Consequences.

I've hesitated to write about the current Roman Polansky "scandal" because I haven't been feeling very intelligent lately but I also wanted to be clear and concise in what I need to get out of me. Instead, you're going to get this I guess.

I'm assuming you all know about this thing. He raped a 13 year old girl in 1977 when he was 43. He admitted his guilt and when faced with jail time, because he raped a 13 year old girl orally, anally and vaginally, he fled the country.

I understand he had great personal tragedy in his life and it also appears from many accounts that the case was mishandled on quite a few levels. Unfortunate for Polanski, but moreso for his victim. The bottom line is raping a child will land you in prison. Or it should.

You can read the transcripts of the victim's grand jury testimony here.

I read this piece at The Village Voice and loved its tone. What Scorsese and All the Rest Know About Roman Polanski That Maybe You Don't.

And also this at Broadsheet, Reminder: Roman Polanski Raped a Child.

Everyone's had a lot to say about this and I really have no clever new take but obviously this has hit a major raw nerve for me, given my own story.

When I shared my story I was sent all kinds of support that applied another layer of salve to the wounds that inevitably linger after being a victim of sexual abuse. But there were also some disturbing (to me) emails explaining how weak my father must have been as a person, possibly abused himself and how the best thing to do was to find forgiveness in my heart for him. (Or things with that running theme.)

Or worse a person who lamented the fact that sex should be "kept private", implying that being raped by my father was an act of sexuality and not abuse.

And with that I think I understand why this Roman Polansky case has gotten so deeply under my skin.

I like to believe we've all come a long way in understanding rape and child abuse. I also spend a lot of time wondering why so many girls are still abused every single day.

When people tell me to empathize with my father I question whether we understand as a society how terrible rape is and that men, even troubled men are accountable for their actions. 

When someone tells me I should be ashamed to discuss the fact that my father raped and abused me I wonder if our society will ever stop confusing Sex and Abuse.

When powerful people in Hollywood tell the world that Roman Polansky shouldn't serve time in jail for raping a child....

I think I understand why little girls will always be at risk and it makes me furious.

Comments

[Teri Lynn]

Amen.

[Patty]

Melissa:
This post is the reason that I continue to read your blog and have given up so many other blogs (including some of those you list on your site): your honesty and courage. So many other blogs by women seem to be glib and clever just to try to keep me reading. You are so honest and funny and real about everything about your life--the good, the bad and the ugly. Please keep writing. You need a book deal!

[clearydistracted]

I can't believe there aren't more people furious about this situation. I can't wrap my head around it. Thanks for posting.

[rbiggs]

I knew that you would be able to put words to exactly how I was feeling about the whole Polansky situation. You are so honest and really say it how it should be said - REAL! Keep writing Melissa. You are right - Sex and Abuse should never be confused and neither should be brushed under any table. Both topics are currently much too taboo in our society.

[Cat]

What Patty said up there.

[Molly]

Long-time reader, first time commenter with nothing to add except a simple but ringing AMEN.

[jana]

Amen. And thank you for writing about it.

[Mikki]

I came across your blog goggling "tonsil removal" for adults. My 21 year old daughter is going to have her tonsils removed.

I just wanted to say I am so sorry for all of the insensitive remarks you have ever received. I am outraged that anyone would suggest you should empathize with your father. Really? That is sick! I am outraged someone would suggest you should be ashamed of a crime someone committed against you. I am outraged anyone is trying to defend your father by calling him "weak". Really? O my gosh, what is wrong with people.

I cry with you and all abuse you have had.

I rarely read blogs but I am glad I came across yours. You are a courageous woman and I bet you are a great mom.

I hope you will one day you will have complete heart healing. That is what I will pray for you.

P.S. your last statement about Hollywood and risk for little girls. . . so true.

One more thing, I hope you don't mind, Jackie Kendall is an author that has helped me a lot. She was abused by her father and has good insight to healing. Her web-site is jackiekendall.com Power to Grow Ministries She understands the absolute need to grieve before healing can take place. And that healing is a life long process. Hope this is helpful.

Another P.S. I would be very proud of you if you were my daughter :D

Mikki

[amy]

I hope he gets his punishment. He so deserves.

I was not raped by my father but by my boyfriend at the age of 13. I was pressured in countless ways by him and finally when he brought the subject up to my best friends (who were all sexually active). I was shamed into having sex at the age of 13. I look at my daughters who are soon to turn 12 and cannot imagine them doing similar.

Why not? Because they were raised in a loving home where they are very encouraged and made to feel special, loved. A home where they can discuss anything with me and expect an honest answer. Bottom line is they are being raised in a home that loves and treasures them for being exactly who they are. They have been raised to respect themselves and speak up when they do not agree.

