I'm still more awkward than a camera in the ass.

Yesterday Logan had to go in for his first Colon cancer screening. His dad had colon cancer in his late forties, so it's important for him to get checked out. Logan remembers going to the hospital before his prom (one of the 5 he went to....oh me? I went to exactly zero proms), so his dad could see him and his brother. I can't imagine what life was like for his family then. Actually I can and the thought of going through that with Logan is unbearable.

So camera in the ass it is!

My mom had breast cancer, so the nice thing for me is I can just walk around feeling myself up 24/7 to watch for lumps (with the occasional mammogram) and I'm thoroughly screened. Logan's screening is a little less pleasant.

I've never seen Logan in a hospital bed. I've taken up all the hospital time in this family, Logan got all the proms and I get all the hospitals. But seeing him there with an oxygen mask on his face, I was not prepared for the feeling like I couldn't breathe. Even though I knew he was just a sleeping off the anesthesia and this was a no big deal type of procedure. Well no big deal if you like having cameras in your bottom.

After a few minutes he started to wake up and I'm used to a Logan who can get very disoriented while he's sleeping. I'm sure I've told this story before and I'm sure Logan's LOVED hearing it every time I tell it.

One night I woke up and Logan was on his hands and knees in the bed, looking around frantically. I said, "Honey, what are you doing?" (As one might do in that sort of situation.) And he looked at me, shocked and said, "Oh my God, what are you doing up here?"

He'd been dreaming he was crawling along the edge of a building.

Coming out of sedation was a lot less entertaining than that. He kept saying, "Should I have air? Is air normal?"

He was referring to the air in his body from the test and needing to, as the common man would say, fart. Suddenly Logan was shy about farting.

The next half an hour was spent trying to get the "Air" out of his body. I tried not to laugh, but you guys, the entire recovery room was a chorus of people trying to get the "Air" out of their bodies. I suddenly thought being the recovery nurse in the Colo-Rectal department would be insanely hilarious.

He had one polyp they found and the doctor saw the frantic collecting of everything I know about Polyps in my brain and assured me it was very small, "Like a piece of skin dressed up for Halloween as a polyp! A Junior Polyp!"

It hadn't occurred to me that they'd find anything but a really nice looking colon, as far as they go. The word Polyp, even Junior Polyp was not part of my plan for this. I'm certain it's nothing, really even if it's precancerous after the biopsy it only means Logan has to go back every three years instead of five.

Which, according to Logan is almost worse than just having the entire colon removed.

At breakfast after the procedure we were talking about how awful it was. How he felt really weird about everything. I can imagine it's pretty unpleasant to have a camera in a place generally marked for Exit Only. But then I reminded him about Maddie's birth.

How her heart rate kept dropping and they were trying to find a new position for me so the heart rate would go back to normal. I reminded him of the time I ended up leaning into a bean bag chair on my hospital bed, on all fours....in a hospital gown...with my ass hanging out for the 20 or so doctors and nurses who had gathered in case the situation became an emergency.

At least he was asleep when he was in that position. I got to live it.

Comments

[Ariel]

I'm sorry about the camera up his ass but really? You had it worse- I had the same thing happen to me when I was in labor with my daughter- they flipped a blanket over my backside as they were rolling me down to the OR for the emergency C-Section. Very thoughtful of them, wasn't it?

[JLP]

Oh yeah, I did the doggie-style labor for a bit, too (despite several times saying "no thank you" when the nurses suggested that position to get my son to turn around). Very humiliating.

Hope Logan's polyp remains junior-sized and nothing more.

[Mandy]

I took a four hour lactose intolerance test in the recovery area of a colonoscopy center, just two months after my own colonoscopy (at the age of 25). I was equal parts amused by the endless variety of sounds coming from the other side of the curtain and horrified at the thought that I too had once joined a similar chorus.

Even worse, when the doctor told my husband that it could be dangerous for me NOT to expel the air after my procedure, he took that as his own hall pass to pass gas whenever he felt the need. For the last two years, my life has been a succession of toots followed quickly by a "I've gotta let it out. It could be dangerous not to." Hope your husband doesn't latch onto that the way that mine did.

[getsheila]

No prom is better than your one-and-only prom, where you go with someone you barely know who only asked you because you were a cheerleader, you double date with people who think it would be fun to have pizza at someone's house rather than get dressed up and go out to a nice restaurant, you are too shy to dance with him, and you go home feeling guilty for ruining your date's evening even though your evening was just as sucky and unpleasant.

I'm just sayin'.

So glad Logan's bumb is healthy, if perhaps a bit tender today.

Now there's a bunch of words I never expected to put together, in that order, during my lifetime.

[AnEmily]

I've experienced the joy of the colonoscopy AND the joy of ass in the air labor emergency. Frankly, I'd rather have another colonoscopy than ass-up labor in front of husband, friend, mom, and many nurses. Glad Logan's procedure is over and done with.

[Jerri Ann]

Like AnEmily, I've experienced both of those as well, but my last camera experience they couldn't quite get me sedated so they tried to just go ahead and do the procedure to see if I could tolerate it.

bahahahahaahahahahahahahaha tolerate it, bahahahahaha and no they were not able to finish that litle camera experience.....sedation is good, very very good

[Carolyn]

Wow, Logan and I must be on the same schedule this week, complete with a Junior Polyp. how sweet it was: http://guwisays.blogspot.com/2008/11/rear-window.html

[Kristy]

I've had a colonoscopy. The procedure itself is nothing since you're knocked out; the preparation the night before is the really horrendous part. But let's put it in perspective: colon cancer is a hell of a lot worse. My friend's husband is fighting it right now.

