"I told myself I wasn't going to do this...."

It's kind of funny how uncomfortable being really bummed out about something makes people.

Especially the eternally optimistic people.

I've tried to keep a brave face on during this move. I've tried to remember that there are starving children in Africa. And daily air strikes in the Gaza Strip.

Moving across town to a smaller house in a neighborhood that is not this neighborhood where we like everyone (except that one house) and fit in better than we ever have....it's just not the end of the world.

The end of the world is....well a meteor crashing into the earth. Or a SOCIALIST becoming president. Or having spaghetti with SAUCE on it if you ask Maddie.

The thing that's making it hard for me to wallow in this right now is the fact that I know this isn't all that terrible. I know that in 5 years I'll look back at this move and everything we're giving up and I'll have perspective on it. I'm at least mature enough to know that.

But I'm starting to accept that I don't do this stuff without totally losing my mind. I have to cry and rend my garments and perhaps get the vapors. I am NOT GOOD AT THIS SHIT.

I do not want to leave this neighborhood.

I know we have to for a variety of reasons I'm not going to share with the internet. But I know it's the right decision to make.

And I hate every stupid minute of this.

Last week when I said I was crying about it when I thought about moving? I had no idea that the tears were going to get worse. Now, 5 days before our target move out date, I am sobbing (But only after 10pm when the kids can't hear) in that really ugly way. The crying that would show up on YouTube tagged, "Ugly Crying".

Here's the thing. I don't know anyone who's ever been talked out of being really bummed out about something by being told, "Hey! It's not that bad!" or "Hey! It could be worse...you could be dead!"

Sometimes it just takes time. Sometimes there's nothing you can say that will make it better.

Sometimes it's just really pretty unpleasant. It's not the end of the world. No one's dying (and even if they were, it could always be worse).

I don't want to leave this neighborhood. When I talked about moving here, people asked me if I was being a little silly about how great I thought it would be here. "Maybe you'll be disappointed." "Maybe you'll just never be happy."

I have never once been disappointed with this neighborhood. It has been every stereotypical wet dream of the suburban dweller. It's been the kind of neighborhood friends from big cities come to and said, "Man, we need to live in the suburbs."

I could live in a shack (with a thoughtfully laid out floor plan) on this block of land and be just as happy.

Unfortunately, I can't level this house and be rid of the landlord who owns this particular property he seems hell-bent on driving in to the ground.

So we need to move. I know this is the right thing to do and we're lucky we can do this.

But if you like "inspiring" tales of "doing what's right!" Or "rising above challenges"...I'm going to suggest you close this window right now and don't come back for at least three months because I'm about to become insufferable.

Seriously.

Comments

[Pixie]

<> It's stress & grief all rolled up into one big ball of AAARRGGHHHH *sob* You go ahead & let it out.

[bokker]

Oh, stuff the "it could be worse" brigade. By their logic, the only time you could legitimately be upset would be if every single person or thing you ever loved was destroyed. Or if a socialist became President. Obviously.

Competetive woe is nonsense. Cry if you need to.

[D.]

I really hate it when people say "it could be worse". Sometimes it is just ok to wallow in it. It's ok to feel bad/sad/pissed off about ____.

[Bobbie]

How about giving yourself three months to be miserable, but starting May 1st you have to try to pull yourself out of it and find a few nice things to say about your move? (We're saving money, we've set a long-term goal that we're on our way to meeting, the kids have survived, WE have survived, etc.) Get yourself through the rest of this disgusting winter as best you can.

And I'm guessing that your current wonderful neighbors will still invite you to parties, and will come to any parties you throw in your new house?

[Jen]

De-lurking to say - it does f*cking suck. You have found a neighbourhood you love and that fits both you and your family. The new place may be great, but it's not this place. It is painful and difficult, cry and vent as much as you need to!

[The Casual Perfectionist]

Wow. All I can say is that really sucks, and I'm sorry that it sucks so much. :(

[Clio]

I've been reading for a while, and I know what this neghborhood has meant to you. And maybe this next neighborhood won't be as great *until you get there*.

[Leeann]

4.5 years ago we moved from our place in Arlington, MA to CT. I cried for several weeks beforehand and for several weeks after. Before Arlington we lived in NYC, and every trip back would send me into a deep (also: drunken) depression that involved sobbing inconsolably every time we left city limits. Moving totally blows. I think it's more stressful and upsetting than lots of other things that most people find devastating. Like death. I feel your pain, and can only say that now I am pretty darn happy and hope that you will be in good time, too.

