Authenticity

Years ago I read this quote: "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." It's been attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt, but that's disputed as well.

I don't actually care who said it, I've always gone back to it.

It's not that I never talk about people, of course I do, but when I spend more of my time with friends talking about people I feel like I just ate a giant bag of cheetos and my fingers are dyed orange and I can't get the stains off my hands. I feel gross and even though I've stopped eating the cheetos, I've got the reminder of my binge on my hand and I feel like a shitty person.

I'm not a fan of that feeling.

I find my relationships with other people most satisfying when our Idea/Event/People is 40% Ideas, 40% events and 20% people.

There are two things that are deal breakers for friendships in my world. Feeling that I'm giving more than I'm getting and feeling like I am complaining about a friend more than I'm not.

When that happens, I just don't feel good about myself.

This last week I decided both those things were true about a friendship in my life. Over time our friendship had changed and I was okay with that given that our personalities didn't always match up very well and I was getting out of the relationship what I was putting into it. Not very much.

But then she had a project going on and I felt like I was supportive and excited for her to be trying her hand at what will hopefully become her career after being out of the work world for years and raising a family. I volunteered, my husband volunteered, I lamented the changing of expectations at home when you go back to work, I felt like a cheerleader telling her happy I was she'd found her talent and was using it to start a career. I celebrated her success.

Then a couple of weeks ago I had some excitement in my own life. A front page article in the Free Press and a local radio interview I think I handled pretty well, especially considering it was over the phone and at 7:30am (early wake up + talking on the phone = BOO!) I was also given the opportunity to speak at a local-ish conference.

These were exciting for me because I've had some career goals in mind and one of those things is to be more locally known as a blogger in this genre.

I didn't hear a word of "way to go" or "nice job" or "how exciting" from this friend and after many emails to both Logan and I about various aspects of her project and reminding me of my volunteer duties coming up, without a word about any of the exciting things going on in my life. I realized, "Ouch. I don't like this."

And so I told her I didn't like it and we agreed it would be best if we moved forward expecting nothing from one another. 

Sounds civil enough, yes? Clear enough? Not angry or catty? A friendship that grew apart and finally ended when I realized I couldn't be my best self while letting this person under my skin and that I couldn't give anything when I didn't feel I was getting anything in return. 

And yet, the rest of my friends are all worked up about what this means. They feel put in the middle or like I've ruined the group or like I'm too difficult. People look scared of me even, patting my back and saying, "I'm worried about you." 

And I'm left sitting around my house alone on a Saturday night wondering what the answer is. Logan still volunteered because he a) doesn't like conflict and b) enjoys working his ass off for free. He's got a tattoo, it's a heart with a banner across it reading, "FREElance".

Is the answer to pretend to be friends? Is the answer to bitch or "vent" about someone who pushes your buttons behind her back and play nice to her face? It just doesn't seem right to me, doesn't make me feel like a good person and makes me feel, like I said, like I just snorted the dust out of the bottom of a bag of cheetos.

Ideally the answer would be to feel neutral about a person you no longer want to be friends with and let it fade away. This is much easier when they're not a part of your social circle and perceived to be in your core group of friends. 

A few years ago a similar thing happened with a friend. I realized I was increasingly talking about her behind her back and so much of what she said and did was grating and it wasn't just me who felt that way so of course I had a group of friends who were spending more than the healthy (for me) portion of time talking about this other person. Eleanor Roosevelt would be stunned at how very very small our minds were.

Finally I'd had it. I realized it wasn't just one thing this person did that she could maybe stop doing and we could get along. It was that her entire outlook on the world was in direct opposition to what I wanted in a friend. I told this friend enough was enough we couldn't be close friends anymore but if I see you around, I certainly don't want to be enemies. 

And again my circle of friends bristled. A friend's husband even called me to tell me I needed to try harder. That I was being silly! Other friends felt put in the middle, Logan thought I was being a terrible person.

I felt like a terrible person for keeping a friend I felt compelled to bitch and vent about every time I was around my girlfriends. After I "broke up" with her our friends would start to tell me the latest vent and I had to stop them. Not only did I not care anymore, if they were going to keep being friends with her I needed them not to talk about her behind her back because guess what? If people are talking about one person to you? They're talking about you to other people. [Word Of Wisdom for Maddie #5]

I'll admit it's undeniably awkward when you say something out loud that most people just let happen over time. Honesty makes people bristle, I've got the email to prove it!

