This post is censored.

This is probably the first time I've ever said this to anyone, ever. Especially the Internet.

I wish I could show you my butt right now.

After the Halloween party Saturday I was perhaps a teeny tiny bit tipsy. Just ever so slightly. Just a little bit.

I thought my tipsiness was integral to this story but Sunday night Logan nearly did the same thing (so similarly I thought he was making fun of me) and tonight Max did something as ridiculous. Neither party had been drinking at this time.

Max has never had a drink, Logan has had a couple drinks in his lifetime.

Saturday night I came home from the party, went to bed and decided I was very hungry. Still in my socks, I decided to head downstairs for some leftover pizza. Once I stepped off the second step I fell.

I fell very hard.

And this is why I truly wish I could should you my butt.

The bruise is so glorious, so brilliant, it looks like a 'Censored' bar on my right cheek. (There is a similar bruise on my elbow, but it takes away from the amazing-ness of the bruise on my arse so I'm not sharing a picture of the elbow).

We've made a family decision to buy slippers for each other for Christmas. Because socks make the stairs really slippery and while the bruise on my ass is brilliant, a bruise like this on one of my children would make me want to shoot myself.

Comments

[HouseofJules]

YOWCH! That sounds awful. I've done that myself on hardwood floors just after they've been cleaned. It's not pretty.

Jules
House of Jules

[Kate]

Yesterday you showed us your boobs. Today you want to show us your ass. Melissa, I must say that I like this new "adult" format you have adopted.

[Melissa Summers]

I know, the timing couldn't be more bizarre could it. I hope nothing else happens to any other of my private parts.

[Katrina]

ahhh... the stair/butt bruise.
I've managed to fall both UP and DOWN both staircases in our house at lease once each in the 3 years we've lived here.
Nothing compares to the bruise across my butt-cheek from falling down the wooden stairs to the 2nd story. I must have landed at an angle and only managed to bruise one cheek.
When I landed, I just kind of sat there for a minute writhing in pain while both my dogs nosed at me to check for a pulse as the 100lb one was tempted to proclaim me dead and make a run for the kibble container.

Be forwarned, the bruise will take a LONG time to fully go away. I think I still had that lingering yellowish bruise color for almost a MONTH after the fall. Thankfully the pain from sitting/standing fades after the first couple days.

[AmyinMotown]

OUCH! Done that here, many times (never when tipsy, interestingly). When Maggie was a baby and I was always carrying her downstairs, I used to get serious palm sweats that I would fall.

Now my parents' house--they lived there 20 years and I fell down the stairs twice. Both during, ummm, "unauthorized" parties.

[Karen Rani Bodkin]

No butt shots? Pah. I've never fallen...nope, not going to jinx myself.
Hope your ass feels better soon.

[Kate]

The real question is, did you still go to have the pizza? Because I would have.

[lousoz]

totally agree with Kate on this one.
Not only would I have for sure ate the pizza, I probably would have had a slice ( or 3) more than planned to help me feel better after the fall.

[Aerith80]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who got tipsy and hurt herself Saturday night. :) I even went to the doctor Monday to make sure I hadn't broken my ankle.

I hope you heal quickly! *hugs*

[melodyk99]

Been there done that. Get the socks with the little rubber "thingies" on the bottom. It really makes a world of difference.

If only they made them for my dogs...

[De in D.C.]

Last time I fell down the stairs (yes, there has been more than one occasion), my left leg slid forward and my right caught on the stair I was standing on and bent backwards as I fell down, and I ended up sliding down on the top of the right foot. Definitely the most painful experience in my life. I think the best part was when the Dr. kept giving my hubby weird looks while she was examining me.

Hope your arse feels better soon. Maybe try one of those donut pillows with an ice pack on top?

[BOSSY]

'Slippers' -- the name doesn't instill a great deal of confidence.

[duchessjane]

The butt bruise would make a great banner!

[HeidiKR]

The last run-in I had with a flight of stairs resulted in a spiral fracture to my right humerus. At the time, I was home alone with my 10-day-old son. It was horrifying -- looking down at my dangling arm and seeing it, but not feeling it (but oh, did I feel it after the shock faded). And that CRACK of the bone breaking -- I seriously will be haunted by that sound forever. Still makes my stomach turn. Lesson learned? NEVER WEAR FLIP-FLOPS AGAIN. Seriously. Evil fucking shoes. And evil calcium-stealing babies.

[jkopftwins]

pain in the ass steps.

maybe it's enough excuse to take all the peanut butter cups out of the kids' halloween haul? 'mommy needs these to get all better.'

[sneakyg]

Last time I fell down the stairs it was because one of our cats tried to murder me by swerving in front of me as I was going downstairs at 5 a.m. to turn the heat off. He is black, and it was dark, and I fell and hit my lower back/butt so hard that I was afraid I was going to pee blood afterward. (I didn't.) My bruise lasted for weeks and turned many spectacular colors before it finally went away, so prepare for lots of entertainment as yours goes through all the stages of healing.

Hmm ... now that I think about it, a series of photos documenting a bruise as it blooms and fades would make a good modern art piece. You could call it "Contusion Evolution." :)

[Jenn]

It's just not a holiday without a bruised ass.

[Karan]

Too bad about that ass bumping. I scrolled down rather quickly and saw that cat in the hat pic just below and for a moment, I wondered if the bruise looked like a rooster head on a feline.

[kelliewg]

By chance, my 7yo was reading "Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator" outloud in the car today. I really think you should read the section about the Vernicious Knid.

[Betty]

What did you do to get rid of your butt bruise. I fell down the stairs and bruised my right cheek, and I have this huge lump there now. It doesn't hurt anymore as much, but the bruise is still there. How do I get rid of it. It never hurt to sit or walk that much, just sometimes.

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