Nice Example, Mom.

A few weeks ago Maddie and I were invited to an event to discuss, mainly, Mean Girls with Rosalind Wiseman. Rosalind wrote the book Mean Girls And Wannabes that was the basis of the movie Mean Girls. 

Rosalind is on a Girl World Book Tour and her presentation was one of those times I'm so happy I have a daughter. A daughter who is so much like me. For example, as we ate dinner before the event she said, "If they make us stand up and talk, can we leave?"

High Five Little Lady. We're out of there and at Dairy Queen for ice cream sundaes if there's a public speaking component.

But there wasn't. We talked about lots of things and I highly recommend Rosalind's book to learn how to talk to your daughter and also to find ways to help them deal with other girls in their class. 

[Here is a place where I am not discussing my daughter's own story because it's not mine to tell.]

What I was most surprised by was how much what we talked about applies to my own life as an adult woman, especially my life on the internet. At some point the idea of "ignoring" bullies or "mean girls" was brought up and all the girls in the room chimed in with, "NEVER WORKS DUH".

Rosalind talked about how everyone has a right to dignity. If someone doesn't respect you, your feelings and your right to exist in this world as you choose, you have a right to ask them to give you dignity. To leave you alone, ease up, move along. 

If they don't give it to you, you have a right to dismiss that person.

I immediately thought of that awful blog created to "defend" the children of various bloggers. To "defend" the children of bloggers while calling their father gay, making fun of their mother's teeth, calling their mother fat/stupid/ugly/bad.....

I realized then, I'm still as an adult dealing with Mean Girls. 

I was being bullied and just like it doesn't work for 12 year old girls, ignoring doesn't work for 36 year old girls either. I named my bully and called her out to discuss what she has to say. Of course she conveniently has come out of the wood work once the really terrible things she's had to say are lost to Google Cache and not easy for the general population to find. 

But still, here she is out in the light, forced to own her words and that feels remarkably good. 

But how do we reach adulthood still thinking it's okay to make fun of someone's teeth/call their husband gay/tell the world they don't love their children correctly?

After Rosalind Wiseman spoke Maddie and I stood in line to have her sign our books. I wanted to leave, the line was really long. Maddie insisted she really wanted that signature in her book.

As an aside, the way Maddie views authors makes me so proud. She thinks of authors, people who write and have people read them, as awe inspiring celebrities. 

We waited in line with a lot of other mothers and their preteen daughters. 

A bookstore hosted this event and the owner of the bookstore walked around taking pictures for their store's website. He was a very tall gentleman with deep set eyes and the kind of complexion that gives his eyes a darker area around them. 

A mom right behind us, after spending an evening learning about how people pick apart other people in order to feel better about themselves and how hurtful it can be, turned to her daughter and said, jovially:

"Oh, how nice! Lurch is taking pictures."

....... 

Comments

[Lindsey]

I for one wish more girls had mothers like you.

[suzi]

That is EXACTLY how I viewed Michelle McBee and her ridiculous website--she's just a Mean Girl. Sad. Bravo to you for being a kick ass mom.

[Alison of a Gun]

Er...I probably would have laughed. I'm a horrible person. :(

[melissa]

But that's a classic example of how we teach our girls to pick each other apart. Gah, at least it was a guy and not another woman. Kudos on that part.

(You're not a horrible person.)

[Alison of a Gun]

Haha! You're totally right, though, the timing couldn't have been worse. I would have elbowed her like, "Ha-ha, see kids? That's mean!". Or maybe that would be bad too. See, this is why I just be nice to people or talk about them in places they can't read or see it.

[Jenn @ Juggling Life]

You have got to read her book "Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads." In fact, everyone should read it.

[Melissa Summers]

Oh you better believe I said that to maddie!

[Shina Hart]

Melissa you're beautiful. Your kids are beautiful. Your husband is beau...hmmm handsome. Even your animals are super cute. Is it any wonder people are jealous?

[sooboo]

I laughed out loud at the potential public speaking bailout. My husband is a college teacher and I forbid him to do the first day go around the class intro. Torture!

[Melissa Summers]

Let's make out under the bleachers shina.

[Rebecca]

I finally got to see what you were Tweeting about today. GAH. Just reading about Michelle McWhat'sHerName made my blood pressure rise about 100 points. Is she freaking KIDDING? I can't tell you how much better I felt when I found out there were other women -- like you, and a couple of other mommy bloggers that I read -- who are willing to admit that parenting is not all sunshine and rainbows. That it's hard and frustrating and boring sometimes. And it pisses me off when anyone tries to make me feel like a horrible person because I feel that way, or because I don't spend every waking minute with my kids, and because I very much like having time to myself.

But I love my kids more than anything and would do anything for them, including kill someone with my bare hands if that's what it took. And they love me. Even if I'm not parenting "right" according to that bitch.

