Sex Ed, With Mimes!

I've always made it a goal to not have "funny" words for our sexual organs. I called a penis a penis, and a vagina a vagina and I realize we're really talking about the labia, I simplified.

I thought if I did this from the time my kid's were little they'd never think those words were "weird" or "gross" or "silly".

Of course, when Maddie was 2 we brought Max home from the hospital and gave him a bath. She noticed his penis and asked "What's that?"

I told her, "That's Max's penis, boys have them." (See, nonchalant! My face didn't turn red or anything. Parenting A!)

She said, "Oh, a peanut. Max has a peanut."

"No, it's a penis."

"I SAID IT'S A PEANUT! It's a peanut right mommy?"

Okay.....

Even vagina was changed into acceptable speak for Maddie, as an 18 month old I'd narrate how we were getting her whole body clean in the bath and we'd wash her hair and her face and her belly and her hands and her bottom and her vagina....."Mommy that's my mygina"

"It's actually called a Va-gina."

"I SAID IT'S MYGINA! It's mygina right mommy?"

Okay....

Mostly I just wanted the kids to know that their bodies are theirs and no one is allowed to touch them or make them feel bad in any way. So if that means renaming parts of their body to make them okay, then fine! You can can have linguistic control over your anatomy as well. Girl Power!

Still now I have a 10.5 year old daughter and it's kind of time for "The Talk", in even it's most vague forms because I always thought we'd have an open dialogue about these things. That Maddie wouldn't be at school in 8th grade where a boy asks, 'Do you know what a blow job is?" and she says, "I don't know, something with fixing fans? Or, oh I know! Glass blowing." (Not that I know anything about that.)

The problem is if you say certain words in front of Maddie she dies, comes back to life and dies again:

Here is a partial list.

Bra
Kiss
Pregnant
Love
Vagina
Hug
Tampon
Naked
Sex
Period (even out of context)
Penis
Breasts
Married
Pad
Boyfriend
Sperm (triple death!)

Now, it's not hard to see where this comes from. I still will not get undressed in front of even my very best girlfriends. It took dating 4 years before I could buy a box of tampons while Logan was with me, you know LOOKING RIGHT AT THE BOX!. I forced my mother to buy a training bra for me and made her specifically tell the clerk it was for herself. NOT ME.

If you say panties in front of me, I swallow my tongue and die. (Go here and listen to the word...I've been trying to break myself of my hatred by listening but it's only steeled me.)

Having "The Talk", in its various forms, with your tween daughter is difficult without using any of these words that kill my daughter.

It goes something like this, "When women get to be around 12 or 13 their body starts changing and they may start to notice they're getting breasts...." "AHHHHH! Mother!!!!!"
"I mean, no they won't.....they you know....change a little in the chest region and you know maybe then it's time to get a bra...." "OH MY GOD! MOTHER!!!!!"

"Oh...I mean....then they get a special piece of underwear-ish thingie...."

At this point if Logan and I hug in front of the poor thing, we may as well be naked and going at it in the kitchen. It's all the same. I have a mygina, he has a peanut, we're married.....she knows what's going to happen now.

I think we'll just stick with books, sign language, and maybe pantomime....in shadow.

Comments

[Lisame]

Well, at least she won't be a teenage mom. That girl isn't going to let anyone touch her.

I would like to recommend a book I got my niece when she was eleven. I think it is titled "All About Girls." Very simple and very informative. Let Maddie read in privacy of her own room. Afterall, I tell my niece "our bodies belong to US and no one else."

[Mrs. M]

I loved this post. Made me laugh out loud. I have two daughters and I can sure relate to this. As I type this, my twelve year old and I are on the same cycle this very week. Fun times!

[Assertagirl]

When I was about nine years old my mom read me a book called "Where Did I Come From?" It was a good book, funny illustrations, and then it was like the BOOK was saying all those words, not my mom. I wish I had a copy of it now, I'm sure it'd be hilariously funny.

