The swearing thing is probably already blown.

The other day I attended a meeting at the New School which was a sort of orientation for volunteers. Volunteering is something I did not do a lot of at the Old School apart from standing in the hall motioning people toward the voting booths and the occasional open mouthed gaping in my son's out of control kindergarten room. My position was Parent Gaper.

I've made it a personal rule not to write very much about the new school because writing about school in general has gone REALLY AWESOMELY for me in the past. But I will say the new school has been a great experience entirely free of the freaky long haired swinger of the past. There may be swingers there but they don't corner you and make you fear for your life. If they're here they're quiet and maintain some grooming habits and that's all you can ask for.

I've been doing a little work for Maddie's teacher each Wednesday and the other day she asked me to make a double sided copy, "So we can save paper." She said, as if making a double sided copy is something so easy anyone can do it! Like you just hit a button and Bam! You've got yourself a double sided copy.

If we ever wondered where Maddie gets her divine sense of worry and doom it is once again confirmed it is my fault. I take total responsibility. It's Logan's fault though she has so many clothes they won't fit in her dresser. The mass of stuffed animals are also his fault.

As I walked down the copy room I fretted over the double sided copies and how stupid am I that I can't figure out a copy machine? That I have no idea how to do this off handed thing the teacher wanted and I'm no help at all to this woman if I can't even make a double sided copy. The week before she asked me to unwrap a set of books and stamp them with the name of the school. But I couldn't find the stamp so I just spent an hour writing the name of the school inside about 165 books. I'm getting an F in volunteering.

So that's why I decided to attend this meeting and now I know how to make double sided copies and die cuts and I can even bind a book for you if you need it. But only if it's for the school because that would be abusing my volunteering skills.

During the meeting the principal came in and said thank you for volunteering and mentioned how the policy in the district for volunteers will be changing and soon we will all need fingerprints on file.

I really wanted to sigh loudly and mutter, "That God Damn mess in Idaho keeps chasing me down."

But I didn't because this is the new school and at the new school they will think I'm nice. And I never swear. And am not a fugitive.

Comments

[Lisa V]

Yeah, but those of us in Idaho are working hard to get your record expunged.

Imagine even worse, you work in the school office, remotely near the copy machine (but the copy machine is not part of your job). Every time the secretary is gone a parent will come in and say "I need 346 copies with the first and second page back to back and the third and fourth pages single sided. I need them to be stapled in the left corner too, how do I do that?" And then you just look back with drool running out of the side of your mouth, hoping they don't see that you are reading Suburban Bliss on the job, and say "Beats me."

[witchypoo]

De-lurking to express my delight at your postings. I also read your Buzz off and the other thingies, even though my kidlets are grown.

[veg4me]

We have to be fingerprinted at our school as well. When I questioned the school board about it (to find out if they ever uncovered anything by running the prints) they said "We don't do anything but file them away".

So basically, you can volunteer at the school if you are a criminal- just don't commit any crimes at the school or else they will run your prints and find out about your criminal past.

Seems sort of pointless to me.

Also, be careful about being too nice. I spent last year at our new school being the quiet, nice, unobtrusive mom and now I'm on the PTO board. Maybe I should have showed my true colors and they would've never offered me a spot on the PTO!

[jeanie]

Over here, you are required to get a blue card (background police check) to volunteer unless you are a parent - and my thinking is that many parents are probably very sus!!

BTW - on some photocopies it is as easy as pressing a button to get double-sided!

Its funny how school just don't get satire.

[Justbeachy]

I remember when I was pregnant with my daughter we were at prenatal classes and the teacher was talking about colic and how she had heard that placing the kid on the dryer in the car seat would sooth the baby, and I spoke up that if that didn't work we could always put the baby in the dryer. All those new moms looked at me with shock and dismay. I thought it was funny.... so I understand the need to speak the words. I volunteer as well, but I've not made it out of the classroom. Goodluck.

[Karen MEG]

There is nothing more terrifying than the school photocopy room. Double-sided and stapled - my worst nightmare!

[boilermomof4]

Oh if only you had said that, I'm trying to imagine the faces of the perfect mommies, the mommies who lunch. The horror!! I wish you lived here, we would rock that copy room together, girl.

At the rate you're going, you'll be all settled in at the spiritwear table at the holiday program (don't you dare say Christmas!) hawking hoodies and pencil pouches for the PTO.

[Sheryl]

Oh my gosh that would have been so funny. And right away you would've known who your friends are going to be.

[Jaycee]

Oh, cripes, this is so me! I volunteer in the library and have to prevent a full blown panic every time the librarian asks me to do something...like change a bulletin board! Ummm...no artsy skills here. Sorry! I, too, have stamped books--but I did have the stamp, so, phew! So far no fingerprints here--I am free to roam and pillage.