Suburban Bliss:: Birth Control Via The Written Word

Whining with something productive at the end.

The irritation I feel at my landlord and my inability (at Logan's wise request) to say unpleasant things to him has now become a strep/tonsilitis infection. That's right, all the bitter bile I've been containing in my body has traveled to my tonsils.

Right now it feels as if I did have words with my landlord and he punched me in the throat in response. His fist might still be in there. I'm not sure.

I am sure that there's a nice frosty glass of water next to my bed and it's taunting me because I keep putting it in my mouth and then spitting it out because I can't face trying to swallow my landlord's fist again.

Between my 5:00 doctor appointment and 8pm I've taken three doses of my antibiotic. So either I'm going to kick the shit out of this infection and feel better tomorrow morning or I'll wake up with a raging yeast infection. Oh Boy. You guys are so lucky to read this website!

But all is not lost. Maggie's friend Margaret helped us out when we lamented the lack of cool boy's clothes while searching for our back to school clothes guide. It turns out I just have a tremendous lack of imagination when I dress my own son and couldn't break out of our little Gap Jeans With Various T-Shirts Rut.

Margaret sent us a great collection of stuff you'll want to take a look at over at Mighty Junior.

Hey, thanks! Wait.

A few weeks ago someone left a comment that read;

"Thoughtful husband. Wicked woman."

I thought, "Wow, that lady thinks I'm Wicked Awesome! Like Massachusetts awesome!"

That's a nice thing to say.

But then, after a brief delay, and perusal of her website, I realized that no, she actually thinks I'm wicked in the more generally frowned upon sense of evil.

**************

A while back I posted a picture of Maddie drinking out one of the Naked Lady Glasses we have in the house. Well, now we have just one after a particularly traumatic evening when someone was awkwardly drinking out of the naked lady glass and dropped it.

Someone, who's since deleted her account, left a couple of comments on the photo about what a terrible mother I was for letting my kid drink out of a naked lady glass.

And I assumed she was being sarcastic because I didn't think it was possible to be offended by my kid drinking out of a naked lady glass. Which after this long on the internet you'd think I'd realize how pretty much everything on the internet offends someone at some time.

So I played along, taking the joke further saying maybe my kid would become a serial killer because she drank out of a naked lady glass. Ha! Ha! Right!?

But no, we weren't playing the same sarcasm game...because her next comment suggested Maddie would not become a serial killer but would likely get pregnant from drinking out of a naked lady glass. (?)(!)

Oh, okay, so we're not joking are we. Oops!

**************

I'm trying to decide if it's a good thing I assume people are being kind, even when they're not. Or if this just makes me a bigger jack ass than I originally thought.

Still there's something kind of satisfying about taking someone's insults and taking them in as kindly comments. Like when someone flips you off in traffic and you smile and wave back.

You can just hear them, in their car, "Why is she smiling! I'm furious! FURIOUS!!!! I'm flipping her off why does she keep smiling? STOP SMILING! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

And I'm in my car going, "How nice, he's waving to me with his middle finger. That must be a new thing all the kids are doing! Hello nice fellow! Have a lovely day!"

And then his head explodes.

Mighty Haus: Jordan Ferney From Oh Happy Day!

I've mentioned before how much I love and am constantly inspired by Jordan Ferney's taste in planning events.

Little did I know she could have saved my frozen peas after Logan's vasectomy.

We asked Jordan to be our first guest editor at Mighty Haus. I could hardly wait to see what she'd send, you can hardly wait to see it all too.

"Guest Editor: Jordan Ferney From Oh Happy Day!"

Did They Eat It: Pasta Primavera

I made this Pasta Primavera from Elise Bauer's Simply Recipes for my book club.

I realized while deciding what to make for this group of women that I'm okay with one food restriction. I can cook vegetarian meals with my eyes closed, but if you add an additional allergy to the mix, I end up running around the kitchen spraying flour on every surface while fretting about what to make.

My book club includes a couple vegetarians (poor things) and a lactose intolerant lady (unfortunate soul), so I'm constantly finding vegetarian recipes that include cheese, or non-cheese dishes that include animal flesh. One of the conditions for membership in our book club, at least in my head, is "You have to at least eat pasta."

Pasta is one of those uniting foods that brings people together over the table. Kind of like the Olympics or sharing outlandish landlord stories. Oh wait that's only at my table!

Common Sense Flu

Why yes, I'm still sick! I'm so glad you asked. I've been analyzing why it is that when I'm sick I want to explain how sick I am. How badly I want everyone to know how terrible it is. How they couldn't possibly have ever been this sick because, this is the sickest anyone has ever been in the history of illness. More or less.

I think there is only one conclusion to draw, one I think we all already knew. I am a huge baby.

