Happy New Year 2009.2

Our haphazard move resulted in a lot of things being left behind. And though the things we left behind didn't seem that overwhelming at first, it seemed every day last week we'd go back to grab some more and in our absence our things had multiplied.

Logan was certain we were leaving just one male item behind and it was making everything reproduce. I never thought we'd get everything out of there. In fact we didn't, I forgot our perfect ice cube trays in the freezer and getting those back from The Landlord should be about as easy as extracting our full deposit from his cold, bullying hand.

Now our drinks will be a lot less perfect. Oh Great!

But in the end I got nearly everything out and spent 4 hours on our official move-out date washing the floors from the movers and the painters. I decided as I washed the floors on my hands and knees and tried to think happy thoughts, that when I turned in the keys I would feel better. And when I did finally turn in the keys and drove away I felt genuine happiness.

I ignored the looming anxious feeling I had as I drove past all the houses of the neighbors I've come to love. I pretended none of that part of this mattered. Instead I focused on how good it felt to be out of limbo between the two houses and done doing the work on the old place to get it ready to turn back over him.

(You know things like putting back the bare bulbs he had as light fixtures and removing towel bars from walls, because that's the way he wanted it. For what reason, I have no clue...I assume to "teach us a lesson" and let me tell you! Lesson learned: Some people are really spiteful even when it shoots them in their own foot!)

Since Maddie and I drove away from that old house for the last time I have tried to shift my focus off of giving up the perfect neighborhood I had, with block parties and pancake breakfasts and bike parades.

Hold on a minute. A bike parade? YES! A fucking bike parade!

Instead of focusing on all those wonderful things we're leaving behind I decided to focus on the sublime pleasure of being done with dealing with that person who owns the house in that dream neighborhood. and that has made a huge difference in my mood.

It's also helped being able to focus on putting my things out in this house and arranging furniture and knick knacks without the anxiety of the things, the things that were wildly copulating while we weren't there, we still had to get out of the old place and the things we still needed to do.

On Saturday night Maddie and I walked up to Gayle's to get a hot chocolate, then we walked around the block and went into the bookstore to browse together for a while and finally we went to dinner together. The waiter didn't even bring Maddie a kid's menu, she ordered off the adult menu. Of course she ordered $18 blackened salmon but she also ate it all. So there's the double edge on the food sword.

I think there's a reason we had to do this move. I'm not exactly sure what the reason is yet. I suspect it's the universe's way of making me understand that a house doesn't have a life. You bring a lot of your life in it, but the house itself maybe doesn't matter as much as my heart thinks it does.

I think I'm supposed to be learning about handling disappointment and change. I also think I'm supposed to be helping my kids learn a little about adaptability, a life skill I never quite managed to learn. 

I've moved just five times in 35 years, four if you don't count college. There's of course something to be said for strong roots and raising your family in one spot. Kids who have moved a lot have horror stories of how hard it was for them moving from place to place.

But I think a move across town, within the same school enrollment area is a great place to start showing my kids how to adapt to new situations. So far I've taught them that you deny it's happening, pout about it, sob a lot, and then you make the best of it.

It also helps if you take them to get hot chocolate a few times. (Maybe spike your own serving.)

Comments

[Rebecca]

I am glad its done. I know this was really hard for you. Your new neighbors don't know how lucky they are!

[Sus]

What could one possibly have against towel bars??

[Aimee Olivo]

So how fun is it that you can walk to get hot chocolate then to a bookstore then to dinner? Very fun! :)

[nelking]

You know how they say you shouldn't get all emotionally about a house when you're in the process of buying? It's true. It's family and friends that make a house a home. If you can walk to get ho cho. That's a big bene

It's sucks to learn adult lessons and yes, your kids will thank you for giving them the coping skills even when you're not sure you have 'em. Been there. It's worth it.

Ha

[hollygee]

Congratulations! I hope that you and your family and your lives will be filled with joy and peace.

And fun.

[Cathi]

Sounds like you are thinking much better thoughts about the move. As a new reader,
I am thrilled to see that. I have to say
that my experiences have taught me that
it is just the opposite. Children that
move learn to adapt to change much easier
when they grow up. As I travelled the world,
I met many a happy adult who had moved umpteen times. I believe it's change that
people have such a hard time with. Congratulations on your new home, for a house is just that - the people inside
make it home. Amazing how there is always those important lessons out of the things we
fear.

[Tara]

Congratulations on working your way through this process. Change and the unknown is always stressful. It's great that you are looking for the good in all of it (and no towel bars? I agree - totally weird.)

You might miss the neighbors, but you can always invite them over and thereby, expand your social circle. It could be like a social Venn diagram!

Most importantly, though, living within walking distance of Gayle's?! That in itself makes your new house a dream house!

[Sue]

One of my best friends, a suspiciously friendly and cheerful person, moved 12 times before she was 13. She was the friendliest freaking person I've ever met in my life. Of course that was probably a mix of personality and circumstance, but still.

Of course, when we had to move away from our dream spot to an absolute hell hole (Las Vegas, ugh), I cried and moaned and generally felt as though the world was ending. And in a way it was. Some things it's o.k. to grieve over for a while, I think.

