Belated Mother's Day

Maddie talked on the phone with Logan's mother on Mother's Day.

Yes, My Mother In Law who I'm not allowed to talk about here. The one I don't speak to and such.

Logan is right this minute frantically running around his office looking for alcohol, any kind of alcohol, so he can read a little further. In fact if you have some heroin he'll take that needle in his arm right now thank you. He's probably drinking Listerine in the bathroom because he knows what kind of hell can be unleashed whenever my dangerous fingers type the words "Mother In Law".

On Mother's Day Logan called his parents to wish his mother a happy Mother's Day. He handed the phone to each of the kids.

Maddie said, "Happy Mother's Day and thank you for giving me the dad I have."

And I'd be hard pressed to argue with that sentiment.

I think that sums up where I've been with my in laws for about a year now.

About a month ago I got almost 15 emails from people struggling with their in-laws. April must be bad for family relationships. These struggles were either in relation to writing on the internet or just in the general sense of "I think I want to kill my mother in law and I'm wondering how you kept your hands away from sharp implements on holidays."

All those emails are sitting in my inbox because, like almost all my email that requires a thoughtful response, it apparently takes me a long time to have coherent thoughts in my head.

I do have some general advice for handling difficult in laws, actually it's advice for dealing with anyone you must deal with on a regular basis who makes you want to spend a few hours in your room crying. Repeatedly.

It will have to wait though because, although I'm sure Logan love slugging down Listerine at work, I actually don't want to make his life any harder. So he has to have a look at what I write before I publish it. What I very carefully write so that I'm not actually talking about "My In Laws", but rather "General Difficult Relationships With Any Person You Can't Seem To Get Along With."

Stay tuned.

Comments

[windylou]

Hallelujah! Can't wait.

[Melissa]

I moved across the country to avoid my family. It seems to be working out very well.

[HouseofJules]

Not having to deal with in-laws is one of the best reasons to be single. Looking forward to reading that post, though; because I may not have in-laws but I definitely have people who are difficult to deal with in my life!
Jules
House of Jules

[Jen]

*sitting on the edge of my seat*

[Erika]

My mother in law is nice but she plays favorites with my kids. She treats my daughter like a queen and my sons like peasants. We have decided to distance the kids from her. We will visit her as a family once a week but we will no longer let my daughter spend the night with her unless she invites the boys as well.

By the way, your picture is so cute!

[Robin]

My husband has a mother and a stepmom, so I have two mothers in law. And both lovely ladies live 1,800 miles away. It's a perfect situation.

[ageekymom]

I am in the minority, in that I love my mother-in-law. She always treated me as one of her own daughters, and was never one to offer advice without being asked. Unfortunately, she now has Alzheimer's and doesn't recognize anyone anymore. A once vibrant, kind, intelligent mother and grandmother, she is totally unaware of her surroundings. She is greatly missed.

[bonzai]

What's worse? Having to cut ties with your own mother, who lives 15 minutes away and wishing your MIL who lives 16 hours away could swap houses with her. Sigh.

[melissaS]

They both suck. Thank goodness you love your mother in law. I have trouble with my own mother as well. I have an adopted "mother" who fills the gap.

[bella]

After years of abuse and hell, we cut off my MIL. We told her the only the way she could see us again (and her grandchildren) if she went to a therapist with us to establish some ground rules. We are still waiting and my husband has never been happier. Life is too short to be around toxic people including MIL's.

[Angela]

I am going to be F5ing you nonstop. One of my family members, who may or may not be my MIL, recently told Meredith that she got way more than she deserved for her birthday. Meredith is 5 years old, and she received four presents. And nothing cost more than $25. And I'm still harboring a stomachache and playing the maddening game of I Should Have Said.

[Susan]

Lordy lordy... if ONLY April were the only month.

[Suze]

I had an awful MIL. She was a total nutter, and everyone was wrong but her. So rather than ammass a supply of sharp instruments for holiday use, I traded up to the one I have now who is just lovely. Of course, that meant changing husbands as well, which may be a little extreme for you - but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

[swampmama]

i felt the same way about mine (no really), and then she died in a freak whitewater rafting accident. now everyone is all sad and i can't feel less than guilty about wishing her ill all these years... just sayin'.

