Peace Maker

As usual, spending all day every day with the kids is getting old. What am I saying it was old when it started...so I should say it continues to be old.

Doing fun things with them works out well, who doesn't like a day at the pool? Or a trip to the zoo? Or a playdate with friends? But when we're doing boring things I usually do when they're not around, like go to the market or balance my checkbook, things tend to get a little less than pleasant.

Maddie has a list of things she would like to have. RIGHT NOW. This list is comically full and it grows and grows by the second, especially if you enter a Target with her. The nice thing is the things on her list of things she NEEDS TO HAVE RIGHT NOW very rarely coincides with the things that are on my list of things I'm planning to buy right now.

I also tend to be skeptical of the things on her list of "needs" because they tend to coincide with whatever is right in front of her face at any given moment. "I need a new pair of shoes....More socks....A hot glue gun.....a lamp for my room....a rug...a new beach towel....this book! A magazine! A game! A belt sander!"

On this particular shopping trip a week or so ago I was amazed by the stream of things coming out of her mouth. I started to make mental bets on what she'd ask for next. It was incredible.

My friend was once a nanny for a family who asked her to limit saying "No" to their child to 7 times a day. 

I say no to my kids more than 7 times before getting out of bed in the morning. But on this trip to the market I was racking up enough "No's" to cover about a year of "No's" for that family.

Madison was getting pretty annoyed with my love of the word no on this trip through Target and I was getting pretty annoyed with her list of "Needs". Sometimes Maddie and I get a little....unpleasant when we're in a situation like this.

Maddie likes to needle and I like to become 11 and the result is frighteningly immature and stupid.

"You know what Mom? I don't think you even care about the things I need. I don't think you even love me."

"Hmm...interesting."

"Yeah and you know what? If you had a yearbook you know what I'd write in it? 'You were really mean to me all year! Thanks for caring about what I need.'"

"Oh, well you know what I'd write in your yearbook, 'Sorry you never appreciated the things you have!' "

"Guess what else I'd write? 'You are the meanest mother in the whole world.' "

"Oh really? Because guess what I'd write? ....."

Suddenly Max, who'd been walking in between us quietly listening to this ridiculous conversation, put his arms up to the sides and says,

"Ladies, ladies....how about if nobody writes anything in anybody's yearbook. Okay?"

The voice of reason from my 8 year old. Nice.

Comments

[hippittee]

can max come to my house to offer his sage advice?

[Digibutter]

That sounds just like my mother and I while I was growing up - before she sent me to counseling. Wish my sibling had been like Max - mine just egged us on.

[Dawn]

You're not alone...my five year old has started telling her 21 month old sister that she's "driving her crazy." A proud parenting moment, indeed, let me tell you.

[renee gillette]

Am I reading an account of my exact same life? Honestly. My 12-year-old daughter and I had the same encounter at Target last week. A purse, sunglasses, this book, those shoes, etc. The kid who never used to want anything suddenly needs it all. And if she catches me unprepared (which is too often), my reaction is the emotional equivalent of a 12-year-old. My 8-year-old is often the voice of reason... "would you two not talk like that anymore" which snaps me back to my role as "adult", and subsequently into my "shame spiral." :) What's wrong with me? I'm with you... love my kids, but need a break from them. School starts for us on Wednesday, and it couldn't come a day too soon!

[Penny]

Oh, this made my day. I laughed so hard and then I read it to my 21 year old daughter who is watching me struggle with her 15 year old sister! It only gets better, just wait.

Love your blog!

[Sarah]

You have just described every day of my life with my 10-year-old daughter.

[John LeJeune]

Love this post Melissa!

[kristi]

Heelarious!

[Kim]

My just-turned-8 year old is like this...whether it's the stupid commercials on TV, or we're in Target, even the grocery store. Yesterday she came with me to Target, and asked to buy a toy...didn't have anything in mind, just wanted SOMETHING.

I feel your pain, and thank goodness for your son :) as the voice of reason.

[kate]

Dear Max,
I love you.

a secret admirer

[Anne May]

It happens here too. I've started making obscene bargains with my husband just so that I don't have to take the 7 year old with me when I go out so I don't have to answer the "can I get this? can I get this? can I get this?"

[Candy]

Wow you just perfectly described our family dynamic. My daughter however is 19 and still hasn't stopped the "need list" and my 16 year old son has been the peacemaker since he learned to speak. That doesn't mean that yours won't outgrow this by the time they're 19 and 16. Heh heh.

