Cats are assholes.

Logan's going to seriously contemplate divorcing me for devoting two posts in one week to a cat. His divorce papers will read, "My partner wrote an entire post describing our cat's habits and idiosyncrasies. I can't abide by this. Also she always dried my jeans all the way."

But it's the weekend, so whatever.

I know there are pet fountains you can get for your cat, because a lot of cats like moving, fresh water. But there's this part of me that's thinking, "You fucking princess, just drink the water from the bowl and stop being difficult."

The bowl we have weighs over 5 pounds. It's heavy, ceramic and about as big as my head.

We tried putting the bowl on a mat, he grabs the top edge and pulls it so hard it flips over, which probably makes him more happy than just dragging it on the concrete and making my teeth grind in annoyance does.

In the past, when we had a lighter bowl we used that grippy shelf liner stuff and he caught it with his nail and yanked it so that the bowls flipped over. He also punched me in the stomach that time.

I may try the grippy liner again because the bowl is so heavy now. Maybe we'll build a stand for the cat's dishes. Maybe we'll start using the kitchen sink as the bathroom sink so Gary can have full access to his sink napping habit. And maybe we'll just sleep on the sofa and give our bedroom to Gary, The Princess.

Gary's weight. I know, it's crazy. He'd like you to know that he's big boned. His paws really are huge.

My sister in law suggested I try just feeding them all day, keeping the kibble flowing and see if he ever got to his natural weight. As though, maybe he was so afraid the food would run out, he was eating it as fast as he could.

Didn't work.

We tried light food. Nope.

The vet suggested Mature food, because it's lighter than regular food. And we've seen no change in Gary's girth.

We feed him Science Diet because cheaper brands make him smell like...death. There's enough gas passing in this house, we don't need the cat added to the chorus.

He gets 1/4 cup of food twice a day. He also eats some of the other cat's food because she's such a baby and doesn't push her way toward the bowl.

At this point Gary is going to live out his days walking from the kitchen to the living room, laying down and taking a "breather" then making the rest of the journey up the stairs, with a brief stop on the landing.

He's going to sleep on Maddie's head, and push her out of the bed and he's more than likely going to force me to buy him his very own motion activated drinking fountain.

In the shape of a fish with a mermaid (holding a bowl of food) rising out of the back.

Either that or he's finally going to figure out how to get that heavy water bowl up the stairs and in the night he's doing to drop it on my head, killing me instantly. Over my lifeless body he'll whisper in my ear, "That's for the chicken hat."

Cats are assholes

Comments

[Jan Ross]

Uh. Did you know your blog looks kind of weird today?

[nelking]

Here's another one for you. Have you had Gary's Thyroid checked? After two years of the vets office questioning our ability to feed our dog properly, they finally got around to testing his thyroid because he was "anemic".

118 pounds down to 85.

Then again, Gary looks good on the chunky side.

[Joy]

I think I have the scrawny version of Gary. My cat Krispy, cuz she's all black of course, is as skinny as Gary is fat. Perfectly healthy cat, but when she decides to sit on you with her bony butt its almost worse than claws.

And yes, cats are assholes. That's why they like to show theirs to you when your eating dinner.

[Abigail]

I love this post.

[Lisa]

Because we have 4 cats, they have constant access to dry food via a dispenser. My favorite, Buster, will come and find me to "shake the dish" before he will eat (even if the dish is full!) He has me very well-trained!!
He also goes outside, and rather than just come back to the door, he climbs up on the roof and waits until someone goes upstairs and let's him in our bathroom window.
This is Buster http://is.gd/okoK

[MG]

I love Gary because his name is Gary, also because he is big and my kitty was big. Big ones are the best. My vet always told me that my cat needed to lose weight and nothing ever worked. I prefer fat and happy cats to svelte and sad ones, so I just let him be!

[Lisa]

Sorry! The link didn't work! I hate that!

[kristy]

My cat's an asshole too. I've enjoyed reading about yours, because it makes mine seem a bit less of an asshole. Thank you for that.

