Anxiety: it's what's for lunch.

In shocking news the internet reaches all the way into the upper peninsula, they must have a very large extension cord. The drive was so long. So very, very, very long. Every time I started to feel sorry for myself I had to remind myself that my brother and his wife had to drive up from Indianapolis and that's even longer. I also had to remind myself of the idealistic people of the world who don't believe in portable dvd players in the car. Thank God we have no ideals and plenty of dvds because everyone arrived alive. If I were to do the trip over again, I'd probably break out the orange triaminic since my kids slept for about 35 minutes total in our 20 hours of travel.

The wedding was a lovely affair. My sister folded 1000 paper cranes which several family members helped to string up and put around the room. If you ever wondered what about 250 paper cranes looks like, here you go.

While we strung the cranes someone drank this. This drink I thought was a joke. It's like water....light!

Still the cranes turned out lovely at the reception.

Logan also made this for my brother (along with several others) after a florist mishap screwed up the order. The man can do anything, except fill the ice tray and put his clothes into the laundry chute.

In the end it was a beautiful wedding with a radiant and incredibly happy bride and that's all that matters.

Well it also matters that my sister in law, who has had the same bottle of vodka in her freezer since Logan and I's visit in August of 2006, drank four drinks plus a shot. Yes, they were bitch pops (plus a very girlish shot), but still.

Maddie was in the wedding and I worried a little that the stress of having people, you know, looking at her would be hard. The one time I was a flower girl, I walked down the aisle until the row my parents were in and then ran to them. I was so ashamed of myself I am looking down at the ground in all the pictures from that wedding. That particular uncle remarried and I was not in the wedding and I didn't ruin all their pictures either.

I braced myself for the worst as we rehearsed the event and kind of mentally prepared myself for the distinct possibility she wouldn't be able to do it. Maddie acknowledged she was nervous before we went down the aisle, or rather into the courtroom, but she marched out and was everything you'd expect a nearly 9 year old to be as a flower girl. Poised and happy. (Score another for expecting the worst and getting the best. Thank you Universe, again.)

Armed with this new side of my daughter, I thought she might just do great on her first day of school in a new school as a fourth grader. I expected the best so much, since she went to bed without tears and only expressed her concerns mildly throughout the day, I never once let a negative thought cross my mind. She'll be fine, I thought, she's grown up so much.

I didn't worry all day. Logan left her in the room talking to a couple girls and I thought she'd be fine. I didn't worry about it all day as I wrote this and then this. I was foolish enough to expect the best when I picked her up in the afternoon.

Max came out and told me what an "awesome" day he had. Who he played with, what he learned and all about his new teacher. Then Maddie came out and there were tears and many tales of the meanest girls you've ever heard of. They don't want to play with you even though they said they would, the lunch monitor thinks it would be better if you jumped off a cliff (she's certain that's what she was thinking), the new music teacher is the one you had a year ago and you hate her.

 

I thought if I expected positive, I got positive?

Tonight I'm saying lots of things like, "Every day will get better." And, "Remember how hard kindergarten was? That got better right?" And, "All you need is to find one friend. One friend will make it easier, you just have to keep trying."

And I'm saying all that and I'm trying to believe it. But I also know fourth grade is the prime time for cliques and I know how hard it is to get used to a new place and my heart is breaking for my daughter. I wish this wasn't so hard for her.

I wish it wasn't so hard for both of us. 

Comments

[boilermomof4]

Fourth grade is absolutely the worst. My suggestion is to bake a mess of chocolatey-gooey cupcakes and have her take them in to share. Instant popularity among the 4th grade set.

Also, girls are horrible until um, about 90 years old.

[Amy]

Oh, man. I'm a fourth grade teacher, and I know how rough the social scene is for the girls. There's not a whole lot you can do but be a shoulder to cry on, try to instill as much self confidence as possible (easier said than done, I know), and encourage the healthy friendships that will start to develop. Good luck to you and Maddie!