Thankfully all great kids who deserve the praise.

So sorry for what you went through with your father. So sick and twisted. You deserved better Melissa, you really did.

[Kizz]

People really said you should be ashamed to talk about being abused? I mean, seriously...I...I know that it's the internet and I shouldn't be surprised by any answer that comes out of people's typing fingers but...well, you don't need to tell me how flipping wrong that is. Wow.

[Kimberly]

Well, I know who's work I will not be watching ever again. I don't give money to people that justify the rape of children.

[bridget]

some people are crazy, that this is even something to debate is just nuts to me. please keep telling is your story, cause it speaks to my journey!
blessings!
bridget mckee

[amie]

I couldn't agree with you more. Just cause I like a few of the guy's films doesn't mean he shouldn't pay for his crime. WTF? I really don't understand why people are so ambivalent about child abuse. What is wrong with people? It makes me sick. To me, hurting a child is the worst crime and yet I think people caught with weed get heavier sentences. It just boggles my mind. I don't care what happened in their past. I don't care if they have special talents. They deserve the worst punishment possible.

[Alyce]

I agree.

I'll confess to wanting to throat/nut punch the people who sent you "forgive him" emails. You may think whatever you want to think and heal or not heal however you want to. But not because *I* said so. Because that's how it works. And you didn't need me to tell you that.

[Deb]

Thank you for writing this melissa - so well said (as always).

As a survivor of date rape (taking my virginity) I am forever shocked by the lack of consequences for rapists and abusers. People who repeatedly shoplift or are involved in drugs get worse jail time and more case follow through than sexual predators! There is no excuse EVER for violating that trust of a child.

I was wondering if you would ever consider writing about how you will (or do) address this topic with your daughter. I have 2 girls (4 1/2 and 6yo) and am so terrified for them and yet do not want to make them paranoid as they grow up. I know the subject of losing your virginity will come up some day and i dread that conversation because I do not have a positive experience to share. I want them to feel safe in this world and to grow up to date people with some sense of romance still and yet to have their guard up somewhat.

Just this week my daughter started her last term of school and they have swim class (in kindergarten - in Australia and it is hot) and teachers and parent helpers are not allowed in the dressing room. My daughter did not understand why and I talked yet again about her always being in charge of her body and that this was one way schools make sure no one is bothering her. she thinks it is about germs and i left it at that for now. I do not even know how to go there for that discussion.

Sorry so long - should have sent you an email.

keep up the fantastic writing - i look forward to your all too infrequent posts.

[Lindsey]

Melissa,

You are an excellent writer, you hit the nail on the head. It is ridiculous for anyone to tell you how you should feel towards your father. It really shines through in your writing how you are doing everything in your power to give your children the childhood that they so rightly deserve, that you had taken away from you. They are so blessed, and will one day read your blog and be so grateful.

[Sally]

Amen, sister.

[Carrie]

You are so brave. Thank you.

[Heather Jamieson]

Melissa, the Polanski story, your story, make me so angry I could spit bile.

I worked in mental health for a very long time, as an EEN, often within high security facilities imprisoning offenders such as Polanski & your father. Yes, there is often a mental illness behind these crimes, tragic circumstances, whatever. If knowing that, understanding that, helps some people who have been abused find a degree of healing or closure, more power to them. My personal view, however, is that no way, no fucking how, does it begin to excuse the abuse nor should those abused be EXPECTED to understand their abusers. I can look at an abuser clinically, can see that yes, they may have a mental illness, may have had tragic circumstances, but if one of them even remotely thought about touching my child it becomes absolutely fucking irrelevant. I would fight tooth & nail for them to never be allowed near society again, ever.

For someone to tell you you should understand your father, should give him forgiveness, should be ashamed to talk about what happened ... ? Who the fuck do they think they are? What the fuck would they know about who you are or what you need to do for you? And it is ALL about what you need to do for you, nobody else.

As for Polanski? I am repulsed to my core by his lawyers saying his arrest is "an appalling way to treat a 76 year old". Oh really? Because his "treatment" of a 13 year old girl was ::: insert acid sarcasm here ::: such a stellar example of upholding human rights & dignity after all.

As for Hollywood? WTF? What's the message there? That as long as you make some great movies (most of which were made during years he should be BEHIND BARS) & achieve fame that you have absolutely no accountability, should do whatever you damn well please? Even if what pleases you is drugging another human being then raping & sodomising them? Their calls of support, their petition makes my skin crawl, makes me shudder with anger & fear that they could be so horribly & tragically misguided, so far from even beginning to understand how appalling their actions in signing that petition are, too. It is beyond comprehension.

