Hey, wait....you mean my daughter has anxiety issues? What?

Gee, where have I been?

Oh you know, sitting around feeling anxious and worried about my daughter's anxiety and panic attacks!

Weeee!

A week ago we were sitting outside having an end of the year bar-b-que and I noted how shocked I was at the early darkness. You know, since it's almost fall and in Michigan we have something called "Seasons". My friend Laura remarked how every year in Michigan we all forget about what it was like before. Like we forget it gets darker earlier as fall approaches. And...

"Oh God! The leaves are falling out of the trees?"
"What the hell is this white stuff falling out of the sky?"
"How do I drive in the snow again? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  As the car spins off a cliff.

I bring this up because that's how I feel every year as we start school. The first day Maddie is all smiles and I think to myself. Hey! We finally outgrew the stage where I have to surgically remove my daughter from around my head to get her into the school building.

Then on the second day....I'm all, "What the hell? I thought we outgrew this!?" Even though for the last 7 years I've been dropping Maddie off at a class-like setting I've had to surgically remove her from my head for at least the first week of school.

I'm trying to give her tools to deal with her anxiety but short of a shot of bourbon before we start the death march to school, I'm really not coming up with much that seems to make a difference.

I guess time is the only thing.

Amusingly, today I intended to leave Maddie at her Safety Crossing Post to walk Max over to his teacher. You know, since he's seven years old.

Instead, while trying to surgically remove Maddie from my head, Max marched ahead and walked all the way to his class door before I could even get Maddie off my head.

Please don't misinterpret this as lack of empathy, or even lack of understanding.

I mean the summer before I started sixth grade I cried daily after school. Especially when the Citrus Hill Select orange juice commercial would come on. In fact I can still make myself cry when I hum the little tune.

"Citrus Hill Select. Gets your juices flooowing! [Faster] Citrus Hill Select! Gets your juices flowING!"

It's like a Pavlovian Anxiety attack.

I get it. I know it's hard. I know she hates it. I have the surgical scars around my head to remind me how much she hates it.

I also know only time will make this tolerable for both of us. But until then, I pretty much feel like throwing up.

Well I feel like throwing up when I'm not reveling in all this FREEDOM! 35 hours a week of guilt-free time to myself to do the things I love.

I just have to get her through the first few weeks of this insanity.

Comments

[Mysh]

Melissa, my son is a sophomore in high school and it wasn't until 8th grade that he stopped having to be surgically removed from my head in the mornings. He was fine by the end of the day but morning were awful. And he could never really tell me why either, and he knew that he would be fine by the end of the day. It's like he just snapped out of it finally and even though he still isn't what I'd call a morning person, at least my hair is finally covering my scars. Hang in there!

[Ken]

Until I was about 14, I would never get a minute of sleep on the night before the first day of school. I would keep imagining that the alarm clock was going off, every couple of minutes, and I would bolt out of bed thinking I was going to be late.

Also, the "Today Show" theme song still makes me nauseated, because that's what would be on TV every morning before I had to drag myself to the school bus stop.

[MelissaSfromGA]

Hey I can totally relate. I felt like an ass today as I dropped my oldest (9) off at school after yelling at her in the car for not being able to find her glasses. Way to go Mom, send her out the door feeling good. She's also the one that I once had to threaten to get on the school bus!

[Elizabeth]

I can still remember my mom telling me, a few years back, that I just don't handle change well, and that for the first week of school, starting in first grade, I would be a total nightmare, but she knew she just had to get my through that first week and then I'd be fine. It made me feel oddly better, like it was just some inherent part of me and not some horrible character flaw.
Good look getting through.

[Elizabeth]

Duh, that should read Good LUCK getting through. Apparently I don't handle proofreading well either.

[melissa Roy]

Thanks for this post---I just yelled at my 11yr old this morning about the whole puking before school thing (lasts about a week before school starts and then a week after). Seems to get worse every year, not better. I told her I am so TIRED of it and she said she was, too. I feel bad that she's feels bad but yet I still feel resentful and then guilty.

I think therapy for her (and me?) is in order because my other 2 had no issues like this and I apparently am not doing well with coping. I've tried coddling (makes it worse) and being matter of fact ("it's all in your head...you're FINE!") and now I'm just tired and upset that we're still doing this in 6th grade (so, plus preschool, we are in year 9 of the drama)

However, once she's in class, she's fine and will not discuss it later in the day like it never happened and yet the next morning I'm cleaning up the puke again (and it's never anywhere convenient like the bathroom or the grass, either)

[Michelle]

I guess I never really had that kind of issue, as at the age of 8 I was getting myself ready for school and waking my mom up for work in the mornings...

