Oh I'm just typing....

Let's jump right back in here. Fresh! New! Exciting! 

I didn't get the job that's been dangled in front of me since I got the call for the phone interview in June. (I applied in May, phone interview in June, in person interview in July; one of five, .....and rejection in August. Long time, lots of hope....nuthin)

Oh it smarts. It hurts. It hurts because I have tiny feelings that are easily crushed. 

It also hurts because I have an innate belief that I'm not good enough for most anything. Where this feeling comes from is easily traceable, typical even. I am an embarrassing cliche. I feel certain of the truth of my unworthiness in the darkest times. In the brighter times, I can easily see how faulty this view of "me" is.  This is problematic because when I experience rejection I am prone to dive right back into a black hole of all the ways I am "Not Good Enough". 

I haven't written on this website very much this summer for a few reasons. In past summers I've felt pulled in 10 directions trying to keep content on this website (and other people's websites) while the kids are hanging out being bored and or trying to kill each other. This summer I sort of decided to just be present. I didn't want to think of the things we did as content for my site. I didn't want to think how this activity would look on my webpage. I just wanted to be present and enjoy this summer with the kids. 

I also didn't write a lot on this website because I was pretty sure I was going to get that job. I was pretty sure that when I finally got the offer, I'd be back to viewing my website as a fun hobby. That I'd come up with funny little things to tell you all about. And it would feel just right. But, as I said, I didn't get that job and wow....ouch. 

This is hard for me to say because almost everything I've gotten from this website over the last 7+ years has been positive. But....

But....

Sometimes I'm surprised by the feedback I get from this website and it makes me feel...I don't know, less inclined to write. This is my problem obviously, I point back to how I started this post. I tend to worry that I'm "wrong" so feedback that comes at me that says I'm wrong I'm wont to give more attention to than the average person.

Logan will read something that's bothering me and say, "That's not true so don't even think about it again" but, I tend to think, "Oh! That's wrong...here are all the ways that's wrong!" as though I'm convincing myself of this. (Which, I am.) Then I think, "Maybe that's the truth. It's true, I am a failure...." and then the downward spiral get going like a roller coaster. It's not the most pleasant way to spend an evening.

School is back in session in less than two weeks. I can't even believe it. 

Also, I'd like credit for how little I've complained this summer. I know I haven't written a lot this summer but you guys, even Logan and my best friends have said, "Wow, you really didn't complain this summer."

And I haven't. 

One of the reasons I've started to explore work outside of my home is the loneliness. It's finally gotten to me. It's reached the point that I miss the kids when they're not here to keep me company. This is a new feeling for me. I've always felt like the kids aren't away from me enough for me to miss them. My magic number for reaching "lonely" is apparently 9 (nearly 10) & 11 (almost 12). They've both been in school full time for at least 3 full years now....and I'm finally lonely.

Lucy has helped that but Lucy likes napping as much as me. She's not "motivational".

I want a team to be a part of. I'd like a schedule to be held to. 

Of course I realize I'd probably be tired of that in about 2 weeks. Not the team but having a schedule. 

Remind me to tell you about what I did on my summer vacation next time I write. 

It involves sobbing, terrified kids on tubes floating down a river. 

LIFE LIST!

Comments

[Kimberly]

I have missed your words, I find your honesty endearing, and I think you are some kind of wonderful, Melissa!

[Kimberly]

I have missed your words, I find your honesty endearing, and I think you are some kind of wonderful, Melissa!

[Michelle]

I wonder if I am going to get to that place. I always say that I never want to go back to a traditional 9-5 job, but once Finn is in school and I'm here by myself I wonder if it will make me run as fast as I can back to work.

I think it sucks you didn't get the job, but I'm a believer that it all happens for a reason... something better/different will come along.

[Janna]

OH my God, I think we may have the same type of river story. Don't tell! I am afraid to go back to that particular area of the country because I am sure they have me on "don't try this with children like this idiot" posters.

[R]

I've missed you this summer. You write the things I feel.

There's a reason that the saying "You're your own worst critic" is a saying. I think we all judge ourselves too harshly.

I'm just saying.

