My MVPs

So you know how people like to say, "It could always be worse", as though that should make you feel better? Guess what? From experience, now that it's worse...I don't feel better.

I'm not sitting here reminiscing about the time I was devastated that my dream house was pulled from my clutches and thinking, "Oh man, Historical Melissa, that really wasn't as bad as it could have been!" 

Doesn't help. Every one is right, it could actually always be worse...and where is the comfort in that? 

So here's the thing, this year was pretty bad. When I say 'Pretty Bad' I mean, 'Wow...I had no idea the pain I could endure outside of my childhood."

Doesn't make me feel better at all. It makes me dread the future when it could be worse than what I've been through. Not good. No. Just stop it. 

But here I am..upright. Standing. Enjoying quite a few aspects of my new life. 

I thought it would be nice to share the people who have helped me through this year in ways I could never imagine.

I've been intensely hurt this year; and I felt that hurt. I tossed it around, examined it, was angry about it and sad about it...and I'm done with it. I'm done with the hurt.  

The most surprising source of kindness through this thing came from some of the guys Logan and I were friends with. 

The Guys.

Adam
Todd
Nick
Dante 

Men I thought were not very sensitive and never expected to hear from them in the aftermath of this pretty awkward thing...marched up to my desk at work, put a proverbial (and sometimes literal) hand on my shoulder and said, "I'm sorry this is happening." And, I was shocked in a good way.

You're good guys y'all.

The Internet.

The internet was overwhelmingly amazing, I'm sure there's a hate site somewhere (I do NOT WANT to know about, please don't tell me...srsly) and I got a few really awful notes but not as many as you'd expect. I thank God for all of you every day. I love that you believe in me. I try to be honest here and I know I can never present myself in an absolutely truthful way but I love that you always believe I'm going to be okay. Thank you. 

In particular, Tracey reached out to me in some of my darkest times, seeing as how she's been through a divorce...I will never forget what she gave me in those weeks. Amanda, just by going through divorce really honestly and openly, also helped me endure. (Please know this is not an exhaustive list by any means. So many friends have been amazing online. Please know that.)

Divorce Club.

Carrie
Lisa
Kimberly*

I love these ladies. If you're getting divorced I can not stress enough the need to find women who have been through it. I can't tell you much more about Divorce Club though because the first rule is.... 

*divorced but also recently engaged! 

In the burning aftermath of this new life these couples managed to be nice to me and nice to Logan. 

Mike and Rachael
Jenn and Deni
Vicki and Arsen 
Adam and Deidre
Bobby and Tiki 

All these people...have been very kind and understanding that I am a flawed woman but not an evil woman deserving of disdain.

So have these people:

Laura
Tracey 
Melissa G
Diana B
Mary Beth
Lori
Sara
Julie B
Melissa S (not myself...although, now that you mention it, I'm pretty great too)

These are the women who have reached out to me even though I'm sort of unapproachable a lot of the time. They've let me into their lives and introduced me to a whole other social circle. I'm so glad I have known you this year.

Stephanie D
Shelli G
Lish D

My family and I had some rough patches over the last year...and they came back the minute I needed them and I will never underestimate the value of family, specifically siblings, again. Thank you Teri, Mike, Scott and Jen for forgiving me and letting me move forward with you in my life and my kid's lives. 

Jean is my second mother and, frankly, the reason I am okay in spite of what I came from. She's also how I learned to be a different parent than my parents were....Jean modeled for me how to adore your babies. I'd never seen that. The older my babies get the more I adore them and I can express that thanks to Jean. 

When I called Jean sobbing and being mean to myself she kept saying how sad it made her that I attacked myself when sad and hurt. I took that to heart.

Her sister took me to lunch and she understood exactly what I was going through. And her best friend understood too. And their words ring in my head even in the dark times and keep me going forward....Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.  

You know the best thing about this list? I'm totally forgetting people who helped me through this year.

I'm blessed....so blessed. Thank you. 

2012. This is our year...we're going to hang out and have fun together. Wanna make out 2012? Just, like, a little tease....

*Comments are open...don't kiss my ass and don't rip me a new one. I love you guys.  

Comments

[Cj Coppola]

So good to hear you looking forward. I think you are showing your children how to be amazing and human at the same time. They will learn so much about strength and character and love from you. Way to go!

[AmyinMotown]

This makes me so happy to read. I knew you could do this! And I am so glad you have so much support. Those other people are kind of assholes, and I am so happy you found people who aren't.

