growing up

School so far has been going okay. 

Max, I've noticed, is fine as he gets used to school, he just rolls along and doesn't really think too hard about what's different and what's the same. Even riding the bus, something he didn't really want to do this year by himself, he's kind of just accepted he's going to be on the bus and that's that.

His problems come later when he gets overwhelmed by a particular project and spends an hour at bedtime sounding like a mammal in some terrifying mating season call. But let's not even worry about that now.

Madison, shocked me after her first day at school. Going into the building without wrapping herself around my head and grabbing onto my brain stem for dear life. You know, that's progress. Still I worried a little throughout that day. I just wondered how awful pick up would be.

She was happy at pick up. She said "I only got lost once." "Someone liked my shirt." "I felt so popular seeing all my old friends!" (From the elementary school we attended before we moved).

We walked home that day and I floated home above her and she held a string tied to my ankle so my joy, relief and pride wouldn't shoot me right into foreign airspace.

She teased Logan when he called to see how it went, "Well, it was awful. I hate it. I never want to go back." Then, after a pause, "No! I loved it."

We made a fatal mistake that night.

We put her to bed. Where her brain could think about what could go wrong. 

All the things you remember about middle school. Do you remember middle school as clearly as I do? I wasn't normal of course, but everyone I talk to has at least a couple of stories about the terror of getting lost, not remembering their combination, the thrill and the terror of all this new independence.

To avoid all of this we should have given her a little cocaine so her brain would never slow down. She'd have gone to bed last night thinking, "I'm in a whole other amazing dimension and it's sparkly and full of pulsing light."

Yes I realize that's weird but come on. The tears....they're heartbreaking.

Last night Maddie asked, "You know, I just don't understand why you can't just have the same teacher all day in middle school? Or at least have them walk you to your next class?"

And we said, "But this is independence. This is your first chance to be a little more grown up. To try different classes and to learn even more about every subject."

"But it's really hard to get used to."

Today I was running late after having lunch with a reader in Toledo, (Hey! Staci!) so I asked a friend to pick Maddie up at the school.

When Maddie didn't see me or my friend, she decided to start walking home by herself. It's very close and that's the plan eventually, to have her walk. But we didn't want to push it.

When she walked up to the house she said, 'I walked home all by myself, can you believe I didn't freak out? I feel so grown up!"

Then later, "I was thinking I'd take that dollar you gave me to use at lunch and get ice cream on my way home. Can I do that next time?"

Yes you can baby girl. Yes you can.

Comments

[Jennifer]

That is so awesome and amazing! I love when I see those peeks at independence in my daughter.

[Bether]

As someone who also suffers from debilitating anxiety, man, I totally understand how hard that was for her. Go Maddie. She totally deserves ice cream.

[JessicaP]

I'm only 25 but yes, starting middle school is forever etched in my mind. Lots of kids, so much confusion. Locker combinations, running to the next class, half a dozen different teachers!

I remember crawling into bed with my mom the night before school was going to start, half sick with anxiety and anticipation. You described it perfectly- thrill and terror.

"It's a big adjustment," she said. "It might feel like you've been dropped into a foreign country- culture shock. But I promise that eventually it all turns out ok. You will have fun."

And wouldn't you know it, she was right. Moms! Who knew!

PS- Here's to Maddie and her new found sixth grade independence. :)

[Kate]

ohhh. I don't have kids, but I hope to someday, and this gives me SO MUCH hope. Because I was the girl who (literally) threw up every morning before school for, oh, a month into middle school. And I was just thinking today (before I read this!) how I wish I could help that girl now, and how I hope my kids don't feel that worried, and I think you've done a great job. Not that my parents weren't wonderful, but I think you *get* Maddie more than they understood me. So, here's to hoping it gets even better for Maddie. It sounds like she's on the right track.

[cath]

My girls are so far grown that i'm now a grandma, but that story, just brought it all back, and a little tear to my eye. Isn't life grand some days?

[Samantha]

My younger daughter just started high school and my older daughter, now a junior in college, spent the summer working in NYC, away from us in Massachusetts. They are both mostly fine with the transition but it's hard as hell on me.(My bayyyy beees...wah, etc.) The saving grace is that they have adapted so well. It wasn't always that way, though maybe not quite at Maddy's old anxiety level.
Point? Congratulations to you and Maddy. She may have just reached that magic turning point when you recognize that the anxiety is self-created, self-reinforcing and needlessly debilitating. Not that you can just turn it off, of course, but somehow you find the energy and ability to rise above it just enough to move on. How wonderful for her to have found it already!

[AmyinMotown]

Wooooowwwww.....Go Maddie! That is wonderful. You must be so proud of her.

[Melissa]

Well, I know this sounds ridiculous as I don't know actually know you guys from Adam, but reading that *I* was proud of her - so I can just imagine how you must feel right now.

Way to go, Maddie!

[sarah]

[sound of jaw hitting desk]
GO MADDIE!!!
Whatever you are doing to make her feel secure, keep it up!

[Lisa]

That is so awesome! Go Maddie!