[catherine]

Maybe this is an opportunity for you to learn from your kids. Maybe they'll show you something about adapting that you never knew.

Aside from all that, I am happy for you that you are in the new place and the move is over. If nothing else, this provided excellent fodder for blogging. I notice that the happier you are, the less you blog. While I certainly wish you all the happiness in the world, I do enjoy your blog when it turns angry.

I look forward to hearing about the old landlord when the time comes. Work hard at staying in touch with the people you enjoyed in the old neighborhood. It takes more work to foster those friendships when you are further away, but they sound like they are worth the effort.

[Heather B.]

Correct me if I'm wrong here, but aren't towel bars, like...useful...or something? I mean where else does one put a towel? Is this one of those crazy landlords that likes to keep his wet towels on the floor?

I don't understand. Explain this to me like I'm a five year old.

[d]

Your post reminded me of a great Tragically Hip song called "The Apartment Song," where one of the lines is, "Just what our apartment does/when we're not around/does not concern us."

http://www.metrolyrics.com/apartment-song-lyrics-tragically-hip.html

[delia]

Don't feel bad, we've moved 8 times, across country each time, and our kids are 10 and 7. I think only one of those houses ever felt like a home. I hope we find a home again, I'm sick of houses.

My kids have learned to adapt pretty well. They make friends quickly, unlike their mother who never moved until she was going off to college.

[Hayley]

She ate blackened catfish?!?! Doesn't quite sound like the Maddie you describe! Here's to both of you broadening your horizons!

And I really hope we get to hear you blog about telling that landlord to suck it. I think that would help with closure. Or at least help with SOMETHING. :D

[kateecee]

I feel your pain, I've also moved very little. Lived in the same house until college. My wife always trys to convince me that there are other houses out there I'll love as much. Kudos for teaching the kiddies adaptability.

[soozey]

I guess there's a reason why the house was so nice but unoccupied before--don't you love it when you realize it's not you, it's the other guy who is screwed up! I love the way you write, and hey, it's material--we are looking forward to your posts about the new neighborhood! And more pix of your great decorating!

[darcy]

I'm glad that you are starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I've had to move my kids a lot, I mean a lot, and they are bi-racial, and we recently had to make a move to North Idaho, which incidentally had me sobbing hysterically. 3 years have gone by and 2 houses, and now I no longer dream of moving back to the city and the "diversity". My kids get to know their grandparents now, and they like the 3 seasons... it all works out!!

It will for you too!

[Melissa Summers]

Heather, I know! And when he had the house listed for sale he had it up for 50K to 80K over any other comps in the area.

No light fixtures, cabinet/drawer pulls, no toilet paper holders, no towel bars, no window treatments....

In this market? You'd think he'd jump at the chance to have some of that stuff done at cost without paying for installation (the man is clueless about home ownership)

But I think he wanted us to learn the lesson. The lesson I learned is "The Man Is A Douche Bag."

[Melody]

As a child, I moved 10 times in 10 years. Because I was a kid, I think I operated under the typical assumption that my life was normal, and that it was everyone else's life that was weird. You've lived in one house your entire life? Sucker! I get to have a new bedroom practically every year!

Looking back, I think, wow, that must have sucked. But when I was living it, it just seemed like something to do, like going to school in the morning or to dance class on Saturday. And now? I am incredibly skilled at moving.

[AmyinMotown]

I worked at Gayle's in college and know the hot chocolate well since I used to make it. I can tell you the secret of the plain whipped cream, but not the mocha or the raspberry (my last meal on this earth must include some of that mocha whipped cream). My uncle visited me there and still asks for it when he comes to visit.

[Michelle]

We never moved when I was a kid--in fact, my mom still lives in the house I grew up in. Having recently moved for just the fourth time (not counting all the apartment moves in college), to a city and a situation I don't love but which is necessary for my larger life goals, I wish my parents had taught me how to adapt. Or at least given me the experience, even if they were struggling with it themselves.

[Summer]

Just bite the bullet and buy more perfect ice cube trays. I'm sure that soon enough you'll meet new awesome neighbors, and you'll be able to impress them with your high-class ice when you invite them in for a cocktail.

When we moved this past summer, I left inadvertently left behind lots of things, most notably my vacuum cleaner. MY DYSON. And our move was almost 1,000 miles. Oops. My husband wound up bringing my Dyson back as carry-on luggage after a business trip back to DC.

He still gives me shit about it. I hope Logan doesn't give you too much grief about the ice.

[Melissa Summers]

I am CHEAP.

$15! $15 in ice cube trays. Maybe as a father's day gift.

[Sarah]

Well, I'm 35 this year, and have moved once. Yes, once. I moved out at 14 to a cousins house when my mother died and left me an orphan with a nice house to rent out. And back into it when I turned 18. I am bringing my kids up in the house I grew up in and they are going to the same school I went to. But there is nowhere else I want to be and the suburb is awesome. So if we ever have to move, it's going to be hell for everyone involved! No adaptability here!