[Michelle]

Hooray for people that remember their humanity when faced with a human in pain. I know I've sent you a few emails, and how I hope they got through. I'd like to think my little words could have sopped up just an eensy bit of your enormous pain. I'm still really proud of you!

[maggie]

So pleased to read this update! You are worthy and deserving of the wonderful new life you're making for yourself and your kids. My very best wishes to you for a simply fantastic 2012.

[MelissaS]

Michelle: YES YES YES I have read and taken in every email that has come through to me. I am an ass for not knowing how to respond to them all but please know I read these notes and I feel myself getting lighter.

[Amy]

I've been divorced myself and there really is no fresh hell like having the life you had ripped away while also simultaneously ripping away all the best laid plans you had for your future. FUNSIES!

Please know that I've been cheering you on so hard and that I truly believe 2012 will be your year. Hang on tight to all of this good.

[webgal]

I'm glad to see you looking forward and celebrating the positive. I know how hard that can be. So glad for good people in your life. The internet people can be helpful, but "real people" giving you support is so important. Go 2012!

[Jennie]

I have a very good feeling about 2012, and I'm so glad you do too. You deserve this to be your best year yet and it sounds like you have a lot of amazing people to enjoy it with.

So glad to read this.

[Kristi]

You deserve it, all of the support and love you are receiving from the people you listed. Know that there are many more of us out here quietly following your story and rooting for you. I have no doubt that 2012 will be your year.

[Erika]

I love this post, and am so happy to read about the great people in your life. Optimist that I am, I even have a faint hope that the haters will look at this and ask themselves why they feel the need to be such jerks. (I know, I'm nuts...)

[MelissaS]

@erika: Yeah...no...they don't get it. And by "It" I mean the totally voluntary nature of this website.

@kristi: I honestly do feel all the good wishes. I wouldn't say that if I didn't. I love love love the internet. Thank you.

@amy: FUNSIES! 2012 tattoo!

[afc]

To see good even in the midst of horrible is an amazing gift. We are all here cheering for you as you repaint your future. you can (and are!) doing this! xo

[Christa]

I'm so glad to see that you are doing alright despite all of the hell that 2011 brought to you. Here's hoping 2012 treats you kindly like you deserve :)

[Dana]

I really like this post. I bet the people you mentioned don't even realize they helped that much - they were just being good people. Once you kick the bad ones to the curb, it's sometimes strange to realize not everyone is like the curb dwellers.

2012 better be better than 2011 - or else I hope the Mayans were right!
xoxo

[Kiera]

I think this is going to be my catchphrase for the new year: No More Crap in 2012!

That's my wish for you as well: no more crap, only good stuff. May the coming year be very nice to you, Melissa.

[Missy]

I started keeping a gratitude journal earlier this year. As cheesy as it feels to give gratitude to stuff all of the time, after a while, it changes your mindset.

This is a great list. I hope 2012 is fantastic for you.

[Lisa V]

This makes me happy. That is all.

[Candace]

I'm the weirdo who took away the neighbor's toilet a few years ago. Reading this update and thinking that there is probably some poetic way to say that you are taking care of your own toilets now... or something. Glad you are able to make these lists now.

[MelissaS]

Thank you Candace.

A friend put this quote in her xmas card to me....(Jayne, thank you too)

“I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship.”

http://thinkexist.com/quotation/i_am_not_afraid_of_storms_for_i_am_learning_how/213470.html

[HouseofJules]

2012 is going to be good for all of us, I just know it. Glad you're at the place where you're able to write up a list like this! I'm always pulling for you!

[Sandy]

Another great one for you:
Fall seven times, stand up eight.
Japanese proverb
:)

[lindsayc]

All the best to you in the NewYear, may it be awesome. Mad love from a random interweb fan & fb admirer.

[Laura]

I've been following your blog for years and I'm so happy to see how you have continued to overcome such obstacles in your life. You really are an inspiration to me. Keep on keepin' on!! Wishing you a 2012 full of strength, laughs, friendship, love, and success.

[Birchsprite]

You are definitely surrounding yourself with lovely light filled people now... So happy that you have such a lovely support network! May 2012 bring fun, happiness and lots of love!

[Meg]

Good for you. <3333

/longtime reader, v infrequent commenter

[Emily]

I have been a really long time reader and I even ran into you a long time ago at Somerset. As far as, it could always be worse..... I hate that saying. Yes, it could always be worse but that does not negate the pain or trials going on in your life. It is disrespectful to say that to someone when they are in pain and living through something very difficult. So happy to hear you have a good support system and that you are finding some good in your life. Thinking of you and praying your new year is a great one!