Three tiles fell off the bathroom wall recently. When we let the landlord know about this issue and asked how he'd like to address it we received a pleasant email in return. This email stated that we needed to use "Common Sense" and that we should dry the tiles around the bathtub after we shower.

You all do this right? Take a shower, and then promptly dry the tile so the tile doesn't fall off the wall?

"Common Sense"

He went on to explain how this same "Common Sense" could be applied to the 2-3 inches of water we get in the basement off and on from February to April. You see, according to our landlord, this flooding is caused by snow piled up against the house. If there is snow against the house, you have to get it away from the house.

You all do this right? Shovel the grass surrounding the foundation of your home?

"Common Sense"

Logan has forbid me from responding to the landlord and has requested I keep my contact with this person limited to signing our rent checks. (Without any helpful "Common Sense!" tips written into the Memo section).

I'm good at a few things. I'm good at keeping things organized. I'm good at cutting clutter. I'm really good at empathizing. I am very not good at keeping my mouth shut.

It's probably the thing I'm worst at.

So it's a good thing I don't talk to the landlord about his idea of Common Sense, because that's a conversation that can't end well.

Still last night my fever came back and I slept for 10 hours.

I've got a Politeness Infection.

Snooze Fest and Not A Snooze Fest.

Well Hello. Being sick is Incredibly Boring. Boring to read about and even more boring to live. I hope this isn't a preview of the long winter ahead.

Still, have you checked out daytime television lately? Apparently people who watch TV during the day need to work out more, eat better and like to hear about people who are already doing all that. Is this news to anyone else?  It's not news to me but I've never seen a demographic so clearly played out.

Stay away from the news channels though because they, with their politicians and close races and flailing stock market and crashing mutual funds.....make your fever rise. Deep Breath. In. Out.

Instead of trying to put some words together, because, as we can see that's not going very well let's say it the weekend.

I'm calling this a free ad. Please ignore if it's going to make you want to punch me in the face. (via Blurb)

Mighty Junior: Gift Closet Guide: 14 Gifts Under $20

You know how your kid is always invited to birthday gatherings and then at the last minute you remember and on the way you're buying a gift and putting it in a gift bag....and everyone knows you bought it at the last minute.

Just me?

Well, okay then. These are perfect birthday gifts for the kids in your life, you organized thing you.

Fourteen Perfect Gifts For Under $20 

Did They Eat It?: Shells with Grilled Chicken and Mozzerella

My family is very wary of recipe titles.

They're certain that by only telling them the name of the recipe I'm serving,  I'm leaving out all the many things they hate to eat. So I can spring it on them just before dessert. "You like that? Guess what? It's PEOPLE! Surprise!"

But this recipe is pretty much what it says, except it  makes no mention of the tomatoes (thankfully that's a welcome  surprise for my family). It has a little something for everyone,  grilled chicken, tomatoes and cheese.  It's a really easy meal,  especially if you think to grill some extra chicken at a meal a couple  days earlier. I never do this because all of my brain cells are being occupied by Project: Keep The House Standing.

There's no heavy sauce to scare Logan under the stairs in the basement. Maddie likes  three out of the five main ingredients (depending on her level of PMS) and Max likes everything in  the dish, unless he's constipated. These are excellent odds for a happy dinner table.

Swelling

This is the seventh day Maddie has had a fever. She has a rash that comes and goes with a dose of medicine. We've seen the doctor twice and are assured this is something "Viral" and we should wait it out.

I love my daughter but right now she's staring at me as I type and is also trying to tap random keys because she's bored. 

Seven days is a lot of days to be stuck on the sofa with your mom.

Seven days is a lot of days to be stuck on the sofa with your kid.

School has been in session for 10 days.
Maddie has been at school for 5 of those days.

These are not terrific odds for an Ivy League future. Also not terrific odds for the various plans I have for my child-free days. Like eating frosting out of the jar in my pajamas.

In other news my birthday was Friday and the day started out, you know, not good. I walked Max to school, since Maddie was staying home again, and the crossing guard suggested we'd woken up late. I thought because of my crazy morning pre-workout/shower hair, but no, she cheerfully told me it was because of my swollen eyes.

Oh-HO! No, I wanted to tell her, my eyes are not swollen because I just woke up. They're swollen because I went to bed crying and woke up crying and pretty much right now? You're making me want to cry. My birthday was preceded by some (unspoken) unpleasantness.

So I walked home with my swollen eyes, and as I came up the driveway I found three dead mice Gary appeared to have left me as a little birthday surprise. Isn't that nice? Too bad I didn't notice the fourth one until after I'd run it over with the car later in the day. Because that was a pretty unique way to say "Happy Birthday!"

