Even the easy one isn't.

I mentioned the other day how Max was only in it for the mustache. I also mentioned how that little gem came after a monstrous tantrum, totally fitting for the two year old Max, but not so much fitting for the 7.5 year old Max.

All afternoon after a full day of camp, he mentioned several times he didn't like it, he wasn't going back, it's torture. I asked him why, he said, "It's boring." I can tell you what's "Boring", sitting around the house trying to find something to do because all your friends are on vacation and your mom is trying to work. 

Camp, on the other hand, is really not boring.

But he couldn't elaborate, even with some suggestions from me. "Is it tiring?" "Are you sad more of your friends aren't there?" "Is it too loud and hectic?"

His only elaboration was "It's torture."

This season I paid $90 to get Max into soccer at his insistence, and once there, he had several meltdowns and in general lost his shit. Logan is better at handling these types of situations where shit is lost but the practices were nights Logan wasn't available. So I let Max drop out.

This was a big mistake. We, as a family, frown on quitting things you've asked to sign up for. Since I'd let him drop out of soccer, there is no way he's dropping out of anything else he asks to sign up for. Because of this I decided to acknowledge that Max wasn't thrilled about camp, but since he had to go back anyway, I mainly ignored his grumblings about not wanting to go to camp again.

That night at bedtime, Max fell apart. Thinking we didn't want to cater to these freak-outs or pay attention to them. We ignored it. We told him if he didn't get a hold of himself he was going to his room. We told him he wasn't getting tucked into bed until he stopped screaming. 45 minutes later, he was still shrieking and I was praying for the SuperNanny to drop down and tell me what the hell to do now.

Finally he stopped screaming, but kept whimpering and sobbing. I tucked him into bed and helped him calm down. He continued to whimper for another half hour or so and I listened from my bed in the next room.

I realized as I sat there where maybe we'd gone wrong.

I'm used to Maddie who doesn't really "suck it up". She is anxious in situations that make her uncomfortable and she can tell me in great detail what exactly is bothering her and how she feels. (Please see her mouse vs snake lunchroom analogy at 6 years old.) It's heart wrenching to watch her go through these moments in her life, but it's easier to hold her hand because she's so good at knowing how she feels.

Max actually does "suck it up" most of the time. Most of the time he just does it anyway, even when he's feeling anxious or weird or whatever. But then, since it's hard for him to talk about how he's feeling, I think he can feel like we aren't taking his feelings seriously.

As I sat there listening to him sob himself to sleep, it dawned on me that the only way we don't expect him to just "suck it up" and be our usual easy going guy is if he totally freaks out. Then we're all clear Max is unhappy. Not just a little unhappy, he's really pissed.

I think a lot of Monday night's hysterics were compounded by exhaustion. Also, since Tuesday he's had a great time at camp and has been perfectly happy to head out the door in the morning. Still it's interesting how even my "easier" kid can throw me for a loop sometimes.

This is the part where Maddie gently suggests we get rid of him like she's been suggesting since the day we brought him home.

In other news: SPORKS!

Comments

[grimsaburger]

I apologize if I'm suggesting something that's completely obvious, because I don't have kids and what do I know anyway? But when I was a wee one, and felt completely anxious about doing a day camp of some sort where I knew no one, the first and usually only complaint I would make is that it was BORING. I would've been better off saying, "I'm uncomfortable there because everyone stares at me and I don't know anyone and they all hate me and I don't ever want to go back." Or maybe not--my parents probably would've still made me stay. And I would've gotten into the groove by day 3 at least.

So in my world at least, "boring" almost never meant "boring." But if Max is anything like I was, and it sounds like he is, good luck getting him to tell you what "boring" really means.

[Katrina]

Glad he's enjoying camp a little more now.
FYI- Maddie will look back and laugh at the "Maddie gently suggests we get rid of him like she's been suggesting since the day we brought him home." stage.

I was the best man at my little brother's wedding this last weekend, and my speech highlighted my own same feelings on the matter, at being upset as a wee one for my parents "refusing to take him back to the hospital for a refund or an exchange for a little sister."

So theres hope in sight their feelings for one another will eventually work themselves out. And you can tease max with a dress if Maddie ever asks him to be her maid of honor.