[Kellie Sullivan-Herring]

First of all, I LOVE the cranes. Love Them!

Second, there is nothing harder than being a girl in middle school and high school. Nothing. It sucks ass even when you are popular I think. The popular girls are always afraid of not being popular someday I think. At least that is what I tell myself now.

My heart is breaking also for Maddie. Good luck!

[heather2]

I totally share your pain. My daughter started 4th grade today at a new school - we just moved. It's even harder to sound reassuring to my own daughter when I don't respond well to reassurance myself.

I'm liking the cupcake idea though. Can I borrow it?

[KB]

The cranes are lovely.

Fourth grade - not so much. I hope that things look up for Maddie. Mean girls suck.

I know how you feel - my boy is so like me, it is like watching the train-wreck of my youth in slow motion - repeating itself.

I hope that Madison can recover and realize it just isn't that important. Of course, once she really embraces that - it won't even be a problem anymore.

[maiareads]

Love the origami (?) cranes too. Beautiful touch. Hang in there both of you. She will be befriended very soon. Is it a new school for her? Too bad my daughters were not in her class they would get along divinely.

[jeanie]

Oh, that is so horrible for your daughter. I had that with my daughter last year and on occasional days this year - and now you tell me it gets WORSE?

Good luck on being her best friend.

[Sarah Jackson]

Oh gosh. I'm so sorry. My little one started kindergarten this year and she's been very focused on the negative, so I understand how you feel. I'd love to be all reassuring and have sage advice, but instead I'll just sit next to you and pout too. This mom stuff is hard sometimes. She will make friends and she'll connect, but it takes time.

The wedding looks lovely though!

[Jennifer]

Can I just tell you how much I love, love, love, Max's hair in that first day photo. I can't get over how cute his little cow-lick is.

Also, I am sorry that Madison had a hard time. I remember fourth grade at a new school vividly. Poor girl.

[betseann]

I used to teach 4th grade. While it is the time when cliques form, it's also a time when children are still accepting and are to an extent innocent. It's sort of the calm before the storm of 5th grade & middle school. I had girls like her in my classes and it is my hope for Maddie and yourself that her teacher is savvy to these issues and has plans in place to make things easier for her.
Keep encouraging her, she'll make it through. In the mean time, you're doing a great job and should be proud of yourself.

[Kellie Mullin]

Its always hard being the new kid, but it will get better.

Lovin' Maddie's lunch bag, got one just like it yesterday for my kindergartner.

[joanne]

5th grade is even worse. I've got a boy, and oh man the girls just get meaner. He had one girl and boy that made everyone in their class miserable. Mean kids come from unhappy homes. They have to make other unhappy to be happy themselves. We learned that, and walked away with a sense of calm. Don't let them get to you.

[MelissaS]

That's good news since she's somehow landed in a 4/5 split. She gets the worst of both worlds!

[Sumo]

My mom's side of the family (the Japanese American side) got into the 1000 cranes for weddings awhile back. I have participated in folding cranes for my siblings and some cousins and am myself the proud owner of a box full of cranes from our wedding. I always hoped someone display their cranes using a big clear tube or sphere with a fan blowing the cranes around, kind of like the ping pong ball machines they use on the televised lottery drawings. So far it has always been done with strings.

[CursingMama]

Poor Maddie; I remember all of the social things being so difficult myself too, and then making bad decisions which only made everything else worse. Hopefully day 2 goes better, I'm sending all my good school vibes Maddies way.

[serafina pekkala]

Yikes...what a drag for the both of you. Might be a good time to read Queen Bees & Wannabes if you haven't yet. Technically it's about "adolescence" but it gives a good head start. My SIL recommends it -- she's an elem. school psychologist and runs a "no cliques" brown bag lunch group for boys and girls dealing with these issues. Hang in there!

