Why I should have gone to bed at 5:30 last night

Yesterday evening around 4:45 I sat down to check email on my phone and fell into a 20 minute coma. It was really a nap but the nap was so delicious it felt like I imagine some controlled substances feel. When I woke up all I wanted to do was get back into that place, I suppose you could say I was feeling a little like a junkie, for sleep.

I couldn't go back to sleep however because it was Curriculum Night at Max's school. Curriculum Night is the night you hear about all the things your kid is going to do that year and then you feel the crushing guilt that comes when all your best pals are Super Mothers and you're hesitantly signing up to drive for a field trip here and there.

I tried to silence my guilt in a cup of coffee from McDonalds.

I often say things that don't make sense, this is one of the prime reasons I avoid the phone like it has syphilis. I just can't be sure what I'll say.

As I walked around the classroom last night to find Max's desk, I realized someone new was sitting in his spot. I thought it was odd and so I joked, 'Are you adopting Max?'

He realized his mistake, laughed and began to move across to his daughter's desk.

IT COULD HAVE ALL ENDED THERE.

I like to tease my mother about (a lot of things) how when there's nothing to say she fills the silence with what ends up being nonsense. Like, for example, this inexplicable conversation at a restaurant.

Browsing the menu together.
Her: "Hey, look Meliss'! Philly cheese steak!"
Me: "Yes...there it is."
(Note: I have never expressed any opinion about a philly cheese steak sandwich pro or against.)

It would appear I have inherited this desire to fill silence with words and I have the added skill of making everything really awkward.

As the innocent father in this story moved to his own seat, I added, "Ha ha! I thought for a minute Max had a new dad and I was like, Yay!"

???????????????????????????

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so either worst pick up line, ever, ("I'm looking for a new baby daddy.") or I just implied I don't like my kid.

Both just excellent!

Obviously I should have just gone to bed.

Comments

[Lily]

*really REALLY awkward* would have been if you had hugged him... so there's that. :D

I have the same tendency (fill silence with babbling when I feel nervous or awkward). It's like a tic - I can't stop it, and I hear the words coming out of my mouth and think STOP! STOP! But they don't.

[Lula]

Don't feel like the Lone Ranger, I say things that I instantly wish I hadn't said DAILY.

[Mitzi]

Girl, I'm with you. I say stupid stuff all day every day - and then forget what I said.

[Naomi]

Yes, VERY awkward -- but it made me literally LOL.

[The Bug]

I used to work in HR & one day I told an employee, "oh, I was just thinking about you in the shower this morning." Oops! I really did think about him - I thought, I hope that idiot brings me the paperwork I need today.

[amie]

Awkward but terribly funny. I've inherited this same trait from my mom too.

[Sarah]

Today I managed to tell someone in a client's accounts department, to whom I'd never spoken before, that she had my invoice in her grubby little mitts. That was good.

[whoorl]

OMG, that is awesome.

[stacia]

OOOH HAHAHAHAHAHA god i'm so glad i'm not the only one who makes comments like that and then wishes they could crawl into a hole and die. lol great story!

[Abigail Carter]

Its those comments that are the ones that keep you up at night, causing you to fall asleep at your desk at 4:45. You are in good company!

[Jules]

Oh man, that's a good one. I don't volunteer much at my kids school either. But whenever a teacher requests extra supplies to bring in I'm right on it. A group of moms seem to fight over who can volunteer and enjoy keeping other people out. Work for free people, enjoy!

[Mrs Chaos]

Sometimes I feel like I should come with a disclaimer: Sarcasm used freely and often without hesitation.

It would save me from a lot of akward. Or I'd like to think it would.

[Wallydraigle]

Oh my gosh. Are you me?

[mythoughtsonthat]

Sometimes at night, I replay the stupid things I have said during the day over and over in my head. You think I would learn my lesson and keep my mouth shut the next day, but....sadly, no.

Peace.

[Molly]

I do it too. What really sucks is that about 18% of the time, I say something and it turns out to be hilarious, and the rest of the time, it's just weird. So I can't stop.