My daughter's middle school "team teaches" so you have 2 teachers in rooms next to each other with a wall that can open. You have one of the teachers for SS & English and then the other for Sci & Math...so they literally don't move very far during the day. They also set it up so all 3 grades do not move through the hallways between the same hours because you're in 2 hour blocks with the same teacher. Each grade even has it's own "hallway" so you never really mix with the other grades. Kinda makes me feel like you miss out on something doing it this way.

[MelissaS]

The kids have different floors at our elementary which I'm happy about. There's only one middle school (housed in a former high school building) and one high school so it's kind of a lot of kids.

My neighbor's daughter started high school this week too and I'm just going to go ahead and start freaking out about that right now.

Yay!

[Slim]

I'm thinking between figuring out how to make independence fun for herself and feeling proud of herself for being able to say how she feels and not be embarrassed (one of my favorite posts of yours ever), Maddie is going to be just fine in terms of the big, important, long-term stuff. Even if the little daily stuff is nicking her mother like a so many paper cuts.

[Katg]

That's fantastic!! How exciting for both you and her!

I remember middle school -- I was a huge nerd on top of all the new stuff. I hated it, but grew out of the nerddom by the time 7th grade rolled around.

[kate]

I love everything about how you describe this monumental new beginning, especially you floating home the first day.

Yay, Maddie!! With each new-found bit of independence comes the confidence to take on the world. Or at least middle school.

[tonya]

I don't know you at all except from this blog, but I am in tears. I'm so happy for Maddie, and mostly for YOU. I was a kid who suffered from anxiety. I cried the first day of middle school. And high school. And, um, college. But, hey, I did it all, am I'm fine now. Until change comes my way. Now, my four and eight year old girls exhibit signs of anxiety from time to time, and it KILLS me. I'd take it from them, multiply it by 100, and wade through just to keep them from struggling. Watching your baby battle internal demons is excruciating, especially when you know exactly where they are.

[lynne]

Every time I start a new job or go to a new place, or try anything new, my mom always jokingly asks me if I found the bathroom. That's because on my first day of middle school I couldn't find the bathroom and was too shy and anxiety-ridden myself to ask anyone and so I went all day having to hold it in and raced to the bathroom the second I got home. Such a great start. Never mind that my homeroom teacher (also my math teacher, so I had to go there twice a day) had a snake in his room and we'd have to watch while he fed it live mice. Middle school is hard. And I have a mere second grader but I am already dreading having to watch her go through that someday. Bravo to both of you for surviving so well! Give yourself some ice cream too and float up to the sky!

[John LeJeune]

Sniff sniff.

[Mrs Chaos]

Way to go Maddie! (And also Mom & Dad!)

I was so proud of my girl last year as she transitioned to middle school. The relief and joy at seeing them adapt can be overwhelming...but awesome. Mostly awesome.

[Jen]

Hi Melissa, I'm a regular reader but I don't think I've ever commented before. What an awesome post. This gives me hope for my 8 year old. There were MANY days last year that I had to drag him kicking and screaming into school. This morning he ran off with friends and never looked back. I only have pictures of the back of his head but seeing him smile on his way to school is worth it! Way to go Maddie!

[jessica]

way to go, Maddie! growing up sucks, but it seems like she's finding her way. good job!

[Amy]

I teach middle school and it's so fun to see the kids who were scared at the beginning to grow---by the end of the year, they're totally different kids. Good for Maddie. Big steps.

[die Frau]

That got a huge "awwwwww!" from me. Way to go, Maddie! It's all about the little victories, I think.

[Jenny S]

Yep, you made me cry.

Go Maddie!

[kris]

what i remember about jr high... hating it with a passion that i still feel today. i can't think of a first day i started in jr high or high school where i did not end up in a bathroom crying and finally coming to term with the fact that for 9 months i would be in hell and then it would be over for 3 months. good luck to all jr high and high school students. hope their times are better than mine. somehow we all survive it.

[amy]

Awesome Maddie!

[ella]

That's awesome!

[Tracy]

I was just fine until the line "yes you can baby girl. yes you can". Then the tears came streaming down my face b/c all too soon that will be my kids. I'm not good at letting go.

[Melissa]

Hello new masthead! So proud of Maddie, and for your ability to share in her achievement instead of wallowing in her newfound independence!

[Meredith]

Awww sweet Maddie! As the mother of a very anxiety-prone child I can completely relate. I work at my kids' preschool and my four-year-old moved to the big kids room this year, away from me. While we are still in the same building she stressed over the separation and when she completed her first week without a single tear or clingy, emotional scene I about melted into a puddle of mommy mush.

[Bailey]

Hope you had a great Birthday!!!

[Diana Glick]

The second day of school was always harder than the first. Every bit of energy, strength and resolve goes into surviving Day 1. Then, you have to face Day 2. This was the case for me in first grade (I remember clearly) and high school. Probably junior high as well, but it may have been so bad that I blocked it out. Sounds like Maddie is handling it with aplomb.

[Erika]

Yay Maddie! tHAT'S AWESOME! oops, caps lock, but still very aweseome!