For the record, my teeth are not that great and I'm about 50 pounds overweight right now, my husband is a great cook and helps me create awesome birthday cakes for our kids, and hell yeah, most days I'd love to wind down with a cocktail and a good book.

Some people just need to be punched in the mouth.

[Irene]

The ultimate Mean Girl... http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=555761626&ref=search&sid=1386630959.2448750471..1

[Jenn]

I took my 10 year old to Rosalind's Girl World Tour here in CA after seeing you mention it on your site. I highly doubt I would've come across it otherwise. It was great and for that I'm so thankful that you do what you do. Honestly Melissa, I've read your site for, I don't know, three or four years (?) and have commented about three or four times I would guess. I just never really feel that I have a comment to offer that someone hasn't already beaten me to the punch on. But as I've read about McBee and then read some of the actual things she wrote - and today seeing your tweet about her - I decided that I need to comment more. Because I really love, admire and need what you (and my other favorite bloggers) do - and all of a sudden I feel like I need to step up and let that be known more often to counteract the amount of hate and negativity that comes your way. Because I feel like you need to know how much your work is valued by your silent (i've never really like the term lurker) readers and how very much you would be missed in this strange blogosphere if you left.

Your blog has literally helped to pull me out of a couple dark parenting funks. I think your children, Logan and now your ridiculously cute pup are lucky to have you - and I'm pretty sure they know it. But "we're" lucky to have you too - and I hope YOU know that.

And your face is not fat!

OK I'm done,
~Jenn

[Marie Green]

Yes, yes, yes. She's a Mean Girl. A mean girl "concerned" for the children of bloggers.

I don't know how ya'll with such a big audience handle this so gracefully. I'm still fuming over the comments on that article, which I read HOURS ago, and which weren't even said about me.

I admire your ability to continue to write so beautifully.

[ash pdx]

Melissa, I read that Detroit Free Press article, and the mean comments women were making, and I kept thinking- "they are so jealous". Which is also what inspired mean girls from grade school. I am sure it was hard to hear all these criticisms, even if it is because of your success. Keep doing your thing and try to let it roll off your back! They want you to go away.

[Scott]

As a child, I dealt with a number of bullies. I was the fat kid in grade school who was an easy target. One boy, in particular, I took a lot of crap from all through elementary school. Finally, in fifth grade, I smashed him in the jaw! Of course, he kicked the crap out of me after that, but he gained a measure of respect for me and stopped bullying. As adults, obviously, we can go around hitting people. But you do have to stick up for yourself. I'm not familiar with all of the details of your incident with this other woman, but I think you did the right thing calling her out.

[Tricia]

You can't read comments attached to newspaper articles, Ash. It seems like comment sections in newspapers attract crazies and people calling the crazies crazy. Even the insightful comments seem shallow when some crazy points out a grammatical error in the insightful comment.

You have to read comments on blogs. And, I've found that blogs associated with newspapers even have real comment sections where people don't insult and pick apart grammar too much.

I was thinking this is a bit off topic, but it's not, right? There's lots of bullies in comment sections. (Not here. I really don't see them in the blog comments I read).

Sometimes, I'll even bully a bully by telling them they suck. I'd never do that in real life. I'd just stay away from the flaming crazies in real life.

[WarsawMommy]

I actually have quite a horrible confession to make: when I found out I was having two boys, I was secretly so SO relieved. And why? Because no daughter of mine was going to be exposed to Mean Girls. I love being a woman and I have some truly wise and wonderful female friends, but I really think that women can be so MEAN. Boys can be little shits and physical and awful, but that nit-picky, detail-oriented, passive-aggressive way that women have of ripping each other to shreds is so hard to deal with. If you ignore it, you're perceived as weak. If you call them on it, they widen their eyes and get all 'hurt' and claim that you've 'taken things the wrong way'. (Ha!). If you elbow them in the jaw, they crumple onto the floor, weeping and defenceless and call the world to witness their 'abuse' at your hands, you big old MEANIE.

Gimme boys any day.

BTW? I think that you are the epitome of grace and dignity. You just keep on keeping on.

[Tori]

I don't usually comment on blogs, although I read several each day. Your experience with this woman has struck a very personal chord with me because my bully isn't online but 3 houses down from me. We are relatively new to the neighborhood, and there has been a one woman crusade waged against me and my daughters. (My husband and son have been spared the vitriol and hate that has been directed at us. Interesting.)

I want to say thank you. Thank you for standing up to your bully. For naming her, for exposing her to a wider audience for what she is. I have spent months, an unfathomable amount of energy, worried and anxious worrying what the vicious attack is coming next. You may not be aware but you do touch anonymous people with your stories. You definitely have given me some comfort.