[Why Mom Drinks Rum]

Perfect timing for the talk too...you'd be amazed how much these kids at school 'tell' each other. One disturbed little creature in my daughter's class last year told her he'd had sex already. I told her he was full of crap and was going to die a lonely old man. That's sort of how I roll.

All that aside, I also got her the books from American Girl

http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/html/ProductPage.jsf/itemId/2852/itemType/FG/webTemplateId/3/uniqueId/138/saleGroupId/247

and it saved my sanity. I told her it was hers and private. And she liked that idea. I had my BFF get it for her 8 year old last year and it saved her too...she started her period about 6 months later :o(

[MelissaS]

Yep she has that book.

I just sort of thought we could be an open family and not be all shameful about our bodies and sex.

guess not!

[HomeSlice]

i'm dying here. i absolutely ABHOR the word "panties". even typing it makes me shiver. i thought i was the only freak. and to make it even worst: add "moist" before "panties". double death.

[Nikki]

You MUST go to Oprah's website to see her show about talking to kids about sex. (I watched it yesterday on DVR so I have no idea when it actually aired, but it hasn't been that long.) I'm certainly not condoning everything they suggest, but it's a good way to get started. Good luck!

[EJ]

Oh, I was the same way! I learned early how to research and looked up answers to my questions in books at the library (pre-internet days) and pamphlets from tampon boxes. God forbid my mother - who gave me life - tried to follow me into a dressing room after about 2nd grade.

Seconding the American Girls books, especially The Care and Keeping of You. It covers the puberty and hygiene parts of maturation without the sex parts. Now I work in a library, and it's my favorite book in the collection on the topic.

To spare her feelings, avoid any books with the following words in the title: "puberty," "down there," "period," or "journey." Eww.

[p/f]

I don't have girls, so I guess it's my role to let my sons know that the job's not done until both parties are happy.

I'm all about teaching girls that they should know their own bodies, and that they don't need to fall in love with the first guy who gives them a decent orgasm (but maybe she should keep his number).

If my mom had been able to be open with me about sex, I can't help but think that our relationship would have been stronger because we would have been able to have communicated about lots of other things as well.

[Molly]

My growing-up experience is similar, I think, to Maddie's: just because your mother is willing to be open and aboveboard about sex and body stuff doesn't mean that you are. Oh my good gracious no.

I am totally and completely petrified by the fact that I'm now pregnant with a girl who will one day, I'm quite certain, cringe as horrifically as I did at the thought of certain topics.

My 3-year-old son, on the other hand...well, that's another story. Words you don't want to hear coming from a pre-schooler: "morning wood."

[Amy]

I teach middle school, and I think is soooo good when parents have an open dialogue because so many of these girls are so confused. Even though she's embarassed now, when she gets to middle school and is confronted by other girls talking about this stuff, it'll be good for her to be equipped with knowledge and know she can come talk to you.

[Jeanmarie]

I invited my 10 year old to sit in the front seat of the car for errands - she thought she was SUCH a big girl! I then proceeded to have "the talk" with her...when we got to the store , finished shopping, and returned to the car, she went to sit in the back seat - I asked her why and she said "Mom-I don't think I am ready to talk about the things people talk about in the front of the car..."
LOLOL - good luck...

[Nichole]

My mom used the "Where Did I Come From?" book, too. That was mortifying enough.

[schmutzie]

I couldn't say "nipple" without giggling until I was in my twenties. I didn't want anyone to know of my affliction, so I avoided anything to do with that word until I had a body piercer friend who used it ALL THE TIME. After he caught me blushing, it was nipple this and nipple that from everyone until I got over it.

[Allison]

My little girl called it her 'pagina', as in "boys have a penis and girls have a pagina and it's NOT FAIR!" (this resulted from the boys being able to pee in the forest, but it works on so many levels, don't you think?). My son called it her China, which suddenly made tea parties seem fraught with danger....