[Anyabeth]

Dragging out the hiring process for so long is just brutal and it is impossible not to take rejection about something that you are so passionate about personally.

I think job hunting is the most soul crushing thing that I have ever done. It makes you so vulnerable to many types of pain. And I am sorry that you didn't get what you wanted. But I am happy for you that you summer has been so amazing.

[Anyabeth]

Dragging out the hiring process for so long is just brutal and it is impossible not to take rejection about something that you are so passionate about personally.

I think job hunting is the most soul crushing thing that I have ever done. It makes you so vulnerable to many types of pain. And I am sorry that you didn't get what you wanted. But I am happy for you that you summer has been so amazing.

[Emilie @ One Mom in Maine]

I'm a high school teacher, and at the end of every year, I have students write anonymous feedback about the year and my teaching. I usually get 95% glowing feedback and a handful of biting ones. And then I spend a week obsessing over and feeling hurt by the few biting ones. I totally related to what you wrote about commenters. You might need to reassess why you have the website, because you need to do this for yourself, but I'm just saying that so so many people love you and look forwarding to reading your posts.

I'm sorry you didn't get that job, and there is not one person who wouldn't feel incredibly let down after a several-month process.

You still have the best blog out there.

[A-Jax]

:( Sorry about it all. I missed reading your posts - I usually walk away thinking "we could totally be friends" - I bet a lot of your readers think the same. Good reason to slough it off though. Advice I go back to when I feel like you are: "Fake it 'til you make it." Works for me.

[Lindsay]

So...yes! Tell us your summer vacation/river tubing story!

[Tracy]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm jealous that you actually have readers to tell you you're wrong. My friends and family don't even read my blog. Yeah, big ego stroke there. Anyway. I always enjoy reading your posts.

[The Bug]

I know that repeating what Logan says doesn't really work - you won't believe in your self-worth until YOU believe it. Not just in your head, but in your whole self. And once you figure that out please share the secret. I tend to believe the critics more than the complimentary people - "oh they have no idea what they're talking about - they're just trying to make nice!" Sigh.

[Heather]

I love the reality of your blog. I read plenty of always cheerful, perky blogs, but I read yours because you are more like me. Life is not perfect. Sometimes our kids make us feel crazy. Sometimes we feel bad about ourselves and doubt that we are good enough. Thank you for that.

[Coffeemomma]

My blog is just a hobby....but it's amazing how self conscious it can make me, as well. When someone reads it then begins a conversation with "oh I read about XXXX on your blog" I want to go and crawl under a rock. I haven't figured that out yet.

I hope that writing here helps you find that self worth....it's hard.....maybe the break this summer was exactly what you needed.

There's still quite a few of us who just enjoy reading. :)

[Coffeemomma]

My blog is just a hobby....but it's amazing how self conscious it can make me, as well. When someone reads it then begins a conversation with "oh I read about XXXX on your blog" I want to go and crawl under a rock. I haven't figured that out yet.

I hope that writing here helps you find that self worth....it's hard.....maybe the break this summer was exactly what you needed.

There's still quite a few of us who just enjoy reading. :)

[Momsy]

Sorry about the job. Bummer.

[Kristin]

I don't usually comment, but wanted you to know that I have checked and rechecked your blog this summer wondering where you were and what you were up to. I've never understood why some feel it perfectly okay to leave negative comments on personal blogs. If one does not agree with the content then please, close your eyes and click to a different blog! And, sorry about the J-O-B.

[Beth]

I'm sorry you didn't get the job.

[Sheri Bheri]

I've been checking your blog everyday too. I was worried that your depression had taken over, but I was hopeful that you were having fun. I'm SO GLAD it turned out to be the latter.

Don't think of it as 9 & 11 years to get lonely! Think of it as them being an age that is finally INTERESTING to you! Some people aren't good with babies, some people aren't good with toddlers, some people aren't good with teenagers. You're obviously getting to the good part!

I'd also like to remind you that "haters gotta hate" but that the nice people don't always broadcast their niceness. (I'm just checking in on you, but I don't want you to think I'm nagging so ... delete comment.)