On the upside, your whole family looks smashing in those wedding photos! I'm curious about your sister's pendant, it looks intriguing...congratulations to the happy couple. :) emily

[Jaycee]

Yeah, well, just wait till those 'idealistic people' have their second baby. That'll turn 'em to the dark side. Oh, and I'm with you on the 4th grade thing--only mine's a boy. Who doesn't like sports much. And likes to make jokes. Apparently the sports loving boys don't like to laugh. It's going to be a long year.

[G]

I'm so sorry about fourth grade. I wouldn't go through it again to save my life. Does she do martial arts? I am thinking that might be a panacea for all childhood difficulties.

The wedding looks gorgeous! And Maddie does, too!

[Katrina]

Sorry to hear about the 4th grade.
We moved and I started a new school in the MIDDLE of 4th grade. I was the 19th kid in the class (small private school) and the rest had been together since kindergarten. Needless to say, I had a horrible time fitting in. This continued all the way through and peaked in 7th/8th grade.
Every day was literal misery. When I wasn't feigning illness to avoid going, I was counting the days until I left for high school where there would be a much larger group of people to make friends with.

All I can suggest is to honestly listen to her complaints. My mothers 'best' and only advice was "Kill them with Kindness." No matter how nice I was to them, it never changed or improved the situation.
Looking back, I had honest complaints and things that hindered my self confidence and didn't help the situation. While all the girls had the cute keds, I was stuck with clunky ugly (to me) vans lace-ups. I'd have been happy with a $7 pair of the walmart imitation keds. In 7th grade when all the girls were starting to shave their legs, my mother put it off saying "oh, not yet, its so much hassle once you start!" These and other little, easily addressed items added up to an akward feeling in general and a lack of self confidence that cemented my outcast feeling.

[Vida]

Oh, poor girl. I think I was her in fourth grade. Except I was fugly, unlike your daughter, who looks like something out of a wedding magazine in that picture. I had not a single friend from third grade through fifth grade. I was teased mercilessly. It was awful, but now I'm kind of glad I went through all that. I'm still shy in ordinary situations, but the whole thing taught me how to deal with really unpleasant situations. For instance, I still won't talk on the phone, but when I'm waiting tables, and someone is particularly rude to me, I handle it much better than most of my coworkers--either by ignoring the rudeness completely, or putting that person in his place without being rude myself. I think that if elementary school had been easy for me, I would never have grown a backbone; that's not good for someone as shy as I am. That's not to say I advocate bullying; it's just that good can come even of that.

Maddie has the added advantage that her parents are actually concerned for her. I tried to tell my parents how awful school was for me, and they never took me seriously. They're not at all bad parents; they just thought I was exaggerating. Whether things get better or not (I hope they do, though), she will come out the other side just fine--especially with parents who listen to her.

[RuralSuburbiaHousewife]

I wouldn't worry too much. At this age, the girls are so horrible that the rest of her life will run relatively smoothly compared to school. And she will bond with one or two girls and they will get through it together.

You host a mean playdate, don't you? See if you can get one girl at a time at your house for a playdate. Maddie will be on her 'turf' and those girls will get to see what a cool mom she has! That's bound to score some points.

[merseydotes]

In fourth grade, Kathy Ellman taught me how to cuss in the girls bathroom. Just wait until the day Maddie comes home in tears and says, "What a fucking piece of shit day!" 8-)

Hope it gets better for everyone soon.

[Elizabeth]

I'm sorry to hear that Maddie is struggling. My son just started 4th grade, too, and I know how heart breaking it is to hear that they are unhappy. Luckily this transition is going well, for Noah. I hope things smooth out for her. You're right, it just takes one friend to turn things around. Good, solid mom advice...

[Lisa O]

Judy Blume was interviewed on NPR the other day. Maybe books would help Maddie? So she knows she experiencing something totally unique? (I remember reading "Are You there God ... " in 4th grade. Then I had to do a book report / project and my friends pressured me to draw Margaret with BOOBS on the poster. Anyway, they update the Blume books for cultural relevancy so someone must still be buying them!