[janey]

My only problem with the in-laws is that they are somewhat religious and do not drink. This past Christmas we went armed with wine and spirits to enjoy the holiday season and toast the New Year.

Yeah. That went over real well.

(Didn't use to be this way but born again daughter and family moved in with his mom.)

[Megan]

My grandmother was totally one of Those People. She had a nervous breakdown after my parents got married because she hated my mom so much, and she always disliked me by extension. Even though I was her son's only child, and her only granddaughter period, I was still related to my mom and that was too much for her to handle.

She died about two and a half years ago, and I was really surprisingly devastated -- it's always sad when someone dies, etc. (Ironically, my mom and I were the only ones who were involved in the funeral, even though she hated us the most.) But the thing is, even though she was always kind of a jerk to EVERYONE in the family, not just my mom and me, everyone talks about her now like she was such a saint. And I know it's mean, but I'm still like, "Yes, I was sad that she died but she was awful! Why can't we all admit that!" You know what I mean? I hate being an ass, but damn.

[melissaS]

I'm not trying to use my website to make up with my in laws, but I have to say that my in laws gave me my amazing husband who's an awesome father and person.

Also, my in laws could hate my kids because of me and they're actually pretty nice to them when they see them.

I think I'm feeling forgiving today.

"But the thing is, even though she was always kind of a jerk to EVERYONE in the family, not just my mom and me, everyone talks about her now like she was such a saint. And I know it's mean, but I'm still like, "Yes, I was sad that she died but she was awful! Why can't we all admit that!" You know what I mean? I hate being an ass, but damn."

you are not the ass. the asses are the people who pretend that the dead person is now a saint. they aren't. they are the same assholes they always were but they at least had the courtesy to die.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

I don't even get started. What's your opinion on in-laws who "surprise" you with a visit from their home 2,000 miles away--during finals week?!

[bonzai]

You're right - they both suck. But one of my best friends likes to remind me that there is the family of chance (moms, dads, mils, fils, sibs, etc) and the family of choice - those who love you when they don't have to, just because you are you. I'm glad you found a worthy surrogate, Melissa. Because you DO deserve it.

My mom stopped speaking to me about a year ago because the absolutely fabulous (said everyone else) surprise 50th anniversary party that it took me 6 months to plan wasn't perfect. And you know what - it has been like when the white noise stops and you weren't aware of it until it was gone. After 45 years, I am free of her negative buzzing. And I'm SO much happier. Who knew?

[Mermaid]

Any new survival techniques would be greatly welcomed. I live in a world where I'm constantly tortured and my husband fails to see it. When he does see it he's not on my team--he cries foul on me!

We should all be allowed to throw napkins or rolls at people who insult us at family gatherings, should we not?

[Mermaid]

P.S. Didn't I just see an episode of Desperate Housewives like this last week?

[Kellie]

I have a mother in law who I cannot stand and it's me, not her. Well, it was her. She had no boundaries when our first child came along. She even went as far as to call and cancel an appointment with a neurologist who was impossible to get into and we had waited 3 months to see (our son was having seizures and headaches and we didn't know why. This was to be the first appointment about all of those issues) so that we could go to TN for christmas to see her. Yeah, we didn't talk for a good 6 months after that. It's been 4 years and she has been a saint. I know she feels bad and really realizes all the things she did, but I just can't let it go for some reason. After that incident (and there were a million things before it) I just keep looking for reasons to hate her. I honestly don't think she deserves it anymore because she is trying and trying hard.

I'm an asshole sometimes. It's time to let it go. This post and everyones comments have kinda helped me really realize it.

[Ninotchka]

Count me among the thousands who will be very interested in what you have to say on the matter. Absolutely.

[DimKnit]

I've struggled with mine for 10 years. At first I struggled because of her relationship with me. Now I struggle because she causes my husband so much stress.

I am curious to hear your advice. I am tired of the strained relations.

[Cheryl]

I have to say that as hard as removing yourself from their lives was... it was the spot on thing to do and I for one admire you.
I guess you could say I am challenged in that way. It took me 28 YEARS ( yes you read that right) to say enough of my M-I-L's bs. I just kept thinking that if I cared enough, sent enough flowers and cards, etc she would soften. She made it perfectly clear that she preferred only one of my 3 kids.
Final straw was last fall when sitting at the breakfast table she said to my youngest (21y.o) "you know i only love 3 of my 10 grandkids" proceeded to name them and the 21 y.o. was not one of them. BUT her sister was. 21 y.o. said "why is that?" M-I-L replied "i have to because your parents don't"...........say what?!?!? WTF??????

