Tag Team Insanity.

I'm so proud of Madison this week.

I'm so proud of me.

Each day of school has gotten easier for Maddie. She is, again, just like me in the way she convinces herself when something feels bad or not right, it will always and forever feel that way. Amen.

Logan and I patiently listened to her discontent and I told her it would get better. I told her it would get better, even though I wasn't sure it would. Even though I spent several days at home without her with a lump in my throat and heartburn worrying about how it was going.

I reminded her of times she was afraid and did it anyway, like on the big slide at the pool in Indy. I told her about times she made new friends quickly, like at the wedding when she met a new girl and then played Go Fish with her a lot of the night.

I told her people like to talk to people who smile, that a frown on your face, no matter what the reason, puts a lot of people off. I told her to be herself, to show them all how fun she is to be around.

When Maddie picked out a 'mean girl' on the first day of school and then the 'mean girl' walked up to say hello on the third day of school I gently suggested maybe she wasn't a mean girl after all.

I pulled all this parenting out of my ass and unbelievably, it worked. Things have gotten better for her.

The other day while Maddie and I waited for the bell to ring a little girl walked up and said, "Are you Maddie? Weren't we on a soccer team together in first grade?" Maddie didn't recognize her but I did so I said, "Oh yes! I remember you. Remember Maddie, she was our star player?"

And this little girl looked at Maddie and said, "I thought you were a really good player."

I know there are mean girls in school, and I know there will always be difficult people in her life. But I hope Maddie finds all those nice girls and surrounds herself with them.

Of course things are better with Madison and now Max is fighting back tears at the beginning of the day. He's a lot like Logan so he'll have to tackle this with him.

*New posts at Buzz Off and Ordering Disorder. Bento lunches, recipe binders, yard sale tips and small chairs all just waiting for you.

Comments

[AmyinMotown]

Yay Madison! Yay you! Yay for nice girls. I'm so glad she's doing well.
(hey, were you at the Target on Coolidge the other day? I almost ran into you and then realized "Hey I think that was Melissa").

[Kate C.]

Yay Madison!

I've got a 4th grader too. She and her friends seem to bounce between happy-go-lucky and teenage dramarama but I'm hoping they'll hold off on any real nastiness till at least highschool. Too much to ask?
:)

[rimarama]

I like the advice you gave her. I'm going to store it away for when my kids are older and possibly facing the same kinds of issues.

I'm glad she's doing better. I imagine it would be so hard as a parent, to know your child is at school dealing with that stuff and not being able to be right there to make it better.

[Jaycee]

Sooo glad your daughter's doing better. So far, so good with my 4th grader but I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop...hope that Max's issues are temporary...and lastly, hope you had a great birthday in the new digs!

[BOSSY]

Down with Mean Girls.

[ErikaMSN]

Maddie sounds so much like my 4 yo--even looks somewhat like her. Things with her are so extreme. She's just figuring out friendships, and went through a really hard phase this summer--e.g., she'd get to preschool, some kids would be immersed in a project, she'd go look at them for a moment and then come running to me or the teacher and say "the other kids don't want me to play with them!" When we pointed out (gently) that she could *ask* them to play, she'd go back and then have a great time. She never just gives herself over to an activity/party--she's always analyzing the whole time. "This is fun! Why is this fun?" etc.

The only thing that has helped (me, not her) is reading "Raising Your Spirited Child." C. is the poster child for "Intense" and "Hard to Adapt," and that book helped me understand how she ticks and where she got it from (ahem).

And the other thing that's helping--although scaring the cr*p out of me--is reading your blog. It's like looking through a window into the future. Hopefully I'll be able to pull some good parenting out of my own behind and help her through, too...

[KristinAugieandJoelsMom]

parenting - blindly feeling around in a dense fog with no user's manual - it's so great!

[jkopftwins]

Yay for Maddie and yay for that nice girl. Thank heavens they sometimes pop up just when you need them to.

Big hugs to Max. We're still in the teary stage here, too, at the start of the school day (both girls, even the one who NEVER cries in public) and it stinks for them.

[Kyran]

You *should* get at least as many comments and emails for this post as you do for your the times you open up about the doubt and frustration. Somehow I doubt that will be the case.

But this is really lovely; lovelier still because you don't gloss over the challenges.

[Jamie]

Yea for Madison! (And yea you for the parenting out of your ass.)

My daughter just started kindergarten and oh good Lord...

[mrsggggggg]

A good mother moment. Cherish it, because it could be weeks before you have another one.

[Carolyn]

OK - I'm a little behind on my blog reading and am just now reading what you wrote in September.. but what you wrote is so perfect.

I have been having the EXACT conversation with our middle daughter - who is in first grade. These exact words you wrote left my mouth just last night at the dinner table in fact: that "people like to talk to people who smile, that a frown on your face, no matter what the reason, puts a lot of people off." and I also advised her to:
"be herself, to show them all how fun she is to be around."

Our 1st grader, Lucy, is so much like me. A natural born introvert. A bundle of social anxieties.
Her older sister (my step-daughter, thus genetically socially gifted) is a natural born extrovert who is surrounded by a gaggle of friends at all times. Seriously, she has about a dozen "best friends".

Just like your family, we moved house recently (at the end of last school year). Luce had to switch schools (our oldest was permitted to stay for 5th grade at her old school despite the fact we're out of the boundary for that elementary..but seeing as how it's her last year there, they made an exception. But only for her, not Lucy.)

...And now suddenly the kids at Lucy's new school are all "so mean" and she's "invisible" and people "ignore" her, etc.

Luce will never be like her big sister..she just wants one or two close friends to feel "safe" with at school. I told her to look for a friend like her - someone who needed a friend.

In the meantime, she's asked us to pack an extra "Fruit by the Foot" fruit roll-up because she's bribing one of her classmates to play with her by passing her an extra snack each day. I'm happily obliging her.