The one where I put every awkward thing into one event and see what happens!

Logan and I have set up three couples and two of those couples are now married and I wouldn't be surprised if the third couple ends up walking down the aisle. I like to think this is because we have excellent friends and when they meet they're all, "Hey! We are excellent. Let's make out."

Then, the magic happens.

This weekend we attended a wedding for our friends Brad and Debra and it was all very exciting. The bride was lovely, the groom happy, the party lots of fun.

However, I'd be lying if I didn't mention how little I was looking forward to some awkward interactions.

Brad used to live across the street from Logan while they were growing up in Brighton. This means my Mother In Law and Father In Law would be at the wedding because they are very good friends with Brad's parents. You know....the ones I haven't spoken to in years and I'm not allowed to talk about why? [Edited: After a really disturbing comment, I've removed this reference. Until I can actually say how things fell apart between my in laws and me, hints like the one I left earlier leave things WAY too out of control horribly misunderstood. They're terrible but Oh. My. Lord. Not like that.]

Also Logan's brother is angry I guess, so that was yet another layer of the awkward.

Additionally, remember this story? How my child-less, non-married, non-mortgaged friends couldn't understand why I would feel so worn out by motherhood? And suggested I get a job to combat the utter exhaustion of the whole thing? That group of friends I hadn't spoken to in almost the same amount of time that I haven't spoken to my in laws.....some of them were going to be there!

Isn't this sounding super duper fun!?

We arrive at the rehearsal so Logan can practice the reading Brad and Debra asked him to do. (This one, that was also part of our wedding ceremony and makes me cry a little.)

As we walk in I see Brad's older brother and start to say hello and then I see another old friend I haven't seen in years and have missed a lot. So I, being socially inept, start to ignore my original intent of greeting Brad's brother.

This starts an amazing chain of events ending with me being half hugged by Brad's brother while attempting to hug our old friend at the same time. This is the Most Awkward Hug Of All Time. One I never could have imagined in all my years of giving ridiculously terrible hugs. I think I pulled a muscle in performing it.

Picture it for a minute. Yep, it was that bad.

Things go along fine, I see Brad's parents, and though they have undoubtedly heard an earful about the type of person I am, they pretend that I don't have horns and cloven hooves for hands. I see another old friend who is the spouse of one of the helpful Starbucks Suggestion gals.

Luckily he could care less about stupid girl drama and it's great hearing about their life together and their little girl.

The next day is the wedding and we arrive just before the ceremony allowing us to sit closer to the back of the church. This is nice because I don't end up with daggers being aimed at my head by certain wedding guests who aren't particularly fond of me. Not that I blame them.

Right before the ceremony starts, a woman turns around to say hello to Logan. It's the mother of the girl he dated the longest besides me. The girl he thought he would marry, except she turned out to not be a  good fit for reasons I am not at liberty to share. (Logan just passed out from the stress of that sentence. "She's not going to....What is she DOING!?)

And just like that I wished I'd bought a new dress and gotten my hair done for this wedding because you know she's telling her daughter right now, "Well, she didn't have fangs or hooves. But my God her roots were ridiculous!"

With all that out of the way we went on to the reception, found our table and Logan went over to say hello to the table with his parents and all the people from the neighborhood he grew up in. Me and my cloven hooves stayed over at the other side of the room at a table by myself awkwardly sipping wine while trying to avoid eye contact with my angry brother in law and his new wife who is pregnant.

What a disaster soap opera we've all created! But really the best part was when Logan had to ask one of his brother's high school friends what his own sister-in-law's name is. Almost as good as the hug from the night before.

After Logan is done sharing pictures of our kids with the table across the room, things become much more fun. We sit at a great table with old friends, we catch up, talk about the Starbucks Suggestion. One of the guys is now a doctor and ENT so I show him my tonsils and ask him if he can do the surgery right here. He declines. Another guy at the table is a rocket scientist, no, I'm not being sarcastic.

He talks about his work and I explain my job. "Well I shop....and then I put those things into the computer....and then....people....look at it.....sometimes I puke my guts all over the internet as well."

At some point Logan's father came over to the table to chat and he did say hello to me and that was awfully kind. Someday maybe I'll be as grown up.

Once all the awkwardness was done I realized what I'd just had was the closest thing to a high school reunion as I'll ever get. I finally understood why people put themselves through the torture of revisiting high school. It's amazing to get to see people who knew you at one particular time in your life, then you all go off and grow and change, but there's something so satisfying about reminiscing about that one time in your life.

For Logan and I it was especially rewarding to see these friends we had 5 years ago finally starting on the life we were in the throes of when we were trying to make a friendship work with them.

Back then I liked that we had friends who were living the life I should have been living in my 20's. I had Maddie much earlier than we'd planned, I didn't want to have kids until my 30s. All the parents we knew seemed to have let the part of themselves that has fun with and without kids die. The problem was we were missing people we could relate to and who could understand what it's like to love something so much but feel dissatisfied by a lot of the day-to-day work of raising a family and balancing a marriage.