[Sunshine]

Yes to counting blessings. I think I need to go actually write a list like this for myself. Here's to 2012. Cheers!

[Tricia]

Don't kiss my ass and don't rip me a new one.

I'm not going to do that. So happy to hear from you! I really worry about you.

[Faith]

So glad to hear from you. And I'm glad to hear that you've had some amazing support while you're dealing with the crap.

[JennyA]

I lurk mostly, but I've been thinking about you a lot and hoping you're ok.

No crap in 2012 -- yes to this. Here's to fresh beginnings and possibilities.

2011 has been full of shit, frankly, but also so much good. My divorce isn't final yet, but we're getting there. And I'm also getting to a place where I'm able to see more of the good and less of the crap, to be less wary. There's a quote I like in a Dorothy Sayers novel where one character who has had a rough past is describing what it feels like to finally feel safe and secure:

"Well it seems a miracle to be able to look forward -- to see all the minutes in front of one come hopping along with something marvelous in them, instead of just saying, 'Well, that one didn't actually hurt, and the next may be quite bearable if only something beastly doesn't come bouncing out."

I'm getting there. I hope you are, too. I'll totally make out with you in 2012.

[debbie]

You sound like a very mature adult. That is hard to be with all you be thru. Here is to a good year for you and your kids.

[Lisame]

Love! Love! Love! This post!

[Allison]

I know this sounds kind of odd, but I am so proud of you! I know 2012 is going to be a better year for you.

[Sarah L]

Hi Melissa - don't know if u remember me - I won the free year of toilet paper last year (thank you btw!). Well it's time to 'let go of the past' and take a big crap on 2011. Then on to 2012! Great to see you back in this post.

[Becky]

Great update Melissa! I'm looking forward to a great 2012, too!

[Jill]

I'm glad to hear from you. I too worry about you when you go dark for a few weeks! I'm so glad things are going better for you. 2012 will be your best year ever!

[JenniferT]

I have been reading this blog since about 2004, long before I had my first kid. Its moms like you being REAL that have helped me learn and grow as a parent. You have also made me laugh and taught me good recipes. This past year all I could do was read in horror about the pain you are going through and I never knew what to say. But I am saying now that I have been praying for you and hoping that you won't stop writing in this space. Here's to a great (non-crappy) 2012!

[Lynne]

You make me smile!

[Ninotchka]

I love this post. I almost hate to say it but I've seen a different side of you through this that has brought me back to your blog for wholly different reasons than those that attracted me to it 6-7 years ago. You know, back when "mommy" blogs became all the rage and people fell in love with one another and hoped against hope that their blog crushes would crush on them back and they'd be BFFs forever and ever! You have a strength, vulnerability and honesty that shine especially bright in this new light. I feel inspired by your insights and protective of you whereas before I just felt superficially entertained by you (not that that was necessarily bad). Hope this diatribe makes sense. I guess what I'm saying is, keep on keeping on. I am definitely one of the many who are cheering for you & your beautiful babies (and heck, even Logan, that you all may find your new stride as a modern family).

[Molly K. Norris]

YAY! I'm picking up what you're putting down, girl!

[Lula]

Nice to see you slowly dragging yourself out from under the monstrous weight. I've been through horrible divorce-related times myself, and I can so relate to the struggle of finding out who you are without the life you thought you had. Congratulations, Melissa, you're going to be even more awesome than we all thought you were to begin with.

[Gigi]

You have a ton of people like me that have read your life's journey for years, but will never actually meet. We're all rooting for you. You've got lots of good karma out there floating around.

[Ellen]

Melissa, you are great! Thanks for the update, glad to hear that you are doing well!

[lisajay99]

I am so happy to read this - here's to new beginnings!

[Vanessa]

I'm not sure if I've ever posted on your blog but, I check it everyday. Thank you for being honestly you. I will continue to pray for healing for you and your kiddos. I see real courage in your gratefulness.

[alfred lives here]

Lovely post... sending you warm wishes for a wonderful 2012!!

[Procrastamom]

I thought about you quite a bit over Christmas and kept looking for an update from you. You are a prize fighter, Melissa. I admire your resiliency and look forward to watching you succeed further in 2012.

[S]

Rooting for you, and inspired by you. I am sending you warm wishes for more light in the coming year.

[Dawn]

I am so glad for you that you could write this post and that there are so many good people in your life. Wishing you joy in the year to come.