I could go on and on but will take some emotional Imodium and just say that I think you are doing great!!!!

P.S. I have been reading you for quite a while now but am one of those lurkers!!

[Erin]

Oh God, please put put up the post, and hurry! I am about to kill Mother-in-law, Father-in-law, and FATHER! Yikes! Can you say family from hell?

We are in counseling to untangle our selves from their webs, but I can use any advice I can get!

Erin

[Maggie]

In laws. HA! I've kept my in law woes off the internet for the past 5 and a half years. When they were just "my boyfriend's family," though, it was on. Those posts were rough.

[NoodleMom]

Very interested in ready your thoughts and/or ideas......I've got a MIL that keeps jamming my sis-in-law down our throats that has now cause all kinds of animosity in the room that no one will acknowledge. Like a pink elephant in the corner laughing out loud at us all while winking at me, since I'm the only one in the know that its there......sigh. All the while, this is only part of the many problems that have come from that MIL and SIL.....

[Lynn]

I'm really looking forward to your post on this subject. Like many (most?) women I've had my share of conflicts with my MIL and SIL, and we've stopped talking to each other a few times. In particular I was wondering...how does Logan balance relationships with both of you, without feeling like he's stuck in the middle and/or forced to pick sides? Did he manage to just stay out of it?

[AmyinMotown]

OOoh, eagerly awaiting this one. My MMIL has cancer and everyone but one awesome GF acts ike I am terrible for not suddenly loving her and faking this close relationship that has never been there in the first place.

She is not evil, and lots of people have it worse. She's just majorly passive agressive and I have no patience for it. So I avoid her whenever possible.

[pjk]

My MIL is seriously passive-aggressive, too. She's filled with resentment that her ex-husband was an alcoholic lout when her kids were small, so she thinks I should be a long-suffering housewife like she was and her son should never lift a finger around the house. Of course, I don't rely on Valium and a bottle-propper to get through the day, like she did, and I work part-time, as well as running my household and caring for my child in a far more hands-on fashion than she did. She does ADORE her grandchild, though, so I try to let some of her weirdness roll off my back. Some of it is about family style differences, and some of it is just her issues, and of course, some of it is just my issues. I highly recommend the book When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People for anyone struggling with family issues of any variety.

[D]

Oh, the stories I could share.

I'm awaiting your advice!

[SM]

My MIL drives me crazy. She's not the horrible MIL by conventional standards, i.e. she likes me and doesn't come over all the time, but still she has these expectations of our relationship that I can't live up to. She doesn't have any daughters, so I'm supposed to fill that gap. But that's really hard for me because overmothers and it's incredibly frustrating.

[Kate]

@SM: A total ditto. I feel badly disliking my MIL b/c, as AmyinMowtown wrote, "she is not evil and lots of people have it worse". That said, she drives me NUTS. I simply don't like the majority of her personality traits and I've never been good at faking relationships with people who I don't genuinely like. We "get along" but I feel this weird pressure (probably self-inflicted) to have some sort of "special" relationship with her. She is single and not over her divorce (15 years ago), emotionally unstable, insecure, indecisive and draining on my husband. She is also totally passive-agressive and self-centered. Fortunately, my husband is aware of most of her issues...we just don't talk about them because it stresses him out and he, I think, prefers to not think about it.

Of course the divorce means that my husband also has a stepmother, and that is a whole "other" can of worms. Not an easier personality but far less intrusive in our lives, on the whole, because she is much happier than MIL, overall.

Never thought I'd have these "issues" but I guess the bloom is off the rose! Melissa, I'm looking forward to your post.

-A fellow lurker

[jenniffer]

i just scanned all of these posts, and feel so much better because this woman raised this wonderful man and i STILL want to scoop her heart out with a rusty spoon! and the thing is, i seem to be the only one who loathes this woman. but i'm also the only one who gets the "special" treatment. in fact, i've endured this for almost 18 years. i felt the "love" from her the moment i first met her. and God knows i tried--i took her to her freakin' chemo treatments! but in the last year she's crossed lines with me, and i'm so done.

i do hate that it's hard for my husband.