I hear your anger. And I think it's a pretty fucking appropriate response.

[Beth]

Enough said. Thank you for saying it.

[ailo]

Thank you for sharing your story. All I can say right now is "YES" out of gritted teeth.

[Jess]

You are all kinds of strong, Melissa. I really admire your honesty and courage. Keep on truth-telling. I love your writing and I wish you well!

[J]

Hollywood and all the Rich and Famous for that matter are notorious for sweeping things under the rug when it pertains to them. The same crimes they commit are not subjected to the same consequences as the rest of us. It has always been that way, sadly. He should pay for his crime, period.

Sadly though, I will disagree with you regarding your abuser. I was abused several times, for several years, by my stepfather, stepbrother and a neighbor all before I was 13. However, at this point in my life, 45, I do not consider myself a sexual abuse victim, or a sexual abuse survivor. Forgiveness really never has anything to do with the abuser (of any crime, not just sexual - but even the hurt caused by say, a friend) Forgiveness is relinquishing the power they have over you, moving on, moving past, I think as long as you hold on to the hurt, anger, victim, they are still abusing you. (Just my thoughts) I personally do feel sad for my abusers, how sad the life they must have had to hurt a child. My stepfather is dead, so forgiving him was something I did even without his knowledge. I wish the rest of them well in life. My life today is full and happy, a great husband, two fun kids, a "normal" life. This is because what they tried to take from me, they could not. I can speak open and honest about it in any situation because it holds no shame for me, no power. I moved past, forgave them, and did not let it define who I was, who I am. I wish you well in that.

[Shannon]

Amen, Melissa! I'm with you 100%.

[Jodi]

I've been reading your blog for a couple of years and have never commented before. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. There was sexual abuse in my extended family and those wounds never heal, they may get better with time but never really heal. Your father stole a portion of your sole and he should never be forgiven for that. It breaks my heart that you've had negative comments regarding your story, those people are just plain ignorant and selfish.

[bonzai]

Thank you, Melissa. Hollywood has tried to gloss over this case for decades. You, and the sources you cited, have it right.
He is a rapist. He is a child abuser. He is a sexual predator.
I pray for the day when crimes against humans carry higher penalties than crimes against property. These people are broken. They cannot be rehabilitated. They do not belong among us, once they have been identified.
You are amazing and brave. Keep telling your story, keep getting stronger.

[Karen]

Thank you, Melissa. You are such a strong and brave woman and I think that you are doing the right thing by talking about this. Two of my sisters were abused by their father and I can't even tell you how that has affected their lives. It makes me sick that anyone could do this!

[Sarah Brown]

Everything I read about someone standing up for Polanski blows my mind. I cannot fathom that for some people, this rage is somehow optional. No.

[Slim]

Thank you.

[Cindy Ericsson]

You should be furious. The bottom line is that in both your situation & the Polanski case, an adult used his power to harm a child. I'm sure your dad had pain in his own life (as did Roman Polanski), but he was still the adult, the one with the power AND the responsibility in the relationship.

[Jen]

You're strong, courageous and absolutely right about this situation. Thank you for your honesty, for sharing your story and for standing up against this insanity.

How anyone can feel this man deserves a pass simply because he is talented is beyond me. I ask anyone who sympathizes with Roman Polanski to drop off their daughters and grand-daughters at Polanski's house for the weekend. Let me know how that works out for ya....

Thanks Melissa...as usual, you are insightful and honest and that's why I keep coming back day after day.

[Krys]

I agree with *everything* you said in this post.
I've heard Polanski's victim has "come to terms with what happened" and that she's advocating the charges be dropped. I'm GLAD that she's come, with the help of therapy, to a place in her life as an adult that she doesn't think of it every moment of every day. She says when it hits the news media she and her mom and her family are under the public spotlight again.
BUT, that said, what kind of example is she setting for the young girls in her life? It's okay to "let" someone rape you when you're 13 'cause after some therapy (and an undisclosed monetary settlement), you'll be okay anyway?
Come on. He raped her. He admitted he raped her. He spent time in prison. He should have spend MORE time in prison. He left the country to avoid further punishment. He should be returned to the US and sent to jail. I don't care if his case was mis-handled in any way. He admitted his guilt. I don't care if they mis-handled his case or not.
My heart bleeds for any woman who has been abused and/or raped by a man. No one should be allowed to get away with this crime.

[ella]

AMEN sister, AMEN!

[kate]

My husband is French, so we watch the French news every night. Of course, they have talked about this... And then I nearly choked when later on, they talked about another story where they caught a guy who did thing x y and z to a 13 year old and people were so outraged. I couldn't believe that they didn't see the two stories as related. People are saying they object to the WAY they brought him in, not that they did. I say BULLSHIT. If it had been an unknown, this would have been a victory to finally nab him.