But I don't know what the answer is. I've felt like shit about myself ever since. I've felt isolated from my group of friends, unsure what my social life is going to look like now that I've cut a big personality in our circle out of my core group of friends, Logan is mad at me because he hates conflict (boy did he marry poorly in that realm) and I'm bowing out of the Girls weekend I've been looking forward to since last year. 

I don't believe in knowing everyone or making sure everyone knows my name. I don't believe in inviting everyone to the party so no one thinks you're a bitch and I don't believe in having aspirational friends.

Certainly I don't want all my relationships to be at the same level. I don't expect or want every friendship I have to be "best-pal" quality. 

But I really just need all the relationships in my life to be authentic.

Comments

[Laura]

Good for you! I've gone through this a couple times myself and it's not fun or easy but it's completely necessary. I think it's important that people you can call "friends" are true friends without any complication.

[Mitzi]

I hear what you are saying. I feel for you in your situation and I hope it gets better. I don't know how it will - but I hope it does! Good luck.

[cj]

I admire your honesty. Stay strong and true to yourself. It's the best way to teach your children to do the same.

[susannah]

Good luck with this one. I won't even bother to offer advice. Besides the fact that advice on something so clearly personal is very likely to come off as assvice, but because you clearly know your own heart and that's what counts. I wish for you many circles of friends full of people who love you for exactly who you are - regardless of the actual depth and breadth of that friendship.

[Melissa]

I'm sorry you're not going to get to have your trip. But I can't see how being honest with yourself and others about what you want in a relationship - any kind of a relationship - could ever be a bad thing.

I hope with a little time things with the group will smooth over for you.

[homeslice]

this year has been a year of hard choices. i've also named 2010 the Year of Honesty because frankly at this point, what does one have to lose? i've been pretty direct with my friends, and i've also done similar things to your actions. if the friendship isn't working, end it. when women stay in bad relationships with men, we call it "emotionally abusive" or just plain "abusive" or to a lesser extent, "wastes of time". relationships with my girlfriends are often more intense and last quite a bit longer, so i almost take them more seriously (character flaw i know). i think you're right on. the social circle thing is hard, but when i announced my separation, my core group of friends threw me out on my ass. i was devastated, but in retrospect it opened up a whole new world for me. since then i've repaired a few of those friendships and permanently agreed to let go of the ones that were black holes for me. i wish the same for you. and i'm taking a page from your book and using your ratios because talking behind other's backs truly is a waste of time - and it makes me feel badly too.

[carosgram]

What an honest post!!! I feel your pain and confusion and have no answers for you. I know that Maddie#5 is soooo true! I'm dealing with a similar situation myself and am not sure how to handle it. Thinking of you and wishing you the best

[suzi]

I think it's pretty brave and bold of you to be so honest. I totally admire you for that. It's hard, I am sure, but not having to deal with the cattiness and fakeness of it all is worth it in the end. Move to MN, you can be part of my killer circle of friends--oh, would you fit right in! Go Melissa!

[Gabie]

This is something i've had problems with for sometime. It is so hard for me to make new friends. I am shy and awful at small talk. I am brutally honest. Sometimes to a fault I suppose but I am also sincere and real and loyal and caring and considerate. So fucking considerate and it bothers me so much and has cause so many tears when people who are supposed to be my friends do not show me the same consideration I show them. I don't know if it is somthing I should let go of or if it is somthing I should expect of any new friends I take into my life. Its a hard thing to figure out and I don't have the answer.

[Erin]

I second what the previous posters have all said. You did what was right for you. Time heals. Peace.

[Tricia]

I think one other universal truth is that "some things are better left unsaid."

I have to think that letting a friendship die a natural death vs. killing it dead would be easier for everyone with fewer hurt feelings and drama all around.

I can't help but put myself in her place, the new ex-friend. My blood pressure would rise upon reading this. I'd probably call Logan and tell him to just not volunteer. And, then I'd call our mutual friends and vent like hell about you because of how bad reading this made me feel.

So, we all have to do what we have to do, I guess. But, I don't think you necessarily have to *say* it like you've done here. It's not the honesty that makes people bristle. It's the absence of empathy.

Good luck.

