Broad Summit 2009 : Feminism 101

I was incredibly fortunate to be invited to The Broad Summit this past weekend and I've been asleep ever since.

I called Logan Friday night and said, "I just don't know how I'm going to talk this much for the entire weekend." And he said, "Uh, you went away on a weekend with 30-ish women, what did you think was going to happen?" I guess I thought we'd IM each other. But thankfully we did not IM each other because it's kind of crazy to laugh so much at a computer screen. But laughing (a lot) with a group of women sitting all around you, that's okay!

We gathered at Boon Hotel and Spa in Guernville, California and I arrived with Jenny, Laurie, Chris and Susan via a very nice Toyota Highlander that Toyota trusted us to drive around in. Now that the car is safely back in their possession I can tell Toyota about my pesky habit of wanting to drift off to sleep whenever I drive on a long stretch of monotonous highway or about how I have had one accident while actually driving my car but I tend to bash my car into non-moving objects while going 10mph or less. Thanks Toyota!

Let's see, I had a massage, had a skincare consultation, ate really good food, learned a lot about wine, tasted a lot of wine & consumed a lot of wine. I took a nap with two other women (less sexy than it sounds) and gave my pants to another woman (also less sexy than it sounds).

I learned more about how people are making their websites pay them for their hard work and was inspired to keep focusing on making this site what I want it to be, without giving away content or being taken advantage of by corporations who see blogs as a free advertising service.

No wonder I've been sleeping for the last 24 hours.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the nature of jealousy between women. How instead of trying to build each other up a lot of the time we seem to fall into a really ugly pattern of tearing down women we feel are more attractive, funny, friendly, successful, or whatever, than us. I see it on the internet, but I see it in my every day life even more often.

Recently I made a new friend, someone whose gregarious nature and love of having her picture taken really intimidated me. I even caught myself a couple of times resenting her ease in her own skin because I often feel so not at ease in my own skin and in front of the camera look incredibly hideous most of the time.

It dawned on me so clearly in that moment that while I can only be who I am, I can also choose to look at others and be inspired by their achievments, or sense of style, or personal drive, or sense of humor or ease in social situations. Or I can try to tear them down (mentally or by being bitchy and rude). I don't have to be someone I'm not, but admiring someone else for their talents doesn't minimize all the wonderful things about me.

I realize this sounds so simple and it is, and really all of this is not something we're entirely conciously aware of. But since I've realized this aspect of being a woman, I've wanted to hold all of my girlfriends closer and that makes me happy.

This weekend was an extension of that feeling and I'm incredibly grateful to Maggie, Laura, Aubrey and HelenJane for making it happen (with a little help from the Broad Summit Sponsors).

Most importantly, I did not catch my period from anyone.

(You can see a list of all the wonderful and inspiring attendees here and you can view other people's pictures from the weekend (because I was too busy picking my nose to take a lot of pictures) here.)

Comments

[brie]

Sounds like you had a great time. Your thoughts on jealousy are really well put. I find the irrational jealousy that seems to occur between two women infuriating. I especially hate when I catch myself in a spot of it. Over the years, I think I've learned to work through any pangs of jealousy in my head. Still, it's upsetting that woman-woman jealousy has become so ingrained (engrained?) in our culture. It's time we got over it and learned to appreciate each others accomplishments.

[minor catastrophes]

Melissa,
Oh gosh, how many times do I feel so utterly inadequate next to other women's beauty, talents and creativity? Thanks for the reminder, the gift of that wonderful statement:"...admiring someone else for their talents doesn't minimize all the wonderful things about me."

I'll have a better day for stopping by...

[Miss Elizabeth]

Accepting and honoring other people's talents has made it easier for me to accept, honor, and use my own. That's just a development that's happened in the last week (!!!), so this message is quite timely for me.

[Sundry]

Totally agree, and you stated it beautifully. On the flip side, though, I often see women accused of jealousy if they so much as disagree with another woman. Which is . . . yuck, demeaning.