[Heather B.]

This post is just the inspiration I need to write about how my mother and I never had the talk. Then again, I'm wishing my mother had had a blog then because at least I would know some of what she was thinking then and why she never dared broach the subject. Even now, I am 25 and she won't bring up any matters having to do with the opposite sex.

And now all of these memories are flooding back...wow.

[MomZombie]

I suppose the only thing more excruciating would be to have a tween daughter who was so un-self-conscious that she came out of her sex-ed class waving tampons and pads in the air like little flags.

[rbiggs]

Lately Oprah has really had a couple of great shows on this topic. My girls are almost 10 and 12.5. It is interesting at our house. The 12 year old will talk about ANYTHING ANYWHERE! The 9 year old would rather die than even have marriage brought up at the dinner table. We mostly ignore her discomfort and continue talking in our open, frank, liberal way that we always have. Maybe one day she, too, will be able to even utter the words gay and marriage in the same sentence. Perhaps breast will one day come out of her mouth too. I do believe that my husband may embarrass her more than me. We have done our job as parents.

[Alex]

She's computer savvy right? How about sending her an email? Sounds impersonal but not really much different than giving her a book, except that it would be your own words. And she could read them in her own bedroom and blush all she likes in privacy.

[Whozat]

I would also recommend "What's Happening To Me?" which is the all-about-puberty-book that's a companion to "Where Did I Come From?"

[jk]

OMG the word panties. What is it about that one? Absolutely horrific. Why don't we just wear underwear like the guys do??? I despise that one. ICK.

[beyond]

oh you make me laugh. try with shadow puppets. but seriously, my parents wanted to tell me about all this stuff when i was about maddie's age and i already knew everything. from listening to other (older/) kids at school perhaps. but it's better to hear it from her parents even if it grosses her out.

[Cee]

My mom bought me the book What's Happening to My Body? (there are separate girl and boy editions) and it was super helpful. I knew I could come to her with questions, but when it came to something embarassing I could just look it up in the book and feel better. There was lots of unbiased but still age-appropriate information about birth control, STDs, what an abortion is, etc. Plus there was a section about the penis that really fascinated me!

[mpotter]

hilarious. sorry to laugh at your plight.
but i'm right there with you....
i have 10 years to prepare myself.

though, i could take a page from my mom's book and discuss it by not discussing it:
http://idroppedmybonbon.blogspot.com/2008/07/great-parenting.html

The Mr. is SO glad we didn't have a boy.

[JP]

Seriously...why is panties such a weird word? Oh, but this made me laugh.

Also...I my oldest is 11.5 and we've had small talks here and there. One especially after the girls in her class watch that over so cheesy coming-of-age video. Keeping things short and sweet and not having The Talk (One big uncomfortable conversation) has worked out pretty well. I still struggle with certain conversations (like when a girl told my daughter that her good friend was pregnant at 13...I nearly died right in the supermarket) but that is mostly due to still picturing her as 5 instead of almost 12.

Good luck!

[Jennifer]

I have always been very open, and honest with my daughter. I have not made up words, or stories for her. I am open with her about what happened to her brother too. I believe this has made her the person she is today. Although now when I discuss

[Ashley]

I too thought my little brother had a "peanut". Although, lucky for you, Maddie didn't truck right over to the neighbor's house to tell them, "Guess what? My brother has a little peanut. But my Daddy has a BBBBIIIIIIGGGGG PEANUT!" Nice, huh? :)

[die Frau]

My DAD tried to have "the talk" with me...while I was in the front seat of the car! He was very blunt and that's all I remember because I blocked everything else out. I know I had a better one with my mom and, while feeling squirmy, I felt it was nice to have someone I could trust to ask questions. That, and my friends and I found a copy of The Joy of Sex which we secretly perused. Yikes.