[maddy]

Glad he is enjoying camp more. Sometimes kids do get overtired and just flip out a little.

I totally allow my kids to quit things, though. I understand about hanging in there, and finishing what you've started and all that. And sometimes it is not possible to quit because it would inconvenience others to much or be unfair. Plus I try to get my kids to give it a couple more tries, in case they are just in the heat of the moment.

But barring those things, if a mistake has been made, we are outta there. Life is too short and we don't always make good choices the first time out. I know most people feel strongly about the "not quitting' thing, but this is one of those areas where I guess my family is the odd one out.

[Monica]

Maddy you are not the only one, I posted a similar comment to yours on the T ball issue.

I totally see the other side of the coin too though and my kids are still little and we haven't really had to face the issue too many times yet.

[Astrogirl]

Oh, the joys of raising a boy (I'm trying not to stereotype, but all the science I've read says that there really are valid biological reasons why boys have trouble expressing their emotions). Bunker Monkey is the same way; most recently, it took us three weeks to get it out of him that the reason he doesn't want to go back to Tai Kwon Do is because it's too loud (usually he's a sensory seeker, but when it comes to noise he can't stand loudness). We still haven't figured out how to fix that (I doubt we can get the class of 4-year olds to whisper "Ha!" when they do their moves, but maybe...?), but we're working on it.

[shelley]

I so totally get this. I, too, have an anxious older child and a 7.5 year old who is usually easy going- except when he isn't. Your observation about the freaking out is very insightful.

I'm learning that the set of parenting tools I honed with my first child are often totally wrong for my second child. You'd think after almost 8 years I'd quit expecting my children to be the same.

[Sarah]

As someone who told her parents that camp was BORING, here's what it meant for me:
I'd rather have been home reading, doing science activities, and arts and crafts than at camp. I hated the singalong songs, 'drama classes', and pretty much anything that wasn't physical activity or reading time. I hated the fact that less mature kids acting out received most of the counselors' attention, and that we were (to my mind) treated like toddlers, regardless of our age. I was a quiet kid, and never made those life-long friendships that other campers seemed to have. In short, camp was an isolating experience.

My view changed as I got older and went to more specialized camps- horseback riding camp, canoeing trips, hiking trips, etc. Doing something I loved all day offset the pain of never really bonding with people.

Of course Max's situation is different, but there's probably some similarities too. It's hard to hate camp if you love the activities, and the opposite is true as well.

[Beth]

My own camp experiences were similar to Sarah's. While day camp wasn't torture by any means, what I hated most was all of the organized activities that I didn't want to participate in. I felt the same way about "after school programs" (aka, daycare) that I had to go to on the days my mom worked...I couldn't stand not being in charge of my own schedule.

Glad to hear that Max is enjoying camp more now. I think your take on his tantrums is very insightful. It must be difficult to help him out with the things that bother him when he can't really tell you what they are. How do you teach a child how to get more in touch with his feelings?

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

I'm with you on the not quitting. Finish the season and then don't do it again, but don't quit. Of course if there was really something amiss that would be a different thing.

I've done all the psychological profiling for my kids and my husband and myself. Poor MVP--the only "easy" personality type in a house of "difficult" personalities. It is important as a parent to recognize how much we depend on their "easiness."

[lemonscarlet]

I'm the director of youth programs - one of those programs being a summer day camp - at a nonprofit in Pittsburgh.

I see kids running around, playing, jumping, smiling, laughing, getting exercise, trying new things with glee, etc. Then their parents pick them up and they affix a sullen expression on their faces and when asked how their day was they mutter "okay."

I always take it a little personally, and then recall their joy and excitement 20 minutes earlier when holding our resident program pet, Yoshi the gecko.

I have two theories. One is that a lot of kids really do just want to sit at home glazed over in front of the tv and/or video game system - so much that it barely registers with them that they are having fun doing interesting, structured activities. The other is that when they see their parents, they realize they forgot to miss them during the day and assume the "I can't believe you left me here" posture.

If you really do have concerns - ask a staf person that works with your child. If the child is really having a bad time, they will tell you - nothing brings a group down more than the kid who HATES EVERYTHING. They will be eager to problem solve with you.

Just my opinion, but I support your "suck it up" attitude. They gottta learn sometime, right?

Love this blog, BTW.