We all need to sign waivers: I DISAGREE WITH YOUR POINT OF VIEW BUT I HARBOR NO JEALOUSY NOR ILL WILL TOWARDS YOUR PERSONAL CHOICES AND ALSO PLEASE HERE HAVE A HOMEMADE COOKIE IN THE NAME OF FRIENDSHIP.

[Kristen]

"I don't have to be someone I'm not, but admiring someone else for their talents doesn't minimize all the wonderful things about me."
Holy shit, this is so well put and so hard for me to remember.
I'm inspired to be a better person and friend by this post, so thanks Melissa!

[zan]

Well put, Melissa. We all need to think about this once in a while. I needed this. Thank you.

[die Frau]

I agree with all the other commenters--as women we do get jealous so easily and poison ourselves and others with it. At the risk of seeming repetitive, I love your comment that "while I can only be who I am, I can also choose to look at others and be inspired". I often forget that because I'm too busy putting myself down, comparing myself to others.

Glad you had a fun weekend and way to go on your moment of clarity. Thanks for sharing it with all of us; I needed it!

[Amy]

I also had a good weekend with beautiful women and one dear (beautiful, gregarious, comfortable-in-skin, special-in-o-so-many-ways) woman in particular said that she was envious of the relationship I have w/ my partner. I was shocked because I've always viewed envy as a bad thing (the whole cardinal sin thing) & she's so not a negative person. But then she said "No. It's not a bad thing. I'm using it as a goal for my own life. A manifestation technique. A calling in ceremony of sorts." WOW! Envy as a manifestation technique. Who knew?

[Stephanie]

"I don't have to be someone I'm not, but admiring someone else for their talents doesn't minimize all the wonderful things about me."
There's some advice you can give Maddie that she'll always remember.

[April]

AWESOME post. I often find myself comparing myself to other women and find myself lacking, so it's time to put an end to that (or at least start trying).

[kate]

Wonderful post, and what a great epiphany! To me, that's the best part of getting older is, gradually, oh so gradually, becoming more comfortable in my skin to the point of noticing and celebrating others' gifts without it detracting from my self worth. Sure, I have best friends who are thinner, funnier, more comfortable financially, whatever...but each of us brings something to the table that enriches each other's lives. And we love each other unconditionally.

It is a true gift to have a group of loving, supportive women friends who make us feel stronger and better after having spent time with them. Glad you've found yours. Your weekend sounds devine.

[HouseofJules]

Love this... and I love what Amy wrote about her friend using envy as a manifestation technique. I'll be trying that one on for size!

[Julie]

Well said. Thank you. Pithy I am of late.

[Michelle]

Joining everyone else in saying that this is my new slogan: "admiring someone else for their talents doesn't minimize all the wonderful things about me".

So useful as I embark upon my own site-building dreams, after years of comparing myself to talented ladies like the ones who attended the Broad Summit.

[Laura]

Well you look fabulous in those pictures, red really suits you. Your husband is one lucky mofo.

[LM]

I read your post and nodded furiously. Then I went over to the attendees page for the weekend and my mind immediately went "oh look at all the skinny pretty people who get free stuff."

Then I came back here to reread your post and hopefully shake it off.

Clearly, I still need work.

[Melissa Summers]

I'm not skinny but thanks for thinking that.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

On Oct 14, 2009, at 2:11 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[Bryan Mason]

It was so nice to see you. We miss you.

Love you,
.b

[Calamity Jill]

Many, many more women need to acknowledge their dislike towards one another as simple envy or intimidation.
And then buy the girl a drink and pick her brain.

[Kristin]

I very much enjoyed wearing your pants. Thanks again!

And I enjoyed this post - I've been guilty of the envy thing on numerous occasions and this is timely.

Wicked to see you again, lady.

[existentialwaitress]

Awesome post and so true. It's difficult to NOT to feel inadequate next to other women at times - it's a kind of cancer that eats away at you. Someone once told me that jealousy is a way of putting yourself down, and that really stuck with me. Thanks for the post - it made me think!

[Lynda]

Excellent post! You are right!
HAHA! My luck, I woulda caught my period!