[Angela]

When someone tells you that you should be ashamed, they're either guilty in some way or too embarrassed and ashamed themselves. It's about them and not you, even though they're trying to make you own their shame.

[Vegas710]

YES. yes. yes.
I'm stunned and disgusted that there is any controversy surrounding this at all.

[Melissa Summers]

J: I think you should find your own way. But I think, as a society, we are not angry enough.

I also have a full and (mostly) happy life. And I have achieved all that I have by remaining hopelessly angry at people who hurt children.

On Oct 6, 2009, at 9:25 AM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[Sharon]

I am still so stunned by the comments of his supporters. I couldn't imagine what reason someone would give in support of a man who raped a child, but I had to read anyway. His crime is absolutely sickening and the fact that he has lived free for all these years just astounds me. How could anyone demand his immediate release? Because he is an artist, because he made great movies? He ruined someone's life.

[Emily]

Well said. Very well said.

[Jennifer]

I don't know that I have ever posted here before, but I had to today to say I agree with every single thing you said. I too was a victim of my father. I posted my own experiences at my blog, and thankfully have gotten only supportive comments, but that hasn't always been the case when I have told people in my life.

I'm sorry you've had to go through this as well. Thank you for speaking out and sharing your story.

[msh]

Yes.

[Nicole]

When a supposed friend molested me several years ago, other supposed friends said I should be ashamed about bringing up what happens in the bedroom. I was told by adults and my peers that it wasn't appropriate to discuss what he and I did. As if it were a case of what we had done.

There was no we.

There was a he. And what he did was sexually assault me. What he did was molest and then try to rape me.

What I did was try to find safety. What I did was try to find help.

There is a huge difference between sex and abuse.

Shame is something survivors of abuse and assault deal with for years and years. Shame. Guilt. Terror. Fear. Self-loathing.

People say, don't blame yourself. But how can we not? When we live in a society that blames us for being victims.

Thank you. So much. For writing this blogpost.

[kate]

I have to say, I can not just jump on the "Polanski should fry" band-wagon.

First let me say this: I am also a survivor of sexual abuse. I think that people (especially parents) who molest/rape their children should be strung up by their balls and I don't give a shit *why* they did it, nor do I think they should be forgiven.

The thing with Polanski, though, is that a) he did not know she was 13; he thought she was 17 or 18 because she had told him so, and, if I recall correctly, so did her mother. b) this happened during the era of hippie southern California parents who looked the other way (or sometimes encouraged) as their kids drank, smoked and had sex too young. This is not to say it was right in any way, but the boundaries were not as clearly defined then. The social mores were much different than they are today.

I mean, in this day and age, what parent would ever allow their 13 year old daughter to "photographed" or whatever the hell he was doing by a well-known Hollywood producer without being present the entire time??

I just don't think this case is nearly as clear-cut as calling it "child rape".

[Becky]

You're such a great person Melissa.

[Constance]

Thank you. I don't think I could appropriately convey how much I agree with every word you wrote.

To Heather Jamieson - yes, yes, yes!

[Phil]

Great writing Melissa, as usual. But you're a little off-topic with this case. Didn't you read what Whoopi had to say: it wasn't really rape-rape. See here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/2009/sep/29/roman-polanski-whoopi-goldberg

Time to move on, I guess.

[sarah]

Good for you for standing up for other people, for raising 2 confident and happy children, and for being a partner in a loving marriage. I often read your blog & wonder how you do it all - you are a very strong & special woman.

[Melissa Summers]

Kate:
I very strongly disagree with you.

I have never read anything about Polanski being lied to about her age.

I also disagree that boundaries were not clearly defined. Parents look the other way all the time, even today and it never means it's okay.

This sounds too much like blaming the victim.

I'm not even sure the man needs to go to prison now, but at the very least he should not be revered, that's what I find so troubling.

On Oct 6, 2009, at 1:00 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[Constance]

@ kate -- she said "no" repeatedly both verbally and physically. That is the only detail that matters, both legally and morally.

@ J -- I have the utmost respect for you and for you sharing your experience. While I understand your perspective, I disagree with counseling any suvivor on forgiveness. The definition of forgiveness is absolution. Releasing the power an experience or a person has over you and your life can occur without absolving an abuser of their actions or the harm they have caused. I wish every survivor support in whatever healing process they choose -- be it forgiveness or knowing that it is perfectly okay to say it this was horrific and undeserving of forgiveness, but it and the abuser does not have power over me.

