Taking Love In.

I spent the day with a few friends at the beginning of December. It was Lisa's birthday so she asked a few of us to spend the day doing things she loved. So we went to Russel Street Deli, then to Avalon Bakery and then on to The Masonic for the Detroit Urban Craft Fair. On the way home we dropped off one friend at her beautiful carriage house in Palmer Woods (ah-mazing). After that we stopped at Pinwheel Bakery for macaroons and then went on to The Oakland for a delicious cocktail. 

It was a banner day and if there was any justice in this world that's how I'd spend every weekend. Alas my weekends since haven't been the same. Sigh.

I bring up that day because at breakfast Lisa was so satisfied. She was smiling and so happy she'd created this day she would love surrounded by friends. (Creating the day you'll love is inspiring in and of itself, fyi.)

At our table at Russel Street Lisa put her hand on my back and rubbed it and smiled at me. A simple friendly, loving gesture. "Hey, I'm happy you're here." 

And I felt myself pull up inside myself...imperceptively, but I did. 

I realized how often I've been handed love and how hard it is for me to really accept it. To feel worthy of it. To give it back. 

I silently berated myself for always feeling awkward around people I've known for years. For being the kind of person who silently analyzes a simple touch on the back. 

When the day was over, it kind of stuck with me. That simple act and why I tried to block it out. 

It feels like that's when something inside me flipped on. 

I can't even tell you what happened because it's all terribly cliche...but let's say this. I felt the cruelty I have approached myself with over the last 37 years acutely. I knew without a doubt that's why I can't accept love and have a very hard time giving it back...I've always been afraid to take in that kind of love. 

People have told me this over and over and I kept trying to be nice to me so I could be nice to others. To be complimentary to me, to blow smoke up my own ass if that's what it took. But it never really worked. 

Instead of berating myself for my failings I started thinking about how I've come through the last 6 months of my life.

And you know what? I am really fucking proud of myself. It was a rough year followed by an unbearable summer, culminating in a disaster autumn. And I fumbled my way through, making a lot of less than desireable moves while clawing my way through. 

By December though I had recovered enough to realize that appreciating myself, taking care of myself and taking pride in my accomplishments would move me into something new. Something happier, more loving and kind. Something calmer. 

And it has. 

This year my new years resolutions are related to this shift in my awareness. Here they are:

#1: Give people the benefit of the doubt 90% of the time. Instead of jumping to conclusions I need to learn to ask for answers, even if I don't like the truth. I need to breathe through uncomfortable suspicion and wait to ask for clarification before being angry. 

#2: Perform 52 acts of kindness (this averages to one a week...fyi...get it....52?). I'll document some of them, hopefully. I want to keep "Giving" as my keyword this year. I need to give back what I've received. (So far I've refilled a parking meter, sent an unexpected gift, said thank you to someone I needed to...)

#3: Get no more parking tickets in 2012 than I can count on one hand. (I had a lot of parking tickets last year...which is stupid.)

#4: Always answer my phone when a friend reaches out. I've overcome my hug thing. When Logan announced he was leaving I decided that hugs were welcome. Bring it. The phone is similar...Im learning to embrace talking on the phone. And when a friend needs me, I am strong enough now to reach back.

Uh...okay but don't call me all the time or I'll just get overwhelmed. But, I do love you guys. 

 

 

Comments

[Amy]

I've been reading along for so long, and I just have to tell you how happy this post makes me. I'm glad to read that you're feeling that love for yourself. You deserve to.

[Sharon]

You've handled a situation better than so many people I know. You've accepted responsibility for your part in it, are working on changes (while acknowledging that it is a process), dealing with good and bad days, and are practicing gratitude and giving. I admire you. I truly do. So while you're not looking for outside input for validation, I would love myself a lot if I were doing the things you are. You're setting a great example for your children, too. You go, girl!

[Michelle R-R]

We love you right back, doh :) Glad to read your brave words once more. Now go do something fabulous, pretty lady.

[Ess]

So hard to learn to be gentle with yourself! I struggle with that as well. Well, that and the parking tickets! You are very inspiring. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself.

[AnEmily]

You're setting a great example for your kids AND for me!

[Rebecca]

<3

[JennBo]

I love your resolutions! particularly the 52 acts of kindness. I might just adopt your resolution, but revise it to 50 acts. =)

[Dorothee]

Melissa, your resolutions sound like a good and courageous challenge. I look forward to reading about how you meet them. And it's nice to see how all your hard work on becoming better is paying off for you.