[tina]

I understand. We are getting ready to move to another part of town... a much smaller home. Leaving the home that we thought we would live in past when the kids left and went to college.. our "dream" home. But what we found is that our "dream" can change. We are happy about the decision but it was also partly out of our control because of the economy. But I mostly likely will be just like you in a month or so when the move date get's closer. It's hard..

[leenie]

i fully support the full on freak out crying. i usually give myself six months to be as upset and sad and miserable and drunk and crazy as i want. every time, the date i've set as my 'pull it together or else' date passes without my noticing, as i've already fall in love with the new situation.

i'm in the middle of moving too, and i WANT to move, and it still has me crazy spinning and sad.

i've told myself i have til the end of june. hoping we're both happier by then.

[Heather]

Dude, I couldn't even hack moving a few streets over in my tiny town because it would mess up my routines. When it sucks, it sucks and the stupidest thing to do is pretend that it doesn't. You'll live. You'll move on. If you get to PDX in a few years and never have to remember the sucky parts. That'll be awesome. But for now, yeah, wouldn't trade places with you if you paid me. I don't say that to mock, but because I 'know' and I'm finally done moving after something like 8x in the last 13 years.

[heidi]

Hoping you get to the good place (in your mind) soon. May the icky times fly by.

[wn]

one of the greatest things I have learnt from my husband is when to shut the fuck up about this type of situation...I used to be one of those pious shitheads who would spout crap like "whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!"

I was insufferable...

I know have learnt that sometimes when things are shitty....it's ok to just be pissed (or sad) about it...and just work through it.

Sorry you have to move.

[AmyinMotown]

I'm sorry -- I moved a lot as a kid so every move, even good ones, has involved me having at least one "bursting into hysterical tears" moment. And screw the "It could be worse" people. because you know what? yeah, it could be -- and that doesn't make what you're going through now any less diffcult.

[hollygee]

The only way is to go forward as planned and put all your hopes and prayers on this move being right in all the ways you can't know now.

We will all join you in those wishes.

[Amy@UWM]

I'm so sorry. And I totally know how you feel. I've got some problems that are significant for me, are completely bumming me out (and by bumming me out, I'm talking bordering on depression) too, but they're not of the "We're on the verge of losing everything we have and we don't know how we're going to make ends meet" ilk that makes you feel guilty and stupid on top of being really bummed. Maybe your new neighborhood will be just as lovely. Maybe you'll be back someday. Maybe I'll just shut up now and say I hope you feel better soon.

[AnEmily]

Aw, I wish I could fly out there and help you move.

[kbreints]

Yeah. Life sucks and then you die.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

lol

[Joel]

About to?

Seriously though, when you're ready to look in Chicagoland, send me a line and I'll give you my opinion as a married 35yr old with two kids. Yes, I know you already know people here, but more opinions are better.

In the immortal words of Uncle Buck, "Buck up Little Camper."

[Josephine]

The physical and mental stress of any move is enough to bring down a person's mood.

When something sucks, I think it's important to say it out loud and have others admit that it sucks.

It sucks. You're doing your best, you'll get through it, but it still sucks.

Good luck with your move.

[Sus]

When I was in Kindergarten we moved from Ohio to Michigan and I still have not forgiven my parents. For years after we moved, if my Dad had a bad day at work, I'd say, "Too bad. That wouldn't have happened if we'd stayed in Ohio." Moving sucks, I don't care how much better the situation is going to be.

[Michelle]

You know, I'm usually the annoying "It's not that bad" person. But then I got laid off. And one of my friends (god bless her) refused to acknowledge the suckitude of the pink slip, instead launching right into "It'll be OK."

Of course it'll be OK! I'm an optimist; I know and believe that. But still, it sucks RIGHT NOW. You have to acknowledge that before moving on.

[Lisa V]

We moved out of our favorite neighborhood five years ago. I sobbed the day we walked though our current house. I knew it was too good to pass up and we'd have to make an offer and move. I acted like an ass someone congratulated me on our new great house, and said stuff like "yeah, if we could move it 6 miles east."

I've learned to love the house, but still not the neighborhood. It's been 5 years. I dropped off my kid at a playdate in the old neighborhood today and felt physical pangs as walked through this cool little house that seemed to scream "home" to me much more than the one I'm in. It was all I could do not to ask the mom if they were interested in selling.

