If you get this quiz wrong you need a tutor.

Reasons Logan sent me this email today: "FYI: I have to go out of town tomorrow until friday night. Talk to you soon."

A) His eyeballs were being clawed out by a wild turkey and he could only feel around the keys to communicate with me.

B) There was a freak accident in the office kitchen where he lost his tongue and was unable to speak.

C) A wild boar had eaten his cellphone along with his desk phone.

D) He knew I would lose my shit because we're having 30-60 people to our house on Saturday for a party to show off all the work we did to this house for nothing since no one wants to buy it.

Surprise! The answer is D.

But don't worry! We'll get everything done when he gets home, after we take the kids to the Fun Fair Friday night and we'll do the rest Saturday during the day. I definitely shouldn't do anything between now and then because everyone throws together large parties in around 12 hours.

It's not Logan's fault of course and thankfully a lot of the guests are Logan's new co workers who would be happy with a bag of cheetos and some wine coolers taken from someone's parents refrigerator. You know, since they're all 13.

Also, in case you were wondering if I forgot to tell you, no the house hasn't sold. Because probably one day you'll come to this site and I'll be like, "Hey! We were just sitting around having pre dinner cocktails and a couple neighbors popped in while the kids played TV Tag in the front yard with a few kids from the neighborhood."

Right.

Comments

[Tonja]

I don't want to make you too sad, but my home in MI has been for sale since December. So I feel your pain. And it really is a joy to keep the house clean with two toddlers, a dog and a cat ...

[slouching mom]

That's just the kind of e-mail my hubs would send. They just live on a different plane.

The oblivious plane.

(Gotta love 'em anyway. They're nice. And loving. Just...oblivious.)

[Kyran Pittman]

classic. but doesn't he know the "give the bad news in a public place" manuever?

[a happier girl]

Emailing that info was a nice touch. Then you don't have to see or hear the person's initial annoyed reaction. My husband's tactic is to just throw it into conversation as if he already told me. So I get to start out confused and then move to annoyed.

[Vanessa]

Oy.... he is in trouuuuuuuuuuble!
Make him pay, Melissa, make him pay!

[Jenn]

The Fireman has the same irritating tactic as Happier Girls husband...it's SO maddening! I used to think I was going crazy but now I'm on to his game. Dope.

[Suebob]

My new, improved plan: make the children do all the work. Isn't that what they are there for?

[karyn]

I can feel your pain, as our house has now been on the market for almost 6 weeks, in a market where everything else in the neighbourhood is selling in about 3 weeks. And our house is spotlessly clean, totally updated, excellent neighbourhood, good price, etc., etc., etc. But it's a small town and the right buyer hasn't come yet.

Imagine how great I felt this morning when I read the newspaper and a huge article blared at me that the housing market in the big city an hour away from me is SO! HOT! that buyers must be prepared to go tens of thousands above asking price as owners are receiving more than ten offers at a time.

At this point I am ready to go out and ninja kick the stupid For Sale sign in my yard.

[Kim]

I feel your pain too. Husband is gone for two weeks...my first time flying solo with two kids (2 and 7 weeks) for this long. And my house hasn't sold either, though we no longer live there and are paying two mortgages. This week we are having the floors redone and the whole place painted. Would have been nice if our realtor has suggested this work before we listed the house (and had to drop the price 15k) WHEN WE ASKED HER what work we should do. No, only after a realtor open house, a regular open house, a couple months of showings and many people telling her they don't like the carpet or the paint did she decide to share this little tidbit with us. Thanks. I must have forgotten what we are paying her for.... The only consolation is the six other houses for sale on our street haven't sold either.

Have a great party. I support the cheetos and wine cooler idea. More of the good stuff will be left for the grownups.

[Rhonda]

One of those 30-60 people will decide they need to buy your house, or at the very least know someone who would absolutely love to buy your house.
Just thought I'd help ya with the positive thought process...

[karen]

And Sunday morning you'll get a call from four different realtors wanting to show the house. That afternoon. And one of those families won't mind the fresh wine-cooler stains on the floor and the ground-in Cheetos, and they will BUY YOUR HOUSE and it will ALL BE WORTH IT.

[I, Rodius]

I know it's hard to wait, but it hasn't sold yet because the perfect situation hasn't fallen into place for you yet. We had a crappy townhouse in the "six cars per home, at least two of which are being worked on at any given moment, shirtless neighbors getting tattoos and hair-braiding in the front yard while their pit bulls roam loose mauling joggers and small children" neighborhood. We had it on the market for over a year before the perfect buyer came with cash from a workers comp head injury settlement. I guess the head injury allowed him not to notice the hundreds of reasons he shouldn't buy it. Now we're living in our perfect house in our dream neighborhood. So maybe your buyer hasn't yet recovered from his head injury, but he'll be along as soon as his settlement check clears.

Oh, have you tried burying the St. Joseph? HA HA Ha ha ha heh heh hmm... Sorry.

[Amy]

Yeah, MI economy not so good - my house in MI has been up for sale for 2 years now... the anticipation has definitely worn off.

[Matthew M. F. Miller]

Three words: Designed to Sell.

If your home can't be sold after inviting the experts from that show into the fold, it's hopeless.

As for Logan ditching - you should greet his return home with an all-Menudo dance party. Invite the neighbors.