[Clair]

Ugh. I'm going through the same thing right now - I've even backed out of a weekend trip. It's so hard, but I'm definitely less stressed and enjoy the people around me more. I hope you get to the same place soon. Congratulations on doing what's right for you!

[Melissa Summers]

@Tricia
I said nothing cruel. Neither did she. I did not in anyway Kill a friendship.

She and I are on the same page actually. It's the rest of our friends who seem really uncomfortable with the fact that we both just said it out loud.

"We've outgrown each other. Let's move on."

That's what I'm talking about in being honest. I certainly didn't and wouldn't give her a giant list of things that bother me.

I told her it hurt my feelings that she had nothing to supportive to say when I felt I was giving her support.

She apologized, we realized we've reached a point where we don't particularly like each other.

[Kym]

You are the mature one here. you had a discussion with the person in question, and mutually agreed to go your separate ways with no hard feelings. I'm assuming that this means you can be seen together in a group without undue stress? If so, then it's the other friends who need to come around. You did the right thing....I agree that this is really teh right way to go...even though it's hard. Good for you!!!!

[homeslice]

PS. Congrats on the publicity. And focus on the positive support you get, not the negative. I tend to only respond to negative comments on my blog - and blow off all the people who actually agree with me. Everyone does what is right for them. My opinion: your blog, your domain. You write what you write, take it or leave it. And I agree, it wasn't written in a cruel way.

[Keli]

I feel like if this person was a "real friend" they probably would have tried to work it out. If someone I valued came to me with this information, I would seek them out and talk about it and possibly change my behavior.

But, I've found recently that there are people that can take criticism and there are people who can't. The end.

[anon]

As Oprah said recently...this too shall pass. It will suck in the meantime, but I give you so much credit for standing up for yourself and for being true to yourself. After a certain age, we women just get tired of the bullshit of playing nice.

[Jennie]

Although it'd be nice to keep enough peace to be able to be around here and on trips with her without it being 1) inauthentic and 2) uncomfortable, it's not always possible to reconcile those two things. Sometimes you have to separate and move on.

You did what's right for you (and, really, what's most respectful of her) and sometimes that makes people feel awkward because they can't do it as well.

[Tricia]

I agree you didn't say anything cruel in the post. But, I think if I was the ex-friend, the break up itself would have hurt. And, reading about it here would have reminded me of the hurt, and it would have caused me to hurt all over again. And, for me, that type of hurt doesn't go away until I spew-vent it away. No one wants to be in the middle of that.

[Leslie]

I had an eerily similar thing happen. And yeah, it does suck, because we're really not friends with anyone in that group anymore.

It sounds like you're not upset about the demise of the friendship, which, if you've been in friendships with people, chances are you've had this issue. It seems that what you're more upset about (and understandably so) is that the remaining friends have "chosen" her. Why are you staying home while she's going (I assume)? I'd call and talk to each of your friends still in the group and just tell them honestly what happened. Also, I think the fact that Logan went to volunteer while you stayed home is really pretty crappy, unless it's a couple thing and he's friends with the guy.

Good luck!
Leslie

[melissa]

@Keli: I think it was something we both kind of knew deep down but didn't want to pull the plug.

When I called her out on this thing that hurt my feelings it kind of opened a door. So we walked through it.

I do not at all think I hurt her or feel that she hurt me. Just that it's awkward.

[Kelly H]

Ditto what the first commenter, Laura, said. It's not easy but I think it's necessary to live a truly authentic life. I'm turning 40 this year and I don't want to live a life where my "friends" are not really friends to me. It's give and take baby. If all my "friend" does it take I say bye bye. And I think being honest with people is the way to go when it comes to this kind of thing. I don't dance around issues or be nice just for the sake of not rocking the boat. I'm not mean or rude, just honest. And sometimes, friendships just need to end and everyone needs to move on.

Melissa, I think you just need time. Time for your friends too to also see that everyone can really just get along even though you and the "exfriend" aren't close anymore. Any way, just my 2 cents.

I wanted to say though that I admire you for wanting to live an authentic life. I see so many women my age who don't and it frankly makes me kind of sad. Hang in there.