[Emilie]

Thank you for this, Melissa, and thanks for being brave by being honest about how it's hard to ignore mean people even though your head knows that you should. I have a 5 year old daughter and I fear middle school age for her because my own experience is still very much a part of me even 25 years later. The mean girls aren't going away, but how we react to them is up to us. Even though it's a ton of work. Thanks for the book recommendation and for generally being awesome. I agree with the commenter who said that all girls need moms like you.

[Emily]

What Jenn said. I love your blog! You tell it like it is. Parenting (like most things in life) sometimes sucks, and I, for one, appreciate creative writers like you who acknowledge reality.

And I love "Did They Eat It?" so much. I have yet to get a 4 out of 4 in my own household, but I keep trying!

[Lori]

I've been meaning to come and comment after I read that article yesterday online. I've been reading your blog and others long enough to have read the vile hate that this woman has put out repeatedly. I am sure you are getting tons of support, but I wanted to chime my voice in as well - your blog and your voice are consistently one of my favorites and have been for years - you are real, honest, and tell it like it is. I relate to just about ever single emotion you post about parenting, and for me, it is a lifesaver to hear someone vocalize it. If I didn't, I would think there was something wrong with me for not relishing every single special moment of childhood. Just wanted to tell you that I support you, I think you're bad-a$$ (in a good way) and I admire the way you are handling this situation.

[lisame]

Years later and my offer still stands....Come to Texas. Let me buy you drinks and tell you how pretty you are.

[Tiffany]

The mothers comment about "Lurch" just perpetuates the "mean girl" attitude. Good grief did she not learn anything? My Natalie turns 13 this month and we are having endless conversations about mean girls...I don't want her targeted and I don't want her to be one either! Her teen years on the horizon are keeping me up at night.

[ella]

I'm with lisame. Come to Austin. We'll have cocktails! It will be fun!

I love your blog. I love the way you tell your stories. You're a great writer!
You have a beautiful family. The haters are jealous bitches.

[JennG]

Long time reader but I don't think I've commented before - I might have. I think this is a great post. I think the book might be Queen Bees and Wannabes though?

I think bullying is an issue that leaves huge scars in adulthood and continues. I was amazed at the response to this article here about it: http://www.more.ca/relationships/community/bully-for-you/a/19835 (hope it's ok to post).

[luvily]

Some people never get it... Sad.
Melissa - you are awesome and I love reading your blog and think you are FAB-U-LOUS!!! You are the real deal!

[kate]

Thank you so much for recommending these books. Can't wait to share them with my 9yo daughter.

The thing I tell her about bullies is that they are mean because someone was (or still is) mean to them. They feel small and helpless, and the only way they can feel big is to take it out on others. Doesn't change anything, but it does help her know WHY someone acts like that, and that it has NOTHING to do with her.

And it's been said before, but I think you're a great mom, a REAL mom, a mom who faces things head-on. Your kids will continue to grow up to be truly strong and wise because of it.

[Jessy]

WOOHOO for nice people!

[theheightseye]

Hi Melissa -

I happen to have a copy of Rosalind's "Queen Bee" book in my work bag right now for some refresher reading as my 7th grade daughter is wading through some mean girls bullying right now. Thank you for your post and I am mentally kicking the 'lurch mom' in the ass for being a bone-headed bitch!

[watercolor]

Have you followed the story of Constance in Ittawamba County here in Mississippi? The school canceled prom rather than let her bring her girlfriend when the court ordered them to allow it. Then the school threw a "prom" that turned out to be a fake prom only Constance and the children with disabilities went to. The other parents threw a secret prom for the rest of the kids and didn't invite the others. Talk about mean. Kids learn what they are taught. And these parents embarrass me with the hatred they are teaching.

Kudos for teaching your children compassion and empathy. :)

[Lauren]

Really cute photo of you with the FP article. You look great, and a size 8 is not overweight! I know personal attacks hurt, People are just jealous of you, and I think you're a super mom.

[LizP]

One of the reasons I love your blog is that tucked away between delicious recipes and adorable photos of your puppy are shining gems like this post.
Thank you for being the one to stand up for those of us who are mothers and do not always say things are "sunshine and roses"! Hopefully the positive comments help provide the armor you need to protect yourself from the internet trolls!

[Lynne]

My daughter is four and in preschool and has already had to deal with the mean girls. It breaks my heart. Four Years Old! Melissa, thanks so much for your writing. I love how you don't sugarcoat parenting. Yes, it's great, yeah, my kids are great and I love them with all my heart. But I really need to hear about the not so great experiences. The awkward, difficult times. Parenting is HARD and it just reinforces that I am doing something right when I see other parents go through the same struggles. Because let's face it...if it were easy, we are probably doing it wrong.