[mom2werogers]

Oh Melissa - I've so got your back! I too am an anxiety sufferer - zoloft rules! Now I notice it in my son and it's different than mine, but also similar in ways. We went to a developmental pediatrician who gave us some tips and some seem to help at different times when he's all worked up. They all sound a little "psychology-y" but they work. Help her pick a mantra and repeat it to herself five times when she's panicked. Like, "I'm safe and fine and school is fun." Or, have her close her eyes and take three deep breaths. Or when my son can't shut his brain down I make him count backward from 30 (he can't quite do 100). It's still hard not to get drustrated though. UGH.

[HeatherK]

My 4yo was so nervous/anxious at pre-k orientation yesterday that she peed her pants. Let's hope she outgrows that before I did (1st grade...and it was only once, but still) She is *just* like me so it just reverberates in such a different way when she's distressed.

That you can deal with this compassionately now will allow her to laugh at herself later, but the now is not any easier for either of you! I say make Logan do the drop-offs or at least share the head-wringing duties!

[Nicole]

Hey there! I am a therapist and I work with kids her age all the time on things like this. I really like mom2werogers suggestions.

But there are some relaxation things that she can do to help. You've probably done some of them with your own therapist at some point, I'd bet.

But I looked around online and found some good resources that might help Maddy. Relaxation works best when practiced regularly (maybe in AM before school and PM before bed?) so that it's second nature when she gets all nervousy.

Anywho, hope it gets better soon and that if these links are helpful for your family that they'll help someone.

http://school.familyeducation.com/learning-disabilities/treatments/37812.html

http://www.allaboutdepression.com/relax/

http://www.umm.edu/sleep/relax_tech.htm

[kat]

I sympathize with you. We have started therapy with our just 9 year old over anxiety issues. The more I talk to the Dr. the more I realize that what I thought was "quirky' when he was little was much more than that. It was debilitating. I also think I have an answer to some of my issues. I wish my parents would have taken me to the therapist when I was 9.

Being nervous about mom leaving or scared of the dentist is cute when your 3 or 4 but when your having a full meltdown at the orthodontist office at 9 it is neither cute or normal. We are getting help before his classmates and friends catch on that perhaps our son is too much trouble to be around.

I am overwhelmed with what I am learning. Our son is fine 90% of the time. But that 10% of being unable to cope with his emotions is debilitating to him, and us.

Get her some help. You can understand and have compassion, but as you know if something in her sweet brain is not working correctly no amount of hugs, kisses and kind words are going to help.

[Mary Anne]

I think it's sweet that she doesn't want to leave you. It means she loves you. Mine give me big hugs in the morning and go off though the first day was rather brutal. Now? They are in the full swing of things with signed folders and all sorts of antics. If you want to hear about my nine year old's day today go to my site. It was amazingly bad. Good kid, bad day. Also, I cheered when they got on the bus the first day. Does this make me a bad person? The pom poms and fireworks may have been over the top, I admit it. BTW, am still looking for an opp to have the fake mustaches around to torture them during down time....one of my very favorite posts of yours EVER. Thanks for the laughs.

[Hi there]

As another mother of an elementary-aged daughter with anxiety, I second the recommendation from kat to find some therapy for Maddie.

I can't put into words how beneficial it can be. I am more than grateful to provide this for my daughter now, so that she will have the tools to deal with it as she gets older.

[Jessica]

I hope she does grow out of it. I used to be like Maddie. I'm 24 now and i still havent grown out of it. It's horrible.

I had a mother who suffered from anxiety too and you would think it would have made it easier for her to deal with me but nope (but that's just her.) She employed the "buck up and get over it. i did" method. It only made it worse. I think even if she had've been reassuring and calm and patient with me and made me believe she understood i still wouldn't have grown out of it but at least i'd have less emotional scars today which only makes things worse for me now.

Anyway. Good luck. I really mean that. I hope things get better for her.

[Lisa]

Would you consider letting your husband drop her off the first few days? Maddie might be less inclined to let the drama come out when she's with him. She may have gotten herself into a routine of behaviour with you and breaking it with a few days of Dad dropping her off might change things. When my daughter was much younger, we had horrible times and this really helped. It could be worth a try anyway.

[Laura]

Here's another vote for letting Logan do drop off. Sometimes there's a parental thing happening - Maddie may be picking up on your anxiety (subliminally) and it's contributing to her anxiety. KWIM? My kindergartener has only cried going to school once (we're on day 14) - the day her dad took her. I think she picks up on and amplifies his emotions, even though he's working hard to look like all is well.