[Liz]

ahhh, I resemble this post. I have a person in my life that everyone in our circle of friends talks about behind her back AND YET continue to see her socially and smile sweetly, then bitch, moan and complain. I don't want to talk about her or to her so I don't! She sucks the life out of me when I'm around her and is purposely hurtful and mean spirited. I can't be the better person when she hits me at the core of my being. So I don't put myself around her. (I'm rambling...but this post hits me very personally right now.)

[Dawn]

Hmmm. I am very like you in this aspect. And it is the one thing about me that I know my husband dislikes very much. He too thinks allowing friendships to die is the way to go. What he won't acknowledge is when the other party doesn't drift off. They keep calling and needing and never reciprocating. It takes two people to make a relationship. Otherwise it feels like a bastardized version of indentured servitude.

I don't see a lack of empathy on your part either. This is a difficult situation but if you and your friends remain open and honest with each other the discomfort should pass in time.

[LizP]

I think you did the right thing. You told her how you felt about her lack of enthusiasm over your success. At that point she could have said, "Hey you're right and I'm sorry". So at the time you started talking to her you couldn't know the outcome. Unfortunatly it went the other way. Bummer for her because good friends are hard to find.

[watercolor]

Well, congrats for handling things like an adult! Because your "friend" could have realized she was being one sided and woken up and let you know she did appreciate you and your friendship. But she didn't. And now everyone is acting like a third grader. I'm very sorry. I don't know why people have to act like children about their feelings and friendships instead of discussing them like adults.

Because it is a friend and it does affect other people, you might consider offering them an out next time. (I don't know, you may have done this....) Tell the person you feel the friendship has gotten off track and it isn't as fulfilling for you as it once was. And then listen. It may be you need a gentler approach than "breaking up" with them.

On the other hand, letting the whole thing fade away accomplishes the same thing without the hurt feelings. Depends on what is most important to you in the short and long run. And what is best for each situations. Not easy. Hugs!

[Melissa Summers]

@Leslie yes it was a couple's thing and he had already volunteered.

I stayed home entirely because I had to pick my mom up from the airport and didn't want to pay a sitter.

[Melissa Summers]

@Tricia

I really don't think she's hurt. I think she probably feels a lot like I do. A little discombobulated.

[Melissa Summers]

@watercolor

She really didn't act immature. I'm sorry if my writing led you to believe that. We were both uber mature. Couldn't have been more mature.

[Darci]

You didn't do anything wrong here, Melissa. People are supposed to be in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. And when you "outgrow" each other or find that the glue you used to have no longer holds you together, it's okay to part ways. I think you behaved very maturely and I admire your chudzpah to call it a day. You let each other off the hook.

It's your other friends that I'm more concerned about. They sound like high schoolers. Sure they're uncomfortable, but they'll get over it. You can't control how they think/feel. It's no longer your concern.

[Sarah]

I love the honesty of your blog, Melissa. Keep it coming, please. I don't have a wide circle of friends at all. These days most of my close friends are long-distance. Maybe that will change when my kids reach school-age and I start interacting with more school families. I don't know. I don't really have anything useful to contribute on this topic but I wanted to thank you for putting yourself out here. I love your posts. I love that you are willing to discuss difficult things.

[denise]

If people are talking about one person to you? They're talking about you to other people. [Word Of Wisdom for Maddie #5]

Words of wisdom, indeed. I learned this last year at the great age of 38. Wish I'd know it at Maddie's age.

Congrats on your accomplishments. And good for you for doing what you needed to do for yourself. I'm sorry you feel bad right now, but it feels worse longer to pretend to like someone that you don't - like you're not being authentic or true to yourself.

Why not take the money you would have spent on your girls trip and use it for something on your life list, or visit a friend that makes you feel good?

[Tricia]

OK!

[MichelleRenee]

I think you were brave for being able to HAVE that discussion.

Breakups are messy.

A clean break is better than that LONG goodbye.

I think you did the right thing.

[mrs chaos]

I think you touched on the very thing that bothers people: they usually just let 'those' types of frienships die out on their own. You happen to make it official.

So many people choose quantity over quality with regards to friends. They don't (can't) understand your logic.

[erika edith]

Good on you. Friends are important, but only the good ones really matter. It is so funny to me when adults (ie the husband that called you) feel the need to explain their understanding of social norms to other adults.

ps- Your blog is rockin lately - I love it. Whatever you are doing, keep doing it.