I apparently called it my "patina" when I was little, FYI. Tell me, when Oprah has her talks with the kids, does she refer to the womanly part as her "va-jay-jay"?

[Lisa]

I'm not a mom, but remember well when my mother tried to have "the talk" with me, and I had the exact same reaction as Maddie. Mortified! Such language!

I watched the Oprah discussion about talking to your daughters about sex, and thought back to how my mother didn't (couldn't?) have that talk with me. I think it would have gone over better if she'd given me a book and let me read it on my own first. Get all of the embarrassment over with by myself. She could have prefaced it with "You can read this yourself and then ask me questions." ...possibly in writing.

It's such a key point in a girl's development, and there's so much pressure on the mom to do it right. I don't envy you, Moms.

[heatherw]

Where we live, the 4th and 5th graders get "the talk" at school (with the parents' permission, of course). I have given my daughter several books and then asked if I could borrow them when she was finished. The best one so far, I think, is the American Girls book called "The Body Book" or something like that.
Good luck. I still haven't figured out how to explain pole dancing or hookers - two things my 10 year old has already asked about.

[Stacey]

i have used a journal with my oldest son. I write something, then ask a question. I then leave it in his bedroom, and he answers the question, or writes something in it and leaves it for me in my bedroom. It has worked out well, and no one feels uncomfortable...we do not usually discuss the things we write about, & we have covered every subject from, his changing body, to how to talk to a girl....to why won't I let him play certain video games even though ALL his friend can? and sometimes I like to go back and read older stuff from when we started (at age 10).

[Ginnie]

Just let her watch The Simpsons. That's where my kid gets all his info. Sadly.

[Kelly]

I second, third or fiftieth the American Girl book "The Care and Keeping of You." It helped start things up for us. We keep an open dialog around here, but sometimes I'd like to close it. My then 12 year old daughter asked me what oral sex was in the drive thru lane at McDonald's once. Good times.

[Brenda]

I hate the word panties too. Fortunately for me it seems to be an American invention -- we call them knickers here, and everyone's happy.
I agree with the book reading thing as a starting point. Also I let me kids watch Friends re-runs and that pretty much teaches them everything they need to know.

[Miss Grace]

*snort*

[kate]

I love Stacey's idea of the journal! That's brilliant for kids and/or parents who aren't comfortable talking about certain things.

The Oprah show was a real eye opener for me as far as what kids know (!!) and when they are DOING it. SHOCKING, I tell ya. But I did love that Dr. and her suggestions abou epowering girls.

[wookie]

Do you have another woman Maddie could talk to? Someone you both trust, but she can deal with just the embarassment of talking about these uncomfortable things, instead of talking about them with YOUR MOM.

[Alicat]

I volunteer with planned parenthood doing family education nights about puberty. Parents love them (takes a lot of the pressure off them, and opens up a conversation between parent and tween) and while most of the kids are mortified, they're in good company
not sure what the format is in your neck of the woods, but check this out...
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/midsouthmi/parent-education-21378.htm

[Miss Elizabeth]

Well, a family being open about this stuff means partially bucking the whole mind/body dichotomy, which is a big task. So maybe don't beat yourself about the head too much for that one. Anxiety makes Maddie's body send fight or flight signals a lot of the time; that and the disconnectedness that the mind/body dichotomy can cause will probably inform how she feels in her body. Does Maddie have any feelings about her gender? She seems like she'd rather all humans just have nice, gender-neutral bodies. That is not a bad or wrong way to feel by any stretch of the imagination. Puberty can be really difficult for folks who do feel that way, and I wonder if preferring a gender-neutral physical expression is part of what is making Maddie so freaked.

[Jodi]

I recently had a serious TALK with my 15yo son because he is in a long-term relationship (more than 3 months). I have a great trick. Have THE TALK while you are driving. Fast. Like on a freeway. There is no escape and you don't have to look at each other.

[April]

I got my period a week after my 11th birthday, so look out.