We still trick or treat in that neighborhood. My kids ask to go for walks over there.

As soon as our two older kids are in college (3 years) we are moving back to that neighborhood because we won't need as large of house as we do now.

My point? I don't expect you to get over it in 3 months or 6 months or a year. We've made peace with leaving, but we still grieve what we lost, 5 years later.

We had to move, it sounds like you do, too. Having to move and wanting to move are different things.

[A]

Well, I think it sucks. It really sucks.

I don't have any good, warm-hearted advice to share.

And I'll probably be joining you on the crying binge if we lose our house and the $90K down payment, since my husband refuses to see that we need to sell our house and move somewhere cheaper.

This economy sucks the big one.

Maybe we'll win the lottery...

[Jessica]

I heartily recommend xanax for these times. It worked for me when I was moving across the country.

[ella]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with the move. I'm not going to say "time heals" or some other cliche line.
I say let it out and have your cry or 10.
Sometimes you just gotta.

I sobbed (privately for a month) because I had to cancel my yoga membership. Now that's something stupid to cry over right?

Anyways, I still cry about it but not as much. Then I remember the time this lady kept farting in class then I laugh. I'm just glad it wasn't me farting.

[Sail Boffin]

Didn't you vote for the socialist who is about to become president?

[melissaS]

sarcasm.

[Cary]

since when are we not allowed to feel negative emotions? everyone's allowed to wallow. Big Change (or the prospect of, even) sends me into a fit of anxiety just about every damn time

[dina]

hugs.....we won't leave you.....good luck

I got it with this post. I don't know why I couldn't relate before, but when you described ugly crying. I went - oh yeah - me many, many times when I found out we had to move from our pretty great and secure life overseas back to California. Boy, oh boy, oh boy was that a tough move. I gave myself six months to adjust. I just realized it has been 5 months and I still don't feel quite right. But, perhaps a local move will go easier. Give yourself time and hang in there.

[Becky]

I feel you. We've been in Dallas for over 2 years now, and I still daydream about moving back to Houston. Nevermind that we have a nice house in a great neighborhood and (mostly) awesome neighbors. And that HERE is where my husband has a great job.

I want to move back.

The good news is that I don't cry about it anymore. I no longer consider leaving my husband so I can move back. I want to be there, but I'm ok with here.

[melissaS]

that's probably as good as it will get for me.

I'll be okay with being there but I'll always wish things worked out differently.

[amy]

So sorry. That is all :(

[b.]

Perpetually perky people do not understand me, and I do not understand perpetually perky people. But I do understand you, and I know there's no such thing as "perspective" when you're in the middle of something, and I know the only way to get through the slog is one effing step at a time. Here's my (unfortunately only virtual) box of tissues for you, and a glass of water so that the tears don't cause you to get dehydrated. I hate that you have to leave that neighborhood and that house. It sucks, it's completely unfair, and there's no way to make that look pretty or even any less awful.

[kris]

it could be worse...well it could be a f**k of a lot better too! i hate it when people expect you to be grateful you aren't dying or some such shit. some things just suck and that is that. hope it gets better for you. neighborhoods are so important.

[Maureen]

I don't know if I'm "delurking" because I can't remember if I've ever posted on your site, but I do read it often. I remember how much you wanted to move to your neighborhood and how awesome it has been. So, I'm really sorry that it hasn't lasted as long as it should. I won't post the "look at the bigger picture" comment, because you already know that. So, grieve. But remember, you've made friends and hopefully they will survive the move. I have a brother who lives in a neighborhood that is his ideal. All the kids know each other and play together. There are gatherings all the time. If he were offered $1million for his house, he wouldn't' move because of his neighbors. But some neighbors have had to leave for various reasons. But you know what, they are still around. They still attend many of the gatherings and their kids still play with the neighborhood kids. They haven't been shunned, they just live across town.
Moving sucks. But I hope that once you are settled in at your new pad, you'll remember that you can take your neighborhood with you.

[p/f]

I hate to be annoyingly cheerful, but I hope I can raise your spirits at least a little by mentioning that in twelve hours, Barack Obama is going to be the President of the United States of America.

[Melissa (another one)]

Moving sucks. Even happy moves are stressful, and suck. Leaving a Dream Neighborhood? Gah!