[jenG]

Dear Maddie:
I have the same view of authors/celebrities! By that definition, though, your mom is one. Just thought you should know. :)

Sincerely,
One of her readers

[Sadie at heyMamas]

I seriously can not even believe that last sentence. Can I call her stupid? Yeah I think even in front of my two young girls I would address that woman as stupid!

Sad actually, that she so didn't even get it and her poor daughter doesn't even stand a chance.

Sadie at heyMamas

[mom101]

I have always loved the line: How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.

We can spend our time here being supportive, sharing our stories, entertaining, leaving a legacy for our children.

Or we can spend our time being destructive, being cruel, causing hurt and pain.

It doesn't mean we're all perfect every minute of every day, or that we're never above a passive-aggressive tweet or a snarky blog post. But overall, I want my children to be able to Google my name one day (as they surely will) and be proud of what I stood for.

Do you feel that way Melissa? Because if you're proud of what you do here that's what matters.

[Meg]

Hi! I found you through the Freep article. Love what I've read so far, you're funny! I'm a metro detroit woman, as well. Not a mom, but love mommy blogs. Keep up the good work and screw the haters!

[melissa]

Yes I feel very proud of what I do.

Nonetheless, bullies don't have the right to spew lies and nastiness. It's one thing to say I don't spend enough time with my children. An entirely different thing to say I'm an alcoholic who abandons my children to drink all night.
Or that my brother is afraid he is a pedophile so he won't have children...

So I want to do what I love on this website and I also want my daughter to see that "just ignoring" hate isn't the way to cure it.

I want people who harbor such incredible hate and nastiness to be accountable with their own google searches.

[Kristen]

I'd bet money that the mom who called that guy Lurch lives in Birmingham or Bloomfield Hills.

[melissa]

Northville I'd assume, that's where the event was held.

[Lisa V]

I thought the interview sounded great, and the host certainly understood/practiced your point of view.

I don't mind speaking in public, I speak in front of large groups of people as part of my job. What I hate is touchy feely small group stuff. Look, if I wanted to share my feelings with groups of intimate strangers, I'd do it over several gin and tonics during two for one happy hours like Jesus and the constitution intended.

I just really can't believe that people can't do the whole Thumper philosophy and keep mean comments to themselves.Truly, what the hell do they get out of it?

[Lauren W]

Great post, Melissa. My daughter is only 2, but this is a subject that has to be taught when our girls are small. It wasn't until I was a 23-year-old married woman when I finally stood up for myself, and realized that I didn't need to be friends with people like that. I just had this epiphany, and a peace about "writing off" all the mean girls who were still in my life, and just being cautious about befriending women like that.

In jr high, I dealt with mean girls. We were a group of 4, and I never knew when "my week" would be: my week of being ignored, made fun of, slighted, etc. by my so called friends. It pains me to think of those years. At the time, I really didn't think that I could even find any other friends, that I could leave that clique and find nicer friends.

I am so committed to teaching my daughter about who true friends are and how to deal with mean girls. I am so very interested in this book, and will definitely read it. Thank you for addressing this problem; it's so interesting how it's almost all of the time girls being mean to other girls. Guys just don't do that to each other.

Thanks again for a great post.

[Crabby Apple Seed]

Love this. Girl bullying is so insidious, and the worst part is how many of us participate in it without even realizing (for example, calling someone Lurch. That mom probably thinks she's very nice).

And not to be nitpicky, but just in case someone is looking for the book by title instead of clicking the link, it's Queen Bees and Wannabes, not Mean Girls and Wannabes.

[Melissa Summers]

Yeah my sister sent me a note yesterday. Woops!

[Becky]

I was on the recieving end of mean girls when I was growing up - and when I see those women now, they are still that way towards me! It's amazing.
As a mother to a daughter, I'm interested in making sure she knows how to deal with mean girls. She's 8 and already has had to deal with it and done pretty good, but one of her dearest friends is turning into mean girls and it's been tough. She's put my kid in the middle of situations that my kid hasn't handled well all the time. It's just so frustrating to deal with as a parent.

[Tess]

Love the last line. It's so true that the mom community can be worse then when everyone was in high school. Everyone rears their green head like when the prom queen gets crowned.

[susie]

Thank you for this post. I'm so sorry that the tour isn't coming to my area. I have an 8-year-old girl (also named Maddie) and my first question at every single parent-teacher conference is "Is she nice to her classmates? Does she treat people well?" I absolutely value academics and encourage my kids to do their best in school, but ultimately, what will matter most in my daughter's life is what kind of person she is. (For the record, I ask the same questions and feel the same about my son.)

Congratulations on raising a fine human being. Your Maddie sounds like a lovely person, as does Max. You are a great role model in that you continue to strive to be the best person you can, even as an adult. And really, what more can we do?