom almost an hour to do in 5 minutes, and I think he may have had an orgasm.

***

You didn't think I would miss a chance to talk house did you? Look I put it down here so you could just leave with the image of Logan being sexually satisfied by someone using a leaf blower. But now you don't want that in your head do you? And you can't get it out. Here, read this.

On Saturday we met with the realtors and the owner of the New Dream House, which is right across from the Old Dream House. Dream House is a little overpriced and, even if it were well priced for the market, a little too much for us to afford. But we love Dream House. We love the big open kitchen/dining room and the family room with a doorwall to a brick patio. We love the idea of not living as slaves to home improvement projects and most of all we love the neighbors.

If I could fit Dream House into a Baby Bjorn I'd practice attachment parenting with Dream House, I love it like that. I would never put down Dream House, I would never want him to believe I was neglecting his needs. I wouldn't let him cry it out, I'd hold him until he fell asleep.

While we talked to our realtor after the meeting the neighbors were out and waving over and I waved back and then real live children on bikes (!) rode by and said 'Hi!' and then the sky opened up and koala bears and unicorns and rainbows fell from the sky and I mashed my body into Dream House and told Logan I couldn't leave, this house needs me. He and my realtor physically removed my body from Dream House and my arms ached. As we drove away one of the neighbors said he'd get some holy water to sprinkle on the house to make sure we get it.

I have never been this spiritual in my entire life.

We can't bid on this house or sign anything until we sell this house. I've tried to convince myself otherwise, as you might imagine I would because that's how I am. One-minded. But there's this thing called "Reality" and Reality is cruel. Reality would not co-sleep with me and I would definitely feed it formula and let it cry it out all night long. (Sarcasm Helper: I love my kids and guess what I did when they were babies? All of the above.)

We can't possibly pay for two houses and this market is so fucking annoying soft, (I'm being gentler and more positive) there are no guarantees there will be a buyer for our incredibly well priced house. I tried to make Max look as sweet as I could for the meeting so the owner would fall in love with us and couldn't imagine squashing the dreams of such an adorable little boy, with freckles.

I've decided to live The Secret, no not the one about that thing you do with your ring finger while giving blow jobs*. No the Oprah one about giving power to what you focus on. I am focusing all my energy on the new house, on how wonderful it would be. I'm picturing myself there, shamelessly, without suspicion. Believe it. Achieve It, Baby! (That's a Loganism and one which has caused me to throw a chair at his head in the past.)

I'm picturing the trampoline in the backyard and the kids riding bikes with friends up and down the street and I'm picturing buying more than one cupboard of food at a time and I'm even picturing Mai Tais made with crushed ice directly from our freezer. This could all back fire of course if our house doesn't sell in a month and we can't make it happen because then I'll be spending hours in my mind moving all my furniture out of the place and weeping while I crush ice in the blender for my Mai Tais.

Also the house will weep real tears if we are kept apart any longer.

*I have only one blow job secret and it doesn't involve a technique. Here's the secret: There's really no such thing as a "bad" blow job, especially once you're married. Unless you lick it like a popsicle. Irritating.

**Wow, I thought we were talking house to get any sexual images out of your head. Sorry.

Comments

[Papa Urchin]

Oh baby let me tell you, there ain't nothin' like getting your lawn mowed.

[De in D.C.]

It is a very good thing that you paid men to mow your yard. We hire the cute 17yo girl next door to do ours. Having Pants think inappropriate thoughts about any 17yo is both disturbing and wrong.

Of course, our neighbor doesn't use a leaf blower at the end. So I guess you wouldn't have to worry after all *grin*

[shawna barrington]

Are you not able to make an offer on the Dream House that is contingent on you selling your current home (in other words, you don't close on the new house until you have an offer on the old one)?

I live in a different state (TN), but it's pretty common down here. And as bad as the market seems to be in MI, you'd think the sellers would take the contingency offer rather than no offer at all.

[dutch]

a gay man used to pay me $25 to mow his lawn shirtless when I was in high school.

[virginia]

Nice thing about having a 16-year-old son? We get free lawn care that includes weed-whacking and edging. But definitely no sexual side-effects.

On the house front, the good news is that the market is just as soft for the slightly overpriced Dream House too. You should be able to get it for a much nicer price than they are asking. We also do the contingent on sale of current house thing in Missouri.

[Sumo]

Um, I'm thinking the ring finger thing could potentially ruin the experience for me (and my wife). I guess I could give it a whirl, but I'd just as soon settle for the plain BJ, no sides.

[Kim]

My husband had the same issue with registering for wedding gifts - he loved using the gun in a major, major way.

[Nifle]

Unless the person giving the blow job takes the name literally and tries to inflate the recipient. Then, it's a VERY bad blow job.

[MoreAshley]

Dutch's comment reminds me of the creepy guy from Family Guy. Good stuff!

[accidentalhousekeeper]

Oh, PAAAPER BOOOYYYY!!

[jenB]

This post has everything I like about a blog post. Grass, boners, and Real Estate.

[empressofdirt]

I check here every day just hoping you've sold that sucker you're living in. Maybe if we all give god a bj, things will move along now. That's the real secret. :-D

Love the banner!

[slouching mom]

Oh, you darling girl, just think about the traffic you'll be getting after today's post.

Crack me up, you. And Logan too.

[bgirl]

I'm getting a tshirt made that says "Suburban Bliss Made Me Blush."

[BOSSY]

Next you need to picture your house sold. Moving the things out of the cabinets and giving the kitchen one last sweep.

[SueFromOhio]

1st: Dutch...Oooh Weeee

2nd: This was the most hilarious post EVER!

3rd: Definitely look into a contingency. You can usually do one for quite a while, although if they get an offer in the mean time, they can take it. You should try it.

4th and final: Can you send me some of The Secret? (my husband bought that book but I'm not ambitious enough to read it...)

[TeriLynn]

Dammit, Lis!

[christy]

Now all you have to do for Logan is put on those man-saving panties and whisper huskily, "you wanna trim my edges, baby?" and he will be your slave forever.

PS - I was this close to making a Bush joke and I didn't. Look how I am growing as a person.

[MomVee]

What an amazing coincidence. We also entered the wonderful world of Lawn Service this weekend, but we were both so aroused by the trimmed walkways, etc. that we were able to work it out on each other. Also, we are so totally unable to afford the Dream House I recently identified that for the next month I will use all my focus on getting you yours instead.

[TheQueen]

"really no such thing as a "bad" blow job, especially once you're married."

I disagree. I suck at blow jobs.

[VenturaMom]

You slay me. Thanks for the laugh and inappropriate images in my head.

[superblondgirl]

That post was sexxxy. I think I'll have to watch the lawn guys next time they come to see if they use leaf blowers for me to fantasize about.

[Jen]

After all this time, it was Melissa that got me to sign up for a damn account. Hi! You've entertained me since forever, Thanks!

I'm trying to live The Secret too! The dialogue in my own head is so weird;

Me: "this is our house, we're going to live in it before Alex starts Kindergarten, we're going to own it, ..."

AlsoMe: "Yeah whatever, you'll never own a house like that, maybe you could rent it, maybe if the landlord was like some perv that rented it cheap and you always wondered about cameras and shit

Me: Shutup! This is the POTS beeatch, I'm gonna go pick out some furniture.

AlsoMe: You fool! Clean the bathroom in the place you got.

Me: I don't hear you. I don't hear you.

The crazy thing though? So far I've "attracted" a microwave, bunk beds, and used bras!! Keep believing!!