[Kristin]

Whenever I start to feel like a friendship is going in the wrong direction, I ask myself, "If I met this person for the very first time, right now, would we become friends?" If the answer is No, then there is no reason to remain friends. That may sound simple or even harsh, but you can't base a current friendship on what a past friendship meant.

[Saple]

The honesty is refreshing, Just had to do something similar and it scared the hell out of me to do it, but once it was done felt like a million pounds had been lifted off my shoulders.

[gabrielle]

you're doing the right thing for you. if she wasn't supportive you were right to address it and ultimately move on.

this isn't elementary school - you don't have to give every kid in the class a valentine anymore, know what i mean?

in my life i know alot of people and i'm friendly with them, but i only have a few real friends. and i would do anything for them - that's how it SHOULD be.

[sarah]

That is super brave & I commend you. I have a frenemy that can take the wind right out of my sails, but I couldn't do what you did. I hope that you can get to a neutral place where you can be around each other since having to restrain yourself from doing things you want to do because of someone else's mere presence sucks.

I'm a psychologist & talking about people is kind of a passion of mine (their motivations, how their experiences contribute to the person we see today) and I think I do a pretty good job keeping things objective and anecdotal. I don't like pointing out flaws for the sake of comparison or making myself feel better, but to gain some perspective on the person, and to see what lessons can be learned. That's called vicarious learning and will be a really useful tool for you & Maddie as she watches other people navigate the teenage years.

[Jennifer]

I think it's great that you are so honest. I admire that, but I'm rarely that honest. I would be much more likely to let the friendship die a slow death to the point where we just exchanged a few pleasantries at those gatherings where we both happened to be (since you have other friends in common). I would simply be unavailable when she called to ask me to do things, etc. But I also have a very nasty tendancy to be passive agressive so if the friendship somehow wasn't dying quietly I think that would tend to be my instinctive response. Your response is so much better!

[Kristen]

This is startling similar to a situation in my own life right now...a formerly close friend and I are no longer friends, and it is causing huge problems with our mutual group of friends. It is awkward and uncomfortable and no one seems to understand. Even though there's no solution yet in sight, it comforts me to know that other people feel the same way -- there's no need to continue enabling a fake friendship. Even if my friends don't agree, I'm glad to read your story and know I'm not insane for feeling this way!

[Christy]

I’ve been a long time reader of your blog, but was moved by your post today to comment for the first time. I just wanted to say that I’m hoping the best for you as you work through the situation. Your story just made me sad, because I've been in similar situations, and doesn’t it just seem like it all shouldn’t be so complicated?

Like you and Logan, my husband and I tend to disagree on how to handle these situations. My husband will always make excuses for the person in question, saying things like, “But that’s just how so-and-so is! You know this about them, so just accept it and move on!” But that’s not always so easy for me to do. I, like you, also need to feel a sense of getting back what I put in to a relationship. So for better or worse, when I feel like that balance is lost, I tend to just let those friendships die a slow death. And I don’t know that that is the right answer either, because it often leaves me without a sense of closure to those relationship, and generally, I tend to like closure. Sometimes I think a more straightforward approach, such as you have taken, might be more effective. I admire your courage for doing so, and for writing so candidly about it.

I recently came upon a piece of advice that said when you are faced with a difficult situation, decide what you want the outcome to be first; then, act accordingly so as to achieve the outcome you want. I don’t always succeed, but I’ve tried more and more to do that in my life, rather than to simply react to a situation with raw emotion (which I am not implying you did, but rather speaking to my own flaw). It goes without saying that sometimes, this is easier said than done.

If you lived near Chicago, I’d totally hang out with you! From what you write in your blog, we are so on the same page about many things -- our feelings about summer vacation not being the least of them! Good luck to you.

[Jill]

I don't really have much advice, but I do want to say that commend your ability to place healthy boundaries in your life. While it's not the easiest (as you are experiencing right now) to tell people the truth and honestly deal with real life situations - you did what was best for you, which wasn't just let the friendship fade. I admire that, there are about two or three girls that I need to do that with now. But I don't have the guts (quite yet!). I think a few of the other commenters are right... time will heal it.

[Jessy]

Well said.

[Lisa]

I find more and more people like this is my own life. I'm their cheerleader for every event in their life, then when great things started to happen to me, not one kind word.
It's not your job to keep the group together. They have to respect your decision to move on. I'd rather be alone than with a bunch of phonies. Remember, you deserve good things!