[Jesse]

Hey Kate,

Samantha's mother is not at fault here. A 42-yr old man who, over the course of several days, groomed a child for sexual assault, is.

She "looked older", "asked for it", "what else did she expect?" were the defenses clung to by Polanski and his friends. Typical responses from a rapist and his rape apologist friends to distance themselves, to put the blame on someone younger, female, someone with no power.

And, what are you saying: that being 17 means one is "ready" for anal rape? What Roman Polanski did to Samantha was terrible no matter what age she was - the reason that people with any compassion or intelligence condemn him so roundly is because we detest the thread that runs through our culture that says sexual access to women of any age is a male right.

[kate]

I do remember reading, many years ago (I believe it was a Vanity Fair article but I could be wrong) that he was told that she was "of age" because they (she and her parents) wanted her to get work in Hollywood. Of course, just because it was written does not make it true.

Don't get me wrong, if she was saying no, then by all means it was rape, and therefore unforgivable and should be punished, whatever her perceived age. In no way am I blaming the victim or her parents. I mentioned her parents simply to remind others that, as I said, social mores were different then.

My opinion is simply that I can not say, with certainty, that Roman Polanski deserves to fry. This is not a cut-and-dried rape case.

Also worth noting is that the victim herself does not want the case pursued. It is easy for us (espeically those of us who are victims of rape/abuse ourselves) to be outraged and call for his prosecution, but her privacy and wishes should be considered.

[Deanna]

I don't think there's any way that someone who hasn't been sexually abused can ever truly understand the sense of shame and violation it leaves behind in the victim. I suppose that acceptance and forgiveness are the healthiest responses, but it's awfully hard to actually do.

[Melissa Summers]

Kate:

He doesn't need to fry, we don't kill child rapists.

However he deserves disdain for his actions and probably should have served time in jail.

So many rape cases aren't "Cut and Dried" especially when we look away from the core issue of the case. An act of sexual abuse was perpetrated on a child.

On Oct 6, 2009, at 2:18 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[sooboo]

Kate - it sounds like you haven't read the victim's grand jury testimony. It was a clear cut case of child rape. What he did was not consensual or defendable in any way.

[MelissaS]

deanna:

I disagree "acceptance and forgiveness are the healthiest responses".

I think whatever response allows a victim to live their life is the healthiest response.

My mother forgave and accepted my father's actions within a week of learning of them. Not healthy. But it was easier for her than to be angry.

I happen to be capable of peace for myself and my pain and angry that men do such terrible things to children.

[rachael]

I am stunned, repulsed, horrified and let down that ANYONE is standing up for this admitted pedophile. Every time I read an article that tries to defend the guy or play down his guilt, I just lose a little more of my sanity. I cannot fathom how ANYONE can condone this.

The part the really tears me apart is, as stated in court documents, that he asked her where she was in her cycle. When she said a week or two into it, that's when he started sodomizing her!

Great post Melissa. We love you!

[echo]

Can I get an amen! Raping a child is a crime...period. I don't understand the outrage at his arrest, except for the fact that it took f---ing long! Especially some in Europe who see this as an example of prudish and imperial American behavior. Give me a break. Spend that pent up energy helping victims and working to prevent rape and other forms of sexual abuse.

[Kate in Ohio]

I was disturbed by the lack of outrage before I went and read the transcripts. Now that I have done that I am not sure there are words to describe how angry I feel. This girl went through unspeakable terror and pain. How anyone could think that this is not a big deal is incomprehensible to me. Nobody should get to take someones soul and get away with it.

Melissa, you are so special to have gone through what you did and still be able to have a loving relationship with your husband and be a mother to some pretty normal kids. Whatever it takes to get you to where you are is nobody's business but yours.

[Sugared Harpy]

Melissa, thank you. THANK YOU.

Kate, it IS a cut and dried rape case because it has been tried in court, he admitted it, was sentenced for it. Whether you think she was 13 or 33, repeatedly saying no, screaming no, crying no, and getting raped in every way possible way makes it fucking rape. Cut and dried.

[kate]

Ok, Ok! I'm an ass! Clearly I haven't read the testimony; I will get my hands on it ASAP. In fact when I stated my opinion, I failed to remember that the case actually had gone to trial and he was found guilty by a jury of his peers. Now he needs to be a man and face his punishment.

Mea culpa!

[Amira @ DefineMature.com]

Firstly, wonderful post and so perfectly put, so thank you

Secondly, he and those who support him should have their balls ripped off.

violently.

[Melissa Summers]

He pleaded guilty in a plea deal.

You can read the testimony here if you're inclined.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/polanskicover1.html

You truly are welcome to your opinion but some of your opinion wasn't based on what happened.