[pagalina]

I had an immensely fat black cat named Sancho. no matter what I did food-wise he was still fat as well. When i first got him, he'd jump on the kitchen counter and eat into a loaf of bread. He ended up developing diabetes. Nothing like a pain-in-the-ass cat that starts peeing on everything and then requires you give him shots twice a day. Can you put a plastic bowl of water in the bathtub/shower? then it won't matter if he dumps it over. damn cats.

[Heather]

Our pissycat leaves her regular water dish alone, but forget leaving a glass of anything around. She'll stick her paw in to splash, tip it over and walk away. My kids will be drinking out of sippy cups til they're twelve or the cat kicks it, whichever comes first.

[Bether]

We are caring for two giant cats right now -- their owners, good friends, have been traveling for the last nine months, so we've had the cats. They're both just really big. They've been eating grain-free food (specifically Orijen; it's good stuff) since we started caring for them, and while they've both lost the flab that was hanging around, they're still huge.

And, yeah, one of them is a total asshole. He pees on anything soft left lying around -- blankets or pillows or clothes left on the floor. When he's mad, he pees in the furnace vents. He has always done this, say his owners. He's also the one who beats the crap out of the dog. (The other cat is just crazy, not an asshole.)

[beyond]

too funny! gary carries his weight well.

[Amy]

I just wrote about my cat trying to get some, so hey, you've got at least one person crazier than you. But Gary is adorable and just buy him the damn fountain already. He deserves it.

[Lori]

I love this post. Cats are assholes. :)

[katy]

I have a big black cat named Hector - he could be Gary's twin. At his heaviest he was 26 pounds. He also moves his water dish around. More so before the diabetes and hyperthyroid diagnoses. He is now a healthy 18 pounds and was able to kick the diabetes. He still takes his thyroid pills twice a day and is hungry all the time but he seems much happier.

[alli]

Gary is round and beautiful! My Bucca is "big boned" too and he is such a happy, lovey-dovey cat as I am sure Gary is (at times...right?)

[alli]

P.S. LOVE the chicken hat!!

[Jen]

I dunno, that sink shot is awfully damn handsome.

Maybe the grippy stuff cut to the shape of the bowl so he can't get his claws in it?

[mythoughtsonthat]

That? Was hilarious!!

[dee]

OMG, we have a sink napper too, but realy, I need to have one of those CHICKEN HATS, for our bathtub licking cat...DO TELL! Just picture it...Funnist Home Videos -HERE WE COME!

[Lisa]

I knew someone with a giant cat & they were told to put golf balls in his food dish with the kibble. Makes them work for the food - by pushing the balls around the dish to get at the food - and somehow it did help him slim down.

[Karen]

Too funny! Maybe you should get a dog!

[stacy]

totally worth the divorce papers :P this post was HILARIOUS!

[Amber]

This was hilarious.

I showed this to my husband because I have called our cat an asshole and he's all, "You can't call cats assholes."

Um. I certainly CAN. And you helped prove it.

My cat enjoys scratching up my new furniture. And he does it when he knows I'm watching. He'll give me a knowing haha-gonna-scratch-up-your-sh*t look and then there he goes, turning my couch into his scratching post.

And I'm sorry, but that is definately asshole-like behavior.

[jbeeky]

Dude, water flipping may be the only physical activity her gets.

[Gigi]

Our big black cat once activated the toaster in the middle of the night, which melted the nearby plastic bread bag, which set off the smoke detector. We woke up in a blind panic thinking that our house was on fire. Asshole.

[Barb]

I love this post. So I don't care if Logan divorces you over it. :-)

So how much does Gary weigh? He doesn't look that big to me, but maybe that's because I have large cats, too. Maybe that's just his fur making him look "heavy".

I have an annoying cat as well. His name is Oliver. His bad habits are different than Gary's, but still annoying nonetheless. Pulling out fur in clumps so they're everywhere around the house and throwing up his Science Diet are two of his most annoying habits. (The latter does help keep his weight under control, though.) Oh, and I have to add this one: crying every two seconds for FRESH food. None of this stale shit, please. Not good enough for him. He's 13 years old...and I think he might outlive me.