[Megan]

tv tag? kids still play that? shouldn't we encourage them to move on to more healthy activities like book tag instead? Kids... (eye roll)

[Pete Dunn]

Meh, at least he told you before he left instead of while he was gone. Ok, I admin, in person would have been better but you might have punched him in the throat.

[Kate]

Matthew M.F. Miller, this house doesn't need Designed to Sell, this house IS Designed to Sell. Have you not seen the dozens of lust-worthy pictures? All the house needs is a buyer who appreciates the perfect, perfect bathroom and the updated kitchen and the massive closets and oh my god, did I mention the gorgeous built-in shelves? I have a special fondness for the gorgeous built-in shelves.

[melissaS]

Dude, you get Designed to Sell here and let them pay the $2000 budget and I am all over it.

I'm sure they'd be able to do the outside work it would cost me $4000-$5000 to do. Because in Designed To Sell Land money is fluid and grows amazingly to fit whatever you need to get done.

[Jennifer]

Email him a note about how you sunddenly need to be out of town on Saturday morning for a very important spa visit and if he could just do all that party planning while you are gone that would be just great.

[Tiggerlane]

I'm a real estate broker, and I'm all a-wonder as to why your house hasn't sold. And it's sooooo frustrating, isn't it? But, usually, when a client asks me "why?" - I have a good answer. It's either the location, the price, or the market. And you can't do anything about two of those.

Hang in there, and good luck!

[Mel]

I feel your pain. My house in Florida has been on the market since September. We've had two contracts that never made it to closing due to "financing" issues. This market sucks.

[melissaS]

It's definitely not the price. We are in a prime spot in the comps. it's just a matter of time and time is something I don't have.

[dutch from sweet juniper]

maybe one of logan's 13 year old co-workers with rich parents will fall in love with the guy who skateboards shirtless down your street with two cases of coors light under his arms and decide they want a nice starter home with a view of those delicious pecs 2 times a day along with a boat and a shitload of flam-spewing hot rods. lets slip one of them a roofy and then they can wake up with all the paperwork signed on their mortgage. do you need to be awake at a closing?

[Kate]

To all of you complaining about your houses not being sold in 6 weeks, on the market since December, on the market since September, blah blah blah, MINE has been on the market in Gilbert, AZ since JULY. JU. LY.

That's ELEVEN MONTHS, baby!

So screw all of you!

*takes swig from vodka bottle*

Seriously, though. I've spent a lot of time crying. The market took a dump there last year. And I have a super cute house with all new upgraded flooring, plus staged, that I've dropped the price on 5 times and have always stayed below market value.

Hope that makes someone feel better! ;)

[carosgram]

Do you think Meredith would understand that this is why we need to have martinis at our playdates?

[melissaS]

No, it doesn't make me feel better but, I'm sorry it's happening to you to. It actually makes me feel frantic because if I don't get out of here by the time the kids are out of school for 2-3 weeks, there will quite likely be a crack in the summers family.

Meredith would not understand, she would suggest we find healthy ways to relieve stress.

[jocelyn]

When I was a realtor I would have an afterhours wine thing for realtors only. More people show up in the afternoon rather than "caravan" in the morning, (if they do that there). Agents assume everyone is looking at the internet and they don't have to use the old tactics, but getting other agents inside rather than the driveby is really effective. I sold at least 3 houses that I was the 2nd agent (read: on market for 1 year+ with another agency)that way.

[Sara]

I would buy your house if I lived in MI--sketchy neighbors and all. It's darling. Someone will love it and not be able to live without it. Have you considered prayer candles to St. Joseph?

Unfortunately, I am unable to buy your house at the moment. I live in Austin where I will never be able to buy a house. It takes over $250k to live outside the hood. Until I get married, my ownership prospects are much more van down by the river than quaint bungalow.

[jane]

melissa, I think this chick ripped off your pacifier / martini glass combo.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070607/ap_en_ot/film_knocked_up_lawsuit

[Gail]

I'm just curious, are you ever happy? I read your blog and it's lots of whining about your healthy, mostly happy kids. You can't sell your amazing looking house because the neighbors-gasp-just aren't up to par. And you went on the Today show and -oh no- the psychologist disagreed with you. Sigh. Your life--happy marriage, good kids, vacations, nice home--seems pretty darn good. Wish you could blog about that....

[melissaS]

I wondered how long it would be before Typekey had to come back out.

I think I do write about the wonderful things and I also write about what other things are on my mind, Gail. And, if I only spent everyday here counting my glorious blessings one by one I'd get a whole slew of other criticism for 'bragging about my wonderful life', which I get all the time as well.

I can't win so I pretty much write what I want to and you have the choice of reading it or not.

That's all I can give you. There are thousands and thousands of blogs out there, I'm sure one will be better suited to what you enjoy reading about.

PS: Try rereading the explanation of my desire to move and my posts about the Today Show experience again....maybe with your eyes open this time.

[Melanie]

I think I'd kill him over that. Go to his office, find him, and kill him. So not fair.

And I love when you complain. And all the 10000 times you write about how great your life is and your kids and husband, too. Damn, don't read the blog if you don't like it, Gail!!

[Kirsten]

I missed the Today show post and I can't find a searching function - anyone able to provide a teensy bit of assistance? Please?

[Terri]

I got fired by email once. So tacky.