[Rachel]

You've inspired me. I generally just let these types of friendships die off but it makes so much more sense to just be upfront about it. I actually think there would be fewer hurt feelings when it's talked out. I can't handle the "Why aren't you paying any attention to me" cries when I start ignoring the phone calls. And I have a hard time faking sincerity the next time I see them. I'm going to go for it. Thanks for the shove.

[LeslieAnn]

Your group is reeling from what is actually a big change. Two members who tried to be close have decided they can't be anymore. Everyone needs to adjust their expectations and ideas about the group. I think your best course of action is to find a time and place to demonstrate to everyone that this isn't going to remain an awkward situation. If you're positive that your ex-friend feels the same way you do, take the next opportunity to both show up to the same event, be completely civil and friendly to one another and set everyone else at ease.

[Cara]

Its so ironic that the two of you could agree on this and handle it well, but that the other people around you can't just let that be the way it is. And, you should definitely keep that boundary about not letting other people complain to you about her. It isn't fair to her or you.

[Cori]

I've been there and I'm really sorry you are going through this. It feels good to let go of a friendship that is bleeding you dry, but when there's a group of friends involved it is never easy. I hope you find a way to keep the friendships you want and let go of the ones you don't. I've never been good at finding that balance myself. My best to you.

[Melissa Summers]

@Rachel

Oh God I hate that too. I hate even more being on the receiving end of that technique. It makes you feel like a whiny clingy paranoid person. Just say what you need to, if I can or want to change i will. If I don't I won't and we can both stop pretending.

[Katrina]

I like LeslieAnn's advice above. Part of the reason why the rest of the group feel uneasy is that they don't want to have to choose between you. Show them that they don't have to.

[Annabelle]

Brava to you both for handling it well. Presumeably the rest of the goup will figure things out.

"A few years ago a similar thing happened with a friend. ...And again my circle of friends bristled. A friend's husband even called me to tell me I needed to try harder." What?? So that friend was bitching about you/the situation to her husband and had HIM call and tell you about it? That sounds fishy to me.

[Annabelle]

Of course I meant "the rest of the gRoup will figure things out."

[melissa]

I think you guys are right, I think (hope) that once we can establish that my (ex) friend and I can be perfectly civil and pleasant and not awkward everyone else will calm down.

The last time this happened that was not possible, the other person was very hurt by my decision. So it did split up our group. Hopefully this time it won't happen the same way.

But I think this friend is much more mature and self actualized and we can do this. Max had a play date at their house last week so I think we're on the right track.

[krys72599]

You were a friend to someone who didn't know how to be a friend in return.
You've come to realization that you need friendship in return from this person and you weren't getting it.
We all take advantage. We all hurt the ones we love.
But sometimes we realize we're doing it and we change.
Not only did she not realize it, when you brought it to her attention, she didn't care.
Hard as it is, good riddance!

[Melissa Summers]

@krys72599 I wouldn't go so far as to say she wasn't a friend in return ever but yeah, we'd grown apart.

[chatty cricket]

Woman, all I can say is good for you, and EXCELLENT choice. Look, it's tough and you're right, having the conversation IS more awkward than letting it fade over time. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have the conversation if you feel like it's the right thing to do.

Let the dust settle. I'm SURE no one knows how to react, and frankly, I think you're being pretty mature about this in not expecting everyone to pick sides or whatever since that doesn't seem to be the way you left it with your friend. Good for the two of you. Not everyone has to like everyone else, but that doesn't mean you can't choose to be civil. Once everyone else figures this out, it will be a lot easier to deal with it socially.

This is a great example for Maddie. This is a great example for a LOT of people, honestly.

[LeslieAnn]

Max's play date with at her house is excellent on all fronts. First, kids shouldn't lose friends because of something going on with their parents. Second, the symbolism for your group of friends is wonderful; the kids can handle this (though they may know less about it, they aren't totally oblivious I'm sure), why can't you all grow up already too?

[pooky48]

Honesty. Self-respect. Two qualities that many people do not possess these days. You get one life…why not surround yourself with people who are as enthusiastic about you as you are them.

Good for both of you for being honest with each other and yourselves. Wish I had the nerve to do the same.

[ella]

It's her loss. The groups loss.

'nuff said.