LOVE the picture of Maddie as flower girl, by the way.

[Hetty]

I'm so sorry Maddie's having a tough time. Like many others, I deeply sympathize ... I was the only kid in my 32-kid 2nd grade class not to be invited to one little girl's birthday party. That one still smarts, though I'm old as dirt now!

Luckily, bitchy little girls can (and, in my opinion, should be) bought. Cupcakes. "Exclusive" sleepovers. Terrific birthday parties (that the meanest girls don't get invited to). Being nice to little brats like that, or ignoring them, or any of the other methods that well-meaning parents advocate, generally don't work. Buy 'em off, that's what I say. Your daughter will be happier.

[Penelope]

Maddie looks gorgeous in the wedding picture! What if you told her your readers can't stop going on about how pretty she is? I bet that would give her a boost!

And I like the idea of inviting some of the girls over. You have so many interesting, fun, and creative ideas for children on your site, and I keep thinking how lucky they are to have you as a mother. I'm sure her classmates would agree, and want to come back!

[veg4me]

Tell Maddie to befriend the boys. They seem to still be clueless (or maybe it's just my 4th grader!).

Last year he told me that at recess some girls from another class kept coming up to him and saying "Our friend really WANTS you". He said "Mom, I keep walking over to this girl after they say she wants me, and she giggles and runs away". I had to explain that they meant "want" in the "I want you to know I like you and I want to be your girlfriend" kind of way. He was horrified.

This year that girl ended up being in his 4th grade class and he begged me to home school him!

Also, we've moved 7 times in the last 9 years (thanks Marine Corps!) and my kids know the pain of new schools all too well. You guys might have to put yourself out there a bit. I agree with other posters, invite a couple of the girls over (only a couple of them so they are forced to interact with Maddie and not each other only), do something fun, jack them up on sugar and send them home thinking that Maddie is one cool kid.

[amypt]

After the first week of school when they've done their reassessment of inner-clique dominance stuff, Maddie will be welcomed, and will have a much easier week. She's going to be fine.
If not, go the cupcakes route - laxative in the frosting for the mean girls.

[suethelamecommenter]

1,000 paper cranes? Wow. Maddie looked gorgeous at the wedding. My heart goes out to you both. I'm so afraid of the school thing. I can handle physical hurts, academics - any of that. But emotional hurts - I'm going to be a freaking basket case. Big internet hugs for you both. (Unless you find that creepy. Then, never mind.)

[KidKate]

I changed schools between third and fourth grades and I remember that on my first day of fourth grade at the new school everybody kept saying, "Remember last year when ... ?" Even at the time I was pretty sure they were making a lot of it up just to be exclusive. But after a few days they settled down and everybody sort of just meshed over automatic pencils and whatnot.

I do think you are right about meeting just one friend--I met my best friend at the bus stop on the first day of fourth grade (she was new to the school too) and 20 years later with a continent between us, we're still BFF.

[Karen MEG]

Your kids are beautiful, and love the shots of the cranes.
Fourth grade is a killer - especially for girls! I don't remember things fondly that year at all. Things will get better, they always do, but it is tough for both of you to go through this.
I already had to write a note to my son's new teacher about some "ganging up" stuff happening to my 7 year old!!! On the 3rd day of school! She probably thinks I'm one of those b*&chy complaining moms!
Love your blog BTW.

[palamedes]

My daughter had a rough start to Fourth Grade. Actually, to be accurate, the tail end of Third Grade was hard, and Fourth Grade began as a continuation of same.

First, she's never been afraid of going toe-to-toe against the boys, and most respect (or like) her for that, but one group countered her with a new trick - periodically encircling her while screaming at full pitch, until other, more sympathetic (and brave, frankly) boys broke the circle and took her out.