[cynthia]

love your blog!!

hope everything ends okay with him :o)

[brie]

I had a colonoscopy a few years ago and as I began reading this post, before I got to the part about the "air," I felt a little squirmy thinking about how horrible the gas was. I don't remember any of the procedure or having a sore bum, but I do remember the air being basically uncontrollable. Every movement I made resulted in a whoosh of pressure release. On the plus side, my gastroenterologist gave me a four frame photo of my colon. Weeee!

[carrie]

My husband had to have a colonoscopy several years ago because he had infected lymph nodes in the lower right quadrant (seriously, that's what the doctor called it in the official diagnosis) and they wanted to make certain it wasn't anything bad. I giggled like a middle schooler while sitting in the recovery room with all the tooting, semi-conscious other patients. My husband still doesn't find the humor in the situation but trust me, it's funny.

I hope Jr. Polyp is indeed nothing.

[bonzai]

I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much. 3-1/2 years ago, I was in the same position. A polyp - just a little one. No biggie, but it put me on the 'Come back in 3 years and do this again' list. Prepping sucked more than the first time for some reason, but being polyp-free on round 2, I get to wait until 2013 for the next tunnel of fun video.
They should have at least given him a 4x6 of Mr. Polyp so he knows who he's dealing with.

[Astrogirl426]

I think the only thing that will make you feel better about all this is - you guessed it! - doing a meme. See, Logan gets all the proms, you get all the memes. So here it is, for more info:

http://astrogirl426.blogspot.com/2008/11/weird-and-wonderful.html

It's a Weird Meme, NOT that i think you're weird. At ALL. Um. Nope! :)

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

My son had to have a colonoscopy when he was 6. You haven't had fun until you've had to force a 6-year old to drink that solution. Many tears were shed by both of us.

I'm glad it was just a junior polyp.

[April]

So, I'm catching up on blogs, and reading your post on the lawn signs only further confirms that we have the same landlord.

Not like, your landlord is just like mine the same, I mean literally the same. I can pretty much glean that we share a geographical similarity, and your "common sense" post followed by the "Sorry, folks, I change the rules to fit how I feel this very second" posts really makes me think they are one-and-the-same.

[HeatherK]

By word association, I will never eat a junior mint again. yick. Glad he is willing to be screened! It's the least he could do to compensate for birth x2

[Courtney]

Yeah, you had it worse, but I'll say a poor Logan anyway. My mom had breast cancer, too, and passed away from it so I have to be really good about getting checked even though I'm not even 30 yet.

[giyen]

I think the diameter of a baby waaaay trumps the diameter of a camera. Just sayin'

[Krys]

Just so you know, my brother-in-law has polyps removed every time he gets a colonoscopy, and they've always been non/precancerous.
It's just become something he lives with...

[ceri]

yeah for getting a colonoscopy. there are men who would be too chicken shit to go and get one.

[kate]

I remember this one great "air" moment of my own. It was right after I delivered my daughter and they make you use the bathroom before releasing you to recovery. As soon as I sat upon the throne, I uncontrollably let one rip. But, the glee and pride from the nurse was the best part: "That's wonderful, honey! That means everything's working fine!"

But, holy cow - isn't it hard to see your husband in a hospital bed like that? My husband was rushed to the hospital - via ambulance - last spring because of some severe tachycardia and blood pressure issues. Seeing him hauled away, then laid out in a hospital bed, all wired up in the cardiac unit (while pregnant, BTW) was an emotional trainwreck. Scary.

(He's OK now - still not sure what was wrong, and he's thrilled to be on BP meds at 30. :-P)

[Mary]

Hope you're doing well and being well cared for after your surgery.

[Susan]

As unpleasant as the screening may be, it is well worth it. My father had never this test until age 77--when they found he had colon cancer. He endured 4 months of chemo and complete removal of his colon (yep, he now has a colostomy bag) and thankfully, is now cancer free. But if he had just had that test a few years earlier, all of that might have been avoided. Needless to say, my sister and I immediately had screenings and each of us had a small polyp which was removed. Good for Logan for having this test BEFORE age 50, which is the age the recommend you have a baseline test.

[pharmgirl]

Versed is a wonderful thing.

I think everyone should have a case in the fridge for those special times they have to live through but want to forget.

[Bonnie]

This cracked me up! Its so funny in a not so funny way...

[Karen]

I had my first colonoscopy this year at age 45 because of family history...and a Junior Polyp was found and I'm on the 2-3 year follow-up schedule. When I read about 20ish, 30ish, 40ish people being diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and passing away at such young ages, it makes me realize I'm lucky to have a doctor who told me how agressive inherited colorectal cancer can be. The prep is the worst part. Make sure your hubby goes back! xoxo

[Cheryl]

Yay for Logan! And lucky for him he didn't get his colonoscopy done by the GI known to the nurses at Beaumont as "Dr. Hot". I did, and it was really embarrassing to have to hear him say, "everything back here looks really great!" and think to myself hey, that's the first time a really hot guy has said my ass looks great...

Unless Logan did get Dr. L...