[Mary]

This was very interesting. I feel the same way. I do not like to talk about other people but sometimes will in privacy. What I can not stand is when you're in the same room/place with someone, and people start talking about someone WHO IS THERE. It got to the point where I had to walk away from the conversation, and now my friends know not to even bring up gossip about others in large gatherings around me.

It would annoy me if my husband was still associating with this person.

Something like this happened to me in HS. A friend (who I had considered my best friend) did something unforgivable and I broke up "the group"- at first it was awkward, but that didn't last forever. Everything will work out, just give it time!

[Melissa Summers]

@leslieann kids are oblivious actually. Didn't want max twisting my words and repeating "my mom doesn't like your mom" or worse "my mom hates your mom"

Maddie is onto me after facebook recommended this friend to her and said she has one mutual friend, Logan. She questioned why I wasn't listed. Smart that girl of mine.

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[terilynn]

I see your post saying that you two grew in separate directions and with separate interests, you both realized it, and you both agree to stop attempting to nurture a relationship at this point. It doesn't sound one-sided and it doesn't sound mean at all. There's no need for you to work on something that neither of you is really all that interested in. I wouldn't imagine either of you avoiding one another or anything. It's just not as clear to your other friends that it's an amicable split. We ladies often expect drama, prepare for it, and sometimes that ends up creating it. But you two seem to be handling it fine.

[Melissa Summers]

Well I'll be honest I've been feeling a bit raw myself so it'll help once I calm the f down too.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

[Deb]

I think you have done the right thing (i let go of my oldest friendship - from 10yrs old) after a lifetime of getting the short end of the stick. When i told her I had PPD she never called again (I live in Australia now and she is in the States still). Somtimes you just have to accept that some people are takers and cannot be relied on to be givers / supporters when they are needed.

As for your circle of friends - if this was a case of a couple breaking up would they be weighing in like this? no - they would say, glad you ended that Melissa, he was not supporting you, such a taker etc, you deserve better!- so why do they feel you should settle in the friendship realm just to keep the peace? Should close friendships be held to a lower standard than romantic partners? If someone makes you feel badly then i think it is a fair move to end the friendship. In this case it was a mutual decision and your other friends just need to let you 2 find your own way now.

[Allison]

Oh Melissa! I feel bad for you that people are telling you unhelpful things like "you should try harder." I'm sure you made the best decision for you. However, I am sad that your new summer wardrobe won't be getting a chance to strut its stuff on vacation.

[Kellie]

I think that letting the relationship cool and as other have said let die a natural death, it wasn't ALWAYS bad so why end it that way.
I'm concerned that this type of thing is part of your history, do you need to actually tell your "friends" they have dissapointed you etc. I don't think that adds value, and hurts people who were friends for a reason at the beginning.

People are human with flaws they are not perfect and friends especially so, there have been times when i have felt the lack of love, attention etc., I've ADRESSED the issue with "hey I feel this is getting one sided.

I guess I'm more forgiving and understand and accept my friends for their flaws and positive attributes.

don't judge, kind of sit back and let them come out of their me me me situation and they will be fine, we ALL do it.. its human nature.

[Alyce]

I've experienced how hard it is to break up with a friend, or a group of friends, and I can imagine how you must be feeling.

I only know my experience, though, so I don't know if I have any words of wisdom.

I do feel that I was right in disconnecting from a group whose membership and priorities had changed, no matter that the impetus was a rather childish battle about someone having been excluded from a group event. I've had some twinge of regret.

Ultimately - for me - being friends means being all in. So if I'm all in, but you're only 30% in, then it's not going to work.

[Lisa V]

Just hope you were wearing a helmet when you told her, and a cup.

Actually this is so much more mature than anything I've ever done with people who drift out of my life and then I want to turn down a different aisle at the grocery store when I see them.

[LRM]

I have a question. Was there some big announcement made to the group a la "We're Not Friends Anymore!"? It seems like the two of you handled it very well with each other, but there wasn't a need to drag everyone else into it. If you feel you can be civil with each other, why did everyone else need to know?

Or would it have been that painful to go on the girls weekend if she was there?