[kate]

Aww hell yeah! It's so nice to see an update from you, especially one that is full of gratitude and hope...both hard to find in the middle of a big life change like this. You're on the right path, moving forward.

I'm divorced too, although it was mostly my idea and I didn't have nearly as much to lose (as far as mutual friends etc.) as you did, but it's scary as hell nonetheless. Now, 7 years later, I cannot believe how lucky I am. I wouldn't have the life I have now had I not taken that leap. Which brings me to this quote, on a bracelet I bought for myself during that dark time, and I have never taken it off:

Leap and the net will appear.

It really does. Good luck, Melissa. We're all out here rooting for you.

[Libby]

So glad that you have so many out there from whom you are drawing strength. Yes, you have so many readers that love you-thank you for acknowledging that. Most of all, thank you for not just writing for your own benefit, but for the benefit of keeping all of us that have gotten to "internet-know you" posted, as we are all cheering you on as you move forward. May your 2012 be filled with much happiness.

[Georgia]

Thank you for the update as reading it lifted my spirits immeasurably. I love reading what you write here and wish you and the children all the very best for 2012.

[hayesmary]

(edited by author to remove ass-kissing)

So happy to hear this update. I have this feeling that 2012 is going to be great for you.

[Erin]

Cheers to good people AND 2012!

[Editdebs]

So glad to hear you're doing well. Many blessings inn 2012.

[ella]

Your future is bright! I know it. Now YOU know it too!
Can't wait to find out what's in store for you and the kids.

Happy New Year Melissa!

xo
ella
ATX

[Franca Bollo]

Sorry ... this is an ass kiss but you were a beautiful mfing bride and are a beautiful woman, now. Mwah.

[Issa]

On New Years Eve I will hit two years alone. That's when he left at least. Good god that first year was hard. But this past year, has been pretty good. I expect this next year will surprise you with it's goodness. Will there be moments that suck donkey ass? Of course, because that is life.

It takes time to find your way after a divorce. This I know. However, I fully believe that you'll have a much better next year.

[Mwells]

So glad for the update and for all the joy that remains possible. You totally inspire me.

[Nan]

I have to agree with you that 2011 was a sh** year. It's so good to come here today, read this post and know you are surviving and making friends with yourself. I wish you all the very best in the new year and hope you keep the blog updated! Believe it or not, you're very inspiring and I think many of us really admire your courage.

[Kayte]

I am so sorry that you've had to endure all of the wretchedness this year has handed you, but I have gained new admiration for you and for what you have accomplished in a relatively short amount of time. Sometimes we have to go through periods of life that totally suck to find out what we're really made of and are forced to either roll over or fight to reach our full potential. You’re slogging through the crap to a better you. I have a good feeling that your life is going to be all kinds of wonderful. Thank you for sharing the good, the bad, and the ugly with us. The internet is rooting for you.

[Judy]

YAY! I'm so happy you updated and it's a good one! Having been through a divorce myself I know how much it SUCKS! I'm so happy you have found things to be HAPPY about and can see that things can and will get wonderful again. You are an awesome woman and mom (ass kissing, I know).

Happy New Year!

[Maureen]

How lovely to read this. I'm so glad you are in such good space. Here's to 2012!

[ZeeS]

Glad to see things are looking up. I'm actually surprised to see how many good people you have in your life. It seemed like you were surrounded by all bad ones. Its nice to know that isn't true. Good luck in 2012 and Happy New Year!

[Erika]

I have been lurking for a long time and hurting along with you through this last few months. I am a recently divorced mom to a 4 year-old (divorce was final in March) and my ex tore my self esteem down to almost null before I found out he had been cheating on me for almost a year. I survived with the help of family, therapy, and love for my daughter. I am so impressed and proud of the way you have handled this. Wierd, I know, considering I don't know you, but I've been reading for years and I cried like you were a close friend when I read what you have been through. You deserve to be treasured. We all do. I'm glad you are getting to the place where you know that.

[Tonya]

Don't kiss my ass and don't rip me a new one.......

Love it! That should totally be above every comment section on every blog! :)

Wishing you all the best in 2012.

[Rachel B.]

You are amazing! That is not ass kissing if it's the truth.

So, so happy to continue to read your blog and tweets and know you're having ups and downs, but it sure does sound like there are more and more ups every day. Much love from the blogosphere!

[Betsey]

<3

Happy to read this.

[cristy]

Total stranger here, but so glad to read your update. I check often.