So take the 3 trolls as 75% of the people who hate you (for a total of 4), and take the 20 nice comments as 0.5% of the people who love you (for a total of 4000).

[Heather]

So sorry you didn't get the job. You have so many loyal fans here because you are honest, and I love your biting sense of humor. Hang in there and the right job will come along, although personally I think you should write a book!

[K.B.]

Have you considered volunteering? I often worry about joining the workforce again when my kids are all in school. One day my husband brought up the idea that I volunteer should we not need the money at the time.

Nobody is ever 'not good enough' for helping other people, and it will help to eliminate the loneliness. I think it will give me more self-worth than a paycheck anyway.

[Sheila]

Spending the summer being present with your kids and family seems to me the best possible use of your time.

It may not feel like it now, but I think you won Summer. I hope Fall is good to you.

[Kris]

I'm sorry about the job, and I've missed you, too. I'm stuck in a pit of self-loathing; and as odd as it sounds, it's comforting to read someone else afflicted with Not Good Enough Syndrome.

I'm with K.B. on the volunteering front. I try to log a little time each week at a local thrift shop, and it helps with the loneliness. Plus I get first crack at some of the wonderfulness that people donate! Win-win-win. They have a drop-in schedule, so you can just show up when you have a little window of time.

And it looks great on your resume, too. I hope you find something that works for you. You're a good person, Melissa. You deserve some Happy.

[Kristi]

I'm very glad you are writing again! I missed you this summer, but knew that you were relaxing at the pool and enjoying the kids.

[Melissa Summers]

@k.b. I need the money and have done plenty of volunteer work over the last 11 years.

[harborheld]

I feel the same way. I KNOW I am not worth anything, in those dark moments. I'm also trying to find a job and not getting one sucks more than I ever imagined possible. Sleep helps. That's about all I've found so far!

[Emily]

I was very annoyed by two things I read online directed at me this week. It was very hard to let it go and they were both so small and stupid! So I understand. And I think you are great. And that's all! xoxo

[Lenice]

Hey Melissa!
Sorry you didn't get the job. Back in June I went on my first interview since before having kids. It was a panel interview, 5 people interrogating me while I tried to look calm and confident! Although I was I convinced I was going to get the job, about a month later I got a letter in the mail letting me know I didn't. The disappointment stinks. I believe there is something better out there for both of us... we just don't know what it is yet.

Happy to see you writing again. You're honesty and humor have been missed. I've been reading your website for years and took the hiatus to mean you were having a great summer. Looking forward to reading about it.

[Melissa Summers]

@lenice my interview was with 4 people and I really thought I nailed it.
I guess they ended up hiring a published poet...because poets know a lot about social media.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

[followingtheroad]

I've wondered where you were.

You know- I'm often surprised by the comments you get on your site too. I've mostly stopped reading other people's comments here because of it. I'll be reading along, see a good point, interesting comment and then wham! Ass-hat.

Of course, I can read it and say, "That's not true. I don't even really know Melissa and I can see that's not true." But distance makes that kind of stuff easier. If someone was being a troll on my site, I would take it personally too.

Uh... ^^^that was long. Sorry. So hey! Sorry you didn't get the job and Yay! to you for having a great summer.

[Kate]

Melissa, I am so glad you really enjoyed the summer with your family, and selfishly, I'm glad you're back, too. Your voice was missed.

I totally understand you on the job thing. I am in a soul sucking, morale crushing hell of a job that makes me feel like a fresh failure a dozen times a day. It's a real joy, as you might imagine. Anyway, I applied for a new job in June, and hooray! I got it! However, the offer is contingent upon the new employer being awarded the contract for the project I would be working on. I am now at the mercy of some government official making a decision. I have no idea how many companies are competing, no idea how the new employer stacks up, and no idea when the award will be made. The new employer has been saying "any day now" since August 1st, and the wait is excruciating. The hope that the current job may be short lived is all that gets me through some days, but I live in terror of the crushing blow if that hope is yanked out from under me, so I can envision pretty well what you're dealing with. I hope you find what you're looking for sooner than later, and in the meantime, that you know how much many of us out here appreciate you.