But then I went to pick up Logan at the airport from his 9/11 overnight trip into hurricane country. The trip, given my bad day on Thursday, I was really convinced could only end in some unimaginable tragedy...just so my eyes would never stop being swollen.

But instead his flight got in on time and he'd set up a surprise sitter and slowly I realized all my favorite friends didn't just happen to be in a bar in downtown Detroit.

It was a good night, and exactly what I needed.
And when it was over, my eyes weren't swollen anymore.

Swimming Dogs

On Saturday we snuck* our way into the End of Season Dog Swim at the local city pool.

*By snuck I mean we walked up to the gate said, "We're forcing our poor daughter to live a dog-less life, but can we torture her by watching the dogs swim?" And they said, "Sure, you assholes!"

A few of the dogs got off leash and instead of staying in the water, where they were allowed off leash, they ran around like I imagine all the kids would have run around the pool all summer if there weren't any rules about that sort of thing.

Watching all the dogs play and dive and chase each other was excruciating and hilarious.

Someday we'll get a dog.

If you have a dog, or like watching them swim, there are a couple more similar events coming up as other local pools are drained for the season.

You can see the other pictures here.

Other Places: Week Of September 1

The kids were back to school this week and it reminded me of that one time I tried to get things done while I punched myself in the face and my goodness it was distracting! Then I decided to stop. Suddenly, I could concentrate!

True, the kids didn't punch me in the face this summer but kids, even the most adorable, well behaved and exceeding intelligent kids don't really give a shit if you have stuff you'd like to do.

Little known fact: Kids are selfish! Who knew?

Here's what I got done this week:

At the Buzz Off I found some lunchbox inspiration. I was so inspired, on Wednesday I night I made pancake batter and whipped up pancakes for breakfast. (It was my way of saying, "Hey, thanks for not punching me in the face. Have a great day!") I wrapped the extras in aluminum foil with a small container of applesauce for dipping and sent them to school.

At Mighty Junior I closed out a list of 15 Perfect Gifts For Two Year Olds and we had Chris Jordan, from Notes From The Trenches, share a few of her favorite things.

Mighty Haus is still exceedingly fun to shop for. Mustaches aren't dead yet are they? Because I still love them in all forms. (A reader sent me the link to those glasses and I can't find the note to say, "Thanks!" So...."Thanks!") Also, check out these little woodpeckers that attach to your file boxes. They're such a funny little touch for the office. I need them.

Hey, wait....you mean my daughter has anxiety issues? What?

Gee, where have I been?

Oh you know, sitting around feeling anxious and worried about my daughter's anxiety and panic attacks!

Weeee!

A week ago we were sitting outside having an end of the year bar-b-que and I noted how shocked I was at the early darkness. You know, since it's almost fall and in Michigan we have something called "Seasons". My friend Laura remarked how every year in Michigan we all forget about what it was like before. Like we forget it gets darker earlier as fall approaches. And...

"Oh God! The leaves are falling out of the trees?"
"What the hell is this white stuff falling out of the sky?"
"How do I drive in the snow again? AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  As the car spins off a cliff.

I bring this up because that's how I feel every year as we start school. The first day Maddie is all smiles and I think to myself. Hey! We finally outgrew the stage where I have to surgically remove my daughter from around my head to get her into the school building.

Then on the second day....I'm all, "What the hell? I thought we outgrew this!?" Even though for the last 7 years I've been dropping Maddie off at a class-like setting I've had to surgically remove her from my head for at least the first week of school.

I'm trying to give her tools to deal with her anxiety but short of a shot of bourbon before we start the death march to school, I'm really not coming up with much that seems to make a difference.

I guess time is the only thing.

Amusingly, today I intended to leave Maddie at her Safety Crossing Post to walk Max over to his teacher. You know, since he's seven years old.

Instead, while trying to surgically remove Maddie from my head, Max marched ahead and walked all the way to his class door before I could even get Maddie off my head.

Please don't misinterpret this as lack of empathy, or even lack of understanding.

I mean the summer before I started sixth grade I cried daily after school. Especially when the Citrus Hill Select orange juice commercial would come on. In fact I can still make myself cry when I hum the little tune.

"Citrus Hill Select. Gets your juices flooowing! [Faster] Citrus Hill Select! Gets your juices flowING!"

It's like a Pavlovian Anxiety attack.

I get it. I know it's hard. I know she hates it. I have the surgical scars around my head to remind me how much she hates it.

I also know only time will make this tolerable for both of us. But until then, I pretty much feel like throwing up.

Well I feel like throwing up when I'm not reveling in all this FREEDOM! 35 hours a week of guilt-free time to myself to do the things I love.

I just have to get her through the first few weeks of this insanity.