Whatever you need to do to get through each hour, do it. It'll suck less someday.

I freak out moving furniture around. Actually changing locations requires buckets of bourbon and boxes of tissue (as well as snotty sleeves).

Good luck. I hope sharing your pain helps.

[Asha Dornfest]

You've earned "insufferable." Sometimes stamping your feet is all you can do. Best of luck thru this hard time.

[Marcy]

Melissa..
Not to sound creepy.. but I too am sad you are leaving Michigan...
I sometimes end up over on your end of town, and have thought while at "Your" Trader Joe's ... "Wouldn't it be great to run into Melissa?"...
Man That did sound creepy..
I wish you guys all the happiness in the world in your new place.
I am sorry I didn't run into you while we were still in the same state.
Really Best Wishes!!

[Katie]

I agree, it sucks. I think you are very much allowed to feel miserable about it. Besides I'm quite crabby about certain parts of my life right now (but not bloggable ones, grr) so my sympathy may be because misery loves company.

[Lucy]

de-lurking to say I'm sorry it sucks.

The most helpful thing my therapist ever said to me about feeling guilty about being depressed because "it could be so much worse" was along the lines of this:

You have every right to feel that way. What is a catastrophe for you might not be for someone else, even as you're watching wars, famine, etc.

I guess really, she was just giving me some validation, but it helped. I second (or third?) the Xanax suggestion, or, if you prefer more natural remedies, look into Kava Kava root extract, which has worked wonderfully for me.

[carosgram]

I think it may be like getting a divorce you didn't want. Although the relationship may be bad for you, you still love the person and want to be together. And the person is still around, just not with you. It's hard on you and the rest of your family. It hurts in ways indescribable. And no matter how happy you may be in the future you will never forget how much pain it was to go through it, nor regret that it happened. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

Bitching & moaning are ALWAYS productive. Otherwise one day you'll find yourself looking at the blunt of a potato peeler sticking out of your spouses forehead. Suppressing this crap is way less healthy.

That being said, might I suggest you start to invent things to hate about your neighbors? For instance, Sally over at 34728 is running a puppy mill in her basement and you should NEVER EVER eat her sausages....and Kathy over at 43289 watches for old people walking down the street then runs out & beats them with sticks. When you can't make the truth work....make other stuff work.

[babs]

ugh, I can't stand when people try to discount your feelings with trite statements about how it could be worse... as if, you didn't know that. Most of the time, you just want to be heard. You just want someone to nod their head in understanding that the situation sucks, you know? So that's what I'm doing here, in front of my screen. :)

[Sarah]

It seems your own blog would be a good place to wallow in those unhappy feelings. I was moving when you moved last time. And honestly, if we needed to move (And I get that you need to move--this isn't a whim) this year, I would be crying too.

Here's hoping the move sucks as little as possible. Good luck on the journey.

[Alissa]

thanks for the warning. i'll stick it out. because i love you.

[Alice]

It sucks. And a big congratulations to you for getting to a place where you realize that the crying is a part of how you deal with this kind of thing. There's a huge push in most of society to have everything be squared away happily, with only the barest minimum of pain before reaching The Big Life Lesson and Its Ensuing Happy Acceptance.

Yeah. Sometimes shit works like that, often it doesn't. Regardless, feeling bad about the pain as its happening helps no one. It sucks, and though it will suck less in the future, you deserve the space to deal with the suckage now.

[Lar]

Three years ago we left our beloved home in Florida and moved halfway across the country, not by choice but by necessity. Before we left the house for the last time our little family sat on the bare floor to pray together, and we all ended up sobbing. Walking out that door was the hardest thing I have ever done.

It took months to feel better--there were days I couldn't get out of bed for the sadness. One of my friends didn't understand how I could be sad for so long, and said, "It could be so much worse! You could have cancer!" Things could ALWAYS be worse, but that particular circumstance was the worst FOR ME.

One day soon, you WILL feel better. But right now, things are hard for you. Spend as much time crying as you need, and let your kids see it. It might give them permission to grieve, too.

[Sonja]

I remember when my grandmother died, I was devastated. People would ask me how I was doing a few months into my grief, and I would say, "I'm having a really hard time. I miss her so much. There was still so much I wanted to learn from her and so much I wanted to share. I can't believe my children will never know her." And people would look at me like, "What is this out-pouring of emotion? Doesn't she know I don't actually want to hear any of this?" And then they'd brush off what I'd just told them and change the subject. That's when I realized that very, very few people really want to know how you are or have any capacity for responding in a helpful way.