I second (third?) the What's Happening to my Body? book. I got that at the library when I was 9 or so. Maybe you could buy it for her and let her know she is welcome to talk to you, but you thought she would prefer reading about it instead?

[Helen]

My 7 yr old son and I sat down to play battleship last Thursday afternoon. I decided to turn on Oprah, since I rarely get a chance to watch it, and I wanted to kinda watch TV and play the game with him on a relaxing afternoon. I went to the kitchen to take a call from my mom--20 minutes later I return and he's watching Oprah, the "how do you talk to your kids about sex" show. OMG--the first thing out of his mouth: "do I have to put MY penis into a vagina to get a baby?" next: "won't it get dirty?" I almost died. The questions went on and on for several minutes, mostly about who gets dirty doing what. . .I'm glad he's not the type of kid who will shout this from the rooftops. If his sister had seen this show, she'd have been running down the block shouting "I know what to do with my ba-gina!" her own word for vagina. So, thanks to Oprah, I guess my son & I had our first sex talk, about three years earlier than I had planned but it's out there now!

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

Oh my goodness, I was JUST LIKE HER at her age. GOOD LUCK!

[Jeninlb]

As a 5th grade teacher, I kept several books around that talked about puberty. The girls loved them and they never really hit the shelf for long. There is one from American Girl called The Care and Keeping of YOU that was very popular and generally innocent. I think the second most popular was called The Period Book, and it was somewhat less innocent, but very well done.

[Sheila]

My just-turned-eleven daughter asked my husband a question about periods (first time asking, maybe six months ago) while I was out one day. He actually used the words "crotchal region" when trying to describe the general area of interest.

Fast forward to two weeks ago, where my daughter and all of her fifth-grade classmates were shouting out words like "scrotum!" and "vulva!" during the Lightning Round portion of the quiz they took while attending the Mother/Daughter Talk at school. I died a little inside that night.

[Rebecca]

Oh my gosh, laughing so hard. My favorite part was "dies, comes back to life and dies again."

[Coma Girl]

Yeah, my mother got a video from the library for the "talk".

Good luck!

[amy]

My kids and I are pretty open about these things but I had the darnest time telling them about the sex act. I bought a good book and asked them to get back to me if they had any questions ;)

[jana]

I was the EXACT same way as Maddie when I was her age. I'm all for circumventing "the talk" but keeping the lines of communication open...something along the lines of saying "look, I know this stuff is embarrassing. But having questions about your body and what people do with their bodies is nothing to be ashamed of. So if you ever have any questions, no matter how small or big, don't hesitate to ask me." Then encourage her to put it in writing. One of my friends' moms had a notebook that was only to be used to ask questions back and forth between my friend and her mom. My friend could write down "What is a blow job?" and leave the notebook on her mom's pillow. Her mom would write a thoughtful response and leave it on her pillow when done. No mention of the notebook was EVER made, so my friend didn't have to worry about it coming up in conversation to embarrass her to death.

[Clair]

I will never forget the day my younger sister asked me what a blow job was. I was 12, had no idea, and so she asked my mom. My mom's a nurse, and we were very open and matter-of-fact about most stuff, but she freaked about this. We're in our 30s now, but both still scarred by this experience. GOOD LUCK!

[Kathy]

Hello. One excellent tip for handling questions of this nature (and difficult questions about other topics that start something like, "What is...?": Ask the young'un, "What do you think (it) is?". Sometimes they either just need confirmation, or they are imagining something much creepier. With this method, you can avoid giving them TMI. I learned this from a scholarly expert in sexual education.

[Emmy]

My mom mentioned to a bunch of aunts and girl cousins one day at the pool that I refused to wear my training bra. I'm pretty sure I died three separate times that day at embarrassment. Good luck!