We still have friends who don't have kids and I'm glad we do. They can come over at the drop of a hat without having to organize a babysitter a month out. But I'm also glad we have friends who are parents and can have fun without the kids some of the time. Things are balanced now.

But there was something to be said for the time in our lives when we'd get a weekend sitter, cram 10 people into a couple of cars and drive 4 hours just to spend an evening at a Tiki bar in Columbus, Ohio.

Those friendships let me hold onto my 20's a little longer.

Comments

[Tina]

I have been reading your blog for years before I had a baby, or ever thought I would have a baby. I found it when I was devastated over a really bad haircut by googling similar tress tragedies.
I've read your blog single, then divorced, then in coupledom once more, this time with a baby.
I think of you and Logan (almost as if I know you, which I obviously don't) a lot as I too am learning to balance old and new friendships. I also think of you when I am having a much deserved beer. You like, rule.

[marlene]

your post just gave me an anxiety attack! ;-)

[MelissainATL]

I hear what you're saying about trying to balance friendships. And I do think it's important to try to find people, single, married, childless, childful who you as an individual and couple can spend time with.

[Cat]

There's something to be said for your writing, esp in a post like this where you say so little but communicate so much.

[Janine]

Many of my friends are just now having children, whereas we are four years into our journey. Many of them are saying, "Now I get it, now I understand!". I am trying really hard not to say, "I told you so", but I am going to restrain myself and take the high road. However, I do find it somewhat satisfying to hear how exhausted and overworked they are now that we are past the baby phase (at least for now). Is it bad that I take a tiny bit of pleasure in that? :)

[mcconk]

I give you wild applause for going to this event and enjoying yourself, while still being classy and not offensive to those who offend YOU! I would have been a nervous wreck. Bravo. Seriously.

[kate]

Wow. You? Are sooo much braver than I am. I would have totally a) elected to stay home and skip that event or b) if it meant going out of town alone with my husband, I would have stayed in the hotel with a bottle of wine in one hand and the remote-control in the other.

I admire your courage at facing that crowd!!

[Meg McG]

Wow that sounded so magical and sweet! Just kidding, but delusions can be fun.

If you're ever in a position where you can heal those relationships I hope you do, though it sounds pretty far gone to me.

In my life I have been only able to keep male friends long term. I give up on women as a fairly useless venture beyond casual acquaintances. With two little ones I have found the best way to keep my male, single, childless friends near is to simply entertain twice a week. Works for us and them.

Either way, no matter how many people horribly suck, you have way more fans than any of them do!

[Holli Seitz]

I enjoy reading your blog and thought you might be interested in an upcoming invitation-only webinar for bloggers being held by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. It will focus on ways you and your family can protect yourself against the flu, and will be held on December 2 from 2-3 p.m. EST. Please save the date and watch for your official invitation e-mail from hseitz at cdc dot gov.

[bonzai]

You are so brave, Melissa. I would have burned the invitation on receipt and never said a word to my other half.
As someone who understand the not speaking to toxic people all too well, you have my utmost admiration for braving this event, and even turning the potential for ugliness into an evening that you could enjoy. Brava!

[MelissaS]

@Meg That was kind of the neat thing about seeing old friends who I feel "wronged" me in the past. I wasn't mad about it after the first year after it happened, but talking to them and having one of the girls tell me now that her friends are getting married and having babies she understands so much more....it was very healing for those relationships.

As far as seeing my in laws. There will never be peace there. There's a ton less anger, especially now that my "secret" was let out by me on my own terms. But no, there will be no healing and reconciliation. I have no desire to go back to that place.

[Stella]

I was 26 when I failed my pregnancy test. Given that 30 is the new 20, that's practically the same as being a teenage mum. The vast majority of my friends are still off travelling, partying, having a brilliant time. I'm working full time, studying, pinching pennies and wondering if children ever sleep through the night.

Your post gives me some hope: It's true that I'll never again be the girl still dancing in front of the speakers at dawn, getting dragged away by her friends at last because it's time to go home and sleep already. But maybe one day I will get that balance back and start to find the fun again.

[amy]

finally! someone who enjoys awkwardness more than me! woo hoo!

i am glad you were able to see the value in this experience. good for you.

[carosgram]

Great post!!! Thinking of you and wishing you the best

[anonymous]

I find it troubling that you repeatedly post about people that you would rather leave behind & avoid (in-laws). If you really don't want to go back, why not let it go?

[anonymous]

I find it troubling that you repeatedly post about people that you would rather leave behind & avoid (in-laws). If you really don't want to go back, why not let it go?

[Sarey]

Ah, the ole Kahiki (RIP)....
now a corner Walgreens,... Harumph.

[Dawn]

What mcconk said.

Also, it's reassuring to know there's someone else out there who does not welcome toxic people into her life. Why does it become our fault when we call them on their hurtful behaviour? Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in "The Emperor's New Clothes" with bad behaviour replacing the missing clothes.