Happy New Year!

[Kismet]

So glad. So happy. So inspiring.

~K!

[Erika]

Good for you!

[Canadian in Glasgow]

Every year I make a resolution to be a better friend....it comes and goes but I'm trying and I think the key thing IS to try. No matter what you are trying to do, or improve...if you are trying your best with what you have, then you are winning the battles inside of yourself.

[birchsprite]

You are a lovely woman! Sending lots of love back.

[sweetney]

This makes me so happy, M. You've come so far. I can't wait to see how you kick ass in the coming years! xo

[Denise]

I am so proud of you!Hugs galore!

[jen]

that makes me happy! good for you!

[Ninotchka]

Very sweet. Love the 52 Acts of Kindness idea.

[Sheri Bheri]

You are so cute. (In the sweet way, not in the "don't get cute with me" way.)

Here's to a fabulous 2012 for you!

[susie]

I'm proud of you too. :)

[Erin]

Hooray for you! I decided 2012 would be the year of self-love, so I'm right there with you. Here's to a wonderful year!

[alice]

I'M CALLING YOU RIGHT NOW WHERE'S MY PHONE.

Okay, not really. But I do love you right back.

[Robin]

I love this blog entry. The tone, the care, the openness of it is very inspiring.

[Libby]

I think you'd be surprised by how generally insightful you are. Aside from being emotionally invested in you at this point, I guess the reason I read you is because your blog is thought-provoking.

PS. Your outfit of the day on twitter yesterday was H.O.T. hot and will be inspiring my next outfit purchase.

[Just Me]

I have such a "hug, touching and phone" thing too....I totally understand!!

[Kayte]

It is so inspiring to 'watch' someone not only recognize what they need to do to improve their life/happiness, but to also see them take the steps to actually do it. Yay for you! Many of us can learn from your experience. Happy 2012!!

[Kelly H]

Such a great post Melissa. I've also been reading for years and it's been hard to watch you go through all the BS of the last few months. I don't even know you in real life but I feel like I do through your blog and twitter and I'm just so happy to read that you're learning to love yourself and allow others to love and appreciate you. You have a lot to offer this world!

Now tell me more about the gorgeous skirt and shoes you posted a pic of on Twitter. You looked amazing! And an outfit I'd love to put into my work rotation!

[adequatemom]

Terrific resolutions. And I am so excited for you that the switch has been flipped on and you are starting to really 'get' how to love yourself! AWESOME news, and you so deserve it!

[ella]

Yay! I can't wait to find out what else is coming for you in 2012.

[Dawn]

I just want to echo everyone else and tell you how wonderful it is to hear you are doing well. I'm also glad you feel up to comments again. I hope 2012 is your year!

[Slim]

Hey, I'm happy you're here. (I'm putting in it words because you're so far away and because even if we were in the same place, it would be creepy for a stranger to be rubbing your back. Unless she were a masseuse. Which I'm not.)

[Lisame]

OMG! You are huge! I am utterly impressed and overwhelmed by your strength right now. YEAH MELISSA!

[Lisa in NJ]

Wow reading this brought a tear to my eye. You have come so far and being able to read your journey have been awesome. To see how far you have come is wonderful. I can't wait to read more.

[cathy]

rubbing your back right now. i'm glad you're here. :)

[Mwells]

I agree with Amy at the top. Been reading so long, but this post just made me happy. Yay for you.

[JenC]

It was an incredibly rough year Melissa. You deserve so much credit for just surviving. You did, sometimes just coming out the other side is a triumph, and you did it. Congrats and here are to the resolutions. Just think of the cute things you'll be able to get with no parking tickets to pay. =)

[kate]

This post made me well up with tears. It's just so damn nice to hear that you are learning to be kind to yourself (careful about that blowing-smoke-up-you-own-ass thing; I've heard that can lead to a herniated disk.)

I'm sure others have said this, but you really, really will come through this stronger, braver and genuinely happier than you ever have been. It's great to know that you're on the right path.

[Kym (Coffeemomma]

Good for you! I have always hated talking on the phone, and I've been told (and always believed) I'm a jealous person. I found when I started being nicer to myself, and allowing myself to live slowly rather than rushing (both literally and figuratively) through my life and my thoughts it made a BIG difference in my friendships. It also gave me the strength to prune some friends that were not helping me be who I want to be.
You're so brave for posting all the good and bad here. All I have to say to you for 2012 is GO MELISSA!!