On Oct 6, 2009, at 4:18 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[Phil]

Amira, I just want you to know that I am not and never was a supporter for Polanski or anyone who has done anything even remotely similar or even stood next to such a person or talked to or breathed on or was breathed on by any of the said persons herein. Just in case I ever in any way meet you or are in the same room, or for that matter the same state as you, I just want to be clear about this and make sure you do not mistake me for being any of the said persons so that I might be able to keep my balls and not have them violently ripped off of me. I can sign a notarized paper if you need further assurance. Yeesh!

[Eleanor]

Wow...
You blew me away today.
You are one amazing lady.
And I'm glad you stated your opinion on Polansky.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, and I wish more people would just say what they think without giving a shit about everyone else.
Bravo!

[libby]

I find this man so utterly detestable that it is hard to find words strong enough. But let's set that aside for a moment. What has really brought the bile to my throat lately is the way so many Hollywood people are calling for his release. Apparently, you can get away with raping a child so long as you have talent or the ability to bring in $$$.

I move for a boycott. I for one don't want to fund his continued success at evading the punishment he so deserves.

Proud of you for speaking up. Between this and the bombshell Mackenzie Phillips dropped on Oprah, it is getting harder for people to ignore this terrible crime being committed every day.

[Grammar Snob]

Melissa,
I have so much respect for you for writing this.

[Ashley, The Accidental Olympian]

I have been wondering the SAME EXACT THING. I kept thinking I must be missing information, or reading articles wrong to hear so many figureheads speak about how he shouldn't be 'punished' for something that happened so long ago.

Raping a child is always raping a child. I don't care how long you've run from what you did, it doesn't make it less horrific.

[Sandra]

Sexually abusing a child IS a crime! It's not something that should be pushed under the rug. Or ignored due to time passing since the sexual abuse.

I was molested by my father as a very young child until a teen. When he finally moved out, and on to his next victims.

As a teenager, I told a few family members what happened to me, that I felt I could trust. They believed me.

It wasn't until my father was dying, and I was in my 40s, that I confronted him and all of his family with his sexual abuse of me. I told all of his family, who had previously excused him of the horrid physical and mental abuse he put on others they knew about, that he had sexually abused me.

This was his time to admit it before he died.

He denied the sexual abuse.

Extended family members told me I was lying. Or that I should get over whatever I thought I went through.

I found out he sexually abused his younger sister as a child many times.

I found out his brother, my uncle, also sexually abused children in the family.

[Lexi]

Please keep in mind that little boys are raped too, and ALL rapists need to pay for their crime, even women.

On a personal aside, if you haven't already I highly recommend the book "The Shack", it helped me understand forgiveness a lot more. Forgiveness isn't about forgetting or giving someone an excuse for what they have done. It also helped me understand how "God" can "allow" these things to happen.

[kimberly/tippytoes]

Thank you for writing this.

[Melissa Summers]

Yes I know that happens but our society permits a lot more violence against women and so I've chosen to focus on that in my short post.

The Shack made me angrier than ever.

I will never be religious. Spiritual, yes. Religious, no.

Sent from my iPhone

On Oct 6, 2009, at 10:29 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[Mister-M]

Yes I know that happens but our society permits a lot more violence against women and so I've chosen to focus on that in my short post.

Since when? When exactly did "society" start "permitting more violence against women?"

The reality is, society does more and spends more and advertises more about violence issues against women than any other special interest group.

I don't mean to get sidetracked from the issue in the original post - and that is the FREAK, sicko that is Roman Polanski. But my ass never ceases to get chapped when I see ridiculous comments like, "society permits violence against women." It does no such thing. Just look at the media. Just look at which gender is predominantly on the front lines. Just look at which gender gets billions in federal funding for violence against them to the almost complete exclusion of men and boys.

Then come back and try to say that "society permits" violence against women with a straight face.

[kt]

I dreaded walking in the door to my house also...

[Holly]

Melissa, I want to apologize. I don't know if I was one who suggested perhaps your father was abused or that you should find forgiveness for him.... But it certainly sounds like something I might THINK, so I pray for your forgiveness, whether or not it actually came out. To explain, sometimes I have diarrhea of the mouth (or fingers in the particular case of the internet). Also, I know that I personally had a beyond-difficult time living with the hatred I felt toward a parent due to abuse and denial of abuse. In forgiving (is it really that? perhaps just letting go of the hatred toward a person) that parent, I have been able to move on with my own life without the weight of hatred. It doesn't change how much it does hurt and how much it altered my entire life - particularly the abuse part, in a way that can make me want to scream at times.