I'm sorry you're going through a similar experience. I hope you are able to find the support you need and deserve.

[Sharon]

Hello. First day here. Your blog is great! I have young children and have made 3 "big" moves as an adult. The last one was the toughest. You are totally allowed to have a "pitty party", just not a good idea to let it last too long. Your kids and their activities will help you meet new folks. Hang in there.

While I'm here, thought I'd share a parenting resource with you. I refer to the Parent Coaching Institute and its Web site www.thepci.org as a valuable resource for our family, with its articles, Parent Appreciation Radio recordings, and parent coach referrals. Wishing you and your family all the best in 2009!
Sincerely,
Sharon

[MomZombie]

I hear you loud and clear.
I go back and forth every day. One day I think: I hate this house, let's just short sell it and get out of Michigan to a magical place with jobs, affordable houses, nice scenery and money trees out back.
Next day I'm thinking: Damn, we put all this work into this house, which now has no equity. I don't want to leave it. If we leave here, what will we get for our money? We'll have to downsize, and we're not livin' large now. It's hard not to be bitter when you've worked hard all your life and everything evaporates in literally two years' time. It's hard to say, hey! I'm not homeless, so let's celebrate. Looks like a lot of us are in the same stew.

[ame i.]

I second the recommendation of Xanax. It sure helped as I spent 2 years watching my husband of 15 years die when my daughters were 3 and 5. I threw in some Celexa for good measure.
This is probably concidered a Hell Yes It Could Be Much Worse comment. So be it, because it sure could be MUCH worse. Trust me on this one. Sadness passes faster than overwhelming grief.

[Christina]

Eh, 'put it in perspective' is so flippin' overrated sometimes. Insufferable is sometimes a required stop on the way to a better place -- and I think it's great that you're ok with that.

For anyone who is not ok with that, I heartily recommend that you perfect the 'whatever' hand gesture from the movie clueless. Giving them the finger works too.

[Janine]

Don't deny your feelings. Swallowing them down is much worse than letting them out. ((Hugs))

[karyn]

I hope that any tears that you shed today were of joy as Obama took office.

The moving away from the perfect neighbourhood tears, though? Yeah, they suck. I still get sad when I think of our best friends having fun without us 2000kms away.

[RespectRx]

I'm shifting house too. Go ahead and "feel" your way through this transition. Besides, I've found, what we resist persists. I think crying is like steam-cleaning our pipes (and soul if you want me to get cheesy). Crying and feeling mean you're not a robot:). Nothing wrong, nothing lacking. I think when you have the range the feel loss, you also have the other end of the spectrum which is to feel tremendous love. And I "hear" your big heart here all the time. So go ahead: Feel this change and all that comes with it. it's real It doesn't mean you suck at this kind of stuff. Maybe it means you actually are living life and not trying to ignore what's here now for you. xoxox

[Heather]

I am glad to know that these things make someone else as crazy as they make me. Tears have been shed into cardboard boxes at my house as well. Please don't buck up.

[Garnigal]

When my boyfriend had to take a job at 60% of his previous salary, we actually had a friend tell us "well, at least you won't starve."

Yes, this will provide solace about the 12 years of shit work he's done to finally get to a place where it was all worth it, only to get laid off. And the company that laid him off is still netting multiple billions of dollars per year! Oh, I feel so good about not going hungry.

[KYouell]

I've only had happy moves as an adult, but I did loathe having to move to a suburb of Dallas as a kid. Even now I'll say that I was forced to habitate there, because I wouldn't call it living.

I've had experience as an adult with the "it could be worse" people when our son was born. At 3 days old they decided he had Down syndrome. Talk about hating to hear "it could be worse" -- bite me, you idiots! I swore then that if I ever gave that Pollyanna advice to someone I should be struck down with a bolt of lightning. And then slapped. And then hit with lightning again. Cuz damn. That and the "God only gives you what you can handle" bit just set me off like tin foil on a filling while scraping nails down a chalkboard. Grrr.

Your process is your process. Do what feels right to you! You know we think you rock no matter what.

[Clair]

As somebody who is grieving and stressed myself right now, I know making the right decisions sucks really hard sometimes, and optimism, though often offered with the best of intentions, can go f**k itself.