[Shannon]

I really love your site, and I never comment, like anywhere, because of my own crushing anxieties. I have been trying for the last year to employ the use of baby sitters so that I can possibly go out on a date with my husband, but every time someone is busy, I take that as a rejection of me. We finally just had to admit that if we were going to be doing anything without our daughter, my husband had to find the baby sitters.
I hope that you find this blog something you want to keep doing, because I really love reading your writing. Good luck with your job hunt.

[Lydia]

I'm really sorry about the job. That sucks and there isn't much more I can say about that.

I've missed you. I'm sure a random lurker telling you that is *just* what you needed to lift your spirits, huh? Anyhoo, I appreciate your blog because you're real and I walk away nodding my head in agreement more often than not. That's a very good thing.

[Melissa Summers]

@Shannon ha! I do that too!!!!

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

[methodpam]

We missed you Melissa. Very sorry to hear about the job, but happy to hear that you were able to be present with your kids and enjoy your summer. Can't wait for your vacation tales!

[Erin]

I'm sorry to hear about the job. Clearly, managing your own business (blog) was not something that stood out to that group of old-fuddy-duddies. If it means anything at all, your writing is from the heart and that takes heaps of courage. Please keep it up! My mom has similar personality traits as you and it took her until me and my brother were 9 & 11 to decide to work outside of the house. You deserve to be paid for your skills.

And on another note, I'm glad that you are enjoying your summer. Everyone should be able to say that once.

[Canada Steph]

Hey sister,
I find that the more I have to say the less I write. Weird. A job will present itself when you are ready. I know it will.
Your time with the kidlets is irreplaceable.

[Barb]

I've missed you, too. I hope you feel like hanging out here more once school starts. I'm always inspired by you.

[Stacey]

Sorry about the job! I've been through that too. I have sent my oldest off to college and have three others in school. I went back to school part-time to fill up my free time and give myself some purpose. That's where I found out about your blog. "Good writing" as my prof would say. Personally, I just love it!

[roooooo]

I hear the voice of a child with an alcoholic parent(s)! So sayest MY therapist. God I so get this! Even when something good happens? Me? I wonder how long till someone figures out, I.don't.deserve.it. Thanks (my)DAD! End of rant.

HAPPY! NEW! INSIGHTFUL!
What if... having this job quest(stupid for not hiring you btw)put your mind in another place AND THAT HELPED you enjoy the summer more? Because your inner mind was focused elsewhere? Allowing moments of bliss in suburbia? Pun intended! Maybe?

And I'm done...

Glad your back..I missed your honesty.

Roooo

[danish]

I have missed you too. And "Will they eat it?" I am glad you are having fun with your kids-- I remember last year you were just not that excited about summertime.

I wish you luck with the job thing.

[ella]

My summer has been lonely without you!

As for tubing with kids... been there, done that. Don't everyone's kids cry at least once while floating the river?

[cj]

Dear Melissa -
I wish you and I could be friends. Then we could spend hours (umm. maybe not hours)sending each other encouraging DMs since it would appear that we both have the same affliction of confidence. And since you are awesome maybe I'm too hard on myself. And I am also looking for a job. But I don't have a dog. YET.
cj

[Sarah]

From that Speech Song, Wear Sunscreen "Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you suceed in doing this, tell me how."

[Sherlock]

"Wow, you really didn't complain this summer.""

That's because so often, personal blogging turns into a whine fest about what the mean person did or said or how much the world is stacked against said blogger. It's not just you or mom bloggers, but it seems to happen to everyone.

Would you be interested in getting your teaching cert? You'd be so creative as a teacher, I think.

[Elizabeth]

Melissa -- I relate to you in SO many ways. I quit my job 3 years ago. I have no kids, just a step son. I'm just getting bored now. And I'm not a dimwit. I'm smart. Really! Took me all this time to get motivated. To get strong again emotionally after so many years in the emotionally scary "real world." I think I might dip my toe in again soon. Good luck to you!

[Melissa Summers]

@sherlock me as a teacher would be comically awful.

Sent from my iPhone with fat fingers on tiny keys.