All that to say I'm sorry. The reality is, what you went through was heinous and unacceptable in the worst way. The fiery depths of hell are not enough punishment for someone who harms a child. And that child should, at the very least, witness justice served and that their abuser/rapist would be held fully accountable.

[lynne]

Whoa. Seriously, this post takes my breath away. Huge love to you Melissa. What else can I say.

(other than Mister M, you're wrong. I'm sorry. Take a women's studies class please. Violence against women is everywhere.)

[Dorothee]

Melissa, thank you sharing the link to the Village Voice. I agree with you wholeheartedly. And I admire your personal strength that shows in every post you write, the entertaining, the informative and the somewhat annoying ones. That's why I keep coming back to your blog ...

[Melissa Summers]

Mr M, your email and URL say it all.

Sent from my iPhone

On Oct 6, 2009, at 11:28 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[CinDC]

I have always been intrigued by society's need to find the "perfect victim"--the chaste, humble, preferably white woman--who is deserving of our pity and compassion, to the exclusion of other, less perfect victims. Who cares what the victim's mother may or may not have said or done? Who cares how the victim was dressed? Why must we find ways to qualify the criminal act? Why must our first instinct be to deny that such an act could happen the way it was reported? What Polanski did, what your father did, is outrageous and terrible. There is no room for "but he thought..."

Also, the "billions of dollars in federal funding" (really? show me the receipt and I'll take it to the two DV orgs here in DC that are about to close due to lack of funding) bestowed upon DV groups assisting women only begins to rectify a power dynamic between men and women, men and girls, that has existed in some form or another for centuries. When I can let my guard down walking home alone at night, when there is no need for pepper spray, when fathers and uncles and family friends stop putting their hands on girls, then we can talk.

Advocating zealously for an end to abuse and violence against women and girls is no less worthy a cause simply because other atrocities exist in this world.

[Lisa V]

Melissa, this is a great piece on Polanski. http://www.thenation.com/blogs/anotherthing/479379/roman_polanski_has_a_lot_of_friends

[annie]

Well written! Thank you for speaking the words that I am not able to write and for formulating well-written, sensible thoughts on this issue, as my own rage over the insanity of this makes me speechless.

[Visty]

I watched Little House on the Prairie religiously, and then cried after every episode, because I wanted to be Laura.

[Erin]

Thanks for writing this. No more, no less.

[halloweenlover]

Amen to everything you said. And shame on any commenter that makes you feel bad, you could never be to blame for anything. You do whatever will make you feel better, and help you to find peace every day.

[Heather Jamieson]

@ CinDC: EXACTLY. Well said.

[Mister-M]

Yes, the old Duluth Model fiction and "power wheel" BS that has been debunked countless times.

Don't let my minority voice in this post stop anyone from propagating such mythology.

The main issue is the notion I originally called into question was "society permits violence against women" when the truth is plain as day...

Well, that is except as depicted by women's studies classes and other radical feminist propaganda.

Violence against anyone should be abhorred. Women don't have the market cornered as victims of domestic violence and men certainly don't have the market cornered as perps.

Truth hurts, except for those who refuse to face it. Women are violent, use power to manipulate and oppress, and *GASP* perpetrate domestic violence, too!

[Dayna]

I'm not always in agreement with you, Melissa.. I walk a strange and independent political line, but you are spot on with this. I can not for the life of me, wrap my brain around why anyone, AN-Y-ONE would excuse this man's actions. A thirteen year old is a practical baby and just.. no. NO. He's a criminal, plain and simple and deserves prosecution not only for the rape but for fleeing justice for so many years.

[Heather Jamieson]

Mister-M, nowhere here is anyone downplaying violence against another human being, irrespective of gender. Of course men & boys suffer from abuse & violence, too, and it is no less horrific than when females do. I don't think anyone is trying to diminish that.

It feels as if you, however, are trying to diminish Melissa's point of view, & that of others, because they didn't include the abuse of males specifically in the post & comments. This post is obviously a topic very close to Melissa's heart, which is why her focus has understandably & reasonably taken a particular focus. You have a blog where you write from your particular focus &, with no disrespect intended to you, you come across as quite disrespectful that you are not recognising Melissa's right to do the same within her own blog. You aren't coming across as someone interested in intelligent discussion or mutually enlightening debate, but rather as unnecessarily defensive. Of course women are sometimes perpetrators, too, of course that's abhorrent. This post, written by someone with an understandably heavy heart about a very specific situation, & the attached comments doe not even begin to negate that.

(Melissa, I apologise if my comment here, mentioning you, feels presumptuous in any way).

[Heather Jamieson]

**do** not **doe** :)

[Lisa]

Melissa,
Great post. I completely agree with you about Polanski and admire and appreciate the courage and honesty of your posts.