[leslie]

I laughed so hard, I peed a little! The best part is that my husband's name is Gary!

[kare]

I never - ever post - but this was seriously hilarious!

[Mary]

I personally have called my two cats 1) a brat (i love her) & 2) an asshole (i hate her & she pees on the couches!!!) what do you do with cats who pee on furniture?? Melissa I know you like to entertain & I'm guessing Gary doesn't do this but I don't know what to do when we're having a party & cat piss is in the air...ugh that's so gross even typed! WHAT CAN ONE DO??!

[MelissaS]

I'm not nice enough to keep a cat that pees on furniture. I'd have it checked for ailments. Then, it would be up for adoption. I will not have my house smell like pee.

[Wendy Mac]

This was a hysterical post! Loved it. My cat was 26 pounds (yes, 26 pounds!) and one day got outside and got in the neighbor's yard, but couldn't make it back over the fence because of his weight. By the time we found him a week later, he was still in the neighbor's yard- and didn't lose a single pound.

*sigh*

[Trish T.]

Our cat was also a fatty. We also tried everything to cut down his fatness. The only thing that worked is getting a kitten from hell who has run him so much that he is now 2 lbs lighter. Of course, we bipeds still have to contend with the hell kitten...

[Paige]

This one made me laugh REALLY HARD. Like I almost woke the baby up kind of laughing.

[kingsmom]

I can't stop laughing. Thanks, I needed that.

[Chris]

Seriously. What is the deal with the cat in the sink? Ours does the same thing. It's weird.

[Elizabeth]

My cat loves loves loves dragging his water dish around the room. He finds it impossible to take a single sip unless a sufficient amount of water has splashed over the floor. He also refuses to just duck his head and drink like a normal animal; water apparently is much more refreshing sampled from his paw.

Or directly from the toilet.

That chicken hat totally cracked me up and made me spit out my own sip of water. I'm sure you've seen it but http://www.stuffonmycat.com is pretty fantastic. I wish I'd thought of taking pictures of all the ways we've tortured our little asshole.

[the Mayor]

My dog is an asshole too. Mostly when my husband is not traveling because he indulges him. We also had an African Grey parrot and he was an asshole too. A mean asshole. So while my husband was away on a trip I sold him, to my cousin's husband. $500. When I ask my cousin how Buzz is doing, she just says, "that mother f%%#ing bird"!

[the Mayor]

Our dog is an asshole, especially when my husband is not traveling (he indulges him). We had an African Grey parrot. He was a mean asshole, bit my daughter on the nose. When my husband went on a trip I sold the bird to my cousin's husband for $500.
I recently asked her how Buzz was doing. She snarled at me, "that f***ing bird".

[Arget]

My cat wouldn't even drink from a waterbowl! Instead, she'd get really thirsty and drink from unnatended water glasses or fripping faucets. Once I even found her curled up in the toilet bowl! So, she started drinking from the bathtub faucet (she'd follow us in there and we'd turn it on for her while we did our stuff). A couple of years later, I started keeping a waterbowl between the tub and the toilet. Every time I went in there, the water was freshened, and every time she climbed into the bathtub, she was placed by the bowl. Now she's completely waterbowl trained... though we still haven't figured out how to get the thing out of the bathroom.

[Arget]

My cat wouldn't even drink from a waterbowl! Instead, she'd get really thirsty and drink from unnatended water glasses or fripping faucets. Once I even found her curled up in the toilet bowl! So, she started drinking from the bathtub faucet (she'd follow us in there and we'd turn it on for her while we did our stuff). A couple of years later, I started keeping a waterbowl between the tub and the toilet. Every time I went in there, the water was freshened, and every time she climbed into the bathtub, she was placed by the bowl. Now she's completely waterbowl trained... though we still haven't figured out how to get the thing out of the bathroom.

[Jean]

I so want a cat!