Second, the end of Third Grade was when it became obvious that, first, my daughter was definitely suffering from dyspraxia, and second, that both her Third Grade teacher and her elementary school wouldn't do jack squat to help her.

Third, the tension between her and a couple of other girls that wanted the primary attention of a few of the most popular girls seemed to break ugly, and my daughter got the worst of it (in part because she doesn't toady to anyone under any circumstances (sorry dear - my genetic bad)).

What made Fourth Grade bearable for my daughter was that about a dozen-plus divorces happened at her elementary school over the summer between the two grades. The school prepared or the coming school year by acquiring a full-time child psychologist, and she in turn went to my daughter to ask her to participate in a biweekly session with fellow Fourth Graders still reeling from their new family situations. (My daughter has been in a split family situation since she was 19 months old, easily making her the "grizzled veteran" among her friends where divorce is concerned.)

My daughter told me about the request, and told me that she didn't want to participate. I in turn told her that she didn't have to, that I wouldn't make her do so, but to remember what it was like for her when she first had to deal with her mom and dad living apart, and that she might be able to help other kids through a very rough time.

She walked off, and remained unnaturally quiet around the house for a few days. When the evening parental visit night for the start of the school year came up a week later, the new child psychologist made a point of seeking me out and thanking me for convincing her to join the biweekly sessions. (My daughter now being 14, I'm used to being "blamed" these days for all sorts of stuff she officially does or doesn't want to do. I'm now apparently one scary dude among her friends until they realize the "third eye in the back of my head" and "older siblings buried in the basement" shticks were slight exaggerations. ;-) )

A week later, my daughter told me that the main reason she didn't want to do the sessions was because her memories of the divorce itself were very hazy, and she didn't know if she should try to help other kids as a result. So, I started to tell her my version of the divorce over the next few days, made sure she started to talk to her mom about her version of events, told her beforehand that the two stories would probably have huge differences in interpretation, and that it was OK to not completely believe my or her mother's interpretations.

One of the boys and three of the girls giving her the most grief participated in the sessions, and after things got started, two or three of the four made it clear to their friends that my daughter was not to be messed with.

And that was that.

[Heidi]

Hi! First time reading your blog. Cracked up quite a few times, but the reason I am writing to you is to tell you that I share your anxiety and frustration about a child who is just a little unusual. I have one myself, and even though he is actually quite happy in his own little world, it drives me crazy when he does not socialize with other kids the way I expect him to, the way the other kids do, the way his brother does. I worry about him when I am not there to help him. As the kids get older, it will only get harder to fit in. My hope is like yours - just find that one friend. Just the one.
Yeah - I work on letting go. Haven't gotten there yet. Can you tell?

[judy]

I can not recommend this book enough. It helped me understand why I had the exact same experiences as Maddie as well as why I was terrified to get married in front of an audience. The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World by Marti Olsen Laney. The section on introverted children is particularly interesting. Best wishes!

[TeriLynn]

Sam and I became friends in 3rd or 4th grade, and she's still my best friend (and stood next to you in the wedding). She'll find good ones!

[d.regina]

A practical tip that might help (and you might already be trying) - compliment her/describe her to herself as a confident, brave kid. It's amazing how well this little, manipulative trick can work with kids of this age. If you can find or remember times she was bold or confident, tell those stories back to her when you're driving in the car, or tell them to Logan or other adults when she might overhear. Kids are so sensitive and responsive to adult's perceptions of them that, in some cases, you can tell them they already have the strengths you hope for them to have and those strengths will manifest. Sure, it's manipulative, but it can work. As a teacher I used to tell my students all the time how patient they were, and how much I appreciated them for being able to sit still in their chair and wait for me to get to them. Saying this, of course, as they hung from my sleeves. It always took a couple weeks, but every year I went from having my sleeves relentlessly tugged to having a classroom where the majority of kids could sit and wait for me. There are always exceptions, but it might help!