[Pants]

I need a belt sander too

[Olly]

Yup, that is my life, too. One trick I use is to buy each kid a treat BEFORE we go to the store I need to go to. A slurpee works best. They know they won't get anything else and a straw in the mouth keeps everyone quiet and free from whining or bickering.

[Tracy]

<< My friend was once a nanny for a family who asked her to limit saying "No" to their child to 7 times a day. >>

How does that even work, unless she's allowed to ignore the kids after she's said "no" the permitted number of times? They get whatever they ask for, no matter what? The mind, it boggles.

[Amy]

Hang in there with Maddie. I hear conversations like that ALL over Target so I know you're not alone!

My parents gave us a weekly allowance at that age (monthly later) and when we spent it we spent it. It was gone. No more anything beyond absolute, true necessities (soap, toothpaste, shampoo etc.). I remember a few painful lessons when I spent all of my allowance on crap and then later had to miss out on movies or other fun stuff with friends because I didn't have any more money. My kids are too young for that (4 and 2) but I'm sure we'll be there sooner than I think.

And the 7-No anecdote. Oh my holy hell. Can that even be real? Why seven? How ridiculous. (I'm sure you aren't lying of course, I just can't fathom how someone would (A) dream up such a scheme; and (B) think it is effective.)

[Cat]

Okay, here goes. My kids like going to Target and other stores, to see the shiny new things. I often tell them, "I don't have money for that," when they ask for something. But more often my rule (and I tell them this before we go in) is that if they ask me to buy them ONE thing, then we will leave immediately.

1) You have to be willing and able to drop your own desire to look at shiny new things and leave the store. (You can go back later to shop when your husband's home and watching the kids).

2) You have to make sure you do this only when you're in a store they LIKE so that they don't intentionally try to make you leave.

Granted, this actually works best when we're visiting a museum or amusement park or some other place they REALLY ENJOY. If they beg for one thing, we hit the door. Nowadays, we will browse a gift shop, but they won't beg me to buy them stuff AT ALL. Instead, I might say, "You can spend $5.00 today if you see something you like." Or I'll say, "I'm not buying anything today, but if you want to look at stuff, that's fine," and everybody is pleasant.

[Whozat]

My sister used to give her kids each like $2 to spend at the grocery. (They are now 22 and 25, so it might require more money now!)

She had veto power if they wanted candy or something, but they often chose something perfectly fine that just wasn't on the list that day, like a different cereal - or fruit!

One time they wanted some sort of fruit, but didn't want to spend all their money, so they figured out (for themselves) how much they could get for $3 and then split the change.

[MelissaS]

Meh, didn't really want advice.

Sometimes we have to go to stores where there are things she wants and some days it's easier to ignore than others.

I'm not leaving because she's whining. I have stuff to do and I'm getting it done (that particular day I was shopping for camping supplies). School or no school.

I've got daylight to burn and errands are one way to get us out of the house and out of the bickering. Picking my poison. I like evenings to be relaxing.

[Whozat]

Forgot to say - the ABSOLUTE best part of this post:

"Ladies, ladies"

[Woman with Kids]

Can Max come to my house? Boy 1 and I could use a rational voice on (many, many) occasions.

[MelissaS]

Cat and Whozat you should send those into Asha at Parenthacks. They are awesome ideas for dealing with the gimmes.

[BOSSY]

Family yearbooks. Now that's a scary concept.

[beth]

I feel your pain! My 16 year old stormed out of the house yesterday and what I heard about it: "you don't love me enough because it took you over 30 minutes to realize it." Ummmm, I'm not stupid... I know this is a ploy to worry me!

[Laura]

I know, I can rent Max for his voice of reason and then you will have more cash for Maddies "needs".

No 7 times a day??? Blink, Blink. Puleease.

[mythoughtsonthat]

My niece was once banned from Target for a year when she was younger- that's how bad it was.

And why do the 8 year olds always have the best answers? They need to be in charge of the world, for sure!

Peace.

[paula in ohio]

Max totally rocks! Love that kid!

[ccr in MA]

I love not only his sage advice, but the fact that he started, "Ladies, ladies..."

[Meredith]

Your life sounds like mine this summer. The bickering in the stores is getting very old and I do occasionally get sucked into it myself as well. Max is awesome!

And the "no" limit made me laugh out loud.

[katrina]

They say it always helps if there is one voice of sanity within each household - I think that's what might be missing in mine

[Karan]

You're in for it when she hits the teen years...right now make a list of promises to yourself of the things you'll never say to her no matter how much you want to murder her.

[amy]

How about a fair allowance/chore schedule? Then maybe she will have a better appreciation for the dollar! Works for my daughters, not so much the son..