[sooboo]

Sucks to get that close to a job only to be told no. I always feel like if you are interviewed multiple times you should get a little cash or a git certificate or a nice lunch or something. Missed your words too. As for the negative Nellies, like the kids say, "haters gonna hate".

[Lula]

Just know that there are a lot of people out here who read you who feel "not good enough" (me), and who like to know that there's someone (you) who fights that feeling every day. It's a reminder not to let that feeling take over. You're not only good enough, you're pretty awesome, so keep on keeping on, Lady.

[lindsayc]

welcome back, glad you had a non-complain-y summer.

[lindsayc]

welcome back, glad you had a non-complain-y summer.

[becky]

I have read your blog for years and still wish you lived in my neighborhood, because I would LOVE to have happy hour with you on a regular basis.
Sucks about the job. Then again, I have a job and they are totally over-rated.

[maggie]

So sorry to hear about the job. Somebody has already that a job search is soul crushing and I wholeheartedly agree.

I'm looking forward to future installments of "Did They Eat It" and tales of your summer. Reading your blog keeps me going while I endure my demoralizing current job and even suckier job search.

[bonzai]

Melissa - sorry about the job. In the end, I'll bet it wasn't the right place for you, if they didn't appreciate your skills.
Have you thought about temping? A lot of my friends have found great jobs this way, and got to scope out places and find out they DIDN'T want to work there, too. Robert Half seems to be their pick on who to work with.
As much as I love reading your thoughts, maybe it is time to let Suburban Bliss go, if it no longer a place you enjoy being.
There are always going to be those people who try to kill others by thousand tiny cuts...but remember, in the end, they are tiny people. You have proven through your life that you are stronger than most of us.
Take care of you.

[Liz]

Yours is one of the few blogs that seems more honest, and I don't think about it as right or wrong, but as what you experienced and felt. Being sensitive to hurtful criticism, esp when I try to be open, can be particularly hurtful. I almost never comment but wanted to share that I quietly enjoy your blog, esp since so many blogs out there are shallow drivel. Sorry about the job.

[Candice]

I so appreciate when people are honest about themselves and their lives. In a world with things like Facebook and Twitter where it's very easy to make it look like your life is absolutely perfect, it's easy to get caught up in the "what's wrong with me" woes. I definitely go there, A LOT! I understand what you mean about the loneliness. I've been home 7 years with my kids and although I'm a pretty quiet, keep to myself kind of person I find myself quite lonely these days. You should move to Maine and we could be friends :)

[valarie]

I can totally and completely appreciate everything you've written about in this post. I have 8 year old twins and am also a SAHM who really should be working because we most certinly need the money and also because I spend too much time feeling loney.
I am not a blogger, but I can certainly understand your feeling about negative comments. Reading unpleasant or mean responses to posts that come from your heart would be more than I could bear. Melissa, in my opinion, you really need to ignore those ridiculous people who feel the need to write negative things. Seriously, they are mean spirited people who must gain some sort of sick satisfaction from knowing they upset you.
You are a fantastic writer. You are both smart and funny. You have a warm and generous heart. You are brave and honest. You most definitely are someone I would love to drink coffee/walk the dog/enjoy a beer with. You are someone I respect and admire. You are someone I would want to be friends with.
Thank you for wrinting honest posts about real feelings. I know that I am joined by many who look forward to reading what you've written because it makes us smile/laugh/cry, but mostly because you help us to feel less alone.

[Dawn]

I have definitely missed your writing this summer, but am so glad you have taken this time for yourself, and for the kids.

[Dawn]

Wrong? Wrong? Darned tootin' you're wrong! You couldn't be more wrong... about not being good enough. Because honey, if you're not good enough, the rest of us all better just crawl under a rock somewhere, because we are no better.

Look anyone who tells you you're not good enough right square in the eye (even if it's the chick in the mirror) and tell 'em to get STUFFED!

You're more than good enough for all of us.

[adequatemom]

It's so great to hear from you. I'm sorry you didn't get the job and I'm sorry that sometimes (newflash!) people on the Internet are assholes. I'll try to be extra non-assholey to make up for them.