[ams]

I've been there. The 'breakup' was a bit ugly because of some incredible stressful events going on in my life at the time, but over a year later, I'm glad I let that one go. We did not share the same life perspective and there were more demands on me than I wanted--and in the end, the friendship was more work and stress than it was worth. I've been quite happy with how it turned out. And yes, we do still have mutual friends. They've just decided to let it be the way it is, and we all work around it. I'm lucky that the friends I'm left with are the ones I want. :)

Hang in there. If you did what felt right to you, it will be the right choice. There is enough toxicity in the world--you don't need to fill your life with it.

[Melissa Summers]

@lrm no but it's the friend's step father's house and her trip. Feels awkward.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

[Barb]

I admire your authenticity and your courage. I hope things improve soon.

[jaded]

I appreciate your directness and the maturity with which you addressed the situation. I had a similar situation this year, unfortunately directness was not option, and I found myself screening harassing calls for over five months.

Give your other friends time to come around. It sounds like they are projecting a conflict that doesn't exist, they just have noticed yet.

[Another Melissa]

For some reason, I'm reminded of a line from the movie "You've Got Mail"...

You are daring to imagine that you could have a different life. Oh, I know it doesn't feel like that. You feel like a big fat failure now. But you're not. You are marching into the unknown armed with...Nothing. Have a sandwich.

You did the right thing and the others will get over it!

[Another Melissa]

P.S. Love the new header

[ChristyD]

I'm so glad you are authentic enough to share this with us. I've had a few similar experiences as an adult, and while it is SO painful, I still believe it's meant to be and that it will force you into better relationships and make you grow. I'm so sorry you're feeling alone. I wish Logan would just shut up and support you.

[april]

I think that it will get better. These friends, like Logan, probably don't want to have to deal with the conflict of choosing sides. Once they realize that you and the ex-friend aren't asking them to do that, and that you are both perfectly willing to keep the same friends, yet separate yourselves from each other, then hopefully the situation will neutralize.

I lived through a conflict not so long ago where I had a few outings planned with a friend that started out as a "friend of a friend" and grew into a very good friendship. The friend that introduced us felt left out (which wasn't necessary, she lives quite a distance away and that was strictly the only reason that she wasn't always included) and cut ties with both of us. Once she calmed, and realized that in no way were were ganging up on her, it all ironed out. I hope that once these friends also realize that they aren't being made to choose, and that they aren't going to be treated any differently, you'll be right back to normal.

I think that it is just never easy to lose a friend, or change a friendship. Even if it is by personal choice, and even if you are both agreeable parties.

Also, I feel as if this post should be some sort of drinking game, wherein everytime the word "friend" or a variation shows up in the comments or post, one takes a drink. I'll see you in the hospital while our stomachs are pumped...

[Tarin]

You're not talking about...Alice Bradley, are you? God, I hope not. But you're both talking "friend issues".

That aside, I feel you man. I admire how you swim upstream alot. But you can't help it. It's what you do. Don't stop.

[Melissa Summers]

@Kellie
Yeah I tried to address it maturely
But there are people who don't want to deal with things directly. I prefer direct.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

[Melissa Summers]

@Tarin no this is my at home life.

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[kelly]

Long-time reader here... just thinking that maybe a public post on your website isn't going to do much to make the situation better. It could come off as passive-aggressive, since you've got legions of readers having your back. Maybe this one was better kept handled away from the internet.

[Dayna]

Y'know... good for you. We clog up our lives sometimes with obligatory relationships and it just feels like sometimes you need to clear that out. It's often not easy.

I sometimes feel like I'm a magnet for people who want a one-sided friendship. People who shut down when it comes time for me to need the friending. I am not a person who rushes into sharing all my stuff and by the time I feel comfortable doing so, I'm settled into a pattern of someone unloading on me. It's so rare to find a two way street. Those are the keepers. My dad always said that if you can count your true friends on one hand and have it be more than one, you are genuinely lucky, otherwise you're kidding yourself.

Keep being you, Melissa.

[madge]

My husband is unfailingly honest and 100% unafraid of confrontation. I have learned so much from him over the years, but I still tend to be more of a let-it-die-quietly type. Maybe I've been a little scared off, his level of honesty is very disarming to most people.

On another note, are Maddie's other words of wisdom somewhere in the archives? Because, holy crap, I could use some more of that.

[Melissa Summers]

@Kelly yeah I can see that but I've always used this space to clarify my thoughts and feelings. I think I've been respectful of the parties involved. I'll close comments now to be safe.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.