Good Luck! (therapy's not a bad idea, either - I did 3 + years myself - best investment I ever made)

[Nancy]

I third (or forth?) the motion for getting therapy. I suffered through horrible shyness and anxiety when I was a child. Of course, those were the days before therapy was 'normal' or readily available. But, oh how I wish I could have had that option. Being that way kept me from getting involved in so much, and I feel like I missed out on a lot of fun activities that would have greatly enriched my childhood. It also would have been a totally different life if I hadn't been consumed with worry every single school day. Getting help now will give Maddie coping skills that will get her through the teen-age years...which we all know are not any less anxiety-provoking than childhood!

[Aimee Greeblemonkey]

"Sitting around feeling anxious and worried about my daughter's anxiety and panic attacks!"

That is SO me.

[Michele]

Today was the first day that I dropped Piper off to her new class that she did not cry. The trick I found was making them laugh before you even step foot in the school. It took her mind of it and she did not shed a tear.
Of course, this could be a total flook. Yep, I am beating on that one!

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

I, too, have an anxious child, and, although we don't deal with "surgical removal," we do deal with major after-school meltdowns. I have plenty I could say on the topic, but I actually just wanted to say what smart, kind readers you have. These comments are so sensitive and astute.

Wishing you all the best as you work thru this.

[lyn]

Melissa,
I have an 8 yr old son with anxiety issues. We are working with a therapist and I have been slowly completing a workbook with him called, "I bet I won't fret." It is full of stories and exercises designed to teach coping skills. He showed it to his teacher and she ordered 6 copies to give to other kids with similar issues. They are going to start a lunch club.
Elementary group! Proud parenting moment, but hey...if it helps...greatastic!

[Sally]

Hi Melissa,
I remember being physically dragged off my mother 24 years ago in my second year of school (after 2.5 years kindergarten as well). We still have no idea why I suddenly started to lose it every morning. I did "grow out" of it, but Mum says there was alot of talking about what I was thinking and playing dolls with Mum (who's a primary school teacher) before it stopped.
I fourth? fifth (of bourbon?)? sixth? the therapy idea. Anxiety is one more thing that people (especially kids) don't need to deal with, and the earlier you learn to work around it, the better, right?
Right. (Now off to deal with my obsession with brackets...)
Oops... Meant to say also, I've been reading for years, and love it, so thanks.

[kat]

Sorry, back again. We went to the Medical Psychiatrist yesterday and we decided with her to put our son on Zoloft. I was worried about the medication affecting his growing personality, but now I worry that without the medication this personality will be affected more so by the anxiety.

I said to the doctor that he seems to be fine after an anxious episode and she said that doesn't excuse us allowing him to have a panic attack. She said that when people have panic attacks the person feels like they are going to die and as you know, no reasoning, hugs are anything else is going to make it better.

[melissaS]

I'm glad you found something that works for your son. As you know, every child is different and the choices we make for our children are very carefully thought out.

Rest assured I will be taking care of my child by doing what is best for her. I'm glad you're doing the same.

[Aimee]

I had awful anxiety as a child and as others said, it kept me from getting involved in things that would have helped me round out my life. My 3 year old son suffers from some rather serious anxiety issues around bigger kids and there's a pit in my stomach every time I witness his anxiety because it brings back so many bad memories. I don't want him to go through school paralyzed with fear like I did. Did my mom know I was too embarrassed to open my lunch box all the way for fear it would smell too strong? No way, but I did. Anyway, my thoughts are with you and Maddie.

[Velma]

Wow. This is EXACTLY what I'm going through with my tightly-wound 8 year old. We had our first therapy session yesterday, and I have high hopes that this will help teach her some coping skills. As I am typing this, she is sitting on the couch across the room with a bowl on her lap, "just in case she throws up." She's been carrying the damn bowl around the house for a month. Never thrown up once. Sigh.

[Jennifer]

My 6.5 year old has been dealing with anxiety issues pretty much since birth. She's had a lot on her plate. Developmental delays, sensory issues. We were able to get through all of the physical hurdles through therapy but she was having so many problems emotionally. Drop off at preschool was so stressful for the both of us. I can't describe the range of emotions I had. The school psychologist suggested we seek professional help, which we did. I never thought I would medicate any of my children for any reason but we didn't see any other option. The doctor prescribed Zoloft and the change in my daughter felt nothing short of a miracle. Even though the results have been so good, I still am not 100% comfortable with using meds so we're working on a plan to wean her off the medicine. We are hoping that with maturity and therapy she will be able to learn how to cope with the anxious feelings that she has.