So glad you've had a great summer with your family!! Here's to being *present*.

[adequatemom]

It's so great to hear from you. I'm sorry you didn't get the job and I'm sorry that sometimes (newflash!) people on the Internet are assholes. I'll try to be extra non-assholey to make up for them.

So glad you've had a great summer with your family!! Here's to being *present*.

[adequatemom]

It's so great to hear from you. I'm sorry you didn't get the job and I'm sorry that sometimes (newflash!) people on the Internet are assholes. I'll try to be extra non-assholey to make up for them.

So glad you've had a great summer with your family!! Here's to being *present*.

[Tracey]

One of my favoritest posts on this blog.

[ami]

I feel your pain.
And, I'm impressed with how honest you are about your vulnerability. I'm stuck in a soul-sucking job and won't look anywhere else because I'm afraid of the rejection I'm certain I would find. At least you took the initiative to look. That's better than me.

[mpotter]

i really enjoy your blog.
i often don't read comments on many blogs because i think some people are stupid and mean, so i didn't realize you've gotten a lot of negativity.

sorry the job didn't pan out. i know how frustrating that must be.

but it's great to hear you've been present and enjoying your summer w/ the family!
can't wait to hear your next story.

thanks so much for your honesty.
that's my favorite topic!

[Val]

I'm sorry you didn't get the job. That's never an easy pill to swallow. I hope the days ahead are happy for you and that this school year's a good one for the kids.

[Jennifer Bak]

One time, quite a while ago, Dooce had done up a traffic page for hate mail and I was shocked to say the least. I had no idea people were so cruel when commenting. Mean and nasty. My point is, at the time I thought, I could never do that! Write a blog, that is, if that type of comments were being made. So for you to write from your heart and continue writing, you are BRAVE and STRONG woman! I love your writing! You do it well, and unfortunately, haters be hating in the blog world. You can't avoid it, but you can't take it to heart. You must never let that time of garbage be a source of darkness because that is not real. That is plain sad and injured people, who like others to be in pain. You are good, your writing is good, and your life is good, You could have any job.

[suburby]

Dear Awesome Melissa,

When people say something really awful and hurtful about one of your blogger friends, do you begin to obsessively scour those comments for some mysterious "elements of truth"? I bet you don't because you know there aren't any. There's just this vitriol that comes from these internet troll types that always seem so sad to me.

Unlike them, you are really funny and a truly gifted writer. If *you* aren't good enough, then what hope do the rest of us have?

Finally, like so many others, I sure wish you were my neighbor. And I wish I had 1/10th of your talent, Melissa. Email me for a pep talk anytime -- you're just way too hard on yourself I think.

[Allison]

I frequently check your blog. It's one of the few on my bookmarks. Tonight when I went into my Blog bookmarks, I didn't see your url there and I totally freaked out. I was all, where is Melissa? Did she pull her blog her down? She couldn't leave me like that! And then I realized I had hit the wrong tab and breathed a sigh of relief when I found your blog, safe and sound. I have two boys. This is my first year of me being home alone while they are in school. Right now, I'm just basking in the peace. I one of those moms who has no qualms about saying her kids can drive her NUTS. I haven't reached the loney phase yet, but when I do, I'm headed to Michigan to hang out with you :-)

[Amanda]

Like the previous commenter, I also have your blog bookmarked and I look forward to reading your writing. I can really relate to what you write; I think one reason is becuase you are (refreshingly) honest about how much life can suck sometimes, but also how awesome it can be. Highs and lows, comes and goes...
I got all excited a whle back when you mentioned you loved Texas and maybe wanted to relocate here- I was all, maybe we can "run into" each other! Even though we've never actually met, I really do consider you a friend and I wish you nothing but the best- because YOU DESERVE IT! Big hugs from Aggieland. You rock.

[Elise]

I'm sorry about the job and hope you get the next one and that it is even more perfect for you. Welcome back.

Elise

[Erica]

*awkward hug*

I have half a dozen mommy-bloggers bookmarked and once a week or so I visit them all and catch up. I always save Suburban Bliss for last because it's the one that I find the most sincere and down to Earth.