Evaporated Milk

As part of a media buy on Suburban Bliss, The American Cancer Society asked me to write about one of the ways cancer has affected my life. Unfortunately cancer has come into my life in many ways, but this one seemed most fun to write about.

Growing up, my mother had this habit of buying the same thing over and over. Sometimes that item was a loaf of bread. Every time she drove past the market she'd have to run in and grab a loaf or ten of bread. You just never knew when you'd need to make sandwiches for the entire state of Rhode Island, she liked to be prepared.

Other times she'd get it in her head that she needed something you very rarely have a use for like, evaporated milk. And for a couple of months, she'd grab a can or two each time she ran to the market. The evaporated milk, sat in the cupboard for months, years. In fact I don't even know how long it was there. Could have been from 1973 and no one would have been surprised. That can was just a part of the pantry landscape after a while. Granola bars, flour, salt, cereal, evaporated milk.

My grandpa got cancer in his late 70's. I don't remember what kind of cancer it was, it really didn't matter all that much. Like all the kinds of cancer, it was the crappy kind. He got increasingly sick over time, and eventually required a nurse to come live with him.

One day while my grandpa was particularly sick, my brother and I were at home while my mom was at work. My brother had the can of evaporated milk in his hand, and we pondered why it was there. Could we even remember a time the evaporated milk was not in the cupboard? Why were there three of them in there? Had we ever seen our mother use evaporated milk for anything?

Each question resulted in more questions. My mother is a little jumpy and in our family we like to prey on the weakest one. It's how we love.

We do little things like put rubber snakes in the microwave or hide someone in the back seat of the car to scream "Boo!" while she drives. Just funny little tricks meant to toy with her heart and keep her, you know, aerobically healthy.

My brother called my mother at work. "Mom! The nurse just called from grandpa's house. They're having an emergency! They need 6-10 ounces of evaporated milk immediately!"

Without skipping a beat my mother went into what I call her 'Crisis Mode', this is how she gets whenever something really bad happens, when there's an emergency of some sort. "Okay," she said, taking a long cleansing breath. "Go in the cupboard next to the oven. On the middle shelf, next to the cereal and near the flour, there are three cans of evaporated milk. Take them out and tell me how many ounces each can is. There should be enough there."

Apparently, she didn't pause long enough to consider what kind of cancer-related health emergency could possibly be addressed with 6-10 ounces of evaporated milk. But for a few shining moments she believed she'd bought that evaporated milk for a good reason. All the teasing we'd done about the evaporated milk would all be worth it now. She was having the last laugh, now that we were facing a health emergency and her evaporated milk would quite possibly save my grandfather's life.

For those moments, before my brother and I started laughing hysterically, my mother thought she cured cancer with three cans of evaporated milk.

Comments

[sheri bheri]

I just love you so freakin' much right now. That's freakin' HILARIOUS.

[Amelia]

That was a great story! Your family is too freaking funny. Between this story and the hot dog costume, I think I really like your brother.

[die Frau]

Can evaporated milk, indeed, evaporate over time? That would have blown my mind, if you'd written, "So then we opened the evaporated milk from 1973...and it was GONE."

I'm glad that, if you have to have numerous stories about cancer, one of them's funny.

[Kristina]

I LOVE this story. My mom is the same way. Maybe someday we'll find a way to put 17 cans of expired vegetable beef soup and 4 boxes of stale crackers to good use.

[Accidental Olympian]

Sounds as if our mothers might actually be long lost sisters. They both seem to carry the gene wherein after birthing children it mutated their genes turning grocery shopping into a hording exercise.

Whenever I come home I make a point to test my mom's food hoarding skills. I always think of something obscure like 4 cans of lima beans, or pickled pig ears and tell her I've been craving it for months. And EVERY time she delivers. The only problem is then I have to find a way out of eating it...

[aimee]

Thanks for the great laugh!!

Evaporated milk is key to my grandmother's amazing fudge recipe, just in case you ever get the urge to start buying it :)

[Lisame]

too funny!

[Mallory]

Very cute story.

[Tamara]

I love that your mother reacted that way, and I love that you and your brother thought up a way to get her hilarious reaction.

[Tamara]

I love that your mother reacted that way, and I love that you and your brother thought up a way to get her hilarious reaction.

[Swiggy]

You and your siblings are EVIL.

I love it.

[Dawn]

Evaporated milk! Freaking hilarious! What did the granola bars do...create world peace?

[Canadasteph]

If only evaporated milk did work.

[Carrie]

Ha! Laughter instead of tears and I'm still thinking of the American Cancer Society. Great story!

[Meg McG]

I hope your kids read this and start to get ideas. Or better yet, your grandkids. For the record I heart your mom, I really do!

You're just too dang funny.

[Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com]

I'm with Canadasteph. If only evaporated milk were all it took.

[Nancy]

Ray and I have evaporated milk in our coffee all the time. We're gonna live forever!

[dayna]

yeah.. I'm not uptight or anything, but cancer and crisis modes strike a nerve with me I guess. Failing to see the humor here. :\

[MelissaS]

Sigh....My family deals with crisis with humor.

You guys are so funny.

[Pants]

Sometimes finding levity in a tough situation can help release some of the stress of it. That's what I'm getting from this...

[Erin]

I have a can of evaporated milk in my cupboard right now that's at least 8 years old.

Great story, Melissa.