[Kristen]

Melissa, as always, I'm impressed with your ability to acknowledge the worst while striving to focus on the positive. I think, with this post, you are setting a great example for others who are struggling with really tough times. Good to read an update from you!

[The Dorkier Elizabeth]

Love love love love love love love.

[Slim]

I am drinking deadly eggnog and watching Top Chef and thinking about how your life is like a Top Chef challenge, in which you work for ages to get there and come up with a brilliant plan and then at the last minute, someone takes away your foie gras and makes you sub cat food. I love your ability to produce something awesome most of the time and to own it when your cat food tastes like cat food.

[klynne]

I have been checking your blog every day since your last post to see what is going on with you. I hope it is not kissing your ass to say, that I want things to get better for you in 2012. I think you are an amazing writer. I really care what happens to you, even though I have never met you. Hugs to you.

[ANNIE]

Glad you are finding your happy with the help of friends and family. I had a pretty sucky 2011 and am looking forward to 2012. And I would make out with you.

[Shelly]

SO happy to read this update from you. Been reading your blog since the beginning. I always thought you deserved better and I think in the future you will find a man who loves and supports everything you do, and not think being a little over weight is disrespectful to him (I always hated that). Also SO happy to see so many loving and respectful comments from readers! <3

[Rebecca]

Best of everything to you guys in 2012! xo!

[Betsy]

I can't tell you how much I enjoyed reading this post. It made me so happy for you to know that even when things are beyond hard that you have people to love and support you. You deserve that love and support (and for things to get much better than they have been). Many commenters have said lots of fantastic things and I echo all of those comments. I hope 2012 is an awesome year for you and your family. We are pulling for you!

[Stephanie]

As a long time lurker (and recent delurking emailer), I too have been checking on your blog for an update, hoping that the holidays were not too hard for you. I am just so happy to see that you seem to have come through on the other side intact, and even managed to strike a graceful note of thanks and hope in the midst of everything you've been going through. You are truly an inspiration (and it's not ass kissing if it's true!).

[Michelle]

Melissa- I'm been a long time reader of your site and so sorry to hear about this difficult time in your life. It makes me so glad to see you reflecting on the positive things that have happened in your life this year. My parents divorced when I was in High School and while it was hard to go through that, I did learn a lot about love and family and am in currently in a loving relationship. You will get through this and 2012 will be Awesome!

[Jen]

Yay for people! (the good ones, anyway)

In my best, "I'm not kissing your ass way" I just want to say how happy this post made me. You truly deserve friends and support like this. 2011 can suck it...onward to 2012!!

[jayelless717]

Although I never came up with a list (maybe I should have), this was exactly how I felt about my friends after going through my divorce. They were there for me in the darkest moments and reminded me that it was not my fault. Slowly I started to believe it. Of course family was high on the list too, but friends are just invaluable. And totally agree on the divorce club. Although some people actually are capable of empathy, it's a rare quality, and so you find that only people who have been through it can truly understand and say the right things.

Best to you in 2012, Melissa!!

[Kate]

Glad to hear that you're feeling better. When your Twitter was locked and you weren't posting on your site, I was worried that something REALLY bad may have happened.

My parents split up over 30 years ago when I was 8. My father had an affair left my mom and married her. Fast forward years later - we all celebrate holidays together and everyone gets along really well. Strange yes -- but it's great for the grand-children and both my parents would do ANYTHING for the other. REALLY!

[Molly]

:-)

This is a good post!

[katg]

I think I've commented about two times before, maybe. I've been reading you for a long time. Thank you for your words. You *are* strong, and amazing. Your honesty is amazing. This year has been rough all around. I can only hope the next is better.

[Becky]

You Go Girl.

[Miss A]

I think you're nothing short of brave and awesome and I thank you for being so upfront and honest about what you were going through. I wish you happiness and renewed joy for 2012, and strength and friendship.

[krys72599]

So happy to hear you're starting out 2012 grateful for the good parts of 2011. That will help you get through the not-so-good parts of 2012, and while we know there will be some, you can handle it!

[doahleigh]

I'm so glad you had people to support you through such a shitty time.

It really doesn't help to hear "it could be worse" does it? "It'll get better" isn't much consolation in the moment either. But then it does get better, eventually.