[roramich]

I love this post with all my heart. 2012 will be amazing with you in it.

[Iowamom]

Happy New Year to you! Love the resolutions.....you're doing a fantastic job!

[Molly]

Seeing how you've grown this year has been inspiring. It's been an awful year and you've turned it into growth. What you've been through is gut-wrenching. I hope you know how closely your readers have watched, and not because we get off on seeing people in pain or any other malicious or awful reason. It's because you've faced things we're afraid of and you've made beautiful things happen for yourself and your kids in spite of them.

[Allison]

Yay! I'm so happy for you. I knew you'd pull through. I hope you get to have a similarly lovely day on your birthday this year.

[maggie]

Good for you! This was such a wonderful thing to read. You *are* an inspiration.

[LeeAnn]

from one survivor to another...you kick some serious ass, melissa! self-acceptance is no easy feat and you are mastering it gracefully. take time to roll around in lots of love for the incredible work you are doing, 'cause it's pretty dang impressive. and fyi, hugs rock!

[sue]

I don't know you, but I'm rooting for you and have been all along. I think that you're so brave, keep on keeping on.

[Vilma]

Just yesterday someone refilled my parking meter with over two hours of time when I was in the library. Whoever did it, I wished them good things. Know that your acts of kindness will be paid back in spades! I wish you good things too! You deserve them!

[hkd]

i'm so proud of you melissa. hang in there, we're all rooting for you. xo

[Jen]

RIGHT ON! Live it up while you can, warts and all. We're lucky to even be here, right? Enjoy yourself, your friends, your kids, chocolate, clean sheets, good books, bad TV - it's going to be a good year for you. I just know it.

[Jessica]

You are going to be better than just fine. I'm so freaking proud of you I can barely stand it! We all loved you and now you're learning to love yourself. Congratulations - I have a feeling it's gonna be a good emotional year for you!

[Jill (mrschaos)]

LOVE THIS. A lot.

Congratulations on such an amazing start to this new year.

[Sarah]

I'm so impressed by how far you've come in such a short time (and by how far you've come in such a long time, too). You should be sooooo proud of yourself. Maybe treat yourself to one of those 52 acts of kindness? xx

[Ansel]

Good job and it must be a relief to get out from under the negativity of analyzing all those past relationships.
Your tone is so much more positive, a very welcome development.

[denise]

I follow you on twitter and you sound happier and better off than you ever have. I don't want to minimize the pain of your divorce, I just want to let you know I can see a positive change in you and I know that doesn't come easy.

[lizneust]

I've been reading you for years, and this post made me so happy. May 2012 be the most fabulous year ever.

[Dee]

hey homie,

how could you go to Avalon Bakery and NOT say hi to me? I work two blocks away from that plane and Lordy did you get a chocolate chip cookie?

Hugs

[Kathleen]

Good for you! How are you doing with the whole working/job thing? That change alone without the divorce and everything that came with it, is enough to throw most people. Are you a schedule freak - or is everything topsy turvey - your house was always immaculate in your pictures. How is Lucy?

[Jessie]

i was an avid reader of your blog a few years ago--then I had a 28 week old preemie and then an unexpected pregnancy (and 14 week stint on bedrest) a mere year later--so I sort of just stopped reading. coming back and reading what has happened to you this past year just about broke my heart. you are so much more beautiful than you realize.... I'm so glad you're still writing, despite it all. there are so many of out here who have been knocked down by life, hearing from someone fighting her way up out of it all means more than you can imagine.

[Naomi]

You don't know me, Melissa, but I have been reading you for years, and this post is amazing. Brava. Brava.

[jrm]

Love these. Was on a bus this morning and not one but four people got up to give their up front seats to a young Mom with a stroller and two fussy toddlers. It was awesome. Hooray for random kindness!

[Janey]

Great post and intentions :) Random kindness so very rewarding.

Glad to hear you so level and LIVING. Now I just want to hear from you MORE dammit! (Sorry, just unlurking :)

[Becca]

It's been a year since I visit your site. I missed all the good and inspiring post of this site.
Your post reminds me to save a love and respect for myself.thanks !

[Oana]

Good resolutions,good luck with them! And don't be so hard on yourself, we're all better at giving than receiving as mums,I guess..