I can SO relate to the advice given by the child-free friends. Like most things in this life, you have to experience parenthood to really get it. It is amusing sometimes to hear how well-behaved their theoretical children would be, though.

[HeatherK]

That awkward hugger bit totally plays like a Seinfeld episode. How on earth did you make it through all that. I'm still up in the air about my reunion and this isn't exactly making me look forward to it anymore. Maybe I'll stay home and cook with Velveeta. ;-)

[bridget]

i think you have let it go. ANd they are gone. Now you live a lovely life on your own terms. YAh! for you. can't wait to make your recipe! looks yummy

[Lisa]

Hi, I think you have"let it go" and I for one am glad that you post personal feelings and experiences. What you just were a part of is a more accurate picture of what a"real" life and living involve. Most people are NOT smooth-havealltheanswers-graceful.Not every situation in life comes out of a "Miss Manners" book, for goodness sake.Let's get rid of some of the pretensions of this life we are trying to live and embrace some of the realness. Let's support and cheer for our fellow evolving humans on their journey. Let's reap praise on people who are not living cookie-cutter lives and are brave enough to not only talk about it, but laugh at it.Sorry for the long comment?!Sunshine

[bonzai]

Ah anonymous! If only things were that easy. If you never had to see these people again, no problem. However, when they are entrenched in your life, because of ties that you cannot (will not, should not) cut then their reappearance triggers heavy emotions at times. Revisiting things is a way of moving beyond, reexamining again is a way toward clarity and strength. The healing time is proportional to the damage inflicted. And I think we all now have a pretty good indication of just how powerfully hurtful their actions were for Melissa.

[melissaS]

Oops. I meant to delete both of Anonymous's duplicate comments.

I suspect Anonymous is someone from the family. (The IP address is located in the area they all live.)

I have for the most part let it go and not mentioned them because they are not a huge part of my life anymore. My anger was greatly relieved when I was finally able to explain to my close friends why I don't speak to them anymore.

Logan and the kids see them when they can and I have mostly avoided them. I wouldn't miss the wedding of a friend I've known for 15 years and of a couple we introduced. That would be selfish.

It was a big deal for me to actually see them for the first time since everything happened. So I wrote about it.

I said nothing particularly hurtful, just gave my own feelings about how things happened at this wedding. Even going so far as to take my own responsibility in it all. "What a disaster soap opera we've all created!"

Talking about weird and unpleasant things that happen to me is what I have always done on this website and will always do.

I'm sorry that's "Troubling" for you Anonymous. It troubles me that you continue to read.

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

*Cringing* at that hug. Yes...I can picture it. Awk-WARD.

Hubby and I did the same thing...had our kids WAY too early (I wasn't even 20 yet) BUT...we were so frickin poor that the added torture of babies didn't really phase us. Now....our kids are self-sufficient...we have the money (well, in theory) to enjoy ourselves....and best of all....when they go to college (if - if) we'll be young enough to enjoy our lives while those other suckers who waited are going to be at those PTA meetings trying not to snap their pens or huck their note-pads at the other parents.

Trust me, we did it right. Yes we did.

[Sarah]

Wow, just reading about all of that awkwardness (that has nothing to do with me) made my throat tighten! I would have had a rash and sweaty palms the whole night. Amazing stuff!

As for the commenter pointing out that there are two sides to every story - I say of course! Because really, what else can one have but their own side, and to fully own that side? That's what most blogs are about; one's own point of view. That's what I'm here to read.

[Debbie]

Sometimes I think we are channeling one another, sometimes I think you are the writer to the words I cannot manage to form and other times, you crack me up and make me realize life has a silver lining at times and its ok to look for it.

So thank you, thank you for being so open and honest, I needed to know I wasn't the only one who thought about life the way you do at times.

Debbie

[Olly]

Ahhh...Nothing like being the black sheep of the family. My husbands mother favours his sister and will back her up no matter what. You can just imagine the pain this has caused others in the family over the years. I ignore it, but my kids and husband can't.

[MamaC]

See, now the only thing more awkward would be if this had taken place at an event thrown by the Center for Disease Control. Thank Holli S. for that silver lining.

Seriously, though, thank you for writing and keeping things honest. Not that I don't enjoy the My-Cute-Kid-Did-The-Darndest-Thing websites, but this one I respond to on multiple levels and makes all us imperfects seem a little less alone. I can say that when you write something difficult, I understand myself a little more.

[Rebecca]

Melissa, I too have toxic in-laws that I generally try to avoid, with DH's blessing, because they are just Toxic with a capital T, and my life and health are so much better off without them and their anger and insults and general nasty attitudes. And yet I don't totally cut them off because of my kids.

We are having a little issue with DH's asshat extraordinaire of a brother and his bitch troll of a wife right now, and the worst part of it is, we *have to* see them this weekend because there is a family celebration. I will remember you and your situation and draw strength from it -- always good to know that I'm not alone!