[Dewshane]

I remember coming home from school at the age of...somewhere between 8 & 10...and my mother had the "Where Did I Come From" book waiting for me on the kitchen table. She asked me to read it. Out loud. While she listened. I died each time I turned to a new page to see those chubby, old cartoon characters getting more and more inappropriate with one another. I will never forget that...it was the most unique form of torture I had endured to date. When I got through the end of the book, that was the end of our conversations about sex. At this point it's clear the topic bothers her a lot more than it does me.

I'm so glad you're trying to have an open dialogue with Maddie. I wouldn't recommend my mother's approach.

[bluejeanamy]

ahaha.

oh my, maddie sounds JUST like me, age 5-15. could not handle any talk of anything even remotely body-oriented. i'd put hands over my ears and sing 'pretty woman'.

may i suggest some books, placed on her pillow with a cute note - you're here for any questions, etc?

i felt so much more comfortable in the comf of my own room, reading the facts solo, but also knowing i could ask my mom whatever i didn't understand.

[Krissa]

Oh man - I remember thinking in elementary school that I probably shouldn't use the word "woman." It was too mature for me. Ha!

In high school, one of my friend's moms had a bunch of old textbooks - one of which was a biology book from the 60s. In the Human Sexuality portion, it actually said that women could orgasm simply by stroking their eyebrows. If only! We laughed about that a LOT, and then would finger our brows at each other in class, to peels of private laughter. Hee!

[Tracie]

My daughter is the exact same way. Except she is 19 and still cringes if I try to talk to her about anything sexual. My son, however, has always come to me with questions.

[angelawd]

Life with daughters becomes even more fun when they want you to go in the doctor's office with them and hold their hands during their first pelvic exams.

Luckily we have a very cool and sympathetic female doctor.

[ShotgunGladys]

There are only two other words that make me cringe like "panties" does: "moist" (word, homeslice) and "slacks." When he wants to get under my skin, my husband will use all three words in the most ickifying sentences ever. You can imagine.

[Jayne]

Panties is a dumb word. I don't know why women's underpants have to be distinguished from men's when they serve the same purpose. I prefer to call them drawers, which sounds both a little frontier-ish and Laura Ingalls Wilder as well as a little cheeky.

My mother always motified me by pronouncing the word bra with the a sound as in cat, like she was some lame frat boy talking about her bros. But then my sister and I talked about how weird it was that she said bra that way and everything was fine.

[Elizabeth]

My mother sat me down with "Our Bodies, Our Selves" and said "Any questions?"

I had NO questions after thumbing through that book, believe me.

But I have my own copy now.

[kmbr]

The American Girl book recommended above is awesome, and covers stuff you would totally forget was important to know at that age.

I have boys, btw. I read it to remind me, and then translate what applies to them. Its my little secret. Shhh.

[nita]

Hi Melissa,
Been a lurker for years, but this time I think I have something useful. I have two daughters, 19 and 21, and the best book that answered all of their questions (and more) was called "Deal With It! A whole new approach to your body, brain and life as a gurl." It really covers EVERYTHING, so you might want to preview it. All I can tell you is that we went into Barnes & Noble, they asked me to buy it for them, they started reading it in the car and continued reading it the rest of the night. Didn't see them again until the morning. They never asked me another question again.
Here it is:
http://www.amazon.com/Deal-Whole-Approach-Your-Brain/dp/0671041576
Good luck!

[tami]

We've found It's So Amazing! to be pretty good. I personally am fond of the bird that is terribly embarrassed; maybe Maddie will identify with him.

[Paulla]

Several years ago, when my daughters were 9 and 10, I sat them down and told them about sex - in a very clinical way - and this after we'd been open all their lives about body parts, etc.

But my 9-year-old looked at me in horror and said, "Mom, I'm way too young to hear this."

Too funny!

[Meika]

@Sheila - "crotchal region" - for the first time EVER I am literally standing at my computer laughing out loud. I don't know why. Maybe because I can picture my husband saying saying exactly the same thing, probably with some big hand gesture to, YOU KNOW, make sure it's clear...