I can just hear his Penthouse letter starting now...

What I'd like to say to the snow.

Yes, yes....you're beautiful! Stunning! Amazing! We think you're just breathtaking. But all this clinging to everything and having to be around all the time is making you seem really insecure.

Just think about it. Maybe it's time to give the grass a turn to show off?

=========================

We took the kids to a place called The Great Wolf Lodge as a little end of vacation treat. I worried about wearing a bathing suit in public after this long, long winter. Surprisingly I did not need to worry because the midwest is a pretty fat place and by comparison I felt a little like a spritely gazelle prancing about the water park.

It was a nice little trip and though the kids didn't want to do anything even remotely fun, like ride on a water slide, Logan and I did. We made them wait for us at the end and take our pictures. I'm kidding, but only about the picture part.

The water was so chlorinated I would guess swimming in a pool of bleach would feel remarkably similar. I don't know what the general population has on their skin but I lost two layers of mine in the disinfecting solution of the pool. Ouch.

Of course the trip wouldn't be complete without me making an ass of myself. Water, bathing suit and a public place. The possibilities for disaster are literally endless.

Maddie wanted to spend sometime in the hot tub. There were two of these steaming pools of bleach and one was full of a crowd similar to the population of the state of Delaware. Okay, maybe Rhode Island.

A second hot tub was empty so we headed in. It was awfully private and I thought to myself, "Gee, if this wasn't the least romantic place in the world, this would be a nice place to hang out with your favorite person."

Right then a man and a woman came in and gave me a very dirty look. I realized then why no one was in the hot tub, because it was for adults only. I told Maddie in a tiny-bit-louder than normal voice, "Oops! This is the hot tub for grown ups. We should head out."

As I said this I started doing the side stroke toward the steps. Maddie didn't hear what I said so I tried to tell her as I swam.

This distraction from my stroke, coupled with an unfortunately placed jet stream in the tub resulted in me veering terribly off course. When I finally realized I wasn't swimming straight it was just as I gently glided in between the legs of the man in the hot tub. As if I was swimming up onto his lap. As his wife watched in horror.

Her look of horror was nothing when compared to Maddie's face as she watched me attempting to swim into the lap of a stranger.

Thanks for the memories Ohio!

============================

We tried a Martha Stewart project over the break, I wrote about it at The Buzz Off. I don't think it turned out like they thought but the kids were mostly happy.

Comments

[betseann]

I'm laughing like a fool in public having just read that.

[Becky]

Oh my gosh that is so funny! Thanks for the laugh!

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

So the females had looks of horror . . . what was his look?

[Nichole]

I'm so glad you have a blog. I'd imagine that was horrifying to you at the time, but the story brought me a great deal of joy today.

[pwieg]

We were just there too! Too bad we missed your smooth moves in the hot tub. Our blog entry about the trip would have been much better if it included a Suburban Bliss sighting, ESPECIALLY with a "swimming into the lap of a random stranger" event.

[Karen]

Ha! I nearly choked on the mint I was eating when I read that last part. Sooo embarrassingly funny (story of my life!).

[cndycream]

ha ha ha ha!!! omg I so needed that laugh...but i'm laughing at the wife not at you :)

[ollka]

This is exactly why I am always the creep who hangs around the hot tub waiting for every.single.person to get out so I can get in. Bubbly water + swimsuit + strangers = too much potential for disaster.

[Dodi]

Hilarious in that boy-I'm-glad-that-wasn't-me way!

Be grateful for the excessive chlorine. A friend got a horrendous foot fungus from just hanging her feet in a hot tub at a water park in Wisconsin Dells. Took her months to get rid of it. Yick!

[bigpikchur.blogspot.com]

Dear Penthouse, I mean Melissa:
That was one of the funniest things I've read all year! Thanks!
Jules
House of Jules

[melbs]

hilarious!!
btw...i'm known for making a fool of myself at waterparks...indoor and outdoor, too!! from what i wear to...jumping in the pool, fully clothed with my purse...because i thought my daughter was about to drown...and it wasn't even my daughter!! i was jumping in after the wrong kid...who wasn't even drowning!! that was at wheels inn in canada...gross but fun...so much chlorine that your eyes get burned out of their sockets, when you walk into the pool area!

[Dana]

Well, it WAS the "adult" pool ...
what a riot.

[Katie]

Ha to the Midwest "fat and white" comment. When my sister-in-law and I were in NYC, all the skinny size 00 were making us feel big (she's a 4-6 and I'm an 8-10). Never had I wanted to go to a Wal-Mart to feel better about myself before.

[Zookins]

I find it hilarious that you refer to the midwest as a "pretty fat place" when the ad on your sidebar is for Lane Bryant.

You get revenue from those links, right?

Is this hypocrisy or plain old irony?!?

[Melissa Summers]

I don't think I understand your point.

[Zookins]

You do know that Lane Bryant is a store for women wearing sizes 14-28, right?

IMHO, it seems insulting to call midwesterners fat; but then expect us to click a link to a plus-size store so you can make a couple bucks off said fat midwesterners.

Or did I misunderstand something? Did you not mean "pretty fat place" in a derogatory manner?

P.S. I'm having a tired cranky pregnant day, and I really don't mean to pee in your Cheerios. I enjoy your writing & laughed at your story; but something about calling me fat then expecting to profit off fat people rubbed me the wrong way.

[Melissa Summers]

I think people in America are (generally) pretty overweight, I think the Midwest is especially prone to the culture of obesity which is prevalent in America.

I don't think it says anything about anyone other than they're overweight. I am overweight, I weigh about 20 pounds over the healthy weight I should be.

I know weight is a hot topic, it's been one of mine too. I'm a small, sad and nasty little person that it made me, as an overweight person, more comfortable in a bathing suit because there were people with a lot of extra weight on them at the water park we went to.

But there it is. It did make me more comfortable in my bathing suit. Which struck me as funny.

I'm sorry it hurt you personally.

I'm still not sure I understand the Lane Bryant tie in and the hypocrisy of that.

[Stacey]

I laughed and laughed when I read this post. BUT, I also cried inside. I am definitely one of those fat midwest people who would look horrible at Great Wolf Lodge. I think, stupid as it is, your comment would make me extremely unlikely to ever take my children there...I'm not sure I will ever get it out of my head that that's what people are thinking. I realize it's my problem, but I guess I felt compelled to tell you how it made me feel.

[Sara]

Sigh. I shouldn't have read the comments. This was very funny -- really -- and not offensive; you had to know, though, that someone wouldn't like it. Jesus. Great post as usual!

[Melissa Summers]

Stacey, that's kind of my point. There were women at that water park who were WAY skinnier than me. Guess what? They may have felt fat. They looked at me marching around in my bathing suit feeling all proud of myself. And they felt better about their own bodies.

It's all just the stupid game we all, with body issues, play with ourselves. It means nothing else. Truly.