[greenie]

I read your blog, you are local to me and I hope you rock it out in 2012. I know I intend to. As Rhianna says "Don't let the bast@rds get you down"
Take care

[tracy @mamacreates]

I'm so glad that even through the immense suckfest that 2011 was for you (ditto here....verbally abusive husband, filing a protective order, filing for divorce, not wanting to face the reality of all that my new life will entail, visitation & custody issues, meds that crapped out, rendering me virtually unmedicated through an incredibly painful couple of months for reasons besides my jerk of a future ex-husband...you get the idea....shit...this comment was supposed to be about how I was happy for YOU!), you found a support system in some surprising places. I've found that the random reach-out often has a bigger impact on me than knowing there are certain people in my life who will never, ever let me down....like, holy shit! I do matter, and there ARE people who care about me!

And though we've never met, I've been a long time (admittedly, somewhat sporadic over the years) reader, and I care about you & can feel your hurt & pain as if it were my own. I think that's what those fancy writer folk people would call empathy ;)

I've found myself worrying about you when I don't see a post for several weeks, so just know that you've got a virtual friend in Alaska thinking of you :)

You are awesome & strong, and based on your recap post a couple weeks ago, you are wading through this suckfest with grace, while still making amazing memories with your kids. You will come through this stronger than you ever thought possible.

Lastly, how does one join this divorce club?

xoxo

[Iowamom]

This post brings a smile to my face! I'm pleased to read that you do get the emails because I send them out into the big bad world hoping they reach you for whatever it's worth. Here's to a wonderful 2012!

[Marcia]

How happy I am to check in and find all this good news. I've proven, time and again, that when you do what is best for you, everything else falls in to place. Congratulations from afar. Happy 2012!!

[Ondrea]

great post - and when you put it all out there it makes you stand back and look at how many really true friends you do have. you have friends and they are there for you no matter what. and that's good.
Cheers to a fabulous 2012!

[Peeved Michelle]

Reading about your year (and going through my own terrible year in 2010) inspired me to write this post: Unbreakable http://www.opinionsfornothing.com/2011/10/unbreakable.html

[christine]

Been reading you for years. You're awesome. Glad to see you emerging on the other side of this!

[JennBo]

As always, I'm cheering for you and love that you are recognizing the people who made your year a little more bearable.

Also - love the quote about learning to sail your ship. You're going to navigate the world!

[Shana]

Oh Melissa. You don't know me, but I have been a regular reader of yours for years and years. I've been checking your site daily, waiting for an update and waiting for a chance to tell you that I LOVE YOU - you are an amazing, incredible, fantastic and strong - yes strong!!! - woman. You are so fortunte - blessed - to have such a wonderful support team. I also went through a really tough, really excruciating divorce - and I KNOW you are going to come out of this happy and serene - you really will. xoxoxo

[Tarin]

I have read you forEVER.

I always read every little word you say with a bit of distain. There's this part of me that can't comprehend what you are doing, how you are ok with posting what you do, time and time again. And then again...

There is this part of me that can not look away. This part of me that would lay down and die to let my sister have some sort of forum that she believed in. That's too trite... "believed in". My sister has tried it all.... therapy, a couple of marriages, alcohol and some crazy narcotics... everything... and I am sure there is nothing that will make up for what was done to her. By my grandfather. Not one of us knew. Not her mother, not her father, not me. And 30 years after the fact, I am sure there is a place inside of her that can NOT accept that no one under that roof knew she was suffering... dying...

For thiry solid minutes I stared at those words above.... what is beyond suffering and dying? What other word could I use? She's not dead and yet I am sure there is something beyond those words...

I doubt my sister born six year after me will live longer than me... For too much of my life I have pictured her end. Her funeral. Her last words. And I don't get it. Why her? Why you? Why? WHY.

Gah.

But there is something else. And here I am talking out my ear, but I just have this crazy sense of something. I do believe that Logan is something more than a first husband. I think he understands something. Whether it is big or small, just let go and let him come to (or not come to) the understanding that he held in his hands something really important. Not a marriage, not a family. Something that transcends those things that are available to most people in our society. What he held in his hands, and what I believe he knows he held...

I am fighting with myself to delete my post, but I am not deleting. What I am getting at here, just talking with myself, is THAT exactly. Your precious self, pouring it into his hands and trusting he would hold you.

My God.

I am sorry.

Don't stop sharing your story. Sometimes I think what you're doing is self indulgent and unimportant. And then I find myself thinking about your words. And how they are more important to me and my family than the poetry of Maya Angelou.

You might not get this. And I don't even need you to. Just keep sharing.

[Jen]

So happy when you check in and I know you are okay. It's really important that you get through this, and you are certainly doing your best. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going! You're on your way to something BIG. I just know it. Keep going.

[JenC]

Here is to a better 2012! Wishing you much joy and peace.