[Jen]

The worst part is when I say something stupid and then I try to backtrack or get out of it or otherwise deflect the attention away from it by saying something else and then....well, everything else that I say after that is 200% more stupid than what I originally said.

So yeah, I get it. :)

[Raz8]

I am a guy who used to do quite a bit of aerobics. There was a very attrractive lady in the class that I would chat with before class began. One day I was entertaining a client at lunch in a very upscale restaurant, and there was Diane, also entertaining a client. She was dressed nicely came over and said, "Aren't you going to say hello?" It took me a minute to place her, and then I blurted out, "Sorry Diane. I didn't recognize you with your clothes on...."

[bonzai]

It could have been worse. You could have awkwardly backed into another parent's car in the parking lot after the event.
Fun, fun, fun!

[Elizabeth]

My very lovely dad once asked a woman, at a party, when her baby was due. You got it...she wasn't pregnant. Ouch.

[Jennifer (Conversion Diary)]

As the #1 Google result for *socially awkward person*, I am allowed to laugh at this.

Also, I am delighted to have "???????? !!!!!!!" added to my writing repertoire to better capture people's responses when I try to interact with the public.

[Grekrs]

Hahahahahahahaha! I read this, moved on, and had to come back to comment because I am still laughing. Priceless!

I can relate to embarassing cirriculum night experiences. I just went to my first. My son's in kindergarten. I dutifully took my seat in his kindergarten sized chair. about 20 minutes into it I realized that sitting in a skirt in a kindergarten sized chair is a bad idea. I was flashing the whole room my undies. I thought you would appreciate that. Next time I will just take your husbands bike with me.

[Vanessa]

I have the opposite problem - I don't say anything and then people think I hate them. I don't really, I just forget that not everyone is as okay with silence as I am!

[Woman with Kids]

If it makes you feel better, it didn't sound to me like you didn't like your kid... more like you didn't like your husband AND you're looking for a new baby daddy. Can I take you out to the bars as my wing man?

[jenny s]

Its so funny to read other people's comments!!! We're all so much alike, I wish we all lived by each other, we could make stupid comments to each other and we'd all understand :)

[justcurious]

Could be worse. I say awkward things AND have a laugh that's too loud. That means any periphery folks who missed the wierd comment will still be able to get in on the action when the laugh makes their heads swivel around.

[Ry Sal]

it could have been worse - the statement could have become a conversation! my mom talks in a continuous mind flow..

[Miss Elizabeth]

It's okay that you get nervous around people. A lot of folks do. Poor sleepy Melissa!

Wishing you more quality naptime.

[Franca Bollo]

Your comment just seemed witty to me rather than awkward. Maybe I'm revealing an unfortunate side of my personality???? !!!!

I agree with Woman With Kids ... I thought it was an indictment of your husband not your son.

[Kat]

OMG. That is SO me. I have to remind myself all the time - silence is golden. Rather be thought of as quiet than screwy.

[Amira @ DefineMature.com]

Oh honey, been there done that.

Only in my case, sleep wouldn't have helped much.

[Emmy]

HAHAHA i love that story i just laughed pretty hard. particulary at the conversation with your mom about cheese steaks, and then max having a new dad. at least logan can relax knowing you won't be picking any guys up anytime soon! lots of love

[amy]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Most of us are socially inept! Really.

[bluejeanamy]

yes! this just made my day.

pretty much sums up *every* interaction i have on elevators. i am unable to keep my mouth shut in those things.

[Tiffany]

I am going to share this story even tho I wish I never happened.

My boss's daughter gave birth to a baby boy. It was about three months or so after the birth when she called the office to tell her mom she was coming by. I said, "Oh, are you bringing [said baby boy]?" And she said, "Oh yes!" And I said (I am blushing thinking about it) "Oh great! If I promise not to molest him, will you let me hold him?"

Why I said "molest" instead of, I don't know, ANYTHING ELSE, is beyond me. When she came to the office, she sat in the parking lot. Thankfully my boss has an awesome sense of humor and thought it was funny. Her daughter ... not so much.

[Tricia]

Oh my goodness.

(I know I'm late, but I just found you. And, this is funny. And makes me feel less alone.)