Mr. M.: That is one of the sorriest fucking excuses for a website I have ever seen. You're a bitter, pathetic, obviously mentally imbalanced person yourself who has no room to talk about his "psycho" ex wife. Go crawl back under that rock.

[Sher]

I thank you. I'm 48, at the time, I was 13, he was 27, "nice" friend of the family, part time pastor, etc etc. Doesn't matter. I live with it still, on a daily basis. I thank you for having the courage to voice it. Therapy didn't help, just a lifetime of depression, I pray for you, please do the same for me.

[JMH]

And this is why I HATE "Hollywood" and all of their crap. They seriously live on a different planet that most normal human beings.

Good post and you have a lot of courage.

[Teri Lynn]

Mr. M,

A quick search shows this:

http://www2.ucsc.edu/rape-prevention/statistics.html

91% of rape victims are female. 9% are male. 99% of rapists are male. This is why you hear so much more about female victims. There are more stories being told.

Once it happens, it's much more likely to happen again. This speaks towards the victim AND the perpetrator.

My suggestion to you is to start your own "End Violence Towards Men" campaign to push awareness. This can work alongside an "End Violence Towards Women" campaign. It's not one or the other, you know. Neither is detrimental to the success of the other. Though you might want to keep it separate from your "My Psycho Ex Wife" site if you want credibility.

But on this site, people are talking about specific instances. There's no need to take offense unless you find yourself wrongly accused. Nobody's accusing you here.

[rora]

I totally agree with you, Melissa.

[Mister-M]

Yes, and of course comes the cussing and cat-calling. Because my talking about abuse at the hands of my ex-wife makes me "less credible" than what's going on here.

I'm not diminishing what SB has experienced or talks about. I'm not claiming that anyone accused me of anything.

I'm simply made a point of saying that society doesn't "permit" the abuse of anyone, let alone women.

But of course that would never stop the cyber-bullies from going off on tangents and attacking the messenger. It won't change the reality that abuse perpetrated by anyone should be condemned. Claiming that society "permits" it to be perpetrated against women is absurd.

Good luck trying to justify that.

[Melissa Summers]

When powerful people stand up and tell the world it wasn't "rape, rape" they are in essence minimizing the violence.

Sorry Mr M. no name calling or cyber bullying here. You have an agenda feel free to promote it on your site. Good bye.

On Oct 8, 2009, at 7:53 PM, typepad@sixapart.com wrote:

[Heather Jamieson]

No, Mr M, YOU have damaged your valid point that ALL violence & abuse is abhorrent by presenting it in such an unwise & inappropriately placed (aggressively within this post's comment section) way. Good luck with trying to find a way to express your view without crushing that of others or without treating everyone, who doesn't mention (in their very specific post close to THEIR heart) the abuse of men specifically, as sexist. Find a way to toot your horn more appropriately & take off the blinkers. It's not all about you. Goodbye.

[Traca]

I have just recently been able to talk openly about the sexual abuse I endured from my step brother when I was 11. It took 25 years of personal reflection, counseling and anger to be able to understand it was not my fault. I did not ask for it. I do not have to forgive him. I will never forget it.

I am so sick of the forget it and get over it mentality of our society. I don't want to get over it! I want to be fucking pissed. I want to scream and yell and kick his ass. I want my virginity back. I want to be able to give that gift and share that moment with a man I love. I want for 5 minutes of my life, not to remember the years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse I went through.

I am not a drug addict, nor have I continued the cycle of abuse. I can understand how people go to that next level. I understand wanting to numb the pain and the memories. I can understand abusing someone else because you think life is unfair. Maybe if you pass on the abuse, you can give the pain away. I know it does not work that way, but I can see where stupid fucking morons would think that.

I don't know where I am going with this, I just know that I am still angry. I think people who abuse children should die. I don't care their age or their reason. They should die. Part of me will be dead for the rest of my life, but he gets to go on with his life without consequence. I just don't think that is okay. Right?

[Tracy]

Thank you for the links, Melissa. I'm going to send them to my sister, who thought the Polanski crime was "no big deal" because "Angelica Houston was there, and she said the girl looked like she could be anywhere from 13 to 26." Ooooohkay. She looked like she might be legal or might not be. Of course that means it's appropriate to give her sedatives and alcohol and then force yourself upon her while she's saying "please stop." Right.

[Ann]

Thank you for this.

[Liam's Grandma]

You should not have had to endure that. No child should. It is hard, so hard to realize and recognize that so many children go through this type of thing. My mother did. My cousin did. It is wrong. So wrong. As a society, we need to work together to help these children.