[tonya]

I'm a mom of two girls. No boys. That was hilarious. And God bless Max. Would he like to visit Tennessee and bring some peace to my home?

[Kristyn Eagleton]

Sounds like me and my 7 year old daughter. Looks like I have some good times ahead of me.

[De in D.C.]

I totally win mother of the year. When my 9yo asks for random things in stores or says he needs something, I usually just laugh at him. Usually after 3-4 times of this he gives up.

[Trixie]

One word - Xanax.

[Jeff Drongowski]

I was the Max in our family. I still am. I'd write more about this but my sister and mother are both calling me at the same time. I already know what it's about.

*Sigh*

[katie]

Great post! My mom used to say "I'll keep that in mind..." when we used to ask for ridiculous things. I absolutely hated it at the time, but I know that as soon as the "i need its" kick in I'll be using it with my daughter.

[Slim]

Now I'm imagining Maddie camping -- "I neeeeed a pine cone!" "I neeeed a squirrel!"

Although it's probably not appealing if it's free.

Seven "No"s? Hmmm.

[Erica]

That totally made me laugh out loud.

[Dawn]

Me, too. Actual laughing out loud at Max's coment. Or the cuteness of it. What a cool kid! Poor Maddie, though. There is just so much shiny stuff out there to tempt us "ladies."

That 7-no-a-day limit could only have been dreamed up by parents who are not actually doing any of the parenting. What morons.

[Elise]

Your son is hilarious, you should rent him out.

As soon as you engage in an argument with an 11 year-old, you've lost it. I remember being that age and deliberately provoking my mom, knowing full well that she would employ logic and reason that I could completely ignore, thus irritating her further.

[Amy M]

hysterical. I *heart* Max!!

[mpotter]

oh no! is this something *else* i should dread with my daughter?
i have a few years yet.
way to go max.

one of my brothers is also good at diffusing situations. he lately has taken to telling off-colored jokes.

[jane]

I wouldn't have understood this until I lived with my exbf (well he was my bf at the time) and his two teenage daughters. I think it's in the water.

[Jennifer]

My daughter is fifteen. I wish I could tell you that that phase ends.

I'm also really glad to hear that I'm not the only immature mom out there. One time my daughter, in a huff about some small thing, told me "I'm going to run away from home and live on the streets!" And, I said "FINE. I'm sure all the bums will think you are really cute!"
(Yes, not-PC, AT ALL, and who says something like that?)
(Oh, yeah, that would be ME.)

[Steph.]

Oh my gosh--this could be repeated in my house this summer! Too hilarious! Glad to be back reading fun blogs and that you're still around!

[jg]

Maddie sounds like me at 11. If it means anything: my mom has been one of my best friends since I grew out of that stage. And thank God I grew out of that stage.

[Lisa]

Ahh, the bickering - shades of my daughter and me, only she's still 7.5. I can't wait for 11-18. Sometimes just to torture her I like to pretend that she's not speaking sarcastically and respond to her comments at face value. Drives her crazy. Yep, I'm 41, can't you tell? Maybe my 3-year-old son will become our Max in a few years, but I'm not holding my breath.

[Kristen]

I love Max. He sounds just like my 8yo son, who has been known to break up arguments between me and my 6yo son. I, too, tend to sink down to their level and my husband just shakes his head at me. Countin' down the days til school starts.

[Julie]

Sometimes I worry about saying "no" too much to my four kids. Then I decide my answer is not the problem, it's their stupid questions...
"Can I take the matches outside?"
"Can I take your iPhone to school?"
"Can we go to Disneyland today?" (we live in Kansas.)
I just pray each of them is as blessed someday with children who possess the same incessant linguistic skills and imagination that mine have.

[Coury]

Once I actually took a 1/4" wide peice of duct tape and placed it vertically over my daughter's whiney mouth right before we walked into a target store. I told her that I would leave her in the car, but the trunk was full.

I am so glad that I am not the only parent who celebrates back to school. I am sick of my kids.

I love you, dear.

[Michael]

Around here, we sing the song from the Staples commercial, "It's the most wonderful time of the year..."

I have a few pat responses.

"Dad, I want (x)."

"Well, I'd like to be King of England (or center fielder for the Boston Red Sox)."

Or my Mom's classic, singsongy, "Christmas is coming..."

The killer part is that you have to not get anything for yourself on this trip, but as someone pointed out, you can always go back.

[Silindile Ntuli]

Oh my God I'm still laughing... Your kids sound so mature and you're all just too funny