[Kimberly]

It sounds like you have some cool socializing ideas from your old neighborhood to use in your new neighborhood. I have moved myself across the country several times; across town once. Its an opportunity to remake yourself if you want to: shed some old behaviors or attitudes that you don't like (as it sounds like you are doing) and show the new folks in your environment a shiny new you.

Don't stress over the ice cube trays. The next renters will need to feel like they found a treat, before the other shoe drops and they're pulling off their own towel bars. Ice cube trays, even expensive ones, are a cheap price to pay for your new awareness.

I once lived in a place that infested all my books with silverfish. It was a, new, modern place, and I loved living there. Until I realized it was actually eating my prized possessions. I had to have everything fumigated to within an inch of its life.

Ack.

[beyond]

i think children who move a few times growing up transform into happy adults who adapt easily and are not scared of change. my childhood was riddled with moves, mostly to different countries where different languages were spoken (not across town or across the state). i am not saying it was always easy, but i am grateful for my range of experience, curiosity and openness, i think those moves have something to do with that.
bare lights and no towel bars. sounds like the landlord is trying really hard to show the house's beauty to potential renters... cannot wait to hear the whole landlord story.

[Suzanne]

Moving is very stressful and we all resist change... but this sounds like it was more than ready to happen, even in all your denial. You will soon realize how good it is, when you don't have the stress of a landlord like the "douche bag" making your life miserable over not fixing leaking basements! (oh... that one makes me angry! Black mold!!!!)

I've lost count how many times I've moved in my life. I think I've moved 5 times in the last 8 years!

Soon, you will know your new neighbors, and hopefully they will be as stellar as the old ones are... and you can still go and visit the old ones. I'm sure they will allow you to come and visit as much as you want!
~Suzanne @
http://sugarloafcottage.blogspot.com

[Krissa]

I don't know if it helps, but I moved nine times in the first 18 years of my life and while parts of that were hard, I'm grateful for two things. Firstly, my parents worked incredibly hard (as it sounds like you're doing - how AWESOME to go out to an adult dinner with your mom!) to be positive about each move and positive about the new place we were going, even when privately they had reservations, and privately they always had a LOT of reservations because it was always somewhere else in Africa.

And secondly, I'm VERY grateful for my adaptability. Look, I'm not going to lie, when I got out of college I told myself I was settling down in New York City and Never. Leaving. Ever., but I know that if that doesn't work out that way, I have all the skills I need to move and find the adventure and the awesomeness in anywhere I go.

I will throw something out there for Maddie, though: my parents always made sure I had a dog as a companion for all these moves. You're welcome, Maddie.

[Krissa]

I don't know if it helps, but I moved nine times in the first 18 years of my life and while parts of that were hard, I'm grateful for two things. Firstly, my parents worked incredibly hard (as it sounds like you're doing - how AWESOME to go out to an adult dinner with your mom!) to be positive about each move and positive about the new place we were going, even when privately they had reservations, and privately they always had a LOT of reservations because it was always somewhere else in Africa.

And secondly, I'm VERY grateful for my adaptability. Look, I'm not going to lie, when I got out of college I told myself I was settling down in New York City and Never. Leaving. Ever., but I know that if that doesn't work out that way, I have all the skills I need to move and find the adventure and the awesomeness in anywhere I go.

I will throw something out there for Maddie, though: my parents always made sure I had a dog as a companion for all these moves. You're welcome, Maddie.

[tory]

Hey there from Kalamazoo. A friend who told me about sweet juniper also told me about your blog and now I have one of my own..michigander parenting-inspired blogs need to stick together. I know something about attachment to houses...we have put so much work into our 1923 house that we may have to sell for a quarter if we end up moving this summer. I'm trying not to get too worked up about it. Oh and as a therapist, we teach a specific skill called "adaptive denial"...sounds like you know all about it.
best,
Tory

[Jerri Ann]

I moved 13 times in 4 years one time and that was when I was 30, not 20 and in college. I had no children though and omg I thought I was a dying froth because holy freakin cow, who moves that much?

One of the moves I was part of was when a then husband would forget to come home from work on Friday's and would miraculously show up late on Sunday night. No money in his wallet to show for the prior weeks work but an empty pocket to show for a weekend of crack. After about 4 months of that happening once every now and again to it becoming a twice monthly habit, I prepared myself.

I started stockpiling boxes and hiding them. Then, when he didn't come in one Friday afternoon, I packed the entire house in about 10 hours, loaded it all on a uhaul by myself, pulleys and levers who knew I learned anything in high school physics. I loaded large furniture like sofa's and washers and dryers and I did it all alone.

On Sunday morning, I pulled out of that house in Atlanta and never looked back. I had packed so meticulously that I could go to the garage at my mom's and retrieve specific items from specific boxes (that weren't even labeled) because I knew that I would need things from those boxes before I found another place to live.

I once retrieved a key, a lose key, one lone key to a fire proof lockbox that was resting in a box, in a drawer of a little cubby in a old key magnet thing. It took me about an hour to get to the box and about 10 seconds to get to the key...no kidding.....packing in an organized manner is the key to success....even if you have to do it alone.......

Now, go forth and enjoy your new neighborhood because darn it, I lived with my things in my mom's garage for about 4 years after that.